To Have And To Hold

Chapter Eight

“You had a son?” The shock in his voice was obvious.

Callie shuddered. “His name was Ryan,” she said and felt the hurt right through to her bones. “He died when he was two days old.”

She watched Noah think, absorb. “How long ago?”

“Three years,” she said quietly and inhaled. “Ten months … one week … three days.”

He swallowed hard. “How? Was he sick?”

She shrugged and turned, wrapping her arms around herself. “I was in an accident.” She hesitated, took a long breath and then looked at him. “A car wreck.”

Noah clearly knew what that meant. “The same one that killed your fiancé?”

“Yes.”

She watched as the pieces of the puzzle came together in his head. “You lost them both?” He turned her back around and rubbed his thumb along her jawline. “Why didn’t you tell me this before now?”

She looked down, taking a breath. “Because I don’t talk about it. And we haven’t known one another very long and I didn’t … couldn’t … Well, being responsible for someone’s death, it isn’t exactly the kind of thing I want to talk about.”

Noah didn’t try to hide his shock. “How were you responsible?”

“The accident,” she replied. “It was my fault.”

“Were you driving the car?”

She shook her head. “No, Craig was driving.”

“Then how could—”

“I distracted him,” she admitted. “I made him lose concentration. And I shouldn’t have. I was angry because we argued.” She didn’t say anything for a moment. She looked up and around and then back to him. “Craig didn’t want the baby.”

“He didn’t?”

“No. He didn’t want anything other than to use me. I fell for him when I was seventeen,” she explained quietly. “I moved in with him, wanted to be with him. Craig trained me, taught me everything I know. He was a gifted rider. I thought he loved me. But I found out too late that he only cared about his career. Our career, as he called it.” Another breath. “We’d worked hard, trained hard, put in hours and used all our money. The Grand Prix Championships were at our fingertips—and after that, the big one, the Olympics, every rider’s dream. But I got pregnant and everything changed. I couldn’t ride, I wouldn’t risk riding. Craig was furious. I’d never seen him like that. We argued about it for three days. In the end, he told me I had to make a choice.”

She paused, took a long breath, gathered herself and blinked away the fresh tears in her eyes. “He wanted me to end it. The pregnancy.”

Noah’s mouth thinned. “What did you do?”

“Moved back in with my mom.”

“And then?”

“I decided to get on with my life. When I was about five months along, Craig came back. He said he wanted to try and work things out. He said he’d changed his mind about the baby, about me. And I believed him.”

She knew he heard the “but” in her voice. “What happened then?” he asked.

Callie shrugged. “For a few weeks it seemed like it would be okay. And as much as I felt betrayed by Craig, I knew my baby deserved a father. Craig even talked about setting a date for the wedding.” She paused, thinking, remembering. “On the day of the accident he came around early. We talked about me moving back in with him, about turning one of the guest rooms into a nursery. He asked me to go for a drive. I was happy to do it, happy thinking everything would work out. We got in the car and drove for a while. But he seemed edgy to me, like he had something on his mind. And then … and then he said it. He said it and I knew I could never trust him again.”

Noah held her tighter. “What did he say?”

“My horse,” she replied. “He wanted my horse, Indiana. That was what he wanted. That was all he wanted. Not me, not our baby. You see, Craig was a gifted rider with a good horse, where as I was a good rider with a gifted horse. He wanted to ride Indy in the Grand Prix qualifiers. He said if I loved him, if I wanted him to be a part of my life, and the baby’s life I had to do what he asked.”

“And the crash?” Noah asked quietly.

“He was furious with me, called me a few names. He tried to touch me and I pushed him off.” Her voice cracked, sounding hollow. “He lost control of the car. We ended up crashing into a guardrail and down an embankment.”

Noah winced. He felt pain and rage rip through him. Anger toward a man he’d never met. A dead man. A man who’d hurt this woman so much, who’d broken her to a point Noah feared she’d never be whole again.

“Was he killed instantly?” he managed to ask, though he didn’t know how. His heart thundered in his chest.

She nodded. “Yes.”

“And you?”

“I was rushed to the hospital,” she said. “I had a lot of internal injuries and the baby was in distress. I was pretty out of it. My mom was there and they told her there were no guarantees for either of us. So the doctors delivered him.” Tears came again, brimming over. “He fought for two days. He was so tiny. I was so sick and only got to spend a moment holding him.”

Noah swallowed, fighting the emotion in his throat. It was every parent’s worst nightmare. And she’d endured it alone. He wished he could turn back the clock and be there with her, hold her through every awful moment. He took a deep breath. “I can’t even imagine how you must feel.”

Callie looked at him. “Ashamed that I didn’t see through Craig’s lack of integrity. If I had, maybe Ryan would still be alive, maybe my beautiful boy would be with me. He’d be nearly four years old now.”

Four years old…

Noah drew a sharp breath. And the truth hit him with the force of a sledgehammer.

“The twins.” His words trailed and then picked up. “That’s why you. Ah, of course.”

Her throat convulsed. “Sometimes … it’s hard to be around them.”

Because they reminded her of all she lost.

“I’m so …” He stopped, searching for the words. Everything he considered seemed grossly inadequate. “Thank you for telling me,” he said, and even that wasn’t nearly enough.

“I needed to,” she said, and Noah felt her pull against his embrace. He let her go and she walked back to the seat and dropped into it. “I wanted you to understand that what I’m feeling is about me. Not them. Not you.”

That didn’t sound right. Her resistance, her pain was about him. And the kids. She’d lost her baby—and that loss stopped her from wanting to feel again. Noah could see her struggle. He could feel it. But he wasn’t about to let her walk away from him.

He returned to his seat and grasped her hand. “Callie,” he said gently. “What do you want to happen between us?”

She looked uncertain and he felt panic rise in his blood. He wanted her to say she wanted everything—him, the kids, the life he knew was within their reach. But her silence was suddenly deafening.

Finally, she spoke. “I’ve done a good job of putting my emotions on hold for the past few years. And as much as I’m drawn to you, Noah, I just don’t know if I’m ready to feel again.”

His fingers tenderly rubbed her knuckles as he kissed her. “I’m no expert, Callie,” he said against her mouth. “But if you feel anything like I’m feeling right now, we’re off to a good start.”

She moaned slightly and the sound undid him. He wanted her so much. Needed her so much. He felt like saying something to her, maybe tell her exactly what she meant to him. Something uncurled in his chest, thudding loudly. Liking Callie, desiring Callie had swiftly turned into something else. And this Callie—this beautiful, fragile woman who now trembled in his arms, was suddenly the one woman he wanted for the rest of this life.

“Callie?”

She looked up. And one look did it. One look from blue eyes shimmering with tears.

I’m gone …

The feeling reached right through to every pore in his skin, every blood cell, every scrap of air that filled his lungs when he took a breath.

“Spend Saturday with me,” he said quietly. He kissed her again, slanting his mouth over hers in a sweet, possessive caress and he felt her tremble. “Can you rearrange your lesson schedule?”

“Yes.” She sighed. “And thank you for understanding.”

He nodded. He did understand. She wasn’t a woman to be rushed. And because he’d waited his entire life to feel this way, he’d do his best to give her whatever time she needed.

Wear a swimsuit.

Callie hadn’t asked him why he’d insisted she make sure she had a bikini underneath her clothes for their date Saturday. However, when she spotted two long objects secured to the racks on the roof of his truck she knew why.

She frowned. “Boats?”

“Kayaks,” he corrected and opened the passenger door.

“I don’t really do boats.”

He laughed deliciously. “It’ll be fun,” he said. “Trust me.”

“I do,” she replied. “I just don’t trust boats.”

He told her M.J. had arrived early that morning and was happily in charge of the kids for the day. Jamie had insisted on making Callie a matching pendant to go with the bracelet he’d gifted her and Callie was incredibly touched.

The trip to the boat ramp took about ten minutes and Callie relaxed. The nervous energy she seemed to have around him had disappeared. She felt calm and happy. And Callie sensed she was ready for the next step. Telling him about Ryan had been exactly what she needed to do. It gave her strength and, from somewhere, the courage to dare to imagine a future with the incredible man beside her.

When they reached the boat ramp he passed her something.

“You’ll need to wear this. There’s a ladies bathroom over there.”

He pointed to a concrete block building about fifty meters away. This turned out to be a black, stretchy, sleeveless wet suit that came to her knees and a pair of matching shoes with rubber grips on the soles. Once out of her jeans and shirt and into the wet suit, Callie ran her hands over her hips. With only a bikini beneath, she felt a little deliciously decadent. When she returned to the truck she saw he’d also changed into a similar suit.

It should be illegal for a man to look that good in black rubber.

She watched, feeling rather useless, as Noah unclipped the kayaks from the utility, prepped them for their outing and launched them into the water.

“Ready?” he asked and handed her a sun visor. It looked new, as if he’d bought it especially for her. “Can you swim?”

“Yes.”

“Good,” he said and passed her a life jacket. “Humor me anyway and wear this.”

Callie didn’t argue and slipped the jacket over her wet suit.

“We’ll go up river,” he said. “It’s low tide at the moment. Just stick close by me.”

She didn’t intend to let him out of her sight.

Noah gave her quick but detailed instructions on how to use the single oar and maneuver the craft through the water. Half an hour later they were on their way.

Noah stayed at her pace and they paddled up river, splicing through the water in unison. On either side of the river the mangrove branches twisted and rose up onto the sandbank. Schools of fish crisscrossed below them and some flipped out of the water, delivering a salty spray across her face and arms.

“How are your arms holding up?” Noah asked after about an hour.

“Good. Although I think I’ll be sore tomorrow.”

“We’ll stop for a bit,” he said. “I owe you breakfast for making you get up this early.”

Callie laughed. “Breakfast? Is there a café tucked along here somewhere?”

“You’re sitting on it,” he said, grinning. “There’s a storage compartment beneath your seat. There’s a cooler with food and a thermos of coffee.”

Callie looked between her legs and chuckled. “So, what are you sitting on?”

He laughed. It was a rich, lovely sound. “The first-aid kit. Sunscreen. A spare life jacket. And my phone.”

“You’ve thought of everything.”

“Habit,” he said, and indicated her to turn the kayak toward a smaller secluded inlet. “With kids you have to be prepared for any emergency.”

Noah pointed to a tiny alcove ahead and they oared to shore. He got out first and dragged his kayak onto the sand and quickly helped Callie do the same. Once her feet hit the ground she felt the wobble in her calves and thighs. Noah grabbed her by the shoulders.

“Sea legs,” he said with a smile. “It’ll pass.”

Callie let the warmth radiate through her. His fingers were strong and gentle against her skin. She placed her hands at his waist. That felt good, too. She wished she’d tossed off the life jacket so she could get closer to him. Then he kissed her with all the pent-up passion fuelling the long three days since they’d seen one another.

“Callie,” he whispered against her mouth, before he kissed her cheek and the delicate and sensitive skin below her earlobe. “I’m starved.”

She smiled. “Me, too,” she admitted, not wanting to leave his embrace but liking the idea of some food. She pushed past the nagging disappointment she felt when he released her. “What did you bring?” she asked as she slipped off the life jacket.

“Let’s see.”

They unpacked the kayak together. Callie grabbed the small rug he’d provided and spread it down farther up the bank in a spot shaded by a wiry native tree. She sat with her knees up, while Noah stretched out his long limbs beside her. There was fruit, soft bread rolls, cheese and smoked ham. They sat on the rug, eating and not saying much of anything for a while. Noah passed her a resin mug filled with coffee and she took it gratefully.

The weather was warm with a gentle hint of breeze and there were birds calling out from the trees above. Water lapped at the edge of the small sandy inlet and the sound was faintly hypnotic.

She put down her mug and uncurled her legs. “It’s a lovely spot. Do you come here often?”

“Not much.”

He wasn’t looking at her, she noticed. He was looking at the sand, his feet and the drink in his hand. She said his name again and he looked up. His green eyes were vibrant and wholly aroused. Heat rode up her spine at a galloping speed.

“I didn’t,” he said quietly, interpreting her response, “bring you here with any motive other than to spend time with you.”

“I know.” Callie rested back on her elbows, felt the wet suit stretch with her movements and saw his gaze narrow. “I also know you won’t rush me.”

He sucked in a breath. “I’m glad you know that.”

She relaxed fractionally. Dare she admit he was first man outside of her family who made her feel safe? “It’s not that I’m afraid of … of …” She waved her hand between them.

“Of making love?”

“With you?” She pushed herself up and let out a long breath. “No. It’s just that I’ve only ever been with one man in my whole life and it seems like such a long time ago.”

“There’s no hurry.”

Noah looked so calm and controlled. But Callie wasn’t fooled. He wanted her. Yet she knew he wouldn’t take what she wasn’t ready to give willingly. “There isn’t?” she queried with a husky breath. “You’re right.”

His eyes glittered brilliantly. “You know, you’re looking at me like that isn’t helping my good intentions.”

“Sorry,” she said on a breath. “I guess I’m out of practice at all this.”

“Don’t be sorry.”

The steady sincerity of his gaze raced directly to her heart. “Noah, I wish I was—”

“Come here,” he directed softly. “Stop thinking. Stop talking. Just come here.”

Callie resisted for a nanosecond and then she was in his arms. Noah captured her mouth in a deep, soul-wrenching kiss. She gripped his shoulders as he rolled her half on top of him. Their legs tangled and he grasped her hips, bringing her closer to the length of his body. “You’re so beautiful,” he whispered against her mouth.

Callie flung her head back and allowed him to trail hot kisses across her collarbone. She could feel him hard against her and her thighs parted, arching into his body. He touched her arms, her shoulders, her hands. He touched her over the wet suit, cradling her hips. Callie’s hands curled over his biceps and she sighed against his mouth. Touching him became as intrinsic as breathing. They kissed and kissed, absorbing one another. Noah rolled over in one swift move, lodging a leg between hers. Callie could feel the force of his erection and it fueled her desire, driving her to kiss him more, touch him more. She sighed, a deep shuddering sound that echoed through them both. She heard him groan, felt the rising urgency in his touch, knew that he was as driven by need as she was. He kissed her as he tugged the wet suit off her shoulders. He cupped her breast through the thin fabric of her bikini top and Callie felt a flood of moisture between her thighs, a longing deep down, driving her to want more, need more. Her hips rose in anticipation, waiting, wanting and screaming with need. She reached down to touch him, felt him hard against her palm, felt the power in her hands as he grew harder still against her stroking fingers. It was as if they had been doing this forever—as if they had known one another in another time, another life.

“Callie,” he muttered, like the word was ripped from his throat. “We have to stop.”

She put her hands into his hair. “No, please.”

“We have to stop,” he said again, raggedly. “I don’t have a condom. I can’t protect you.”

She clung to him. Some faraway voice told her he was right. But she wanted him so much. “It’s okay,” she breathed.

“No,” he said, more groan than anything else. “It’s not. I won’t … I won’t make you pregnant. At least, not like this. Not here. And not yet.”

Callie’s heart stilled, and pain filled every part of her chest. She felt herself move, retreat, pull away. She had to tell him of her pain. Her shame. “You’re right, Noah,” she whispered, suddenly cold. “You won’t make me pregnant.” A shuddering sigh came out. “I can’t have children.”

Noah pulled back immediately. He felt her hurt through to the blood in his bones.

She can’t have children.

The pieces of the puzzle of who she was fell spectacularly into place. Of course. It made so much sense. Her son had died and she’d never have another.

Then share mine burned on the edge of his tongue. He wanted to tell her, make her see that she could have children if she wanted them. His kids, who would welcome her into their life. He knew it as surely as he breathed. Even Lily. They needed her. He needed her.

She scrambled up and took a few moments to readjust her clothing. Once she’d pushed her wetsuit back up she began collecting the leftover foodstuffs and blanket.

Noah adjusted his own wet suit and moved behind her. “Callie?”

She shook her head as she picked up the blanket and began folding. “I’d really rather not talk about it.”

“I think we should,” he replied, not touching her but so close he felt her nearness like a magnetic field.

“I can’t have kids,” she said, folding and refolding. “That’s really all there is to it.”

“Because of the accident?”

She turned around and faced him. “Yes.” A simple response to a complicated situation. And not nearly enough. He looked at her and she continued. “I had a lot of internal injuries. The doctors told me I have about a ten-percent chance of ever carrying a baby to full term.”

He stared at her. “So you can get pregnant?”

Obviously not the question she was expecting. “Well—yes, I suppose. I just can’t stay pregnant.”

“Then we did the right thing by stopping.”

“I guess we did,” she said stiffly.

Noah took the blanket from her. “We did, Callie. Come on,” he said quietly. “The tide is coming in, we should get going.”

They barely spoke on the trip back. When he dropped her home he stayed for a coffee he didn’t really want. On the porch, with Tessa at his feet, Noah felt the tension of unfulfilled desire beat between them like a drum.

“You were right,” she said unsteadily before she sipped her coffee. “We were sensible to stop. I don’t think I could bear to get pregnant only to lose … to … well, you know what I mean. I guess that’s why I tell myself I can’t have children. It’s easier to cope with.”

“Ten percent is still ten percent,” he said soothingly. “It’s a chance.”

She shook her head. “No. It’s too big a risk. I didn’t really think a lot about children before I found out I was expecting Ryan. I guess I just took it for granted.” His gaze narrowed and she explained. “The feeling that a little piece of you keeps going on because of your children … It wasn’t until I was told I wouldn’t be a mother again that I realized just how much I really wanted it.” She sighed heavily. “One of life’s base instincts, I suppose.”

Noah set down his mug and grasped her hand. “There are many ways to become a parent, Callie,” he said and suddenly felt like spilling his guts and telling her everything about his disastrous marriage and Margaret’s infidelity.

She shrugged. “I suppose.”

It wasn’t the response he hoped for. “You don’t believe that?”

“I think … I think someone with four children wouldn’t really know what I feel.”

He stood up and walked to the stairs, turning around to face her with his hands on his hips. “And you once accused me of being arrogant,” he said pointedly.

“What does that mean?”

“It means that you didn’t corner the market on lousy relationships.”

“I didn’t say I had.”

“But you imply it,” he said quietly, completely frustrated. “I’m not going to pretend to fully grasp what it must have been like for you to lose your baby … or how it feels knowing you might never have another child. But despite what you might think, I do know a bit about disappointment … and loss.”

Her blue eyes shone. “Because of your wife?”

“Because I married a woman I didn’t love and who didn’t love me,” he replied. “And she spent the next ten years punishing us both for it. But I stuck with it because I’d made a commitment and I felt I owed my children a chance at a normal life with parents who stayed together.” Noah dropped his arms to his sides. “It was a train wreck from the very beginning.”

“But you stayed?”

“I stayed for the kids,” he said honestly. “They needed me.”

She stood up and reached him in a couple of steps. “You were right to stay,” she said. “For Lily’s sake especially. She’s afraid, you know. Afraid you might leave.”

Noah’s chest hurt. “She said that to you?”

“She implied it. I think Lily is frightened things are changing.”

“Change is inevitable, though.”

Callie nodded. “I suppose. I’m not an expert on teenage girls, Noah, but I was one once. And in a way I understand what Lily is feeling. My father was sick for a long time before he died. And even though I knew my mom wasn’t sick and wouldn’t die, too, part of me always feared that she might. So maybe you simply need to talk to Lily and tell her you’re not going anywhere.”

Strange how good it felt to talk to her about Lily. The years of going it alone had been lonely ones. He could easily imagine Callie at his side, every day, every night. “Thank you for caring about Lily.”

“I do care,” she said quietly and looked away.

Noah stepped closer and took hold of her chin, lifting her face up. “But you’re not sure you want to, right?”

“Honestly … being around you makes me more confused than I’ve ever been in my life.” Her hands found his chest. “Would you … would you like to stay for a while?”

“Yeah,” he breathed. “But I have to pick the kids up before three.”

“Oh.” Disappointment etched on her face.

“Evie’s got guests arriving at two,” he explained. “And my folks are golfing all day.”

She moved her fingertips. “Another time, then?”

He grasped her shoulders and looked at her. “I want to stay with you.” He pulled her close and her hands were imprisoned between them. “Believe me.” One hand moved over her shoulder and he gently touched the back of her neck and tilted her head fractionally. “I want to make love to you so much I can barely think about anything else.” Especially after what had happened between them down by the river. “I’ll call you later,” he said, kissing her. “And of course I’ll see you tomorrow, for Lily’s lesson.”

“Of course,” she whispered.

He kissed her again and the feel and taste of her was imprinted all over his skin. And Noah knew, without a doubt, that he wanted to love her for the rest of his life.

Only, he had no idea if Callie wanted the same thing.