Drunken Wit
The late Rev. Mr. Neal, one of the ministers of the West Church, when taking a walk in the afternoon, saw an old woman sitting by the roadside evidently much intoxicated, with her bundle lying before her in the mud. He immediately recognized her to be one of his parishioners.
"Will you just help me with my bundle, gudeman?" said she, as he stopped.
"Fie, fie, Janet," said the pastor, "to see the like o' you in such a plight. Do you not know where all drunkards go to?"
"Ah, sure," said Janet, "they just go whaur a drap o' gude drink is to be got."
Popularity Tested by the Collection
The late Dr. Cook, of Addington, after assisting the late Dr. Forsyth, of Morham, at a communion service, repaired as usual to the manse. While in the enjoyment of a little social intercourse, the minister of Morham – which, by the way, is one of the smallest parishes in Scotland – quietly remarked to his brother divine: "Doctor, you must be a very popular man in the parish." "Ay," replied the doctor, "how's that?" "Why," rejoined the other, "our usual collection is threepence, but to-day it is ninepence!" "Eh, is that all?" said Dr. Cook, "then wae's me for my popularity, for I put in the extra sixpence myself!"
An "Exceptional" Prayer
A minister in the North, returning thanks in his prayers one Sabbath for the excellent harvest, began as usual, "O Lord, we thank Thee," etc., and went on to mention the abundance of the harvest and its safe ingathering; but feeling anxious to be quite candid and scrupulously truthful, added, "all except a few fields between this and Stonehaven not worth mentioning."
"Verra Weel Pitched"
A Scotchman was riding a donkey one day across a sheep pasture, but when the animal came to a sheep drain he would not go over. So the man rode back a short distance, turned, and applied the whip, thinking, of course, that the donkey, when at the top of his speed, would jump the drain. But when the donkey got to the drain he stopped sharply and the man went over his head and cleared the drain. No sooner had he touched the ground than he got up, and, looking the beast straight in the face, said: "Verra weel pitched, but, then, hoo are ye goin' to get ower yersel'?"
An Out-of-the-Way Reproof
King James I, being one day in the North, a violent tempest burst loose and a church being the nearest building, his majesty took shelter there, and sat down in an obscure and low seat. The minister had just mounted the pulpit and soon recognized the king, notwithstanding his plain costume. He commenced his sermon, however, and went on with it logically and quietly, but at last, suddenly starting off at a tangent, he commenced to inveigh most violently against the habit of swearing, and expatiated on this subject till the end of his discourse.
After the sermon was ended the king had his dinner, to which he invited the minister, and when the bottle had circulated for a while: "Parson," says the king, "why didst thou flee so from thy text?"
"If it please your majesty," was the reply, "when you took the pains to come so far out of your way to hear me, I thought it very good manners for me to step a little way out of my text to meet with your majesty."
"By my saul, mon," exclaimed James, "and thou hast met with me so as never mon did."
It will be remembered that James I was notorious for cursing and swearing, in a manner almost verging on blasphemy. [9]
A Castle Stor(e)y
A Glasgow antiquary recently visited an old castle, and asked one of the villagers if he knew anything of an old story about the building.
"Ay," said the rustic, "there was another auld storey, but it fell down lang since."
A Satisfactory Explanation
A trial took place before a bailie, who excelled more as a citizen than as a scholar. A witness had occasion to refer to the testimony of a man who had died recently, and he spoke of him frequently as the defunct.
Amazed at the constant repetition of a word he did not understand, the bailie petulantly said: "What's the use o' yer talkin' sae muckle aboot the man Defunct? Canna ye bring him here and let him speak for himsel'?"
"The defunct's dead, my lord," replied the witness.
"Oh, puir man, that alters the case," said the sapient administrator of the law.
Sandy's Reply to the Sheriff
Sandy Gibb, master-blacksmith in a certain town in Scotland, was summoned as a witness to the Sheriff-Court in a case of two of his workmen. The sheriff, after hearing the testimony, asked Sandy why he did not advise them to settle, seeing the costs had already amounted to three times the disputed claim. Sandy's reply was, "I advised the fules to settle, for I saw that the shirra-officer wad tak' their coates, the lawwers their sarks, an' gif they got to your lordship's haunds ye'd tear the skin aff them." Sandy was ordered to stand down.
A Grammatical Beggar
A beggar some time ago applied for alms at the door of a partisan of the Anti-begging Society. After in vain detailing his manifold sorrows, the inexorable gentleman peremptorily dismissed him: "Go away," said he, "go, we canna gie ye naething."
"You might at least," replied the mendicant, with an air of arch dignity, "have refused me grammatically."
Good Enough to Give Away
A woman entered a provision shop and asked for a pound of butter, "an' look ye here, guidman," she exclaimed, "see an' gie me it guid, for the last pound was that bad I had to gie't awa' to the wifie next door."
A Dry Preacher
On one occasion when coming to church, Dr. Macknight, who was a much better commentator than preacher, having been caught in a shower of rain, entered the vestry, soaked through. Every means were used to relieve him from his discomfort; but as the time drew on for divine service, he became very querulous, and ejaculated over and over again: "Oh! I wish that I was dry! Do you think that I am dry? Do you think that I am dry eneuch noo?" Tired by these endless complaints, his jocose colleague, Dr. Henry, the historian, at last replied: "Bide a wee, doctor, and ye'se be dry eneuch, gin ye once get into the pu'pit." [9]
A Poetical Question and Answer
Mr. Dewar, a shop-keeper at Edinburgh, being in want of silver for a bank note, went into the shop of a neighbor of the name of Scott, whom he thus addressed:
"Master Scott,
Can you change me a note?"
Mr. Scott's reply was:
"I'm not very sure, but I'll see."
Then going into his back room he immediately returned and added:
"Indeed, Mr. Dewar,
It's out of my power,
For my wife's away with the key."
Drinking by Candle Light
The taverns to which Edinburgh lawyers of a hundred years ago resorted were generally very obscure and mean – at least they would appear such now; and many of them were situated in the profound recesses of the old town, where there was no light from the sun, the inmates having to use candles continually.
A small party of legal gentlemen happened one day to drop into one of these dens; and as they sat a good while drinking, they at last forgot the time of day. Taking their impressions from the candles, they just supposed that they were enjoying an ordinary evening debauch.
"Sirs," said one of them at last, "it's time to rise; ye ken I'm a married man, and should be early at home." And so they all rose, and prepared to staggerger tavern, they suddenly found themselves projected into the blaze of a summer afternoon, and at the same time, under the gaze of a thousand curious eyes, which were directed to their tipsy and negligent figures.
Disqualified to be a Country Preacher
The gentleman who has been rendered famous by the pen of Burns, under the epithet of Rumble John, was one Sunday invited to preach in a parish church in the Carse of Stirling, where, as there had been a long course of dry weather, the farmers were beginning to wish for a gentle shower; for the sake of their crops then on the eve of being ripe. Aware of this Mr. Russell introduced a petition, according to custom, into his last prayer, for a change of weather. He prayed, it is said, that the windows of heaven might be opened, and a flood fall to fatten the ground and fulfill the hopes of the husbandmen. This was asking too much; for, in reality, nothing was wanting but a series of very gentle showers. As if to show how bad a farmer he was, a thunder storm immediately came on, of so severe a character, that before the congregation was dismissed, there was not an upright bean-stalk in the whole of the Carse. The farmers, on seeing their crops so much injured, and that apparently by the ignorance of the clergyman, shook their heads to one another as they afterwards clustered about the churchyard; and one old man was heard to remark to his wife, as he trudged indignantly out, "That lad may be very gude for the town, as they say he is, but I'm clear that he disna understan' the kintra."
Grim Humor
An English traveler was taking a walk through a Scotch fishing village, and being surprised at the temerity of the children playing about the pier, he said to a woman who stood by: "Do not the children frequently drop in?"
"Ay, ay, the fule things, they often fa' ower the pier," she answered coolly.
"God bless me! Lost of course?"
"Na, na," was the reply; "noo and then, to be sure, a bairn's drooned, but unfortunately there's maistly some idle body in the way to fish oot the deevils!"
Sabbath Zeal
The reverence for the Sabbath in Scotland sometimes takes a form one would have hardly anticipated. An old Highland man said to an English tourist: "They're a God-fearin' set o' folks here, 'deed they are, an' I'll give ye an instance o't. Last Sabbath, just as the kirk was skalin', there was a drover chiel frae Dumfries along the road, whistlin' and lookin' as happy as if it was ta middle o' ta week. Weel, sir, our laads is a God-fearin' set o' laads, and they yokit upon him an' a'most killed him."
At the End of His Tether
An old Scotch lady was told that her minister used notes. She disbelieved it. Said one: "Go into the gallery and see!"
She did so, and saw the written sermon. After the luckless preacher had concluded his reading on the last page, he said: "But I will not enlarge."
The old woman cried out from her lofty position: "Ye canna! ye canna, for yer paper's give oot!"
A Thrifty Proposal
It is said that before the opening of the Glasgow Exhibition the laying out of the garden and grounds were under discussion, and it was suggested that a gondola would look ornamental on the water.
"Well," said a member of the town council, "I think we may as well have a pair, and they might breed."
Was He a Liberal or a Tory?
A keen politician, in the City of Glasgow, heard one day of the death of a party opponent, who in a fit of a mental aberration, had shot himself. "Ah," said he, "gane awa' that way by himsel', has he? I wish that he had ta'en twa or three days' shooting among his friends before he went!"
Advice on Nursing
A bachelor of seventy and upwards came one day to Bishop Alexander, of Dunkeld, and said he wished to marry a girl of the neighborhood whom he named. The bishop, a non-juring Scottish Episcopalian of the middle of last century, and himself an old bachelor, inquired into the motive of this strange proceeding, and soon drew from the old man the awkward apology, that he married to have a nurse. Too knowing to believe such a statement, the good bishop quietly replied, "See, John, then, and make her ane."
A Critic on His Own Criticism
Lord Eldon, so remarkable for his naïf expression, being reminded, of a criticism which he had formerly made upon a picture which he himself had forgotten, inquired, "Did I say that?" "Yes." "Then if I said that," quoth the self-satisfied wit, "it was deevilish gude."
Holding A Candle to the Sun
A wet and witty barrister, one Saturday encountered an equally Bacchanalian senatorial friend, in the course of a walk to Leith. Remembering that he had a good joint of mutton roasting for dinner, he invited his friend to accompany him home; and they accordingly dined together, secundum morem solitum. After dinner was over, wine and cards commenced; and, as they were each fond of both, neither thought of reminding the other of the advance of time, till the church bell next day disturbed them in their darkened room about a quarter before eleven o'clock. The judge then rising to depart, Mr. – walked behind him to the outer door, with a candle in each hand, by way of showing him out. "Tak' care, my lord, tak' care," cried the kind host most anxiously, holding the candles out of the door into the sunny street, along which the people were pouring churchwards; "Tak' care; there's twa steps."
A False Deal
A gentleman was one night engaged with a judge in a tremendous drinking bout which lasted all night, and till within a single hour of the time when the court was to open next morning. The two cronies had little more than time to wash themselves in their respective houses when they had to meet again, in their professional capacities of judge and pleader, in the Parliament House. Mr. Clerk (afterwards Lord Eldon), it appears, had, in the hurry of his toilet, thrust the pack of cards he had been using over night into the pocket of his gown; and thus as he was going to open up the pleading, in pulling out his handkerchief, he also pulled out fifty-two witnesses of his last night's debauch, which fell scattered within the bar. "Mr. Clerk," said his judicial associate in guilt, with the utmost coolness, "before ye begin, I think ye had better take up your hand."
A Scotch Matrimonial Jubilee
Two fishwives in London were talking about the Queen's jubilee. "Eh, wumman," said one to the other, "can ye tell me what a jubilee is, for I hear a' the folks spakin' aboot it?"
"Ou, ay," replied the other, "I can tell ye that. Ye see when a man and a wumman has been marrit for five-and-twenty years, that's a silver waddin; and when they've been marrit for fifty years, that's a gouden waddin; but when the man's deed, that's a jubilee!"
A Drunkard's Thoughts
An inebriate, some time back, got into a tramcar in Glasgow, and became very troublesome to the other passengers; so much so that it was proposed to eject him. A genial and right reverend doctor, who was also a passenger took him in hand, however, and soothed him into good behavior for the rest of the journey. Before leaving, the man shook hands warmly with the doctor, after scowling at the other occupants of the car, and said: "Good-day, my freen', I see ye ken what it is to be foo'."
A Lofty "Style"
The late Mr. Andrew Balfour, one of the judges in the Commissary Court of Edinburgh, used to talk in a very pompous and inflated style of language. Having made an appointment with the late Honorable Henry Erskine, on some particular business, and failing to attend, he apologized for it, by telling the learned barrister that his brother, the Laird of Balbirnie, in passing from one of his enclosures to another, had fallen down from the stile and sprained his ankle. This trifling accident he related in language highly pedantic and bombastical. The witty advocate, with his usual vivacity, replied, "It was very fortunate for your brother, Andrew, that it was not from your style he fell, or he had broken his neck, instead of spraining his ankle!"
During the time the above-named gentleman presided in court, his sister, Miss Balfour, happened to be examined as a witness in a cause then before the court. Andrew began in his pompous way, by asking, "Woman, what is thy name? what is thy age? and where is thy usual place of residence?" To which interrogatories Miss Balfour only replied, by staring him broad in the face, when the questions were again repeated, with all the grimace and pedantry he was master of, which the lady, observing, said, "Dear me, Andrew, do ye no ken yer ain sister?" To which the judge answered, "Woman, when I sit in court I administer justice; I know no one, neither father or mother, sister or brother!"
Depression – Delight – Despair
Three boys at school, learning their catechism, the one asked the other how far he had got. To this he answered, "I'm at 'A State o' Sin and Misery.'" He then asked another what length he was, to which he replied, "I'm just at 'Effectual Calling.'" They were both anxious, of course, to learn how far he was himself, and having asked him, he answered, "Past Redemption."
An Earl's Pride and Parsimony
A late nobleman, in whose character vanity and parsimony were the most remarkable features, was, for a long time before he died, in the habit of retailing the produce of his dairy and his orchard to the children and poor people of the neighborhood. It is told, that one day observing a pretty little girl tripping through his grounds with a milk pipkin, he stooped to kiss her; after which he said, in a pompous tone, "Now, my dear, you may tell your grandchildren, and tell them in their turn to tell their grandchildren, that you had once the honor of receiving a kiss from the Right Hon – the Earl of – ." The girl looked up in his face, and, with a strange mixture of simplicity and archness, remarked, "But ye took the penny for the milk, though!"
Question and Answer
At a church in Scotland, where there was a popular call, two candidates offered to preach of the names of Adam and Low. The last preached in the morning, and took for his text, "Adam, where art thou?" He made a most excellent discourse, and the congregation were much edified. In the evening Mr. Adam preached, and took for his text, "Lo, here am I!" The impromptu and his sermon gained him the church.
Robbing "On Credit"
Soon after the battle of Preston, two Highlanders, in roaming through the south of Mid-Lothian, entered the farm-house of Swanston, near the Pentland Hills, where they found no one at home but an old woman. They immediately proceeded to search the house, and soon, finding a web of coarse home-spun cloth, made no scruple to unroll and cut off as much as they thought would make a coat for each. The woman was exceedingly incensed at their rapacity, and even had the hardihood to invoke divine vengeance upon their heads. "Ye villains!" she cried, "ye'll ha'e to account for this yet!"
"And when will we pe account for't?"
"At the last day, ye blackguards!" exclaimed the woman.
"Ta last tay!" replied the Highlander; "tat pe cood long credit – we'll e'en pe tak' a waistcoat, too!" at the same time cutting off a few additional yards of the cloth.
Taking a Light Supper
A poet being at supper where the fare was very scanty, and not of first-rate quality, said the following grace:
"O Thou, who blessed the loaves and fishes,
Look down upon these two poor dishes;
And though the 'taties be but sma',
Lord, make them large enough for a';
For if they do our bellies fill,
'Twill be a wondrous miracle!"
Rustic Notion of the Resurrection
It is the custom in Scotland for the elders to assist the minister in visiting the sick; and on such occasions they give the patient and the surrounding gossips the benefit of prayers. Being generally well acquainted in the different families, they often sit an hour or two after the sacred rites, to chat with those who are in health, and to receive the benefit of a dram. On one of these occasions in the house of Donald M'Intyre, whose wife had been confined to her fireside and armchair for many years, the elder and Donald grew unco' gracious. Glass after glass was filled from the bottle, and the elder entered into a number of metaphysical discussions, which he had heard from the minister. Among other topics was the resurrection. The elder was strenuous in support of the rising of the same body; but Donald could not comprehend how a body once dissolved in the dust could be reanimated. At last, catching what he thought a glimpse of the subject, he exclaimed, "Weel, weel, Sandy, ye're richt sae far; you and me, that are strong, healthy folk, may rise again; but that puir thing there, far she sits" (that poor thing, where she sits) "she'll ne'er rise again."
A Definition of Baptism
A Scotch clergyman, one day catechising his flock in the church, the beadle, or church officer, being somewhat ill-read in the catechism, thought it best to keep a modest place near the door, in the hope of escaping the inquisition. But the clergyman observed and called him forward. "John," said he, "what is baptism?" "Ou, sir," answered John, scratching his head, "ye ken, it's just saxpence to me, and fifteenpence to the precentor."