Regency Surrender: Passion And Rebellion

Suddenly everything fell into place with sickening disappointment. She couldn’t bear to think Lord Havelock was the kind of man who preyed on defenceless females. When he’d taken that robber boy under his wing, she even started to think that...to think that...

Oh, how could she have been so naïve?

‘I do not want the kind of friendship you are offering me,’ she snapped. ‘Poor I may be, but I would never, ever...’

His brows snapped down. ‘Nor would I, ever, make a gently bred girl the kind of offer you seem to think I’m about to make. What kind of man do you think I am?’

She flushed. Felt her insides skid about as much as when she’d tried to walk a straight path on the ice. ‘I...I don’t know what kind of man you are, that’s just the point. I just cannot see why you should concern yourself over someone like me. I’m nobody. And it’s not as if I’m even pretty. And you’re so handsome and dashing you could have any girl you want at the snap of your fingers.’

In mortification, her hand flew to her mouth, though it was too late to stop the words that had tumbled out.

And letting go of the branch proved to be as reckless as speaking her mind. For her left leg promptly shot off to the right while her right leg went straight forward. She had no choice but to grab hold of the front of Lord Havelock’s coat, which had the effect of spinning them both right round, then landing her flush up against the tree trunk, with her wedged between it and the solid bulk of his body.

‘So. You think I’m so handsome I could have any girl I wanted, do you?’

‘I didn’t mean it!’ She uncurled her fingers and gave his coat a firm shove. It only had the effect of propelling her harder against the tree. ‘At least,’ her honesty compelled her to admit, ‘I didn’t mean to say it out loud.’

‘But you did say it,’ he replied with a grin, closing the small gap she’d opened up between them. ‘Which gives me hope. I was beginning to think I’d never break through your defences.’

‘B-break through my defences? Why would you want to do that? And as for saying never...why, we only met a handful of days ago.’

‘And yet the attraction was instant. And powerful. You feel it, too. Though you are trying to resist it.’

She hadn’t thought it possible to feel more embarrassed, but hearing him lay her innermost soul bare in that way, when she hadn’t even worked it all out for herself, was utterly mortifying.

‘You don’t need to resist it, Miss Carpenter. For I want you, too. Very much. And just so there is no misunderstanding about it, I mean, as my wife.’

It was just as well she was wedged between the tree, and his body, because the shock of hearing him propose took all the strength from her legs.

‘Your wife? But you cannot!’

‘Why not?’

‘Because we know nothing about each other.’

‘We know enough,’ he said, giving her another one of those melting looks. She was suddenly very aware of how close they were. And how their breath, rising on the air in two plumes of white vapour, mingled and merged not very far up into one cloud.

‘Let me prove it to you.’

He began to lower his head. Her breath hitched in her throat. He was going to attempt to kiss her. And there was no way to escape. If he let go of her, she would fall over.

That was the moment she realised he wasn’t actually holding her. No, she was the one who was clinging to him, or at least, to his coat. But it was only so that she wouldn’t fall over. Not because...

Not because...

And anyway, if she really, really didn’t want him to kiss her, all she would have to do was turn her head away and his lips would land relatively harmlessly on her cheek.

But she couldn’t move her head. She stayed frozen in place while his mouth came closer and closer to hers. Until his lips touched hers. Pressed, and caressed, and coaxed her own apart. And then their breath was mingling not five feet up in the air, but in her very mouth. And the swirling sensation went right down through her stomach, getting hotter, and hotter, until she wondered that the ice beneath their feet did not melt and suck them down into a vortex that would drown them both.

She’d never felt anything like it in her life. So powerfully all-consuming. So compelling that she didn’t care if carrying on experiencing it did melt the ice and she drowned.

With a whimper, she pressed up against him and slid her arms round his waist. His own went round hers, so that she was no longer the one clinging to him, but they were clinging to each other.

‘So,’ he breathed, ending the most wonderful encounter she’d ever had in her life, ‘you will marry me, then?’

‘What?’ Hearing him persist in talking of marriage felt like plunging right through the ice into the black void beneath. ‘No!’

She tried to pull out of his arms, skidded and had no choice but to grab hold of him again.

‘What do you mean no?’ He frowned down at her. ‘You enjoyed that kiss as much as I did.’

‘That is not the point.’

‘Then what is the point? What can you possibly want from life, if you can turn up your nose at a proposal from a dashing, handsome, and I’ll have you know, solvent peer of the realm? Who could have any other woman for the snapping of my fingers?’

She sucked in a short, shocked breath. How cruel of him to fling her very own words back in her face.

And his face was hard now, harder than she’d ever seen it. Gone was the mask of affability he’d worn when he’d been trying to win her round. Gone the charming smile and the warmth in his eyes. It had been replaced by something with which she was far more familiar.

Cold, hard anger.

Oh, but it was just as well she’d seen this side of him, before it was too late. Before she’d forgotten just how miserable her father had made her mother, within the cage that their marriage had become. She would never, ever, let a man bully her and break her down. Nor coerce her with...with deceitfully delightful kisses!

This time when she tried to break from his hold, he let her go. As though he’d recognised the determination in her eyes and realised it was over.

‘The only sort of man I would even consider marrying,’ she retorted, ‘not that I have any intention of doing anything so stupid, would be...would be...a sailor!’

‘A what?’

‘You heard me. A sailor.’

‘Why the deuce would you prefer a sailor to me?’

‘Because a sailor,’ she snapped, almost beside herself with fury at the way she was having to hang on to a tree merely to maintain her upright position, while he was standing there, hands on his hips, looking down his nose at her with the kind of disdain only an aristocrat could ever muster, ‘would hand over his money, and go off to sea for months, perhaps even years, and leave me in peace to live exactly as I wished!’

There. That had done it. He’d stalk away now—or rather skate away—without a backward glance. And never deign to so much as recognise her if he saw her in the street.

But to her astonishment, he did no such thing. On the contrary, the anger that had seemed to consume him vanished as he flung back his head and burst out laughing.

‘You are perfect,’ he cried, taking hold of her by the elbows and restoring her to a more upright stance. ‘Absolutely perfect. You no more want to get married than I do!’

‘But...if you don’t want to get married, then why...?’

‘Look, there are reasons why I need to have a wife. Which I won’t go into just yet. But I am definitely willing to hand over a deal of my money, and leave you alone, if that’s what you want. We can live virtually separate lives, if, after an initial period, you find you really can’t stand the sight of me. I shan’t cut up rough. You’ll still have a generous allowance.’

‘An allowance?’ She couldn’t quite get her breath. She shook her head. ‘I don’t understand....’

‘Come, Miss Carpenter, I can see you are tempted, if not by my kisses, then at least by my money.’

‘That sounds... You’re making me sound horrible. Mercenary....’

‘Then what can I offer you, that would make you agree to take my hand? Name it. Whatever it is you’ve always craved, and feared you could never have, I will give it to you.’

‘You can’t want to marry me that much....’

‘So there is something? I knew it. Tell me and it shall be yours.’

‘It isn’t anything...really.’

‘It’s something.’

‘Well, it’s just that of late...’ She stopped and shook her head.

‘Yes? Come on, tell me. If it is in my power to give it, I will.’

‘It will probably sound silly to you. But...oh, I so wish I could have a room of my own. A room I can do whatever I want in. Where people have to knock before they come in. A room that nobody can ever turn me out of...’ She faltered to a halt as tears stung her eyes. She hadn’t realised how precious privacy was, until she’d been forced out of her childhood home, and had to rely on the grudging charity of others. Even here, in London, she had to share not only a room, but a bed, with two other girls. They’d made space for her, but it was just a corner. And she was sick of having to make do with just claiming a corner of other people’s rooms.

‘You want security,’ he said, once more hitting the nail on the head. ‘I can give you that. And as for privacy, well, I have several properties. And you may have your very own room in each one of them.’

‘Really?’ It sounded too good to be true. ‘But I still don’t understand why...’

‘Never you mind about why,’ he grated. ‘Just think about this.’ And without further ado, he pulled her into his arms, and kissed her again. And this time, there was nothing gentle, or tentative, about it. This kiss was one that claimed her, body and soul. She had no more chance of escaping him than a snowball did of surviving in the kitchen fire.

She melted into him, swept away by his ardour, her own body’s clamouring and the joyous thought that if she agreed to his proposal, she would have a place of her own. Money to spend as she wanted.

And kisses like this.

She came out of her blissful haze to the sound of Dotty and Lotty, shrieking.

And opened her eyes to see them speeding across the ice towards her.

Lord Havelock spun round to face them, his arm snaking round her waist as they offered their congratulations on a betrothal she hadn’t actually voiced her agreement to.

But she couldn’t very well say so. Why else would she have been kissing a man, in broad daylight, unless it was because they’d just become engaged?

Then something struck her. ‘You can both skate. You don’t need Mr Morgan to stop you falling over at all!’

Dotty and Lotty, completely unabashed, giggled, took her by an arm each and towed her away from her...well, she supposed she had to call him her fiancé.

‘If he’d known we could skate, do you think he would have let us hang on to him like that? He’s the most hardened case in town. Girls have been trying to get him to the altar since...oh, for ever, and nobody has yet got as far as either of us did today.’

She blinked at them in shock. They’d been pretending they couldn’t skate, just so they could get close to him?

She’d never heard of anything so...unscrupulous!

Unless it was letting everyone think she’d just accepted a proposal, when she had no intention of doing any such thing.

Chapter Five

He held her hand, in the carriage, all the way home.

She could have tugged it free, she supposed, but then she would have to explain herself.

And she had no excuse. None. She couldn’t very well claim Lord Havelock had forced those kisses on her. She’d put her arms round him and kissed him back. With some enthusiasm.

And Dotty and Lotty looked so pleased for her. Even Mr Morgan had a twinkle in his eye, and a smile that softened that stern mouth whenever he glanced at their clasped hands.

Her stomach clenched into a cold, hard knot. If she made any attempt, now, to tell them they’d all made a terrible mistake, then...well, she wasn’t sure quite what would happen, but there was bound to be a dreadful scene. She’d upset everyone badly enough by shouting at a man in public. What would they make of her kissing one?

It would be better to wait till they got home. She’d beg a few moments alone with her aunt, and try to explain what had happened. And then...

And then the carriage stopped, and Lotty and Dotty leapt out and went bounding up the front steps, shrieking out the news of her betrothal.

And when Aunt Pargetter came to the front door, it was to Lord Havelock she held out her hands. Even when Mary made frantic signals, behind his back, to try to convey her need to speak with her, she paid no heed.

‘In a moment, Mary,’ she said. ‘His lordship wants to have a private word with me first. Since Mr Pargetter is not at home just now. Though I can guess what you want to say,’ she finished, shooting him an arch look.

‘No, no, I don’t think you could possibly...’ she said, though her voice was drowned out by Lord Havelock saying, ‘My behaviour has been a little unconventional. I should have approached you, that is to say, Mr Pargetter, first, and asked your permission to pay my addresses.’

‘Not at all,’ said Aunt Pargetter, ushering him into her husband’s study. ‘We aren’t legally Mary’s guardians, you know. She is free to make her own choices.’

‘Nevertheless...’

And then the study door closed on whatever he’d been about to say, leaving Mary on the wrong side of it.

Free to make her own choices! If only that were true.

And then Dotty and Lotty were shooing her into the front parlour and divesting her of her coat.

‘She’s in a complete daze,’ said Dotty, untying the ribbons of her bonnet.

‘No wonder,’ said Lotty, pushing her into a chair. ‘His lordship swept her completely off her feet.’

‘No, he didn’t, it was the opposite. He stopped her slipping over,’ quipped Dotty with a giggle. ‘Got his arm round her waist and held her so tight she couldn’t possibly have lost her footing.’

‘Oh, I’ve never seen anything so romantic.’

‘Romantic? No! I...’

‘Oh, but it was,’ sighed Dotty, pressing her hands to her heart and flinging herself backwards on to the sofa as though in a swoon.

‘Aren’t you cross with me? Why aren’t you cross with me? When the whole purpose of going skating at all was to try and...and... Well, you were both trying so hard to attract Mr Morgan....’

Who was nowhere in sight, she suddenly realised. The moment they’d gone into the house, he’d slipped away, unnoticed in all the excitement.

‘Oh, that’s so sweet,’ said Lotty. ‘And so like you, to think of us, rather than yourself.’

Dotty bounced off the sofa, and flung her arms round her neck. ‘You mustn’t feel bad because you got a proposal, today, and not us. And as for Mr Morgan...’ She made an airy gesture with one hand. ‘When a man as wealthy as that, and single, comes your way you simply have to make a push to get him interested. But it’s not as if either of us developed a tendre for him, did we, Lotty?’

Lotty shook her head so hard her ringlets bounced.

‘Yes, but...’ As she floundered to a halt against the impenetrable barrier of her own behaviour, Lotty and Dotty both collapsed in giggles again.

And then they heard the front door slam, and Aunt Pargetter came in, beaming all over her face.

‘Mary, I’m so proud of you,’ she said, enveloping her in a lavender-scented hug.

‘No...you shouldn’t be. I didn’t mean to...’

‘Well, I dare say that is what won him round. You are so very...modest. And...and, oh, everything a lady ought to be, I’m sure. A viscountess,’ she exclaimed, sinking on to the sofa next to Dotty, gazing at her with starry eyes. ‘You will be presented at court...’

The girls both squealed with an excitement that passed Mary by completely.

‘And you will go to all the most tonnish events.’

‘But...’ Mary attempted to protest.

‘And then,’ she carried on, regardless, ‘once you are established, you will be able to invite all those tonnish people to parties you throw.’

Mary blinked, completely unable to envision herself ever throwing any kind of party.

‘And I just know you are too kind-hearted to forget my girls. This will be a foot in the door to a world they’d had no hope of entering otherwise. And with both of them being so pretty—no offence to you, my dear, but if you managed to land yourself a viscount, without even trying, only think what my girls could accomplish. I shouldn’t wonder at it if this means an earl, or perhaps even a marquis....’

No wonder they’d let Mr Morgan escape without a twinge of regret. The girls now had visions of getting themselves a title apiece.

‘Aunt Pargetter, please! You don’t understand. I never actually wanted to get married. I thought I would...find work as a housekeeper, or a governess, or something....’

‘Well, that is because you lived in such an out-of-the-way spot, and didn’t have any prospects,’ said her aunt complacently.

‘And she feels a touch guilty,’ explained Dotty. ‘For stealing a march on us.’

‘Oh, we don’t begrudge you your good fortune,’ said her aunt kindly.

‘No, but...’

‘Well, I can see this sudden reversal in your prospects has overwhelmed you,’ she said, tilting her head to one side. ‘And no wonder, if all you ever hoped for was to obtain some menial position. A good strong cup of tea is what you need.’ She flicked her hand to Lotty, who went to the fireplace and pulled the bell to summon the maid.

‘And you are so shy,’ she added with a knowing nod, ‘that having such a very...masculine man as Lord Havelock positively...bowl you over...’

‘Yes, he did, Mama. He kissed her quite passionately.’

‘Twice!’

Oh, if only the chair cushions would open up and swallow her whole.

‘Oh,’ said her aunt with a sympathetic look as Mary’s face heated to what felt like boiling point. ‘I see what this is. But, my dear,’ she said, reaching across to pat her hand, ‘Lord Havelock must be very taken with you, to propose so quickly. You know, I saw there was something, that very first night at the Crimmers’. Why, he started at the sight of you as though...as though his ship had come in, as you would probably say. It is clearly a case of love at first sight.’

As though that made it all right.

Except that it was most definitely not love at first sight. The things he’d said made that crystal clear. Like, going their separate ways, for instance. And being glad she was no more keen to marry than he was. Immediately after he’d proposed.

She shook her head in complete frustration. There was no way she was going to be able to get Aunt Pargetter to understand her reluctance to marry. Or the girls, not now their heads were full of eligible titled men.

There was only one thing for it. She would have to tell Lord Havelock, to his face, that she couldn’t go through with it.

And then—she glanced at the happy, glowing faces of her aunt and cousins—she’d have to endure their disappointment.

* * *

Lord Havelock was coming to call on Mary the very next day, Aunt Pargetter informed her husband over dinner that night. To talk about arrangements.

So Mary had all night to marshal her arguments. And the longer she thought, the more convinced she became that he wouldn’t be all that bothered to have it all come to nothing. Hadn’t he said he was no keener to get married than she was? He’d probably just thought he had to propose, after kissing her in such a public place. Especially as she’d made it crystal clear she wouldn’t be his mistress.

It was the only reason that could possibly account for it.

Satisfied she’d reached the nub of the matter, and that Lord Havelock would be positively grateful when she let him off the hook, Mary finally drifted off to sleep. And if a few tears leaked from under her tightly closed eyelids, they were only a symptom of the extreme stress she’d been under all day. She was relieved, truly she was. And quite calm, now that the terrifying prospect of being shoehorned into a marriage she really, really didn’t want was over.

* * *

It was strange, therefore, that the next morning she felt as though her limbs were weighted with lead.

It was worry, that was what was making it so hard to dress, or eat breakfast. Worry that she might not be able to persuade her aunt to let her have a few moments alone with Lord Havelock. The fear she might have to continue with the charade one moment longer.

So why did her heart sink still further when Lord Havelock was the one to ask if he could have some private speech with her? He was giving her the very opportunity she sought, to speak freely.

‘Won’t you sit down?’ It was the only thing Mary could think of to say. She’d never been on her own in a room with a man and this one seemed to fill it with his presence. It wasn’t as if he was particularly tall, but he was so full of energy. She could still feel the strength of him as he’d guided her round the ice the day before, his arm effortlessly pinning her to his side. How immovable he’d been when she’d tried to push him away after the kiss.

The kiss. She shouldn’t have thought about the kiss. It made every single inch of her feel far too...feminine.

He took a seat as close to hers as he could find, which didn’t help. Now he could reach out and take her hand, if he wanted. Or she could reach out and take his.

Not that she wanted to. Absolutely not!

‘Thank you for agreeing to speak with me alone,’ he said. ‘I know it is a little unconventional, but there are things we do need to talk about.’

‘Yes, there are,’ she agreed. ‘I understand that you felt obliged to make me an offer of marriage, yesterday, after kissing me.’ She couldn’t look at his face. Not with his mouth right there, close enough that if she leaned forward, and he leaned forward, just the tiniest bit, they could be kissing again. She looked hard at her hands instead, which she was clasping tightly on her lap. ‘And I’m also aware that you do not truly wish to marry me. And so I release you—’

‘You jolly well don’t!’ He leapt to his feet again. ‘No wriggling out of this. You gave me your word....’

‘Actually, I didn’t. You said a lot of things, and everyone congratulated us, but I never, not once, said I would marry you.’

‘Well, you are going to marry me and that’s that.’

‘No.’ She got to her feet, as well. She wasn’t going to risk backing down simply because she felt intimidated with him looming over her like that. ‘It is better to end this engagement now than to take a step we will both regret for the rest of our lives.’

She’d seen, at close quarters, just how miserable two people could become when bound together by chains of matrimony that neither of them wished for any longer.

‘Our engagement will only end one way,’ he growled, jabbing his forefinger at her. ‘In marriage.’

She flinched at the first physical expression of his anger, but held her ground.

‘I’ve already purchased the licence,’ he rapped out. ‘And spoken to your uncle, and taken a light-fingered guttersnipe into my employ all on your account. We. Are. Getting. Married.’

As the volume of his voice increased, the memories of raised voices that led to clenched fists, and thence to bruised ribs, made her recall how dangerous it was to be some man’s wife, some man’s property to deal with as he saw fit. And she began to tremble.

‘If this is an indication of the way you mean to go on, whenever your will is crossed, then...’

His eyes widened. He shook his head and ran his fingers through his hair.

‘I didn’t mean to scare you. Please...’ he waved a hand at the chair ‘...sit down again and I will try to talk this over calmly.’

‘Only if you sit down, too.’

He frowned, then nodded.

Gingerly, she sat in the chair he’d indicated and he sat down, too.

‘Look, Miss Carpenter. I have a terrible, hasty temper. Bane of my life, actually, but I do try not to let it govern my actions, the way it once did. I am sorry I let it get the better of me this morning. Ungentlemanly of me.’ He lowered his head for an instant, the picture of contrition, before lifting it, looking directly into her eyes, and saying, ‘Do you think you could find it in your heart to forgive my...outburst and start this interview again?’

She could hardly believe it. He didn’t appear to believe, the way her father had, that it was his God-given right to harangue a female, when he had her behind closed doors. On the contrary, he’d said it was ‘ungentlemanly’ behaviour. And had asked her to forgive him.

How could she do anything but forgive him? When she nodded, mutely, he heaved a sigh of relief.

‘Thank you. It is just that...this means so much to me. And I was so certain you felt the same way I did. That the fact you were a touch reluctant to get married would make us...allies. Then the cool way you talked about pulling the rug from under my feet just made me—’ He broke off, shaking his head as though he didn’t have the words to describe what he felt.

She felt every bit as confused as he looked.

‘But if you don’t truly want to get married, then...’

He heaved another sigh and ran his fingers through his unruly curls again.

‘I don’t truly want to get married, no,’ he admitted. ‘But I cannot see any other way out. But it’s not because I’m in debt, or anything of that nature. My trustees have done a sterling job of managing my capital, up till now. Of course the trust will wind up when I get married,’ he said gloomily. ‘So I’m going to have to learn all that side of things myself now.’

‘And you don’t want to.’

He shrugged. ‘In some ways it will be good to take up the reins myself instead of letting others drive the team. But I’m going to be far busier with that sort of thing than I’d like.’ He slouched back into his seat, his expression mulish.

‘Well, then, why? If it isn’t money? And you aren’t really ready to...take up the reins...’ And it certainly wasn’t because he’d fallen in love with her. There was nothing lover-like in the way he’d reacted to her rejection. Besides, men only fell for beautiful girls.

‘I suppose I should blame Ashe for suggesting I court a girl with brains,’ he said cryptically. ‘You aren’t going to be fobbed off with the usual nonsense, are you?’

‘Nonsense?’

He tilted his head to one side and made a wry attempt at a smile.

‘Nothing of nonsense about you at all, is there? Very well,’ he said, leaning forward and clasping his hands between his knees. ‘I will take you into my confidence. I hadn’t meant to until after we were married, but I can see you’re unlikely to marry me at all unless I give you a very good reason for me acting in a way that must make you think I’ve taken leave of my senses. I have a sister, you see.’

She didn’t see, but before she could say so he leapt to his feet and, clearly in some agitation, paced away from her. ‘Or, to be more precise, a half-sister.’ He had to stop when he got to the window, but instead of turning round, he stayed just where he was, his shoulders hunched, and started fiddling with the curtain tie-backs.

‘My mother died when I was eight, as I told you before, and then my father remarried pretty swiftly. Before another year was out, she presented him with a daughter. The marriage lasted a few more years before he died. And then my stepmother—’ He started in surprise as an ornamental tassel came off in his hand. He laid it down on the windowsill and, taking a step back from further temptation, turned towards Mary and kept his eyes fixed firmly on her as he took up his tale again.

‘My stepmother remarried. She...she was only the daughter of our village grocer. But she was beautiful. Her parents, I found out some years later, were so thrilled to have her elevated to the ranks of the peerage, that they pushed her into accepting my father’s proposal. She tried to make the best of it, but she was never very happy with him. Anyway, the minute Father died, she took up with the man she’d loved all along. A pretty decent fellow, actually. At least, he was good to me. Paid me more attention than my own father ever had, to tell you the truth, but that’s beside the point. He was a nobody, that’s what my own father’s family said. And they were correct. He hadn’t a title. Little money. No land, nothing of that sort, but...’

He turned and paced up and down, raking his fingers through his curls yet again.

‘It’s all such a tangle it’s hard to know how to explain it. You see, my legal guardians didn’t actually want me to live with them, but they didn’t want me contaminated by the man they called a commoner, either. So they sent me away to school. But you know what? My stepmother, my half-sister and her new stepfather were the only ones to show a real interest in me. Their letters kept me from... Well, school can be a pretty harsh sort of place. I got through because I knew how to defend myself. Thanks to the very man my guardians said I shouldn’t go near. He taught me to box.’ He glanced down at his fists, which he’d clenched the moment he’d mentioned his school.

‘It was to his home I went during school vacations. With him, and my stepmother and Julia I felt I had the nearest thing to a home. I was...very cut up when he died. And for his sake, I kept in contact with his sons. The sons my half-sister’s mother bore him.’

She blinked. He caught the bewildered expression in her eyes, at the end of one of his circuits of the room, and pulled a wry face.

‘I warned you my family ties are complicated. But that is only the start. You see, after he died, she—that is my stepmother—was left in slightly tricky circumstances. There was talk of taking Julia away from her and having her brought up by her father’s—my father’s family. Only she hadn’t been all that impressed by the way they’d treated me up to then. So when she got an offer of marriage from yet another titled man, she agreed, in an attempt to keep them all, Julia and her two sons, together as a family. Following it so far?’