A Leader's Description of His Followers
Old John Cameron was leader of a small quadrille band in Edinburgh, the performances of which were certainly not the very finest.
Being disappointed on one occasion of an engagement at a particular ball, he described his more fortunate but equally able brethren in the following terms: "There's a Geordie Menstrie, he plays rough, like a man sharpening knives wi' yellow sand. Then there's Jamie Corri, his playin's like the chappin' o' mince-collops – sic short bows he tak's. And then there's Donald Munro, his bass is like wind i' the lum, or a toom cart gaun down Blackfriars' Wynd!"
It Takes Two To Fight
A physician at Queensferry was once threatened with a challenge. His method of receiving it was at once cool and incontrovertible.
"Ye may challenge me if ye like," said he; "but whether or no, there'll be nae fecht,
unless I gang out
."
"What's the Lawin', Lass?"
The following dialogue occurred in a little country inn, not so long ago as the internal evidence might lead one to suppose. The interlocutors are an English tourist and a smart young woman, who acted as waitress, chambermaid, boots, and everybody else, being the man and the maid of the inn at the same time:
Tourist
: Come here, if you please.
Jenny
: I was just coming ben to you, sir.
Tourist
: Well, now, mistress.
Jenny
: I'm no' the mistress; I'm only the lass, an' I'm no' married.
Tourist
: Very well, then, miss.
Jenny
: I'm no' a miss; I'm only a man's dochter.
Tourist
: A man's daughter?
Jenny
: Hoot, ay, sir; didna ye see a farm as ye came up yestreen, just three parks aff?
Tourist
: It is very possible; I do not remember.
Jenny
: Weel, onyway, it's my faither's.
Tourist
: Indeed!
Jenny
: Ay, it's a fact.
Tourist
: Well, that fact being settled, let us proceed to business. Will you let me see your bill?
Jenny
: Our Bill. Ou, ay, Wully we ca' him, but I ken wha you mean – he's no in e'en now.
Tourist
: Wully! what I want is my account – a paper stating what I have had, and how much I have to pay.
Jenny
: Did ony woman ever hear the like o' that – ye mean the lawin', man! But we keep nae accounts here; na, na, we hae ower muckle to dae.
Tourist
: And how do you know what to charge?
Jenny
: On, we just put the things down on the sclate, and tell the customers the tottle by word o' mouth.
Tourist
: Just so. Well, will you give me the lawin', as I am going?
Jenny
: Oh, sir, ye're jokin' noo! It's you maun gie me the lawin' – the lawin's the siller.
Tourist
: Oh, indeed, I beg your pardon; how much is it?
Jenny
: That's just what I was coming ben to tell you, sir. If ye had ask'd me first, or waited till I tell't ye, I wadna hae keepit ye a minute. We're no blate at askin' the lawin', although some folk are unco' slow at payin' o't. It's just four-and-six.
Tourist
: That is very moderate; there is five shillings.
Jenny
: Thank you, sir; I hope we hae a sixpence in the house, for I wadna' like to gie bawbees to a gentleman.
Tourist
: No, no; the sixpence is for yourself.
Jenny
: Oh, sir, it's ower muckle.
Tourist
: What, do you object to take it?
Jenny
: Na, na, sir; I wouldna' put that affront upon ye. But I'll gie ye a bit o' advice for't. When ye're gaun awa' frae an inn in a hurry, dinna be fashin' yersel' wi' mistresses, and misses, and bills; but just say, "What's the lawin', lass?"
Meanness versus Crustiness
A rather mean and parsimonious old lady called one day upon David Dreghorn, a well-known Glasgow fishmonger, saying, "Weel, Maister Dreghorn, how are ye selling your half salmon the noo?"
David being in a rather cross humor, replied, "When we catch ony half salmon, mem, we'll let ye ken!"
Speeding the Parting Guest
It is related of a noble Scottish lady of the olden time, who lived in a remote part of the Highlands, and was noted for her profuse liberality, that she was some times overburdened with habitual "sorners." When any one of them outstayed his welcome, she would take occasion to say to him at the morning meal, with an arch look at the rest of the company, "Mak' a guid breakfast, Mr. – , while ye're about it; ye dinna ken whaur ye'll get your dinner." The hint was usually taken, and the "sorner" departed.
"Things Which Accompany Salvation"
"What d'ye think o' this great revival that's gaun on the noo, Jamie?" asked a grocer of a brother tradesman.
"Weel," answered Jamie, "I canna say muckle about it, but I ken this – I hae gotten in a gude wheen bawbees that I had given up lang syne as bad debts."
Lights and Livers
Lord Cockburn, when at the bar, was pleading in a steamboat collision case. The case turned on the fact of one of the steamers carrying no lights, which was the cause of the accident. Cockburn insisting on this, wound up his eloquent argument with this remark: "In fact, gentlemen, had there been more
lights
, there would have been more
livers
."
Both Short
"Ye're unco' short the day, Saunders, surely," said an undersized student to a Glasgow bookseller, one morning, when the latter was in an irritable mood.
"Od, man," was the retort, "ye may haud your tongue; ye're no' sae lang yersel'."
His Own, With "Interest"
"Coming from h – l, Lauchlan?" quoth a shepherd, proceeding on Sacrament Sunday to the Free Church, and meeting a friend coming from the Church of the Establishment.
"Better nor going to it, Rory," retorted Lauchlan, as he passed on.
"The Spigot's Oot"
Lord Airlie remarked to one of his tenants that it was a very wet season.
"Indeed, my lord," replied the man, "I think the spigot's oot a'thegither."
Looking After Himself
A canny man, who had accepted the office of elder because some wag had made him believe that the remuneration was a sixpence each Sunday and a boll of meal on New Year's Day, officially carried round the ladle each Sunday after service. When the year expired he claimed the meal, but was told that he had been hoaxed.
"It may be sae wi' the meal," he replied, coolly, "but I took care o' the saxpence mysel'."
An Epitaph to Order
The Rev. Dr. M'Culloch, minister of Bothwell at the end of last century, was a man of sterling independence and great self-decision. To a friend – Rev. Mr. Brisbane – he one day said, "You must write my epitaph if you survive me."
"I will do that," said Mr. Brisbane; "and you shall have it at once, doctor."
Next morning he received the following:
"Here lies, interred beneath this sod,
That sycophantish man of God,
Who taught an easy way to heaven,
Which to the rich was always given;
If he get in, he'll look and stare
To find some out that he put there."
A Variety Entertainment
There used to be a waggish ostler at one of the chief inns at Hertford, who delighted to make merry at the expense of any guests who gave themselves airs. The manner of the ostler was extremely deferential, and only those who knew him well were aware of the humor which almost always lurked beneath his civil replies to the questions put to him. One day a commercial traveler, a complete prig, who wanted to play the fine gentleman, entered the inn, and having despatched his dinner, rang the bell of the commercial room for "boots," who presently made his appearance, when the following colloquy took place:
Commercial
: "Dull town, this. Any amusements, Boots?"
Boots
: "Yes, sir, please, sir; Musical Conversazione over the way at the Shire Hall, sir. Half-a-crown admission, sir. Very nice, sir."
Commercial
: "Ah, nice music, I dare say; I don't care for such things. Is there nothing else, Boots?"
Boots
: "Yes, sir, please, sir; Popular Entertainment at Corn Exchange, admission one penny; gentlemen pay sixpence to front seats, sir, if they please, sir."
Commercial
: "Intensely vulgar! Are there no other amusements in this confoundedly dull town?"
Boots
: "Yes, sir, please sir; railway station at each end of the town – walk down and see the trains come in."
A Descriptive Hymn
A minister in Orkney having been asked by the Rev. Mr. Spark, minister of St. Magnus, to conduct service in his church, and also to baptize his infant daughter, gave out for singing, before the baptismal service, a portion of the fifth paraphrase, beginning:
"As
sparks
in quick succession rise."
As Mr. Spark's help-mate was a fruitful vine, and presented him with a pledge of her affection every year, the titter among the congregation was unmistakable and irresistible.
A Vigorous Translation
"What is the meaning of
ex nihilo nihil fit
?" asked a Highlander of a village schoolmaster.
"Weel, Donald," answered the dominie, "I dinna mind the literal translation; but it just means that ye canna tak' the breeks aff a Highland-man."
"Before the Provost!"
The magistrates of the Scottish burghs, though respectable men, are generally not the wealthiest in their respective communities. And it sometimes happens, in the case of very poor and remote burghs, that persons of a very inferior station alone can be induced to accept the uneasy dignity of the municipal chair.
An amusing story is told regarding the town of L – , in B – shire, which is generally considered as a peculiarly miserable specimen of these privileged townships. An English gentleman approaching L – one day in a gig, his horse started at a heap of dry wood and decayed branches of trees, which a very poor-looking old man was accumulating upon the road, apparently with the intention of conveying them to town for sale as firewood. The stranger immediately cried to the old man, desiring him in no very civil terms, to clear the road that his horse might pass. The old man, offended at the disrespectful language of the complainant, took no notice of him, but continued to hew away at the trees.
"You old dog," the gentleman then exclaimed, "I'll have you brought before the provost, and put into prison for your disregard of the laws of the road."
"Gang to the de'il, man, wi' your provost!" the woodcutter contemptuously replied; "I'm provost mysel'."
Denominational Graves
For a short time after the disruption, an unkindly feeling existed between the ministers of the Established Church and their protesting brethren. Several "free" parishioners of Blackford, Perthshire, waited on Mr. Clark, the established minister, and requested that they might have the services of a non-Erastian sexton.
"Will you allow us, sir," said one of the deputation, "to dig our own graves?"
"Certainly, gentlemen," said Mr. Clark, "you are most welcome; and the sooner the better!"
Escaping Punishment
An active-looking boy, aged about twelve years, was brought up before Provost Baker, at the Rutherglen Burgh Court, charged with breaking into gardens and stealing fruit therefrom. The charge having been substantiated, the magistrate, addressing the juvenile offender, said in his gravest manner: "If you had a garden, and pilfering boys were to break into and steal your property, in what way would you like to have them punished?"
"Aweel, sir," replied the prisoner, "I think I would let them awa' for first time."
It is needless to add that the worthy provost was mollified, and that the little fellow was dismissed with an admonition.
Passing Remarks
"There she goes," sneered an Englishman, as a Highlander marched past in his tartans at a fair.
"There she lies," retorted Duncan, as he knocked the scorner down at a blow.
Scottish Vision and Cockney Chaff
Two sharp youths from London, while enjoying themselves among the heather in Argylshire, met with a decent-looking shepherd upon the top of a hill. They accosted him by remarking: "You have a fine view here, friend; you will be able to see a great way."
"Ou, ay, ou, ay, a ferry great way."
"Ah! you will see America from here?"
"Farther than that," said Donald.
"Ah! how's that?"
"Ou, juist wait till the mists gang awa', an' you'll see the mune!"
"The," and "The Other"
When the chief of the Scottish clan, Macnab, emigrated to Canada with a hundred clansmen, he, on arriving at Toronto, called on his namesake, the late Sir Allen, and left his card as "
The
Macnab." Sir Allen returned his visit, leaving as his card, "The
other
Macnab."
"Old Clo'"
Christopher North had a great hatred of the "old clo'" men who infest the streets. Coming from his class one day, a shabby Irishman asked him in the usual confidential manner, "Any old clo', sir?"
"No;" replied the professor, imitating the whisper; "no, my dear fellow, – have you?"
Church Popularity
"How is it, John," said a minister to his man, "that you never go a message for me anywhere in the parish but you contrive to take too much spirits? People don't offer
me
spirits when I'm making visits in the parish."
"Weel, sir," said John, "I canna precisely explain it, unless on the supposition that I'm a wee bit mair popular wi' some o' the folks maybe than you are."
Wersh Parritch and Wersh Kisses
Kirsty and Jenny, two country lassies, were supping their "parritch" from the same bicker in the harvest-field one morning.
"Hech," said Kirsty to her neighbor, "Jenny, but thae's awfu' wersh parritch!"
"'Deed are they," said Jenny, "they are that. D'ye ken what they put me in mind o'? Just o' a kiss frae a body that ye dinna like."
A Stranger in the Court of Session
The "Daft Highland Laird," a noted character in Edinburgh at the latter end of last century, one day accosted the Hon. Henry Erskine, as he was entering the Parliament House. Erskine inquired of the "laird" how he did.
"Oh, very well!" answered the laird; "but I'll tell ye what, Harry, tak' in
Justice
wi' ye," pointing to one of the statues over the old porch of the House; "for she has stood lang i' the outside, and it would be a treat to see her inside, like other strangers!"
Wit and Humor Under Difficulties
Sandy Gordon, the town-crier of Maybole, was a character in his way. At one period of his life he had been an auctioneer and appraiser, although his "louring drouth" interfered sadly with the business, but neither poverty nor misfortune could blunt Sandy's relish for a joke. One day, going down the street he encountered his son riding on an ass.
"Weel, Jock," quoth he, "you're a riding on your brither."
"Ay, father," rejoined the son, "I didna ken this was ane o' yours tae. "
At a neighboring village he had one day sold his shoes to slake his thirst. After the transaction he was discovered seated on the roadside, gazing on his bare feet, and soliloquizing in this strain – "Step forrit, barefit Gordon, if it's no'
on
you, it's
in
you."
He was once taking a walk into the country, when he met Sir David Hunter Blair.
"Where are you for to-day, Gordon?" asked the baronet.
"Sir David," rejoined the crier, with some dignity, "if I was to ask that of you, you would say I was ill-bred."
He had the misfortune once to break his leg in a drunken brawl, and a hastily constructed litter was improvised to carry him home. Still his characteristic humor did not leave him. "Canny boys," he would cry to those carrying him, "keep the funeral step; tak' care o' my pipe; let oor Jock tae the head, he's the chief mourner."
An Affectionate Aunt
A plain-spoken old Scottish lady, Mrs. Wanchope, of Nibbey, being very ill, sent for Aunt Soph and said to her: "Soph, I believe I am dying; will you be always kind to my children when I am gone?"
"Na, na; tak' yer spoilt deevils wi' ye," was the reply, "for I'll hae naething ado wi' them!"
A Discerning Fool
"Jock, how auld will ye be?" said a sage wife to daft Jock Amos one day, when talking of their ages.
"O, I dinna ken," said Jock; "it would tak' a wiser head than mine to tell you that."
"It's an unco' queer thing you dinna ken hoo auld you are," returned the woman.
"I ken weel eneuch how auld I
am
," answered Jock; "but I dinna ken how auld
I'll be
." [
24
]
A Law of Nature
Principal Hill once encountered a fierce onslaught from the Rev. James Burn in the General Assembly. When Mr. Burn had concluded his attack, the professor rose, and said with a smile: "Moderator, we all know that it is most natural that
Burns
should
run down Hills
."
The laugh was effectually raised against his opponent, whose arguments and assertions he then proceeded to demolish at his leisure.
Ingenious Remedy for Ignorance
When a former Prince of Wales was married, a Highland minister at Greenock was praying for the happiness and welfare of the royal couple. He was somewhat embarrassed as to how he should join the two names, but at length he got over it thus:
"Lord bless
her
royal highness the Prince of Wales, and
his
royal highness the
she
prince!"
Highland "Warldliness"
At a breakfast there was abundance of Highland cheer, towering dishes of scones, oatcakes, an enormous cheese, fish eggs and a monstrous grey-beard of whiskey ready, if required; fumes of tobacco were floating in the air, and the whole seemed an embodiment of the Highlander's grace, "Oh, gie us rivers of whiskey, chau'ders o' snuff, and tons o' tobacco, pread an' a cheese as pig as the great hill of Ben Nevis, and may our childer's childer be lords and lairds to the latest sheneration." On repeating this grace to an old hillsman of eighty, leaning on his stick, he thoughtfully answered: "Weel, it's a goot grace – a very goot grace – but it's a warldly thing!"
A Paradox
On Henry Erskine being told that Knox, who had long derived his livelihood by keeping the door of the Parliament House, had been killed by a shot from a small cannon on the king's birthday, he observed that "it was remarkable that a man should live by the civil and die by the can(
n
)on law."
A Sensible Lass
A Scottish gentleman, while walking in a meadow with some ladies, had the impudence to snatch a kiss from one, unperceived by the rest. She said indignantly, "Sir, I am not accustomed to such freedom."
"It will be the greater rarity, then, madam."
She flew from him, and ran towards her mother, who, alarm