Original Penny Readings: A Series of Short Sketches

Chapter Twenty Seven.
The Decline of the Drama

’Tain’t no use, sir; times is altered and the people too. What with yer railways, and telegraphs, and steam, and penny noosepapers, people knows too much by half, and it’s about all dickey with our profession. People won’t stop and look: they thinks it’s beneath ’em; and ’tain’t no good to get a good pitch, for the coppers won’t come in nohow. Why what’s innocenter or moraller than a Punch and Judy? “Nothing,” says you, and of course there ain’t. Isn’t it the showing up of how wice is punished and wirtue triumphant in a pleasant and instructive manner. Ov course it is. But no, it won’t do now. Punches is wore out; and so’s Fantysheenys and tumbling; for people’s always wanting a something noo, just as if anything ought to be noo ’cept togs and tommy. Ain’t old things the best all the world over? You won’t have noo paintings, nor noo wine, and you allus thinks most o’ old books and old fiddles; so what do you want with a noo sort o’ Punch?

Here I am a-sitting up in the old spot; there’s the theayter in the back-yard, with the green baize and the front up here on account o’ the rain. There you are you see, turn him round. There’s a given up to the calls o’ the time. “Temple of Arts” you see on the top, in a ribbon, with Punch holdin’ on wun side and comical Joey holding on t’other. There’s the strap and box, if you’ll open it, and there’s the pipes on the chimbly-piece. There’s everything complete but the drum, and that we was obliged to lend to the ’Lastic Brothers, for theirs is lent, uncle you know, and Jem Brown, one on ’em, says he lost the ticket, though it looks werry suspicious.

But, now, just open that box, and lay ’em out one at a time on the table, and you’ll just see as it ain’t our fault as we don’t get on. An’ take that ere fust. ’Tain’t no business there, but it’s got atop somehow. That’s the gallus that is, and I allus would have as galluses ought to be twiste as big, but Bill Bowke, my pardner, he says as it’s right enough, and so I wouldn’t alter. Now there you are! Look at that, now! There’s a Punch! Why, it’s enough to bring tears in yer eyes to see how public taste’s fell off. There was four coats o’ paint put on him, besides the touchins up and finishins, and at a time, too, when browns were that scarce it was dreadful. There, pull ’em out, sir; I ain’t ashamed o’ the set, and hard-up as I am at this werry moment, I wouldn’t take two pound for ’em. There, now. Pull ’em out. That’s Joe, and he’s got his legs somehow in the beadle’s pocket. Quite nat’ral, ain’t it? just as if he was a rum ’un ’stead of only being a doll, you know. That’s the kid as you’ve dropped. That ain’t much account, that ain’t; for you see babies never does have any ’spression on their faces, and anything does to be chucked outer window; and the crowd often treads on it, bless you. There’s a Judy, too; only wants a new frill a-tacking on her head for a cap, and she’s about the best on the boards, I’ll bet. You see I cared ’em myself, and give the whole of my mind to it, so as the faces might look nat’ral and taking. Mind his wig, sir. Ah! that wants a bit o’ glue, that does, and a touch o’ black paint. You see that’s the furrin gentleman as says nothin’ but “Shallabala,” and a good deal o’ the back of his head’s knocked off. There you are, you see, bright colours, good wigs, and nicely dressed. That’s the ghost. Looks thin? well, in course, sperrets ain’t ’sposed to be fat. Head shrunk? Well, ’nuff to make it. That’s Jack Ketch; and that’s the coffin; and that’s the devil. We don’t allus bring him out, and keeps the ghost in the box sometimes, according to the company as we gets in. Out in the streets the people likes to see it all; not as they often do, for we generally gets about half through, and then drops it, pretending we can’t get coppers enough to play it out, when the real thing is as the people’s sucked dry, and won’t tip any more, or we’d keep it up; but in the squares and gentlemen’s gardings it ain’t considered right for the children, so we gives the play in a mutilated form, don’t you see.

Now that’s the lot, don’t you see, sir, and if you wouldn’t mind putting the box on this chair by the bedside, and shoving the table up close, I’ll put ’em all back careful myself, for lying sick here one don’t get much amusement. Ain’t got even Toby here, which being a dawg warn’t much company, yet he was some, though his name warn’t Toby but Spice. Nice dawg he was, though any training warn’t no good; he was a free child o’ natur, and when his time came for the play he would bite the wrong noses and at the wrong times. The wust of it was too, that he would bolt, I don’t mean swaller, but go a-running off arter other dawgs, and getting his frill torn as bad as his ears, and I never did see a raggeder pair o’ ears than he had nowheres – torn amost to ribbons they was. We lost him at last, though I never knowed how, but a ’spicion crossed my mind one day when Bill my pardner was eating a small German, and it was close by the factory as we missed him; and though Bill said I was a duffer and spoilt his dinner, I allus stuck to it, and allus will, as there was the smell of Spice in that ere sassage.

There you are, yer see sir, all packed clost and neat, and as I said afore I wouldn’t take two pounds for ’em, bad as I am inside and out. Trade’s bad, profession’s bad, and I’m bad; but bless yer heart we shall have a revival yet, and when the drum comes back, and I get wind enough again to do the business, we shall go ahead like all that.

There if I ain’t boxed all the figgers up, and left the coffin out. Good job my old woman ain’t here, or she’d say it was a sign or something o’ that sort, and try to make one uncomfortable; but there you are, you see, sir, all snug now, and it does seem rather a low spiriting thing to have in a house, sir, and putting aside Punch and Judy stuff, the smaller they are the less you like it.

Going, sir? well, you’ll come again, I hope, and if I do get better, why, I’ll go through the lot in front of your house, if you let me have your card.

Beg pardon, sir, thought you were going; not as I wants you to, for company’s werry pleasant when you’re stretched on your back and can’t help yourself. Since I’ve been a-lying here I’ve been reckoning things up, and I’ve come to the conclusion as the world’s got too full. People lives too fast, and do what you will, puff and blow and race after ’em, ten to one you gets beat. Everything wants to be noo and superior, says the people, and nothing old goes down. Look at them happy times, when one could take the missus in the barrer with a sackful o’ cokynuts and pincushions, and them apples and lemons as the more you opened the more come out; then there’d be the sticks, and a tin kettle, and just a few odds and ends, and all drawn by the donkey; when off we’d go down to some country fair or the races; dig the holes or have bags of earth, stick up the things – cokynuts or cushions; the wife sees to the fire and kittle, and you shouts out – leastways, I don’t mean you, I mean me, you know – shouts out, “Three throws a penny,” when the chuckle-headed bumpkins would go on throwing away like winkin’ till they knocked something down, and then go off all on the smile to think how clever they’d been. But now they must have their Aunt Sallys and stuff, and country fairs has all gone to the bow-wows.

If I gets better I’m a-goin’ to turn Punch from a mellowdramy into a opera – make ’em sing everything, you know. I’d have tried it on afore only my mate gets so orrid short-winded with the pipes, and often when you’re a-expectin’ the high notes of a toone he drops it off altogether, and fills in with larrups of the drum, and that wouldn’t do you know in the sollum parts.

Them music-halls has done us as much harm as any-think, and pretty places they is; why if it warn’t for the pretty toons as they fits on the songs, nobody wouldn’t stop to hear the rubbidge as is let off. Punch is stoopid sometimes, we know, but then look at the moral. And there ain’t no moral at all in music-hall songs.

Sometimes I think as I shall have to knock off the national drammy in consequence of want of funds, for you know times may turn so hard that I shall have to sell all off, and the drum mayn’t come back, though I was thinking one time of me and pardner taking a hinstrument each and practisin’ up some good dooets – me taking the drum and him the pipes, allus allowing, of course, as the drum do come back. But then you see as his short-windedness would be agen us, and it wouldn’t do to be allus drowning the high parts with so much leathering.

Heigho, sir. It makes me sigh to lie here so long waiting to get well, till in the dusky evening time, when the gas lamps are shining up and the stars are peeping down, one gets thinking that it’s time to think of that little thing as I left out of the box; and then lying all alone one seems to have all the long years fall away from one, and get back into the old, old times, and often I have been fishing, and wandering, and bird’s-nesting again all over and over as it used to be. I see it all so plainly, and then get calling up all the old mates I had, and reckoning ’em up, and one’s out in Indy, and another was killed in the Crimee, and another’s in Australy for poaching, and among the whole lot I only knows one now, and that’s me – what there is left. I don’t talk like this before the old woman, but I think so much of our old churchyard, and the green graves, and yew trees; and somehow as I remember the old sunny corners and green spots, I fancy as I should like to go to sleep there far away from these courts and alleys. It seems like dying here, and being hurried away afterwards, with every one glad to get rid of you; but down in the old quiet parts it seems to me like watching the sun go down behind the hill, when the still, quiet evening comes on so soft and pleasant, and then you grow tired and worn-out and lie down to rest, taking a long, long sleep under the bright green turf.

But there, I ain’t in the country, I’m here in the thick of London, where I came up to seek my fortun, and never looked in the right place. We poor folks are like the children playing at “Hot boiled beans and werry good butter,” and though while you’re hunting for what’s hid, you may get werry near sometimes, getting warmer and hotter till you’re burning, yet somehow it isn’t often that one finds. Some does, but there’s werry few of ’em, and in the great scramble when one gets hold of anything it’s a chansh if it ain’t snatched out of your hand.

But there, I shan’t give up, for there’s nothing like a bit o’ pluck to carry you through your troubles, and I’m a-going to scheme a noo sorter public Shakespearian dramatic entertainment, one as will be patronised by all the nobility and gentry, when in consequence of the unparalleled success, we shall stop all the press orders and free list, and come out arterwards with a new drum, and get presented with a set o’ silver-mounted pipes by a grateful nation. Leastwise I mean it to be a success if I can, but if it don’t turn out all right, through me and my pardner being so touched in the wind, Bill’s a-going to get up a subscription to buy a barrel-orgin and a four-wheel thing as ’ll take us both – me and the orgin; when I shall sit there with a tin plate to take the coppers, and Bill will grind away like that Italian chap as drew round the gentleman wot had been operated on. I don’t want to come down to that, though, for one can’t help ’sociating barrel-orgins with monkeys, and pitying the poor little chattering beggars as is chained up to an eight-toon box, played slow, as if it was wrong in its inside. And that makes me rather shrink a bit from it, for thinking as I might get tired of the organ-grinder.

Steps, steps, steps. Here’s the missus coming, and there’ll be the physic to take, and then, after a bit of a nap, I mean to sit up and put my theaytrical company to rights.

Chapter Twenty Eight.
In the Hooghly

You people here in England don’t know what a river is; the Thames and Severn are only ditches, while the Humber is precious little better than a creek of the sea. Just think of such rivers as the Amazon, and the Plate, and the Mississippi, where you can sail up miles, and miles, and miles, and on the two first can’t make out the shore on either side; while after a flood down comes little islands covered with trees washed out of the banks, some with pretty little snakes on ’em twenty feet long, p’raps, while on every flat bit of shore you see the alligators a-lying by wholesale. Then there’s them big African rivers with the alligator’s first cousins – crockydiles, you know, same as there is up in that big river in Indy – the Ganges, as I’ve sailed up right through the Sunderbunds, covered in some places with jungle, where the great striped tigers lie, and as one o’ my poor mates used to say, it’s dangerous to be safe.

I’ve been up to Calcutta, I have, after sailing right across the roaring main to Adelaide, and dropping our cargo. My; how hot it is going up that river, a regular hot stifly sort of heat, as seems to get hold of you and say, “Hold hard, my boy, you can’t work here!” and we never used to do any more than we could help. Sailing up, day after day, we got anchored at last up at the grand place, and I don’t know which you takes most notice of, the grandness or the misery, for there’s a wonderful sight of both.

“What’s that?” I says to Bob Davies, as we was a-leaning over the side, looking at the native boats floating here and there, and seeing how the great muddy stream flowed swiftly down.

“That?” says Bob. “Ah, you’ll see lots of that sort of thing about. That’s a corpus, that is, and that’s how they buries ’em here. Waits till a poor fellow’s werry sick, and then takes and puts him at low tide on the bottom of the steps of the landing-places, – ghauts they calls ’em, and then, if he’s got strength enough in him, he crawls away, but if he ain’t, why the tide carries him off, and then he goes washing up and down the river till Dicky Todd lays hold on him, and pulls him under for his next meal.”

“Who’s Dicky Todd?” I says.

“Why,” says Bob, a-chuckling, “there he goes, that’s him,” and then he stood a-pinting out into the stream where there was what seemed to me to be a bit of rough bark of a tree floating slowly down towards the sea.

“Why, that’s a tree, I says, ain’t it?”

“Ho! ho! ho! what ignorance,” says Bob, “that’s a crorkodile, or a haligator, if you likes to call it so. Dicky Todd, that is, as don’t like his meals fresh, but keeps his game till it gets high, and then enjoys himself with a feast.”

’Nough to make one shudder that was, but it was true enough, for, before the body I had seen floating down had gone much further, there was a bit of a swirl in the water, and both crocodile and body disappeared, while my face felt as if it was turning white, and I knew I felt sick.

We chaps didn’t work very hard though, for there were plenty of black fellows there, ready to do anything for you, and lots of ’em were employed lading the ship, while we were busy touching her up, bending on new sheets, here and there mending sails, painting and scraping, and making right a spar or two that had sprung, for you know there’s always something amiss after a long voyage, and it’s no short distance from Liverpool to Port Adelaide, and then up to Calcutta. Rum chaps some of those blacks was, not werry decent in their ideas of dress, and all seeming to suffer from a famine in stockings. Precious particular too about what they call their caste, which you know is a complaint as exists in the old country too. Why, in our old village it was werry bad, and was like this you know: the squire’s people wouldn’t mix with the doctor’s, and the doctor’s wouldn’t visit the maltster’s, and the maltster’s didn’t know the people at the shop, who didn’t call on the clerk’s wife, who said her gal shouldn’t go to tea at Brown’s, who said Smith’s folks was low; and so on. That’s caste – that is, and they has it werry bad out in Indy. Mussulmans some on ’em, and Brahmins, and all sorts, and lots on ’em you’ll meet with a bit o’ paint on their forehead, to show what caste they belong to, I s’pose, while they’re as proud as Lucifer.

One old chap used to come to work and bring his gang with him to go on with the lading, and one day when he came some of our fellows began to chaff him, for he’d got his head shaved, and what for do you think, but because he was in mourning, and had put away his wife? Not as that seemed to me anything to go in mourning for, since some of our chaps would have been a wonderful deal better without their wives as they left behind in Liverpool. But this chap had divorced his wife because she had let the child die, so he said, and there was the poor woman in double trouble.

“S’pose she couldn’t help the little ’un going,” says Bob to him.

“Ah! yes, Sahib,” says this old chap, Jamsy Jam, as he called himself, “oh yes, Sahib, she let child die – mosh trouble.” But I’m blest if I don’t think it was him wanted to get rid of his wife, and so made this an excuse.

Bob Davis and me one day stood looking over the side o’ the ship, same as we often did, and he says to me, he says: —

“Last time as I was here, we was lying a hundred yards further up the stream, and one day when I was in the bows, I could see something hitched on to the chain as moored us to the buoy, and if it wasn’t one of them poor fellows as had come down with the stream from perhaps hundreds of miles up the country, and there wasn’t one of our chaps as would get him off, so it came to my share to do it, and I undertook it out of a bit of bounce because the others wouldn’t, for I felt proper scared and frightened over it. They often gets hitched in the mooring chains of ships, and p’raps we shall come in for one before we goes.”

About an hour after I goes and looks down at the chain, when if I didn’t turn all shivering, for there was something dusky hitched on sure enough, and I ran and called Bob Davis up to have a look, and see if it wasn’t what he’d been a talking about.

“So it is,” he says; and he went and told the captain and mate, and they came and had a look, when the dinghy was ordered down, and Bob and me in her, to set the body free.

Now I didn’t like the job a bit, and I pulled a long face at Bob, just same time as he was pulling a long face at me; but our captain was a man who would stand no nonsense, so we were soon down in the boat, and I put her along the side, while Bob got hold of the boat-hook, and reached out at the body.

But it warn’t a body of a poor black at all, but a god as was dressed up, and had been sent sailing down from one of their grand feasts somewhere up the river, one of those set-outs where there’s so much dancing and beating of tom-toms and singing in their benighted, un-Christian-like, dreary fashion, all Ea-la-ba-sha-la-ma-ca-la-fa; for it sounds like nothing else to a sailor chap as don’t understand Hindostanee.

Well, we brings this great idol on board, and the captain has it dried and stood on deck; but I’m blest if the black chaps didn’t all turn huffy about it, and kicked up a shine, and then took and went off, leaving all their work. They came back, though, next morning reg’lar as could be, and I says to Bob Davis, “Bob,” I says, “that’s just for all the world like coves at home: cuts off in a passion, and then comes back when they’re cool again.”

“Ah,” says Bob, with a bit of a chuckle; “p’raps it is, but not quite; for they was afraid to work with one o’ their gods a-looking at ’em.”

“Then what made ’em come back now?” I say.

“Because he’s gone again bobbing about among the Dicky Todds and corpuses; and it’s my belief,” he says, “that our watch didn’t keep much of a look-out, or they’d have seen some of the swarthy beggars come aboard and heave it overboard, for it’s gone sure enough.”

Gone it was, and no mistake; and I suppose Bob must have been right; and, though the cap went on a good ’un about losing his curiosity, it warn’t no good at all.

“Some of you knows something of it,” says the cap to old Jam, as we called him for short.

“Captain Sahib no got god of his own at home that he want black fellow’s,” says old Jam very grandly, but making a great salaam a’most down to the deck.

But the cap only grumbled out something, and went off, for he didn’t want to offend the men.

One day we had a sad upset – one as gave our chaps the horrors, and made them restless to get out of the place, and worse, for after that the men were always looking out for the crocodiles, and bodies, and things that came down the great stream, while now everything they saw floating, if it was only a lump of rotten rushes or a bit of tree-trunk, got to be called something horrid. Then the chaps got tired of its being so hot, and discontented at having not enough to do, I s’pose, for a ship’s crew never seems so happy as when the men are full swing an’ at the work.

Well, it so happened that in two places the cap had had little swing stages slung over the side for the men who were touching up the ship’s ribs with a new streak of paint; and there the chaps were dabbing away very coolly as to the way they worked, but very hotly as to the weather, for the sun comes down there a scorcher when there’s no breeze on. I was very busy myself trying to find a cool place somewhere; and not getting it, when the man over the bulwarks gives a hail, and I goes to see what he wanted, which it was more paint, because he didn’t want to come up the side, and get it himself. So I takes the pot from him, and gets it half filled with colour, and goes back to the side all on the dawdle-and-crawl system just like the other chaps on deck.

“Now then,” I says, “lay hold;” but my gentleman didn’t move, for there he was, squatted down and smoking his pipe; when, finding it comforting, he wouldn’t move.

“I say,” he says, looking up, “just see if them lashings is all right; for, if I was to go down here, it’s my idee as I shouldn’t come up again for the crockydiles, and I don’t kear about giving up the number of my mess jest yet; so look out.”

“Well, lay hold of this pot,” says I, reaching down to him as far as I could.

“Wait a minute,” he says, when he began to groan himself up, and next moment he would have reached what I was holding to him, when I heard something give, a sort of crack; then there was a shriek and a loud splash, and I saw the poor fellow’s horror-stricken face for an instant as he disappeared beneath the water.

“Man overboard!” I shouted, dropping the paint, and running to the rope which held the dinghy; when sliding down I was in her in a moment, and shoving along towards where the poor chap went down. First I looked one way, then another, and kept paddling about expecting that I should see his head come up, while now at the sides half the crew were looking over, for they had forgotten all about feeling tired or lazy in their anxiety to be of use.

“There, look out,” cried Bob Davis; “he’ll come up there where that eddy is, and then I watched there and leaned over the sides ready to catch hold of the poor chap when he came up.”

“Let her float down with the stream,” shouted the captain, excitedly; “he must come to the top directly,” and so I let her float down; kneeling there as I did, ready to snatch at anything which appeared. The river was running down muddy and strong, so that you could see nothing but the swirling about of the current, as it came rushing round by the ships and boats moored there, and I began to think that the poor fellow would soon be sucked under one of the big hulls, when it seemed to me that there was more swirling and rushing about of the water than usual, for my little boat began to rock a little and some bubbles of air came rising up and floating atop of the water.

Here he is now, I thinks, getting hold of the boat-hook, and holding it just a little in the water, when all at once I turned quite sick and queer, for there was a great patchy stream of blood came up, and floated on the surface, slowly spreading out, and floating down the stream, when in a sort of mad fit I made a thrust down as far as I could reach with the hook to bring something up, and sure enough I caught against something, but the next moment there was a snatch and a jerk, and I had to let go of the hook, to save being pulled overboard, when I clung shuddering to the thwarts, and saw the long shaft disappear under water.

The chaps on board our ship roused me up, or I think I should have turned quite dizzy, and rolled out of the boat; but now I jumped up, and setting an oar out of the stern, paddled a little further down, trying hard to make myself believe that the poor chap would come up again. But no, nothing more was seen of him but the bubbles on the top of the water, and that horrid red patch which came directly after.

I paddled here and paddled there, trembling all over the whole time, but it was of no use, and at last when I was some distance off, and they began shouting for me, I put out both sculls, and rowed back, when mine wasn’t the only pale, sickly looking face aboard, for there were the men talking in whispers, and the other chap that had been painting came off of his stage, while if the captain had persisted in trying to get that bit of painting finished, I believe the men would have all mutinied and left the ship. But he didn’t, for though he couldn’t have liked to see the ship half done, he said nothing about it, for there was no one to blame, since that poor lost man rigged up his own stage; and all the rest of the time as we stopped there in the Hooghly – Ugly as we calls it – the cap and the mate used to spend hours every day practising rifle shooting at the crocodiles, as must have been the end of my poor ship-mate.