XL.
JOSH BILLINGS AND THE LEKTUR COMMITTY
Letters which pass from great men to great men are often wise to owlishness, and so successfully discursive as to treat beautifully upon everything but the point at "issoo."
Salt Point, Feb. 0th, 1867.
J. Billings, Esqr.:
I am instructed by our association to inquire ov you, and solicit a reply, if you could read a discourse before our lyceum this winter, and if so, at what time, on what subject, and upon what terms.
Most respectfully yours,Ezra Smith, Cor. Sec'y.
Pokipsy, Feb. 12th, 1867.
Smith, mi Dear:
This day, at 10 o'clock A.M., I cum in contact with your letter, and was real glad tew hear from yu. How do you like being Cor. Sek. ov a Ly-Associ'? It is a light, pretty bizziness, and don't require much capital.
Let me ask you if you are any relashun to Jake Smith, the hatter. If yu are, forgit it, for Jake is a common cuss.
The Smiths are a good family, and prevail more permiskus, than enny kind ov folks that i kno ov, but it would be unnatral in the highest if thare want sum, whare they was so thick, that was wuss than the rest.
Did yu ever read history, Ezra? If yu didn't yu will be serprised teu hear that John Smith married Pokerhontas, the dauter ov Powhattan, the injun boss.
The way this happened was so: Smith was about gitting slewed, when Pokerhontas went in, and fell flat on him. Old Powhattan giv it up, and Pokerhontas had Smith, and Smith settled down and went into the injin bizzness, in a small way, on his own hook.
This is the grist ov the story.
Tis one ov the most affektingest transactions on file.
Yu ought teu read history, Ezra; it will learn yu informashun, and give you a knolledge ov edukashun.
I forgot tew state, that John Smith lived somwhare in pensylvany, at the time his transakshun with Pokerhontas took place, and if he aint dead probably lives there now. Thare is one fust rate thing about history: it is alwus true; if it aint true, it aint history, so if yu larn it onst, yu never have tew unharness.
But most poetri, and piktorials, and novels, lie wuss than an east wind; the fuller a man gits ov them over night, the more room thare iz in him the next day, for sum more.
John Smith, who had the transaction with Pokerhontas, had an immense invoice ov boys; thare is 13 ov that name in our town this morning, besides several who hav either died or gone to Denver Citty.
Did it ever strike yu, Ezra, that death was one ov the most remarkable things that could happen tew a man?
A man may be ritch, and kno history just like slapjacks for breakfast, and be handsum, able tew lift a ton without thinking, but death beats awl these just as easy as biting crackers.
Death seems tew be as far as a man can git; when a man aquires that thoroughly, his ambishun seems tew be satisfied.
One man can be ritcher, and lift more than another, but he kant be enny more deader.
I am glad thare is one thing in this world, that is enuff for man.
Speaking ov man, Ezra, dew yu konsider him a suckcess yet, or has he got tew try again?
History has a good deal tew say about man, that don't allude tew his suckcess.
Adew, Ezra,
Yures, full ov oats,Josh Billings.
XLI.
ORPHAN CHILDREN
Notoriety is the short glory a man gits, for doin what he ought to be ashamed ov.
God only knows how much merit wanders thro this life, sekurely hid bi rays ov poverty; nor how much crime insolently wears the golden armor ov wealth.
I think thare is jest as much virtue in the world as thare is vise, only it haint been bored for so mutch.
A grate menny ov opinyuns, advanced bi the uncommon learned men now-a-days, may be properly defined as dissolving views.
It is strange, and it is melankolly true, that those men who spend their time and talents in makin us happier, never gain mutch ov our respekt.
Thare is a grate menny people who kno jist enuff tew make a smudge, but don't kno jist enuff tew clear it away.
I don't know ov a more keen sarcasm, than a learned man listening attentively tew a fool.
The grate merit thare is in modesty, lies in the modesty thare is in merit.
Thare is 2 kinds ov hypokrasy: one tries tew appear better than it is, and the other wuss than it is – one is a wolf in sheep's clothin, and tother is a sheep in wolf's clothing.
The hight an depth ov human wisdum, is tew kno oneself; but the human heart kan never be known, only by the God who made it.
I never hear a robin on the hiest lim he kan git, pouring out his evening praise, but I am certain, that someboddy in Heaven is listenin.
About the most originality that enny writer kan hope tew arrive at honestly, now-a-days, is tew steal with good judgment.
I was once asked bi a talkin cuss, "which i thought was really the mostess happyness, the married or the single?" i sed tew him that in many cases it was like trieing tew winter on injun meal or buckwheat flour; before he had got half way thru, he would wish he had tried the other. i don't kno whether he took my advise or not.
In a match game (where both parties are marryin for money) aul side bets are konsidered off – George Wilkes told me so.
Poetry is as natral a disease tew the human family, as the winde kolick, and in most cases what will cure one, will cure the other.
How menny people thare are in this world who spend aul their lives in a hole, and always back into that.
The best way tew keep a secret, is tew forget it.
I never knew a coward who was afraid tew lie.
It is a curius fact that most everyboddy komplains ov their misfortunes, and yet, thare ain't ennyboddy who has got the itch, or salt rume bad, but what thinks his kind ov itch is a better kind than his nabor's.
Kompliments are like the frosting put on the top ov a cake, only intended for ornament.
If a man has got 375 thousand dollars, and is contented, he is happy – "jess so."
I don't serpose thare is enny sich thing as "time," – time is a mere parasite ov Eternity.
XLII.
BILLINGS REPLIZE TEU CORRESPONDENTS
"Mary Ann." – Your letter wuz duly received. I hasten teu reply. Waterfalls are a ketching disseaze, but not fatal. They fust appear on the back ov the hed, about the size ov a small geese's eggs, and gro az big az a wasp's nest, and then they are ripe. They are kep in a pudding bag, and fatted on black hoss hair. It is not considered enny misfortune teu have this dizzease, unlest yu hav it small. If yu hav escaped the dizzease thus far, I wouldn't contract it now; for thare will be a new one ov some kind around in a fu days, that yu may like better. In the mean time prepare yourself for the worst, for the Lord only knows what will come next.
"Harrold." – It will be impossible for me to give you a never-failing recipee, how tew secure the affekshunes ov the opposite sex. – Grate perseverance iz necessary, az yu are aware that young ladiz are highly opposed to the married state. They are like their mothers in this respeck. I would advise yu tew read the "Pilgrim's Progress." It will sustane yu under yure trials. If yu kan spare enny time, i would advise yu tew be very polite tew the young ladiz mother; thare iz nothing more powerful; it is an evidence ov more good breeding, and it carrys the mother kind ov back to the days when she had to suffer in the same cruel way. After fighting the good fight for 6 or 7 years, you diskiver that yure sweetheart is tew be married to another feller; you will ov course secure an invitashun to the affair as pall bearer. This will pay you fur the menny trieing seens you hav passed thru, and will also fit yu fur the next deadly struggle. But if yu succeed in getting the objeckt ov your affecshun; yu wil ov course be the only happy man in the world; this iz the way it alwus effeckts folks.
"Unkle David." – Got yure letter thru the intercession ov the post office. Glad tew hear from you. Sorry tew hear that Aunt Sally has got the biles: tell her to poultice them well – and trust in the Lord. Sorry tew hear that Cousin Heber haz failed in bizziness; tell him tew play smart – and trust in the Lord. Glad tew hear that Joe Osborne haz drawn a prize in the lottery; tell him tew try it again – and trust in the Lord. Sorry tew hear that Uncle Peter sold hiz corn for only 2 dollars a bushel; tell him tew hang onto it next time – and trust in the Lord.
"Petroleum." – I hav looked into the ile boring with grate anxiety, and have satisfied miself that it is a good bore. If you git enny thing in this world worth having, you have tew bore for it without mercy. Az a general thing, the bigger the augur iz, the bigger the hole, unless you bore into a mill pond. Menny people are satisfied in doing a gimblet bizziness, and this shows good judgment. Yu never see a smart and well to do squirrel that wants tew reside in a woodchuck's hole. Animals are more sensible than humans; they don't bild a house they kant fill. I am not at liberty tew tell yu what i dew think about iles giving out, but i advise yu to bore at onst and keep at it, and if you don't strike grease, you will have the satisfaction ov knowing that yu hav made a hole. I am not half so anxious tew kno how much ile men are a gitting, az i am tew kno that everybody iz a boring. Mi advise has alwus bin, don't bore for enny ile – "stock."
XLIII.
CHIPS FROM THE BUTT CUT OV WISDUM
Just about in proportion that a woman bekums famous away from home, she haz dun suthin she hadn't oughter.
I don't think it will pay enny man tew be poor jist for the sake ov being a philosopher.
The sharpest men hav the fewest ideas, but, like the sun-glass, they kan focus them quick, and the consequentz is, sumboddy gits burnt.
Them hosses who ackt just az though they waz agoin to run away awl the time hardly ever do, but the dozy ones, when they do git started, kant run fast enuff to suit them. – It is sum so with the human critters.
Ridicule iz the only successful persecution i kno ov.
Tew git at the full sublimity ov a wimmins right lekturer, go tew her hum, and witness her old man striving to nuss their last baby, and notis what a dredful sloppy job he makes ov it.
Avarice makes villins ov sum, and growling wretches ov all.
Philosophy iz the art ov making ourselfs happy, but yet i find 7 times as mutch philosophy in the world az i do happiness.
Marrying for love iz postponed for the present; in the mean time Cupid dips hiz arrows in petroleum and fires at brown stone fronts, just to keep hiz hand in.
Pleazure iz just az natural az smelling; thare is az mutch joy in sliding down hill by moonlight, on a barrel stave, az there is 40 years afterwards, in bein principal stock-holder, and president ov a double track ralerode.
We should make virtue our master, not our servant.
Pitty is the poorest beggar ov the whole lot. "Pitty the sorrows ov a poor old man," iz a fust rate way tew hav the dogs set at you, – better, a good deal, be a little sassy.
Generosity, az a general thing, haz more pride than kommon sense in it.
Even truth haz a ridickilous side tew it, which it iz always trieing to hide.
Sum people lose twice when they bet; they bet without enny pluck, and lose without enny pluck. Yu kant kure laziness by bribery, nor shame; the only way to kure it, is tew skare it. Laziness is one ov those kind ov things that has no memory at all, and but an indifferent reccollection.
"Early impreshuns are the most lasting" – the fust kiss, and the fust licking, cum under this hed.
Reputashun is a good deal like a bond-fire, yu hav got tew keep pileing on the shavings. If you don't the flame will soon subdew.
I was once asked if mi fourfathers was Englishmen. I told the illiterate cuss, who propagated the question, that i didn't hav but one father, and he was strictly ov the Massachewsetts purswashun.
Good wit iz sumthing like good luck, – the more soon and unexpekted it iz, the better.
XLIV.
ESSA ON SWINE
Hogs generally are quadriped.
The extreme length ov their antiquity haz never been fully discovered; they existed a long time before the flood, and hav existed a long time since.
There iz a grate deal ov internal revenew in a hog, thare ain't mutch more waste in them than thare iz in a oyster.
Even their tails can be wurked up into whissells.
Hogs are good quiet boarders; they alwus eat what iz set before them, and don't ask enny foolish questions.
They never hav enny disseaze but the meazles, and they never hav that but once; once seems to satisfy them.
Thare iz a grate menny breeds amongst them.
Sum are a close corporation breed, and sum are bilt more apart, like a hemlock slab.
They used to hav a breed in New England, a few years ago, which they called the striped hog breed. This breed waz in high repute among the landlords; almost evry tavern keeper had one, which he used tew show tew travelers, and brag on him.
Sum are full in the face, like a town clock, and some are az long and lean az a cow-catcher, with a steel pinted noze on them.
They kan awl rute well; a hog that kant rute well, haz bin made in vain.
They are a short lived animal, and generally die az soon az they git fatt.
The hog kan be larnt a grate menny cunning things, such az highsting the front gate off from the hinges, tipping over the swill barrells, and finding a hole in the fence to git into a cornfield, but thare ain't enny length tew their memory; it iz awful hard work for them tew find the same hole to git out at, espeshly if yu are at all anxious they should.
Hogs are very kontrary, and seldom drive well the same way yu are going; they drive the most the other way; this haz never bin fully explained, but speaks volumes for the hog.
XLV.
ON SOWING MACHINES
Dear Morse – I this morning had makrel for brekfast, and also yure letter, enklosing a prospektus uv yure "Improved swivel stitch and back action sowing masheen," and must say i am tickled tew deth with her.
It strikes me that it must be equal tew a small drove uv nu milk cows in a family.
If the masheen iz only one quarter az good az the prospektus iz, yure fortune iz az certain and lasting az the rocks.
Don't hesitate tew send me one ov the masheens, and i will return the prospektus.
I hav now 3 sowing masheens on hand; one i hav had 24 years, the other two about 20 & 18 years respektivly.
The old masheen iz a gem, and will sow on a patch quicker than the hole was made.
The other two are smaller, and are halleluger itself on worsted work and ornamental blister.
I would part with the 2 younger ones if enny fust rate chance offered, and furnish a prospektus that would beat the Song ov Solaman.
Az for the old one, munny won't buy her. I intend to stick tew her till evry thread breaks, for she iz wuth a dozen nu-fangled ones.
I got her in Massachusetts, by the side ov the road, at the foot ov a mountain, from a good old Baptiss deakon, who lived in a nice white farm-hous, with green blinds and a hoss-block by the door, and a pen-stock ov never failing water, and a wood pile as bigg az a straw stack.
The 2 little ones are on exhibishun now, at mi rooms. Kards ov admishun can be prokured ov the proprietor bi presenting the proper vouchers.
Full warrantees will be given with each masheen.
Principals only delt with; no agent need apply.
Again, dear Morse, I kant help but thank yu for yure prospektus – it iz so limber and full ov good advise; but i kant help but say that if you should see mi sowing masheens and see them at wurk, yu would tare up yure prospektus in disgust, and either git one ov mi kind, or be miserable till you did.
Morse, fairwell.In the meantime, yures truli,Josh Billings.
XLVI.
SUM ADVISE
Mi yung friend, yu are about tew begin life, and altho it may seem dredful impossibel tew yu, nevertheless yu will be liabel tew make sum mistakes while yu are scoring, or during the fust mile or two.
Let me mix up a little advise for yu tew take till yu git tew trotting stiddy.
Yu will observe the advise iz designed for yung gentlemen who show sum sighns ov speed, and also that i reazon right from the shoulder.
1. Treat the old man and the old woman as yure equals; smile when they exhort, and laff when they intreat, for no yung man kan hope for suckcess in ornamental walks ov life who don't wear the belt at home.
2. If yu kant raize a mustash, commit suiside at once and begin agin; for it iz better tew die than tew suffer disgrace.
3. Cultivate impudense – impudense iz a good substitute for bravery – only be a littel kerful tew pick yure customers when yu tri it on.
4. Keep a trotter and a fiteing rooster. Theze animals will let yu into the konfidense ov men who will watch over yure morals and nuss yure genius.
5. Avoid the old fogys; they are a miserabel set ov cowardly croakers, who, like a third-rate dorg, hav larnt what little they kno about virtew bi simply being overmatched in a fair fight.
6. Suspekt aul femail virtew. This will giv yu an eazy flow ov ambiguous language while in the sosiety ov the ladys, and enabel yu tew awake confusion, which yu kan kall sumthing else.
7. If yu git desprait, and must marry, marry for ducats – marrying for blud or for luv iz too sloppy for a man ov spirits. Luv iz a low pashun, and iz designed for 2-story houses on one ov the back streets; not for a brown stun front.
8. Bi aul means learn to sware, chaw, and smoke freely, and don't ever mistake rain water for milk punch, unless yu want a soft thing.
9. Call religion a stock jobber's pidgeon to ketch flatts with; say that virtew iz only the galvanized impotence ov cowards; that wisdum iz but an egg that iz addled; laff at aul things that are sollum, and sware that Backus and Venus are the only two gods fit tew be worshiped.
Yung man, cultivate aul the abuv graces, and add tew them what the ardor of yure genius may inspire, and if the hoss jockeys and pimps generally don't say you are a cuss ov the brightest hue, and if the devil don't make you sum flattering proposals, the days ov chivalry are positively over, and pudding and milk haz got more glory into it than a brandy smash, a rum sour, or even a thomas and jerry.
Yung man, (a fu words with yu in private,) let theze cheerful remarks settle down into you when yu git tew reflekting at 12 o'clock sum rainy nite.
Don't make a phool of yureself by trieing tew jump 65 feet at one jump, and land among the Berhoys at onst, but examine yure bild clussly and see if yu ain't better konstrukted for sumthing honest.
But if yu find that yu must go tew dispair, then put on aul the steam yu kan carry, and either bust or git thare az soon az possibel.
P.S. – When yu git thare, and hav had enuff ov it, just drop me a line, and i will see what kan be did for yu. But don't forgit one thing – that the road back iz 3 times az fur, and aul the way up hill besides.
XLVII.
TAKE IT EAZY
Yes, mi dear feller, do take it eazy.
Don't fret, don't foam; yu kant take thought an be an inch bigger; yu kant ketch lightning, however yu try; then do take it eazy.
If yu would be ritch, only be good, and then take it eazy.
If yure lady-love is coy, do take it eazy, for like a wild colt, by and by will she cum and lay her hed in the halter.
Joys ever are fu, the evening ov yure daze may be long, and oil you will want for yure twilite lamp; then waste not in fury what will last yu till the wick burns out, if yu will only take it eazy.
If yu would see the pitfalls that Satan is digging, if yu would be more than a match for envy and malice, if yu would show no blind side for reproach, chew awl things well, and then take it eazy.
Take it eazy, and the snowflakes ov sorrow will melt az they fall; melankolly will laff when she meets yu, poverty's bundle will be light, and awl yure songs will hav a sweet chorus.
Take it eazy; natur don't fret; seedtime and harvest are a sure thing; the bud, then the leaf; the flower, then the fruit; the lilys don't fret; then, mi dear feller, do take it eazy.
Take it eazy, only be good, and az each nu milestun bi the side ov yure Jordan tells that the grate sity iz nearer, and not fur away, will yure hearte gro lighter, and yure faith gro stronger, airth will look less, and heaven will look bigger; yes, mi dear feller, do, do take it eazy.