“10 guys in a year and no one worth it.”
Are we whores or actively searching? How to figure it out when you are looking for an ideal partner, the hero of your novel, someone with whom you will live a happy life, start a family, and on the way you meet only perverts, mama’s boys, jealous house builders and Don Juan Casanovas.
If we see a handsome, smart, kind guy who is free, then we immediately take a step forward so that he notices us. Then we get to know each other better, go on dates and…
Instead of discerning in it a discrepancy with other parameters, we begin to invent and assign non-existent advantages to it. We meet further, sleep. And one fine day the masks fall off, the veil disappears from our eyes, and voila, what we have in front of us is completely different from the one we mentally pictured.
We get upset, but don’t learn the lesson, but move on and step on the same rake. Once, twice, three times, and now for the tenth time this year, the gentleman turns out to be a complete asshole, for whom you dyed your hair.
Are you laughing?
These are all true stories. They happened not only to me, but also to my friends.
So, everything in order.
First, I'll tell you about my searches.
After I realized that Dima was no longer interesting to me, I decided to expand the parameters and narrow the category.
I wanted to meet a rich, successful, non-drinking man who would be attractive to me.
The perspective shifted towards the financial component, and I literally walked on the line between a mercantile bitch and a decent romantic.
Every single day, I went out as if on a podium and scanned my surroundings for the presence of such a man.
I hoped to meet my fate daily, hourly. My wardrobe has expanded significantly, going out has become regular, and my makeup and hairstyles have become closer to the desired look. Not to say that I became a Yves Saint Laurent model, but I learned to look stylish – that's for sure.
My guide to finding an ideal was the heroine of the American TV series Carrie Bradshaw. I recommend it to every emotionally mature woman to watch. But if you are not stable and want to take revenge on someone, like I did then, then it is better to take the advice of Carrie and her friends as fiction and watch everything to the end. This is the only way morality becomes visible.
Otherwise, you risk applying the wrong tool to the wrong situation.
What did I do, where did I go wrong? Very simply, I decided to take as a model of behavior the numerous acquaintances of the heroines, and not how to correctly identify a person while not being so close to him.
If I could smell a catch a mile away, I wouldn’t even start a relationship. If I, like these girls in the last episodes, could see genuine feelings and a real person, sincere, purposeful, then I would simply sweep away all the chaff and not fuss until I met my husband one day.
But, there is a flip side to such suspicion and distrust – to turn into a “prosecutor” who does not trust anyone, and poor men are so exhausted from courtship that they really begin to act weird.
For example, my friend Sonya, a midwife at the maternity hospital, stern and prim with men and humorous, occasionally touchy with girls.
Don’t put your finger in her mouth, let her mock her sarcastically. She was only twenty-three when I watched her “search” for a life partner. She did absolutely nothing. Ah, I remembered, I cried at night. But nothing.
Initially, her belief that everyone lies, cheats, abandons and betrays gave her some self-confidence. Then it became an obsession; she could not carry on a normal conversation without grinning at any romantic or positive remark.
– He loves me.
– Yeah, like a cat gets a new sneaker. As soon as he pees himself, he will fall in love with a new one.
That's about it. Or like this:
– Look what a wonderful day it is today. It's time to meet some handsome guy.
– And pick up the clap.
Well, everything is like that. So funny during the day and sad at night.
It looks like she knew that the hero of her novel was waiting for her somewhere, and therefore did not scatter her attention and was not scattered on the “unworthy.”
This actually deserves respect among women and men. There was one catch, she wasn't pretty at all. Large facial features, a boxer's stoop, which results in low chest and a small tummy. And she would have waited until she turned gray for her betrothed, if one fine day she had not slowed down. It’s good to be strong if there are actually enemies all around. But fortunately, most people are positive, only a handful ruin everyone's life.
Sonya began to preen herself, loosen her long braid more often, and exchanged her glasses for contact lenses. I finally changed my anger to mercy. Apparently crying at night really tired her out.
How was this expressed? Sonya began to coo to everyone, only occasionally making fun of them.
Since she did not change her clothes (all the same auntie’s blouses), men did not develop the image of a sexy woman. They began to see her as a woman, but not for easy flirting, but for a serious relationship.
Thin? Crazy. I admire her idea. She quickly found herself a husband and has been living with a handsome man for a long time.
I couldn’t apply it to myself then. My sexuality and cooing were turning into something else.
In a society of men, such an image does not arouse the desire to get married.
You can't look your best, attract a ton of attention and not be a bitch. Then you will be considered a woman of easy virtue.
If you are beautiful and sexy, then in order to save yourself for your husband, you must be modest or ulcerous. Modesty is also attractive, and everyone can fall for it.
I remember poor Inna, a classmate who was courted by Ivan in high school. She couldn't turn him off because it would ruin her image. She went on all the dates, politely refused intimacy, which he perceived as modesty accordingly.
All this disgrace lasted about a year, until Inna realized that she was losing the opportunity to date someone cool.
And then the dam burst, as they say.
– Vanya, leave me alone.
– Why?
– I don’t love you! -How?
– I never loved.
– But why didn’t you tell me?
– I was afraid to offend you.
– What a bitch you are!
Do you see? Either way, bitch. It would be better if she immediately told him that he was not her type, she would not have lost a year of her life.
С'est la vie. Alas, in order not to be branded as a priestess of love in male society, it is necessary not to combine sexuality with cooing. Or do it so skillfully that a mosquito won’t hurt your nose. Namely, to remain at a distance, not to allow close physical contact until some promises are fulfilled.
Or learn to refuse and behave directly, if you are a beauty, of course.
If you have problems with your appearance, be sexy in your communication.
My mistake was accepting the idea that I was not beautiful enough. I underestimated my appearance and behaved very freely with men, flirting and flirting.
But it was worth being sarcastic and bitchy with those whom I didn’t want to see as a husband.
As a result, there were a lot of wrong people, and there was absolutely no energy or time left for the right one.
They took me to the cinema, restaurants, gave me flowers and sweets, but I was not in love.
Why then everything? For what? Self-affirmation? Resentment towards the entire male family for previous failures? What nonsense.
I understand this now, but then I really asserted myself. How many of you still do the same? Girls, I’ll tell you straight, you can spend your time much more usefully by learning a foreign language, or extreme driving, for example.
I will address each one separately. Stand in front of the mirror and look at yourself as if you were the main character of a historical movie.
Imagine that you were chosen to play the role of the queen or empress, or maybe someone else, the one about whom the story will be told, whom the audience will sympathize with, whom they will love.
With pimples on your face, gray hair in your twenties, cellulite, a large nose, thin lips and everything that you don’t like about yourself so much. Imagine that millions of viewers are in love with all this. They see a person, his story and the whole image becomes captivating for them, they want to be like him.
Are you immersed in this idea? Great.
Stay in it, savor it thoroughly.
And now, with your chin raised proudly, move forward in life without expecting others to confirm your uniqueness. Don’t depend on other people’s opinions about you, just enjoy yourself as you are.
Be happy with yourself. And then you won’t have to assert yourself at the expense of someone else.
You may realize that you don't want to get married right now. Perhaps you will become a pilot or astronaut, as you have wanted since childhood. And then you will meet the same one. Even at forty years old. Doesn't matter. Only you and your happiness are important.
Do you understand?
“Igor, Alexander, Sofia.”
Three important people in my life that I can't help but tell you about.
Have you ever had the feeling that the people you meet on your life’s path didn’t end up here by accident, but were sent by someone to teach you?
Looks like this happened to me. Only the highest power turned out to be me from the future, and not the gods. If I were asked now, “When rewriting the book of your youth, who would you keep and who would you remove from it?”, I would confidently answer about these three people.
The people who influenced me the most. They believed in me and tried to help.
All the initiatives that I had at that time were supported by these three people. Yes, not everything I tried was perfect, and not everything was moral, but I was not afraid to experiment.
These three admired me, but unfortunately, I could not discern such care in them.
So, if you are reading these lines now, DEAR SOFIA FROM MURMANSK, IGOR IS A LAWYER AND ALEXANDER A FOREST BUSINESSMAN, then know that I am sincerely grateful to you for your attempts to help and admiration.
This chapter will not be detailed. She is very sad, so I will still stop, albeit superficially. Maybe someday in another book I will share it with you, but not now.
I will only say that according to the latest information, they all gave up, the world broke them. Antidepressants, drugs and a lot of alcohol. And if they turned to me now for the same help and faith in them that they themselves gave, then I would not turn away.
You can ask me what you are thinking now.
– Didn’t you break them, Margarita? How did the vampire suck all the faith in people out of them?
– Maybe. And I sincerely regret this.
The only thing I can say in my defense is that every person is responsible for himself first of all. And it is he who brings himself to the state where he finds himself. The environment can influence, but not more than the person himself.
If you have seriously offended someone in your life, or did not allow them to help you, then it’s time to realize this and not blame, but simply correct yourself.
My friend, a former drug addict, offended his mother with demands to give him money, stole and refused help from teachers and social workers.
When he got into an extremely deplorable state, he blamed himself for the sins of the world, considering himself a nonentity, he was sitting on a needle, the guys from Narconon came to the rescue in time.
They assured him that he shouldn’t blame himself, they believed in him, they put in the intention and made him responsible for at least paying for his own treatment.
Imagine my surprise when he actually recovered, and even without psychotropic drugs, and has not used drugs for ten years.
He works for the good of society, helping guys like him to free themselves.
I believe help is possible. Now I know this one hundred percent. And then Alexander, Igor and Sofia only gave birth to this faith in me.
That's what I'm grateful to the guys for.
Help is possible.
I hope my book will help many women realize their nature and live in harmony with it, without shame or exaggeration.
Do you know, by the way, how a woman can overdo it with her self-expression?
Pretense. A very unpleasant sight. Sometimes funny, nothing more.
I had a friend who tried to look sexy where it was inappropriate. It's not necessary.
How? Well, for example, one day she showed up at the opening of a children's Christian camp in a denim miniskirt, a top with a deep neckline and stiletto heels. She let her fluffy long hair down and flirted with all the male counselors in the camp.
Poor kids.
What is it, poor guys! As you know, it is difficult to punish for this, especially in an advanced Christian community, so they simply endured it and, blushing, shyly ran away to the baby.
He has an erection, and he is forced to talk about non-adultery. Can you imagine how unlucky guys are that all their privates are visible when they are excited?
You can’t tell from a woman whether her clitoris is erect, and external behavior is not necessarily truthful. There are a lot of hypocritical ladies who put on an aura of sex for the sake of money and some other benefits.
If we talk about physiology, then you will not see any high spirits through a skirt or pants.
It's funny, isn't it?
Men are so simple as in the palm of your hand.
That’s why women are perceived as cunning creatures; you can’t tell from them what’s going on in your head.
I know a lot of examples of how men made mistakes when considering their passion. Some particularly lazy ones insisted that all the women before me had orgasms with him.
– How? Missionary?
– Well, yes.
– How did you understand it?
– Well, she had pink cheeks, she moaned, squirmed, was wet there and eventually announced that she had come.
– Hmm – I laugh. – It's clear.
I’ll talk about frigidity and orgasm a little later. I see you are already intrigued.
In the meantime, I’m finishing the chapter about my friend and two guys who influenced me deep down.
"Financial insolvency."
Enough about sex, we are also smart. Let's talk about money. In polite society it is not customary to talk about sex, the toilet and money. We talk about everything, but only among ourselves in a narrow circle of women.
There is a bit of a problem with money. The fact is that the bulk of consumers on this planet are women. We know each other better than others. Hence the conclusion that the best salesperson should be a woman.
Is it so. How many women now run large corporations, companies, firms?
Not as many as men. They study marketing, sales funnel, lead generation, business models and so on. For many of us this is an empty phrase.
We all complain about how unfair it is to be a woman. I imagined. If I were a man, then in order to convey my idea to someone, I would have to overcome women’s tears, hysterics and insults, as well as men’s fists.
A woman only needs to be capricious and offended. But she doesn’t do that either when it comes to making money.
Do you know what the average woman does? She pouts her lips and stomps her heels so that her husband, daddy, or someone else buys her what she wants.
I'm ashamed of us girls.
Of course, not everyone is like that. There are wonderful businesswomen who run car parts companies, and clueless men who cut wood or paint walls just for the sake of daily needs.
But think about it. If we take two people of different genders with the same level of income and ask them to build a garden in a city where everyone is against it, who will give up faster?
Man.
Why?
He will need to endure the refusals of his own kind, and most likely with his fists. And also fight the second force of resistance – women's tears and grievances.
The woman will hold out a little longer and perhaps win. How? The same tears will help her pity men, and possibly women. And the bitchiness and envy of women from the administration or the people may create obstacles, but only until a compromise is found.
Nightmare?
Yeah.
This is not a fair game, I would say if I didn’t know the second characteristic of women – we don’t know how to take risks. As long as no one sets global goals for us, we are not eager to fight. Again, I don’t want to speak in templates and for the whole mass. There are different women and men.
I'm talking more about the mathematical majority. Not even fifty-one percent.
You know, like in surveys. If thirty-one percent of the target audience has headaches, twenty-nine have a runny nose, twenty have diabetes, and another twenty have grown a tail, then the majority here is thirty-one.
Do you understand?
If you never use a pout to get what you want, then congratulations – you are not in the conditional thirty-one.
I got. I noticed how I won the discussion, assuring my opponent that she was right with tears in her eyes. Without hysterics, of course, I never really practiced them. Just a stingy tear, I would even say moisture on the lower eyelids.
Lately I’ve been holding back, generally pulling myself together every time a lump comes to my throat in an argument.
A stupid, treacherous offense makes the voice tremble and the eyes become wet about once every six months in especially serious ideological duels.
If I just need to do it the way I want, then this is what I do.
(You may ask, why does she teach us to debate?
See you later.)
I outline an idea in my head of what I want to achieve, consider all the pros and cons. I realize for myself which side of the scale outweighs, and I decide whether to prove that I’m right. If my goal is worthwhile, then I mentally imagine how I envelop my counterpart in the care.
True true. I try to imagine all the best qualities of my opponent, recreate them in my mind (and not invent them, by the way), remind myself how smart he is, and that if I convey everything correctly, he will not be able to refuse.
Next, I think through the arguments. The same ones that were in the pros, and I am also looking for an answer to the cons. That is, an argument for each point around the idea.
Now (attention, let's move on to the topic of finance) I do the same with money issues. Any: buy cheaper – sell more expensive, have – not have, do it or quit.
This is what the lecture about female manipulation was all about.
By the way, in such matters, tears rather hindered me than helped me. I came across quite smart counterparts who could see the sympathy game from a mile away and could not stand whims. This is good: there is no control worse than manipulation. Yes, this is not control at all: blackmail, threats, tears, screaming, accusations – all this is not control, and therefore not success.
I had a young man of middle age. We did not love each other, so we mutually fulfilled the agreements. This was not a manipulative approach. He wanted energy in life, I wanted fashionability.
We drove the latest model Hummer through St. Petersburg traffic jams, ate in expensive restaurants and clubs, dressed to the nines and laughed at the vicissitudes of fate.
This is not a period of life that I would like to be proud of, but I weaned myself off the help of my parents, who earned very little, and, so to speak, I provided for myself.
Let's call a spade a spade, I had a sugar daddy. I paid for the rented room, dressed and ate entirely at his expense. But no excesses, no millions in the bank, Swiss accounts or other luxuries. I knew for sure that I was not a swindler.
Then a sudden, intelligent thought came to me: “Why am I worse than him? Why can't I earn the same amount? He is a businessman, not a thief, and he has earned the money he spends.
This means I can earn a lot to buy myself the things I want.”
We broke up. I got a job this weekend as a massage therapist in a cedar barrel salon. This is an important note so you don't think anything indecent.
"Cedar barrel? Oh, well, I see, that means the aunties mostly came.”
Yes, that's right. My life has become more interesting, somewhere I turned out to be useful while I'm studying for damn medical school. Oh God, sorry doctors and professors all over the world, I didn’t mean to offend you. I just think this is… a damn place. Yes. I didn't make a mistake. I think that this is not how doctors should be taught.
Well, okay, not about that now.
Every weekend I was literally inspired. The administrator Ilona worked with me, an incredibly smart girl, she was interested in business, she had even studied something. It was thanks to her that I realized: “What, it’s possible anyway?!” Well, that is, for the first time I saw a girl who is not yet a businesswoman (she is an ordinary graduate of medical college, she didn’t even go on to become a doctor) who doesn’t earn much, but wants a lot. She had ambitions, dreams, she wanted to create her own business, but in the meantime she was learning to negotiate.
She earned more than her salary, which was absolutely nothing for me at that time.
– How is this more salary?
– Well, am I selling more?
– In terms of? Are you late at work? Are you recycling?
– Well, no. I sell teas, massage creams, herbal bags. The more I sell, the more the director will pay me as a percentage.
– Wow. Is that allowed?
– Well, yes. True, my replacement doesn’t do that. And I approached the director and asked how I could earn more. She liked my question and offered me such a scheme.
Well, you understand. Ilona turned out to be purposeful and smart, unlike the zombie of the second administrator, who sat at her minimum and tried to fit into it in terms of costs, instead of trying to get out of the kennel and want to spend more. When you want to spend more, it is impossible not to come to the conclusion that you need to earn more.
Of course, you can start to skimp on food or toilet paper, eat Rollton and wipe yourself with pages of unnecessary books, but sooner or later the books will run out.
I'm kidding, of course. You yourself understand that the right approach would be to start doing one of two things: work hard, or work and learn to earn more.
My friend and her husband, for example, have never studied marketing, sales, business planning, and are not even going to get their hands dirty about it. They just work like draft horses, for days on end, for several shifts, without really seeing the children, tormenting themselves and the grandmother who sits with them. But they bought an apartment, a dacha and a car. What else do you need for happiness? Yes, they dress in consumer goods or even second-hand clothes. Yes, they eat without any frills, but they are head and shoulders above their lazy friends and relatives living in poverty.
The level of “learning how to make more money and spend less time working” is still alien to them. In fact, I don’t know if they will ever reach it. But at least this way, they take their money with time. Hardworking guys.
I moved on. I met a man who knows everything about this level and will teach me. I didn’t choose my husband based on the underwear that stuck to the ceiling, although that also came a little later.
But still, I rather chose a guru, a mentor, a mentor. He knew everything about business, financial independence and at the same time had the gift of teaching.
My teacher turned out to be very handsome and charming. Women literally clung to him. Therefore, there was also some sporting interest on my part. But now it’s not about him.
I tried, and still do, to live in such a way that my thoughts are not occupied by questions: what to eat and where to sleep.
I want all my material needs to be solved forever.
While they would tell me “Your help is needed in Africa, people are dying there,” I would get a couple of million, buy tickets, book a hotel, purchase the necessary medicine in the required volume and fly.
Tell the average inhabitant of the earth this now?
Firstly, he will expect that some philanthropist will, of course, pay for his travel, accommodation, food, and insurance. Plus, of course, he will give you all the medications.
Secondly, having learned that the responsibility lies solely with him, he will begin to be indignant that how is it that he is not sponsored, and where the state is looking.
Thirdly, he won’t even hesitate to find these couple of millions and vouch for them, to repay this debt in the future.
Do you see why it is worth striving for financial independence?
To at least raise my head.
To completely forget about the issues of food and housing.
I don’t know who, but someone definitely benefits from people not interfering in the important affairs of the Earth. They need the people to live so poorly that all their thoughts are enough for are thoughts on how to survive, how to provide themselves and their family with their daily bread.
It is not in their interest for you to take the time to reason, learn, or help others on a massive scale.
You may not believe me, but read my example with Africa again. What would you do?
If you are inspired by my idea and dream of financial independence, I congratulate you.
There is nothing wrong with earning millions with your mind and then spending them however you want. New dresses, islands, cayenne. All this can easily turn into helping people if you want. The fact is that you will already have this, and you will be able to snap your fingers so that the money raised from the sale of your next Maybach goes to the construction of a training center for children, for example.
Strive for freedom. Raise your heads. Inhale the rarefied air.
Financial insolvency, the musty air that a bowed head breathes – this is the lot of the majority, and it doesn’t matter whether you are a man or a woman.
Did I touch on a difficult topic?
Well, relax already. I don't want to burden anyone. We saw ourselves, realized something, it’s already great.
Let's move on.