The Remarkable History of Sir Thomas Upmore, bart., M.P., formerly known as «Tommy Upmore»

CHAPTER XXIV.

OLD BONES, AND YOUNG ONES

So much was I vexed at this idea, that Sir Roland Towers-Twentifold valued me, only as a flying puppet, a machine to be started from a spiral spring, or a little boy's coloured balloon, that I assure you, although I was on a bed soft as a dew-cloud – for we did not lie upon cast-iron yet – scarcely a wink of sleep came near me, without being scattered into a fire-wheel of dreams. If it appeared to me a small thing – as it did in modest moments – that I should be brought from London, like a tailor to take orders, or a fellow to exhibit Punch, and Judy – yet how could I reconcile it with the fitness of things, that Professor Megalow should be tempted, with the very biggest dragon for his bait, to come down, upon the really ignoble errand of flipping me up, like a pith-ball of elder, between the plates positive and negative.

At first I thought of consulting him, as to what I should do in the morning; for who else could advise me, so kindly, or so well? But I saw that his counsel was not to be had, without a disclosure of everything; and I had no right to tell him of his own "mission" here. So that on the whole, I was compelled to act, (as I nearly always find to be the case with me) by the dim light only of my own perceptions. "I have no right to make any scene," I thought; "neither is it possible for me to leave abruptly, without giving reason; Lady Twentifold has been most wonderfully kind to me, ever since she first saw me; and she can have no paltry political motive, such as this one-idea'd Roland has. And then there is beautiful Laura, sweet Laura – I suppose I ought to call her Miss Twentifold, but consider the years I have known her – there never has been anybody like her, since the days of Paradise, and how dreadfully rude I should appear to her! Of course, I must never think of her at all, any more than I might of the pole-star. Still, I should like her to think of me, if she ever deigns to do it, with all kindness and good-will. Ah, ha! Lack is the luck! I am a most unhappy fellow. My mother said once, that I had no right to be born; and who should know so well as she?"

But before I had quite finished "doing my hair" – as the ladies express it, and mine very often took almost as long as a lady's to do, because of there being so much of it, – Sir Roland came thumping my dressing-room door, and with his usual impetuosity, rushed in.

"Tommy, shake hands, like a man," he exclaimed, "or I'll pull all your hair out of trim again. You cut up, as rough as a clinker, last night; the first time I ever saw you out of temper. However, a new hope sprang up in my breast. Do you know what you did, as you went along the passage?"

"No. I remember nothing, except that I said to myself – 'I am not a machine, and I won't be treated as a machine. If he only wants me as a Jack in the box – '"

"A Tommy in the box, you mean. No, no. You must lay aside all those small ideas. It is not I that want you, it is your Country, your noble, but outraged Fatherland. Those are the sentiments that should exalt you, instead of petty wrath against your ancient friend. But I see a new provision in the laws of gravitation – which Panclast will bring in a bill to abolish, before we are very much older. In your anger, you tried to stride loftily, as behoves the most illustrious of all coxswains; but instead of so doing, you never touched the ground! You flitted, without any coarse agency of legs; like the ghost of Achilles, at the great deeds of his son."

"Well, I thought there was something unusual about it," I answered, without any heroism; "but my mind was so occupied with its wrongs, that I never noticed how I walked."

"That is another most excellent sign. Temporary absence of perception. The main point will be, to enlarge the indignation – to ennoble it, to make it national, instead of individual. Your course of reading at Oxford – even though you read nothing there at all, except novels – has produced, in your system, a fundamental change. In your early days, exhilaration carried you over the heads of the public. You have seen too much of the world by this time, to be exhilarated any more. Joy can no more elevate you; and Nature (rejoicing as she does in exceptions) has found a fresh way, to keep you in the list. But a perilous turn of the balance for you, I am sadly afraid, dear Tommy. Joy is not frequent, even in the days of boyhood. But indignation – oh, Tommy, Tommy, what a lot of lead pipe you must carry round you, if you once become liable to leave the earth, every time you see wrong being done upon it!"

"Clear out," said I; "I want to finish dressing, and not to be plagued with immoral reflections. If you want to spare me all that lead pipe, regulate your own conduct first, by the lofty standard you want to bring me up to. That little business about Toggins, for instance, might force me to put on a pound or two; though a lily-white act, in comparison with the things you do at election-time."

To enter into that matter did not suit him, while in his present fine vein of morality; so that he only made a face – being still a boy, as much as I was – then he pulled in his tongue, and tapped his lips, and said,

"Not a word about that, to the Professor, mind. I have boasted to him, about the purity of everything; and he has promised to come and be gratified. And gratified he shall be, by everything that is noble. Now look alive! I shall have a busy day to-day. I mean to go canvassing, though of course I need not do it. But I am sure, that the women would be angry, if I didn't; and with this clash of changes coming, it is not only wise, but necessary, to keep them on our side, as they are by nature. If nothing else showed the Conservative cause to be the true one, it would be enough that the women always take to it."

With this, which moved me a great deal more than the rest of his arguments put together, he set off to shave himself, which he insisted upon doing, now and then, with a competent eye to the future. And no sooner was he gone, than I set to, to get everything about me into the proper place, that I might not be taken, at breakfast-time, for a young man at all of a Radical turn.

This made me late, though I had got up very early; earlier than any other of the party, except Professor Megalow; and when I came in, he was describing, with his usual clearness and quietness, the object of his labours.

"It is still

in situ

, in the composite bed, none of which is of hard material; and indeed it would be easier to extricate it perfect, if the matrix were more consistent. We shall want a very careful hand to-day; and at the same time, light feet under it. Unhappily, I am a little above the proper scientific stature; neither can I any longer claim the flexibility of my earlier days. Unless I can secure a very able coadjutor, such as I once had the good luck to obtain, there will be great risk of injuring one of the finest specimens of the noble Deino-Saurians, I have ever had the fortune to behold. Let me try to describe to you the exact position, which makes the extraction so difficult."

This he did so well, that I could see the place; though without any idea of the treasure it contained. He asked if he might take some dry toast, and with it built up a rough resemblance of the cliff, and excavation; then he lodged, in the back of the hole, three joints of a prawn, to represent the relics of the monster, and shored up the crumbling of the toast, with a stump of lead-pencil, and some sprigs of parsley.

"The position is rather precarious, you perceive," he said to Lady Twentifold, and her daughter, who watched his frail structure with great interest; "and of the people you sent most kindly, to help me yesterday morning, intelligent as they were, and very obliging, there is not one who goes into this bower, without some trembling, and a superstitious awe. They are not so much afraid of the cliff falling on them, as of the outrage they fancy they are doing, to some unknown gigantic power. 'Could he eat me, sir, if he come to life again?' the bravest and biggest of them asked me; one of your under-keepers, I believe. 'Certainly he could, if he were carnivorous,' I was obliged to answer; and that last word frightened them, beyond all former fear. Now, I could extract this grand relic by myself, for I am not beneath average human strength, if I ventured to make more headway; but you see that in brittle material, such as this, I am afraid that the whole might fall suddenly, and perhaps destroy the beauty of the specimen. And even without that, I want another hand, most sadly; it need not be a very strong one, for I would bear the weight of this – the heavier end; but it must be a hand that does not shake, as I am sure the bold gamekeeper's would."

"Why, I will come, and help you with the greatest pleasure," exclaimed Sir Roland, "and obey every whisper. My canvass at Twentibury will do to-morrow. This is of infinitely more importance."

"It is most kind of an eager politician," the Professor answered, with a grateful smile, "to show such preference for the bygone world. But alas! my dear friend, you are much too tall. There is no room for you, at that end of the cave."

"Then, Professor Megalow, may I go with you?" Miss Twentifold asked, with her lovely eyes sparkling. "I am not very strong; but my hand is steady, and I should enjoy it so. Dear mother, say that I may go and help. I would put on my shrimping-dress, and a thick cloak."

I could not help looking at her with alarm; while I did not yet like to out-bid her for her wish. Lady Twentifold glanced at her with pride, but serious misgivings about the risk. And the Professor firmly answered "No!"

Being thus relieved, I was only too glad to offer my services, which were at once accepted.

"Tommy is the lad cut out, by nature, for this very operation," the Professor said kindly, as he took my hand, which was hardened by long use of the rudder-lines; "he is a model of strength, so far as light weight permits; and his lightness of touch has long been proved. If I had my pick of the young men of England; for a job like this, I should choose our Tommy."

"But I may come, and see it, without being in the way. I am sure Mamma will let me do that," cried Laura; "and the Professor cannot be hardhearted, if he tries. And I particularly want to go to Happystowe to-day."

"If you will be burdened with her, she may go," Lady Twentifold said to her visitor; "and I should like to join you in the afternoon, or meet you perhaps upon your way back; for I must be at home, till two o'clock."

Things were soon ready, and we three set off, in a light waggonette, for Happystowe; and but for one thing, it would have been hard to say, which of the three was the happiest. The Professor, with his bag of sacred tools, was glowing with the prospect of a mighty prize, in his special field of glory, and the tangible proof of his own inductions, published in a treatise ten years ago. His fair companion was beaming with the brightness of her own youth and beauty, and the joy of the air, and of a day among the rocks, with her sketch-block and her shrimping-net. But I, by reason of that one thing, I was happier than three times three, or nine times nine of all their happiness. A fig for the science, and the old dry bones, the traces of the lubbers that deformed the earth – for they were too big only to disfigure it – till beauty was created, to make them die of shame. And a fig even for the blue sky, and gray sea, and brown rocks standing up to be painted; if only I might watch Laura's face – without any token of doing so – catch the glint of a smile that began far away, and sometimes receive to the home of my heart a gaze of good-will, all intended for me.

I would gladly have dwelt in that happy waggonette, till all the old dragons came to look for their bones, with Laura sitting by my side and laughing, and often saying very simple things, and the Professor opposite, to balance us, enjoying (as he always did) the company of the young, and nodding in his humorous way, for me to explain to this young lady some of his less recondite terms, as if I were an acolyte, at least, of science. He did it on purpose, I am very well assured; because he perceived the condition of my heart, and desired to promote it by the action of the mind. Being steadfastly Liberal, and taking a very large view of genealogy, he discovered no unfitness of things whatever, in my tendency to a deep tenderness, towards a member of the race so far above me.

But that most delicious drive was gone in no time, as everything delicious is. We put up, of course, at the "

Twentifold Arms

," where several of the maids remembered me, and Mrs. Roaker was most generous. And it seemed to me one of the most delightful traits in the character of Professor Megalow, that he should be so wholly wrapped up in his tools, as to make it my duty to hand Miss Twentifold, down the three steps of that fortunate carriage. She never said – "Oh no, thank you; I have my bag to hold; and I can get down very well," as girls do generally, whom it is a very small privilege to help down. But she gave me her beautiful hand, with her beautiful foot on the step, and her beautiful eyes for a moment met mine; so that altogether I was quite overpowered with the sense of beauty, and – which is yet greater in the end – of goodness.

The Professor's face wore a truly scientific air, as he noticed these things, for nothing ever really escaped him; and he rubbed his nose gently, as he gazed at the far offing, as if he had descried there a palæozoic ship.

CHAPTER XXV.

ON THE ROCKS

Few and far apart the days are, such as came out of the heaven just then, when the stoutest Briton, and his wife, can find no hole ready-made, or to be well picked, in the weather. And what is the good of the finest weather to him, if he employs it in picking holes in his friends, or his enemies, or even in himself? But any one, who loves large ways and thoughts, or even little ways, when they are good-natured, might have looked with true pleasure, at the Professor for the first, and at Laura and me, for the latter enjoyment.

Professor Megalow heartily enjoyed the company of young people, and old hats; and to-day, he had put his great head into a hat, with very good reason to assign for it, of fine archæological interest. And even if things had been as adverse with me, as they were for the moment prosperous, no moderate misery could have held its own, against the influx of his geniality. He marched on before us, to the haven of his hopes, with a long forked tool upon his shoulder, and a bag of learned organs in the other hand, and he never turned round, unless we called upon him; which proved the perfection of scientific insight.

"Oh, how I should like to be like him!" said Laura; "but I never can carry a long name long. I learn to pronounce them, and to try to know their meaning; and then the next day, I am as wise as ever. Nearly all the young ladies now are so scientific. As one of the books says, it is such a manifold addition to their interests."

"Not to the interest felt in them;" I answered, though afraid of my own words. "It makes them so conceited, and so full of their own ideas. And they talk, as if they knew everything, with the little bits they pick up from books. That is not the way great men get on. They get on, by their own observations, and experiments, and by putting this and that together; and so they make great discoveries. And when they have done it, they are always humble, because of the quantity they can't find out. Look at our dear friend there! Does he ever pretend to know anything at all? Does he ever lay down the law about anything? Even upon subjects, he understands more thoroughly than any other man yet born, he speaks (when he does speak at all) with more doubt, and diffidence, and humility, than a school-girl does, who knows nothing about it, except from one of his own books. The smaller the mind, the more positive it is."

"Then ladies ought to be very positive – at least I mean most of them, like me. But how slowly we are walking! The Professor will think, that we have no zeal for his bones at all. Whereas I fully mean to go in, and help."

"I hope you won't think of doing that," I answered, as we turned the corner, and could see the excavation; "unluckily, you were not entrusted to me, or I should forbid it most decidedly. It looks rather dangerous, and is sure to be very dirty; and what good can you do in there?"

"What good can I do anywhere, if it comes to that? I came here, to see everything, and I mean to do it, unless the Professor forbids it, and he would not have let me come, if he intended that. Let us go and ask him. No, he is too busy!"

His attention was wholly engaged, as we saw, and he was speaking earnestly to the man, who had been left in charge of the place, last evening.

"You see no difference," he said; "I do, and a very considerable difference, Barnes. There has been no rain in the night, and no groundswell to produce any vibration. Your shores are all standing, it is true, but not quite as they stood yesterday. We must have three hours more of work in there, before I have exhausted the

situs

; and I would not allow any man to come in with me now. Tommy, keep away, and take Miss Twentifold. I shall have to collect all my forces, and shore up afresh, before I dare use a tool. The cliff is quite low, but too high to be safe; and there is a public footpath along the top. The tide is going out; in half an hour, you might get some good shrimping round the point. Allow me to commend that pursuit to you, for the next two or three hours."

"You are going in and out, yourself," I said, though I took good care to lead Miss Twentifold away; "as if there were no sign of danger whatever. But if we should do more harm than good, the best plan would be to go shrimping, as you say. But how shall we know, sir, when you are ready for us, – or at least for me, of course, I mean? Lady Twentifold will be down, perhaps, about three o'clock."

"When all is made safe, and I want your good hand," the Professor answered, with a look at me, and a wave of his faithful old hat to the lady, (which said – for all his hats said something – "I like you very much, but I don't want you now") "you will see, my dear friends, this conspicuous example of the industry of the Orient, waving on that pole."

He pulled from his hat a large yellow silk handkerchief, spotted with white, and shook it at us, as a flag-signal to be off.

"Now, what shall we do? Shall we obey orders, or is there anything you would like better? Perhaps you are afraid of the rocks, and the sea-weed, and the way the waves come running up the hollow places."

I said this, on purpose to stimulate her; perceiving the very fine spirit she had, which the colour in her cheeks was enough to prove. All I was afraid of was, that she might doubt the propriety of going round the point with me.

But she was too simple and good, to do that. She thought not of harm, any more than she had done it; and the only expression in her eyes was pleasure.

"Where have you put the nets?" she asked; "you shall have Roly's, and I will have my own."

Now, if there had been in my nature yet any lingering of the old tendency to rise into the air, through exultation, could anything have baulked it of its operation now? Within a mere mile of the spot, still shown as the scene of my early exploit, with the weather set fair, and the wind the right way, and with beauty at my side, a millionfold more enchanting than any first view of the sea – what was the reason that I did not fly?

Let Professor Brachipod explain that, if he can; and there is nothing that he will not explain most ably, whether he is able, or whether he is not. Some great change had "permeated my organisation" – as they call it, as if I were full of pipes – which made me cleave rather to the earth (in periods of exuberant happiness) than soar to the sky, to complete it there. Perhaps when I grow old, I shall become less earthy, and again seek my happiness by going upward; but nothing now sets me on the springs of my system, except the most expansive and elevating indignation.

And to put aside that, and all questions whatever of the motives for this, or the reasons against that, would manners (any more than common sense, and sound judgment) have allowed me to fly away from lovely Laura? So long as I had her at my side, what else in the earth, or the air, or the sky, could I desire?

No one has noticed – to the best of my knowledge – what a comfort there is, in the pattering of feet, when they keep time, and answer well to one another. Not as a single pair, I mean, each coming after the other with a gap; but as a pair of a pair-going feet, toe and heel exactly to one another, with no more space crosswise between them, than the other foot requires to come up, and fill the gap. And when this is done upon a firm gray sand, with just enough spring to make it beautiful to walk, and just enough yield to take a light impression, how can the most scientific human body, with a fair human body at the side of it, continue to lament that it is not quadruped?

When we came to the rocks, it was even better. For here, there was such a fine slippery spread of the carpet of the sea, and so many green fringes, covering traps where a little foot might sink, and perhaps get sprained, or at any rate get soaked, that at every few yards there was need of a hand, or sometimes of two, for discretion of step. And at every such aid, there was a smile to pay; not to mention the downcast of eyes sometimes, and sometimes their uplifting with a soft, sweet light, and the fluttering of lashes in the fresh wind from the sea, and the murmuring of lips, more pink and melodious than any clear Pacific shell. And when the brisk freedom of the salt air shed the dark clusters of her hair, upon her face and neck, veiling the gentle blush and the shy damask, my very best manners, and most deep responsibility, struggled in vain to prevent me from saying – "You are the very image of a beautiful moss-rose."

She was not at all offended, but looked calmly at me; and answered, to my horror – "What a beautiful idea! I shall tell Mamma, that you said that."

"Oh, please don't do anything of the sort," I exclaimed; "she would be sure, – or at least she might – I cannot exactly make you understand. But she might not be altogether pleased, you know."

"Well, I don't see why. She is very fond of poetry. But if she would not like it, you should not have said it. But don't be so distressed. I will promise not to tell her; because I am sure that you meant no harm. Oh, here is my first shrimping-pool!"

"I will sooner bite my tongue out," thought I to myself, as in humble confusion I unbound the nets – "than utter another syllable of admiration. What a fool I am! But who could help it?"

This put me on my very best behaviour, for a while; and even when she slipped upon an oozy slab, and nearly fell into a pool a foot deep, I did not hold her up, any more than I could help. And after that, being under orders not to use my net (which I began with, upside down) until I knew something about it; but rather to watch how she managed, and to learn to do the like, – not an inch of advantage did I try to take, but with scrupulous honour held my net betwixt us, and smiled as if my face was as stiff as were my hands.

"I am afraid you don't enjoy this work;" she said.

"I am afraid of enjoying it too much;" said I.

And that made her laugh; for she had not the least idea of the darkness of my meaning.

"Now, you may fish upon your own account," she told me; "you see how you must draw the net along beneath the ledges, with the hinder part of the rim kept higher, to brush the rock so that they can't get back over it; and go well in under all the fringes of the weeds; and then up with the other rim, and fetch it out briskly. Now, you fish a little; while I look on, and applaud you, if honesty and facts permit. You shall have this large pool all to yourself, and it is the best among all the rocks. And you can manage Roly's net, which is half again the size of mine, you see. Now, I particularly want two dozen prawns, and they are not at all plentiful on this coast. I have only got seven yet, with all these shrimps. But everybody says that you are so lucky; and I shall believe it, if you catch one prawn; they are much quicker to get away than shrimps, and so it requires more skill to catch them. Well, I declare! You have got at least a dozen. I never saw so many in one haul before. Let me take them out, or they will be sure to jump away from you. Oh, what a very spiteful creature!"

A very large prawn, with no sense of the beautiful – at least as existing in the race that boils him – had rasped her most exquisite forefinger (which looked in the water as pellucid as himself) with the vile long crock-saw, which he carried on his head. And what made it the more meritorious on her part, she held fast to him still, and dropped him into the bag.

"How wonderfully brave you are!" I cried; "it is bleeding, two or three large drops. Put it into your mouth, and suck out the poison. Oh, how I should like to do it for you! Don't be so intrepid! You never can tell. He may have been living with a water-snake. I could tell you such stories, if it would stop bleeding. Let me tear up my handkerchief, and bind it."

"No, it is nothing at all; and if they were poisonous, how should we eat them? I split a piece of popweed, and put it on like a thimble, and that stops the bleeding immediately. It is not the first time they have given me a rasp. My dear mother likes me to wear gloves, whenever I go shrimping; but I always pull them off. I like to feel things, with my own hands. There, what a fuss about nothing! Now go on. How wonderfully fortune favours you! I have heard it so often, and now I can see it. Try that corner, there is always something there. Roly caught a fine silver mullet there, last summer; and I caught a little fish, we didn't knew the name of."

"Let me try to smile nicely," I said to myself; "I always get the best luck when I smile. Cause and effect are always hugging one another. To doubt one's luck, is to doubt it nearly always. I want to impress her with my good luck, for what impression is more favourable? Faint heart never won fairy prawns. That corner looks full of miraculous draught."

"Oh, please to let go – let go, Miss Twentifold! He may pull me in, but he mustn't pull in you."

For seeing me engaged with a mighty adversary, my lovely companion rushed forward, and put fair hands on the pole of the net, because my light figure was thrown off its balance, by an unexpected weight and force.

"Whatever it is, you shall have all the glory," she answered, as she obeyed me; "only I was afraid you were tumbling in."

"So I will, if it is needful. I don't mean to let him go," I exclaimed, as I set my heels firmly in a ledge. "Here he comes! What in the world have we caught?"

"A giant of a lobster, a perfect giant!" She was clapping her hands, with delight, as she said it. "Oh, I never beheld such a monster in my life! And there never was any one, with luck like yours. There, anybody else would have lost him but you."

"I don't mean to lose him, if he murders me," I shouted, as I swung him out mightily, and laid hold of him; "oh, he has laid hold of me, in the most inhuman manner! Whatever shall