The Remarkable History of Sir Thomas Upmore, bart., M.P., formerly known as «Tommy Upmore»

"Don't be nervous, doggy," went on Sir Roland, as if he were talking to an Italian greyhound; "you smell rather doggy; but I don't mind that. If your master goes for a fly every day, and you swim after him, you'll soon be cured."

"Only fancy," I said, as I pulled his tail, that he might not take up with a stranger so; "he had never seen the sea before, any more than I had; but the moment he knew I was in your boat, in he dashed, to come and look after me. And he is not at all a water-dog, as you must know, having such a lot of dogs of your own. He swallowed such a lot of salt water, that he could only gurgle, instead of growling, when the sailors petted him; and I do believe if you had not managed to get hold of his collar, with that long stick, he would have been a drowned dog, the same as I have seen twenty of together, when the wind blows down the reservoir of the Water-company. Oh, how sad it must be, for their Master and Mistress. If Grip was to die, I never should get over it."

"What a soft you are! Why, you are crying now, with Grip all alive to lick your face! Such a chap, as you, would never do at Harrow. We should call you 'Fanny,' instead of Tommy Upmore. Now, don't be offended. You can't expect to be anything but a muff, after going to a private school, you know."

"Bill Chumps is not a muff, and he was there six years. If Bill Chumps heard you talk like that, he'd take you by the back of the neck, and throw you over the top of that bathing-waggon."

"I beg your pardon, Tommy," said Sir Roland, whose nature was truly generous; "it was cowardly of me to talk like that, when you can't help yourself, of course. Every fellow should stick up for his own hole. But what Bill Chumps are you talking about? There can't be very many Bill Chumpses, I should think."

"I should rather think not. There is nobody like him. He is gone to Pope's Eye College now, at Oxford, with a scholarship founded by his own father, for the benefit of all descendants. And they say he gets on wonderfully, though everybody cut him, for a week or so."

"Well, what a wonderful thing!" cried Roly, as he told me immediately that I must call him, unless I wanted to get a flyer; "I was at Oxford, last Commemoration-time, to see my cousin, who went up from Harrow, just at the time when Chumps went up. He is two years older than I am, and a decent kind of fellow in his way, but sadly short of what we call go; though he belongs to a bigger lot than I do. The Earl of Counterpagne is his name, as the song says about somebody. And your Chumps, everybody calls him Bill Chumps, had pulled him out of Sandford Lasher, at the very last moment to save him from croaking. There were other men there, who were ready to go in; but Chumps was first, and though he was not a great swimmer, in he jumped, and pulled him up, when he was all but done for. Bad luck for me, as some people would say; but splendid luck, as I think; for I don't want to go into the House of Lords; and what's the good of your own way, unless you make it?"

"That was just like Bill," I said; "he never stopped to think, unless there was lots of time for it. He means to be a great man, and he will be too."

"That's the sort of fellow, I should like to be. I have often thought of running away from home, and the land, and the money, and all that stuff, and setting up properly on my own account, with two night-gowns, and six day-shirts. Who can give any cuds to a fellow, who starts with a heap of money round his neck? If it were not for my mother, and little Laura, I would have started long ago. Whatever I do, I shall get no credit, because of what those dirty Radicals call my 'enormous social advantages.' By the bye, I do hope you're not a Radical, Tommy."

"I should rather hope not," I said, with grand contempt. "My father is a Conservative; and so am I. Though I don't pretend yet to know so very much about it."

"All the better for that. I will teach you," cried Sir Roland. "I know all about it, ever since I can remember. And when my cousin went to call upon Bill Chumps, as he was bound to do after that, the first thing he saw was a great card stuck in the corner of the glass above his chimney-piece, with a baron of beef, and a haunch of mutton, trimmed with ribbons at the top, and then 'W. Chumps, butcher,' in big letters, and a great lot more about meat below, ending with 'House-lamb, when in season.' My cousin was surprised, but of course he said nothing about it, until he knew Chumps well. And then he asked him why; and Chumps said – 'just to see whether you were a snob, or not.' And now I tell you, Tommy, that my cousin just opens his door, and shows out any swell, who pretends to patronise his friend, Bill Chumps. But Chumps keeps his distance, and does not want them."

"Well, I wonder I never heard anything about it. If butcher Chumps had heard of it, wouldn't he talk?"

"I don't suppose Chumps ever said a word about it. He is just that sort of fellow, as they say. They wanted to get him a medal; but he would not hear of it, at any price. I shall make his acquaintance, when I go up; and I intend to get him into Parliament. And you too, Tommy, as soon as you are old enough. Only you must try to grow a bit. You are to come, and stop at our place, when the Admiral goes back to London."

CHAPTER XII.
TWENTIFOLD TOWERS

Although I had seen the Tower of London, – when our van went to a wharf close by, – and even the new City prison, and several magnificent houses built by brewers, all these were nothing but dirt in my eyes, when they lit upon "Twentifold Towers." This grand building was too long for a far-sighted man to see it all at once, and too high for me to think of flying over it, and the depth that it went to, below the ground, was enough to make one giddy. And the number of servants, and the way they did things, and the little they thought about money, was amazing.

But in spite of all this, I was sad in my heart to stop behind, even in so grand a place, when my father and mother were gone back home. For I thought of all the corners that I knew so well, and the places in the cinders, where the wind blew warm, and the holes where you might roast a big potato, (if you watched the proper time for clinkering,) and the grassy remainders of great green fields, where the lark, after warbling in the sky so long, shut both his wings, and shot down in silence, to run about, and feel the land, where he felt that he had been an egg. And then I thought of several fellows, by no means grand in trousers, or in manners – such as Joe Grimes, the blacksmith's boy, and Charley Turps, son of the carpenter – who could enter into my views, and let me into theirs, without a bit of language wasted, and who had forgiven me by this time, for being what they called a "Latin Tea-kettle;" and of whom, by this time, there could not be one, without a long tale of his own to unfold, and a long one of mine to feel for. Moreover, I am not ashamed to own – for the true shame ought to be upon the other side – that fat Polly Windsor had promised now, for more than five years, to be my bride; and I wanted to amaze her with a true account of the things I saw the girls do down here. And as I thought of all these delights, I did not care twopence to be a great man, if my greatness would rob me of half of them.

But before going further, I am bound to stop, and do justice to a man, who was not so very great – any more than I shall ever be – but that which is tenfold rarer now, a truthful, honest, and courageous man.

It was not the loss of two Sunday hats, which changed my father's politics, but the running away of the man who stole them, without leaving his name in the lining. My father began to look beneath the surface, having taken all he heard on trust, till now; and as soon as he hit upon facts, he found that he must not find fault with this man, for running. For now, he was enabled to perceive that the essence of the Liberal is – to run. To run with the current of opinion first, judging from the froth which way it goes; and to run away from his own principles next, because they are bad, while his conscience still is good; to run, with all speed, from the voice of reason; and above all to put his best foot foremost, in running for his pocket from the enemies of England.

Having set his mind, and heart, against that style of going, my father discovered that his own life grew more honest, and open, in little dealings, from a firmer standard in larger ones. And though he was here, to some extent, with a view to smooth the way for a Government contract, and test the true value of Billy Barlow's tricks; the sterling weight of his principles never fell into the scale of his interests.

"How Tommy may turn out, is more than I can say," he exclaimed, after reading Lady Twentifold's letter, in which she apologised most gracefully, for the liberty she had been tempted to take, in begging them to spare their dear bright boy, for a few days' visit at the Towers, though she had been prevented by absence from calling upon Admiral, and Mrs. Upmore; but her dear son, Roland, who would bring this note, would explain that she had only just been told of their sudden return to London, etc., etc., all most pleasing, and put in the kindest and prettiest way – "whether Tommy will stick to the business," said father, "and make it pay better than his poor governor – as he calls me, when my back is turned – and be able, by the time he is fifty years old, to pay his way into Parliament, and represent the boiling interest, which is abominably treated there – it lies in the doom of the future to bring forth. But after all the years, I have lived in the world, although I have only been on committees, and never more than vice-chairman, I know too well what Statesmen are. If they can fish up, against one another, so much as the passing of a bad penny-piece, when they were at school together, the man at the top of the tree will never hear the last of it. If our Tommy goes on, as his schooling shows, he may happen to be heard of by and by, though there's nothing wonderful about him yet, except these lies about his flying; and none the Rads, if he turns out a Tory, and none of the Tories, if he turns into a Rad, shall ever be able to say of him then, that he started under false colours. Hand me one of my invoice-slips; there are three, or four, over in that pocket-book. I'll be as straight-forward as Bill Chumps was, with the Earl, according to Tommy's tale."

"Oh, what are you going to do?" cried mother; "after all the lecture I gave Tommy, and all I have done on the sands, oh dear! It is flying in the face of Providence."

"The Lord – if you mean Him by 'Providence' – loves the men He has made, to tell the truth; and the women likewise, to the extent of their powers, though not so much insisted on. Sir Roland is gone to the beach with his pony, to wait for your answer, I believe. Tommy shall take it down to him. Read it as you go, my son, and then put it in this envelope."

What I had to read, and deliver, to my affable, yet rather arrogant friend, ran as nearly as may be to this effect:

"Bucephalus Upmore, Son and Successor to the late S. Upmore, of the old-established Boiling and Refining Works, etc., etc.," in large type; and then in good round hand this – "presents his respects to Lady Towers-Twentifold, and begs to thank her, on behalf of self and wife, for your kind invitation to our son, Thomas. The same is a good boy, and well brought up, so far as can be seen to; and his schoolmaster ready to answer for him, and will never do any disgrace to the business, unless he gets into bad company. But from experience of the world, B. U. expects to hear no more from your ladyship, as soon as she knows all about our Tommy. He can't fly, no more than his father can, and he goes from Happystowe by Railway-bus, as soon as all of us has had our dinner, which was a great mistake in coming down, to start with breakfast only. Offering your ladyship all good wishes, from a happy stay here at Happystowe, remain your obedient servant to command, Bucephalus Upmore, of address above."

Now, it went very much against my grain, to deliver this letter to my friend Roly – for my friend I may call him, by this time, after the things we had done, and enjoyed, together. For I had taught him several ingenuities, such as a London boy can show, of clogging the wheels of the bathing-waggons, and pouring a little tar into the shoes left on the beach by paddlers, and other devices even better; so that we had made rare larks together, and he would find it dull without me.

"All up now," I cried, as he came, at full gallop, for his answer; "the governor has done for all my chance of ever going up to your place. Look what he says! And not half of it is true. We are boilers; but we don't make dips like that."

Sir Roland was looking at a bunch of rushlights, very well done, but much older than I was – for night-lights had long superseded them – and he could not help laughing, though he tried severely. And I had talked rather largely about commerce, once or twice, when we got into abstract subjects, as we used, when the last chance of a lark was gone. "He has done it on purpose," I said, "to pull me down. Why, he might have used his new bill-heading, quite like a picture you can look at, with a palm in the middle, and an olive full of oil, and two great cannons made into candlesticks, for his Virgin-honey patent that burns like bees, and land-steam on one side, and sea-steam on the other, to show the extent of his transactions. Tell my dear lady, that wretched old thing came down, I am sure, from my grandfather. Oh, what was mother about, to let him?"

"Admirals are wilful men," replied Sir Roland, seriously regarding that vile bill-head; "and they won't always listen to their wives."

"Did I ever call him an Admiral? Did he ever say he was an Admiral? Did any of us ever tell a single lie, about it?"

"Tommy, my boy, don't be excited," Sir Roland said, as gravely as he could contrive; "I have seen a great deal of the world, though I am young; and of course I was aware, from the very first moment, that you belonged to the commercial classes; which (as I read the other day) are rapidly becoming the mainstay of England, against the wild inrush of anarchy. You know, I told you that, the other night, after we had cut the mooring-ropes of the three machines of the Radical. Very well, if you are in trade, where is the difference between big and little? The retail dealers are the loftier class, because they make less profit. I have thought about these things, for several hours, and I am not misled by what I read. And the conclusion I have come to is just this – that the retail man is of a higher class, in every way, than the wholesale one."

"But," I said, as firmly as I could say it, and proudly repressing all tendency to tears, "we are wholesale, wholesale all over. Even father can't say less than that, when he wants to run down all of us, to keep our ideas from spending."

"Never mind, Tommy, what you are," Sir Roland replied, as he buttoned up his coat; "you may be a gentleman, in any calling, if you don't run other people down. That is the surest sign of a cad; and I've never seen any sign of that, in you. Now, I must be off, like the wind, for home; because I am resolved to come back in time for you. We shall want you, all the more for this, friend Tommy."

"I won't come now, if you ask me;" I called out, as he stuck his legs round his pony; "because I shall know, you are thinking about the dips."

"Keep out your things from the rest, and have them ready. The Station-bus goes at two o'clock. I shall come with a light trap, at half-past one; and nobody will ask you about coming."

By this he meant, that I should have to come nolens volens, as we said at school; but having more faith in my father's knowledge of the world, I did not expect it. However, with mother's consent, my clothes and books were packed in my own little box, while father laughed, and said, "Please yourselves; so long as they go safe to Maiden Lane." But soon he was obliged to confess his mistake, and let mother triumph over him. For while the bus was standing at the door, and our luggage was going down heavily, and my father, in the window, was taking his last look at a great ship in the distance, a quick light sound of wheels came up the staircase; and running out that way, I saw a horse with his forehead pulled up right against the forehead of the bus-horse, as if they were playing at "conquerors." The new horse was beautiful, and full of pride; and the bus-horse looked at him, with mild reproach, between his shabby blinkers, as if he were saying – "Wait till you grow old, and you won't come flustering a poor horse-brother, with your dash, and frippery, and self-conceit."

"This for you, ma'am!" cried the Boots to my mother, running up as if he had no breath left, from the labour and peril of our boxes, "and young Master Roland, ma'am, – please, ma'am, his compliments, and he is waiting for Master Tommy, ma'am."

"Most polite, and most kind of her ladyship indeed! Bucephalus, what do you say to that? Which of us understands good society best; if you please, my dear, if you please to answer me? What did I tell you, on Monday week, Tommy, about what had been in my family? It requires that kind of preparation, to understand these things, my dear. But he can't go, with less than a guinea in his pocket. Pull out, Mr. Upmore."

My father was obliged to do all that, except that he took five per cent., as the style of the age is, from the beauty of the guinea; and dear mother, (bearing a tear of pride in one eye, and a bigger one of sorrow in the other) went to the bag that her purse was locked in, and got out half a sovereign, and looked at it.

"Don't change it, Tommy," she said, "until you don't know at all how to help it. You are going to be with great people, my pet, and you will have to do things handsomely. But they won't expect a little boy, like you, to stand treat, or tip the maids, or anything of that sort; and if you bring this back to me, you shall have it all to go to school with."

Thus, with more money than I ever had before, or ever could have dreamed of owning, I sat by the side of Sir Roland Towers-Twentifold, and watched him drive his horse, which he did, as he did everything, with the greatest vigour, and capacity. We seemed to go as fast as I could fly – with science, and a strong breeze after me – and Grip had to use all his legs to keep up; and I looked back sadly at the poor old bus, with father, and his German pipe, upon the box, and mother with her handkerchief waving from the window; and Roly would not stop, for me to say another word to them.

Now, I need not have told all this, except for the mean charge brought against me, that I got into Twentifold Towers, and thence into public life, by trickery, by false pretences, and imposture on the part of all of us, having conspired among strangers to present my father as an Admiral – "The Admiral of the Fleet-ditch" those unprincipled jokers have dared to call him, because the old Fleet-stream comes down our valley. Possibly, if the general public (and especially the Inn) at Happystowe had not endowed my father with that Naval rank, and therein confirmed him (in spite of all protest), I might not have got my first invitation, which he cast away like a true Briton. But I leave the world at large, to judge the merits; for I have always found it waste of time to reason with malicious persons.

Have I patience to think of such small fry, when I speak of the greatness of everything at Twentifold Towers, and for miles around? Not a cold, rigid, and stuck-up greatness, such as you must fold your arms to look at, and thank the Lord, in private, that you are not like it; but a warmth of beauty and of kindness shed abroad, which set me on the flutter, when I came to feel it; though my mother had provided me with fifteen pounds of lead, in the hollow at the bottom of my chest. But, at first I was frightened, as you may suppose, and kept asking myself what good would be my best clothes, even to play in, at such a place? Then Lady Twentifold came out, and kissed me, and looked at the tears in my eyes with love – because she had lost a little boy like me – and my heart went to her, so that I saw nothing of the height or size of anything, so long as I could see her, and think about her, and feel how good she was to me.

"You will see a great friend, by and by," she said. "What a distinguished boy you are, to have formed such lofty friendships! And chiefly because of your bodily gift of weighing less than you ought to weigh. Why, a boy, with the mind of a Shakespeare to come, might pour forth poem after poem, and nobody care to inquire into him. Even Professor Megalow, universal as he is, might never even chance to hear of him."

"Oh, is it Professor Megalow?" I asked, with glad excitement. "I am not afraid of any place, when I know that he is near it."

"Ariel, how unkind of you! If we ill-treat you, spread your wings. But I have not even seen your great friend yet. He will not be here, till dinner-time. He is carving, what he cares for more than anything we can offer – a poor dead whale at Crowton Naze."

Now, behold the reward of virtue – for in the present state of this wicked world, it may be taken as a high reward to escape the pains of punishment! If I had gone, as an Admiral's son, to Twentifold Towers, how should I have looked, when Professor Megalow, knowing all about us, and having smelled our works afar – which probably helped to draw him towards us, for congenial nutriment – now came up, with that large sweet smile, which spreads all over his face and body, and said, "My dear little friend, how are you?"

This was the first time I ever beheld him in evening dress, and he astonished me; because a very old hat had always been part of his equipment. He may have contrived to leave it somewhere, for he cannot have come with a good one. Neither was that the only thing in his present appearance amazing; for he had put himself into a black velvet coat, as the smartest thing he could find in his trunk; and grand, I can tell you, he looked in it. From daybreak until he had to go and wash, he had been at work at that great whale, not only directing a mob of clod-hoppers, how to hop about upon a whale, but also, with his own iron arms, performing all work that called for skill and strength. And yet, there was no sign of work about him; neither any talk, or thought of work; and he would not be made (though Lady Twentifold tried her best to make him, and so did Sir Roland with downright "fishers" – as we used to call tapping a master at school, to do a hard sentence for us), by no manner of means could he be brought to speak, as if he wanted to be listened to.

This was the very thing that I had known, ever since he first came, with the other four Professors. Of them there was not one that would leave off talking, for the sake of the public, or of one another, or even for his own sake; neither would they breathe enough, to let another voice in; but the measure of every man's mind was his lungs. And to countervail this, it has been laid down by nature, that the men who have something to say don't say it.

But, though this Professor, in his leisure time, would play round the edge of his learning, rather than plunge other people into it; it was quite impossible for even me (a careless, and light-headed boy) to be with him, without learning something. And my firm belief is, that although I know very little, at this time of writing, whatever I have learned of larger things than little human creatures, was gained upon that whale, where the great mind came to study the great body.