The Bigger Fool, the Better Luck
The American "Ole Bull," young Howard, one of the most scientific crucifiers of the violin we ever heard, gave us a call t'other day, and not only discoursed heavenly music upon his instrument, but gave us the "nub" of a few jokes worth dishing up in our peculiar style. Howard spent last winter in a tour over the State of Maine and Canada. During this cool excursion, he got way up among the wood-choppers and log-men of the Aroostook and Penobscot country. These wood-chopping and log-rolling gentry, according to all accounts, must be a jolly, free-and-easy, hard-toiling and hardy race. The "folks" up about there live in very primitive style; their camps and houses are very useful, but not much addicted to the "ornamental." Howard had a very long, tedious and perilous tramp, on foot, during a part of his peregrinations, and coming at last upon the settlement of the log-men, he laid up several days, to recuperate. In the largest log building of the several in the neighborhood, Howard lodged; the weather was intensely cold – house crowded, and wood and game plenty. After a hard day's toil, in snow and water, these log-men felt very much inclined, to sleep. A huge fire was usually left upon the hearth, after the "tea things" were put away, Howard gave them a choon or two, and then the woodmen lumbered up a rude set of steps – into a capacious loft overhead, and there, amid the old quilts, robes, skins and straw, enjoyed their sound and refreshing sleep – with a slight drawback.
Among these men of the woods, was a hard old nut, called and known among them as —Old Tantabolus! He was a wiry and hardy old rooster; though his frosty poll spoke of the many, many years he had "been around," his body was yet firm and his perceptions yet clear. The old man was a grand spinner of yarns; he had been all around creation, and various other places not set down in the maps. He had been a soldier and sailor: been blown up and shot down: had had all the various ills flesh was heir to: suffered from shipwreck and indigestion: witnessed the frowns and smiles of fortune – especially the frowns; in short, according to old man Tantabolus's own account of himself, he had seen more ups and downs, and made more narrow and wonderful escapes, than Robinson Crusoe and Gulliver both together – with Baron Trenck into the bargain!
For the first season, the old man and his narrations, being fresh and novel, he was quite a lion among the woodmen, but now that the novelty had worn off, and they'd got used to his long yarns, they voted him "an old bore!" The old fellow smoked a tremendous pipe, with tobacco strong enough to give a Spaniard the "yaller fever." He would eat his supper, light his pipe – sit down by the fire, and spin yarns, as long as a listener remained, and longer. In short, Old Tantabolus would spin them all to bed, and then make their heads spin, with the clouds of baccy smoke with which he'd fill the ranche.
Going to bed, at length, on a bunk in a corner, the old chap would wheeze and snore for an hour or two, and then turning out again, between daybreak and midnight, Old Tantabolus would pile on a cord or two of fresh wood – raise a roaring fire – make the ranche hot enough to roast an ox, then treat all hands to another stifling with his old calumet, and nigger-head tobacco! Then would commence a —
"A-booh! oo-oo!" by one of the lodgers, overhead.
"Boo-oo-ooh! Old Tantabolus's got that – booh-oo-oo-oo, – pipe of his'n again, – boo-oo-oo!" chimed another.
"A-a-a-chee! oo-oo-augh-h-h-ch-chee! Cuss that – a-chee– pipe. Tantabolus, you old hoss-marine, put out that – a-chee!– darn'd old pipe!" bawled another.
"A'nand?" was the old fellow's usual reply.
"A-boo-ooh-ooh!" hoarse and loud as a boatswain's call, in a gale of wind, would be issued from the throat of an old "logger," as the fumigacious odor interfered with his respiratory arrangements, and then would follow a miscellaneous —
"A-chee-o! Ah-chee! boo-ooh-oo-ooh!" tapering off with divers curses and threats, upon Old Tantabolus and his villanous habits of arousing "the whole community" in "the dead watches and middle of the night," with heat and smoke, no flesh and blood but his own could apparently endure.
At length, a private caucus was held, and a diabolical plan set, to put a summary end to the grievous nuisances engendered by Old Tantabolus – "let's blow him up!"
And this they agreed to do in this wise. Before "retiring to rest," as we say in civilized parlance, the lodging community were in the habit of laying in a surplus of firewood, alongside of the capacious fire-place, in order – should a very common occurrence occur, – i. e., a fall of snow six to ten feet deep, and kiver things all up, the insiders might have wherewith to make themselves comfortable, until they could work out and provide more. But Old Tantabolus was in the wasteful practice of turning out and burning up all this extra fuel; so the caucus agreed to bore an inch and a quarter hole into a solid stick – pack it with powder – lay it among the wood, and when Old Tantabolus riz to fire up, he'd be blowed out of the building, and disappear —in a blue blaze! Well, poor old man, Tantabolus, quite unconscious of the dire explosion awaiting him, told his yarns, next evening, with greater gusto than usual, and one after another of his listeners finally dropped off to roost, in the loft above, leaving the old man to go it alone – finish his pipe, stagnate the air and go to his bunk, which, as was his wont to do – he did. Stillness reigned supreme; though Old Tantabolus took his usual snooze in very apparent confidence, many of his no less weary companions above – watched for the approaching tableaux! And they were gratified, to their heart's content, for the tableaux came!
"Now, look out, boys!" says one, "Old Tanty's about to wake up!" and then some dozen of the upper story lodgers, who had kept their peepers open to enjoy the fun, began to spread around and pull away the loose straw in order to get a view of the scene below. Sure enough, the old rooster gave a long yawn – "Aw-w-w-w-um!" flirted off his "kiverlids" and got up, making a slow move towards the fire-place, reaching which, he gave an extra "Aw-w-w-um!" knocked the ashes out of his pipe – filled it up with "nigger-head," dipped it in the embers, gave it a few whiffs, and then said:
"Booh! cold mornin'; boys'll freeze, if I don't start up a good fire." Then he went to work to cultivate a blaze, with a few chips and light sticks of dry wood.
"Ah, by George, old feller," says one, "you'll catch a bite, before you know it!"
"Yes, I'm blamed if you ain't a goner, Old Tantabolus!" says another, in a pig's whisper.
"There! there he's got the fire up – now look out!"
"He's got the stick – "
"Goin' to clap it on!"
"Now it's on!"
"Look out for fun, by George, look out!"
"He'll blow the house up!"
"Godfrey! s'pose he does?"
"What an infernal wind there is this morning!" says the old fellow, hearing the buzz and indistinct whispering overhead; "guess it's snowin' like sin; I'll jist start up this fire and go out and see." But, he had scarcely reached and opened the door, when – "bang-g-g!" went the log, with the roar of a twelve pounder; hurling the fire, not only all over the lower floor, but through the upper loose flooring – setting the straw beds in a blaze – filling the house with smoke, ashes and fire! There was a general and indiscriminate rush of the practical jokers in the loft, to make an escape from the now burning building; but the step-ladder was knocked down, and it was at the peril of their lives, that all hands jumped and crawled out of the ranche! The only one who escaped the real danger was Old Tantabolus, the intended victim, whose remark was, after the flurry was over – "Boys, arter this, be careful how you lay your powder round!"
An Active Settlement
Gen. Houston lives, when at home, at Huntsville, Texas; the inhabitants mostly live, says Humboldt, Beeswax, Borax, or some of the other historians, by hunting. The wolves act as watchmen at night, relieved now and then by the Ingins, who make the wig business brisk by relieving straggling citizens of their top-knots. A man engaged in a quiet smoke, sees a deer or bear sneaking around, and by taking down his rifle, has steaks for breakfast, and a haunch for next day's dinner, right at his door. Vegetables and fruit grow naturally; flowers come up and bloom spontaneously. The distinguished citizens wear buck-skin trowsers, coon-skin hats, buffalo-skin overcoats, and alligator-hide boots. Old San Jacinto walked into the Senate last winter – fresh from home – with a panther-skin vest, and bear-skin breeches on! Great country, that Texas.
A Yankee in a Pork-house
"Conscience sakes! but hain't they got a lot of pork here?" said a looker-on in Quincy Market, t'other day.
"Pork!" echoes a decidedly Green Mountain biped, at the elbow of the first speaker.
"Yes, I vow it's quite as-tonishing how much pork is sold here and et up by somebody," continued the old gent.
"Et up?" says the other, whose physical structure somewhat resembled a fat lath, and whose general contour made it self-evident that he was not given much to frivolity, jauntily-fitting coats and breeches, or perfumed and "fixed up" barberality extravagance.
"Et up!" he thoughtfully and earnestly repeated, as his hands rested in the cavity of his trousers pockets, and his eyes rested upon the first speaker.
"You wern't never in Cincinnatty, I guess?"
"No, I never was," says the old gent.
"Never was? Well, I cal'lated not. Never been in a Pork-haouse?"
"Never, unless you may call this a Pork-house?"
"The-is? Pork-haouse?" says Yankee. "Well, I reckon not – don't begin – 'tain't nothin' like – not a speck in a puddle to a Pork-haouse – a Cincinnatty Pork-haouse!"
"I've hearn that they carry on the Pork business pooty stiff, out there," says the old gentleman.
"Pooty stiff? Good gravy, but don't they? 'Pears to me, I knew yeou somewhere?" says our Yankee.
"You might," cautiously answers the old gent.
"'Tain't 'Squire Smith, of Maoun-Peelier?"
"N'no, my name's Johnson, sir."
"Johnson? Oh, in the tin business?"
"Oh, no, I'm not in business, at all, sir," was the reply.
"Not? Oh," – thoughtfully echoes Yankee. "Wall, no matter, I thought p'raps yeou were from up aour way – I'm from near Maoun-Peelier – State of Varmount."
"Ah, indeed?"
"Ya-a-s."
"Fine country, I'm told?" says the old gent.
"Ye-a-a-s, 'tis;" – was the abstracted response of Yankee, who seemed to be revolving something in his own mind.
"Raise a great deal of wool – fine sheep country?"
"'Tis great on sheep. But sheep ain't nothin' to the everlasting hog craop!"
"Think not, eh?" said the old gent.
"I swow teu pucker, if I hain't seen more hogs killed, afore breakfast, in Cincinnatty, than would burst this buildin' clean open!"
"You don't tell me so?"
"By gravy, I deu, though. You hain't never been in Cincinnatty?"
"I said not."
"Never in a Pork-haouse?"
"Never."
"Wall, yeou've hearn tell – of Ohio, I reckon?"
"Oh, yes! got a daughter living out there," was the answer.
"Yeou don't say so?"
"I have, in Urbana, or near it," said the old gent.
"Urbanny! Great kingdom! why I know teu men living aout there; one's trading, t'other's keepin' school; may be yeou know 'em – Sampson Wheeler's one, Jethro Jones's t'other. Jethro's a cousin of mine; his fa'ther, no, his mother married – 'tain't no matter; my name's Small, – Appogee Small, and I was talkin' – "
"About the hog crop, Cincinnatty Pork-houses."
"Ye-a-a-s; wall, I went eout West last fall, stopped at Cincinnatty – teu weeks. Dreadful nice place; by gravy, they do deu business there; beats Salvation haow they go it on steamboats – bust ten a day and build six!"
"Is it possible?" says the old gent; "but the hogs – "
"Deu beat all. I went up to the Pork-haouses; – fus thing you meet is a string – 'bout a mile long, of big and little critters, greasy and sassy as sin; buckets and bags full of scraps, tails, ears, snaouts and ribs of hogs. Foller up this line and yeou come to the Pork-haouses, and yeou go in, if they let yeou, and they did me, so in I went, teu an almighty large haouse – big as all aout doors, and a feller steps up to me and says he: —
"'Yeou're a stranger, I s'pose?'
"'Yeou deu?' says I.
"'Ye-a-a-s,' says he, 'I s'pose so,' and I up and said I was.
"'Wall,' says he, 'ef you want to go over the haouse, we'll send a feller with you!'
"So I went with the feller, and he took me way back, daown stairs – aout in a lot; a-a-a-nd everlastin' sin! yeou should jist seen the hogs – couldn't caount 'em in three weeks!"
"Good gracious!" exclaims the old gent.
"Fact, by gravy! Sech squealin', kickin' and goin' on; sech cussin' and hollerin', by the fellers pokin' 'em in at one eend of the lot and punchin' on 'em aout at t'other! Sech a smell of hogs and fat, brissels and hot water, I swan teu pucker, I never did cal'late on, afore!
"Wall, as fast as they driv' 'em in by droves, the fellers kept a craowdin' 'em daown towards the Pork-haouse; there two fellers kept a shootin' on 'em daown, and a hull gang of the all-firedest dirty, greasy-looking fellers aout– stuck 'em, hauled 'em daown, and afore yeou could say Sam Patch! them hogs were yanked aout of the lot – killed – scalded and scraped."
"Mighty quick work, I guess," says the old gent.
"Quick work? Yeou ought to see 'em. Haow many hogs deu yeou cal'late them fellers killed and scraped a day?"
"Couldn't possibly say – hundreds, I expect."
"Hundreds! Grea-a-at King! Why, I see 'em kill thirteen hundred in teu hours; – did, by golly!"
"Yeou don't say so?"
"Yes, sir. And a feller with grease enough abaout him to make a barrel of saft soap, said that when they hurried 'em up some they killed, scalded and scraped ten thousand hogs in a day; and when they put on the steam, twenty thousand porkers were killed off and cut up in a single day!"
"I want to know!"
"Yes, sir. Wall, we went into the haouse, where they scalded the critters fast as they brought 'em in. By gravy, it was amazin' how the brissels flew! Afore a hog knew what it was all abaout, he was bare as a punkin – a hook and tackle in his snaout, and up they snaked him on to the next floor. I vow they kept a slidin' and snakin' 'em in and up through the scuttles – jest in one stream!
"'Let's go up and see 'em cut the hogs,' says the feller.
"Up we goes. Abaout a hundred greasy fellers were a hacken on 'em up. By golly, it was deth to particular people the way the fat and grease flew! Two whacks– fore and aft, as Uncle Jeems used to say – split the hog; one whack, by a greasy feller with an everlasting chunk of sharpened iron, and the hog was quartered – grabbed and carried off to another block, and then a set of savagerous-lookin' chaps layed to and cut and skirted around; – hams and shoulders were going one way, sides and middlins another way; wall, I'm screwed if the hull room didn't 'pear to be full of flying pork – in hams, sides, scraps and greasy fellers – rippin' and a tearin'! Daown in another place they were saltin' and packin' away, like sin! Daown in the other place they were frying aout the lard – fillin' barrels, from a regular river of fat, coming aout of the everlastin' biggest bilers yeou ever did see, I vow! Now, I asked the feller if sich hurryin' a hog through a course of spraouts helped the pork any, and he said it didn't make any difference, he s'pected. He said they were not hurryin' then, but if I would come in, some day, when 'steam was up,' he'd show me quick work in the pork business – knock daown, drag aout, scrape, cut up, and have the hog in the barrel before he got through squealin'!
"Hello! Say! – 'Squire, gone?"
The old gent was —gone; the last brick hit him!
German Caution
Some ten years since, an old Dutchman purchased in the vicinity of Brooklyn, a snug little farm for nine thousand dollars. Last week, a lot of land speculators called on him to "buy him out." On asking his price, he said he would take "sixty tousand dollars – no less."
"And how much may remain on bond and mortgage?"
"Nine tousand dollars."
"And why not more," replied the would-be purchasers.
"Because der tam place ain't worth any more."
Ain't that Dutch.
Ben. McConachy's Great Dog Sell
A great many dogmas have been written, and may continue to be written, on dogs. Confessing, once, to a dogmatical regard for dogs, we "went in" for the canine race, with a zeal we have bravely outgrown; and we live to wonder how men – to say nothing of spinsters of an uncertain age – can heap money and affections upon these four-legged brutes, whose sole utility is to doze in the corner or kennel, terrify stray children, annoy horsemen, and keep wholesome meat from the stomachs of many a poor, starving beggar at your back gate. There is no use for dogs in the city, and precious little use for them any where else; and as Boz says of oysters – you always find a preponderance of dogs where you find the most poor people. Philadelphia's the place for dogs; in the suburbs, especially after night, if you escape from the onslaught of the rowdies, you will find the dogs a still greater and more atrocious nuisance. No rowdy, or gentleman at large, in the Quaker City, feels finished, without a lean, lank, hollow dog trotting along at their heels; while the butchers and horse-dealers revel in a profusion of mastiffs and dastardly curs, perfectly astounding – to us. This brings us to a short and rather pithy story of a dog sell.
Some years ago, a knot of men about town, gentlemen highly "posted up" on dogs, and who could talk hoss and dog equal to a Lord Bentick, or Hiram Woodruff, or "Acorn," or Col. Bill Porter, of the "Spirit," were congregated in a famous resort, a place known as Hollahan's. A dog-fight that afternoon, under the "Linden trees," in front of the "State House," gave rise to a spirited debate upon the result of the battle, and the respective merits of the two dogs. Words waxed warm, and the disputants grew boisterously eloquent upon dogs of high and low degree, – dogs they had read of, and dogs they had seen; and, in fact, we much doubt, if ever before or since – this side of "Seven Dials" or St. Giles', there was a more thorough and animated discussion, on dogs, witnessed.
An old and rusty codger, one whose outward bruises might have led a disciple of Paley to imagine they had caused a secret enjoyment within, sat back in the nearest corner, towards the stove, a most attentive auditor to the thrilling debate. Between his outspread feet, a dog was coiled up, the only indifferent individual present, apparently unconcerned upon the subject.
"Look here," says the old codger, tossing one leg over t'other, and taking an easy and convenient attitude of observation; "look here, boys, you're talkin' about dogs!"
"Dogs?" says one of the most prominent speakers.
"Dogs," echoes the old one.
"Why, yes, daddy, we are talking about dogs."
"What do you know about dogs?" says a full-blown Jakey, looking sharply at the old fellow.
"Know about dogs?"
"A' yes-s," says Jakey. "I bet dis five dollars, ole feller, you don't know a Spaniel from a butcher's cur!"
"Well," responds the old one, transposing his legs, "may be I don't, but it's my 'pinion you'd make a sorry fiste at best, if you had tail and ears a little longer!"
This sally amused all but the young gentleman who "run wid de machine," and attracted general attention towards the old man, in whose eyes and wrinkles lurked a goodly share of mother wit and shrewdness. Jakey backing down, another of the by-standers put in.
"Poppy, I expect you know what a good dog is?"
"I reckon, boys, I orter. But I'm plaguy dry listening to your dog talk – confounded dry!"
"What'll you drink, daddy?" said half a dozen of the dog fanciers, thinking to wet the old man's whistle to get some fun out of him. "What'll you drink? – come up, daddy."
"Sperrets, boys, good old sperrets," and the old codger drank; then giving his lips a wipe with the back of his hand, and drawing out a long, deep "ah-h-h-h!" he again took his seat, observing, as he partially aroused his ugly and cross-grained mongrel —
"Here's a dog, boys."
"That your dog, dad?" asked several.
"That's my dog, boys. He is a dog."
"Ain't he, tho'?" jocularly responded the dog men.
"What breed, daddy, do you call that dog of yours?" asked one.
"Breed? He ain't any breed, he ain't. Stand up, Barney, (jerking up the sneaking-looking thing.) He's no breed, boys; look at him – see his tushes; growl, Barney, growl! – Ain't them tushes, boys? He's no breed, boys; he's original stock!"
"Well, so I was going to say," says one.
"That dog," says another, "must be valuable."
"Waluable?" re-echoes the old man; "he is all that, boys; I wouldn't sell him; but, boys, I'm dry, dry as a powder horn – so much talkin' makes one dry."
"Well, come up, poppy; what'll you take?" said the boys.
"Sperrets, boys; good old sperrets. I do like good sperrets, boys, and that sperrets, Mister (to the ruffled-bosomed bar-keeper), o' your'n is like my dog —can't be beat!"
"Well, daddy," continued the dog men, "where'd you get your dog?"
"That dog," said the old fellow, again giving his mouth a back-hander, and his "ah-h-h!" accompaniment; "well, I'll tell you, boys, all about it."
"Do, poppy, that's right; now, tell us all about it," they cried.
"Well, boys, 'd any you know Ben. McConachy, out here at the Risin' Sun Tavern?"
"We've heard of him, daddy – go on," says they.
"Well, I worked for Ben. McConachy, one winter; he was a pizen mean man, but his wife – wasn't she mean? Why, boys, she'd spread all the bread with butter afore we sat down to breakfast; she'd begin with a quarter pound of butter, and when she'd got through, she had twice as much left."
"But how about the dog, daddy? Come, tell us about your dog."
"Well, yes, I'll tell you, boys. You see, Ben. McConachy owned this dog; set up, Barney – look at his ears, boys – great, ain't they? Well, Ben's wife was mean – meaner than pizen. She hated this dog; she hated any thing that et; she considered any body, except her and her daughter (a pizen ugly gal), that et three pieces of bread and two cups of coffee at a meal, awful!"
"Blow the old woman; tell us about the dog, poppy," said they.
"Now, I'm coming to the pint – but, Lord! boys, I never was so dry in my life. I am dry – plaguy dry," said the old one.
"Well, daddy, step up and take something; come," said the dog men; "now let her slide. How about the dog?"
"Ah-h-h-h! that's great sperrets, boys. Mister (to the bar-keeper), I don't find such sperrets as that often. Well, boys, as you're anxious to hear about the dog, I'll tell you all about him. You see, the old woman and Ben. was allers spatten 'bout one thing or t'other, and 'specially about this dog. So one day Ben. McConachy hears a feller wanted to buy a good dog, down to the drove yard, and he takes Barney – stand up, Barney – see that, boys; how quick he minds! Great dog, he is. Well, Ben. takes Barney, and down he goes to the drove yard. He met the feller; the feller looked at the dog; he saw Barney was a dog – he looked at him, asked how old he was; if that was all the dog Ben. owned, and he seemed to like the dog – but, boys, I'm gittin' dry —rotted dry– "
"Go on, tell us all about the dog, then we'll drink," says the boys.
"'Well,' says Ben. McConachy to the feller, 'now, make us an offer for him.' Now, what do you suppose, boys, that feller's first offer was?"
The boys couldn't guess it; they guessed and guessed; some one price, some another, all the way from five to fifty dollars – the old fellow continuing to say "No," until they gave it up.
"Well, boys, I'll tell you – that feller, after looking and looking at Ben. McConachy's dog, tail to snout, half an hour —didn't offer a red cent for him! Ben. come home in disgust and give the dog to me – there he is. Now, boys, we'll have that sperrets."
But on looking around, the boys had cut the pit —mizzled!