Aunt Ida. Oh, I feel all right.
(Enter Martin R.I. He stands.)
Martin. Yes, Miss.
Celia. (Holding tongs) Oh, Martin, I want you to jump upstairs-
Martin. (In open amazement) Jump, Miss?
Celia. I said, "Jump" and tell Kent to give you two motor coats and any other kind of a wrap she can find, two motor bonnets, some veils and furs and some pins and my motor bag and-two toothbrushes. We are going for a drive.
Martin. A drive, Miss?
Celia. (Irritated) I said a drive. Will you hurry, please?
(READY Telephone.)
Martin. Very good, Miss. (Exit R.I.)
Aunt Ida. We can't have the motor. We couldn't have it to go to the Admiral's. It's broken.
Celia. (Putting tongs in the winged armchair) It wouldn't be a motor if it wasn't. Now what will we do? Oh, I'll get Jimmie Raleigh and he'll come back and take us down in his. (Goes to phone.) Hello! Hello! I wonder what the-(Aunt Ida squeals) – telephone number is. Oh, Aunt Ida, please do be quiet. You know you will make me nervous in a minute.
Aunt Ida. I'm not saying a word.
Celia. Hello! Hello! Give me Sir William Raleigh's house, please. Yes, I know the family is away, but I want to speak to Mr. James Raleigh. (Stuffs handkerchief in telephone receiver and turns to Aunt Ida.) Aunt Ida, tell me, do you know, are there any Smiths ranching in Chicago?
Aunt Ida. (Slightly tipsily) Smiths? Smiths? I don't know.
Celia. (Into telephone) What? He's not in? (Martin enters with wraps and bags. Crosses back of table to chair L. of table.) Well, have him ring me up directly he comes in-Miss Faraday. Yes, please. (Puts up telephone. Jumps up, goes to Martin, helps him place wraps on chair, takes bag and puts it on floor, beside and to the L. of chair R.)
(Note: The wraps must be placed across Martin's arms in the following manner: Celia's wrap on bottom, then her veil and bonnet. Next comes muff and fur for Aunt Ida. Then the ulster for Aunt Ida and on top her bonnet. The bag is in Martin's hand.)
Martin. (Going C. above table) Shan't I clear the table, Miss?
Celia. No, leave it till morning. Don't bother about anything. Go to bed, Martin, go to bed. Good-night.
Martin. Thank you, Miss. Good-night. (Goes L. and exits.)
Aunt Ida. You have forgotten the whiskey and soda.
Celia. (Seizes Aunt Ida's bonnet from pile of wraps and crosses to her above table) Of course I have. You don't suppose I'm going to have those two men back here until we're out of the way. (Placing bonnet on Aunt Ida's head from back) I don't want to hurry you, dear, but we must be ready the minute Mr. Raleigh gets here. (Celia is so excited that she gets Aunt Ida's bonnet on quite to one side, ties a rampant bow under her right ear, then flies up stage and peeps through curtain on door to see if the men are returning. Aunt Ida during this is showing serious signs of the effect of the brandy by grotesque gestures and movements of her head. Celia returns R. of Aunt Ida.) How do you feel now, Aunt Ida, how do you feel now?
Aunt Ida. (Quite tipsily) I never felt like this before in all my life. I think I've got a chill.
Celia. A chill? Do you want a little more brandy? (Goes for decanter.)
Aunt Ida. No-no-no-no.
Celia. (Seizing ulster and going back to her) Then get into this. It will keep you warm while you are waiting. (She helps Aunt Ida, who is still seated, into the ulster, her right arm first. She then rushes back to chair for fur and muff.)
Aunt Ida. (Flopping on table) Oh, Celia! Why do we have to go on this dreadful journey?
Celia. (Handing her muff over her shoulder, which Aunt Ida clutches and hugs like a child) To get to Chicago, dear, to get to Chicago! (Placing stole around her neck) And we'll be there almost before you realize it. (Telephone bell rings. Celia throws stole quickly around Aunt Ida's face, almost smothering her, and rushes to telephone.) Hello! – Hello! – What? – Yes, Mr. Raleigh. I did-Mr. Raleigh, Aunt Ida has just had a cable from Chicago with some very bad news.
Aunt Ida. Oh! Oh!
Celia. (To Aunt Ida) Hush! (Into telephone) And she has got to get away to-night on the midnight train. I want to go a little way with her. Won't you come and drive us to the station in your motor? – What? You will? Oh, that's very kind of you, but don't drive up to the door. (Aunt Ida rises, supporting herself on table.) No, stay down by the gate and we'll walk down. (Aunt Ida has moved cautiously around and walks over to the conservatory window.) Just blow your horn gently when you get here, so we'll know that you've arrived. We'll go down as quickly as we can. Yes. – Thanks. – Yes, yes. (Hangs up receiver and goes for her bonnet. Crosses below table to door R.) How do you feel now, Aunt Ida? How do you feel now?
Aunt Ida. I'm afraid it's a fever, or else I'm dreadfully over-heated. (Sits on stool.)
Celia. (Going to her) You'll be all right, once you're in the fresh air. But I've got to leave you for a few moments while I run upstairs and get my box of love letters. I can't go away and leave those things behind me. There are about two hundred and fifty of them by this time. (Going R.) I've been writing to that man every day for eight months.
Aunt Ida. Celia! (Celia stops. Beckons to her tipsily. Celia goes to her.) Do you know something, Celia. I believe you're half in love with Smith.
Celia. (Going back R.) You dear old goose, you don't know what you're talking about. I half in love with that man? Half in love with a man who has treated me as that man has done? Well-(Going further R.) – I hope I'm not quite such a fool as that, Aunt Ida.
Aunt Ida. Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Celia. (With her back to Aunt Ida) Well, and if I were? Isn't it all the more reason for me to get out of this house before I make a bigger fool of myself? (Goes to door R., which she barely opens when Aunt Ida stops her again.)
Aunt Ida. Celia!!! (Celia turns.) I believe-I ought to lie down.
Celia. (Lets the door slam to and rushes straight across the stage to Aunt Ida) No, Aunt Ida, dear, you can't do anything like that. You can sleep in the motor and in the train, but you must stay here while I'm gone and listen for Wilson's telephone message and write it down.
Aunt Ida. It's no use. Just five minutes. I must lie down.
Celia. I won't be a minute.
Aunt Ida. Now I'm getting cold. Put something around me.
Celia. Well, here. (Puts screen in front of her) This will keep off the draught and you can have the fresh air at the same time, and have a little nap while you're waiting. (Speaking over, her shoulder, she goes R. to door) No one will disturb you, dear. I've locked that door and will take the key of this one with me, and I'll hurry back as fast as I can, Aunt Ida, just as fast as- (Exits quickly, locking door behind her.)
(There is a pause. The faint toot of a motor horn is heard off L. Aunt Ida's hands are seen to grasp the top of the outer wings of the screen, one by one. Her head appears for a moment. She looks about tipsily and then drops suddenly out of sight again. After a pause, a second toot is heard. Aunt Ida rises slowly and carefully and comes out R. of screen. She is extremely puzzled.)
Aunt Ida. Now what was that? (Her eye lights on telephone and a smile breaks over her face) The telephone. Wilson's message. Must write it down. (Goes carefully and slowly to desk and sits heavily in chair. Takes off receiver and places transmitter to her ear. There is a pause as she listens. A look of terror and surprise creeps over her face.) Now! something's the matter with my ears. I can't hear a word they say. I believe I'm paralyzed. Oh, dear. (Looks helplessly about her.) Why doesn't Celia come back? (She has taken a pen in her right hand to write down the message. She holds the receiver in her left hand. She looks from one to the other and cannot make up her mind which goes where. She finally decides and elaborately puts the pen in the telephone hooks with a satisfied smile. She then carefully places the receiver on the desk where the pen ought to be.) It's not us. This has been a dreadful day. (Slowly and carefully rising and looking tipsily about) If I'm to be good for anything to-night, I will have to lie down somewhere. (Goes up to doors) If only for five minutes. (Unlocks and opens doors) I'll have to lie down-I'll-have-to- (She exits at back to R., whimpering to herself. When she is off, the telephone bell begins to ring. After it has rung for a moment, Faraday is heard off stage, calling)
Faraday. (Off stage L.) Celia! Celia! Where are you, Celia? (He appears from the L. and stands in C. doorway, looking off right. His jaw drops.) What-is-the-matter-with-your-Aunt? (The telephone bell continues to ring. He hurries down.) Here! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! (Smith enters and comes down L. of table above chair where Celia's coat and bag are. Faraday sees pen in telephone hooks, jerks it out and throws it on desk and picks up receiver. Bell stops ringing.) Hello! Hello! Faraday Hall. Mr. Faraday speaking. – Tell Miss Faraday what? You've made the reservation on the midnight train, change cars at Cobden?
Smith. (Sees Celia's wraps and bag and starts slightly) Miss Faraday going? (Moves R. above table, thinking.)
Faraday. (Into telephone) Nonsense, man, you mean Mrs. Faraday. At twelve noon, she's leaving, not twelve midnight. – What's that you say? It was Miss Celia that telephoned and said she was going herself? Nonsense, man! Don't argue with me. I'm afraid you've been drinking, my man. (Smells telephone) The telephone reeks of brandy! Try to be sober by morning. Remember, we need you in this election. (As he hangs up telephone) I've only known him to be drunk once before-decent chap and devoted to Celia.
Smith. (R. of table) Every one is, sir. She's peculiarly attractive.
Faraday. Yes, but it's taken people a long time to find it out. Now, where has Martin put that whiskey? (He goes fussing about the room) But the men who want to step into Smith's shoes now are legion. (Still looking about and fussing. Picks up brandy decanter. Smells it and puts it down.)
Smith. It's a legion, sir, I'd like to enlist in at once. Have I your permission?
Faraday. Of course you have, my dear fellow, of course you have! (Crossing R.) If I can only find that damn whiskey and soda, I will drink good luck to you. (Rattles door down R. Finds it locked) What do you suppose that scoundrel Martin has been up to? Has everybody been drinking to-night? Come, we'll have to go around through the library. (Goes up to C. door and exits R. Smith follows him. As Smith gets to door, the motor horn toots twice. He pauses and looks back, knowingly, then exits off R. After his exit, horn toots twice.)
(Enter Celia with box supposed to contain love letters and small box supposed to contain watch and pin. She closes the door and deliberately disregards open doors at back.)
Celia. (Keeping her eyes fixed on her box of letters, crosses C. below table) I'm back, Aunty dear. I wasn't very long, was I? I've got my box of love letters. (Holds out box and looks at it ruefully) Well, they will go into the furnace with my own hands. (Places box right of her on table.) And his watch and his pin, infamous things, he'll have those back and a letter with them, that I hope will burn without going into the furnace. (Celia goes to desk and takes up a piece of paper as if to write) Tell me, dear. Did Wilson telephone?
Smith. (Who has appeared at back from R.) Yes, Miss Faraday, he did. (Celia drops the paper from her hand, turns slowly around, sees open doors, walks deliberately to screen and looks over it, her back to the audience. She turns around, her face expressing chagrin and annoyance at Aunt Ida's failing her.) Mayn't I come into the room and speak to you?
Celia. Certainly not. (Goes and viciously seizes her coat from chair and begins to put it on.)
Smith. (Coming into the room just the same and coming down above her on the R.) You told me, I know, there was nothing more to say but good-bye and I'll say that too, if I must. But first, there is something else to say and I'd much rather say it than write it.
Celia. Mo, whatever you do, don't write-don't write me anything. I dislike letters intensely and just at present they seem to be a drug on the market. (Picks up her bag and veil.)
Smith. But there is something I must say to you before you go.
Celia. How do you know I'm going anywhere?
Smith. (Looks down at her bag and smiles) Well? (Celia swings bag to other side of her.) Besides, I overheard Wilson's message.
Celia. Oh, you did. Well, then perhaps you will be good enough to realize that I'm in something of a hurry. You will find your jewelry there on the desk.
Smith. Won't you sit down for five minutes?
(READY Horn.)
Celia. Certainly not.
Smith. Just five!
Celia. No.
Smith. If you don't, upon my word, I shall begin to believe that you are afraid of me.
Celia. (Sits quickly with her back to the audience L. of table) Indeed! That wouldn't be your first mistake, you know.
Smith. I know it was a foolish trick. I had no right to come here as I did.
Celia. It was a cruel joke.
Smith. (Simply and feelingly) Yes, but a joke that is more on me now than it ever was on you. (Motor horn toots three times. Celia turns her head in the direction of the conservatory.) I want you to know that my name really is Vavasour.
Celia. You astonish me. Isn't it anything else too?
Smith. Yes, it's really J. N. Smith, too.
Celia. Oh! Is that all?
Smith. No, more. Now that I have come in to my Uncle Vavasour's old Abbey, I have to take his name legally, Smith-Vavasour, don't you see?
Celia. I see. What a delightful combination of class and mass! This may be all very interesting to anyone interested, but really I haven't time now to split hairs over a middle name. Your intention was to deceive me, and you almost succeeded. Failure alone, I take it, accounts for your present humility. Now, if you will be good enough to get your watch on the desk, you will see that the five minutes you asked for are up and, since you insist on saying good-bye to me, will you say it as quickly as possible, please, and let me go? (Makes no attempt to move.)
Smith. No. Not until we've decided what's to be done about your other letters. (Hand unconsciously rests on the box of letters without his knowing it.)
Celia. (Glances at this and tries to appear unconcerned) What other letters?
Smith. I have that first one here. (Pressing his hand over his heart.) But-all the others. Good God! (Moving well down R.) When I think of love letters of yours wandering loose about Somaliland- (Celia places her bag quickly on table, steals her arm across, seizes the box of letters while Smith is not looking, and on the word Somaliland, swings away from him, hiding the box awkwardly under her cloak.) There's one thing I can do to show you what I feel about it. Give me some clue to the mistaken addresses you must have put upon them and I'll start back to-morrow and fetch them. (Comes L.C., quite close to Celia.)
Celia. From Somaliland?
Smith. From Hell, if necessary.
Celia. Fortunately, such a journey would be superfluous.
Smith. What do you mean?
Celia. I mean that all of those hundreds and hundreds of letters that I was fool enough to write to an imaginary hero are all here in this box. And now they're going into the furnace with my own hands. (Starts for door, swinging the box in her right hand.)
Smith. (Following her and playfully taking the box from her) Won't you give them to me instead?
Celia. (Turns back and they both hold on to box) Certainly not. It's an additional insult that you should even suggest such a thing. Do you suppose I ever want to see you or hear your name again-a man who has dared to hold me up to ridicule as you have done-to wickedly and cruelly amuse himself at my expense- (Smith gives a low laugh.) Oh, don't you suppose I know how funny I must have seemed to you? Ha! Ha! (Imitates Smith's laugh.) Silly idiot of a girl, tired of having no notice taken of her, tired of being kept on the shelf, just dying to show people how attractive she could be-only give her the chance. And to think because of that I made such an everlasting fool of myself before a man, a man who is capable of-
Smith. Capable of telling you a lie, Miss Faraday? (Puts box of letters on table.)
(READY Motor Horn.)
Celia. Well, you did. You know you did. You did everything you could think of to deceive me.
Smith. I can't deny it.
Celia. And do you believe that a man or a woman could ever bring himself or herself to respect or have anything to do with a man or a woman who-who deceived?
Smith. I do believe it. And judging by my own case, I may say I know it.
Celia. I don't think it is very generous of you to allude to me in that manner.
Smith. Me. We are discussing me, Miss Faraday. What can I say to induce you to forgive me?
Celia. Nothing. (Smith turns away. She glances at him. In an indifferent tone) But, of course, you may say it if you wish.
Smith. (Turns and comes to her. Tenderly) I did lie to you elaborately, and I'm going to be jolly glad that I had the chance of lying to you, and I want all the rest of my life the chance of telling you the truth. These few hours with you have made me want so very much for more like them, made me want a chance to seem less odious in your eyes, at least to be on a fair footing, so that I may take my chances with the rest.
Celia. (Looking straight into his eyes) But they haven't any chance at all.
(Smith laughs a little and Celia, realizing her "break" turns her head away in confusion.)
Smith. Well, that's good news. Then give me a chance alone, won't you? You've only known me for four hours, but am I wrong in believing that you've been thinking of me for eight months? Can't I hope to take the place of the man to whom you gave my name?
(Celia smiles and looks down a little wistfully, as if about to consent. Motor horn toots three times.)
Celia. (Throwing off her yielding mood, turns and goes to the winged armchair, back to audience, shaking out her veil and pointing L.) Oh, no, it's all too impossible. Besides, Mr. Raleigh is waiting for me in the motor.
Smith. (Comes to her and gently takes her right hand) You've been dreaming for eight months of an ideal that you never thought to see. I've been dreaming all my life in exactly the same way and at last I've seen mine.
Celia. (After a pause, during which she lets her hand rest in his, her head averted) Yes, but it's too late now, because I'm leaving here immediately. Mr. Raleigh is waiting to take me to the station. (Smith pulls her gently across and down stage a few steps. She goes quite willingly.) Will you please let me go?
Smith. (Still holding her hands) You shall go. I shall let you go. The instant you tell me to whom you are speaking-Celia.
Celia. Really, this is an outrage. Will you kindly let me go, Colonel Smith?
Smith. He can't. You remember you killed him of wounds at Berbera.
Celia. Well, Colonel Vavasour, will you please let me go?
Smith. He can't. The lawyers haven't finished making him.
Celia. (After a pause, while she slowly breaks into a laugh) Oh, very well, then-Wobbles.
(Smith releases her hand and she hurries to door R. and opens it.)
Smith. Please don't go. Come into the next room and talk things over.
(Auto horn toots impatiently off R.)
Celia. No, no, I can't. There's Mr. Raleigh. He's come up to the door. Good-bye.
Smith. (After a pause) Good-bye?
Celia. Yes, good-bye. (Goes to door and looks off down stairs) Why, here he is coming up the steps. Martin's letting him in. (Smith turns and goes slowly up stage to C. Putting on her veil) No wonder he's impatient. He's been waiting for me for twenty minutes.
Smith. (In doorway) Yes, but remember I've been waiting for you for twenty years. (Exits, off L.C.)
(WARN Curtain.)
(Celia pauses a moment and then crosses up as if to call him back, looking over her shoulder to see that Raleigh is not coming. She goes off stage C. and looks after Smith and then with a sigh, comes back into room, goes to L. of table, tying her veil as she comes down. Raleigh enters. He's very cold. His nose is red, his coat collar turned up and he is chattering. Comes to R.C. a little up stage.)
Raleigh. Miss Faraday, I had to come in. I'm nearly frozen-you'll miss your train. I've been waiting for you for twenty minutes. (He offers her his arm. Celia picks up her bag, crosses to him, takes his arm and they walk quickly to the door. He is above her. He smiles contentedly as they start to exit. As they get to the door, she swings him right out and turns back, going up and off C. again, looking after Smith. Raleigh returns and stands by door) Aren't you coming?
Celia. (Comes down to him and, as she reaches winged chair, she suddenly drops her bag in the seat of it and throws back her head with a joyous laugh) No, I've changed my mind. I'm going to stay, because he's been waiting for me for twenty years. (Runs gaily up and off after Smith, waving her hand to Raleigh as she goes. Raleigh drops his hat in amazement, with a smothered, "Well, I'll be-")