ACT II
Enter Serjeant Circuit and Jack
SERJEANT
Jack, let Will bring the chaise to the door.
JACK
Mr. Fairplay, Sir, the attorney, begs to speak a few words.
SERJEANT
How often have I told you, that I will see none of these sort of folks but at chambers; you know how angry your mother is at their rapping, and littering the house.
JACK
He says, Sir, he will not detain you five minutes.
SERJEANT
Well, bid him walk in.
Enter Fairplay
Well, Mr. Fairplay, what's your will?
FAIRPLAY
I just call'd, Mr. Serjeant, to know your opinion upon the case of young Woodford, and if you like the proposal of being concern'd.
SERJEANT
If it turns out as you state it, and that the father of the lad was really a minor, the Essex estate may without doubt be recover'd; and so may the lands in the North.
FAIRPLAY
We have full proofs to that fact.
SERJEANT
May be so; but really Mr. Fairplay, you know the length of time that these kind of suits —
FAIRPLAY
True Sir, but then your experience will shorten I appreh —
SERJEANT
That's more than I know: and then not only my fees lying dormant, but, perhaps, an expectation of money advanc'd.
FAIRPLAY
The property, Sir, is of very great value, and, upon the recovery, any acknowledgment shall be readily made.
SERJEANT
There again, any! do you know that in law, that word any has no meaning at all? besides, when people are in distress, they are lavish enough of their offers; but when their business is done, then we have nothing but grumbling and grudging.
FAIRPLAY
You have only to dictate your terms.
SERJEANT
Does the lad live in town?
FAIRPLAY
He has been under my care since the death of his father; I have given him as good an education as my narrow fortune would let me; he is now studying the law in the Temple, in hopes that should he fail of other assistance, he may be able one day to do himself justice.
SERJEANT
In the Temple?
FAIRPLAY
Yes, Sir, in those little chambers just over your head – I fancy the young gentleman knows him.
JACK
Who? Mr. Woodford! Lord as well as myself, he is a sweet sober youth, and will one day make a vast figure, I am sure.
SERJEANT
Indeed!
JACK
I am positive, Sir, if you were to hear him speak at the Robinhood in the Butcher-row, you would say so yourself: why he is now reckon'd the third; except the breeches-maker from Barbican, and Sawny Sinclair the snuffman, there is not a mortal can touch him.
SERJEANT
Peace, puppy; well Mr. Fairplay, leave the papers a little longer with me and – pray who is employ'd against you?
FAIRPLAY
A city attorney, one Sheepskin.
SERJEANT
A cunning fellow, I know him; well, Sir, if you will call at Pump-court in a week.
FAIRPLAY
I shall attend you.
SERJEANT
Jack, open the door for Mr. – [Exeunt Fairplay and Jack.] Something may be made of this matter: I'll see this Sheepskin myself. So much in future for carrying on the suit, or so much in hand to make it miscarry: a wise man should well weigh which party to take for.
Enter Jack
So, Jack, any body at chambers to day?
JACK
Fieri Facias from Fetter lane, about the bill to be filed by Kit Crape against Will Vizard, this term.
SERJEANT
Praying for an equal partition of plunder?
JACK
Yes, Sir.
SERJEANT
Strange world we live in, that even highwaymen can't be true to each other! [half aside to himself.] but we shall make master Vizard refund, we'll shew him what long hands the law has.
JACK
Facias says, that in all the books he can't hit on a precedent.
SERJEANT
Then I'll make one myself; aut inveniam, aut faciam, has been always my motto. The charge must be made for partnership-profit, by bartering lead and gunpowder, against money, watches, and rings, on Epping-forest, Hounslow-heath, and other parts of the kingdom.
JACK
He says, if the court should get scent of the scheme, the parties would all stand committed.
SERJEANT
Cowardly rascal! but however, the caution mayn't prove amiss. [Aside.] I'll not put my own name to the bill.
JACK
The declaration too is deliver'd in the cause of Roger Rapp'em against Sir Solomon Simple.
SERJEANT
What, the affair of the note?
JACK
Yes.
SERJEANT
Why he is clear that his client never gave such a note.
JACK
Defendant never saw plaintiff since the hour he was born; but, notwithstanding, they have three witnesses to prove a consideration, and signing the note.
SERJEANT
They have?
JACK
He is puzzled what plea to put in.
SERJEANT
Three witnesses ready, you say?
JACK
Yes.
SERJEANT
Tell him Simple must acknowledge the note, [Jack starts] and bid him, against the trial comes on, to procure four persons at least to prove the payment, at the Crown and Anchor, the 10th of December.
JACK
But then how comes the note to remain in plaintiff's possession?
SERJEANT
Well put, Jack; but we have a salvo for that; plaintiff happen'd not to have the note in his pocket, but promis'd to deliver it up, when call'd thereunto by defendant.
JACK
That will do rarely.
SERJEANT
Let the defence be a secret, for I see we have able people to deal with. But come, child, not to lose time, have you carefully conn'd those instructions I gave you?
JACK
Yes, Sir.
SERJEANT
Well, that we shall see. How many points are the great object of practice?
JACK
Two.
SERJEANT
Which are they?
JACK
The first is to put a man into possession of what is his right.
SERJEANT
The second?
JACK
Either to deprive a man of what is really his right, or to keep him as long as possible out of possession.
SERJEANT
Good boy! To gain the last end, what are the best means to be us'd?
JACK
Various and many are the legal modes of delay.
SERJEANT
Name them.
JACK
Injunctions, demurrers, sham-pleas, writs of error, rejoinders, sur-rejoinders, rebutters, sur-rebutters, replications, exceptions, essoigns, and imparlance.
SERJEANT
[To himself.] Fine instruments in the hands of a man, who knows how to use them. – But now, Jack, we come to the point: if an able advocate has his choice in a cause, (which if he is in reputation he may readily have,) which side should he choose, the right, or the wrong?
JACK
A great lawyer's business, is always to make choice of the wrong.
SERJEANT
And prythee why so?
JACK
Because a good cause can speak for itself, whilst a bad one demands an able counsellor to give it a colour.
SERJEANT
Very well. But in what respects will this answer to the lawyer himself?
JACK
In a two-fold way; firstly, his fees will be large in proportion to the dirty work he is to do.
SERJEANT
Secondly? —
JACK
His reputation will rise, by obtaining the victory in a desperate cause.
SERJEANT
Right, boy. – Are you ready in the case of the cow?
JACK
Pretty well, I believe.
SERJEANT
Give it then.
JACK
First of April, anno seventeen hundred and blank, John a Nokes was indicted by blank, before blank, in the county of blank, for stealing a cow, contra pacem etcet. – and against the statute in that case provided and made, to prevent stealing of cattle.
SERJEANT
Go on.
JACK
Said Nokes was convicted upon the said statute.
SERJEANT
What follow'd upon? —
JACK
Motion in arrest of judgment, made by counsellor Puzzle. First, Because the field from whence the cow was convey'd is laid in the indictment as round, but turn'd out upon proof to be square.
SERJEANT
That's well: a valid objection.
JACK
Secondly, Because in said indictment the colour of the cow is called red, there being no such things in rerum natura as red cows, no more than black lions, spread eagles, flying griffins, or blue boars.
SERJEANT
Well put.
JACK
Thirdly, said Nokes has not offended against form of the statute; because stealing of cattle is there provided against: whereas we are only convicted of stealing a cow. Now, though cattle may be cows, yet it does by no means follow that cows must be cattle.
SERJEANT
Bravo, bravo! buss me, you rogue, you are your father's own son! go on, and prosper. – I am sorry, dear Jack, I must leave thee. If Providence but sends thee life and health, I prophesy, thou wilt wrest as much land from the owners, and save as many thieves from the gallows, as any practitioner since the days of king Alfred.
JACK
I'll do my endeavour. [Exit Serjeant.] So! – father is set off. Now if I can but lay eyes on our Charlot, just to deliver this letter, before madam comes home. There she is. – Hist, sister Charlot!
Enter Charlot
CHARLOT
What have you got there, Jack?
JACK
Something for you, sister.
CHARLOT
For me! Prythee what is it?
JACK
A thing.
CHARLOT
What thing?
JACK
A thing that will please you I'm sure.
CHARLOT
Come, don't be a boy, let me have it. [Jack gives the letter.] How's this! a letter! from whom?
JACK
Can't you guess?
CHARLOT
Not I; I don't know the hand.
JACK
May be not; but you know the inditer.
CHARLOT
Then tell me his name.
JACK
Break open the seal, and you'll find it.
CHARLOT
[Opening the letter] "Charles Woodford!" – I am sure I know nothing of him.
JACK
Ay, but sister you do.
CHARLOT
How! when, and where?
JACK
Don't you remember about three weeks ago, when you drank tea at our chambers, there was a young gentleman in a blue sattin waist-coat, who wore his own head of hair?
CHARLOT
Well?
JACK
That letter's from he.
CHARLOT
What can be his business with me?
JACK
Read that, and you'll know.
CHARLOT reads.
"Want words to apologize – hum, hum – very first moment I saw you – hum, hum – smother'd long in my breast – hum, hum – happiest, or else the most wretched of men." – So, Sir, you have undertaken a pretty commission! and what do you think my father will —
JACK
Why, I hope you won't go for to tell him.
CHARLOT
Indeed, Sir, but I shall.
JACK
No, sister, I'm sure you won't be so cross. Besides, what could I do? The poor young lad begg'd so hard; and there for this fortnight he has gone about sighing, and musing, and moping: I am satisfied it would melt you to see him. Do, sister, let me bring him this evening, now father is out.
CHARLOT
Upon my word! – The young man has made no bad choice of an agent; you are for pushing matters at once. – But harkee, Sir, who is this spark you are so anxious about? And how long have you known him?
JACK
Oh! a prodigious long while: above a month I am certain. Don't you think him mighty genteel? I assure you he is vastly lik'd by the ladies.
CHARLOT
He is.
JACK
Yes, indeed. Mrs. Congo, at the Grecian coffee-house, says, he's the soberest youth that comes to the house; and all Mrs. Mittens's 'prentices throw down their work, and run to the window every time he goes by.
CHARLOT
Upon my word!
JACK
And moreover, besides that, he has several great estates in the country; but only for the present, he is kept out of 'em all by the owners.
CHARLOT
Ah, Jack! that's the worst part of the story.
JACK
Pshaw! that's nothing at all. His guardian, Mr. Fairplay, has been with father to-day, and says, he is certain that he can set all to rights in a trice.
CHARLOT
Well, Jack, when that point is determin'd, it will be time enough to —
JACK
Then! Lord of mercy! why, sister Charlot, it is my private opinion that if you don't give him some crumbs of comfort, he won't live till Midsummer term.
CHARLOT
I warrant you. Either Cupid's darts were always but poetical engines, or they have been lately depriv'd of their points. Love holds no place in the modern bills of mortality. However, Jack, you may tell your friend, that I have observ'd his frequent walks in our street.
JACK
Walks! Why one should think he was appointed to relieve the old watchman; for no sooner one is off, but the other comes on.
CHARLOT
And that from his eyes being constantly fixed on my window (for the information of which, I presume he is indebted to you.) —
JACK
He! he! he!
CHARLOT
I had a pretty shrewd guess at his business; but tell him that unless my fa – Hush! our tyrant is return'd. Don't leave the house till I see you.
Enter Mrs. Circuit and Betty
Mrs. CIRCUIT
So, Sir, what makes you loitering from chambers? I thought I told you, you should never be here but at meals? [Exit Jack.] One spy is enough in a family. – Miss, you may go to your room; and d'ye hear – I shall have company, so you need not come down. [Exit Charlot.] – Betty, no message or letter?
BETTY
None, Madam.
Mrs. CIRCUIT
That is amazing! – You know I expect Colonel Secret and Mrs. Simper every instant.
BETTY
Yes, Madam.
Mrs. CIRCUIT
Put the fruit and the wine on the table in the next room.
BETTY
Very well, Madam.
Mrs. CIRCUIT
And, Betty, order the fellow to let nobody in but Sir Luke.
BETTY
Madam, I shall take care.
[Exit.
Mrs. CIRCUIT sits down
The ballot must be over by this time. Sure there is nothing so dreadful as a state of suspence: but should they black ball me! – No, there's no danger of that; miss Mattadore has insur'd me success. – Well, this is certainly one of the most useful institutions; it positively supplies the only point of time one does not know how to employ. From twelve, the hour of one's rising, to dinner, is a most horrible chasm; for though teizing the mercers and milliners by tumbling their wares, is now and then an entertaining amusement, yet upon repetition it palls. – But every morning to be sure of a party, and then again at night after a rout, to have a place to retire to; to be quite freed from all pain of providing; not to be pester'd at table with the odious company of clients, and country cousins; for I am determin'd to dine, and sup at the club, every day. I can tell 'em, they'll have but very few forfeits from me.
Enter Betty, in haste, with a Letter
BETTY
By a chairman, Madam, from the Thatch'd House.
Mrs. CIRCUIT
Give it me, Betty, this instant; – ay – this is Mattadore's hand. [opens and reads the letter.] "My dear Circuit – it is with the utmost concern, and confusion, I find myself oblig'd to acquaint you, that notwithstanding all the pains I have taken, the club have thought fit to reject." – Oh! [She faints.]
BETTY
Bless my soul! my lady is gone! – John! Will! Kitty! run hither this instant. —
Enter two Maids and a Man Servant
ALL
What, what's the matter?
BETTY
Quick! quick! some hartshorn and water [pats her hand.] Madam! madam —
SERVANT
Here! here! here! [bringing water.]
BETTY
John, go for the potter-carrier this instant – I believes to my soul she is dead – Kitty, fetch some feathers to burn under her nose; – there, stand further off, and give her some air —