The Lonely Hearts Travel Club

CHAPTER 3

Equanimity (n.) – Evenness of mind, especially under stress

You know how sometimes they say that when things are going well it is as if the stars are aligned and everything in the universe is exactly how it should be? But, the thing they don’t tell you is how precarious this configuration is, how it can all fall out of alignment at any second. Imagine a steel tightrope with everything perfectly balanced on this sturdy, but still pretty vulnerable wire; this was how my life seemed to me. Maybe I had been too smug, too content, but with the gift of hindsight I could see how a gust of wind, a heavy bird plonking its feathered butt on the high line, or even a slip of the tongue and a secret that was never meant to be shared, could cause all the elements that had previously been so perfectly positioned to tumble and free-fall from a dizzying height to the ground. How could I have known that the laws of physics – or whatever it was that had caused this chain of events – would be the start of the stars falling out of alignment, the start of everything going so very very wrong? How naïve I was.

*

Of course, these thoughts were far from my mind as I went to meet my best friend the next day to fill her in on the drama of discovering the ring, the upcoming proposal and the monstrous dining table taking over my lounge. With all that had happened yesterday – including Ben and me having a silly, bickering row over the sodding table and its elephantine dimensions, ending with me telling him that size does matter – I hadn’t given much thought to what discovering this engagement ring actually meant for us.

Of course, I’d be lying if I told you that I hadn’t, at various times since we met, imagined the wedding day that Ben and I might have. Him in a cool linen suit with his freckled nose, me in a simple but stunning long, floaty dress, both promising our vows as we stared adoringly at each other on an exotic, cashmere-soft, sandy beach. I’d imagined how he would be as a father: kind but fair, hands-on but not smothering.

As fun as these daydreams were – strangely I was always a slimmer, swishy-haired version of myself – we’d never really had deep discussions about babies and weddings. There had been light-hearted jokes at unusual baby names – Ben was on a one-man mission to bring back the name Roy, and I had laughed, but secretly hoped he’d been joking, just in case. But having children and marrying each other wasn’t completely outside the realm of possibility. I mean, we had successfully navigated working together as we ran our ever-growing travel and tour agency for broken-hearted singles, and so far living together had been a sickeningly easy breeze; but neither of us had spoken about marriage being on the cards. At least, not yet.

In a way I was grateful that I’d made the shocking ring discovery, to give me some time to get my head around the idea and figure out if I thought we were in the place Ben so obviously thought we were. Not that I didn’t want to marry my clever, kind, good-looking, amazing-in-the-bedroom boyfriend, of course, but because I’d been so badly burned after ending up a jilted bride before. I was meant to have married my ex, Alex; we’d had everything planned, paid for and organised but just before the big day he had revealed that he had been cheating on me and called the whole thing off. Him uttering those painful words ‘I can’t marry you’, had brought about the biggest change in my life.

I had gone backpacking, met Ben, fallen in love, started my own business and truly found that travel did heal a broken heart. I now believed that what Alex did was the best thing that ever happened to me. Not that it wasn’t heartbreaking and difficult – I mean, what girl wants to be told by someone they love and trust that actually they weren’t worthy enough to become their wife? But, over time, I felt like I’d healed myself and I had discovered that all those irritating clichés people harp on about, like time being the best healer, actually were true.

My life was so much better now than it had ever been, thanks in a large part to Ben and the success we’d made of our joint business. Maybe the non-wedding with Alex was all part of the plan – the rehearsal, if you will – for what would be the wedding of the year with Ben?

‘Will you take over pushing the buggy for a minute?’ Marie asked, breaking me from my bonkers bridal thoughts. ‘I’ve got cramp, another wonderful side effect of being with child,’ she grumbled.

We were slowly meandering around the local park – and I mean slowly; even the ducks were waddling faster than us. Marie was on her ‘get this baby out of me’ mission, and I’d completely forgotten that I’d agreed to support her until she called me this morning. Her due date was still weeks away but she was determined to deliver precisely on time. She’d been exactly the same with her toddler, Cole, her firstborn. Marie was having this baby on her due date, come hell or high water.

‘I don’t feel like I did with Cole, so I need to be upping my game to get this baby out of me,’ she said, as I took over wheeling his pushchair for a while over fallen branches and skirted round piles of dog poo. Marie had a crazed look in her eyes as she spoke. It was a look I remembered seeing when we were both eighteen and she was determined to finish the line of shots in Waverley’s bar in order to win a free T-shirt. Those luminous shooters never stood a chance.

‘Marie, it’s a baby. I know I’m not a world expert on the subject matter but don’t they kind of come when they’re ready?’

She glared at me. The mood swings were clearly still going strong. ‘Georgia Green, I may have developed haemorrhoids, darker nipples, and lost the ability to hold in my pee when I sneeze or cough or laugh, but this, this is something I know I can control.’ She looked like a determined Michelin Man under the many layers swaddling her neat bump as she waddled around.

‘I still can’t believe that you haven’t found out what you’re having.’

‘We’re having a baby, Georgia. Did no one tell you?’ She stuck her tongue out playfully.

‘Ha, bloody, ha. I mean, how have you not been desperate to know if it’s a girl or a boy? I’d certainly need to know if a teeny, weeny penis was currently growing inside me.’ I shuddered.

‘Well, we all know there have been enough of them inside me.’ She laughed, blushing at the carefree memories of her single days. ‘Nah, seriously though, I don’t want to ruin the surprise. It will make it even more magical when he or she does finally make an appearance.’ She put on that drowsy hippy voice that she used to use to imitate Lorraine with the lazy eye. Lazy-Eye Lorraine. She was an earth-mother type woman who ran the antenatal classes and got right on Marie’s nerves by implying that basically she’d been a lousy mum to Cole and that nowadays they did things differently. Everything was magical in Lorraine’s world.

Marie didn’t do ‘magical’; she did practical, and right now the most practical thing she could do was try her hardest to get her baby safely into the world on her due date. It was a mini achievement but still one way to show bog-eyed Lorraine that mummy Marie wasn’t a failure.

‘If you don’t know what you’re having then what have you been buying for it? Isn’t there some unwritten code of motherhood that you go all out and splash the cash on anything and everything pink for a girl or blue for a boy?’

Marie rolled her eyes and sighed. ‘It’s all about gender-neutral clothes for babies nowadays, so he or she is going to have a wardrobe filled with yellows, greens and whites. I just hope people will be able to tell what sex it is by the look of him, or her.’

I scoffed. ‘Well, if it was me I’d dress my baby only in teeny tiny Halloween costumes. That’s one way to do the gender-neutral look.’

She let out a burst of laughter. ‘Thank the Lord you’re not expecting then. I’m not sure how the baby would like to look back at their first year of life to realise they were dressed as a pumpkin or a bat for most of it.’

‘Yeah, maybe, but how cute! God, Marie, it’s just mad to think that soon he or she will be here sharing this buggy with Cole.’ I felt this strange tingle in my chest as I said it. Everything was changing. My best friend’s life would never be the same again. When she was pregnant with Cole we had spent ages imagining what he would be like, how he would grow into an actual person with a personality, and what becoming a mum, rather than just being Marie, would be like. I guess a small and selfish part of me had worried that I’d be sidelined from our friendship once she had this other human who was the complete centre of her world. How could her best friend ever compete with that?

They say a mother’s love is like no other, but not having a child I could only understand that from a rational perspective. Now we were on the edge of her life changing again, but this time I was less concerned with how I was going to fit in, and instead focused on the fact that my life was about to change, too.

‘I know.’ She smiled tiredly. ‘And then Operation Skinny Jeans is back on.’

I frowned at her.

‘Don’t give me that look! I’m not going to be going all A-List celeb and ping straight back but I am desperate to feel like my body is my own again. Plus, if I’m going to meet my five-year plan then I need to be getting trim for the big day.’

‘This big day that Mike knows nothing about,’ I teased, then let out a deep sigh. ‘It’s amazing to think that a few years ago we were both in such different places – and yet somehow exactly the same – as where we are now. What with you popping out sproglets and me…about to get engaged…’

It took a few moments for this to click in.

‘Oh my God! What? You’re getting married!’ Marie’s squeals made a lone dog walker jump from the other side of the lake. My ring finger throbbed in memory of the torture it had been under as she mentioned the M word.

‘Shush! You’re going to wake Cole!’ I glanced down at her toddler son, wrapped up in blankets in his buggy. He remained fast asleep with just his pink nose and angel-bud lips peeking out of the many covers she had piled on him earlier.

‘Tell me everything!’ She’d stopped in her tracks and snatched up my hand to hunt for any sign of bling. ‘Wait – where’s the ring?’

‘Well, okay, so I’m not engaged yet. But I will be…’

She stared at me, blank faced, as if I’d totally lost the plot. ‘You what?’

I sighed and told her about the trip to Ikea, the unpacking, finding the ring and damaging the nerves in my finger from the force of trying to get it off before Ben caught me.

‘Wow, so what was it like?’

‘Dreamy.’ I hugged myself without realising it.

‘Better than the last one you got?’ She raised an eyebrow.

I pulled myself together. ‘Yes, actually.’

She nodded slowly, thinking of how to word the next question. ‘Are you ready to do all of that again? You know, with what happened last time?’ she eventually asked, leaving a whisper of breath hanging in the air.

‘Yeah, course. I mean, I think so.’ She gave me a look. I stared back. ‘I love Ben, and this time it already feels so different to how I felt with Alex. It’s like I’ve grown up and realised what’s actually important in a relationship. Plus, I just know myself so much better – I know what I want now. I am so different from old Georgia, it’s like I finally know who I am. At least, I think so. It has come as a bit of a surprise.’

‘You think so? Georgia, this is a big deal. You need to be sure.’ She paused. ‘I’m only asking because I was the one who saw how everything collapsed the last time. I never ever want that to happen to you again.’ She visibly shuddered.

I stuck my chest out. ‘It won’t. Ben loves me, and he obviously thinks we’re ready for this otherwise he wouldn’t have gone to the trouble of buying the ring –’

‘I just worry about you that’s all.’

I looked down at her swollen tummy. ‘Well, that makes two of us.’

‘You know I love Ben, and I think it’s great that you’re living together, but don’t you want to, I don’t know, just enjoy that part rather than dive headfirst into the crazy world of weddings?’ She must have caught my expression as she hastily added, ‘I’m thrilled for you – well I will be when it actually happens – it’s just I don’t want you to feel like you’re being rushed into big decisions all because you’ve seen a lovely shiny ring.’

‘He does have very good taste in jewellery,’ I mused. ‘I’m joking – it’s not just about the ring. I understand what you’re saying, it was a shock for me too. Of course, someday I could see us taking that big step, I just hadn’t realised that Ben’s someday was now.’

‘I also think you need to consider how this might affect Lonely Hearts, how your team will feel working for a husband and wife and the marital dramas that could spill over into your business decisions…’

I’d spoken to Marie many a time about how even though business-wise we were as thick as thieves, in terms of our relationship I sometimes struggled making it less about work and more about us. It was a hard balance made even harder when Ben was the type of person who kept his cards close to his chest, especially where his family were concerned. I still hadn’t even met any of the Stevens clan, something that would surely have to change before our big day.

I blew on my fingertips for warmth. A puff of breath, like smoke from a Heston Blumenthal recipe, escaped. ‘I guess it’s something we need to consider. I know we’re both focused on making sure we don’t only talk about work but it’s easier said than done, especially with him being so keen on us expanding to London.’

‘You not a fan of cockneys?’

I laughed. ‘It’s not that! It’s nothing against London or Londoners, it’s just a big decision and one I don’t think we’re ready for just yet. Yes, it could bring about a lot of money and new opportunities, but as much as the business is growing and making a healthy profit with the Manchester store, I don’t know if it would pay off taking on the stress and risk of having another venue in another city. Ben’s a dreamer, and he’s adamant it will work, whereas I’m trying to be more rational before making a call on it. It’s been hard recently, as this is the one area we don’t see eye to eye on.’

‘Bigger doesn’t always mean better,’ she said, then clapped her hand to her mouth. ‘Unless you’re pregnant!’

‘Yeah.’ I smiled and shook my head, also thinking about the gigantic dining-room table that had taken over our flat. ‘I don’t know. This London move is one decision, and a blooming big one at that, where we’re not singing from the same hymn sheet.’

‘I don’t know what the hell that means, but it sounds like you’re not exactly ready to be getting married to Ben if you can’t even agree on the direction you take your business.’ She raised her eyebrows and pulled her coat tighter. ‘It sounds to me like you need a plan. I know how much you love them!’

‘What, a plan to get my boyfriend to open up more and convince him the London move is not a good idea, well not any time soon anyway?’

Marie shrugged. ‘Maybe you need to get away from things for a bit? I don’t know, take a holiday or something before you make any big decisions on London or on your future as a couple. That way you can get out of Manchester and maybe by having a change of scene it will be easier for you to talk about where you’re going with this, and decide whether you’re ready to commit to him for ever and make lots of model good-looking babies?’

I scoffed. ‘I’ll leave the baby making to you for the time being. Although a holiday on some exotic, sun-drenched beach sounds idyllic right now.’ I nodded at the pathetic and unloved playground we’d made our way towards. A chipped and forlorn swing set wafted in the cold breeze; thankfully Cole was still in the land of nod, saving us from spending longer than needed in this depressing place. Is there anything sadder than a children’s play area without children playing in it? In the dull grey light, it seemed even more unloved, especially when framed by the lake with empty crisp packets and cans of Stella bobbing on the surface of the murky waters.

‘Hmm. You keep telling yourself that. I know you don’t want to hear it but your biological clock will soon be saying another thing.’

‘You’re sounding like my parents.’ I laughed and hooked my arm into hers for extra warmth. ‘So, back to you, are you getting nervous for the big day?’

‘What, the wedding?’ She looked at me in surprise.

‘No!’ I slapped a gloved hand to my forehead. What was it with all this wedding talk? ‘Marie, there is no wedding until you get engaged first.’

‘Oh yeah.’ She shrugged. ‘That’s just a slight bump in the road. Mike will ask me. I bet there’s been some scientific tests done to prove that more couples get engaged just after they’ve had a baby than at any other time in a relationship. I mean, at that point, the guys are just in total awe of you for pushing out their child in one piece from your lady parts. You can do no wrong.’

‘I have no doubt that he’ll be putting a ring on your finger before this year is out. But no, I was talking about the actual birth. Are you not slightly cacking your pants in fear of doing all that again?’ I rubbed her arms that had tensed against the bars of the pushchair. Cole’s birth hadn’t been easy. There had been complications and we had very nearly lost the pair of them, something that we’d long brushed under the carpet but that still sent a chill down my spine when I thought about it.

I’d never seen my best friend so distraught as when her newborn son was kept under observation for a few days after his dramatic arrival, and despite making what the doctors classed as a miraculous and speedy recovery herself, she had been in pieces that she was to blame for his terrifying entrance into the world. She’d tortured herself by staring at his tiny, fragile body attached to tubes and wires in the incubator, repeating that she hadn’t taken good enough care of herself during the pregnancy, that because she didn’t find out she was expecting until she was fourteen weeks gone, she had caused too much irreversible damage by drinking on a couple of nights out that we’d been on.

It was all bollocks, and the doctors could tell her until they were blue in the face that no one was to blame, it was just one of those things, but until Cole had grown strong enough to leave the sterile incubator and come home she didn’t dare relax. This was why she’d been so strict with herself during this pregnancy; everything had to be done by the book. It was something Mike had lost patience with a few times, telling her to stop stressing and start enjoying the whole thing, but Marie had been steadfast that this birth was going to make up for the experience she’d had with Cole – that it was going to go to plan and be as perfect as it could be.

I couldn’t tell if it was the grubby light of the park or if she had suddenly gone very pale. ‘Nah.’ She brushed a strand of her ruby-red hair off her face and swallowed.

‘Marie? It’s okay to be frightened,’ I said softly.

She stopped waddling and turned to face me. Tears had pricked her tired eyes and the tip of her nose was a raspberry pink from the cold air. ‘I’m shitting myself, Georgia. But I can’t let myself be scared. I’ve done it once so I know the score, but in a way that’s made it even more terrifying as I know exactly what to expect and, ignore the awful pun, but it’s not a walk in the park.’ She let out a laugh that I didn’t recognise as hers. Suddenly my bolshie fiery redhead regressed to the skinny-legged teen desperate to be an A plus student that I knew and loved. I wrapped my arms around her, difficult to do with the many layers she had on and the large bump between us.

‘It’s okay to be scared. But you’re going to nail it. I know you are.’

She sniffed and wiped her nose on the sleeve of her coat. ‘Thanks. I hope you’re right. Everyone says it’s worth the pain for what you get at the end of it, and I know that’s true, but at the same time it really fucking hurts! That’s what I mean about my body not being my own. I have no control over what’s going to happen to it when I go into labour and I just have to hope that it’ll do what it’s biologically designed to.’

I nodded fervently. ‘You will be amazing. Mike will probably propose to you right then and there at seeing what an awesome gift you’ve given him.’

Her lips curled into a slow smile. ‘It will get me out of doing the chores for a good couple of months, at the very least.’

I shook my head. ‘I seriously don’t know how you’re going to do it with two children under the age of four! I mean, I find just being in charge of me exhausting.’ I wished that I was half joking about this. ‘Stop laughing, I’m being serious! I still get spots, I use Google to find the answers to things way more than I probably should, and I don’t know how to correctly pronounce quinoa or what the hell it even is. Then here’s you totally nailing the yummy mummy thing. Soon you’ll be all National Trust memberships, Saabs and Waitrose cards!’

She laughed and patted my arm. ‘I doubt it! Anyway, your life is great, you know it is. It makes me jealous to remember being able to book a last-minute holiday, head out for drinks on a weeknight or even leave the house without some military-style plan. Just don’t leave it too long till you join my club. I mean maybe Lazy-Eye Lorraine is right. This whole birth thing is just so bloody magical.’

We both broke into peals of laughter and picked up our pace to head back to hers for a steaming mug of tea and some chocolate Hobnobs. As we trudged down the muddy path to the main road I just wasn’t sure why I felt niggling doubts creeping in. I loved hanging out with my best friend but she did have a habit of speaking the truth; at times this dose of reality was hard to swallow. Maybe Marie was right, maybe I shouldn’t think about marrying Ben when there were so many unanswered questions between us.

All the talk of babies made me feel itchy, a feeling that made me realise I wasn’t ready for children, not just yet, but marriage wasn’t a complete no-no. Although maybe Marie was right: as loved up as I felt we had only just moved in together and were still discovering things about each other. Maybe I needed to silence the ding dong of wedding bells in my head and think rationally about what this engagement would mean for us and the changes it would cause. When things were going so well why did any of it have to change?