A message sound is heard, followed by several more. Philemon looks at the photo.
Philemon. Christmas trees! Wow, I fit in. Yes, it looks like he was going to ram specifically.
A voice message. Well how? Spectacular? By the way, Drishch sends his regards to you, he got into the frame, he's trying to open his door for some reason. It can and will open, but it is unlikely to close later. But to argue with him… The Bald man and the Goblin are now butting heads with the Porsche driver. They are rolling on the asphalt in search of the lost brotherhood. Maybe they will find it, or maybe the traffic police crew will help in the search. There they are already on their way. That's it, I went to sort out the situation. Well, you got it, right? Don't wait for us.
Philemon. They all seem to be intact, that's the main thing. And the pieces of iron – they are also pieces of iron in Africa. It's a pity, of course, but what can you do. Anything happens. Ay… Let's get the results! So the ex and the kids are flying away.
He removes three plates from the table.
Philemon. A brother with Dasha and two daughters, minus four more.
He removes four more plates from the table.
Philemon. Tolya and her family are still minus two people.
He removes two plates from the table.
Philemon. The "quartet", of course, will argue about guilt until the night, explanatory, analysis, protocols… Minus four plates.
Removes four plates.
Philemon. Seryozhka will show up with his new lady of the heart only in the evening, and… ah, well, the twins with their wives. They should be there. People are responsible. Thank God, at least someone will come to congratulate me.
A message sound is heard. Philemon clicks "listen".
Voice message (water noise, hum, fuss is heard). Filimon Ekimych, hello. This is Olya. You've probably already lost us. I'm sorry, we didn't think to tell you right away. We have a force majeure situation here. The water broke. We're all running around with rags, trying to prevent a flood. After all, the house is for two owners, the same ones were built so that they would be next to each other all their lives, there was only one water supply. Now we're all in a bunch. Lena sends her regards, and our men are trying to patch something in the underground. I don't know what they can do there now, I think they will have to call the services. We're all dirty, wet. We don't know what to do. We can't come. When the men are free, they will call you. Such things.
Philemon. Well, that, you know… It just doesn't fit in any gate anymore! I understand everything, there are coincidences in life, a series of failures, accidents… But to do it all at once! One day the world came together like a wedge, and even on me! What for? So that no one can come here? What are the tricks of Fate? For what? Why?
Yes, the twin brothers, indeed, have dreamed of building a house for two families since childhood. There is a partition, but, in fact, there is only one house, and, of course, if they have problems around the house, then these are common problems. The plumbing is old, it should have been changed a long time ago. It blew up after all… No luck. But they were lucky with their wives. Both Olya and Lena are very good women. This is the main thing, and everything else is the little things of life.
Philemon removes four more plates from the table.
Philemon. It remains to wait for the Parasite Earring with its Stutter. The three of us will get the whole table. But that's when. And now…
He pours himself a shot glass. He raises it.
Philemon. Be healthy, Filimon Ekimych! Happy anniversary!
He drinks. He sits down at the table, gets ready to eat.
The doorbell rings!
Scene 2
Ivy enters, looking very defiant.
Ivy. Hello, kitty.
Philemon. And… I… this… Hi. You must be a Bunny
, Ivy. I can be a bunny, I can be a kitty, I can do a lot of things. Will I come through, or will we just stand in the doorway?
Philemon. Yes, yes, please. Come on in… those.
Ivy. Kitty, let's not do this important thing, high and pretentious. Let's get right to the "you". OK?
Philemon. Ok.
Ivy. It's wonderful. I see you've been waiting for me. The table was set up by that one. I haven't had this before. It was, but not on this scale. Modest mostly. A bottle of wine, two glasses, sweets. And you're just being stupid!
Philemon. So, of course, I waited. How not to wait? A birthday after all.
Ivy. A birthday? Congratulations. How many stars did you get?
Philemon. Fifty.
Ivy. Seriously? Half a dozen? So it's an anniversary!
Philemon. Well, yes. I'm kind of… I'm aware of it.
Ivy. So I'm going to be your anniversary. Ha. Cool.
Philemon. Ahem.
Ivy. Well, what are you doing up there? I covered the clearing – come on, pour it, if that's the case.
Philemon. Yeah, I get it.
Philemon comes up to the table after the girl, gallantly pulls out a chair for her, sits her down, looks after her. It pours.
Ivy. Oh, my. The cavalier is right where to go. Nicesse…
Philemon. Is something wrong?
Ivy. All in a bunch. Let's have a toast!
Philemon. I think it would be appropriate for an introduction.
Ivy. Exactly. Let's get to know each other.
Ivy immediately clinks glasses and drinks. Philemon slows down.
Philemon. So maybe we'll get to know each other after all?
Ivy. Come on. What's your name?
Philemon. I'm Philemon.
Ivy starts laughing uncontrollably with a hint of mockery.
Ivy. Philemon? Seriously? Where did you find that name? No one has called anyone that for five hundred years. Tell me you're kidding. You're kidding, aren't you? No, ponAture, what's your name?
Philemon. Philemon, really.
Ivy continues to laugh mockingly.
Philemon. What's so funny?
Ivy. This is ridiculous, how funny. Philemon. But what if it's a diminutive? Phil? Monya? Fimonia? Mofil? Phil? Mof? A flask? Monyafil?
Ivy is covered with a new wave of laughter.
Philemon. I admit, I'm a little surprised by your reaction to my name. This is the first one. And secondly, I'm no less surprised that you didn't know my name. Didn't Sergei tell you? However, he didn't tell me your name either, he only told me about his Bunny.
Ivy. Sergey? Which Sergei? Oh, Sergei from the pool, which one? Well, I get it. So you found out about me from him.
Philemon. So who is it from? I don't know about the pool, but of course I learned about you from Sergei. You're weird.
Ivy. Am I weird? Which one of us is called Philemon? And I'm also weird.
Philemon. It's just Sergei…
Ivy. Brrr! I don't want to talk about him. Cut it out. My subscription was taken away because of this parasite.
Philemon. Oh, how! He didn't say anything like that. And why are they so mad at you?
Ivy quickly pours herself a drink, sips some of it.
Ivy. I was relieving myself in the pool.
Philemon. U… yes, it's not very good, but by and large, that's what everyone does.
Ivy. So I also told them that everyone does it!
Philemon. And what about them?
Ivy. And they said that I was alone from the tower.
Philemon. P… ahem. Yeah. An unexpected twist. Why did you climb the tower?
Ivy. So the Gray One wanted to take me on weakly! So I climbed up.
Philemon. Now everything is clear. Yes, you live a boring life.
Ivy. Are you going to drink, Filly?
Ivy is still sneering.
Philemon. Does my whole name bother you? If you don't like it, you can call it whatever you like. I have never encountered such a reaction in fifty years, but since my name is so across logic and your personal common sense, you can call it something else. And I will drink, but the toast was made for acquaintance, and I still don't know your name.
Ivy. Drink up, drink up. I'll think about what to call you.
Philemon starts drinking.
Ivy. I'm Ivy, by the way.
Philemon blows out what he has managed to get into his mouth. And it blows on Ivy.
Ivy. Oh, your aunt! What the hell?
Philemon. Sorry. How? What did you say your name was?
Ivy. I'm Ivy. What's wrong?
Philemon. Ivy?
Ivy. Well.
Philemon. So Ivy is a normal name, and Philemon is something out of the ordinary?
Ivy. Ivy is fine. It comes to me.
Philemon. Where does he go? What's coming in?
Ivy. Well, I like it, then! Oh, you're a valenok from a previous era, of course.
Philemon. Well, thank you.
Ivy. Okay, no offense. Well, I'm sorry, it's just really hard to communicate with you. You're all like that… I don't know. Men usually behave quite differently with me. And you're something else. He sprayed me again.
Philemon. Sorry, it was an accident.
Ivy. No, I'm so used to it, on duty.
Philemon. On duty?
Ivy. I'm telling you. It's difficult with you. Lan, forget it.
Philemon. Forget it?
Ivy. A-a-a-a… Forget it, in short!
Philemon. Okay, good. Listen, let's have a drink like a human being and eat already. I don't know about you, but I've been hungry for a long time.
Ivy. Let's sharpen it, I'm for it!
Philemon looks at Ivy with a bit of incomprehension.
Ivy. Let's sharpen – it means we'll eat.
Philemon. And let's have a drink, is that your way?
Ivy. Yes, it is. Let's have a drink. We'll bite. Let's roll. Well, there are also indecent variations.
Philemon. Variations? Wow, you! Whatever word you know. I was surprised!
Ivy. Listen, let's not you… Not you… Don't show off. Pour the best one!
Philemon pours again.
Philemon. Have you figured out what you're going to call me?
Ivy. When would I have thought of it? It's one thing, then another. Oh! You're making a smartass out of yourself here. I'll call you Smartass. Is it okay?
Philemon. For God's sake.
Ivy. Then thanks for the introduction, Smartass!
Philemon. Thanks for meeting me, Ivy!
They clink glasses, both giggle at each other, drink. They begin to eat.
Philemon. How's student life going?
Ivy. How do you know I'm a student?
Philemon. How from where? Sergei said.
Ivy. Strange. I don't remember telling him about it. I generally keep my personal life under lock and key, I try not to talk about it. Maybe, if I've just had too much once, I blurted it out.
Philemon. I do not know that. And where is he?
Ivy. Who!
Philemon. Well, Sergey.
Ivy. And how do I know. What do I care about him?
Philemon. Did you have a fight or something?
Ivy. What do you mean?
Philemon. I thought you were a couple with him.
Ivy. Us? With Gray? What are you, Filly! Or Rather, A Smart Guy. What kind of couple are we? I have these Earrings. Actually, to be honest, I don't even understand what kind of Sergei you're talking about right now, it's not about the one from the pool. And what's the difference?
Philemon. Wow…
Ivy. And you too, the fruit is still the same. So, he thought that I was the girlfriend of some kind of Sergei, but nevertheless he invited me to his place!
Philemon. Yes, as it were… I can't say that I personally invited you. I was just put in front of the fact that you would be, and that's it.
Ivy. I didn't understand. Should I leave?
Philemon. No, absolutely not. Please stay, I'm sorry I said that. I'm glad you're here. At least someone came.
Ivy. At least someone?
Philemon. I've called a lot of people. I've prepared everything. I ordered and bought. I eat modestly in my life, I don't make such tables for myself. Sandwich, porridge. Soup sometimes, potatoes…
Ivy. Stop– stop! Hold on. It's your birthday today. There were supposed to be guests, but only I came, despite the fact that you didn't invite me personally. So?
Philemon. Well… In general, yes.
Ivy. So someone decided to give you such a gift. He invited me.
Philemon. Sergei, I suppose.
Ivy. What are you talking about? Sergey – Sergey. Forget about him at all. Come on, don't say another word about this Sergei of yours.
Philemon. Whatever you say.
Ivy. That's better.
Philemon. Then let's just say that Fate gave me an evening with you today.