The Power of Time

V

Leaving the canteen, Sveta saw her husband who was pale and lost a lot of weight. He was dressed like her in all white and had a facial expression of the person who lost something in life. Hugging him, she thought: «I probably look like he does; I have not seen myself in the mirror for a week».

– Darling! How are you feeling?

Not giving her a time to answer, Vadim asked another question:

– Do you blame me for what happened?

– No, don’t think so! How can it be your fault? That all happened because of me: I could not start a conversation with you for so long and finally chose a wrong moment… Forgive me love! I really did not meant for it to be like that…

– I know, there is no need to apologize. Don’t worry about Nikita, I called him up and told to close the apartment and move to grandmother. He should stay there for another week and he likes it there.

– Vadim, how is your health?

– I am okay, I got away with a couple of bruisers and concussion. And you?

– My spleen was ruptured and also some bruisers and contusions.

– So we are doing very well, it could be a lot worse.

– No, we are not doing well at all!

– What do you mean by that?

Vadim realized that his wife has been hiding something.

– I went through examination and I was told that weather I would be able to get pregnant or not depends only on me. From the physiological point of view, I am healthy, from psychological one – I am not.

Sveta started to cry. Vadim gave her a hug:

– How can that be?

– When the car accident took place I was on the top of emotional distress about getting pregnant; and the car crash caused the tension to grow. To become pregnant now I need to go through the situation that would have the same psychological effect, may be even a stronger one, for the mental trauma to lessen…

Svetlana burst into tears.

– Calm down, everything will be fine, please don’t worry!

– How things can become fine? Vadim! All that has been lasting for ten years! Do you realize that? Ten years!! It is not one day, not one month, but a huge amount of time! You understand that totally.

Sveta watched her husband’s face turning into the stone and her body start shaking. With her arms shaking she lighten up the cigarette and after exhaling smoke, continued:

– There is no need to calm me down, we need to come up to the plan!

– Sveta, I am very sorry, but how do you imagine all that? You know very well that the situation was very extreme. We are very lucky to survive and you want to create a similar situation! What are you thinking about? I don’t think we should risk our lives. For what, Sveta! As a plan we can adopt a child. I don’t want to loose you. You have no idea how much I blame myself for this accident!

She smoked silently. Yes, Vadim said all the right things but she told herself not to loose hope. It is definitely necessary to try the only question is how to do it. So far she saw one way out: overlook her life values and change for better. May be this strategy will help and the problem will solve by itself. Svetlana realized that it is not very realistic, but firmly decided to start a new life.

– Sveta, please says something.

– I’ll be trying, – said Svetlana. After thinking for some time, she continued:

– By all means necessary. Will you help me dear?

– You know, there could be only one answer to that question – yes.

After that, he kissed her for the first time during this week and started to cry again.

– Ok, don’t cry! Let’s go to our wards! The sleeping hour is until five.

– I’ll see you in the evening dear; – Svetlana kissed her husband and went to get sleep.

Tears kept crying from her beautiful eyes and head started to ache. Nurse was waiting for her in the ward with the syringe. Svetlana didn’t wait for the shot and not noticing anything around; she understood that she was falling asleep…

In the dream everything was twinkling in front of her eyes, as if the book was skimmed. Suddenly, she saw herself at the class. She stood up from her chair abruptly and threw the pen on in the opened school journal. Her face turned very red. She closed it with hands, hopelessly trying to swallow lump in the throat and with loud sobbing seeing nothing in front of her, she ran away from the class. Everything happened in one moment and astonished students were still sitting frozen, even when her footsteps were not heard.

Sveta had no time to become surprised by what had happened when she saw herself at the reception smoking a cigarette, having an intriguing conversation with the secretary. All of her classes for the day were cancelled. Suddenly the scenery disappeared and Svetlana saw herself absolutely happy. That shocked her. For a few minutes she remained in this condition and then, waking up, heard a baby crying…

She did not even notice how she ate her dinner at the canteen. She was consumed by her dream. She even had a thought to leave work, but decided to stay till her class graduates. «This will be my last class. Only one and a half years! May be this dream will come true, – she thought, understanding absurdity of the idea. -

Everything happens for a reason. And if it doesn’t, that means that I won’t have more children and I would have to live with it». Leaving the canteen, she met with her husband and told him about a dream and her decision.

– Dear, just don’t torture yourself. Do what you think is necessary if that can help you. The only thing I ask for is you take care of yourself. All right? No more unnecessary thinking let the time put everything in the right place.

– What do you mean dear?!

– That it is essential to wait and do what we have to do.

– Yes, and my students are waiting for me, so many classes were cancelled. Can you imagine how much work I would have?! Sounds good.

VI

Maxim left the bed only one time during the day. He was laying in the half-sleeping condition and reading a book. Even when he was only moving eyes through the text, he could still understand the meaning. Music that plaid behind the closed door did not bother him. Parents and their guests celebrated New Year ahead of time, had dinner, laughed and had a good time. Max, however, wanted to be by himself at that time. He did not want anything, especially to be annoyed with various questions and long conversations. The door to his room opened anyway and he heard his mother’s voice:

– Go check, maybe he is not sleeping.

Sister entered the room and asked:

– Do you want to eat? You haven’t eaten for the whole day.

– I am not hungry, Irinka.

– I haven’t heard it, let me bring salad and dumplings, I want you to have them!

Ira left the room not wanting to hear any protests. «She is like mom», – thought Max. He only had time to put the book down, when the door was opened again and his friend Roma’s mother Margarita Leonidovna entered the room. Without saying a word, she sat near Maxim and waited for him to open eyes.

– Will Roma comes over today? It is getting late and he is still not here, – Maxim said.

– Oh, I thought you are asleep. Of course he will… As soon as he is free he will come over.

Margarita Leonidovna caressed Maxim’s head, and he caught himself thinking that he liked that: «Probably I should open eyes otherwise it is awkward…» When he opened his eyes, he saw a beautiful chubby woman in front of him with an interesting sight, strict face expression, blond curly hair. A lot of make up made her look extravagant. Transparent white blouse revealed her pompous bust. Max looked at Margarita Leonidovna and could not take eyes off her, feeling that she enjoys his attention. He was very surprised of the outcome of the evening and didn’t know where else to look at when his sister came in, bringing a chair with the dinner.

– Ok, it is time to eat! I have started tea. Margarita Leonidovna, keep and eye on him please!

– Don’t you worry, – Margarita waited for Itinka to leave and for Max to sit down and get a spoon and then pronounced:

– Maxim, we need to have a serious talk!

«Interesting, what does she want to talk about»? – He thought, but decided to say nothing, just to eat and listen.

– Roma wants to drop out of high school, he says that he is sick and tired of it and wants to transfer to college.

– So what is the problem?

– What is the problem? He only has a year and a half before he finishes high-school, and then he can go to university. What does he need this college for?

– Margarita Leonidovna, I told you last year: Don’t make him start the tenth grade. What for? If he wants to study at college, he should do that. At college he can still take high-school classes, and pass tenth and eleventh grade in one year, and then begin to acquire a desired specialization of chemical technologist. Within two years he can have a diploma in his hands! And transfer to university for the third year! What else to dream about?

Max felt dizziness again, sighted and returned to the cooled off dumplings.

– I don’t understand why he doesn’t like high-school so much? Why doesn’t he want to get education?

– He does not want to waste time: right now he could be finishing a tenth grade, and by summer – eleventh grade, right? If he drops out of school now, he would waste a whole year. Next year you will be more then happy to see him study in college, and he will go there – but will drop out of it as well: for another year he would have to go through the same easy and annoying school program that he is sick of. Do you see the result of your actions now? – chewing the last dumpling, Maxim replied. – And now you ask me if I can help you. How? Yes, I can talk to him but it is not going to change the situation? We can’t turn back the time, you can’t make him go to school and exactly in a year he will drop out of college. And then you will remember the conversation we are having now. Am I right?

– So what should we do Maximochka? I have no idea how to talk to him and what to talk about. He does not want to listen to me at all, can you understand that?

– I know, but you should have thought about that before. What can we change now? We can’t change him. Whatever he decides, this is what he will do.

Margarita Leonidovna burst in tears, waited for the tear to run down the cheek, and only then wiped it off, trying not to smudge mascara off. She was quite (what else could she do?) and did not even noticed Max’s sister coming in, brining the cake and taking away salad and dumplings plates.

– Maxim, please, try to think of other ideas!

– There is no need to cry: since I promised you, I would try again. But you have to remember that Roma will take his own decision. I know him well and already informed you of how I see the situation develop. Our conversation won’t change things much.

Doors of the room opened and leaded by his mom a crowd of guests came in. Taking Margarita Leonidovna by hand, she said:

– Rita, let’s go dancing; we have been waiting for you for ages… What is wrong? – She saw Margarita’s tears. – Maxim! What did you do again?

– I didn’t have enough time – you interrupted me, – Max said bitterly and turned away from the leisured crowd (he could not find another word for them). He became infuriated by the dialog, closed his eyes and waited for everyone to leave.

– I’ll be back in a second! I need to finish a talk with Maxim! Can you please leave the room!

However, no one left. Then Margarita Leonidovna left the room herself and everyone, except Max’s mom, followed her.

– Hey, it is ok son! Did you get dinner?

– Yes, mom, everything is fine, don’t worry. I feel good.

– Get some sleep, you are very weak…

Falling asleep, Max felt that someone sat on the bed and hugged him. He figured that it was Margarita Leonidovna again and wanted to say something, but energies were gone…

Maxim saw another dream about his favorite teacher. However, this dream was strange: he could not see her face but was able to feel and understand that something is worrying her. He saw the teacher on the passenger sit of a car and at the steering wheel – a person who looked extremely familiar, but could not recognize him. Maxim felt how something very crucial was taking place. The car is speeding, situation is getting dangerous… Tossing and turning, he was exhausted from his debility. He made an effort to perceive the essence of the problem again, but failed. «Probably, it is too early», – he thought and at the very next moment he could clearly see how cars crashed. All covered with sweat, forgetting about broken foot, Max sat on the bed abruptly causing himself severe pain. For a couple of minutes, he kept on sitting on the bed, relaxing a foot and waiting for the pain to calm down.

– Hey! Did you get rest? – Maxim heard Roman’s voice but instead of turning to him he just asked:

– Do you have an idea why I keep seeing an empty baby crib near the house porch?

– I have absolutely no idea how to explain that!

«More then likely those dreams are connected, the key is to understand them completely», – Maxim thought.

– Roma, have you been to school yesterday?

– Yes, Svetlana Victorovna took a sick leave.

– Recently? – Maxim felt tingling in his body.

– She hasn’t been at school for two weeks so far and all of her classes are cancelled.

Roman kept on talking but Maxim thought of Svetlana Victorovna. He has loved her for many years, but that love has not given her any benefits. Hmm, what kind of benefits can it offer to the married woman? How is the baby crib connected with it? Could it be the answer? Maxim had a feeling that love is growing stronger and stronger and realized that only Svetlana Victorovna has the ability to love like that. He tried to imagine where she was at the moment and what she was thinking about. Should he be thinking about it now?

Do you listen to me? I have a feeling that I am talking to myself and you belong to your world.

Max didn’t hear his friend again. He apprehended that at that specific moment, weak and sick, not ready for anything, he had to accept that overwhelming responsibility. Max suddenly acknowledged that he ought to help his beloved woman to have a child. He was experiencing extreme headache and heart burn and felt so bad, that every part of his body was in pain and the scenery in front of eyes drifted. To lessen his suffering at least a little, he closed his eyes but could still see the car accident. Seeing the intensity of Svetlana’s mysery, Max understood the reason which led to car crash. At the moment of the crash Svetlana realized her powerlessness, and it took advance of her openness and weakness, causing her a massive psychological trauma… With the rest of the energies left he thought: «What can I do? I am only a little boy to her»! – he fell on the pillow, not being able to sit any more. He felt better when Roma took his hand. Maxim asked him:

– How are your studies going?

– You know the answer already, Max. Why are you asking?

– Don’t worry, not because I have nothing else to do. You know everything yourself.

– See, they don’t want me to leave school.

– So stop fighting with them. Just go and study. They will understand with time. No need to procrastinate.

– But how? I don’t even know what they want: to finish eleventh grade or go to college. They impede me to take a decision, confusing me which path to take. I start doubting the rightness of the taken decision and don’t know weather it is mine or theirs. We can’t stop the time, Max, everything happens by itself – and not for good. Everyone understands it and get scared. Uncertainty is taking control over me, and I am being made to do things that don’t depend on me. Maxim, do something! I know you can!

– Roman, what can I do? I can predict that you will drop out of school and will start college; but you will drop it as well and won’t even have a hight school diploma! Do you understand me?! What do you want me to do and with whom? With you or with your parents? Explain me please; what do you want me to do? Turn the time around? You know that I have had many conversations with your mom but they led to nowhere. She asked me to talk to you about staying in school. I told her exactly the same things as I told you. But she hasn’t gathered herself together, and you can’t get strengths back for the concrete actions.

– So what do you want to advise me, my friend?

– Either do a good job at school or then to college or finish the tenth grade and then go to college. Figure out a relationship with parents yourself, you are an adult so stop being a baby. What do you think?

– I have already tried that but it did not seem to work.

– Then just stay in school! What else is there to discuss?! You see everything yourself. What are you thinking about?! Don’t make me get cynical.

– I just can’t study at school anymore, I can’t even go there, why is that so hard to understand!

– Romka, with this attitude you will drop out of college as well! You want to know why? For the whole year they have the high school program but you don’t want to study it! The problem is in you, and only you can organize yourself and improve the situation. Neither me, nor your parents can help you. We will only bother you and make you feel confused. I don’t want to do it; can you understand? I am talking to you now, and everything you think of is where to go tomorrow to skip classes!

– How do you know what is on my mind?

– I just know, Roma.

Max felt strong weakness which did not let him finish his speech and thought: «There is no need to explain Roman how I know things. Absolutely not necessary».

– I want to go to sleep, I am so tired. Wake me up at six pm, ok?

Maxim hasn’t heard Roman’s reply; energies left him and he drowned in sleep. He saw a dream about some girl who was walking fast to the house porch where he was standing. With the abrupt movement she unzipped his jacket. Not having time to understand what was happening, Max saw her pushing a bouquet of peonies, presented by him, into his bosom. Then she left without saying a single word after closing a jacket zipper…

VII

Svetlana Vladimirovna became very thirsty, when she heard on the phone that Shtuforuk Maxim – her precious love – is staying at home with the foot broken and can’t even go to school. Teachers attend him for home education according to the schedule made by the principle, and she is included in that schedule. She suffered from the thought that she could not visit him because she herself recently got discharged from the hospital and would have to stay home in bed for a while. However, he has no clue what she went through and will run into conclusion that she simply does not want to visit him.

– How long is he absent?

– Over two weeks, – school secretary Nina Ivanovna replied.

– How many times per week am I supposed to visit him?

– Just twice.

When she heard it, Svetlana became upset: there was a chance to see him twice but she won’t be able to make it…

– Svetlana Victorovna, please don’t worry. He is a smart boy and would be able to catch up by himself. What do you think? You can call him up and give him homework to check later. There is no reason to stress.

– Of course, I shall do as you advise, thank you. Good-bye. I shall call you again.

Sveta tried to hang up the phone a couple of times, but ended up leaving it on the table. She went to the kitchen, but instead of having water started a tea pot. Against doctor’s advice, she lighted up a cigarette. Nervously letting the steam out, she remembered the night before the car accident – every single moment of it, opening eyes sometimes only to flip the cigarette ash. She received pleasure from experiencing a feeling which was torturing her for so long that night. Svetlana perceived, not seemed but exactly perceived that she looks at situation and experiencing it totally differently. She enjoys it now. Lighting another cigarette, she clearly noticed a border in her changed feelings. She used to be under the influence of her emotions and could not control them, getting confused in words and actions. At this moment, however, she could easily be in charge and apparently understand every step she was taking. Only one obscurity confused her: what was the reason for all that negative experience? Sveta felt that the answer is somewhere very close, but she would not be able to find it by herself. She did not want to leave with this idea but at the same time believed that it happened for good and it would become clearer soon: «There was a reason why I had a dream about school». Svetlana felt awkward and unusual when she thought about school. She jerked her hand, burnt by the cigarette, dropped the ashtray on the floor and remembered Maxim. «Very surprising»! – She thought, collecting ashes from the floor. Sveta recalled their first class: good-looking boy, hearing his name, said «This is me» and stood up, and when she looked at him she totally forgot that she is giving a class… The teacher saw something pure and innocent, something that touched her soul – not just touched but remained there. She could not take eyes of him; she was searching exactly for someone like him, dreaming of him…

Sveta saw something light and unperturbed in his soul: strength and independence – the same qualities that she possessed. She said to herself: «It is strange that a little boy has such an influence on me. How can it be»? But she could never find an answer to that. Every time Svetlana tremulously waited for him to attend a class, always looked at him only and became captivated by his sight. She saw very strong feelings and could not do much with hers; everything that was left for her is to enjoy his presence and grant him what she felt deeply. She knew that Maxim understands her completely and it seemed as thought he knew her very well. Despite her age, she treated him like a close and loved person, not being able to control herself. She loved him like a man of her dreams. May be it took place because it seemed to her that his sincere love represented a love of a man to a woman. Every time, when Sveta saw Max, her soul was crying for their age difference and that she couldn’t turn the time back. Love could not bring them closer any longer. She felt disappointed but told herself calmly: «I need to call him today and give homework. Oh, and also to find out when he will be back to school». Sveta became excited and thought that Maxim could read her mind. She caught herself thinking that she enjoys this idea! She enjoys understanding from Maxim’s side, a feeling that he is always near her. Of course, she wished him to be near in reality and that unrealistic dreams did not let her relax. She suffered from the lack of opportunity to enjoy the feeling totally. Time was letting know about the grand difference between them when they were together. Svetlana tried to take a control many times and not let her feelings grow, or vice versa let them overwhelm her. However, none of the strategies worked. Unusual thoughts visited her head: «Could that be a purpose of my life? To understand this feeling, just like it is! Then why is he so much younger? Is that possible to perceive the power of love when you see another person each day»? She always answered negatively to the last question.

Svetlana looked at the phone for a long time before she picked it up. She was thinking of what to tell Maxim, but not being able to make up anything, she dialed the number.

– Hello!

«It is his mom probably», – thought the teacher.

– Hello, this is Svetlana Victorovna. Can I talk to Maxim?

– Yes of course, please hold on, it will be a white till he gets to the phone…

– Oh, ok, I’ll wait!

She was getting anxious, but tried to get herself together.

– Hello I am listening; – confidence in Max voice helped her.

Sveta remained quiet, confused in thoughts and feelings.

– Maxim! This is Svetlana Victorovna calling. How are you feeling? – «Dear», – Max finished her phrase and replied:

– At this point I feel ok but I have to wear gypsum for a while. Then I’ll need to learn how to walk again, because foot muscles would become weak after two months. This is how I am doing. How are you doing? I feel nervousness in your voice.

– I am better, but still recovering. Do teachers give you classes at home?

– Yes. In algebra and chemistry. I was also told that you would be coming over too.

It was very difficult for her to reply but since she had no choice, she tried not to worry and replied:

– Maxim, I am very sorry but I won’t be able to visit you. I wish I could, but I haven’t felt great myself and missed over three weeks at work. Really, I want to give you home classes but I can’t. My apologies.

– I am sorry about that. I wanted to see you! When will we see each other?

– I can give you homework for now and check it when you back to school.

– Ok, I understand. I will keep doing exercises from the book then and do some literature reading. Classmates visit me so they will inform me of the program and help if that would be needed.

– Ok, Maxim, get well! Take care.

– I’ll miss you, – Max added and hang up, not being able to play with feelings of his beloved one.

Svetlana heard the phone tones for a while till they became irritating. She felt anxiety again and got angry at herself for not saying anything warm to Maxim, even thought she had a lot to say. Svetlana tried to get herself together again and remembered that after the surgery she needs to stay in bed. What is the point to torture yourself when you are so weak? Lying at the couch, she had another cigarette, turned on the quite music and tried to breathe evenly. She felt how her heartbeat and breath are getting normal. Svetlana put away unfinished cigarette, watching it producing smoke, and then felt the weakness in the body and later freedom from it.