Before breaking the laptop, I was enthusiastic to continue working as a programmer at home. But the fact that I continued to destroy the things around me greatly wrecked me. Many months passed before I again began to take up new projects from time to time.
Having a new laptop and no longer having the desire to work, I started playing video games on it, which used to run at five frames per second on minimal settings. But at that time, I could play StarCraft 2 and GTA IV on maximum settings.
There was a case when months earlier I started playing video games again after I got sick and lay in bed with a fever. I downloaded Quake II to kill time and have some nostalgia, and during the playthrough I received a message saying that I started playing again – I do not remember if it was a telepathic message or a message in a dream. I deleted the game and went doing other things and continued my self-education. But the seed was sown, and from then on, I began to buy games and play them from time to time, which took more of my time than I would like.
From time to time, I still tried to write scripts. I tried to develop one of the ideas to the end. My cousin suggested that I give it to read to one of her acquaintances on television. The script was called weak, which was not a big surprise, since I wrote it in a hurry and I was not really thinking about the spiritual, so to speak, side of the script. The story did try to teach the main characters something, but the execution was weak and banal. Naturally, not a single Hollywood studio was interested in this script.
But I also had a chance to find out two more things important to me. When the cousin came, whom I had not seen for a long time, she was clearly of old age. It was a surprise for me to see her very changed face, since the last time I remembered her she was a very beautiful woman, and in very early childhood I even had a little crush on her, not understanding then about family ties… But at the same time with that discovery happened another moment when I spoke, and this time she was in shock to look at my face. Remembering the video of myself that I recorded after the shock of the second prostitute, I perfectly understood what was the reason for that new awkward episode…
It was evening when I was sitting in bed with my laptop in my lap, trying to direct my imagination in the right direction of screenwriting. Then, for yet another time, I began to focus my mind on what is in the present and not in my imagination. I clearly remember how I realized then that my habit of fantasizing is a very serious thing that cannot be underestimated. It must be treated as a disease or something else that really threatens life.
As I already wrote, before during the moments of full presence in the present moment I became clouded over with sadness. I wanted to enjoy life, and not live in misery. Due to the scarcity of my spiritual and material knowledge at that time, I returned to imagination, motivating it with the fact that I actually knew from my own experience that it was very easy to get out of this state – you just need to focus on five senses, rejecting all other thoughts that have nothing to do with the surrounding reality.
But this time was different, and I was implacable in my decision to live in the present. Soon, I accidentally looked at my palm and saw on it something that most certainly had not been there before – a short line crossing over my life line.
I only read a little about palmistry. I cannot say that I totally believed in it, but I cannot say that I did not believe in it either. I am neutral in this matter, about which more serious scientific research should be conducted. Nevertheless, the knowledge that I had influenced my decisions. For example, I made a rather ridiculous decision to continue to masturbate based on the fact that under the little fingers of my hand there were lines that, as far as I know, in palmistry mean that a person will have children. I made myself believe that masturbation would not affect the search for my mate for life since I was “destined” to have children.
Then, a very long time ago I read about the case when a fortuneteller foretold a man on his arm that he was destined to die soon by suffocating. Fearing that someone would strangle him, he went to the desert where there would be absolutely no one. Soon, a sandstorm rose in the desert, and the man suffocated from a lack of oxygen. I used to think that story was true, not seeing some problem moments with logic of that story.
And so that evening I was staring at the newly formed short line on my palm, recalling what I wrote about in the previous paragraph, as well as the fact that a long time ago in the village I also had a clear red sport appear on my life line right when I was thinking of suicide, and it immediately disappeared after I came to my senses. I knew then that that short line was the direct consequence of my decision to completely rebuild my thinking and live in the present. And I thought I knew then that that short line crossing the life line means death. But I was relentless in my decision and did not intend to turn off, because I decided then that it would be better for me to die than to live in such a wildest state of consciousness when I could hardly be called a man. I thought that I already knew in this life everything that could be learned from my experience with imagination, and therefore there was no reason to return to that state of my own free will.
That night I had a dream where in the schoolyard in front of my house the father of my best childhood friend approached me. He told me then that there is still something to learn in this life.
When I woke up, I thought about the message of that dream and decided that I would continue to dream, but I would only do it “slightly”. The short line was no longer on my palm.
I decided to continue working, but soon realized that I was starting to get bored of working as a freelancer. Based on what projects I did, I decided to create my own website where I would sell my web applications. I made a couple of applications, made a website, and worked on the integration of a payment system. I remember how I wanted to make a feature of free trial of the application before buying it, and I had a button with the screaming name “Try before you buy!”
It was day and then suddenly I saw Thao's face in front of my open eyes. The vision disappeared after a moment. One of the reasons for this vision was that it allowed me to understand that I did not want to trade anything at all, since it went against my nature, my principles and knowledge. I stopped working on the payment system and shifted my focus to ad units. As a result, that website with web applications never saw the light of day. Another indirect reason was that it was another indisputable evidence that Thao really existed, which meant that all the events described by Michel Desmarquet in the book Thiaoouba Prophecy really happened. Of course, I did not need any more evidence, and I did not look for it, but if earlier, in theory, someone could say that me seeing Thao’s face before my closed eyes right after sleep was some kind of a residual dream, or something like that, now it was no longer possible. I should also mention to you that to this day it was the only vision that I saw before my open eyes. All the others happened only when my eyes were closed.
By the way, until that event that happened during the day, I had a few more moments when after waking up I saw Thao's face in front of my eyes closed. But once, instead of Thao, the face of Biastra appeared before me. Why? Firstly, the previous day I walked along the street and decided to stop thinking about what I should do, and starting to live in the present – it was a sign for me that I was on the right track. Such visions after sleep often occurred after I made the right decision on the previous day, and the unexpected vision of Thao in the middle of the day meant the opposite, that I was going the wrong way. And secondly, I think that this was before my vision of Biastra’s face, when I received a message saying that Thao was busy at that time and could not be distracted by me for some time – and for some considerable time after that message I actually stopped having dreams with Thao, and I did not have any other unusual occurrences happen to me. I realized then that the message was from Biastra.
In that segment of my life, I almost always lay in bed not being able to walk a couple of meters from the door of my apartment. I often watched YouTube and I got interested in photography. When I was still working as a courier, I was thinking about buying a camera, but in the end, I bought an expensive phone with a high-resolution camera. The quality of the images left much to be desired, although the macro photos were pretty good. Now I had done what would have been nice to have done before – I learned better about cameras: sensor size, aperture, photosensitivity, etc. I was thinking about buying a camera, but I had very little money left after buying a laptop. I knew for sure that I wanted a camera with a large sensor, but I did not know which one.
One night I had a dream in which I was told something like: “We will buy you a camera”. I confess that in the morning I had questions for this dream. Firstly, I was a little confused by the fact that Thiaooubians (from whom I thought that dream came) spoke about money – although now I understand perfectly well that each tool can be used for the benefit of others, and money is no exception, even if it is one of the main dangers to humanity that Thao spoke about. Secondly, during that dream, I had a feeling of “parenthood” emanating from the speaker. Of course, if we recall that our Planet of Sorrows is comparable to a kindergarten, then Thiaooubians could well be comparable to the “parents”. But, I think, I felt a little awkward because my mother was in the same room with me, and somewhere in the back of my mind I did not want to “betray” her. It is not easy for me to describe all those feelings in words, but the important thing is that soon in one of the stores there was a discount on a camera with a Micro 4/3 mount. The discount was 30%, and the camera itself was perfect for me. It was compact and lightweight, as were its lenses. The quality of the pictures was very good for my modest needs. I spent ten thousand on it.
In mid-January 2012, a courier brought the camera, and the next day I tried to make my first outing in the long months. Naturally, I took the new camera with me. It was not easy for me to walk, and after a few meters from the entrance door the panic came over me. But if earlier during such moments I immediately wanted to go home fast, remembering well the incident on Boytsovaya Street, during that time I lifted my camera and started taking pictures to refocus my attention from the panic to what was happening on the camera’s monitor display and around me. It helped, and I went a few meters further forward! I reached a small square not far from home, taking new pictures.
The next day I was able to walk a couple of hundred meters further. And the next day, my growing confidence that everything would be fine allowed me to go even further, although I still could not go far, because the thought of how much I would have to go to the house in case something bad would happen would bring me a new panic and I would turn back.
Thus, the camera helped me a lot in my efforts to recover and return to normal life, and I understood the meaning of my previous dream about buying a camera for me.
But, unfortunately, pornography continued to “call” me to return to it in order to “watch” a video with another new beauty. As usual, I hated myself after another such “viewing” of porn videos. But on other days, on the contrary, I wanted to masturbate to porn. I remembered the words of Thao that they could, at will, experience both male and female sexual sensations at the same time. I am not at all surprised by the fact that I managed to force myself to believe that this somehow made masturbation the right thing. And so after many porn sessions I had a dream in which a familiar female voice said with a condescending tone similar to what people say to small children who do not understand simple things: “But these are different things!”
It must be said that this was not the first time that I confused erroneous activity with sex. So, I remember exactly how from my 13 to 18 years of age, I had thoughts that by masturbating I was having sex, which is safe, since for obvious reasons you cannot get infected with sexually transmitted viruses. Now, of course, I realize that I was very wrong when I thought masturbation was sex. The very mechanics of masturbation and sex are completely different, and, therefore, the sensations are also completely different.
Meanwhile, in early March, I again went outside with my camera. I walked a good walk that day, but coming up to the house I could not help but think about the still open window in our house. Mom went outside before me, and when she returned, she usually closed the window that was left open for airing. She really was not at home, and she did not answer her cell phone. I started to worry. First, I called aunt Zina and my father – no one knew where she was. Then I began to seriously worry. Having phoned a couple of hospitals and morgues, I found out that walking along the cemetery, my mother slipped on the icy yellow slope of the sidewalk and broke her thigh neck. This is one of the most serious fractures that a person can get. She was lying in the 29th Bauman Hospital, almost five kilometers from my house. I needed to bring a medical policy so that she could be treated.
Father was drunk at the time, but promised not to drink anymore and sober up to help me and my mother. But it would take several days to sober up for him.
I had not traveled this far for many years, and I was in mild horror. I went outside to take the tram on the first day, but did not dare to get into it. I decided to meditate at home in order to put myself at least somehow in order, and the next day I forced myself to just go into the tram car without thinking too far ahead. I also took with me the camera that helped me deal with panic attacks. It was not easy, but I came to the hospital and visited my mother, bringing the medical policy card, the charging device for her discharged phone, water, and some food.
The next day, we visited her with my father, and then, when I came alone, being already more confident in my well-being, mother’s sister Zina was visiting her.
Doctors performed tests to understand if mom could have had surgery on her leg since she was already sixty-one years old. Lord, sixty-one! I totally forgot, immersed in my inner world and worries, that time continued to go down its course and did not want to wait for anyone.
As a result, she underwent surgery to fasten the bones with osteosynthesis. After some time, mom was released from the hospital, and my father and I took her home by car.
But I need to mention one important dream that I had immediately after I found out that my mother was in the hospital with a very serious fracture, and that it would be my task to help her for the rest of life. Of course, I was ready to help her the best I could, but a clear thought did not leave me that my wish to go to the USA had met its end.
That night I had a dream that answered one of my questions which I often asked in outbursts of anger at my fate and misfortune – Why?
In the dream, me and two other girls were walking from the Sheredar’ River towards our village. We were lightly dressed, as it was a clear and hot summer day. Strange, but the fields on both sides of the road were completely covered with deep water. There was something like a spear in my hand, and as we moved further, I noticed some movement in the water to my right. Then I cried out very loudly: “Beavers!!!” – to warn people of imminent danger. I think that I got scared and ran away, leaving those two girls behind even though the spear hinted that I had to protect those people. While I was running back to the river one of the huge beavers, about 3 to 4 meters in length, and about one and a half meters in height, jumped out of the water, and as its huge mouth opened, getting closer and closer to my head, completely absorbing it, the picture stopped, and a message came from Thao saying that this was the reason why my mother broke her leg. I left her then, and now I need to be with her and help her.
There are some interesting moments from my life related to this dream.
One is that a very long time ago, when I was a little child, my mom and dad went to the village. It was spring, and the snow had already melted. We went to the river Sheredar’, and we were met by exactly the same picture as in my dream – the water completely hid fields underneath on either side of the road. Only the sky was cloudy and the air was cool. Having come to the river, I entertained myself by throwing sticks and pebbles into small funnels on the water, which formed as if spontaneously in different parts of the flooded field.
Another synchronicity lies in that my mother once mentioned that she saw stumps and trees nibbled by beavers. She said she was a little afraid of them because they had such sharp teeth. Then her fear of beavers seemed a little funny to me…
Then I found out that in North America there really were huge beavers over 12 000 years ago.[5] Additionally, I found several Native American legends about giant beavers attacking people, but that webpage is no longer available.
After some time, I wanted to see if the mouth of an extinct giant beaver really could fit a human head in it. The answer was positive.
A few months earlier, I had another dream message. I was asked in it why I wanted to go to the USA. The purpose of that dream was to open my eyes to the obvious things that I will accept only after many years. But perhaps that dream had an additional meaning? I thought then what if I had already lived in North America in past lives and therefore wanted to get there because of that, pining for old places? For example, I remembered that when we were children, my friend namesake went to live in the United States with his parents. I remember how an unusual feeling of a craving for America took hold of me for a moment after I heard that news.
Sometimes I wondered how the apartment, from which I sometimes very badly wanted to go to America, became like a fortress for me where I was comfortable psychologically. What would happen to me if I really went to America earlier in life and lost my health there that I could not go out anywhere?
In Moscow, I walked with my mother. She walked slowly with a walker. I took the camera with me to capture the new spring. I remember how I took pictures of sparrows, and the janitors somehow joyfully looked at me. Maybe too joyfully? In general, I tried to enjoy life and be positive. The positivity was dissolved when my mother and I walked slowly along the street, and I walked some distance forward from her. Then a woman with a dog approached my mother and began to ask her something, pointing at me. Soon she left, still looking strangely in my direction. Mom told me that she asked her if I was bothering her with something or somehow posed a threat. I was offended. I did not understand how that woman could come to this idea? After all, we just calmly and quietly walked along the street! Could my appearance somehow contribute to that situation? Then I was with long hair which I did not cut for many years since baldness did not allow me to have normal hairstyles. The hair itself, and my whole appearance, seemed completely normal in the mirror’s reflection. At heart, I realized that perhaps my constant presence in the inner world could somehow show itself even when I did not speak.
Speaking of being lost in my imagination and memories, which manifested themselves in the form of conversations with oneself in my mind, the matter got very serious. I remember watching a walkthrough of the “Halo” game, and Cortana (artificial intelligence) said that she would think herself to death. I remembered that phrase very well because I felt that this was exactly what was happening to me during that period of my life. I just could not stop thinking. I was thinking about something all the time! It does not matter what about. The important thing is that my brain did not have a second of rest, and my strength was leaving me. I understood that I would die if I continued to go down this path. As you can see, I managed to change the course of my life.
Did I tell my parents about my experience with Thiaoouba and about my knowledge? I did try. A few years earlier, I tried with occasional stammering to tell my father about Thiaoouba when we were driving to our village. I do not know what he thought about all this. He was a kind person and tried to be understanding towards others. I told my mother about the book too, and she read it. But it was clear that she did not particularly believe that information.
Unfortunately, when I showed her my ability to move light things with the power of thought, she still did not take the book seriously.
I have not mentioned in this book yet that I learned telekinesis at about the same time as I learned to see Auras and astral projection. There was a funny moment at school when my classmate jokingly tried to move a bottle cap with his power of thought. And he really tried to use power, or force, as his whole face was in tension. Naturally, the bottle cap stood still. When I came home from school, while laughing at myself, I tried to move some object without touching it. To no avail. But now that I knew that people could really learn to move objects with the “power” of thought, I was no longer in the mood for jokes. Thao demonstrated to Michel telekinesis and levitation. In both cases she had to concentrate.
Recently, I studied physics and read about leverage which with a small expenditure of force can move heavy objects. This idea remained in my head, and I decided to suspend a meter-long thread and began to try activating different parts of my brain to move the tip of that thread with just “thought” alone. I could not understand if the tip of the thread was moving because of me or because of my breathing, or maybe because of draft. The next day I went to the bathroom where I hooked the thread to the tube for the curtain. I sat on the washing machine and with a handkerchief on my nose began to meditate on breathing in order to relax my body and mind. My eyes were open and looked at the tip of the thread. Trying to “turn on” different parts of my brain, I imagined that the thread was moving, and then I just tried to think about its movement, as if it was part of me. And finally, the tip of the suspended thread twitched! This was a sharp movement that clearly could not have been caused by either breathing or draft. Having regained concentration after surging excitement, I tried to shift the thread again. In the following days, I also tried to learn telekinesis, and each time with my success I could not believe that I was able to move light things with just my mind alone! Perhaps I was not even so enthusiastic and excited at the sight of Auras… although no, I was.
Sometimes I extended my right hand to the tip of the thread, so that my index finger was a centimeter from its end. I alternated pulling and pushing the thread to and from my finger. It was not easy, but the thread slowly and confidently was moving towards my finger. And when I “wanted” to push it away, the tip of the thread also moved away from my hand. In other sessions, I tried moving the tip of the thread by “drawing” the number 8 with it. I “imagined” its movement in my mind, and it really began to draw the number 8 in the air. Why did I just not rotate it in a circle? I think that I just liked to do things the hard way.
I practiced telekinesis every day, and soon I could move the end of the thread by a few centimeters. I decided to try to complicate my task and attached a small screw to the end of the thread. Having brought the finger of my hand closer to it, I could easily attract and repel this new light object. Moreover, I found that I could turn my finger so that the screw looked directly into the ground, and it was as if glued to my finger for as long as I “wished” that. I could also easily push the screw away from my hand, and then immediately pull it back. It was at that time that I decided to call my mother to show her my abilities. She saw this contactless movement of the screw, but without saying anything special, she went off to attend to her material concerns…
Sometimes during my practices I felt as if energy was coming out from my fingertips, which is also reported by people who, according to them, can move objects without touching them physically.
But there were bad times in those early years after finding the most important book in my life (and perhaps in the world). One of them happened when I was walking along Prospekt Budennogo near a local school, and in front of me were two pretty young girls. I will never forget those feelings of resentment and depression when they looked at me and laughed, trying to cover their mouths with their hands. There is no question that they laughed because of my appearance. It was not easy for me then. Additionally, I did not understand what was the reason for their laughter? Long hair that I had not cut for many years? Lip asymmetry? Or something else? Could me being lost in myself be reflected on my face, distorting it – I thought again?
Perhaps it was that moment that made me shave my head for the second time. This time I did it myself with scissors and a regular razor. I noticed longingly that the density of the hair was clearly less in the center of the head than on the sides. That certainly wasn't the case when I shaved my head for the first time…
I thought at that time that someone could love me for who I am, but then I realized that I myself could not accept myself with such an appearance. My plan was to stay bald forever, but I changed my mind, deciding to postpone the inevitable into the future. It was also painful to realize that it was unlikely that the girls I liked would want to be with me.
But there was something else dark in my life. When I read Thiaoouba Prophecy, I remember exactly how uncomfortable I felt when Thao started talking about a man who is a failure – someone repressed, frustrated, inhibited; someone ignored, who yearns for recognition. I felt uncomfortable then because I saw myself in many of the first words listed.
Thao then talked about sensationalist journalists who thoughtlessly broadcast a lot of violence, and sometimes even look for it in order to rise in the ranking. She mentioned the importance of applying psychology on television so that people with the aforementioned problems in life do not dare to take up arms and kill people in order to get to the front pages of newspapers, even posthumously. It is enough for news agencies to say just in one sentence about the occurred incident, without giving the name of the killer and other details, so as not to push another similar person to such savagery in search for his moment of “glory”.
Unfortunately, the journalists obviously did not listen to Thiaooubians, and new cases of mass shooting were taking place in the USA. Another time, I came across a story about a guy with “awkward social skills” who decided to kill a girl he liked and who was about to marry another guy. I felt sorry for the injured and the dead, although I knew that they would be reincarnated in a new body again, but I could not help but feel sympathy for the killers themselves, because every time I listened to TV reporters, I felt like they were talking about me – our life situations were so similar… I roughly understood what those people were going through in their lives…
Since my desire to move to the United States was over, or almost over, I was thinking about starting to look for a girlfriend. The pigeon partly helped me with this, as he found a new feathered female companion. If for Cesar Millan the dogs were teachers, then for me at that moment the pigeon was my teacher, whose damaged leg did not prevent him from living a full-fledged pigeon life in a big city.
I became very attached to my feathered friend. So much so that when he did not visit me for several days, I thought he was dead, and I got upset to tears. That night, I had a dream with Thao and the others. They said something about the pigeon, but I remember almost nothing. Then the pigeon flew back to my window, as if nothing had happened.
I was thinking of going to the center and maybe approaching some girl. But there was a problem. This is very ridiculous, but every time my physical and psychological state was restored enough for a trip to the city center, I again went to porn sites, telling myself that I was fine, I just need to continue to be focused on the present after the end of my self-satisfaction session. It was difficult to focus my mind, and this cycle was repeated again, again, and again, each time greatly worsening my health. I could not go anywhere to get to know anyone. I tried to go out after another regression, going farther and farther every day, but the result was always the same. I often asked back then why do other people feel normal after masturbation, while I should suffer so much? “Where's the justice?” – I thought again.
This health situation was very incomprehensible. When I was still working as a merchandiser, I sometimes had to run fast in order to be able to cross the street while the green light was on. I noticed then that I felt absolutely normal. Then, when I was no longer working, I ran around Cherkizovsky pond a couple of times; I ran about 2 kilometers per run. Everything was fine with my hearts too, and I could easily walk after a run. But as soon as I masturbated and got an orgasm – even if I did it very, very quickly, just to remove thoughts about sex from my head, and at the same time I wasted the least amount of physical strength – I immediately began to have heart problems, the rhythm of which began to be accelerated… I did not understand why. Internet searches also failed; I could only find the question of one person who had the same problems after masturbation as I did, but no one answered him anything useful…