Лучшие смешные рассказы / Best Funny Stories

It was a glorious spring afternoon. The courts were crowded. The red earth and the green grass formed a background against which the women, in their new Parisian toilets,^[24] under their bright parasols, stood out like moving flowers. The whole atmosphere was delightful.

Just nearby a group of peasants were working in the field. An old woman and a young girl, with ropes about their shoulders, were drawing a harrow,^[25] an old man was guiding them. They paused for a moment at the wire fencing, and looked through. It was an odd contrast; the two worlds divided by the wire fencing – so slight, almost invisible. The girl swept the sweat from her face with her hand; the woman pushed back her grey locks underneath the handkerchief about her head; the old man stood himself with some difficulty. So they stood for a minute, gazing with quiet faces through that slight fencing.

Was there any thought, I wonder, passing through their brains? The young girl – she was very nice in spite of her ugly garments. The woman – she had a wonderfully fine face: clear, calm eyes under a square broad brow.

The old man bent again over the guiding ropes. They moved forward up the hill. It is Anatole France,^[26] I think, who says: Society is based^[27] upon the patience of the poor.

Упражнения

1. Выберите правильный вариант:

1. Baseball is gaining favour more and more throughout Europe.

2. Hockey is gaining favour more and more throughout Europe.

3. Football is gaining favour more and more throughout Europe.

4. Basketball is gaining favour more and more throughout Europe.

ОТВЕТ:

Football is gaining favour more and more throughout Europe.

2. Who won greater applause from the crowd?

1. Adams

2. Tammas

3. Anatole France

4. Doherty

ОТВЕТ: Doherty

3. Who does not understand how to play?

1. The Englishman

2. The Frenchman

3. The German

4. The Spanishman

ОТВЕТ: The Englishman

4. How many peasants were working in the field?

1. One

2. Two

3. Three

4. Four

ОТВЕТ: Three

5. What is a club?

1. It is a round object.

2. It is a stick used to hit a golf ball.

3. It is a piece of equipment used to play tennis.

4. It is a hollow rubber ball.

ОТВЕТ: It is a stick used to hit a golf ball.

6. What does an English novelist do?

1. He teaches English.

2. He plays golf.

3. He writes novels.

4. He reads novels.

ОТВЕТ: He writes novels.

7. Выберите правильный вариант:

1. Tennis and the ministry don’t seem to go together.

2. Golf and shopping don’t seem to go together.

3. Football and the ministry don’t seem to go together.

4. Golf and the ministry don’t seem to go together.

ОТВЕТ: Golf and the ministry don’t seem to go together.

8. What does the Frenchman prefers to play with?

1. The Frenchman prefers to play with his head.

2. The Frenchman prefers to play with his legs.

3. The Frenchman prefers to play with his hands.

4. The Frenchman prefers to play with his fingers.

ОТВЕТ: The Frenchman prefers to play with his head.

9. Where did a young couple go for their honeymoon?

1. to Belgium

2. to England

3. to Scotland

4. to France

ОТВЕТ: to Scotland

10. Выберите нужный глагол:

At dinner-time he noticed that it seemed a pretty place they __________ found, and suggested to stay there another day.

1. had

2. have

3. will

4. are

ОТВЕТ: had

11. Выберите нужные глаголы:

Fat men, between paroxysms of coughing, _______ you of the goals they _______ when they were extraordinary forwards.

1. told, score

2. tell, score

3. had told, scored

4. tell, scored

ОТВЕТ: tell, scored

12. Выберите нужный предлог:

He makes a life-long labour _________ his sport, and to it sacrifices mind and body.

1. by

2. at

3. of

4. with

ОТВЕТ: of

13. Ответьте на вопросы:

1. Who tells the story?

2. What is the name of the famous French writer mentioned in the story?

3. What have you learned about golf?

4. What do you like and what don’t you like in golf?

5. What would you do if you were playing golf?

6. What is the end of the story?

7. How can you explain the title of the story?

8. Retell the story.

14. Заполните таблицу:

ОТВЕТ:

Should We Say What We Think, or Think What We Say?

A mad friend of mine says that the main word of the age is Make-Believe.^[28] He claims that all social intercourse is founded on make-believe. A servant enters to say that Mr. and Mrs. Bore are in the living-room.

“Oh, damn!” says the man.

“Hush!” says the woman. “Shut the door, Susan.^[29] How often am I to tell you never to leave the door open?”

The man creeps upstairs on tiptoe and enters his study room. The woman tries not to show her feelings, and then enters the living-room with a smile. She looks as if an angel has arrived. She says how delighted she is to see the Bores – how good it was of them to come. Why did they not bring more Bores with them? Where is naughty Bore junior? Why does he never come to see her now? She will have to be really angry with him. And sweet little Flossie^[30] Bore? Too young to visit friends! Nonsense.

The Bores, who had hoped that she was not at home – who have only come because the etiquette book told them that they had to come at least four times in the season, explain how they have been trying and trying to come.

“This afternoon,” says Mrs. Bore, “we decided to come for sure. ‘John, dear,’ I said this morning, ‘I shall go and see dear Mrs. Bounder this afternoon, no matter what happens.’”

It looks like the Prince of Wales,^[31] who wanted to visit the Bores, was told that he could not come in. He might call again in the evening or come some other day.

That afternoon the Bores were going to enjoy themselves in their own way;^[32] they were going to see Mrs. Bounder.

“And how is Mr. Bounder?” asks Mrs. Bore.

Mrs. Bounder remains mute for a moment. She can hear how he goes downstairs. She hears how the front door softly opens and closes.

And thus it is, not only with the Bores and Bounders, but even with us who are not Bores or Bounders. Any society is founded on the make-believe that everybody is charming; that we are delighted to see everybody; that everybody is delighted to see us; that it is so good of everybody to come; that we are desolate at the thought that they really must go now.

What will we prefer – to stop and finish our cigar or to hasten into the living-room to hear Miss Screecher’s songs? Miss Screecher does not want to sing; but if we insist – We do insist. Miss Screecher consents. We are trying not to look at one another. We sit and examine the ceiling. Miss Screecher finishes, and rises.

“But it was so short,” we say. Is Miss Screecher sure that was the end? Didn’t she miss a verse? Miss Screecher assures us that the fault is the composer’s.^[33] But she knows another. So our faces lighten again with gladness.

Our host’s wine is always the best we have ever tasted. No, not another glass; we dare not – doctor’s orders, very strict. Our host’s cigar! We did not know they made such cigars in this world. No, we really cannot smoke another. Well, if he insists, may we put it in our pocket? The truth is, we do not like to smoke.

Our hostess’s coffee! Will she tell us her secret?

The baby! The usual baby – we have seen it. To be honest, we do not like babies a lot. But this baby! It is just the kind we wanted for ourselves.

Little Janet’s recitation:^[34] “A Visit to the Dentist”! This is genius, surely. She must train for the stage. Her mother does not like the stage. But the theatre will lose such talent.

Every bride is beautiful. Every bride looks charming in a simple dress of – for further particulars see local papers. Every marriage is a cause for universal rejoicing. With our wine-glass in our hand we picture the best life for them. How can it be otherwise? She, the daughter of her mother. (Cheers.) He – well, we all know him. (More cheers.)

We carry our make-believe even into our religion. We sit in church, and say to the God, that we are miserable worms – that there is no good in us. It does us no harm, we must do it anyway.