43
Shades of Napoleon, what have we here? Can you not Guess? Look very carefully. Ah, it is the uniform that The actor wears. What a shame! The beautiful Silk that we saw from the Audience last night has All been taken off and Turkey-red put on Instead. And the silver braid! Somebody must have Stolen it and put Common rope with Silver paper round it in Its place. Johnny, run quickly and Get the scissors and we will Cut off all this make-believe Finery so that the Actor can put on the Real thing more easily. When the Actor comes he will give Us his blessing for What we have done.
44
Let us get a Bag of Peanuts. Eat all you want to, children. They will make you grow. Throw the shells on the floor, and then Step on them. What a Pretty noise they make! See who can hit the Bald-headed man with a Peanut. Now the Man is mad. How strange.
45
Let us listen to the actor Make a speech. He is a Great actor, and will Make a Great Speech. He says he Thanks us for our Kindness. Perhaps he will lend us a Dollar. He says New York is the Only place. That is because the hens had stopped laying before he got to Philadelphia. What a Happy expression the Actor wears, and How glad he is To see us. If we do Not applaud the Rest of the Piece he will say that We are a lot of Slobs. But there are Other Actors in the show Besides this one. Yes; one of them Wrote the Speech.
46
This is the professional début of the Great amateur. She is a Pretty girl, and Her friends say she is very, Very clever. How Gracefully she Bows. Just like a Subway derrick. Her voice is like a Bell. Johnny, do you Remember the Bells on the Cows up country? You naughty boy, she does Not resemble the Cow! See; she has just come in out of the Rain. She says it is Bitt-e-r cold. She lays her Wraps before the Fire. Why does she not Shut the Window? Now she is going Out again. But why does she leave her Wraps behind? Perhaps she is going to Commit Suicide. In the Morning, when she sees the Papers, she will wish she Had. The world is very C-r-u-e-l. So are the Other papers.
47
Here we have the House manager. He says he Is being robbed. While he is in Business, he will not be lonely if that is true. He is counting up with the Show Manager. The Show manager also says he is being robbed. Why don't they go To the Police? The Show manager says there Were Nineteen tickets in the Box. The house manager says there were only Seventeen. One of the men is Lying; which one is it? Let us count the tickets and See. Oh! there are eighteen. Then they were both lying. Well, they are both Managers.
48
Now we see the Heavy lady. The manager says she is a Light weight. He calls her that Because she has asked For her Salary Twice in Two days. Will she get her Salary? No; we do not think she will. To-night she will do a Shrieking stunt on the stage. To-morrow she will Do a serio-comic on the Hotel man, and then she will Have a walking part all the way back to Broadway.
49
Here we have the First-nighter. He comes to the First performance always. The fifth row Back for his. The manager Knows him. He knows all the actors and Calls them by their first names. He would like to belong to the Lambs' Club. After the Show is over he will tell the Manager, confidentially, just what he thinks about it. The Manager will listen very carefully and then Forget. Managers have excellent forgetories. But no Play ever succeeds unless it has the approbation of the first Nighter. One of them Told me that, confidentially, so it must be so.
50
The Table is Loaded. There is a real Fowl and a Roast. It is a Banquet scene. How the actors will enjoy a square meal; they will Think they have just got their back Salaries. Listen; the leading man says it is his Birthday feast. He has a Birthday every night and twice on Saturday. Now he is carving the fowl. Oh! Oh! it is a Pasteboard chicken! The roast is all wood and paint. But the wine; that looks very real. Oh, woe! the wine is Naught but Cold tea! How cruel of the manager to Fool the actors so. The Table is loaded, but Not so the Actors. At least, not at this kind of a Table.
51
The Kind gentle lady is crying. She is the Actor's landlady. She spends half the day picking up cigarette stumps from the Floor of the actor's room. It is a labor of love that she does, for she thinks the actor is the Most beautiful ever. Such nice Manners as he has, and he is always so Immaculate. But why is the Little lady crying? Ah, it is because the Actor is very Poor. He is always waiting for money from Home, but his people are forgetful. No; he has not Paid his rent for Many a day. When he pays up will the lady stop Crying? We fear not, for she will have been in her Grave long since.
52
See the tall Negro. Is not his uniform Gorgeous? What is that he is Saying? Ah, it is, "Foourr, elseven, emniine," Do you not understand that he is calling the Carriages? No; it is not necessary for Him to make such a Noise, but it is very impressive. Why does he use a Megaphone? Because the Drivers would hear him plainly if he did not and the Carriages would get Away too soon to Make a great impression.
53
This is a Theatrical photograph. How lovely is the Young woman; how pensive. She looks like the Madonna. So kind; so good and so sweet. Does the picture resemble the Actress? Certainly not. Her best friends would Not know it was a photo of Her. That is right, Johnny; draw a Mustache on the face. Do not put a beard on Her. Only managers are Allowed to Beard actresses. Why did the Lady take the pictures if they do Not look like her? Perhaps she wants to look good anyway. Yes; the Photographer knows his business. He is a Scotchman and Very canny. He talks with a Burr.
54
Here we see the Deluded heroine. She has been Deserted by her Cru-el and faithless Lover. See how Poorly she is clothed. She is trying to Make an honest living selling Matches. It is snowing and the poor Girl must sleep on the Doorstep. She is starving; but Why does she not Pawn her diamond rings? Hush! they are heirlooms. No, Johnny; if she got a Divorce and became a Chorus girl she would Spoil the whole Show. Then the manager would be Very angry. Managers are not Always considerate.