The Puddleford Papers: or, Humors of the West

Besides all these, the band were supplied with dinner horns, conch-shells, sleigh-bells, and sometimes guns and pistols.

It assembled, usually about eleven o'clock at night, around the quarters of the newly-married couple, and within a day or two after marriage. Its members were dressed up like an army of scare-crows. Some wore their shirts outside, some their coats and vests buttoned behind, and some were attired in female dress. Its leader marched and countermarched this strange medley, and announced and conducted all the music. The band never moved without orders – it was thoroughly disciplined.

The instruments were first put in tune. The trombone gave out a low and heavy growl – the "gyastacutas," a bung! the horse-fiddle sullenly replied – a chink-chink from a few pairs of bells, and a toot-e-toot from the horns and shells, showed the blast was near at hand.

And such a blast! The infernal regions could not equal it. It roared and echoed for miles around. It fairly tore out the inside of one's head. The cows bellowed and the dogs barked, honestly believing that the dissolution of all things was at hand. The whole surrounding population roused up, for no person pretended to sleep when the Great Calathumpian Band was assembled.

The reader must not suppose that this band was a mere congregation of boys. Not by any means; it was one of the institutions of the country – one of the public amusements of the day, and was patronized by young and old. Men had lived and died members of the Calathumpian Band, and are remembered in Puddleford for this, if nothing else.

It is said that the songs and the amusements of a people determine their character. If this be true, the reader can judge something of the country population about Puddleford from the little sketch I have given of them. The amusements of the villagers themselves were quite miscellaneous. The "aristocracy," as Bird & Co. termed them, gathered every night at the Eagle, where they played cards, checkers, backgammon, made bets, discussed the affairs of the nation and the private affairs of their neighbors, drank a little whiskey, and went home at eleven or twelve o'clock deeply impressed with their own importance. Bulliphant's bar-room was their centre of gravity, and it was a matter of deep concern, if any member of the club was not found in his accustomed place. Longbow, Turtle, and Bates had actually unseated several pairs of pantaloons on the landlord's chairs, which proved clearly enough that they were faithful members.

Important business was transacted by this club. It made all the justices of the peace, constables, school inspectors, &c., &c., and was a controlling clique, in all political matters, within the township.

The reader discerns that Puddleford, in most respects, was like other places. It had its divisions in society, its importance, its pomp and show, and relatively speaking, its aristocracy. It played through the same farce in a small way that larger places do on a more extended plan. Longbow felt just as omnipotent, walking up and down the streets of Puddleford, as the tallest grandee treading a city pavement. The scale of greatness was not as long in his village, but he stood as high on it as any other man in the world on his – and so long as he headed his own scale, it mattered but little to him where the "rest of mankind" were.

It must have been a very remarkable character who once said, "human nature is always the same" – that the only difference in human pride and folly is one of degree. And I really hope there are none of my readers who feel disposed to look down upon Puddleford with contempt, because I have presented a few personages who have innocently caricatured what others daily practise, who have been polished in the very laboratory of fashion. Puddleford ought not, for that reason, to be condemned.

It seems to me that it may, on the contrary, be a lesson to such, because it makes a burlesque of itself in chasing folly. Puddleford is a great looking-glass, which reflects the faces of almost every person who looks into it, and proves, what that remarkable character said, "that human nature is always the same."

CHAPTER VIII

Puddleford and Politics. – Higgins against Wiggins. – The Candidates' Personale. – Their Platforms. – Delicate Questions. – Stump Speaking. – Wiggins on Higgins. – Impertinent Interruptions. – Higgins on Wiggins. – Ike Turtle not dead yet. – Commotion. – Squire Longbow restores Order. – Grand Stroke of Policy. – The Roast Ox at Gillett's Corners.

Puddleford was famous for its political excitements, and so indeed is a new country generally. Its people watched the altar of liberty with an "eternal vigilance." The qualifications of all persons, from a candidate for the presidency down to township constable, were thoroughly canvassed by the electors. What might be a qualification for office in Puddleford, might disqualify in another region, but we cannot expect that all men will think alike. We must not forget that office meant something in Puddleford – that it conferred honor on the man, whether the man conferred honor on it or not. A highway commissioner, or overseer of the poor, was a character looked up to, and a supervisor or justice were the oracles of their neighborhood.

The merits and demerits of candidates were freely discussed at public meetings, held most usually in the open air, and composed of all parties. Aspirants for public favor, who were opposed to each other, met and made and answered arguments. All things in the "heavens above and the earth beneath," were raked up and presented at these gatherings. The creation of the world – Adam and Eve – Cain – Jerusalem – Greece and Rome – the revolution, and the last war, were dragged into speeches, and made material for electioneering.

In the fall, subsequently to my settlement, Higgins ran against Wiggins for member of the legislature. It was said that this was one of the most exciting contests that Puddleford ever experienced. Every man, woman, and child were enlisted. The "Higgins" men didn't speak to the "Wiggins" men, nor the "Wiggins" men to the "Higgins" men, for more than two months, and the opposing families absolutely refused to visit.

Wiggins was a little, waspish man, who lived in the country, and was called a "forehanded" farmer. He had been a justice of the peace in Cattaraugus county, State of New York, and thought as much of himself as he did of any other person living. He had a small, withered face, which looked like a frost-bitten apple, red hair, and a quick, restless eye. He was a violent politician, a shrewd manager, had a keen insight of human nature, some humor; and was and always had been a red-hot democrat. He rafted lumber for several years on the Susquehanna, where he received the greater part of his education. He could write his name, and had been known to attempt a letter, but no one was ever yet found who could read his correspondence. His orthography was decidedly bad. He spelled in a sort of short-hand way, which was not so objectionable, after all, as his language usually conveyed the pronunciation of the words intended. "Il" was used for "ile" or "oil;" "hos" stood for "horse;" "kanderdit for ofis," for "candidate for office," and so on. His extemporaneous speaking was quite tolerable, and it was this gift which had given him notoriety.

Higgins was a man much after the sort of Wiggins, in many respects, though not altogether. He was a violent whig, and talked incessantly about his "glorious party." He was a large, tall, broad-breasted fellow, ignorant, cunning, and cut something of a swagger wherever he went. He drank whiskey, chewed a paper of fine-cut every day, read the newspapers, cursed the locofocos, prognosticated the downfall of the country, and pledged himself to die game, let what would happen.

These candidates for office had a "platform," a part of which was intended for Puddleford, and a part for their common country – some planks of which were thrown in merely to catch votes, and some for future fame. Wiggins said he was for "giving immortal man full swing inter all things, and letting his natur fly loose like the winds." He was "for driving the American eagle inter every land, whether she'd go or not." He was "for a railroad and canal straight thro' Puddleford, to be built by the state, under the penalty of a revolution." He was "agin rich men everywhere, for they trampled down the poor." He was "for upsetting Longbow and his clique, and declared he would bring in a bill, if elected, that would blow the whole set out of sight." He was for "easy times," "plenty of cash," "little or no work," "good crops," and everything else the people wanted.

Higgins was for "breaking down, and scat'ring locofocos everywhere." He went "for everything that's right, and agin everything that's wrong." He was for "beating Wiggins." He could "show that he hadn't patriotism enough to keep the breath warm in a four year old child! there warn't a spark of American glory in him. He wanted to sell out the whole country to the British, and would if elected! Besides, he kicked up a fuss in Bigelow's church, about the doctrines preached, and damaged religion." Higgins, it seemed to me, based his success upon the supposed unpopularity of Wiggins, and not upon any political principles of his own, while Wiggins relied upon the great fundamental truths that were shadowed forth in his platform.

There were other questions which agitated the populace of Puddleford and its county, such as the sale of liquor, the removal of the Indians, &c., &c., which both Higgins and Wiggins touched very tenderly, because it became necessary to advocate both sides, sometimes for and sometimes against, according to the views of those persons who happened at the time to be soliciting information.

During the fall, I had the pleasure of hearing these two rival aspirants for office define their position before the people. The gathering was in a grove, very large for a new country, and made up of men, women, and children. Flags and inscriptions were flying here and there, some for Higgins and some for Wiggins, and every person was as brimful of patriotism as he could hold.

Wiggins rose, and presented himself on a high platform that had been erected for the occasion, pulled up his collar, buttoned his coat, coughed a few times, and then took a leisurely survey of the crowd. "Feller citizens! men and women!" said he, "there is going to be an election, and I'm a-goin to run for office. Not that I care anything about the office itself, for I don't, a tinker's ladle, but I want to beat Higgins, who never ought to be trusted with the liberties of any people, and I'm willing to sacrifice something to do it. Feller citizens! I want to have you recollect where Higgins lives – at 'Satan's Half Acre!' – where they don't have any Fourth of July; no Sunday school, only about two months a year; and the same place, feller citizens, where they mobbed the temperance lecturer, and swore they'd drink streak-lightning if they were a-min-to! (Great applause, and cheers for Wiggins, mingled with oaths and hisses from Higgins' friends.) Feller citizens, Higgins is a leading man there, and accountable for all this; and if he is elected, we shall indorse all these doings." – A man from the "Half Acre," one of Higgins' friends, rose, and said he'd take the liberty of saying that was an "infarnal lie." Wiggins replied, by inquiring "if the meeting would see free discussion gagged down, here, in the presence of the immortal Washington, who, he hoped, was looking down on-to us!" whereupon the unfortunate man was pitched, headlong, out of the crowd. "Arter having looked at where Higgins lives," continued Wiggins, "look at Higgins himself! what is he? what does he know? what can he do? Why, feller citizens, he was born down somewhere in a place so small, that it ain't on the map, and started life by tending a lime-kiln; but he broke down in this business, and was discharged. He next tried to go to school, but there warn't any class low down enough to get him into. He then tried hoss doct'ring; and you, feller citizens, know when a man turns out good-for-nothing, he goes rite into the larned professions. He tried hoss doct'ring! and, after laying out ten or a dozen of those noble animals inter the cold embrace of death (applause), he ran away to get rid of a summons that was clus arter him! Then he fiddled for a while winters, and laid off summers; then he druv stage, then he got-tor-be captain of a raft, his first office; but he stranded her, and she's never been got off yet. At last, he went to 'Satan's Half Acre,' where he thinks he ain't known, and actually, feller citizens, has the impudence to come up for office. (Great applause.)

"Now," continued Wiggins, "having disposed of Higgins, I am going to launch out on the great political questions of the day – questions that swell up in me, and fairly make me tremble all over, to think on. We've a mighty sight to do, to take care of them liberties that was 'queathed to us by Gen'ral Washington, jest before he died. The old hero know'd he was a-going, but afore he went, he give us our liberty, and said all that he asked on us was to take care on it, and not let anybody steal or coax it away from us, but always hold on to it like a dog to a root. If it hadn't been for our party," exclaimed Wiggins, in a loud voice, "that great American eagle that has flew'd so long, and kivered our juvenil' years with his wings – that eagle, feller citizens, that sleeps on the ragin tornado, and warms himself in the sun —that eagle, I say —that eagle! eagle! would now be as dead as a smelt, lying on his back, a-groaning for help. (Great applause, and three cheers.) (Wiggins said he hoped the audience would hold in their manifestations of applause as much as they could, as it scattered his thoughts.) The fust whig," continued Wiggins, "that we have any notis' on in his'try, is the old feller with tail and horns, who goes to and fro, up and down the airth; and he, you know, stole all-er Job's property, killed off his children, and came pretty near killing the old man himself. The next was John Adams, who didn't want anybody to come into the country, nor say nothing after they had got here. He, feller citizens, was for exploding all the glories of natur, and drying up the etarnal fountains of hope and consolation – for turning man back again into the regions of confusion, where all is night and misery! (Very great applause, followed by a flight of hats in the air.) The next whig was everybody that supported old John, such as Higgins and his party.

"Now, feller citizens, what's the reason you hain't got any more money? It's because the laws ain't right. Man was born to have enough of everything. This is a big world we live in – it ram'fys itself all round the 'quator, and its mountains diversify themselves into infinity. You own your part on't just as much as the greatest nabob; and all you've got to do is to stand up to the rack, vote for true men, and you'll get it; and it's your duty to rise in your wrath, break the chains of oppression, and declare that you'll never lay down the sword until the last enemy is routed." (More applause.) Here a solemn-faced man rose, and asked Wiggins to define himself on the "licker question." "Thank you, sir," replied Wiggins – "was just comin' to that." "The licker question – the licker question," continued Wiggins, speaking with gravity, for there was a great division of opinion among his hearers on that subject – "the licker question, feller citizens, is a great question. Some people drink, some don't – some drink a little, some a good deal. The licker question is a question that a great many folks talk about. I talk about it myself, and" (the same man rose again, and ask'd Wiggins if he would "vote agin licker?" Wiggins said "it throw'd him off his balance, to be disturb'd in public speaking") – "everybody know'd how he stood on that pint – he'd never chang'd; he stood where his forefathers did; he went the whole hog on the licker question" – ("Which side?" inquired the man.) "Which side? which side?" ejaculated Wiggins: "do you wanter trammel up a free and inderpendent citizen of this mighty republic! How do I know, here, what I shall be called upon to vote for or agin! Ask me to say I'll vote agin something that hain't come up yet! When David knocked over the great giant Goliah, do you 'spose he knew just where he'd throw the stone to hit him." "Yes-sir-ee," exclaimed Higgins, springing on his feet "he did that very thing." Wiggins "hoped order would be preserved. I shall leave to the expansive development of the times," continued Wiggins, his arms flying like a windmill, "the blazing energies of the day, and cling to the constitution till it goes out inter the expiring regions of oblivion." (Three cheers were given.)

Wiggins sat down, evidently quite exhausted; and I noticed that he had made a decided impression. Higgins rose, stripped off his coat and vest, rolled up his shirt-sleeve, stuffed a quarter-paper of tobacco into his cheek, and "ascended the platform." He said he was a humble citizen, and warn't com'd of rich or larned folks – he had tended lime-kiln – he had doctor'd hosses – he had druv stage; and he was goin' to drive and doctor a jackass. (Much cheering.) He had always worked for his living. He'd give five dollars to any man who'd tell him where Wiggins was born, or show that he ever did anything. He lived on the sweat, and the blood, and the brains of the people. He'd tended grocery, peddled calickers, try'd to talk law once, and was now on a farm, just for appearance' sake. For himself, he was a humble link in the great whig chain. (Ike Turtle said he s'posed he was that link called the swivel.) Higgins, with an affected pleasantry, asked Turtle "how long it was since he run'd away from the State of New York, for debt?" Turtle replied, that "Wiggins ought to know, for he was along with him" – whereupon a tremendous shout was raised in favor of Turtle. Higgins rallied and proceeded. He said "he warn't goin' to talk about the devil, and John Adams – he didn't know nothing about either on 'em – it was entirely agin his religion to speak of such things before such a 'spectable audience. (Some sensation.) What he wanted to do was, to carry the great, etar-nal, glorious principles of his party rite strait inter every mortal being, and save the country, which now lies bleeding at its last gasp." (Ike asked Higgins to "throw him down a bundle of them principles, and if they suited him, he'd take a few.")

Somebody told Turtle to sit down, whereupon Turtle appealed to the crowd, and inquired if they'd see a citizen gagged down. ("No! no!" was the reply.)

Higgins went on. He said Wiggins warn't so near straight on the licker question as his yaller dog at hum, for his dog never got drunk, and Wiggins did, sometimes. ("That's a lie!" exclaimed Wiggins.) "Of course he'll deny it, feller citizens – I would, if I was in his place – but I, feller citizens, without fear of man, not caring about an election, step forth, and say to you all, in the full blaze of day, that I'll do all for the cause that lies in my power, having in view the interests of everybody in this republic." (Applause.)

Higgins said that "he was sorry to see such a man as Wiggins trying to quote scripter to this audience – a man, feller citizens, is Wiggins – who don't know whether David was the son of Goliah, or Goliah the son of David – a man who don't know whether Paul wrote the book of Genesis, or Genesis the book of Paul – a swearin' man, feller citizens; and yet he talks about Goliah throwing stones at David. (Wiggins wished to correct Higgins – it was the other way – David threw the stone at Goliah.) Howsomever," continued Higgins, "he talks about the stones bein' thrown, and uses the scripters in this way; and arn't it a vile way, feller citizens, to catch your votes – to run himself into the legislater with, where he can knock over the liberties of the country, and make the green fields a howlin' waste again!" (This was followed by very great applause.)

After the applause ceased, Ike Turtle rose with gravity, and reaching forth a bottle towards Higgins, inquired if "he wouldn't have a little, as natur couldn't bear up long under such rackin' thoughts."

Higgins said he didn't believe this free and highly moral and religus audience would long stand a party who'd throw a jug of licker inter their faces.

Turtle replied that it was a mere experiment. He bro't it on purpos to see if there was any place where Wiggins wouldn't drink. (This raised a shout.)

Wiggins retorted by saying that "he never had made a walking grocery of himself." (Much laughter.)

Turtle "didn't know about that – if he did he carried it inside." The whole meeting finally got into a commotion, each party taking sides. Squire Longbow set up a hue and cry, "In the name of the people of – ," and order was restored. I heard him say, after the crowd had become quiet, "that the constitution guaranteed talking, and altho' he was on t'other side in politics, he must say, as a magistrate, that it guaranteed Higgins the floor, as the great Story decided in his chapter on rows and mobs."

Higgins bowed to Squire Longbow, and proceeded. "I'm not goin' to say much more, and, finally, feller citizens," he continued, "I won't say any more. The audience is so intelligent, understand so well all the principles of gov'ment, from Noah's family that sailed inter the ark, down to the remotest possibility of futer gen'rations – have so weigh'd everything 'longing to 'em, before the morning stars sang, and dirgested it by piece-meal – that it would be an everlasting insult for me to attempt to talk furder – and in conclusion I will say: Three cheers for the dying heroes who got our freedom, and who now lie a-sleeping on the shores of glory!" (Tremendous applause, accompanied by cheers and swinging of hats.)

I have given, I believe, the substance of the first two speeches, but these were only introductory to those that followed. It was expected, when the meeting opened, that the speaking would occupy most of the day, and the specimens which I have reported were merely straws thrown out to determine which way the wind blew. The real questions at issue were dexterously dodged by sallies of wit and flights of unmeaning bombast.

Wiggins mounted the stand again, and spoke for an hour. He told a large number of humorous stories, and turned their point against Higgins – then he sailed away into the clouds astride a burst of nonsense – then he came down again. At one time, while Wiggins was "cavorting in the upper regions," as Turtle called it, Sile Bates, who was a whig, started to his feet, and placing his closed hand to one eye, and cocking the other, he stared away after him, as earnestly as if he were just passing out of sight. Higgins followed, and the speaking was kept up, alternately, until about four o'clock in the afternoon, when the meeting closed, without either Higgins or Wiggins defining their position, or saying one word indicative of their future political course.

Just as the meeting closed, Ike Turtle, who was the real political manager on the part of the democratic party, rushed up to the speakers' stand, and swinging his hat round, cried out at the top of his lungs, "Feller citizens! The democratic party, knowin' that the speaking would last a good while, and that natur might become exhausted in listenin' and 'tendin' to the duties of our common country, have prepared a roasted ox, down at 'Gillett's Corners' with all the fixins, where we want you all to go, whigs and democrats, both Higgins and Wiggins, and particularly the ladies, who have turned out so nobly – and the young folks can have a dance in the evenin' if they wish."

Here was a stroke of management worth all the speeches of the day. No one suspected that there was a dinner in preparation, and when Ike made the announcement, there was a shout that came from the heart, and made the woods ring. And the meeting adjourned to "Gillett's Corners."

Several other public political gatherings were held, and a very large amount of breath, time, and eloquence were expended; but the result was the election of Wiggins by a tremendous majority, and I do not now recollect of hearing of an allusion, by him, in the legislature, to any of those "leading measures" that occupied his thoughts on the "stump."

I believe, after all, that the country was very well represented. Wiggins used about as much gas and deception in securing his seat as a New York politician, but not any more; but after he had obtained it, he felt and acted like a representative of the people, who had a reputation of his own to sustain. When I say "well represented," I mean that he did no harm– nor any good either – but always voted right on party questions, because his name began with W, and was nearly the last called – if it had begun with A, he would have ruined himself, and perhaps his country – so true it is that a man's fame or infamy may hang by a single thread.