Ida. Do you know what it all means?
Eva. Certainly – proposals.
Ida. And will you permit Mr. Dasher —
Eva. No, indeed. Marry that fickle thing? Never!
Ida. Exactly my mind. Mr. Kid’s a fool.
Eva. But, like Mr. Dasher, a splendid waltzer. We cannot afford to lose them.
Ida. Indeed we cannot. Partners are so scarce.
Eva. They want father’s money.
Ida. But they must not have his daughters.
Eva. No, indeed. You watch me, and I’ll watch you, and there’ll be no proposals. (Retire to R. and L. Monsieur Adonis and Mrs. Mulligrub come down stage.)
Mrs. M. And you got my note, Munseer Adonis?
Mons. A. Ah, madam, I have it next my heart. (Produces an envelope, opens it, takes out note, puts envelope in his pocket. Reads.) “Meet me in the private drawing-room when ze company are waltzing. Do not fail me. Hannah Mulligrub.” Zat is all it say.
Mrs. M. But you know what it means. I am anxious to learn “The Boston Dip.” Were I to come to your school I should be laughed at, but here, while the company are waltzing, no one would know it, and the inspiring music would aid me. I don’t want to make a fool of myself, you understand.
Mons. A. Certainly. All zat I shall remember. I have written on ze back of ze note “Boston Dip.” I put him in ze pocket wiz my handkerchief, so zat when I pull him out to wipe my face ze note will arrest my attention, and I shall fly to you, madam. (Puts note and handkerchief in his pocket.)
Mrs. M. O, you Frenchmen are so inveterate.
Dasher. Come, Monsieur Adonis, the dance, the dance! I’m all impatience (aside to Eva) for its end.
Kids. Weally, the delay is vexatious; it is, weally. (Aside to Ida.) Meet me here, you know.
Mons. A. Pardon me, I am all impatience. Charmant, madam, shall I have ze pleasure. (Offers his arm to Mrs. Mulligrub.) Ze night is ver warm, ver warm. (Music, “Beautiful Blue Danube.” Monsieur Adonis takes out his handkerchief. The note falls on stage. He wipes his face, passes out door, R., followed by Dasher and Eva, Kids and Ida.)
Enter Mulligrub, c
Mulligrub. So, so, here we are, Mrs. Mulligrub, unexpectedly, and no doubt unwelcome. You imagine the old codger snoozing away at home, but here he is, and wide awake too. It’s about time the head of the house knew what is going on. And here’s where the money goes. Well, who cares? There’s lots of it, so let it fly. But I’ve a wonderful curiosity to know how my Hannah carries herself among all these fine snobs, so I’m bound to have a peep. (Goes towards door, R. Sees note on carpet.) Hallo! what’s this? a billy-deux? (Picking it up.) Where’s my specs? (Reads.) “Meet me” – ho, ho! here’s a nice little plot – (reads) – “in the private drawing-room” – that’s here – (reads) – “while the company are waltzing. Do not fail me. Hannah Mulligrub.” My wife! Ye gods and little fishes! my wife. “Do not fail me.” Is this the reward of my generosity? My wife! What does it mean? Who is the scoundrel that is tampering with the affections of Hannah, and the peace of Moses Mulligrub? (Turns note over.) “Boston Dip.” Who’s he? “Boston Dip.” There’s a name. I’ve heard of the “Manchester Pet,” and the “Dublin Baby,” but the “Boston Dip,” – confound him, let me get hold of him, and I’ll Christen him with a dip that will drown him. Here’s nice goings on! A respectable wife, and a mother, too, making an appointment with an individual bearing such a name as that – “Boston Dip.” He shall not fail you, Mrs. M., but he must meet me too. I’ll not stir from this place until I know what this means. This comes of letting women roam abroad when they should be kept at home. O, Mrs. Mulligrub! if I don’t cut down your pin money for this my name’s not Moses Mulligrub. I’ll not leave you a pin to stand on. (Takes chair; slams it down, C.) “Boston Dip.” (Sits, and jumps up.) Gracious! he must be a sparrer, and that’s his fighting name. No matter, let him come on. (Sparring.) The old man’s a little out of practice, but he’s game. (Sits; folds his arms.) If this little party does not end in a shindy, it won’t be my fault.
Dasher backs in, R., waving his handkerchief
Dasher. Does she mean to come? I cannot attract her attention. (Backs up still, waving his handkerchief.) Why don’t she come? (Backs against Mulligrub’s chair, sending it over, and Mulligrub on to the floor.) I beg your pardon.
Mulligrub (picking himself up). Sir!
Dasher. I really beg your pardon. Did you break anything?
Mulligrub. No, sir; but I shall presently break the peace and your head.
Dasher. I beg you won’t do anything of the kind. It was an accident; and besides, you are trespassing here.
Mulligrub. O, I am! And pray, sir, will you be kind enough to explain the meaning of that remark?
Dasher. Certainly. This is Mrs. Mulligrub’s private drawing-room, where none but her friends are allowed to enter.
Mulligrub. Indeed! (Aside.) This must be “Dip.” (Aloud.) Well, sir, I am one of her friends – a particular friend.
Dasher. I see: an old friend of the family. You’re just the man I want to see. Yes, sir, the moment I set eyes on you I said to myself, “There’s a man who can serve me.”
Mulligrub. Indeed – (aside) with a broken head.
Dasher. Yes, sir. You know old Mulligrub?
Mulligrub (aside). Old Mulligrub! (Aloud.) Intimately.
Dasher. Good. I’ve never seen him, but people say he’s immensely rich. What do you say? Will he cut up well?
Mulligrub (aside). “Cut up!” Confound his impudence.
Dasher. I’ve particular reasons for wishing to know. I may say, I am very much attached to a member of his family, you understand. I’m not mercenary; but you know times are hard, and to make a respectable show in society, have a nice house, a half dozen fast horses, and all that sort of thing, requires money. Now, what I want to know is this, will the old man shell out?
Mulligrub. Shell out? Look here, young man, for coolness you certainly would take the premium at the largest display of frozen wares in Alaska. If I don’t answer your polite questions, it is because your audacity has so astounded me, that, hang me, if I know whether there is an old Mulligrub to “cut up” or “shell out” at all. (Aside.) It must certainly be “Dip.”