Dasher. O, you won’t tell. Hush! there’s somebody coming – somebody who I am particularly anxious to meet alone, you understand. Just step out of that door (pointing, C.), that’s a good fellow.
Mulligrub. Sir, I shall do nothing of the kind.
Dasher. But you must – only for a moment, and then you shall return. (Pushes him back.)
Mulligrub. Sir, do you know who I am?
Dasher. Certainly; a friend of the family; and, as a friend of the family, when the time comes you shall know all. Now go, that’s a good fellow. (Pushes him back to door, C.)
Mulligrub. But, sir, I shall not. (Aside.) Stop. I’ll watch. (Aloud.) Very well, sir; as I seem to be in the way, I will retire.
Dasher. I knew you would – you’re such a good fellow.
Mulligrub. Good fellow! (Aside.) Confound his impudence.
[Exit, C.
Dasher. Ha, ha! Got rid of him. (Comes down stage. Mulligrub enters, C., and steps behind screen.) Now for a tender interview with Miss Eva, ending in a proposal, which I know she will accept. (Enter Eva, c.) I knew you would come.
Eva. Because I promised. O, Mr. Dasher, that waltz was delightful.
Dasher. Indeed! I am glad you enjoyed it. If it gave you pleasure I should be satisfied, though my heart is heavy, and the waltz had little inspiration for me.
Eva. Dear me, Mr. Dasher, you look as melancholy as an owl. What has gone wrong?
Dasher. Nothing – everything – Miss Eva. I am on the verge of a precipice, a frightful precipice. (Mulligrub’s head appears above screen.)
Mulligrub (aside). There’s “Dip” and – Eva, as I live!
Eva. I don’t understand you, Mr. Dasher.
Dasher. Upon the verge of a frightful precipice I totter. Beneath me are the whitened bones of many a mortal. If I fall not a tear will be shed for me.
Mulligrub (aside). Nary a tear, young man.
Dasher. ’Tis the valley of disappointed hopes.
Mulligrub (aside). Dip’s getting grave.
Dasher. Into this must I fall, unless the succoring hand be stretched forth to me.
Mulligrub (aside). The sucker!
Dasher. You, Miss Eva, you – admirable, divine, angelic – can stretch forth that hand to save Dasher from dashing himself into the valley.
Eva. Mr. Dasher, have you been drinking?
Dasher. Draughts of bliss from the fountain of love: basking in the sunshine of your presence. O, Miss Eva, will you save me?
Eva. Once again, Mr. Dasher, I tell you I do not understand you.
Mulligrub (aside). ’Twould puzzle a Dutchman.
Dasher. Have I then been mistaken? have those little delicate attentions which I fondly imagined were gaining for me a corner on your heart – ah, I mean in your heart – been wasted on the desert air?
Mulligrub (aside). Dip’s getting airy.
Dasher. On the brink of a precipice I stand —
Mulligrub (aside). On the rocks again, Dip.
Dasher. Can you see me rush headlong to ruin, angelic Eva.
Mulligrub (aside). Dip’s getting high —
Dasher. You are the star of my destiny; you are the prize for which I strive, you are the divinity of my adoration. Here on my knees – (Falls on his knees L. of Eva.) I swear nothing shall part us.
Enter Ida, r., hurriedly
Ida. O, quick, quick, Eva! I’ve got you such a partner! He’s all impatience. Quick! the music is just about to commence. I wouldn’t have you lose him for the world.
Eva. But Ida —
Ida. Don’t stop to talk. Come quick! quick! (Drags her off, R.)
Mulligrub (aside). Ha, ha! Dip’s left on the brink again.
Dasher (jumping up). Confound that girl! I’ve lost the chance. This comes of making a long story about a very short question. The precipice was a failure. I’ll go and pump the friend of the family. (Exit, C. Mulligrub comes from screen.)
Mulligrub. That can’t be Dip, after all. He’s after Eva. But he can’t have her. Thanks to his confidential assurance, I can send him over the precipice into the valley of disappointed hopes in short order.
Enter Kids, c
Kids. Now weally, I saw Miss Ida enter this woom, positively saw her, and now she’s gone. Hallo! an intrudaw. Sir, I have not the honow of your acquaintance. This woom is the wesort, the westing-place of a bevy of divine goddesses. No masculine mortals are allowed to entaw here.
Mulligrub. Show! then you are not a masculine mortal, I take it.
Kids. Sir, you are impertinent. I am – I am a particular fwiend of the lady who is the lawful possessor of this wesort.
Mulligrub (aside). Can this be Dip? (Aloud.) Sir, I am a particular friend of the lady in question, being the brother of her husband’s brother.
Kids. Weally, the bwover of her husband’s bwover. Pon honow, that’s a sort of cwoss-eyed welation.
Mulligrub. What do you mean by that? Do you doubt my right to be here?
Kids. Hey? wight? – no, no. (Aside.) He must be a witch welation. (Aloud.) Do you know Mr. Mulligwub?
Mulligrub. Intimately.
Kids. I say, would it be a good inwestment to wun away with a membaw of his family?
Mulligrub (aside). It must be Dip. Shall I mash him? No, no, the proof first. (Aloud.) Splendid! Can I help you?
Kids. Well, I don’t know. He’s a wough specimen, and he so vulgaw. Sold fish in a handcart, too. I detest fish, it’s on such a low scale. Now isn’t that good? It’s owiginal, too. I don’t like the odaw. Dreadful low people, but then, there’s lots of money. Yaas, I think I will sacwafice myself.
Mulligrub (aside). I’ll sacrifice you, you monkey. (Aloud.) But tell me, who is the favored member of the family?
Kids. Hush! somebody’s coming. You must wetire.
Mulligrub. What, and lose the fun? No, I thank you.
Kids. You must, weally. The lady is coming. It would shock her delicate nerves were you to be pwesent at the interview. So go, that’s a dear fellah. (Pushes him back, C.)
Mulligrub (aside). He calls me a good fellah. Shall I fell him on the spot? No, I’ll wait; vengeance can afford to wait.
Kids. Do wetire, and, when it’s all ovaw, I will call you. (Pushes him back, C.) Good fellah.
Mulligrub. You’ll call me when it’s all over. (Aside.) I’ll be on hand while it’s going on.
[Exit, C.
Kids. There, the bwover of the husband’s bwover is excluded from the apartment of the wife of the bwover’s husband – no, that ain’t it, it’s the bwover’s wife’s husband – no, or – (Mulligrub enters, C., and gets behind screen.) Here she comes, lovely as a poppy, because she’s got a rich poppy. That’s good – owiginal, too.