The Swallow's Nest

9

Plantation architecture arrived in the Hawaiian islands in the early twentieth century. The houses, for workers in the pineapple and sugarcane fields, suited the climate. They were often framed in wood, with wide-hipped roofs, vertical plank siding, and lanais for ventilation and extra living space.

The Swallows’ cottage had been built by Lilia’s great-grandparents and added on to, as was common, but the lanai that wrapped around three sides of the house was the crowning jewel.

On the morning after the family luau Lilia found Regan sprawled in a chair in the front with her eyes closed. She was wearing fresh clothing topped with a sadly wilted ginger lei she’d been given at the party. Last night she’d slept on the bed in the loft, where island breezes swept across the narrow expanse from opposing windows. For the Swallow children, sleeping there had been a reward for good behavior.

Invariably Lilia and Graham had slept in the loft on their visits. This time, for obvious reasons, she was sleeping on the daybed in what was now her mother’s sewing room.

With a cup in one hand she plopped down in a neighboring chair to sip her mother’s excellent coffee. She closed her eyes, too. “How’d you sleep?”

Regan didn’t open her eyes. “Am I awake?”

“You’d better be. This is our only full day together. I wish you could have gotten more time off.”

“You have any idea what a miracle it is that I got any time off at all? Hello? Remember tax season?”

Lilia knew March and April were crunch months for Regan, an accountant at a prestigious firm. “I appreciate that, and you.”

“I’m sorry we never got to talk yesterday.”

“If I’d dragged you away from my brother, he would have pulled out every embarrassing story he remembered and shared it.”

“I’d forgotten how cute he is.”

“And how young he is...”

“Three years, Lilia. Just three years younger than I am. That’s nothing.”

“Jordan’s married to his surfboard.”

“He’s coming to Huntington Beach in September to compete.”

“You’re so funny. You won’t even remember his name by September.”

Regan didn’t deny it. Like her own brother, she never seemed to settle down. “I think I kind of disappeared last night. The party was still going on when I went upstairs and tested the bed, just to see how it was, and that’s what I remember. I’m sorry. What are we doing today?”

“There’s not enough time in the world to do everything you’ll want to.”

“Whatever was in that punch Jordan gave me was lethal. I need advice, preferably delivered in short sentences.”

“We can swim, snorkel, hike, shop.” Lilia opened her eyes. The sun was creeping steadily across the lanai. In a few minutes they would need to move. “Whatever works best with your rum-addled brain.”

“Where would we hike?”

“We could walk up the Sleeping Giant.” Regan had forced her eyes open, too, and Lilia gestured to the mountain beyond them. “Can you see his profile?”

Regan squinted. “Maybe. The view’s priceless even without the fantasy. But now I remember what I’d really like to see. The Na Pali coast. Carrick told me all about his visits to the Randolphs’ house there. He said the house overlooked a fantastic beach.”

The long hikes Carrick and Graham had taken along the coast to get away from the Randolphs had later bloomed into Carrick’s passion for exploring. These days he spent whatever time he could eke out of his law practice backpacking through the West, an antidote, Lilia supposed, to too much time in offices and courtrooms.

“I know they sold the property a long time ago,” Regan said, “but can we still get down to the beach from there?”

Lilia certainly knew which beach Regan was referring to. She wondered if her friend knew the story of her last day there with Graham and Carrick, when they were still teenagers. Or had Carrick told his sister about his trips to Kauai and left out that account?

She hadn’t been to Kauapea Beach in years. There were plenty of other beaches that didn’t come with memories, but since her future might well be spent putting memories behind her, she supposed she could start today.

“The path down is steep, and this time of year the currents are probably too strong to swim. But we might be able to splash around in tidal pools.”

“Just lying in the sun for a while sounds great.”

“Done deal then.” Lilia got to her feet. “I’m going to change. Did you bring sturdy shoes?”

“Running shoes. Nothing fancy.”

“Perfect. The trail down is red clay. You’ll get dirty. Wear your suit and a cover-up you don’t care about.”

“I’ll get up in just one minute. If I can remember how.”

Lilia held up her mug. “This is my mother’s Kona coffee, and there’s a cup in the kitchen with your name on it.”

Regan stood and stretched. “I just remembered.”

* * *

On her first trip to the mainland, Lilia had found traveling in straight lines as amazing as the number of cars in California. The trip to Kauapea Beach, known as “Secrets,” meandered along the coastline past Kealia Beach, Anahola and inland before it took a sharp turn north. Since they were on Hawaiian time, they meandered, pulling over for better views. Once they were on the North Shore they took a detour and visited the Kilauea lighthouse and wildlife refuge to stretch their legs and look for nesting seabirds. Back on the road they stopped at a farm stand, and Lilia bought Regan a lei from a woman who had made them herself that morning.

She had asked her father for directions to the parking lot, accessible but not advertised, so it wouldn’t attract crowds. He had warned that a number of new homes had gone up along this familiar stretch of coast, and now she witnessed the reality.

After parking she gathered herself to relive the past. “We can walk along the road, and I’ll show you where Graham’s family stayed.”

“Carrick used to talk about that house until I wanted to scream. I was so jealous. I was too young to realize traveling with the Randolphs came at a price.”

“Carrick got along. He figures out what people need, then he gives it to them.”

“Within reason.”

“But that’s how he managed the Randolphs. Ellen needed polite conversation, and Douglas needed strict adherence to rules and no interruptions.”

“Is that how you got along with them?”

“Me? I was a shadow. My mother was the estate manager, and my father’s company provided security, but our whole family pitched in whenever a job had to be done quickly. Douglas never even realized I was alive until... Well, until.”

“That’s not a bad thing. It’s when he does notice that things get uncomfortable.”

They got out and chatted about nothing for a few minutes, stepping to the side of the road when cars approached. Lilia tried to get her bearings. Finally she stopped. “I think this is where their property was.” She pointed ahead where five magnificent homes were set back from the cliff overlooking the water. “It looks like they took down the original houses and built those in their place. Douglas was just holding the property until he could get permission to subdivide and build, but it took years. I can’t even imagine how much money he made when permission was finally granted.”

“A drop in the Randolph bucket.”

The new homes were lovely and lavish, but Lilia could still remember what the land had looked like years ago. “The old house was graceful, plainer than these and dated, but it had four bedrooms, views from every window. There was a guest cottage with a lap pool built to look like a natural lagoon, an orchard with avocados, mangoes, lychee, a gatehouse. The Randolphs only came a few times a year, but sometimes guests arrived and stayed a week or two without them. From the beginning, this was an investment. I doubt either of them had a sentimental thought about it.”

“How old were you when you met them?”

“Ten. Graham was eleven.” She turned away from the memories. “Let’s find the path down to the beach. It’s behind us and not always easy to spot.”

The trip down was steep and in places rugged, although more cultivated now than Lilia remembered. They moved through a hala and ironwood forest. She had a backpack with their lunch and towels, and they took their time to negotiate the narrow root-choked path. While the locals hadn’t managed to keep the beach a secret, getting to it still took experience or careful instructions. By the time they emerged onto pale golden sand, Regan was panting.

“Wow!” Regan moved forward and spun around. “Lilia, this is heaven.”

“It is pretty amazing.” In front of them was the turquoise ocean, behind them the rugged cliffs. Outcroppings of black lava dotted the waterline, and waves crashed against rock, sending silver sea spray high into the air.

“I’ve never been anywhere this beautiful.” Regan started forward but Lilia took her arm.

“Just remember to stay back, okay? Surf’s high today, and people get carried out more often than you think. We’ll head east and see if we can find a tidal pool where we can cool off. There’s a waterfall, too.”

An hour later, after splashing in the pool under the waterfall and immersing themselves in a larger one close to the shore, they walked far enough that they were well away from the dozen or so people who had gotten to the beach before them. To the east the lighthouse stood guard high above, and behind them, red cliffs anchored with evergreens and ferns towered like castle walls.

They spread towels and reapplied sunscreen. Then they lay down where the cliff provided a little shade.

Despite sunglasses Regan shaded her eyes with her hand. “Shade? Sunscreen? I’m still a redhead. I’d better not stay here too long.”

Lilia was staring at the water. “This is one of the longest beaches on the island.”

“I’m surprised you haven’t been here lately.”

“Carrick never told you about our last afternoon together on this beach?”

“Not in so many words. But I have the feeling it didn’t end happily.”

“We were teenagers. It might bore you.”

“Tell you what, I have a story to tell, too. We can trade.”

Intrigued, Lilia settled back and closed her eyes. “Graham and I were friends first, but you know that. The day we met? Ellen called my mother early that morning to say they were coming sooner than planned and asked her to have a meal ready. They had a chef for the rest of the week but would need her help that day.”

“That’s how I always travel. With a chef, butler, lady’s maid. You, too?”

Lilia laughed. “I was trying to stay out of my mother’s way while she finished setting out the meal she’d prepared. They’d brought guests, and Douglas was at his most charming, but Mama knew how quickly that could change. So before he could complain about me, she chased me outside. She’d roped my brothers into coming with us, to get everything ready outdoors while she cooked. They drove separately, and I expected to leave with them when she stayed on, but they took off without me.”

“Brothers.” Regan knew.

“Graham was tossed out, too, or left on his own. I thought he was from another planet.” She paused. “Too bad I didn’t roll my eyes and walk away, huh?”

“Things might be simpler now.”

Lilia pushed on. “I thought he didn’t know how to smile. We played Frisbee until I fell backwards into the pool with the Frisbee clutched to my chest. He did smile then, even laughed. And he kept smiling and laughing afterwards, every time I saw him. We became friends, although his parents didn’t realize it. I was just the little brown-skinned babysitter. Eventually they brought your brother along to take him off their hands even more.”

“Carrick always knew that.”

“Since he loves Graham like a brother, he was willing to go along. And hey, this is Hawaii. Why wouldn’t he come?”

“Did you ever wonder why the Randolphs chose him?”

“I assumed because they were roommates at school.”

“Did you wonder how that happened, too? My father’s a college professor, an immigrant from Ireland, no less, so we’re not exactly in their social or economic class.”

“They take what they need, right? They tolerated little ol’ foreigner me.”

“Um, Hawaii is a state.”

“Too recently to count. Carrick used to say he and I were founding members of the Wretched Refuse Society. Anyway the two of us were acceptable enough to make sure Graham left them alone.”

Regan rested her hand on Lilia’s arm. “Here’s the real reason Carrick was acceptable. Douglas wanted my father to come to work for him.”

Regan’s father taught economics at a small Pennsylvania college. He was known in academic circles for having eccentric ideas about the world economy and publishing papers nobody wanted to read. He was as charming as his son.

“Douglas wanted your father? At Randolph Group?”

“Douglas may be cow poop on the heel of your favorite sandal, but he’s brilliant, and he knows Da is, too. Douglas was probably instrumental in getting Carrick a full scholarship to prep school and maneuvering them into letting Graham and Carrick room together.”

“Why is this news to me?”

“Why would either Carrick or Graham talk about it? If it’s true, they were manipulated into becoming friends. But whether or not it is, Da was happy teaching and working on a book nobody will ever read, so he refused all offers. But he does give Douglas financial advice from time to time. Which means if any of this is true, his plan paid off. At least a little.”

“I remember the first time I met Carrick. I think he was fourteen. I liked him right away.”

“Did you have a crush on either of them?”

Lilia crossed her arms under her head and tried to remember how all this had started. “I was surrounded by boys at home, so they held no mystery. Graham and Carrick were nicer than my brothers, and I just liked being with them. They came from a different world, too. Of course as the years passed, things changed a little.”

“How so?”

She wasn’t sure how to phrase the difference. “We all became more aware of each other. They began to compete for my attention, and I liked it. The two were so different, but they were both attractive and fun to be with. Carrick is open and easy. Graham is more closed off. I’m sure every time he tried to open up, a door was slammed in his face by one parent or the other.” She realized she sounded sympathetic, and that annoyed her.

“What happened on the beach?”

All these years later the scene was absolutely clear, because all of them had been so humiliated. “I was fifteen, and it was summer. I think both Ellen and Douglas finally realized I might be more than unpaid help, because my invitations to visit dropped off.”

“You were probably a knockout. How could they not notice?”

“One afternoon Graham called to say he and Carrick were at the house for a week and asked if I wanted to go swimming. My mother was going to a neighboring estate to oversee the installation of outdoor lights, so she gave me a ride. When I got there I found out that Graham’s parents were in town having lunch with business associates.”

“Maybe that’s why they called you.”

“I’m sure. Graham wanted to hike down here to swim. In those days the path was even more challenging, and two years before he’d tried it after a heavy rain and broken his wrist. Ellen had strictly forbidden him from coming here, but that day he said it was ridiculous to live so close to a beach he couldn’t use. He was determined to come down again with or without us.”

“Sixteen and finally ready to challenge authority, huh?”

“I suppose. I didn’t want him going alone, but it was clear he planned to, unless we went along. Once Graham makes up his mind, there’s no stopping him. Witness the fact that he decided to have a baby without his wife.”

“Is it hard to talk about him? You could just leave me hanging.”

Lilia grunted. “I showed them the best way down. The water was a lot calmer that day than it is now. We bodysurfed and watched for dolphins and whales. Then we walked this way to see the falls before going back. Graham wanted to make sure he was home before his parents got there.”

Regan sat up and slapped more sunscreen on her legs. “It’s strange to be right here while you tell this story.”

“When he asked what we would see farther east I told him the truth.”

“Which is?”

“Farther that way,” she pointed, “people like to take off their clothes to sunbathe. The far edges on both ends are known as nude beaches.”

“Whoa. Sixteen-year-old boys. Nude beach.”

“Uh-huh. I might as well have tossed a lighted match into a gallon of kerosene. I was embarrassed, but I was persuaded to walk with them because they were going to go anyway, and I wanted to be sure they knew how to get back up the path. I told them we would look from a distance, and that’s as much as we would do because it was getting too late to go farther. Some couples were sunbathing, but without binoculars that was all we could see. Even so the possibilities made me uneasy.”

“I can see why.”

“I was with two guys whose place in my life had quietly reconfigured. I was confused about my feelings, and thrilled when they agreed to turn around and start back. That’s when we saw a man stalking toward us. Of course it was Douglas. I hung back with Carrick, and Graham went ahead to meet his father.”

Regan lay down on her side and propped her head to look at Lilia. “I can imagine this.”

“Douglas has a way of diminishing anybody who disagrees with him, but you know that. Graham took the abuse, but when his father accused me of putting him up to this, Graham told him he was wrong. Douglas didn’t listen and called me a number of names I have managed to forget.”

“I’m sorry he put you through that.”

“When I arrived back at their house my mother was already there. Ellen was furious, most likely because Douglas was. She told Mama I would no longer be welcome, and my mother told her to find someone else to manage the estate. By then Graham had taken off in one of the family cars, and Carrick had gone along, probably to calm him down. Not only was I totally humiliated, I lost two friends I thought I would never see again.”

“They didn’t find a way to see you before they left?”

“No, that was the last time for years. They left the next day. Carrick emailed to say he was sorry things had gone the way they had. Graham never did, and he didn’t answer my email. But I wasn’t surprised. I knew that, of all of us, he was the most embarrassed by everything that had happened.”

“Did you and Carrick stay in touch?”

Lilia considered her answer. “I think Carrick knew that Graham had a thing for me, even then. His first loyalty was to him.”

“I don’t think that’s true anymore.”

Telling the story to Regan had taken some of the sting out of it. Still she didn’t want to talk about herself anymore. She turned on her side to view her friend. “Now it’s your turn.”

Regan bit her lip and didn’t speak for a moment. When she did her voice was low. “This is harder than I expected. Even after you just gave such a great lead-in about how painful it is to lose people you care about.”

“Are you about to lecture me?”

Regan waved her to silence. “Oh, please, not even vaguely. It’s just I’m something of an emotional coward.”

“You’re somebody who will fly all the way to Kauai during tax season just to support a friend.”

“I came for more than that.”

“Why don’t you tell me then?”

Instead Regan crossed her arms over her chest and stared at the sky. “I love my family, but we never really talk about feelings, so I never learned how. Actually we never talk about ourselves. It’s that Irish Catholic thing. Don’t get a swelled head. Put yourself down, so nobody else has to.”

Lilia knew Carrick better than she knew his sister. Regan had grown up on the East Coast and gone to college and graduate school there. They hadn’t become good friends until she had come West to take a position in a Silicon Valley accounting firm. Now she realized that Regan was right. Because whatever Carrick was feeling, he rarely shared it, and Regan was much the same.

“Are you saying you have something you want to say, and you don’t know how?” She paused but Regan didn’t answer. “Don’t tell me you were having an affair with Graham, too?”

Regan whacked her on the arm. “You’d better be kidding.”

The mood had changed, which is what Lilia had intended. “So spill.”

“I’ve never told you about Devin.”

Regan had discussed some of the men in her life, but only with humor. Lilia remembered that one blind date had suggested they should have sex immediately to see if they were compatible, and when Regan had wondered out loud if anybody in the restaurant would notice, he’d taken a good look around while he considered.

“I’ve always counted on you to remind me how little I enjoyed being single.” Lilia realized she might be in that category again and soon.

“Devin was different. I met him in my senior year of college. We both headed for the same graduate program, and after a year together, it was clear we were also headed for a life together. Things seemed perfect. You’re sure Carrick never told you this?”

“I have a bad feeling this is the kind of story Carrick wouldn’t share.”

“Because I’m not going to look good after I tell it?”

“No. Because it’s personal to you and not a happy ending. I’m right?”

Regan didn’t answer directly. “That Christmas he gave me a ring. A really beautiful diamond. We decided we’d be married the next summer, something small and informal so we could spend whatever money we had on a backpacking trip through Europe. I wanted to see family in Ireland. His roots were in France. It seemed perfect.

“He was a top student. Lightning quick. A creative thinker. But in January he started not showing up for classes. A professor sought me out and asked what was going on. I was living with a family as a part-time nanny, and Devin and I had decided I should stay there the rest of that year to save for our wedding. Anyway, we weren’t living together, so I didn’t know he had been missing classes or why. When I asked him, he told me he was fine. He was using that time to catch up on another class. He said it was temporary, and he was getting good notes from another student.”

Lilia knew even if that had been true, it would have been a problem. “Did he take too many hours?”

“He’d moved out of accounting into corporate finance. I figured the work might be a lot harder, but Devin knew what he was doing. He’d found a way to handle things.” Regan faced Lilia. “I should have pushed him instead of just choosing to believe him. You can start counting the ‘I should haves’ now. After Devin died I spent an entire year starting every sentence that way. I’m better now. I know his death wasn’t my fault. But still...”

Lilia tried to read Regan’s expression. “You left out a lot.”

“Drugs.”

“Oh...”

“He was pushing himself really hard, so he started with the easy stuff, to give himself a way to unwind. Pretty soon that didn’t work, and he moved on. Prescription drugs, then cocaine. He was smart. He was sure he could beat it. He was even sure he could beat heroin.”

Lilia had seen too much addiction among family members and college friends not to understand. “How did you find out?”

“I should have seen it sooner, but remember what I said about myself? When he didn’t tell me what was bothering him, that just seemed natural.”

“Because that’s how things were for you.”

Regan nodded. “Of course there were more signs, but I wrote off his lack of appetite, his restlessness and everything else as exhaustion and stress over the future. I told him we could postpone the wedding, but he said no. And here’s the zinger. He told me he wanted to take my ring back to the jeweler to have it cleaned and the prongs repointed. He said a friend had lost the diamond right out of one that was newer than mine. So I gave it to him, and for weeks I didn’t even worry when he didn’t return it. When I finally asked, he said the jeweler was busy. He’d had to send it away because there was a problem...”

“He sold it.”

“Oh yeah. But not for enough to feed his habit, because about a week later he was caught in his academic adviser’s apartment stuffing anything that glittered into a pillowcase. He’d been given the key so he could study there. By then Devin didn’t care about anything except where his next fix was coming from.”

“You must have been devastated.”

“I was furious! I can’t begin to express how angry I was, except that I don’t have to, because you know what that kind of betrayal feels like.”

The analogy made Lilia flinch. “What happened?”

“Since it was a first offense the judge gave him a choice between jail time and a drug treatment center. You can guess which he chose, and he was lucky. His parents mortgaged their house to give him that chance. They loved him enough.” Regan lifted her hand in emphasis. “Me? I didn’t.”

“He hurt you badly.”

“Another thing about the Irish? We hold grudges. Just look at our history. Anyway, I can’t blame this on ancestry. The day Devin left for the treatment center I told him we were through, that I didn’t want anything to do with him ever again. And I meant it.”

Lilia was pretty sure what was coming next. “Whatever you said didn’t kill him, Regan. Wasn’t Devin in charge of his own life?”

“The statistics were pretty clear—40 to 60 percent of addicts relapse. He had ruined everything, and that was that. I didn’t write him. I didn’t take phone calls from his family. I finished my course work and took the job in Mountain View to be near Carrick. I told myself I didn’t love Devin anymore. I dated jerks. I was pretty sure I deserved jerks, considering how stupid I’d been not to see what was happening.”

Jerks or guys like Lilia’s brother Jordan, with whom Regan had absolutely no possibility of a future. But Lilia knew that revelation was out of place and waited for her to go on.

Regan turned to her back again. “He found me and called one night after I’d been in California for a couple of months. He was back in school in a different state but doing well. He knew addiction would be a lifelong battle, but he had tools to fight it. He wanted my forgiveness. That’s all he was asking for. And I couldn’t give it to him. I kept thinking he’d chosen heroin over me, that he’d ruined both our lives. I told him I didn’t want to hear from him again.” Her voice was suddenly thick with tears. “And I never did.”

Lilia moved closer to put her hand on her friend’s shoulder. “Did he die of an overdose?”

“No. He decided to spend his spring break in Haiti with some other guys from his program. They were helping build a new wing on a treatment center there. His program is big on community service as a way to return self-confidence and give back to the world. His second night there one of the residents got high, found a knife, and when he went after another resident, Devin stepped between them.”

“I’m so sorry.”

They lay that way for a few minutes until Lilia finally moved away. She was sure of one thing. Regan hadn’t traveled this far just to acknowledge her own past. “You’re trying to tell me I should forgive Graham and go home. That people really can change.”

“I don’t have any idea if you should go back to Graham. I really don’t.” Regan wiped tears off her cheeks. “Only you can know that.”

“Then what?”

“We never know whether change will stick or what the future’s going to hold. And we’re never under an obligation to play somebody else’s games. But I’ll be haunted forever because I didn’t tell Devin I was glad he’d made progress and wished him well. Even if I’d opened the door for another chance at a life together, he probably still would have gone to Haiti and died trying to help other addicts. But if I had just said those words? Both of us would have had closure. And who knows? Maybe we would have had that second chance.”

“Don’t marriages have to be built on trust?”

“We like to say that, but isn’t marriage just a merger between two flawed, fragile human beings who make mistakes, sometimes really terrible mistakes, and somehow come through them together? Trust is a shaky foundation because it can be so easily destroyed. The question is whether a relationship is worth rebuilding. Maybe more than once.”

Lilia cleared her throat, which was suddenly clogged with tears. “You’re afraid Graham’s going to die, aren’t you? And you’re afraid I’ll have the same regrets you do.”

“All of us are going to die. But I wish I had asked myself what really mattered for whatever time I had left on this earth, or Devin did. And I guess that’s what I came to say. Maybe that’s what you need to be asking now. What do you have to say to Graham that you haven’t said? What, if anything, do you need to forgive? Because nobody knows the future. You can trust me on that.”