Lone soul

Chapter 4: Bargaining

Spring time. The most precious season of all.

Our ensemble has an appearance in a local library in honor of 73 years since the end of the World War II. I am dancing my Mireille Mathieu solo, already dressed in a beautiful white dress for waltz. But my mind isn’t set on our upcoming performance. All I can think about is the conversation of me and Ivan we have had right before coming here.

“Maybe we could turn all these rumors into our reality?”

 – he says.

“Well… Ivan, it is too much for this moment, I need to focus on my dance here in the library. Give me some time to think about it, I’ll tell you once I figure everything out and make a final decision, okay?”

 – I respond.

“Of course, I’ll be waiting. Good luck”.

This conversation had started out of a joke and suddenly turned into something more, something I’ve never had in my life. People in our school were done with the jokes, so somebody spread the rumor that Ivan and I were dating. Even my homeroom teacher hinted that everyone already knows. Knows something that doesn’t really exist.

I don’t have any romantic interest in Ivan. We are good friends, I can trust him with anything. He knows about me more than anyone in the school, and I deeply appreciate this special felling of absolute comfort he provides me with. I love how we would chat for the whole night, walk around his neighborhood or watch some movies in his school dorm’s room. But relationship? We are so young, we are obviously not in love (at least I am not for sure). What if we just ruin our special communication we are gifted with now? Because, I am sure, we will break up sooner or later – I feel like it’s inevitable. So I won’t be able to bring our unique friendship back after what we could experience in a relationship.

But at the same time I wanted to discover what it feels like, to be in a relationship with a guy. And it also makes sense: we know each other as nobody does, we spend most of our time together. What if I am just overthinking and it is going to be just as our friendship is being now, just with extra hugs and kisses? And I also have never had my First Kiss yet. And I desire to experience it so much! Most of the girls from other classes, even younger than me, have already had their First Kiss, yet some of them have had also the second, and the third, and the fourth… But my class is different from them – our girls, including me, are acting as nuns. It is our thing. But I am not actually enjoying it.

So, I am conflicted. Should we confirm the rumors and make it official or should we keep it the way it is now?

Girls of our ensemble and I performed successfully. Everyone liked it so they were asking plenty of questions after the show. I’ve got many compliments about how harmonious and gracious I looked in my white waltz dress during the solo. Yet I was still not sure what to answer to Ivan.

***

I said “Okay”. Now Ivan and I are officially together. As I love to say, “It's better to do and regret about it than not to do and regret about it”, although I have started to rely on this quote’s maturity since recently.

I walked out the library with my hands full of dancing costumes, I am supposed to take care of these and bring back to school the next day. On the bright side, I am going to spend the night at home in the middle of the school week. Ivan met me right after the performance. He scanned my exhausted image and took the garment bags. Also leaned forward, probably to kiss me, but then, at the last moment, switched over and kissed me on the cheek. I will need some time to get used to it.

He walked me all the way home – first we took the subway, and then the bus. He lives on the other side of town, but still did it. What a sweet guy! Maybe our relationship actually is worth a chance after all, maybe this is how good relationships are supposed to be, how would I know? And maybe this awkwardness we have had during our little trip will slip away with time?

***

I got sick in the middle of the week so now I have to spend my time in school infirmary, until my grandma picks me up. I’ve already read some childish books that are stuffed in a nightstand. My phone is running out of battery so I got completely bored very soon.

All of a sudden, in the silence, diluted only by the singing of birds outside, I hear something else. Someone is calling for me!

I rush to the window and see a group of my friends from different classes, including Ivan! At this moment I am deeply touched by their concern and attempt to cheer me up. Maybe, it is not so bad in here, in this school? Maybe, I am too judgmental about the people I’m surrounded by? What if I am the problematic one, not them? Because it is clearly a good sign that they all gathered together just to make me feel better. And if I leave this place for good, am I going to miss them? I grew up around them, and I don’t really have many friends outside the school. The real one is, probably, only Julia, the girl I used to go to kindergarten with.

Whilst such thoughts were spinning around my head with the speed of light, my friend-group has started singing this funny song “Who let the dogs out?”, actually barking and jumping on the chorus. I was laughing my head off, experiencing pure happiness and pride for my friends.

But the bell rang soon and they all left. On the next break they all came to my room in the infirmary and brought some chocolate, so no one would notice. Chocolate was forbidden in the school, as any other unhealthy snacks. This break was short, so they all wished me to get well soon and all left again. At least, that’s what I thought. A second after Ivan came back to my room just to spend a little bit more time with me.

We were laughing and I felt the most cozy ever.

– So, have you ever kissed someone? – Ivan asks.

Yet I didn’t expect him to bring this up, a feeling of awkwardness has never came.

– Nope.

– Then we will fix it pretty soon!

– But don’t be hard on me, okay? I have no idea how to do it right, – I respond, pretending to be shy.

– You know you should not ask. It was obvious and I’m more than just okay with it, – Ivan replies gently, providing me with a feeling of relief and comfort.

Chatting and joking in such precious way, we didn’t notice how fast time flies. He was skipping a lesson for me, so now he has to go. We hugged, he left.

Almost.

The next moment he arrives back uncharacteristically fast and, while I was trying to realize the situation, he sits back, just where he used to a minute ago, grabs my shoulders and kisses me on the lips. Here it is, my desirable First Kiss ever. I felt like my brain and heart switched places: all of my thoughts were rushing unpredictably and the sound of heartbeat was loudly heard in the head.

After a while, smooching like actual teenagers, he let me go and said:

“And you told me you don’t know how to kiss!”

 – and leaves without waiting for my reply. I fall on the bed, smiling at the ceiling. My First Kiss has just happened! And this phrase of his, what does it mean? Does he really think I am a good kisser?

I waited for my feelings, mind and heart to settle down and grabbed the phone. I have to tell about this extraordinary event right this second! Found Sam’s account on Snapchat and spammed her with the news. She replies almost immediately.

“Oh. My. Gosh! DID IT ACTUALLY HAPPEN? How did you like it? :)”

Yes, girlfriend, it did. I hurry with the respond.

“Everything was unbelievably magical! You have never told me how amazing it is! The details are for later, but I wanted you to acknowledge this first”.

Sam is my good friend from Ivan’s class. She’s one year older than me, also we both are partaking in our ensemble. She already has got a boyfriend with whom she has started dating just recently. Probably, it is the main reason I told her about my First Kiss in the first place. Sam knows how relationships work, she could provide me with some useful advices. I consider her an expert in this field.

***

My granny came to get me shortly. I packed my bag and left the place where my own little miracle has happened, which I’ve shared with two people only: Ivan and Sam.

Chapter 5: Acceptance

The school year comes to an end. I haven’t decided yet, if it is the last one in the boarding school or not. The whole situation about me leaving this place has become complicated. One year more is left for me to overcome, then I will have to leave anyway: there are no 10th and 11th grades in our school, only 9. Maybe I shouldn't turn everything upside down at the very last moment? Also, it is what I’m being told constantly by all of my teachers and classmates.

On the other hand, Ivan graduates this year, as well as most of my friends from his class. And there is also a boy I am actually in love with – Asher, Ivan’s best friend. I felt wrong so many times, I thought the feelings for Asher are just a creation of my own brain or fantasy or something else, and will slip away with time for sure. But it has never happened. I’ve decided for myself: I will have been staying with Ivan for as long as possible, trying to ignore my sympathy for Asher and his sympathy for me. I will never cheat, break a promise or just be a bad person. That’s why I try not to remember about Asher’s existence at all.

Anyway, their graduation leaves me to my classmates only, which I’m not exactly excited about. And if I switch the schools, I will get surrounded by absolutely new students, teachers – a whole new environment. I will have to get used to it, years will be needed for this. So, maybe I should get this extra year to adapt to the new circumstances?

The conflict in my head is overwhelming.

***

The defense of my class’ projects is scheduled for tomorrow. The final preparations are taking up my entire time, which my choreographer is complaining about because I skip the rehearsals. And yet I still have to performance with several dances and one song in that competition “The best student of the year”. Mrs. Galena is mad for a reason. But tomorrow I’ll end with project, so the freed time of mine will be spent to catch up on all of these missed dance practices.

By the way, Laura was the one to be nominated for the competition from our class. Yeah, as I didn’t expect this to happen. Once she heard about “The best student of the year” and has been told that I am not participating, she enthusiastically agreed to be our class’ nominee. Her performance for the event consists of one wartime song and an expressive reading of a poem, accompanied by sad music. With her innocent appearance, high-pitched voice and the whole melancholy atmosphere, the performance should be impressive. Except for the fact she is not artistic. I don’t know why, but it seems that she has stage fright, although Laura is not afraid of anything – she is reckless, but at the moment of need she becomes inconspicuous. It is a good skill, I don’t have it. That’s why I’m always the one who gets in trouble, not Laura.

***

I successfully defend my project. Mr. Vagif sits in the auditorium along with the school scientific commission, which consists of our principal, head teacher and a couple of science teachers, and looks proud of me. I’m so honored to be his protégée at this moment!

In our class only Kio and his best friend Vlad failed with the defense of the projects. They have been told to prepare better and take another attempt in June. Poor guys, they couldn’t care less about this activity and now they have to.

The next day we sit in our very last English class. Mr. Vagif gave us final assignment for the lesson. I finished it first and handed my copybook to the teacher. While he is checking my work, we talk quietly among ourselves.

– So, do you leave this year? – I ask.

– Unfortunately, the answer is yes. Promise not to get bored in here without me! – Mr. Vagif smiles and lightly nudges me with his elbow.

– Actually, it is probably my last year as well. The decision isn’t final yet, but I'm more inclined to leave this place, – I respond, almost crying.

– Then good for you, Valerie! Whatever you decide on, I want it to be the best for you. But now you better go sit down, I’ve heard the head teacher in the hall, she could come in and check on us.

I approach my desk and sit, holding back the tears. No matter if I leave or not, I won’t see this man again. The Teacher with a capital letter, who opened new doors for me, really taught me new exiting things, instilled the love for English language, unfolding all possible facets of it. He not only taught us the rules of grammar, but also opened up new horizons that were inaccessible to us. I can’t tell if his work was that much appreciated by my classmates as well as by me, but can tell for sure – I will never forget Mr. Vagif, my Best Teacher, who happened to be my personal life guide, ever.

The bell rings, everyone lands their copybooks on the teacher’s desk. At this moment Mr. Vagif closes mine and hands it over to me.

– Check on your grade and my little note. Actually, you can look at the note every time you feel down. Have the best life, Valerie, – he says quietly.

I open my copybook, while Mr. Vagif stacks our class’ notebooks and puts them in his briefcase. I’ve got an A and made no mistakes! And a short note, in just one line…

“Always remain this confident and bold. I like it!”

First tear fell down on the paper. I hurry to the hallway to chase my favorite teacher as he had already left the classroom. He has just stepped on the stairs but I took his arm, holding a briefcase, and hugged, watering his jacket. He pets my head fatherly and a feeling of gratitude has flooded my soul. Our principal must regret, she has missed such a professional!

***

Today is the competition day. After crying myself to sleep last night, I don’t feel my best. But I have to pull myself together to perform successfully and not to look jealous of Laura’s accomplishment, yet I am not assured in her winning. But she is the nominee and I am going to be just an observer, if to say more precisely – an entertainer.

Because of the competition, the lessons have been shortened. After finishing the final test in the last science class this year, I excuse myself and head to the dance studio on the second floor. Mrs. Galena has been awaiting for me for half an hour, it is better not to make her wait more.

After greeting me nervously, my choreographer handed me all of my costumes. Today I am not just doing the solo, but also three dances among the ensemble’s members. So, I took five costumes – the fifth one is for the song – and went to our shared dressing room. Here I notice that everyone has already come. After quickly changing for the first performance, I return to the studio with my “colleagues” on the dance. One of them is Sam. We start to rehearse for a little time and then finally go to third floor, where the assembly hall is located.

I scan the hall and feel, how the level of my worries about the upcoming performance increases awfully fast. It probably happened because I notice