Lone soul

Chapter 2: Anger

My fourteenth birthday was almost 3 months ago and I feel like I missed it out. I haven’t had a party or anything close to an actual celebration of it. I tell everyone that the reason of it is because I don’t like birthdays at all. The actual reason is that my family does not have money enough to perform something like this. Well, my aunt and her husband bought me a cake and a little present for which I am really grateful. And maybe they even could try to find some money for an actual celebration. But I know how hard it is for us right now, so I didn’t even ask. I told them the same thing I tell everyone else: “I’m not interested in this holiday, it is meaningless. Yet I love Christmas or Easter, birthdays are boring. Don’t bother yourself, I don’t need anything, thanks”. But deep inside I wanted to experience the joy of a real birthday. With gifts, celebrations, present cards, friends and family. But who am I fooling? I don’t even have a full family – my mother died when I was in the second grade (it was a reason I have been sent to this boarding school which I leave only for weekends, holidays and season breaks), dad left my mom before my birth, thinking I wasn’t his child. Maternal grandparents died as well, which leaves me to my aunt Anastasia (mother’s sister), her husband Alex and my great-aunt Nina (mom’s and Anastasia’s aunt). Actually I have a godmother, who is also my aunt, but we’ve lost any connection with her since she's an alcoholic. Sometimes she appears out of a sudden, but after a while gets lost again.

Laura’s birthday is in a week. She always gets the best gifts and celebrations. It is Her day. I have always been jealous because of it since I haven’t got any of what she gets every year. Although she doesn’t have parents, just like me, lives with her grandmother, but still has a better life than I do. Are the best friends supposed to be jealous of each other?..

I have no idea what to give, so I will probably go with money. I wanted to buy some makeup products for myself but I’d better avoid humiliation of giving a poor present.

Since recently I care about how I look. I even consider myself pretty, yet not as Laura pretty. She is a natural blonde, skinny and gracefully looking, has big blue eyes. And I have auburn thin hair, medium-sized hazel eyes, average face features and just as average body. Nothing special about my appearance, no matter how much I wanted to stand out from the crowd. I have always felt as a less attractive Laura’s shadow. She also has great vocal range, but doesn’t have enough skills. Yet I have more skills, but less natural talent. She is not that good at studying or dancing or performing but I still always compare us and feel less in everything. Are the best friends supposed to compare themselves with the other?..

I remind myself that tomorrow I will finally go home. I put on my best fake smile and head towards my class. Lessons are over already, but I have an extra class. And it is not particularly an ordinary one.

Every 8th and 10th grades student must prepare and defend a project for being able to finish school to enter colleges (after the 9th grade) or universities (after the 11th grade). We choose a topic, make our own research on it and create some practically useful content that would help to solve the problem of the topic. I chose the topic “The problem of low English proficiency in my country and hometown”. Recently I’ve realized that English language is not just a subject, being taught at school, but an “alive” dynamic structure. It doesn’t just contain grammar and lexicon, but also cultural references of people who speak this language, its own history and many other aspects. It seemed so fascinating to me that I even decided to go deeper into this topic and start a project on it.

Our new English substitute teacher helps me with it. He came to the school to temporarily replace our previous teacher who went on maternity leave, like her previous colleagues. For some reason, English teachers get pregnant every time. But this one won’t, because he is a man. And I liked him better than any of those English teachers we have had so far. He has never cared about school curriculum. He was teaching us English in his own unique way. And it is the main reason I changed my attitude towards English in the first place. Mr. Vagif taught us not the school subject but real English language. He also acts like we’re his friends and not the subordinates, makes jokes during the class, tells stories of his experience. I appreciate it so much. He is my favorite teacher, officially.

As I walk in the class, Mr. Vagif waves and smiles at me friendly.

“You’re almost not late, good job,”

 – he says unironically. I appreciate his kindness and lack of arrogance. He is sincerely glad to see me.

We work on a project for some time. I leave the class wishing him the great day and asking when our next class will be.

– On Monday, if you don’t mind… – he stopped as if he remembered something. – Oh, wait, I’ve heard there’s the rehearsal of the competition on Monday. You’ll probably be too busy and exhausted, so I’ll see you on Wednesday.

Well, Mr. Vagif, I have some news.

– I am not participating in this competition, so Monday it is, – I feel terrible saying this.

– Really? Something tells me it’s all about Mrs. Marinée, am I right? – his smile became sharper, almost evil.

– I can’t deny it, – I respond.

– She’s so arrogant. How do you manage to stand this woman… Well, see you on Monday, have a great weekend.

This conversation had a bitter taste. I feel grateful to Mr. Vagif and simultaneously angry about Mrs. Marinée. How dare she take me out of her way to put her new students under the ray of success? Success – in her opinion, in mine it is just another school activity that won’t bring any benefits for the participants. Lame. But it’s my thing to be a part of such events. I’m used to it, everyone is. And she took it from me.

Chapter 3: Depression

After New Year I realized I can’t live like this anymore.

My official guardian has always been my great-aunt. She still is, although I live with Anastasia.

And grandma (I always call my great-aunt this since I don’t have any own grandparents) would never allow me to switch the school. She likes the way it is now, she thinks I don’t have to change anything yet. But I have been dreaming about leaving this boarding school for years. And I think I have the chance this year. Since I don’t live with grandma anymore, I am almost fully responsible for my life and decisions about it. And Anastasia supports me in everything. So, leaving it is. This year is the last one in this hell of a school.

I have told Laura about this. She doesn’t support me and thinks it’s irrational. Also she is afraid of what is going to happen to our friendship. I couldn’t care less. Our friendship is unhealthy, why would I want to save it?

My homeroom teacher also tried to talk me out of this. And the rest of the teachers did, too. For one moment I even thought: “Why would everyone be so against this idea? Maybe I just do not see the full picture and it really is a spontaneous decision? Maybe I have to reconsider the whole thing more rationally?”. But then I remember all the things that have happened to me in here.

…Second grade. I sit in a school cafeteria and refuse to eat what I’m being offered. Our teacher with whom we had a previous class – Miss Dina, our principal’s daughter, – is trying to persuade me to eat some. She’s being mean and persistent while doing it. I feel really uncomfortable and even start to cry. It grows into hysteria. Finally Miss Dina can’t deal with me anymore so she takes my hand and leads me to the principal’s office. There she begins to cry herself and acts like I am the evil child. She even considers quitting the job, because of me (she actually did quit). But I just have never liked beef tongue…

…Fourth grade. I woke up in the school dorm and felt it again. I don’t have any strength to make myself up and begin my morning routine. I feel numb. It happens to me every morning if I didn’t eat enough the evening before. My grandma says the reason of it is my anemia. I tell my girls to warn one of the adults so they do. But then my classmate Nessa arrives (she’s the only one who leaves the school every day because of her medical condition) and sees the situation. She offers me an apple that I gratefully accept. After finishing the fruit I feel better. I go to the school cafeteria and then to the class. Our head teacher interrupts the lesson and asks me to leave to follow her. We’re heading to the principal’s office. This time they even called my grandma, since she’s my official guardian, and invited her. Now I’m not alone in this cold yet richly dressed office. The principal looks at me with the most devastating gaze. This woman spreads the vibe of power, authority and wealth. She knows her worth, probably even exaggerates it. “Your ward misled all of our teachers and mentors assuring in her unwell feeling, also skipped the breakfast. As you know, it’s against the school rules. Anyway, after a short period of time she seems to be good as new. So, she did it all just to get attention, which is unacceptable”. While she was throwing this speech, I turned speechless. Do they actually accuse me of pretending to feel bad, when I actually felt bad? Is my grandma going to believe them? I look at her. She sits with an unreadable face. As usual.

Everything turned out okay, but grandma was not exactly happy about this whole situation.

They never even let me say that I’ve had an apple which made me feel better…

…This year. It’s Wednesday, which means it’s a cleaning day (every school in the country has cleaning days on Saturdays and only once or twice a year, usually on springs and falls; yet our school has weekly cleaning days each Wednesday). I am sick of them using us to clean our school. They have employees for this job but we still wash the halls, the floors, even the gym. This time I felt bellyache because of my period, so I have decided to skip today’s cleaning action. But who would let me? Laura was on my side in this, so we both stood up to our homeroom teacher saying that it’s not our responsibility to wash the whole school, especially feeling unwell. After that I have met my “beloved” principal once again. But this time is different: we are not in her office, she has arranged a gathering, whole school is here. She briefly explained the reason of the meeting and told me and Laura to stand by her side. After this she took a huge book with the school rules. Laura and I are supposed to read the part of it.

“Students of the School must:

1. Comply with the School Charter;

2. Fulfill all obligations, prescribed in the School Charter…”

As we were reading this piece of paper, principal’s mockery was turning more and more noticeable. How could everyone in the hall ignore this? We were told to follow the rules and not to break these anymore. Or else. What else? I am one hundred percent convinced they would never expel me or Laura…

Considering these memories, I made an unshakable decision. I leave this place for good.

I rush to the hall on the third floor since we’re having another gathering. I’m here, so is everyone. Our principal walks in a