Bound By A Baby

Nine

An hour later, he was home early again and didn’t even stop to admit that since Tula had come into his life, he’d found less and less reason for hanging around the company. Instead, he seemed to be drawn to this old house and the woman inside it.

Simon found Tula in the backyard, watching Nathan squirm on a blanket beneath the winter sun. She turned to look at him and he could actually see her freeze up. A part of him regretted being the cause of that. He was too accustomed to her easy smile and ready laugh. Seeing her so wary, so cold, gave him a pause that none of Mick’s not so subtle warnings had managed to do.

But he reminded himself that she was a Hawthorne and had never bothered to mention it. How much did he owe her anyway? Besides, he had a plan now and once Simon picked a direction, he didn’t deviate. That would indicate that he doubted himself and he never did that.

Stuffing his hands into the pockets of his slacks, he walked down the flagstone steps that led to the landscaped yard. Each step was slow, deliberately careless, letting her know that though she might be angry, he was just fine.

Liar.

His brain shouted out that single word and he recognized the truth in it. But damned if he’d let her know.

“Isn’t it a little cold out here for him?” Simon asked, nodding at the boy who was wearing a shoulder-to-toes zip-up blanket sleeper.

“Fresh air’s good for him,” she said stiffly. She countered, “You’re home early.”

He grinned, pleased that she’d noticed. “I am. I wanted to talk to you.”

“Oh, can’t wait,” she said, sarcasm coloring her tone. “Our last conversation went so well.”

Good, he told himself. She was still bothered. He liked knowing that what they’d shared had hit her as hard as it had him. And more, he wanted to share it all again. A lot.

He took a seat beside her on the blanket and hid a smile when she scooted away a bit. As if she didn’t trust herself too near him. He knew just how she felt.

At the moment, all he really wanted to do was grab her and hold her and—

“What can you possibly have left to say that you didn’t say last night?”

“Plenty,” he admitted, drawing one knee up and resting his forearm on it.

“Let me guess,” she said, her blue eyes snapping with banked fury. “You’ve found a way to blame me for global warming? Or am I a spy of some kind, sent to ferret out all of your secrets and feed them to your enemies?”

He just stared at her. Was that last statement for show or was she actually trying to tell him why she was really there? “Is that a confession?”

“Oh, for heaven’s sake, Simon,” she snapped in a whispered hiss. “You know darn well it’s not. I’m just trying to guess how you’ll insult me next.”

He wondered, but let it go for now. “As a matter of fact, I don’t want to talk about you at all,” he said. “Now that we’re committed to getting me ready to take over custody of Nathan, we have to find a competent nanny.”

“A nanny?” she asked in the same tone she might have used to ask, You want to hire an axe murderer?

He nodded, pleased with her reaction. Even if he was confused about her motivation for being there, with him, he knew for a fact that she loved Nathan.

“I’ll still have to work, so when you leave, I’ll need someone here with the baby. I think a live-in nanny would be the best way to go, don’t you?”

“I don’t know,” she said, glancing down at the babbling baby. “I hadn’t really thought about someone else caring for him on a day-to-day basis.”

Actually, Simon didn’t much care for the idea of a stranger in his house taking care of his son while he wasn’t there. But he couldn’t see any way around it, either. No matter how his plan ended up working out, Tula wouldn’t be here for him and Nathan to count on.

He really didn’t like the thought of that, but refused to explore the reasons why.

“He can’t go to work with me,” Simon said abruptly, watching her reaction.

“No, I suppose not.”

“Is there a problem?”

Her gaze flicked to his, fired for an instant, then cooled off again until those beautiful blue eyes of hers shone like the surface of a frozen lake. “No. No problem.”

“Good,” he said. “So I’ll call the employment agency and have them send people over. Are you interested in interviewing them or would you prefer I do it?”

She looked torn and he was forced to admit silently that he felt the same way. Funny, this conversation about hiring a nanny didn’t have anything to do with his plan. It had only seemed like a reasonable way for him to open communications with Tula again. Besides, theoretically, a caretaker for Nathan had sounded accept able enough.

In practice though…looking down at his son—innocent, helpless, at the mercy of whoever his father hired to look after him…it felt wrong, somehow. Instantly, half-forgotten news reports flashed through his mind, stories about nannies and babysitters and pre-schools, all of whom were supposedly devoted care-givers. And how the children in their charge had paid the price for their negligence or apathy.

Frowning, Simon told himself this situation would be different. He would have the nanny he hired screened completely. He wouldn’t trust just anyone with his son’s safety.

But the scowl on his face deepened as he realized that the only person he really trusted with Nathan’s well-being was the woman beside him. The very woman who he already knew to be a liar. She hadn’t told him the truth about who she was, so why should he trust her?

But he did. Instinctively, he knew he could trust Tula with his son. But she was also the woman who would be leaving someday soon.

The woman he was planning on using for his own taste of revenge.

Tula thanked the woman for coming and once she’d seen her out, closed the door and leaned back against it. A sigh of defeat slid from her throat.

That was the third prospective nanny she had interviewed in the last two days and she hadn’t liked any of them.

“What was wrong with that one?”

Startled, she looked up at Simon, leaning against the newel post of the banister. His eyes were amused and his mouth was curved at one end as if he were trying to hide a smile that hadn’t quite made it to his features.

“What’re you doing here?” He had the most disconcerting habit of sneaking up on a person. And this new habit of his, splintering the routine he had clung to when she first came to the city, was even more disquieting. He was up to something, she figured. She just didn’t know what. Which just put her that much more on guard.

He tossed his suit jacket over the newel post and loosened his red silk tie. “I live here, as I’ve pointed out before.”

“Yes, but it’s the middle of the afternoon. On a workday. Are you sick?”

He chuckled. “No, I’m not sick. I just left the office early. No big deal. Now, what was wrong with the woman you just sent packing?”

Still wary, she asked, “Didn’t you see the bun she was wearing?”

“Bun?”

She saw the confusion on his face and explained. “Her hair. It was pulled into a taut little knot at the back of her head.”

“So? An unattractive hairstyle makes for a bad nanny?”

It sounded silly when he said it, but Tula was going with her instincts. Nathan was too important to take any chances with his safety and happiness. She would find the right nanny for him or she just wouldn’t leave.

Unless, she thought, that’s exactly what she was subconsciously hoping for. That she could stay. That she could be the one raising Nathan, loving him. A worry for another day, she supposed.

“The woman’s hair was scraped so tightly, her eyelids were tilted back. Anyone that rigid shouldn’t be in charge of a child.”

“Ah,” he said as though he understood, but she knew he didn’t. He was patronizing her.

“So the one yesterday afternoon, with her hair long and loose and curling…?”

She scowled at him. “Too careless. If she doesn’t care what her hair looks like, she won’t care enough about Nathan.”

“And the first one?”

“She had mean eyes,” Tula said with no apologies. She just knew that woman was the kind who made children sit in dark closets or go to bed without dinner. She would never leave Nathan with a cold-eyed woman.

Simon’s eyebrow lifted again. She was getting to the point where she could judge his moods by the tilt of that eyebrow alone. Right now, she told herself with an inner grumble, he was entertained. By her.

Perhaps he had a point. Tula knew what she was doing wasn’t fair to the women who had come looking for a job. Except for the mean-eyed one, they seemed nice enough. Certainly qualified. The agency Simon was dealing with was the top one in the city, known for representing the absolute best in nannies.

But how could she be expected to turn over a little boy she loved to a stranger?

He was still watching her with just the barest hint of amusement on his face. An expression she found way too attractive for her own well-being.

“All right,” she conceded grudgingly, “maybe I’m being a little too careful in the selection process.”

“Maybe?”

She ignored that. Because even if she was being overprotective, it wouldn’t hurt that baby any. It would only help ensure that the best possible person would be in charge of him. And if anything, as the baby’s father, Simon should appreciate that.

“This is important, Simon. No one knows better than I do just how much the people in a child’s life can impact their character. The way they look at the world. The way they think of themselves.”

She caught herself when she realized that she was headed in a verbal direction she had had no intention of going.

“Speaking from experience,” he mused and she knew he was remembering the story she’d told him about the bunny she had once tried to befriend. And about her mother’s less than maternal attitude toward her.

“Is that so surprising?” she countered. “Doesn’t everyone have some sort of issue with their parents? Even the best of them make mistakes, right?”

“True,” he acknowledged, but his gaze never left hers. She felt as if he were trying to see inside her mind. To read her thoughts and display all of her secrets.

As if to prove her right, he spoke again.

“Who had that impact on you, Tula?” he asked, voice quiet. “Was it just your mom?”

“This isn’t about me,” she told him, refusing to be drawn into the very discussion she had unwittingly initiated.

“Isn’t it?” he asked, pushing away from the banister to walk toward her.

“No,” she insisted with a shake of her head. She felt the intensity of his gaze and flinched from it. Tula didn’t need sympathy and wasn’t interested in sharing her childhood miseries with a man who had already made it clear just how he felt about her. “This is about Nathan and what’s best for him.”

He kept coming and was close enough now that she had to hold her breath to keep from inhaling the scent of him. A blend of his aftershave and soap, it was a scent that called to her, made her remember lying beneath him, staring up into his eyes as they flashed with passion. Eyes that were, at the moment, studying her.

“You said it yourself,” he told her, “we’re all affected by who raised us. And whoever raised you will affect who you choose to care for Nathan.”

Instantly, her back went up. He’d somehow touched on the one thing that had given her a lot of misgivings over the years. She had thought about how she was raised and about her parents and had wondered if she should even have a child of her own. But the truth was, Tula’s heart yearned for family. Hungered for the kind of love and warmth she used to dream about. And she had always known she would be a good parent because she knew just what a child wanted. Craved.

So she was completely prepared and ready to argue this point with Simon.

“No, Simon. You’re wrong about that. The initial input a child is given is important, I agree. And when we’re kids and growing up, it pushes us in one direction or another. But at some point, responsible adults make choices. We decide who we are. Who we want to be.”

He frowned as he thought about what she said. “Do we? I wonder. Seems to me that we are always who we started out to be.”

Uncomfortable with being so close to him and unable to touch, she walked into the living room. She wished Nathan were awake right now because then she could claim that she didn’t have time to talk. That she had to take care of the baby. But it was nap time and that baby really enjoyed his naps. Ordinarily, she loved that about him because she could get a lot of her own work done. Today, when she could have used Nathan’s presence, she had to admit there would be no help coming from that quarter.

She kept walking farther into the huge room and didn’t stop until she was standing in front of the bay window. Naturally, Simon followed her, his footsteps sure and slow, sounding out easily against the wood floor.

“So,” he said, “you’re saying your parents had nothing to do with who you are today?”

Tula laughed to herself but kept the sound quiet, so he wouldn’t know just how funny that statement really was. Of course her parents had shaped her. Her mom was a lovely woman who was simply never meant to be a mother. Katherine was more at home with champagne brunches than PTA meetings. Impatient with clumsiness or loud noises, Katherine preferred a more formal atmosphere—one without the clamor of children.

Being responsible for a child had cut into Katherine’s lifestyle, though it had significantly increased her alimony when she and Jacob divorced.

But when her stint at motherhood was complete, Katherine left. She moved out of Crystal Bay the morning of her daughter’s eighteenth birthday.

Tula still remembered that last hug and brief conversation.

The airport was crowded, of course, with people coming and going. Excitement simmered in the air alongside sorrow as lovers kissed goodbye and family members waved and promised to write.

“You’ll be fine, Tula,” her mother said as she moved toward her gate. “You’re all grown up now, I’ve done my job and you’re entirely capable of taking care of yourself.”

Tula wanted to ask her mother to stay. She wanted to tell Katherine that she so wasn’t ready to be alone. That she was a little scared about college and the future. But it would have been pointless and she knew that, too. A part of her mother was already gone. Her mind and heart were fixed in Italy, just waiting for her body to catch up.

Katherine was renting a villa outside Florence for the summer, then she would be moving on—to where, Tula had no idea. The only thing she was absolutely sure of was that her mother wouldn’t be back.

“Now, I can’t miss boarding, so give me a kiss.”

Tula did, and fought the urge to hug her mom and hold on. Sure, her mother had never been very maternal, but she had been there. Every day. In the house that would now be empty. That would echo with her own thoughts rattling around in the suffocating silence.

Her father was in the city and Tula wouldn’t be seeing him anytime soon, so she was truly on her own for the first time ever. And though she could admit to a certain amount of anticipation, the inherent scariness of the situation was enough to swamp everything else.

Thank God, Tula thought, she still had Anna Cameron and her family. They would be there for her when she needed them. They always had been. That knowledge made saying goodbye to her mother a bit easier, though no less sad.

She’d often dreamed that she and her mother could be closer. She had wished she had the sense of family that Anna had. Though Anna’s mom had died when she was a girl, her father and stepmother had supported and loved her. But wishes changed nothing, she told herself firmly, then pasted a bright smile on her face.

“Enjoy Italy, Mom. I’ll be fine.”

“I know you will, Tula. You’re a good girl.”

Then she was gone, not even bothering to glance back to see if her daughter was still watching.

Which Tula was.

She stood alone and watched until the plane pulled away from the gate. Until it taxied to the runway. Until it took off and became nothing more than a sun-splashed dot in the sky.

Finally, Tula went home to an empty house and promised herself that one day she would build a family. She would have what she had always longed for.

Simon was watching her, waiting for her to answer his question. She scrubbed her hands up and down her arms and said, “Of course they influenced me. But not in the way you might think. I didn’t want to be who they were. I didn’t want what they wanted. I made a conscious decision to be myself. Me. Not just a twig on the family tree.”

A flash of surprise lit his eyes and she wondered why.

“How’s that working out for you?”

“Until today,” she admitted, “pretty good.”

He walked closer and Tula backed up. She was feeling a little vulnerable at the moment and the last thing she needed was to be too near Simon. She kept moving until the backs of her knees hit the ledge of the cushioned window seat. Abruptly, she sat down and her surprise must have shown on her face.

He chuckled and asked, “Am I making you nervous, Tula?”

“Of course not,” she replied, while her mind was screaming, Yes! Everything about him was suddenly making her nervous and she wasn’t sure how to handle it. Since she’d met him, he’d irritated her, intrigued her. But this anxiousness was a new sensation.

Tula knew everyone thought of her as flaky. The crazy artist. But she wasn’t really. She had always known what she wanted. She lived the way she liked and made no apologies for it. She always knew who was in her life and what they meant to her.

At least, she had until Simon. But he was a whole different ball game. He went from insulting her to seducing her. He made her furious one moment and hot and achy the next. For a man who had so loved his routine, he was becoming entirely too unpredictable.

She couldn’t seem to pin him down. Or guess what he was going to do or say. She had thought him just another staid businessman, but he was more than that. She simply wasn’t sure what that meant for her. Which made her a little nervous, though she’d never admit to it. So to keep herself steady, she started talking again.

“You’ve heard my story, so tell me, how did wearing a three-piece suit by the age of two affect you?”

He gave her a half smile and sat down beside her on the window seat. Turning his head, he stared through the glass at the winter afternoon behind them.

A storm was piling up on the horizon, Tula saw as she followed his gaze. Thunderclouds huddled together in a dark gray mass that promised rain by evening. Already, the wind was picking up, sending the naked branches of the trees in the park into a frenzied dance. Mothers gathered up their children as the sky darkened further and soon the park was as empty as Tula felt.

When Simon finally spoke, his voice was so soft, she nearly missed it. “You think you’ve got me figured out, do you?”

She studied him, trying to read his eyes. But it was as if he’d drawn a shutter over them, locking himself away from her.

“I thought so,” she admitted and her confusion must have been evident in her tone. “When I first met you, you reminded me of…someone I used to know,” she said, picturing her father, fierce gaze locked on some hapless employee. “But the more I got to know you, the more I realized that I didn’t know you at all. Well, that made no sense,” she ended with a laugh.

“Yeah, it did,” Simon said, shifting to look at her again, closing off the outside world with the intensity of his gaze. Making her feel as if she were the only thing in the world that mattered at the moment.

“Simon…”

“Nobody is what they look like on the surface,” he murmured, features carefully blank and unreadable as he studied her. “I’m just really realizing that.”