The Remarkable History of Sir Thomas Upmore, bart., M.P., formerly known as «Tommy Upmore»

CHAPTER XIV.
A SILLY PAIR

I have often been taunted, by people who know nothing (multiplied into a million fibs) about me, that my mind is as volatile as my body, and goes about, in an unsettled manner, for want of the leaden belt, which motherly care so long kept round my stomach. It is equally needless, and useless, to present reason to such irrationals; and I try to be proud, in my loftier moments, of affording them amusement, which amuses me.

But, to reasonable persons, who can hearken to a thing, and take it into common sense, and weigh it – whenever it concerns their own affairs enough – to these (if any) I would simply say, "follow my own history of my own acts, and judge, by my own account, of what nobody else can know so well." And any one, proceeding upon this fair principle, will find more to approve than to condemn in me, however much I may tell against myself.

Hoping that fair-play will prevail – as it generally does in the end – I confess, that at this very tender age of fifteen, I proved for the rest of my holidays, untrue to the image of Polly Windsor. Polly was not there; and even if she had been, how would she have looked, I should like to know, by the side of Laura Twentifold? She was double her size, that is certain at the least; but in quality, oh what a difference! And yet again, manners, and the fear of what I might say greatly against my own interest, enable me to speak in a chastened style; and to do that, I had better leave Polly still absent.

On the very day after Professor Megalow returned to his duties in London, my dear lady comforted her mind, by returning to the place still full of him. You must understand, that the Professor had never been actually staying at the Towers; because, without any other fullgrown gentleman dwelling in the house, it might have looked amiss. So he had his own camping place at Crowton-on-the-Naze, which is ten miles further up the coast than the rising watering-place, called Happystowe. Yet there had not been many days, when he failed to put himself into spruce attire – so far as his nature permitted – and to dine, and make a pleasant evening, with my lady, and her gallant son, Sir Roland. And when he was gone, it could not be helped, that the evenings should grow long, and dull.

It must have been August, and about the middle of it (according to our holidays, which were sadly near their end), when my dear Lady walked down the sands, to talk to an ancient fisherman, about keeping the relics of the whale upright. Roly was gone, with the Keeper, inland, to see about exercising some young dogs, in preparation for the shooting-time; and the lovely little lady, and myself, were left, to look for pretty shells, and to amuse each other. And I never grew tired of obeying her commands; so sweet was her voice, and so gentle were her eyes.

"Now I want to show all these," she said, "to my darling Dorothea, that she may choose exactly what she likes; and it is high time to put her necklace on, that you have made so beautifully, Ariel."

She always called me "Ariel;" because she had heard her mother do it, once or twice, and she said it was so much prettier than "Tommy." And although she was more than ten years old, she had not outgrown the wholesome joy of a little woman in her baby-doll. Dorothea, moreover, was quite young at present, and sweetly instructive in the newest fashions, having only come two days ago from Paris, with the kind introduction of Professor Megalow.

"You may sit down quite close to dear Dorothea; because you are not clumsy and rough, like Roly; who cannot at all enter into the feelings of a lovely and delicate creature, like this. And, Ariel, I am quite sure that Dolly will like you, as soon as she opens her eyes, which are shut now – you must understand – from the sea-air being too much for her. But you must let me put her necklace on, although you have made it so beautifully; not that I would not trust you to do it, but because you cannot understand her hair. It would hardly be proper, if you did, you know."

She was always like this, such a sweet little love; so afraid of hurting anybody's feelings, and so ready to think everybody good. When I sat down near her, on a bank of bed-rushes, with the doll sitting carefully between us, I could not help feeling ungrateful in my heart, for the prospect of Miss Polly Windsor to-morrow. And I could not quite fancy that Maiden Lane – though alive with delights of its proper class – could supply such contentment to sight, and thought (not that I put it so grandly then) as the place I sate in, and the things I saw. For the tide was coming in, with pleasant feeling of the air, and ready briskness of the things, that had been waiting for it. At every short step that it made in advance – for the waves toddled in, like babies – there was some pretty thing, starting up in front, to run, and to glisten before it. But the prettiest thing of all sate there by me.

"You are always at work," she said, "always doing something. Why do people want us to be educated so? Those funny letters are all Greek, I know; because Roly has got some that he learns at Harrow. But he doesn't seem to like it, more than I like French; and he puts it in a cupboard, for the holidays. Ariel, why should you work more than Roly does? He never does a thing, unless he likes it."

I had thought this out, and my reply was ready. "Roly will be a rich man, and I shall not. He belongs to great people, and I belong to small ones. He will get on all the same, whether he works, or not."

"Then I call that as unfair as anything can be. And I could not have believed it, though I know you tell the truth, unless I had heard of such things before. We all ought to work, to do good, of course; but not in the middle of the holidays."

"I have got to go back to old Rum, on Monday;" I answered, with a wistful gaze at her; "and unless I can say a hundred lines of Homer, beginning at the place where we left off, cracks will be the word, and no mistake. And he's come to be so sharp, from being done so often, that there's not a fellow now with the pluck to run a tib, or a crib, or a leary round the corner. Ton d' apameibomenos is the only cock that fights."

"What a lucky thing it is to be a girl!" She cast her eyes down, after looking at me, to learn my opinion of this sentiment; for that opinion showed itself as opposite as could be, to hers. "I only mean because we don't get cracks, and we don't jump on one another, as they do to you sometimes; oh, Ariel, how can you put up with that? And then they tie a string to your toe at night. What courage it must take, to be a boy!"

"Before Bill Chumps went to Oxford," I replied, while looking at the tiny foot, she put forth on the sand; "he shut up all bullying, in our school. There used to be a lot of it; and after getting taw, or togy, in the playground, and rats in school, a fellow couldn't sleep, for fear of cramp. But Bill set up a different fashion altogether; and the little fellows now begin to cock over us, who are their seniors. I am getting bigger than I used to be, and so well up in the school, that I am very useful, in doing the big fellows' exercises. And they never jump on me, as they used to do, when I couldn't try to fly for them. Grip would have something to say to them, next morning, if they tried it."

"Oh, I do love Grip, because he is so ugly; and I love you, Ariel, because you are so pretty, and so kind, and gentle; and you never do mischief, unless Roly sets you the example. I shall cry, when you go away; I'm sure I shall; and I shall put Dorothea into mourning for you. I don't believe a bit that your papa makes candles; and if he does – how could we go to bed, without them? I should just like to ask people that. And what could they say, I should be glad to know?"

To me this appeared an extremely sensible, and large-minded view of the case, and I did not hesitate to promote it.

"And what would you do without soap, Lady Laura? My father makes soap of the finest quality. A great deal better, as everybody says, than any turned out by Mr. Windsor, though he put his name on every cake – 'Windsor's best brown Windsor.' And no better than curds, every square of it."

"Then if I see any of it in my room, I shall throw it straight out of the window, and say 'Please to bring me Ariel's soap.' But you must not call me 'Lady Laura.' My mother is a lady, but I am not; till I marry my cousin, Lord Counterpagne; as they say I shall have to do, when I grow up. But I don't care about him at all, till then. He has got red hair, and his eyes are crooked."

Although it was no concern of mine, this arrangement appeared to me most unfair. But I did not dare to say a word against it.

"Oh, Ariel," my little beauty went on, after taking up her doll, and coaxing it; "can you think of anything so bad, as marrying a person you don't like? Because you can never get away, you know; according to the law of the land, I believe, and according to the Bible. My mother has never said a word about it; but Roly declares that I am bound to do it, and he is always determined to have his own way. Oh, Dorothea, what would you do?"

I knew very little of the world as yet, and in matters above me, I was loth to speak; but I could not help saying – "There is lots of time yet. You may trust me to help you, if you only let me know."

"How stupid I am! I never thought of that;" she turned over towards me, and put up her hands, as if for me to help her; and then suddenly began to stroke my hair, as she had often longed to do, but had hitherto refused my invitation. "I must do it once, before you go, to see how the whole of it is fastened on. Don't be afraid; I won't hurt you, Ariel. I know how Ethel Jones does mine. And if they want to marry me, and I don't like it, all you will have to do, is this – to get into the train, and come down here, and then take off your lead, and fly away with me, and come back when the ceremony is over."

"But how could they do it, without you?" I asked.

"You musn't expect me to be reasonable always;" she answered, and began to play with me, gently, and beautifully, and laughing all the time.

"What a pair of silly little things you are!" Lady Twentifold came upon us suddenly, while Laura was trying to uncurl my hair, and I was offering to kiss her, but afraid to do it; while she was dodging in and out, to tempt me more; "Ariel, you told me this morning, that unless you learned a hundred lines of Greek to-day, you had better not be born, next Monday. And you asked me to write a letter of apology, to your learned Dr. Rumbelow. He is likely to be our new Bishop, I was told this morning; and it will put Roly down, for he made sure that his Master would receive the offer. So I hope that you will never call him 'Old Rum,' any more."

"Old Rum to be the Bishop, my dear lady!" I cried, as if I had quite lost my place. "And who is to be our master, I should like to know? Oh, I won't learn another line; 'twould be trouble thrown away."

My practical conclusion was borne out by facts – sad facts for all sons of the Partheneion. Dr. Rumbelow's luck was a joy to us, at first; because we all liked him, and got off a lot of work. But our joy soon went, and a bad time followed; as we all found out, and pretty quickly too. For the new master's name, was Crankhead, "Ernest Mauleverum Crankhead," M.A., a Cambridge man, and a lofty Wrangler; but without much Greek, as we soon found out.

Now, before I left Twentifold Towers, and returned to the smell of our works, – which had changed very greatly for the worse, while I was away down here, – Sir Roland Towers-Twentifold (being well sixteen, and tall for his age, and of long experience, at one of our largest public schools) took me aside into a saddle-room, wherein he was learning to smoke cigars, and put into a nutshell all the essence of the British Constitution. How I wish, I could remember what he said! But it sank into my mind, too deeply ever to be brought up again; and it blended with, and flourished in, the flower of my life; as liquid manure reappears in bright flowers, "inscripti nomina regum."

"Tommy," he went on, as soon as ever he had put into ten words the lessons of a thousand years, "you will see now, how it is that we don't get on. We never get a man to take the lead, who knows his own mind, and will stick to it, and throw up his situation, rather than carry it on, against his own lights. And then, there come a lot of fellows swarming for first pull, as we rush to the swipes-can after cricket; and the louder any cad is for his rights (which are sure to mean the wrongs of some quieter chap), the surer he is to get served first. Now, can you call this Government?"

"I don't pretend to know much about it," I replied, for we had held some conversation of this kind before; "but my father says, that any business carried on, as the Government of this country is, would have to put its shutters up, within three months, if it started with a hundred thousand pounds. But you mustn't tell any one that he said this; for I believe, by the way he would not answer me, that he has got a fine Government contract, by this time."

"Your father is quite right; he is a man of strong sense;" Sir Roland made answer, as soon as he could, after taking a large puff of smoke the wrong way; "let him get every farthing he can from the Government, and then he will be able to understand them. Why, I might not have got the knowledge that I have, except for a trick that they wanted to play about my cousin Counterpagne, when he comes of age. Counterpagne is soft, and his mother no better; and being of an ancient Tory race, they expected to have things made smooth for them. But I can't stop, to tell you all that now. You are to come back at Christmas, and you shall hear it then. Counterpagne is to marry little Laura, to prevent any mischief to our property, and influence; and between us, we shall send six members up, besides Counterpagne himself in the Peers of course, and me in the Commons, for the Towers' own hole. But, Tommy, look at me, and tell me this. If under a Government, that calls itself Conservative, as the present fellows do, such things can be done, as I was going to tell you; what is to be expected of the Radicals? I'll tell you what; if the Constitution lasts till I am of age, which seems a most unlikely thing – I shall want you, and every man of sense I know, to collect, and put your shoulders to the wheel. Remember that."

I did not at all understand what he meant, although he had spoken several times to this effect. But I promised to do all I could; and was pleased with the thoughts of becoming so important.

"Tommy, you will rise," my friend continued, without asking what I was thinking of; "such a fellow as you are, must go up, unless he makes a downright fool of himself. You can beat me all to fits, in Greek and Latin, though you have only been at a dirty little private school. You have got a most wonderful face of your own; so easy-going, and sweet-tempered, that it makes every fellow think you slow, and drop all jealousy about you. And more than all, – and that alone should be enough to make your fortune – you can draw the attention of the whole world upon you, whenever you please, by going over their heads. I have been very good, in letting you off, without sending you up, a lot of times. But you know that I have done it upon one condition – you must cultivate the art, without any one's knowledge, and be ready to go up, at some great moment, when I give the signal. Pretend, for the present, that you can't do it; but practise, as I told you, more and more. I have shown you the muscles you must try to strengthen, and the places where you must lay on fat. It is nothing in the world, but a kind of swimming; and there everything depends upon your being quite at home. Now, remember what I say; and when you come down at Christmas, I shall put you through your paces, and expect to find you perfect."

"Oh, Roly," I replied, "you talk as lightly as all the men of science did about me. I will do my very utmost to please you, I am sure. But I never expect to be of any service to you. You are learning to smoke, and your smoke goes up; and that makes you think that I can do the same."

"Exactly so, Tommy. A great deal of it went down, until I understood it. And now look at that!"

CHAPTER XV.
POLITICAL ŒCONOMY

By going from home, after so many years, we had not only done ourselves no good – in the opinion of our friends, who could not go – but we had opened the door to a swarm of changes, which came rushing in upon the heels of each other. To me, the greatest change of all appeared to have taken place in Maiden Lane itself; for the houses had turned black, and the windows grimy, and the roadway and the pavement (wherever there was any) seemed to cry aloud for washing, and the people too, unconscious as they were of such desire.

Excitement appeared to be the main thing now, and hurry, and suspicion, and no time to look about; whereas both at Happystowe, and Crowton-on-the-Naze, the chief business of the natives was, to look at one another; and when there was no more to be made of that, to consider the meaning of the sand and sea. And taken on the whole, those folk looked wiser, and a great deal happier than ours did.

But to dwell upon that, would be ungraceful now, when I call to mind that our own boiling, and the agitation of my father's engine had a great deal to do with the ferment around us. No sooner had my father returned to business – with Joe Cowl, and the summons, wiped off his conscience, and Billy Barlow's new devices written in his heart – than he found on his desk, he could never tell how, a sealed invitation to tender for soap, for the heads of all the convicts (with average stated), in six great castles, for the improvement of our race. The consumption of soap, per head was given, and a number of smaller particulars, all in print and proper columns; and then the requirement for samples, to be delivered at six places. And in pencil, very faint upon the margin, there was written, "It must not be soft, and it must be strong. Price not to be too low, like the Rads' stuff. Tallow will be wanted soon. Rub this out." There was something so touching in this, and so full of fine feeling, as between man and man, that my father immediately filled his pipe, and had a good smoke to consider it. At one time, his heart warmed up with thinking of the goodwill remaining in politics yet, and the loyalty every one is bound to show to, and expect from, his own side. And yet again, he could not feel sure, that he ought to have any faith at all in this. Why should there be six samples sent, of a stone weight each, to six different places, and all to be left without the money? It looked like a hoax, with Joe Cowl at the root of it, to get a paltry laugh at him; or else a swindle, to get three-fourths of a hundredweight of soap, for nothing. He resolved to act warily, and so he did. "If they mean well to me," he said, "they will never examine my samples."

They meant so thoroughly well to him, that they sniffed at his samples, and found them shocking – for he sent the worst stuff he could lay hand on, for fear of having it stolen – and then they gave an order for sixty tons, to be furnished at once, and sixty more to follow. Our works had never sent out such a lot before, at one delivery; and no wonder that they could not think of me.

"John Windsor shall not have a finger in the pie;" my father said right manfully; "I am not at all sure that his politics are sound. He would lower my quality, to get the next himself. You know how he wanted to run away, Sophy, when that great bombardment came. Let every vat stand upon its own bottom."

"Bucephalus, you are quite right," mother answered; "as you always are, when you get on. Work double tides, Bubbly, and double your hands. Don't let them have a penny, if you can help it."

So grand was the commodity thus produced, with the help of the lessons at Happystowe, that it is remembered to the present day, and cited as the type of excellence. For sanitary purposes it was needed and it not only met but transcended them. There was not a convict left with a stub of hair, though their hair is always bristly; and very few had such constitution, as to keep any roots for future trouble. Universal satisfaction was expressed, and my father put up the Royal Arms, twice as big as the knacker's across the road, and done in thicker timber. "Thoroughly candid, and straight-forward," he said to every one who spoke of it; "good value for money, good money for value. Public confidence met, by private industry, enterprise, and honour. I serve them exactly as I should serve you. Just to turn five per cent. on my money, and no more. If any man calls that exorbitant, let him come and do it cheaper."

The only thing at all mysterious was the requirement for six samples, to be delivered at six places far apart. But that was explained most pleasantly, so that my father rubbed his hands, and chuckled, while he was reading the debates, in the early part of the following session. A figuresome member of the Opposition, who thought himself fit to be Chancellor of the Exchequer, had given notice of a question, concerning a certain contract for soap, to be supplied to Her Majesty's penal establishments, etc., with dates, and other insinuations. And he made a very hasty speech about it, confounding the post, and the propter hoc; quite as if my father, whom he dared to call a "wholly unknown manufacturer," had been preferred for a lucrative contract, because of his behaviour at election-time! So far as wickedness can be good, this man spoke well, having got up all his facts; and he sate down in triumph, as he thought.

But before he had time to digest his cheers, the gentleman, who was to reply got up, with a beautiful smile, and a very pleasant glance at a paper laid before him, "I am furnished with particulars, from the head of the department, concerning this heinous transaction, sir," he said; "and I find that large samples were delivered in six quarters, widely apart, and wholly unconnected; the names of which I will read, if desired." Loud cheers followed from every corner of the House – for nobody likes to have his own rights interfered with – and the speaker concluded, "I will ask for no apology. From the Honourable Member for Clap-trap, it would be of no more value than his imputation."

"Well," said my father, when he had read this twice; "I call that something like a Government. If we only get a few more contracts, Sophy, we'll send Tommy into the House to see about them. There might be a stranger thing, my dear, than a long blue paper for ten thousand pounds, with "Thomas Upmore" signed for Her Majesty above, and "Bucephalus Upmore," for himself below. What a rage John Windsor will be in, when he reads about those six samples, and not one of them gone out of his gate! I had sense enough to keep the whole of that inside my own waistcoat."

Now, it would have been good, and even pleasant for the public – lustily though they condemned us, at the time – if the only increase of activity shown in those parts had come out of our chimneys. But there always is a mob of people, who never will leave well alone; and these had got up deputations, petitions, memorials, circulars, indignation meetings, committees, commissions, and worst of all missiles, concerning the wholesome smell we made, and had made before some of their fathers were born. When the unenlightened mass of minds falls into this bubonic fever of excitement, the right thing to administer is gruel, in the form of general promises, a desire to hear all that can be said, and a thoroughly unselfish gratitude towards those, who have made the worst of you. But my father had never possessed this wisdom, which belongs of sweet right to the Liberals; and whether on the ground of true British principle, or the Royal Arms, or the money coming in, he took a firm stand, with his hands in his pockets, and his legs well apart, and defied the public.

"Every blessed flue of mine," he said, "have gone ten feet higher, since I were a boy; and with present foundations, can't go no higher. Before folk grumble, their place is to stump up. If every cantankerous fellow, who don't know a wholesome smell by the touch of it, would put down a half-crown, if he has got one, instead of signing lies against me, I don't know but what I might lay foundations, and change my insurance, and go twenty foot higher. Though a heap of disease would break out, I expect. Look at the plants in my bed-room window, scarlets, and blue things, and lilies of the Nile! Is there any man, or woman, round these parts, half so good-looking, or so sweet to come by? They like it rarely, and so would you, if you understood what is good for you. And who was here first, you, or I, and my fathers, for three generations of boilers? We didn't want the houses; they came round us; every brick of them was laid, with my smoke to set it. And very good neighbours they have always been, till this scientific stuff came up, about cur-bones, and oxen, and the Lord knows what! I tell you what – if you don't like it, budge yourself, but you won't budge me."

Such speeches only made the fuss grow louder; until the authorities felt themselves compelled to do something sanatory. There was no "Metropolitan Board of Works," as yet, I believe; or if there was, it never came up our way. But the Vestry of St. Pancras had many stormy meetings, which my father deigned not to attend; but his workmen were there in great force, and made more noise than our new steam-engine. In short, the matter came (as every matter does now, and the practice already was beginning) to what is called "a reasonable and satisfactory compromise, conciliating all interests." The complaint of the public had been about the air, and the noxious exhalations, and vile odours, as they chose to call them. But who can see the air? Who can tell what is in it? It varies with every puff of wind. Let us turn to something tangible. The earth is a thing that can be dealt with, and the earth is at the bottom of every mischief on the face of it. So, to cure the smell of our chimneys, they ordered a four-foot culvert down our valley, where the course of the old Fleet-stream had been; and the voice of the public went off to it.

This being settled, my father was enabled to make tenfold the smells he had ever made before, without any one hoisting a handkerchief. An inquisitive stranger would sometimes ask, whether this neighbourhood was always choked with vapours, which he coarsely stigmatized. A piece of valuable advice, common (yet neglected universally) about the prior claims of his own affairs, was the only reward for his sympathies. What right had a fellow, with a walking-stick, to come grumbling against our rate-payers, and their engineers, and contractors? Measures were being taken, or at any rate were in contemplation; and every man with a horse and cart would get fifteen shillings a day for them.

But alas, how little do we forecast, while we vindicate, our own welfare! It would have been better for my dear father – as upright and downright a man as ever lived – to have gone to the expense of a new chimney-stack one hundred feet high, or even to have put out all his fires, than to have helped to bring that drain, down our hitherto Maiden valley. The soil in the bottom was of concentrated essence, combining all the density of bygone generations with the volatile relics of their labours. It would grow almost anything, if only scratched, and no healthier place for a walk could be found; but wisdom is not justified of her fathers, when she goes to turn them up.

In happy ignorance of woes impending, I went back to the Partheneion, and found the whole establishment turned upside down. Grip came with me, as a thing of course, and found his old barrel standing on its head, and a notice upon it in large letters – "No dogs allowed." If anything rouses the juvenile spirit, such rude breach of prescription does it. With the help of Jack Windsor, who was quite of my mind, I replaced the barrel in its old position, which was snug in a corner impregnable to guns, and I fastened him there with his own long chain, and said, "Now defend yourself, old boy. I have got lots of money, and you shall not starve." He fully understood the situation; and if any demand for sympathy arose, it would be on behalf of the individual attempting to dislodge him.

Then all of us were summoned to the hall, to hear an oration from the "Principal" – as he styled himself, to start with – our new schoolmaster, Ernest Mauleverum Crankhead, a short brisk gentleman, quite young, with a pale square face, a yellow moustache, and very quick bronzy eyes, which never took two seconds' rest upon anything. Accustomed as we were to the long grave countenance, waving white locks, and calm abstracted gaze of our simple old Dr. Rumbelow, we could not believe that we saw the new man; until he stood up at what he called the rostrum, and hit it three times, with an ivory hammer.

"Going, going, gone!" Jack Windsor whispered; and gone was the glory of the Partheneion. We knew it, we felt it, without a word uttered, our hearts fell into the heels of our socks; and no boy thought twice of the things in his pocket. Our account would be with a sharp hand now, a resolute, and a malignant one; and what was worst of all, and which a boy descries at the very first glance, – we should not have to deal with a gentleman. "I shall never go up any more," thought I.

I remember very little of what Crankhead said; and none of it is worth repeating. But he gave us to understand, that the sooner we forgot everything we had learned hitherto, and began on lines entirely new, the better it would be for our own minds, and what mattered far more, our success in life. For the few, whose parents might still be benighted enough to insist upon Greek and Latin, a Classical Master would be kept, but the College – for such he had the cheek to call it – would henceforth aim at a loftier mark. Science was the noble, and simple distinction, the all-absorbing element of this age. Mankind had been lying on their backs till now, looking up at the stars, and at imaginary Powers; now they arose, and asserted their rights, and their kinship to every organic being, and the interchangeability of everything. Classes for science would be formed to-morrow, under the charge of the four most eminent Professors of the period, Professors Brachipod, and Jargoon, Chocolous, and Mullicles!