The Remarkable History of Sir Thomas Upmore, bart., M.P., formerly known as «Tommy Upmore»

CHAPTER XIII.
WHALEBONES

My dear mother always says, and allows no contradiction about it, that this whale, being all bones and blubber, had no right whatever to come ashore there, and to set me against my father's trade. She declares that all science is full of smells, a thousand times worse than we make; and that all their fuss about drains is just, that they may get themselves cleaned up, for nothing. All the people before her, in generation, lived to be ninety, without any drain upon them; except her own parents, and why did they die? Why, because there was a drain carried through their garden; and the smell came in, and choked them!

In support of this view, there is much to be said; and according to my own experience, ten people are killed, by the making and opening of drains, for one who can hope in his lungs, that he breathes better air when near them. Nature has designed the human race, to stand well apart on the face of the earth, and not huddle up in hillocks, as the emmets do; and their certainty of fighting, when they get too thick, shows this, without further argument. And another thing that proves it, is the fact, that when they clot together, they make drains; which destroy everybody who is fond of them. My father was as well as any man could be, till what they call "sanitary engineering" broke his constitution; and the lively smells, that our works had scattered, were bottled into deadly poison.

As yet, I was too young to understand such matters, or even to give a thought to them; but the standing I took upon that whale, and the pleasure with which I went into him, did a great deal for me, in the good opinion (than which there could be no better one) of the kind Professor Megalow. Roly would not come anigh our operations, after one experiment, and a short one; but I, with my quickness and lightness of tread, was of some little service, I do believe, in the cause of harmless science. I learned all the names of the Professor's tools, and could bring them to him, without wanting any ladder; and any little cut, that could be made without much strength, I could make under his direction, while he was at the bigger work. He did not attempt to get all the skeleton, greatly as he longed to do so; for this was no whale to be found every day, but one who had no business here; and his name was something like chocolate. The Professor sighed heavily; as his bones grew more, and more, attractive, and hung over us, like a great arbour drooped with a fine lot of creepers; but he knew, long since, what it is to depend, for money, upon the Government. Lucky would he be, to get the head, and fins, and tail, and some odds and ends, if a dozen rival claimants would let him have so much.

"That whale is mine," said Lady Twentifold; "he chose to land on my property, and I give him to Professor Megalow; not to the Government, that won't pay a penny, but to the Professor, to put in his own garden."

"That whale belongs to me," said the local receiver of the droits of the Admiralty; "the foreshore is vested in the Crown, and the Admiralty represents the Crown."

"Clearly, there can be no question," said the man, who represented the Trinity House, "that the whale is ours; and we mean to have him."

Then there came a lawyer, employed by the crew of the boat who had first harpooned him; and another retained by the men who stuck him last; and another by a captain who had espied him go down; and another by a fisherman who headed him ashore; and one by the Coast-guard, who had seen him stranded first; and two by a man who had foretold the weather, and kept his ropes ready, though he never had to use them. But, in spite of all these claims, the men who got him, or at least got all the best of him, were the men who made no claim at all; but came down, with carts and casks, and helped themselves.

For my part, I thought it not only unjust, but stupid, that I should work so hard, and establish a right, as the Professor said, to a very considerable share of blubber, and my father not get a pailful! I wrote to him, beginning with a line of Latin – not so much to accredit my learning, as to make him pay proper attention, – and after that, I said that here there was any quantity of stuff, such as he could never get, for love or money, (unadulterated), and it was to be had, for the asking; or rather for taking, without asking. I told him, how it shone in the sun, and held together, and took different colours as you looked at it; and I was sure that he would make his fortune; because he could get it for nothing, and make it mix up into everything. And I was certain of stirring him up, and getting five shillings, by return of post, when I added – "Everybody says that Mr. Barlow, of Happystowe candle-works, will make a thousand pounds, out of this poor whale, that is being cut up by me, and Professor Megalow."

My mother was kind enough to answer; but without any sort of reference to business. My father took no more notice of my letter, than if I had sent him a bark of Grip's, instead of a pill-box, filled with sample from my own knife, at a place where the blubber was more than fourteen inches thick. And this goes some way to prove, that his mind was already on the rise above the smaller details, and getting into larger views of lofty subjects, such as chemical researches, political œconomy, and even Government contracts. And it turned out afterwards, as you will see, that he was right in attending to these wholesale sizes.

Dear mother sent me half a crown in stamps, for fear of my changing the half-sovereign, and related a beautiful dream she had enjoyed, about me, and Professor Megalow, standing on the whale, with our wings spread out. "She knew, from all the pictures, what a whale was like, and hoped (for the sake of my new overcoat) I kept out of the way, when he spouted. And, if I could bring a piece of genuine bone, for the sake of her stays, it would be such a comfort, for everything now was adulterated; and their want of spring ran into her. And then, she added, that she did not think I had better write a line to Polly Windsor (though she sent me a message from Polly, to say that I ought to have done it long ago), because it was not so well to go too far, and create expectations, which might come to nothing. Her own opinion was, that after my last fly, and the high society it led to, there was no telling what might be before me, in the family way, and otherwise. But above all, she begged me, for her dear sake, not to trust to the grand dinners I got here, and their turtle and their venison, and their Aspic jelly, but to keep the tongue of the buckle of my lead-belt in the third hole from the end; for, if the wind took me, out over the sea, what could Lady Twentifold, and the whale, and even the great Professor do?"

I was quite content to save fingers from pen, in the direction of Polly Windsor. Polly was very well in her way; when she chose to be pleased, and look pretty. Moreover, she was a very well-grown girl, with broad shoulders, and big arms, and long brown hair, and her feet so truly a pair, that she never could tell her right shoe from her left. And from her mother she had inherited so much strength of dignity, that, if I went to kiss her, when the mood was not in liking, or if she saw me trying it with any of her enemies, she would take me up with one hand, and lay me on the cinders. But I must not say too much of that; or Sir William Chumps will be down upon me.

We had promised to marry one another; ever since she had her first pink slips, and I went into trousers; but I never vowed not to speak to any other girl, nor to let her box my ears, and say "thank you, dear;" as she seemed to believe that I had done. And surely, it is no great reproach upon me, that now, in this busy time, I never thought about her, unless I got something very good to suck, and wished that she were there to have a bit. For it must be understood, that Professor Megalow, could not do a good stroke of work without me, according to the very best of my belief; and as he was lodging at Crowton Naze, which was more than three miles from the Towers, and as he must get to work, the moment that the sunlight came over the sea into the wattles of the whale, there was no help for it, but that I must be up, by the crow of a cock, who lived under my window; for not a serving man, or ruling woman, at the Towers, would take sixpence a day, to get up so soon. Sir Roland called me a confounded fool, and said that I came there to play, and not to work; and even Lady Twentifold was vexed with me. But, like everybody else, she fell under the enchantment of the Professor's eyes, and smile. And I did hear my lady's favourite maid declaring to her cousin, who had to make my bed, that "you should have seen my lady's face, when she was told, by a friend who pretended to know all about him, that the Professor had been married, for several years."

At any rate, he worked as hard, as if he had a large small family to keep; and I was told afterwards, and can well believe (because he was under the Government) that he would have been paid, more than twice as much, if he had done less than half the work. But neither of us gave a thought to that. Our object was to walk off with the whale, or so much of him as was moveable; before the twelve lawyers, who were hard at work, could get an order from the Courts, to stop us. And luckily, this was the season of the year, when the law (like a Python) retires for three months, to digest its swallowings. Moreover, when a boat's crew of people, (who care for the law, about as much as science does) that is to say, blunt fishermen came with intention of landing at high water, and storming the whale, who was well drawn up, – even the Professor could not have stopped them (though Lady Twentifold's bailiff was there, to back him up, through thick and thin), if once those fellows could have landed. By saying to Grip "have a care, my boy," I was able to do a good turn to our cause; for he knew a gun better than I did, and feared no other thing on earth, but that. One look into the boat convinced him that these rogues had got no fire-arms; and as soon as he had knocked over two, who desired to land, the rest held parley.

"Our coast-guard will be withdrawn, next week," the Professor assured them, in his kind and solid way; and whether they misunderstood his meaning, and believed the Preventive men to be in possession, or whether they were glad of some good reason for withdrawal; at any rate they withdrew as promptly, as every one of English race does now, when it might prove troublesome to go on. Moreover, they showed a grand contempt for us; which the mere act of running away exhibits. And in all probability they were wise; for Grip had struck back upon ancestral qualities, as some few Englishmen do, even yet. By slow, and solid holding of his own, he had thrashed all the Twentifold Tower dogs, every one of whom was to have eaten him; and now he was living on whalebone, and every muscle was as hard as wire. If mental analogy counts for aught, against low physical resemblance, Grip was far more akin to the English race, than the present generation is.

The Professor was delighted with all these works; and, as soon as we had finished, and packed up the results, he laid his hand upon my head. Upon his own, he had a velvet cap; and the whole of his face was one sweet smile.

"Tommy," he said, looking steadfastly at me, and swinging a little from side to side, for he always stood with his head well back, and his heels a trifle forward; "what a help you have been, my dear little Tommy – a truly strongsiding champion! Now, before I go, to see your good works stowed away in our dark recesses, tell me what I can do for you, to show the gratitude of the nation." He was fond of talking in this style, making small things great, and great things small.

"If you please, sir," I said, after thinking awhile, for I believed that he could do anything; "I should be so glad, if you could stop me, from having to go up in the air so."

Professor Megalow's bright smile changed into a smile of sadness. He began to rub his well-established nose, in the fork of his finger and thumb; and then he whistled, and put his hands into his trouser pockets.

"Oh yes, sir, you can, if you like;" I said, taking hold of one thumb, which he had left out; "there is nothing of the things that can be done, that you can't do, when you like, sir. I only want to be able to take off this lead, that makes me blue all round, and to leave these heavy things behind; and get to feel the ground under my feet go firm; as it seems to do, with everybody else but me. I have longed so often to ask you, sir; but I did not like, until you asked me. Oh, Sir Megalo-micro-sauros, do try to help me, if I have helped you."

He had told me to call him "Micro-sauros" once, when I stuck fast with his proper name, – "for our origin now is established, my Tommy; and yet, we may modify our pedigrees. My proclivities show me to be devolved, in a very degenerate, and underfed form, from the mighty race of Saurians." And as cause, and effect, interlace each other, he spent his life, in dissecting his ancestors.

"Thomas," he said now, for whenever he spoke in a very solid vein, he called me that; "Thomas, my boy, be contented with that, which has been ordained concerning you. Yours is not the only instance of what our friends call Meiocatobarysm; the meaning of which you have Greek enough now, as well as experience enough to know. The form of life, in which you find yourself, is perhaps the happiest among all, with which we are as yet acquainted – to wit, that of an English boy, of the middle class, well-fed, well-taught, well-played (if I may be allowed the expression), dressed, quite as well as he cares to be, and walking about at his leisure, with an eye down the manifold vistas of mischief. In a few years, Thomas will have changed all that. He will find himself bound to pay rates, and taxes, and never know when he has paid them right; to go to his office, with a compressor on his head, and measure his words, like poison; to doubt his very oldest friends, and be hearty with people he can't bear the sight of; and to go home at night, with the certainty that one run of bad luck may ruin him. Thomas, be happy while you can."

"But, sir," I answered; "how can I be happy, when everybody expects me to go up? No one else, in the world, is expected to go up; because he couldn't do it, if he tried. And I can't go up, more than once in a way; even if my mother would allow me. And yet, I am always getting blamed, by a number of people, for not going up. Even Roly is down upon me now, to do it; and because I won't try, but keep working at the whale, he seems to be getting tired of me."

"Tommy, that is sad; and yet a natural result. To my far less remarkable self, it has happened; when kind friends expected me to rise too fast. Reserve yourself, Tommy; and preserve your self-respect. But would you be really glad, my boy, to lose this special gift of yours? Remember, that if you do, you cease to attract any public attention – doubtful benefit as that may be. Do you really wish, to be unable to pirouette in the air again?"

Professor Megalow, in the kindest manner, put both hands on my shoulders, and fixed his very large clear eyes on mine. It was hopeless for any one, looked at thus, to tell a lie; neither was my nature that.

"If you please, sir," I said, "there is nothing I like better, than to be taken for a wonder of the world, and to read a whole column in the Newspapers about me, beginning with 'Unparalleled phenomenon.' But what I can't bear is, to be always bothered to do it, for people to look at; and to be laughed at, as if I were a rogue, or else a curmudgeon, when I don't go up, to order. Sometimes, I have been tempted to pull my weights off – but I promised my mother, that I never would do that. And you know, sir, that I can only go up, now and then; and always, when I don't want to do it. And when I come down again, I am so stupid; and my head goes round, for hours."

"The natural result of anything counter to the ordinary laws of earth. Have you anything more to explain, concerning your wishes, so far as you know them?"

"No, sir, except that I should like once, to go up, if it was only as high as his hat, when my father was there, to see me do it. Because he is so cock-sure that I can't do it; and he calls it nothing but a pack of lies. And, somehow or other, I assure you, sir, I am just like a lump of lead, when father is looking at me."

"A common complaint of the Mediums, Tommy, of the effect incredulity has on them. But, my dear little anthropic nautilus, I can do nothing, either to make, or mar your excursions over my own head. As I have told you before, there is nothing exceptional in your formation; only it happens, that your bodily contour is exactly such as to promote the tendencies of your specific levity. Do you understand me, noble volant?"

"Well, sir, I think that I do a little; but not very clearly, until I get older. Bodily contour means the turning of my body, when I go up; doesn't it?"

"No, Tommy, no. It means physical outline; if that is any clearer to you. You give me a lesson in lucidity, as the cant of the day calls clearness. To put what I mean, into the vulgar tongue – which is the least vulgar of all just now – your outward shape is especially fitted, to help the lightness of your material, in conquering the power of gravitation. Your chest is very large, and can be much expanded; your head is rather small, and of little substance, but endowed with a mass of curls, which take the wind, like a mop being trundled; your feet are very hollow and receive the air; and the palms of your hands are concave. Above all, your stomach, my dear little friend, or rather your hypogastrium, has a curve, which requires continual attention, in the way of aliment. If neglected, this lends itself at once to inferior pressure. But with all these qualifications, Tommy, you might defy the breezes, if you only had a stable mind, and bones a little more like mine."

The Professor had goodly bones of his own, as behoves a great osteologist; whereas mine are very small, and slight, and it takes some time to find them. But I saw no way to increase their size; and before I could ask, if such there were, Sir Roland came cantering up, and behind him appeared his mother, in a pony-carriage, together with her lovely child, Miss Laura.

"Oh, how we shall miss you!" exclaimed my dear lady – as I was allowed to call her – "Professor Megalow, if I establish my right to the residue of that whale, I shall have it preserved, and a gallery made, in gratitude for all that we have learned from you."

"I heartily hope that you will," he replied, gracefully lifting his velvet cap, as he always did at a compliment; "then there will be some excuse, for me to come down, and have another carve at him."

"Professor," cried Sir Roland, who was always wanting something; "there is one thing that you must do, before you go, for the finishing touch to our gratitude. You must send Tommy up, in this nice quiet reach, without any fellow here to shoot at him; and we'll tie this kite-string to his belt, after we have taken the lead out; to make sure of his not drifting out to sea."

"Tommy, and I, are very warm allies," my great friend answered gravely; "and unless you behave most respectfully to him, I shall tie the kite-string to you, and with her ladyship's permission, send up you."

That was a very fine moment for me, who have been compelled by my peculiar case, to keep such a sharp look-out, what all the people around me are thinking of. In every condition of things, even my best friends have always considered it a nice little piece of excitement, and a pleasure entirely due to them, that I should go up, and encounter all risk, while they remained below, with the heartiest wishes for my safe deliverance.

Sir Roland Towers-Twentifold looked at the Professor, as if to say, at first, "You could not do it, if you tried." The Professor regarded him, with earnest sadness, as much as to say – "Don't make me try; because it might be so bad for you." Then Roly, in doubt and alarm, glanced towards his mother; who had said that he knew no fear. Her eyes were saddened with a gleam of tears, for she had long made up her mind, that the great Professor could do anything permitted by the laws of England. Yet honour, and fine sentiment, forbade her to forbid, that her son should do a thing, which he had urged a friend to do. The wise man enjoyed the situation for a moment; then perceived that it was painful to kind and good friends, and at once relieved them.

"I withdraw my proposal, which was rashly made;" he said to Lady Twentifold, with that wonderful mixture of nod and wink, which had neither nod in it, nor wink, perceptible, and yet conveyed the force of both; "I am truly glad, that I did not give your dauntless son time to accept my offer. Perhaps it would have puzzled me, if he had. Especially as my train will be due in an hour, and the drive to the Station takes forty minutes. Is there any gratitude, in the sons of men? If there be, how little time have I left to express it – and yet the wisest plan; for no length of time would suffice me!"

He lifted her white hand to his lips, in the gallant manner, which became him well; and my dear lady bowed over it, and turned to her carriage, with a little sigh, which conveyed to the ponies – if they understood their mistress – that it was through no default of hers, that they never would be guided by a strong male hand.