Family Of Convenience

Oh, Millie wanted to gather this child in her arms and just create a space where all Caty felt was love and acceptance. She didn’t. Instead she sat back and brushed the dirt off her hands. “I know what you mean.”

Caty looked at her. “You do?”

Millie nodded and smiled, heart still feeling almost too tender. “I’ve never had a large farm garden before, Caty. And certainly not a garden with weeds as big as the plants, all of them looking a little worse for wear. I am kind of guessing what to do here.”

Caty twisted her fingers in her lap. “Daddy tried to make a good garden. He tried really hard.”

There was no stopping Millie’s hand from reaching out and brushing down Caty’s hair. Then stroking her fingers over the child’s cheek. Millie’s muscles twitched with the urge to pull the child onto her lap, but she held back. She’d resolved to wait until Caty was ready to come to her, not wanting to push the girl. “I know he did, honey. And you know what? He did a good job.”

Caty’s eyes were still far too serious. Doubting.

“He did. I mean, look at all the vegetables that are growing here. I can’t wait to see what else comes up.”

Caty looked at the garden and nodded.

“And now all we have to do is clean it up a little. Then, we’ll have the best garden I’ve ever seen in my whole entire life.”

“Really? I mean, Daddy tried. But, it’s—” Caty was clearly trying to balance honesty and her loyalty to her father.

“A mess. Yep. But, it’s our mess, Caty-girl. And it will be our wonderful garden when we’re done.” This was the first time Millie had used Adam’s nickname for Caty. She watched, trying to decide if it made the girl uncomfortable. Really hoping it didn’t.

Caty went back to leaning over the area of garden where they were working, this time pulling a weed quickly and surely. “Yeah. It’s our mess.”

Millie smiled and took up a similar position. They were going to weed their garden in the sunshine. Life was good.

Millie’s enthusiasm had dampened somewhat an hour later. She was hot and sticky and absolutely filthy. She and Caty had also only made progress in about one fourth of the garden. Growing vegetables was harder than it looked. But, Millie pictured the end result and pulled at the next weed she saw.

She stopped when she heard a horse ride into the yard. The children ran to greet Adam as he dismounted. He gave them hugs and set them back down, telling them to go play as though nothing was amiss.

But something must be. Why else would Adam be home at this hour?

“Good afternoon, Millie. I see you’ve decided to deal with the disaster I made of the vegetable garden.”

His voice was courteous, as always. Adam’s treatment of her had not wavered since the first day. He was kind. Gentle. And distant. In other words, he was everything he had promised Millie he would be. And that was another thing that unsettled her to no end.

“I’m trying. I’ve never had a garden this big before, so I’m not sure I’m doing it right. Caty has been a huge help.”

Adam walked over and looked at her work. “You’re doing a good job. The part you two worked on looks perfect. You got all the weeds out, so the vegetables won’t be fighting them for space or water. All we’ll need is a couple of good rains and lots of sunshine.” Millie had thought so, but it still felt really good to hear someone else say it.

“You’re home early. Is everything okay?” His praise had given her enough courage to ask the question.

“For us, yes. We’re just fine.”

She liked that, too. Whether he thought it was easier or because he had picked up on her need for it, Adam often reassured her that everything was okay. His words did not make it so, obviously, but they still helped give her a sense of security.

Adam took off his hat, and wiped his hand across his brow. “I’m home because Jonas Miller came out to see me. He found me in the fields.”

“Jonas Miller? I haven’t met him yet, have I?”

“No. He’s another neighbor. A couple of farms out from the Potters.”

“Oh. Why did he come see you today? Isn’t he as busy as you are?” Sorrow crossed over Adam’s face, and Millie’s sense of unease grew. Adam did not come home in the middle of the day to have a simple conversation.

“No, he’s not. Not anymore at least.”

“What does that mean?”

“He’s giving up. Selling his farm and moving to Kansas City. Going to try to find some work there.”

“I don’t understand. He waited until the growing season, until he had paid for seeds and done the work to plant them, to decide he didn’t want to be a farmer?” Her tone gave away her bewilderment, but she was struggling to understand. Millie loathed being in situations she didn’t understand.

Adam looked at the kids, smiling at their antics as Gene pretended to be a chicken and chased a shrieking Caty. “This has been coming on for some time now,” he explained. “With the drought last year, Jonas used up all his savings to have a go at putting in the crops this year.”

“So, why is he quitting?”

Adam huffed out a small breath. He looked almost apologetic. “He’s thinking that this year will be a repeat of last year. He found a seller who wants the farm right away, crops and all, and he took the offer. Hopes to find better work in the city.”

Spots danced in Millie’s vision, and she sat down on the steps. “Why does Mr. Miller think that this year is going to be a repeat of last year?”

Adam sat down next to her on the step. “Because it’s looking like it might. We haven’t had a good soaker in months. Spring is usually a rainy, muddy time.”

“It has been raining,” Millie argued.

Adam shrugged. “More like drizzling. We’ve been getting damp, not drenched.”

“So, you’re going to lose all the crops? Again? Everything is just going to die?” How could that be? He went out and worked every single day. Why would Adam do that if all of his hard work was going to dry up and die? And why hadn’t she known that there was a drought in Kansas last year? That it had been too dry already this spring?

Adam moved to kneel on the step below her, his body slightly in front of hers. Facing her. “It’s okay.”

The man kept saying that. Adam had a very different definition of okay than Millie did, that was for sure.

“That’s why I have the cattle and horses. They will sustain us if we have another bad harvest of crops. Plus, the weather is unpredictable. Just because it’s been dry so far doesn’t mean there will be another drought.”

“Why?”

“Why?” Adam sounded confused now. Good.

“Why do you do it? Farm? Why not just have the ranch? I don’t understand why you would spend so much time and energy on such a risky endeavor.”

Understanding flashed across his face. “I do it because I’m a farmer. I enjoy the cattle and horses, but I’m meant to be a farmer. I’ve always known it. Planting. Tending. Harvesting. It all feels so right, Millie. I’m a farmer.” Adam took his hat off his head and brushed it against his thigh. He was looking in the distance, but his voice was still steady. Almost imploring. “You’re a farmer’s wife.”

Millie had no response to that. She certainly wasn’t in a position to order him around. To change anything about their circumstances.

Adam stood up. “I’m sorry I upset you. I didn’t mean to. And we can talk about this in more detail, if you want. But, later. Jonas came to ask for my help with fixing and loading some things as he packs up his belongings. That’s why I came home. I need to get my tools and head out to his place. He’s waiting for me.”

Millie stood up, too. “It’s fine, Adam. We’re fine. Will you be home for supper?”

“For that stew I smell? Absolutely.”

Millie nodded and straightened her apron. No way out but forward.

Adam said goodbye to the children, gathered his tools and left.

Millie decided to finish the section of her garden that she’d started. That was the next task. That was all she needed to focus on right now. But, this time when Millie looked at her vegetable patch, she didn’t see the promise of a bounty to come. No. She saw her future. So fragile and capable of being destroyed by a single whim of man or nature.

Not just her future. Her child’s future. And that of the two children she was quickly growing to love and claim as her own.

* * *

It was dark by the time Adam returned home that evening. Jonas had needed more help than he’d expected, but Adam hadn’t wanted to leave the man to finish on his own. Adam opened the front door and walked inside, uncertain of what his reception might be.

In the month since he had been married, life had been quite good. They had fallen into an easy routine, and his children were thriving. Today’s discussion was the first bump since their conversation about her meeting the children.

His new wife was very reserved and Adam did not understand everything that Millie kept hidden from him, but he knew she was afraid of the future. That was immensely logical to Adam’s mind. What little he knew about Millie’s past combined with the nature of being a woman in this world spoke volumes about her fear. She had been homeless. Penniless. Alone. She was afraid of being that again.

Adam looked around the room, hoping to see Millie and the kids waiting for him. But it was empty. Disappointment warred with frustration. Adam didn’t want tension anywhere in his home or marriage.

A glance in the kitchen showed the stew still being kept warm. That was something. He checked in on the kids, satisfied to see them tucked in and sleeping. Then, he walked to Millie’s closed bedroom door. Should he knock, see if she wanted to continue their conversation from earlier? She had been upset. Worried about drought and the future. And he had had to leave before he could soothe her fears. Adam felt bad for that, but she needed to learn that these things were part of life on a farm. And, she had married a farmer.

Adam moved his ear closer to the door when he heard a noise from inside. He didn’t want to intrude on Millie’s privacy or force a conversation if she wasn’t ready, but something about that sound set his nerves on edge. He heard the noise again.

Millie was getting sick.

Adam rapped on the door. “Millie, it’s Adam. I’m coming inside.” He probably should have waited until she gave him permission. But, Adam heard the sound of Millie retching again and refused to stand by and simply listen.

He opened the door and strode inside. Millie was sitting in the rocking chair, still wearing her dress and apron from earlier. Her hair was coming out of its bun as she bent over a chamber pot held on her lap. He walked over and crouched down beside her.

“Adam, you should go. You don’t—” Millie stopped speaking as she got sick again.

Adam couldn’t be here and not touch her. Not try to comfort her. He reached out and rested a hand on her back, rubbing up and down in what he hoped was a soothing manner. “Shh. It’s okay. I’m not going anywhere, and you don’t need to worry about anything. Just let it pass.”

They stayed like that for a few more minutes. Millie hunched over her bowl and Adam just being there, with a hand on her back. Had she been ill all day? Or for longer? Adam hadn’t noticed anything earlier, but they also hadn’t exactly been spending a lot of time together.

Adam moved his hand from her back to stroke her hair away from her face. He incorporated wiping a palm across her forehead into the motion. She didn’t feel feverish.

“I don’t have a fever.” Millie’s voice was hoarse, and she wasn’t looking up at him.

“Did you eat something spoiled?” He and the children were just fine, so that was unlikely.

“I’m fine. Please, just leave me alone.”

Adam winced at the hoarseness in her voice. She was not fine.

“It will take me a while to go get the doctor. I’ll leave just as soon as I think you’ll be okay alone.”

“I’m all right alone. I’m always alone and always all right.”

Adam flinched back at the force of her words. He put his hand back, trying to figure out how to get her to calm down. So far, he was only riling her up more.

“Okay. It’s okay. Just try to calm down.”

“Don’t tell me to calm down. I told you I’m not sick.” Millie had moved from despair to flat-out grumpy. Her mood swings were giving Adam a headache. He decided the best course of action was to keep quiet and just be here.

A few minutes later, Millie sat up all the way. She set the bowl down on the floor on the opposite side of where Adam was crouching. Then, she hunched back over and rested her face in her hands.

Adam saw a pitcher of water and a toweling cloth on top of the chest. He stood up and walked over to it. After wetting the cloth, he came back down to her side. When she looked up, Adam took the cloth and wiped her face, trying to both refresh and comfort her. She reached up and put her hands over his. Took the towel out of his hands.

“I’m sorry. I was rude to you.”

“It’s okay.”

“You say that a lot.”

“Say what?”

“That it’s okay. You’re always telling me that it’s okay.”

She had a point, but he wasn’t sorry. “That’s because I think everything will be okay.”

Millie just gave him a look he couldn’t decipher. Then, she took the cloth and wiped her face again, much rougher than Adam had. She started to stand, and Adam reached out and placed his hands over hers.

“You should rest a few minutes longer.”

“Well, to use your favorite words, I’m okay, Adam.”

“Millie. People who are okay do not get sick like that.”

“They do if they’re pregnant.”

Oh. Of course. Adam had been through this before. Twice. He should have known.

“You look surprised. Didn’t Sarah ever get sick while carrying?”

“She did. Just never this late into her pregnancy.”

“Yeah, well, I didn’t expect it to last this long either.”

Adam clenched his jaw to stop his smile. Millie sounded decidedly put out. It was kind of cute. “How long have you been getting sick?”

“Oh, about every day for forever.”

Yep. She was definitely not feeling any kind of glow. “Why didn’t you say anything? I could have helped out more if I had known.”

Millie stood up, brushed her hands down her apron. “It wasn’t worth mentioning. It’s just part of life. I am perfectly capable of handling anything this baby throws my way.” She moved over and picked up the chamber pot. “If you’ll excuse me, I want to clean this up and then go to bed. I’m tired.”

Millie started to hurry out of the room. She stopped, turned and looked at him. “Thank you for being concerned. I left the stew on for you.”

“Thanks. I’m famished.”

Left alone in her room, Adam breathed out a long sigh. He opened her window, hoping she would appreciate the fresh air when she returned. Feeling foolish standing there and waiting for some unknown something, he headed to the kitchen and dished up a bowl of Millie’s stew. Millie came back in the front door with a cleaned-out chamber pot. She gave Adam a small smile and went inside her room, closing her door behind her.

Adam ate the delicious stew with a slice of thick bread Millie must have made earlier in the day. He found himself thinking about that life inside Millie’s womb with a smile. His regrets about his first wife seemed to be endless, but his children were nowhere on the list. He cherished every moment his children had been in his life, including his wife’s pregnancies.

And now, he was going to be a father again. He’d been so focused on keeping his distance from Millie and being a good father to his children that he’d missed something so very obvious. He couldn’t do both. He could not be distant from Millie and love his children because one of his children was currently inside of Millie. And, Millie was the mother of his children.

He had sought out a mother for them, had brought her here. She was not an unrelated person he could keep on the sidelines. She was integral to his family.

He needed her.

He thought of Millie as being a person who needed safety and reassurance, but Adam was the exact same. He wanted more than a mother for his children. He wanted a partner. Out there. On his farm. But he was afraid Millie would see his need and refuse to stay by his side. That she would feel stifled or trapped. That she would be Sarah. Again.

Yes, Adam needed Millie to have the life he wanted. The companionship he was craving. That meant he needed to start doing his part. But how could he connect with his wife and build the foundation for a strong partnership without risking his heart again?

Chapter Four

To Do:

Learn about drought

Find time to knit more—figure out how to sell the items

Come up with a way to hide part of my knitting proceeds without Adam noticing

Check crops—see if they look dry

Check cattle—see if they look thirsty

Learn what not dry crops look like

Learn what not thirsty cattle look like

Talk to Edith? Is she worried?

Find out if Adam has savings

“What are you working on?”

Millie quickly put down her pencil and closed her notebook. Too late she realized that was acting like someone guilty of, well, something. Great. Adam was going to think she was plotting his demise if she didn’t figure out how to be less secretive.

But, she couldn’t help it. Her notebook was hers. Her lists were hers. They had always been the one thing that had belonged entirely to her. The matron and other kids at The Home had often taken her belongings. One of the first rules of surviving in that place was to not get too closely attached to things. Various items were there for her to use, but they were temporary. They were not hers.

Except for her notebook and lists. No one had ever been interested in taking them away from her. Honestly, most children tried to avoid things related to writing. To school. So, her notebook had been safe.

And now Adam was asking her about it and she was acting like a lunatic.

“It’s just a notebook.” Despite her best effort, the note of defensiveness was obvious in her tone.

“What do you write in it?”

If Adam was accusing her of something, he was hiding it well. He sounded curious. Just curious. Millie didn’t know what to make of that. They had been married for a month, and had seemed to settle into a nice routine where he left her alone as much as possible and she did the same. They spoke as needed to ensure the smooth running of the household. And they put on a good show of friendliness for the children.

Except, it wasn’t really a show. Their companionship was real. It was just distant. A kind of separated friendship that suited Millie perfectly.

So, why was Adam suddenly asking her about her notebook?

It was early evening. Supper had been eaten. The kitchen cleaned. Caty with her dolls and Genie with his blocks were happily playing in front of the fire. Adam was sitting in a rocking chair, watching the children and joining in with their chatter.

And Millie was at the table with her notebook. Looking at what she had accomplished today and planning for tomorrow.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me. I was just wondering. You spend every night sitting over there writing, and it made me curious.”

Adam’s voice was not accusatory, but the way he said “over there” caught Millie’s attention. It was like she was in the next county. She wasn’t even in the next room, for pity’s sake. She was right there. In the same room.

Was he unhappy with her behavior? Did he want something else?

“It’s not a secret. I just make lists in here.”

“Lists?”

“Yes. Lists. You know. I write down things I want to do so I don’t forget.”

Adam was looking at her like she was a crazy person. Great.

“I know it’s weird, but I like to write down my to-do list and then cross the things off.”

Adam looked at the kids. Genie was still banging his blocks, making growly noises and giggling at his own antics. Caty had a doll and brush in her hands, but she wasn’t playing anymore. Instead, she was watching them with worried eyes. She had probably picked up on the same undercurrent that Millie noticed.

“I don’t think it’s weird at all. I can’t tell you how many times I wish I had written something down.” Adam began rocking again and the tension left the room. Caty started brushing her doll’s hair again.

Millie looked down at her closed notebook. Every part of her body wanted to open it back up and start writing again. Review what she had already written. But she forced her hands to stay where they were.

Millie couldn’t stay at the table with her notebook and not review what was inside. That was just asking too much. She stood and walked to where Genie was playing on the ground with his blocks. He grinned at her, all teeth and mischief. He held a block up to her, and Millie took it and sat down next to him.

She ran her thumb over the smooth wood, wondering how something so simple could be so absolutely entertaining to a little boy. Genie reached out and stilled her hand, positioning it so she was holding the block in just the right position. Then he picked up a block with his own hand and proceeded to bang his block into her block. He giggled like this was the most fun he had ever had in his life.

Millie held her block still and played along, resisting the urge to hug this child with every bit of her strength. Wherever he was, whatever he had, this little boy found a way to be happy. Millie had never been like that, not even as a child. She swallowed hard, trying to ease the tension in her throat and the regrets in her mind. Then, she just played with the little boy God had brought into her life.

The rest of the evening passed quickly. Children were put in nightclothes. Prayers were said. Covers were tucked, and lamps were blown out.

Millie followed Adam out of the children’s room, fully intending to head to her own bedroom. That had been the routine for the past month, and it was one Millie enjoyed. She would have some time alone before heading to bed. Time where she could open her notebook back up and finish planning for the days ahead.

“Millie?”

She stopped about a foot outside her doorway and freedom. Millie turned her eyes back to where Adam was waiting behind her in the family room. “Yes?”

“Would you stay out here tonight? For a little bit?”

Millie wanted to hide in her room. She wanted a closed door and time to think. She was still processing her thoughts about a drought, and needed to work on her list of questions to get answered. Once she had answers, she could work on a plan for if they lost all the crops.

But, Millie could not tell Adam no. He was her husband. And his request was not unreasonable. Presumably, he had some reason for wanting her to stay and talk with him.

Millie nodded her consent and walked toward the kitchen, intending to take her familiar place at the table.

“Maybe we could sit in front of the fire?”

Millie froze. Sit in front of the fire? While there were two rocking chairs positioned there, they had never sat together in them. Millie had used her chair to knit during the day. Sometimes in the evening if Adam was still out working. But, never while he was home and sitting in his chair.

The two of them. Rocking together in front of a fire while children were soundly sleeping. That was too much. It seemed too much like...something she couldn’t really name.

“Please? I just want to talk to you.”

Adam’s tone was one he used with a scared animal. Was that how he saw her? Did he think she was weak? Helpless? Millie felt anger surge up. It was a ridiculous reaction to his obvious kindness, but the anger was there nonetheless.

Millie managed to not stomp as she headed for the rocking chair. She did not, however, manage to sit down calmly or gracefully. Instead, she almost huffed down into the chair.

Then the chair rocked.

Then she felt the world spin.

Then that spinning landed in her stomach, which lurched with nausea.

Millie planted her feet to stop the chair from its incessant motion. She closed her eyes and counted the ways she could manage to further embarrass herself this evening. Nope. There weren’t any more. That was reassuring at least.

Millie kept her eyes closed when she felt Adam crouch down in front of her. His warm hands picked hers up from her lap. She could smell him. Dirt shouldn’t be an appealing smell, but it was somehow on this man. He loved the earth and often carried its scent with him through his day.

“Is it passing?”

Millie smiled. She simply couldn’t help herself. She’d gone from fury to amusement in seconds. Alternating between strong emotions had been a constant pattern in her life for months now. Whether it was the baby or the man, Millie had no clue. But, she really hoped it was the baby. Her pregnancy would eventually end, and she prayed the turbulent emotions currently ruling her behavior would end with it.

Millie opened her eyes and saw exactly what she expected. Adam kneeling in front of her, looking both amused and concerned. But, mainly amused. At least he wasn’t upset by her not-so-subtle tantrum.

Adam squeezed her hands and smiled back at her. That smile moved Millie’s attention from her stomach to the ping in her heart. She had not married Adam for his looks. In fact, she had no clue what he looked like until the day before their wedding.

But, there was no denying that she had married a handsome man. His black hair and dark eyes were hard to ignore. Those striking looks were only magnified by his grin with the hint of mischief that Genie had clearly inherited. Both Beale men were easy on the eyes and trouble through and through. And, Millie found that she had as hard a time resisting Adam as she did Genie when he wanted something.

“Do you feel better? I wanted to talk to you, but I understand if you need to go to bed.”

Oh, that option was beyond tempting. But, hiding from problems had never made them disappear. “I’m fine now, Adam. I just sat down too fast.”

His lips twitched, but Adam didn’t point out that she had done a bit more than sit too fast. He stood and headed for his own chair. He positioned it across from her, moving it slightly closer than it had been before. Adam sat, looking at the floor for several never-ending seconds. One of the things Millie liked the most about Adam was his predictability and tendency to do things in a routine manner. But this felt anything but predictable or routine.

Adam breathed out a long, audible breath. Her own breath caught in her throat when he lifted his head and looked at her.

* * *

Knowing what he wanted and making it happen had never been a problem for Adam. He wasn’t afraid of hard work. He wasn’t even intimidated by the prospect of waiting for results. No. He could work and be patient. Deal with setbacks. Adam’s life had been one big exercise in following those principles and getting results.

Until now.

Adam wasn’t dealing with uncultivated land, a struggling seedling or a wild animal.

This was a relationship with a woman. His wife. And he had no idea how to build the relationship he wanted with her. Adam usually trusted his instincts, but they had led him wrong down this very same road. Not that long ago, either.

So here he was. Sitting in front of a fire with the woman he had married. Two people rocking because it was the polite thing to do, both wanting to get up and run far away.

Millie was turning out to be an excellent mother for his children. Truly, he could not imagine a woman caring for Caty and Genie any better than she did. More than caring for them, she was nurturing them. Loving them even. But, Adam wanted more.

He wanted a partner. He wanted to be part of the cozy little family Millie was creating inside the house he’d built. Adam wasn’t looking for romantic love, but the fields that used to bring him joy were starting to feel like banishment.

He actually found himself wishing Millie was with him throughout the day, or that he could go to her without feeling like he was intruding. He wanted another adult to share his life with. Their life. Once he realized what he wanted, he was willing to do what it took to make more happen. If only he knew what to do.

“Are you happy, Millie?”

She stopped rocking, and seemed to almost freeze. Apparently, he had a talent for catching this woman so off guard that she turned into a statue. That wasn’t a talent Adam relished, but it seemed about right given his relationship with women in general.

“Uh, Millie?” He sounded foolish, but what else was he supposed to say?

Millie closed her mouth and blinked, and Adam felt the pressure in his chest lessen as she came back to life. She blushed, and Adam tried not to notice how pretty it looked on her cheeks.

“Am I happy? I don’t understand.”

The bewildered tone made Adam’s heart ache. She sounded absolutely stunned that her husband would care about her happiness. Had nothing in her life led her to expect that her happiness would be a concern? Of importance?

Adam leaned farther forward, resting his forearms on the tops of his thighs. They had been living as strangers for a month. It had gone nicely, too. But, he wanted more than that for his children, including the one currently growing in Millie’s womb. Not love. No, Adam had learned that lesson well. But, friendship. Companionship. A sense of shared purpose surely wasn’t too much to ask for, was it? That was the goal, and Adam was ready to do the work.

“It’s been a month. I just want to know how you feel about things here. Are you happy with the house? The children? Your day-to-day life?” With me? He didn’t say the last part, but Adam’s heart whispered it.

“I’m happy here?”

“That sounded more like a question than a reply. There isn’t a right answer. I know things have been overwhelming. You left the city and came to a new state. You came to a new house. You’re living with three strangers, two of whom are children.”