Les Bijoux Indiscrets, or, The Indiscreet Toys

CHAP. XXXI.
Was Mangogul in the right?

From the time that Mangogul had received the fatal present of Cucufa, the ridicules and vices of the sex were become the eternal subject of his jokes: he was never done with them, and his favorite's patience was frequently quite tired out. Now, two cruel effects of this teizing on her, as well as on many others, was to put her into a bad humor, and to sour her temper. At those times woe to him that came near her: she made no distinction of persons, and the Sultan himself was not spared.

"Prince," said she to him, in one of these peevish fits, "tho' you are so knowing in many things, perhaps you do not know the news of the day." – "What is it?" said Mangogul. – "It is, that every morning you get by heart three pages of Brantome, or of Ouville: people do not determine which of these two profound writers you prefer" – "They are mistaken, madam," answered Mangogul, "'tis Crebillon, that" – "O, pray don't excuse yourself from that sort of reading," interrupted the favorite. "The new calumnies that are invented on us, are so insipid, that it is better to revive the old. Truly there are very good things in this same Brantome: if to these little stories you add three or four chapters of Bayle, you alone will in a thrice have as much wit as the marquiss D' – , and the Chevalier de Mouhi. That would spread a surprising variety on your conversation. When you have equipped the ladies from head to foot, you might then fall on the Pagoda's; and from the Pagoda's you might return on the women. In truth, all that you want to make you quite diverting, is a small collection of impieties."

"You are in the right, madam," answered Mangogul, "and I will take care to lay in a good stock. He who is afraid of being duped in this world and the next, cannot be too much upon his guard against the power of the Pagoda's, the probity of men, and virtue of women."

"Then, in your opinion, this virtue is a very ambiguous thing?" replied Mirzoza. "More so than you imagine," answered Mangogul.

"Prince," returned Mirzoza, "you have a hundred times talk'd to me of your ministers as the honestest men in Congo. I have so often patiently heard the praises of your Seneschal, of the governors of your provinces, of your secretaries, of your treasurer, in a word, of all your officers, that I am able to repeat them by memory word for word. It is strange, that the object of your tenderness should be the only person excepted from the good opinion, which you have conceived of those who have the honor of being near your person."

"And who told you that it is so?" replied the Sultan. "Be perswaded, madam, that the discourses, true or false, which I make on women, do by no means concern you, unless you think proper to represent the sex in general. – "

"I should not advise madam to that," added Selim, who was present at this conversation. "She would gain nothing by it but defects."

"I do not," answered Mirzoza, "relish compliments which are addressed to me at the expence of my sex. When any one takes it into his head to praise me, I could wish that nobody suffered by it. Most of the fine speeches which are offered to us, are like the sumptuous entertainments which your highness receives from your Pacha's: they are always at the expence of the public."

"Let us pass that by," said Mangogul. "But sincerely, are you not convinced that the virtue of the women of Congo is but a mere chimæra? Pray observe, my soul's delight, what the present fashionable education is, what examples mothers set to their daughters, and how the head of a pretty woman is filled with the notion, that to confine herself to domestic affairs, to manage her family, and keep to her husband, is to lead a dismal life, to be eat up with vapors, and to bury herself alive. And at the same time we men are so forward, and a young unexperienced girl is so raptured with being attack'd. I have said that virtuous women were rare, excessively rare; and far from changing my sentiment, I might add freely, that 'tis surprizing they are not more so. Ask Selim what he thinks of the matter."

"Prince," answered Mirzoza, "Selim has too great obligations to our sex, to tear them in pieces without mercy."

"Madam," said Selim, "his highness, who could not possibly meet with cruel women, ought naturally to think of the sex as he does: and you, who have the good nature to judge of others by yourself, can hardly have any other sentiments than those which you defend. I will own however, that I am apt to believe there are women of sense, to whom the benefits of virtue are known by experience, and whom a serious reflection has convinced of the ill consequences of an irregular life; women happily born, well educated, who have learn'd to feel their duty, who love it, and will never swerve from it."

"And not to lose ourselves in speculative reasoning," added the favorite, "is not Egle, with all her sprightliness and charms, a model of virtue? Prince, you cannot doubt it, and all Banza knows it from your mouth: now, if there be one virtuous woman, there may be a thousand."

"Oh! as to the possibility," said Mangogul, "I dispute it not."

"But if you allow it possible," replied Mirzoza, "who has revealed to you, that they do not actually exist?"

"Nothing but their Toys," answered the Sultan. "And yet I grant that this evidence does not come up to the strength of your argument. May I be transform'd into a mole, if you have not borrowed it from some Bramin. Order the Manimonbanda's chaplain to be called, and he will tell you that you have proved the existence of virtuous women, much as he demonstrates that of Brama, in Braminology. A propos, have you not taken a course in that sublime school, before you entered the Seraglio?"

"No ill-natured jokes," replied Mirzoza. "I do not draw my conclusion from possibility: I ground it on a fact, on an experiment."

"Yes," continued Mangogul, "on a lame fact, on a single experiment; while, to your certain knowledge, I have a multitude of trials for my opinion: but I will not sour your temper by farther contradictions."

"It is a favor," said Mirzoza, "that after two hours teizing, you cease to persecute me."

"If I have committed the fault," answered Mangogul, "I will endeavour to make amends for it. Madam, I give up all my past advantages; and if, in the trials which I shall hereafter make, I light on a single woman really and constantly virtuous." – "What will you do?" interrupted Mirzoza smartly.

"I will declare to the world, if you require it, that I am charmed with your reasoning on the possibility of virtuous women; I will support the reputation of your logic with all my might; and will give you my castle of Amara, with all the Saxon Porcelaines which adorn it; even without excepting the little Sapajou, or red-faced monkey in Enamel, and the other valuable nick-nacks, which I had out of the cabinet of Madame de Verue."

"Prince," says Mirzoza, "I will be content with the Porcelaines of the castle, and the little monkey."

"A bargain," replies the Sultan, "Selim shall be our judge. I only desire a little respite before I examine Egle's Toy. The court air, and her husband's jealousy, must be allowed time to operate."

Mirzoza granted a month to Mangogul; which was double the time he required: and they parted equally filled with hope.

The city of Banza also would have been full of wagers on either side, if the Sultan's promise had been divulged. But Selim kept the secret, and Mangogul clandestinely prepared for winning or losing. As he was quitting the favorite's appartment, he heard her call out to him from her closet: "Prince, and the little monkey." "And the little monkey," answered Mangogul, and went out. He was going directly to the private lodge of a senator, whither we will attend him.

CHAP. XXXII.
The fifteenth trial of the Ring.
Alphana

The Sultan was not ignorant, that the young lords of the court had private lodges; but he was lately informed, that those retreats were likewise used by some senators. He was much surprized at this. "What do they do there?" said he to himself. (For in this volume he will keep up the custom of monology, which he contracted in the first.) "I should think, that a man, whom I have entrusted with the tranquillity, fortune, liberty, and lives of my people, ought not to have a private lodge. But perhaps a senator's private lodge is quite different from that of a Petit-Maitre. Can a magistrate, before whom the interests of the greatest of my subjects are discussed, who holds the fatal urn, out of which he is to draw the widow's lot, can he, I say, forget the dignity of his state, and the importance of his duty; and while Cochin fatigues his lungs in vain by carrying the cries of the orphan to his ear, can he be studying subjects of gallantry, which are to be ornaments over the door of a place of secret debauchery? That cannot be. – However, let us see."

He said, and departed for Alcanto, where the senator Hippomanes has his private lodge. He enters, walks round the appartments, and examines the furniture. Every thing has a gay appearance. The private lodge of Agefilas, the nicest and most voluptuous of his courtiers, is not more elegant. He was on the point of resolving to leave it, without knowing what to think; (for besides all the rich beds, the looking-glass alcoves, the soft sofa's; the cabinet of exquisite liquors, and every thing else, were silent witnesses of what he desired to know:) when he espied a corpulent figure stretched on a couch, and sunk in a deep sleep. He turn'd his ring on her, and from her Toy he obtained the following anecdotes.

"Alphana is the daughter of a senator. If her mother's life had been shorter than it was, I should not have been here. The immense wealth of the family was squandered by the old fool: and she left little or nothing to her four children, three boys and a girl, whose Toy I am, alas! to my great misfortune, and to be sure for my sins. How many indignities have I suffered! How many more still remain to be borne! The world said, that the cloister agreed very well with the fortune and figure of my mistress; but I found it did not suit with me: I preferred the military art to the monastic state, and I made my first campaigns under the Emir Azalaph. I perfected myself under the great Nangazaki. But the ingratitude of the service disgusted me, and made me quit the sword for the gown. Thus I am upon the point of belonging to a little scoundrel of a senator, quite bloated with his talents, his wit, his figure, his equipage, and his birth. I am now two hours in waiting for him. To be sure he will come, because his gentleman has apprized me, that when he comes, it is his madness to let people wait a long time."

Alphana's Toy was thus far advanced, when Hippomanes arrived. At the bustle of his train, and the caresses he bestowed on his favorite grey-hound, Alphana awoke. "Oh! are you there, my queen?" says the little president. "'Tis very difficult to come at you. How do you like my little lodge; it is as good as some others, is it not?"

Alphana putting on a bashful, shy, distressed air, "as if we had never seen a private lodge before," says her Toy, "and as if I had no share in her adventures," cried out in a mournful manner. "My lord president, I take an unaccountable step for you. The passion that drags me to you must surely be very violent, since it shuts my eyes to the dangers which I incur. For what would the world say, if there was any suspicion of my being here?"

"You are right," answered Hippomanes; "your proceeding is liable to misinterpretations. But you may rely on my discretion."

"But," replied Alphana, "I rely also on your conduct."

"Oh! as to that," says Hippomanes, "I shall be very modest: and how is it possible not to be as devote as an angel in a private lodge? In truth, you have a charming neck – "

"Ha' done," says Alphana, "you break your word already."

"Not at all," replies the president: "but you have not answered my question. What do you think of this furniture?" And then turning to his grey-hound, "come hither, Folly, give me thy paw, my child. Folly is a good girl. – Will madam be pleased to take a turn in the garden? Let us walk on my terrass, it is a charming one. I am overlooked by some of my neighbours, but possibly they will not know you. – "

"My lord president, I am not curious," says Alphana with an air of dudgeon. "I think we are better here."

"Just as you please," answers Hippomanes. "If you are tired, there is a bed. If you have the least inclination, I advise you to try it. Young Asteria, and little Phenice, who are great judges, assure me that it is a good one." While Hippomanes was talking thus impertinently to Alphana, he pull'd off her gown by the sleeves, unlaced her stays, untied her petticoats, and disengaged her two clumsy feet from two little slippers.

When Alphana was almost naked, then did she perceive that Hippomanes was undressing her. – "What are you doing?" cryed she quite surprized. "President, you don't consider. I shall be angry in earnest."

"Ah, my queen," answered Hippomanes, "to be angry with a man who loves you as I do, would be such an oddity as you are not capable of. May I presume to entreat you to walk to this bed?"

"To this bed," replied Alphana. "Ah! my lord president, you abuse my tenderness. I to go into a bed! I, into a bed!"

"No, no, my queen," answered Hippomanes. "That is not the thing, who desires you to go to it. But you must, if you please, suffer yourself to be conducted to it: for you may easily conclude from your size, that I cannot be in the humor of carrying you to it." – Nevertheless he grasped her about the waist, and making some efforts, "Oh how weighty she is," says he. "But, my child, if you do not lend a helping hand, we shall never reach it."

Alphana was sensible that he spoke truth, lent her assistance, compassed getting on her legs, advanced towards that bed, at which she had been so scared, partly on her own feet, and partly on the shoulders of Hippomanes, to whom she pantingly said: "Surely I must have been a great fool to come hither. I confided in your good conduct, and your extravagance is quite unreasonable." – "Not at all," answered the president, "not at all. You see that what I do is decent, very decent."

'Tis probable that they said many other genteel things of this sort; but as the Sultan did not think proper to spend more time in attending their conversation, those things are lost to posterity. What a pity!

CHAP. XXXIII.
Sixteenth trial of the Ring.
The Petits-Maitres

Twice a week the favorite kept a drawing room. The preceding evening she named the women whom she would willingly see, and the Sultan gave the list of the men. The company always came richly dress'd. The conversation was either general, or particular. When the amorous history of the court fail'd of furnishing real diverting adventures, stories were invented, and necessity sometimes compelled them to run into bad tales; which were called a continuation of the Arabian nights entertainments. The men had the privilege of saying all the extravagant things that came into their heads, and the women that of knotting, while they gave ear to them. At these meetings, the Sultan and his favorite put themselves on a level with their subjects: their presence gave no sort of check to whatever could amuse; and people seldom found the time tedious. Mangogul had learned early in his life, that pleasures are not to be found above the foot of the throne; and no man descended from it with better grace, or knew how to put off majesty more à propos.

While he was surveying the private lodge of the Senator Hippomanes, Mirzoza waited for him in the rose-colour'd salon, with the youthful Zaide, the chearful Leocris, the lively Serica, Amina and Benzaira, the wives of two Emirs, Orphisa the prude, and Vetula the great Seneschal's lady, temporal mother of all the Bramins. It was not long before he appeared. He enter'd attended by count Hannetillon and the chevalier Fadaes. Alciphenor an old rake, and his disciple young Marmolin followed him; and two minutes after, arrived the Pacha Grifgrif, the Aga Fortimbek, and the Selictar Velvet-Paw. These were the most absolute Petits-Maitres of the court. Mangogul call'd them together designedly. Having heard a thousand stories of their gallant exploits, he resolved to be informed in such a manner as might banish all future doubt. "Well, gentlemen," says he to them, "ye whom nothing escapes, that passes in the empire of gallantry, what news from thence? how far are the Speaking Toys got."

"Sir," replied Alciphenor, "the racket they make encreases daily; and if it continues, we shall soon not be able to hear ourselves. But nothing is so diverting as the indiscretion of Zobeida's Toy. It has given her husband a catalogue of her adventures." "And a prodigious one," says Marmolin: "it mentions five aga's, twenty captains, almost an entire company of janissaries, twelve Bramins: and they say that I am named too, but that is a mere joke." "The best past of the affair is," added Grifgrif, "that the affrighted husband ran away with his fingers in his ears."

"This is quite horrible," said Mirzoza. "Yes, madam," interrupted Fortimbek, "horrible, frightful, execrable." "More than all that, if you please," replied the favorite, "to dishonor a woman upon hearsay."

"Madam, it is literally true, Marmolin has not added one word to the story," says Velvet-Paw. "It is fact," says Grifgrif. "Good," says Hannetillon, "there is an epigram already handed about concerning it, and an epigram is not made for nothing." "But why should Marmolin be safe from the prattle of the Toys? Cynara's Toy has insisted on speaking in its turn, and to blend me with people, who do not stake their all. But how to help that? The right thing is not, to be disturbed at it," says Velvet-Paw. "You are right," answered Hannetillon, and instantly fell to singing:

 
"Mon bonheur fut si grand, que j'ai peine à le croire."
My fortune was so great, that I can scarce believe it.
 

"Count," says Mangogul to Hannetillon, "then you have been particularly acquainted with Cynara?"

"Sir," answered Velvet-Paw, "who doubts, it? He has walk'd with her for more moons than one? they have been song'd; and all this would have lasted to this day, if he had not at length discovered that she was not handsome, and that she had a large mouth." "Allowed," replied Hannetillon; "but that imperfection was ballanced by an uncommon agreeableness."

"How long since this adventure?" ask'd the prude Orphisa. "Madam," replied Hannetillon, "its epoch is not present to my memory. I must have recourse to the chronological tables of my good fortune. There may be seen the day and minute: but 'tis a large volume, with which my servants amuse themselves in the antichamber."

"Hold," says Alciphenor; "I recollect that it was precisely a year after Grifgrif fell out with Madam la Seneschale. She has the memory of an angel, and can tell you exactly." – "That nothing is more false than your date," answered the Seneschal's lady gravely. "'Tis well known that blockheads were never of my taste." "Yet, madam," replied Alciphenor, "you will never persuade us, that Marmolin was excessively wise, when he was conducted into your appartment by the back stairs, whenever his highness summoned the Seneschal to council." "There can be no greater extravagance in my opinion," added Velvet-Paw, "than to enter into a woman's chamber by stealth, for nothing at all; for people thought nothing more of his visits than what was really fact, and madam was already in full enjoyment of that reputation of virtue, which she has so well supported since that time."

"But that is an age ago," says Fadaes. "It was pretty much about that same time that Zulica made a slip from the Selictar, who was her humble servant, to take possession of Grifgrif, whom she drop'd six months after; she is now got as far as Fortimbek. I am not sorry for my friend's little stroke of good luck; I see her, I admire her, but entirely without any pretensions."

"Yet Zulica," says the favorite, "is very amiable. She has wit, taste, and something, I know not how, engaging in her countenance, which I should prefer to charms." "I grant that, madam," answer'd Fadaes: "but she is maigre, has no neck, and her thigh is so skinny, that it raises one's pity."

"You are well acquainted with it, to be sure," added the Sultana. "Oh! madam," replied Hannetillon, "you may guess that. I have visited Zulica but seldom, and yet I know as much of that affair as Fadaes." "I can easily believe you," says the favorite.

"But à propos, might one ask Grifgrif," says the Selictar, "if he has been long in possession of Zirphila. There is what you may call a pretty woman. She has an admirable shape." "And who doubts it!" added Marmolin.

"How happy is the Selictar," continued Fadaes. "I give you Fadaes," interrupted the Selictar, "for the best provided gallant of the court. To my knowledge he has the Visir's wife, the two prettiest actresses of the opera, and an adorable Grisette, whom he keeps in his private lodge." "And I," replied Fadaes, "would give up the Visir's wife, the two actresses and the Grisette, for one glance from a certain woman, with whom the Selictar is very well, and who has not the least suspicion that the world knows it;" and then stepping up to Leocris, says, "your blushes are ravishing. – "

"Hannetillon was a long time wavering," says Marmolin, "between Melissa and Fatima, two charming women. One day he was for Melissa the fair, the next for Fatima the nut-brown." "The poor man," continues Fadaes, "was strangely embarassed: why did he not take them both?" "So he did," says Alciphenor.

Our Petits-Maitres were, as you see, in a right cue not to stop here, when Zobeida, Cynara, Zulica, Melissa, Fatima and Zirphila sent in their names. This ill-timed circumstance disconcerted them for a moment; but they soon recover'd from their ruffle, and fell on other women, whom their detraction had hitherto spared, only because they had not time to tear them to pieces.

Mirzoza, quite out of patience at their discourses, said: "Gentlemen, considering the merit and probity in particular, which must needs be allowed ye, it cannot be doubted but that you have enjoyed all the good fortunes of which you boast. I must own nevertheless, that I would be very glad to hear the Toys of these ladies on this head; and that I would most heartily thank Brama, if he would deign to render justice to truth by their mouths."

"That is to say," replies Hannetillon, "that madam would desire to hear the same things twice over: well, to oblige her, we'll repeat them."

But Mangogul set about applying his ring in order of seniority: he began by Madame la Seneschale, whose Toy cough'd three times, and with a trembling and broken voice said: "To the great Seneschal I am indebted for the first fruits of my pleasures: but I had not been his property above six months, when a young Bramin gave my mistress to understand, that a woman can do no injury to her husband, while she thinks on him. I relished the moral, and thenceforward thought I might with a safe conscience admit a senator, then a privy counsellor, then a pontif, then one or two masters of Requests, then a musician" – "And Marmolin?" says Fadaes. – "Marmolin," replies the Toy, "I know him not, unless it be that young coxcomb, whom my lady ordered to be kick'd out of her house, for some insolence, the particulars of which I have forgot. – "

Cynara's Toy took up the discourse, and said: "Do you interrogate me concerning Alciphenor, Fadaes, and Grifgrif? I have indeed been pretty well served; but this is the first time that I ever heard these folks named. However, I shall get some account of them from Amalek the Emir, Telenor the Financier, or the Visir Abdiram, who know the whole world, and are my good friends."

"Cynara's Toy is discreet," says Hannetillon: "it mentions not Zarafis, Ahiram, the old Trebister, and the young Mahmoud, who is not made to be forgotten; nor does it accuse the least Bramin, tho' it has been running thro' the monasteries these twelve years."

"I have received some visits in my life," says Melissa's Toy, "but not one from Grifgrif or Fortimbek, and much less still from Hannetillon."

"My little heart of a Toy," replied Grifgrif, "you are mistaken. You may disclaim Fortimbek and me, but as to Hannetillon, he is better with you than you allow. He has told me a word or two on the subject, and he is a spark of the greatest veracity in Congo, a better man than any of those whom you have known, and is still capable of establishing the reputation of a Toy."

"The reputation of an impostor can no more escape him than his friend Fadaes," says Fatima's Toy with a sob. "What have I done to these monsters to dishonour me? The son of the Abyssinian Emperor came to Erguebzed's court: I pleased him; he pursued me; but he would have fail'd of success, and I should have continued faithful to my husband whom I loved; had not the traitor Velvet-Paw and his base accomplice Fadaes corrupted my women, and introduced the young prince into my bath."

The Toys of Zirphila and Zulica, who had the same cause to defend, spoke both at the same time, but with such rapidity, that it was extremely difficult to render each of them its due. – "Favors!" cried one – "To Velvet-Paw!" says the other – "Something may be said for Zinzim" – "Cerbelon" – "Bemengel" – "Agarias" – "the French slave Riqueli" – "the young Ethiopian Thezaca" – "But as for the insipid Velvet-Paw" – "the insolent Fadaes" – "I swear by Brama" – "I call the great Pagoda and the Genius Cucufa to witness" – "I know them not" – "I never had the least dealings with them. – "

Zirphila and Zulica would have run on, God knows how far, if Mangogul had not turn'd off his ring: but as this magic ring ceased acting on them, their Toys closed their lips, and a profound silence succeeded the noise they made. Then the Sultan rose up, and darting furious looks on our young blockheads, said: "You have taken the liberty to defame women whom you never had the honour of coming near, and who hardly know your names. Who has made ye insolent enough to lie in my presence? Tremble, wretches." At these words he grasped his cymeter: but the screams of the affrighted ladies stop'd his hand. "I was going," says Mangogul, "to give ye the death which you have merited: but the ladies, whom you have injured, have a right to determine your fate: it shall depend on them, either to crush ye, or to let ye live. Speak, ladies, what are your commands?"

"That they live," says Mirzoza, "and hold their tongues, if possible."

"Live," replies the Sultan, "these ladies permit it: but if ever you forget on what condition, I swear by my father's soul – "

Mangogul did not complete his oath; being interrupted by one of the gentlemen of his bed-chamber, who inform'd him that the comedians were ready. This prince had imposed it on himself as a law never to retard the public diversions. "Let them begin," says he, and immediately gave his hand to the favorite, whom he accompanied to her box.