Formerly we were untiring, especially in other exercises,118 but 'tis over now; our brow is crowned with hair whiter than the swan. We must, however, rekindle a youthful ardour in these remnants of what was, and for myself, I prefer my old age to the curly hair and the finery of all these lewd striplings.
Should any among you spectators look upon me with wonder, because of this wasp waist, or not know the meaning of this sting, I will soon dispel his ignorance. We, who wear this appendage, are the true Attic men, who alone are noble and native to the soil, the bravest of all people. 'Tis we who, weapon in hand, have done so much for the country, when the Barbarian shed torrents of fire and smoke over our city in his relentless desire to seize our nests by force. At once we ran up, armed with lance and buckler, and, drunk with the bitter wine of anger, we gave them battle, man standing to man and rage distorting our lips.119 A hail of arrows hid the sky. However, by the help of the gods, we drove off the foe towards evening. Before the battle an owl had flown over our army.120 Then we pursued them with our lance point in their loins as one hunts the tunny-fish; they fled and we stung them in the jaw and in the eyes, so that even now the barbarians tell each other that there is nothing in the world more to be feared than the Attic wasp.
Oh! at that time I was terrible, I feared nothing; forth on my galleys I went in search of my foe and subjected him.121 Then we never thought of rounding fine phrases, we never dreamt of calumny; 'twas who should prove the strongest rower. And thus we took many a town from the Medes,122 and 'tis to us that Athens owes the tributes that our young men thieve to-day.
Look well at us, and you will see that we have all the character and habits of the wasp. Firstly, if roused, no beings are more irascible, more relentless than we are. In all other things, too, we act like wasps. We collect in swarms, in a kind of nests,123 and some go a-judging with the Archon,124 some with the Eleven,125 others at the Odeon;126 there are yet others, who hardly move at all, like the grubs in the cells, but remain glued to the walls127 and bent double to the ground. We also pay full attention to the discovery of all sorts of means of existing and sting the first who comes, so as to live at his expense. Finally, we have among us drones,128 who have no sting and who, without giving themselves the least trouble, seize on our revenues as they flow past them and devour them. 'Tis this that grieves us most of all, to see men who have never served or held either lance or oar in defence of their country, enriching themselves at our expense without ever raising a blister on their hands. In short, I give it as my deliberate opinion that in future every citizen not possessed of a sting shall not receive the triobolus.
PHILOCLEON. As long as I live, I will never give up this cloak; 'tis the one I wore in that battle129 when Boreas delivered us from such fierce attacks,
BDELYCLEON. You do not know what is good for you.
PHILOCLEON. Ah! I know not how to use fine clothing! T'other day, when cramming myself with fried fish, I dropped so many grease spots that I had to pay three obols to the cleaner.
BDELYCLEON. At least have a try, since you have once for all handed the care for your well-being over to me.
PHILOCLEON. Very well then! what must I do?
BDELYCLEON. Take off your cloak, and put on this tunic in its stead.
PHILOCLEON. 'Twas well worth while to beget and bring up children, so that this one should now wish to choke me.
BDELYCLEON. Come, take this tunic and put it on without so much talk.
PHILOCLEON. Great gods! what sort of a cursed garment is this?
BDELYCLEON. Some call it a pelisse, others a Persian cloak.130
PHILOCLEON. Ah! I thought it was a wraprascal like those made at Thymaetia.131
BDELYCLEON. Pray, how should you know such garments? 'Tis only at Sardis you could have seen them, and you have never been there.
PHILOCLEON. I' faith, no! but it seems to me exactly like the mantle Morychus132 sports.
BDELYCLEON. Not at all; I tell you they are woven at Ecbatana.
PHILOCLEON. What! are there woollen ox-guts133 then at Ecbatana?
BDELYCLEON. Whatever are you talking about? These are woven by the Barbarians at great cost. I am certain this pelisse has consumed more than a talent of wool.134
PHILOCLEON. It should be called wool-waster then instead of pelisse.
BDELYCLEON. Come, father, just hold still for a moment and put it on.
PHILOCLEON. Oh! horrors! what a waft of heat the hussy wafts up my nose!
BDELYCLEON. Will you have done with this fooling?
PHILOCLEON. No, by Zeus! if need be, I prefer you should put me in the oven.
BDELYCLEON. Come! I will put it round you. There!
PHILOCLEON. At all events, bring out a crook.
BDELYCLEON. Why, whatever for?
PHILOCLEON. To drag me out of it before I am quite melted.
BDELYCLEON. Now take off those wretched clogs and put on these nice Laconian slippers.
PHILOCLEON. I put on odious slippers made by our foes! Never!
BDELYCLEON. Come! put your foot in and push hard. Quick!
PHILOCLEON. 'Tis ill done of you. You want me to put my foot on Laconian ground.
BDELYCLEON. Now the other.
PHILOCLEON. Ah! no, not that one; one of its toes holds the Laconians in horror.
BDELYCLEON. Positively you must.
PHILOCLEON. Alas! alas! Then I shall have no chilblains in my old age.135
BDELYCLEON. Now, hurry up and get them on; and now imitate the easy effeminate gait of the rich. See, like this.
PHILOCLEON. There!… Look at my get-up and tell me which rich man I most resemble in my walk.
BDELYCLEON. Why, you look like a garlic plaster on a boil.
PHILOCLEON. Ah! I am longing to swagger and sway my rump about.
BDELYCLEON. Now, will you know how to talk gravely with well-informed men of good class?
PHILOCLEON. Undoubtedly.
BDELYCLEON. What will you say to them?
PHILOCLEON. Oh, lots of things. First of all I shall say, that Lamia,136 seeing herself caught, let fly a fart; then, that Cardopion and her mother….
BDELYCLEON. Come, no fabulous tales, pray! talk of realities, of domestic facts, as is usually done.
PHILOCLEON. Ah! I know something that is indeed most domestic. Once upon a time there was a rat and a cat….
BDELYCLEON. "Oh, you ignorant fool," as Theagenes said137 to the scavenger in a rage. Are you going to talk of cats and rats among high-class people?
PHILOCLEON. Then what should I talk about?
BDELYCLEON. Tell some dignified story. Relate how you were sent on a solemn mission with Androcles and Clisthenes.
PHILOCLEON. On a mission! never in my life, except once to Paros,138 a job which brought me in two obols a day.
BDELYCLEON. At least say, that you have just seen Ephudion making good play in the pancratium139 with Ascondas and, that despite his age and his white hair, he is still robust in loin and arm and flank and that his chest is a very breastplate.
PHILOCLEON. Stop! stop! what nonsense! Who ever contested at the pancratium with a breast-plate on?
BDELYCLEON. That is how well-behaved folk like to talk. But another thing. When at wine, it would be fitting to relate some good story of your youthful days. What is your most brilliant feat?
PHILOCLEON. My best feat? Ah! 'twas when I stole Ergasion's vine-props.
BDELYCLEON. You and your vine-props! you'll be the death of me! Tell of one of your boar-hunts or of when you coursed the hare. Talk about some torch-race you were in; tell of some deed of daring.
PHILOCLEON. Ah! my most daring deed was when, quite a young man still, I prosecuted Phayllus, the runner, for defamation, and he was condemned by a majority of two votes.
BDELYCLEON. Enough of that! Now recline there, and practise the bearing that is fitting at table in society.
PHILOCLEON. How must I recline? Tell me quick!
BDELYCLEON. In an elegant style.
PHILOCLEON. Like this?
BDELYCLEON. Not at all.
PHILOCLEON. How then?
BDELYCLEON. Spread your knees on the tapestries and give your body the most easy curves, like those taught in the gymnasium. Then praise some bronze vase, survey the ceiling, admire the awning stretched over the court. Water is poured over our hands; the tables are spread; we sup and, after ablution, we now offer libations to the gods.
PHILOCLEON. But, by Zeus! this supper is but a dream, it appears!
BDELYCLEON. The flute-player has finished the prelude. The guests are Theorus, Aeschines, Phanus, Cleon, Acestor;140 and beside this last, I don't know who else. You are with them. Shall you know exactly how to take up the songs that are started?
PHILOCLEON. Better than any born mountaineer of Attica.
BDELYCLEON. That we shall see. Suppose me to be Cleon. I am the first to begin the song of Harmodius, and you take it up: "There never was yet seen in Athens …
PHILOCLEON. … such a rogue or such a thief."141
BDELYCLEON. Why, you wretched man, 'twill be the end of you if you sing that. He will vow your ruin, your destruction, to chase you out of the country.
PHILOCLEON. Well! then I shall answer his threats with another song: "With your madness for supreme power, you will end by overthrowing the city, which even now totters towards ruin."
BDELYCLEON. And when Theorus, prone at Cleon's feet, takes his hand and sings, "Like Admetus, love those who are brave,"142 what reply will you make him?
PHILOCLEON. I shall sing, "I know not how to play the fox, nor call myself the friend of both parties."
BDELYCLEON. Then comes the turn of Aeschines, the son of Sellus, and a well-trained and clever musician, who will sing, "Good things and riches for Clitagoras and me and eke for the Thessalians!"
PHILOCLEON. "The two of us have squandered a deal between us."
BDELYCLEON. At this game you seem at home. But come, we will go and dine with Philoctemon.—Slave! slave! place our dinner in a basket, and let us go for a good long drinking bout.
PHILOCLEON. By no means, it is too dangerous; for after drinking, one breaks in doors, one comes to blows, one batters everything. Anon, when the wine is slept off, one is forced to pay.
BDELYCLEON. Not if you are with decent people. Either they undertake to appease the offended person or, better still, you say something witty, you tell some comic story, perhaps one of those you have yourself heard at table, either in Aesop's style or in that of Sybaris; all laugh and the trouble is ended.
PHILOCLEON. Faith! 'tis worth while learning many stories then, if you are thus not punished for the ill you do. But come, no more delay!
CHORUS. More than once have I given proof of cunning and never of stupidity, but how much more clever is Amynias, the son of Sellus and of the race of forelock-wearers; him we saw one day coming to dine with Leogaras,143 bringing as his share one apple and a pomegranate, and bear in mind he was as hungry as Antiphon.144 He went on an embassy to Pharsalus,145 and there he lived solely among the Thessalian mercenaries;146 indeed, is he not the vilest of mercenaries himself?
Oh! blessed, oh! fortunate Automenes, how enviable is your fortune! You have three sons, the most industrious in the world; one is the friend of all, a very able man, the first among the lyre-players, the favourite of the Graces. The second is an actor, and his talent is beyond all praise. As for Ariphrades, he is by far the most gifted; his father would swear to me, that without any master whatever and solely through the spontaneous effort of his happy nature, he taught himself the use of his tongue in the lewd places147 where he spends the whole of his time.
Some have said that I and Cleon were reconciled. This is the truth of the matter: Cleon was harassing me, persecuting and belabouring me in every way; and, when I was being fleeced, the public laughed at seeing me uttering such loud cries; not that they cared about me, but simply curious to know whether, when trodden down by my enemy, I would not hurl at him some taunt. Noticing this, I have played the wheedler a bit; but now, look! the prop is deceiving the vine!148
XANTHIAS. Oh! tortoises! happy to have so hard a skin, thrice happy to carry this roof that protects your backs! Oh! creatures full of sense! what a happy thought to cover your bodies with this shell, which shields it from blows! As for me, I can no longer move; the stick has so belaboured my body.
CHORUS. Eh, what's the matter, child? for, old as he may be, one has the right to call anyone a child who has let himself be beaten.
XANTHIAS. Alas! my master is really the worst of all plagues. He was the most drunk of all the guests, and yet among them were Hippyllus, Antiphon, Lycon, Lysistratus, Theophrastus and Phrynichus. But he was a hundred times more insolent than any. As soon as he had stuffed himself with a host of good dishes, he began to leap and spring, to laugh and to let wind like a little ass well blown out with barley. Then he set to a-beating me with all his heart, shouting, "Slave! slave!" Lysistratus, as soon as he saw him, let fly this comparison at him. "Old fellow," said he, "you resemble one of the scum assuming the airs of a rich man or a stupid ass that has broken loose from its stable." "As for you," bawled the other at the top of his voice, "you are like a grasshopper,149 whose cloak is worn to the thread, or like Sthenelus150 after his clothes had been sold." All applauded excepting Theophrastus, who made a grimace as behoved a well-bred man like him. The old man called to him, "Hi! tell me then what you have to be proud of? Not so much mouthing, you, who so well know how to play the buffoon and to lick-spittle the rich!" 'Twas thus he insulted each in turn with the grossest of jests, and he reeled off a thousand of the most absurd and ridiculous speeches. At last, when he was thoroughly drunk, he started towards here, striking everyone he met. Hold, here he comes reeling along. I will be off for fear of his blows.
PHILOCLEON.151 Halt! and let everyone begone, or I shall do an evil turn to some of those who insist on following me. Clear off, rascals, or I shall roast you with this torch!
BDELYCLEON. We shall all make you smart to-morrow for your youthful pranks. We shall come in a body to summon you to justice.
PHILOCLEON. Ho! ho! summon me! what old women's babble! Know that I can no longer bear to hear even the name of suits. Ha! ha! ha! this is what pleases me, "Down with the urns!" Won't you begone? Down with the dicasts! away with them, away with them! (To the flute-girl.) Mount up there, my little gilded cock-chafer; seize hold of this rope's end in your hand.152 Hold it tight, but have a care; the rope's a bit old and worn, but it loves a nice rubbing still. Do you see how opportunely I got you away from the solicitations of those fellows, who wanted to make you work their tools in your mouth? You therefore owe me this return to gratify mine by masturbating it. But will you pay the debt? Oh! I know well you will not even try; you will play with me, you will laugh heartily at my poor old weapon as you have done at many another man's. And yet, if you would not be a naughty girl, I would redeem you, when my son is dead, and you should be my concubine, my little cuntling. At present I am not my own master; I am very young and am watched very closely. My dear son never lets me out of his sight; 'tis an unbearable creature, who would quarter a thread and skin a flint; he is afraid I should get lost, for I am his only father. But here he comes running towards us. But be quick, don't stir, hold these torches. I am going to play him a young man's trick, the same as he played me before I was initiated into the mysteries.
BDELYCLEON. Oh! oh! you debauched old dotard! you desire and, meseems, you love pretty baggages; but, by Apollo, it shall not be with impunity!
PHILOCLEON. Ah! you would be very glad to eat a lawsuit in vinegar, you would.
BDELYCLEON. 'Tis a rascally trick to steal the flute-girl away from the other guests.
PHILOCLEON. What flute-girl? Are you distraught, as if you had just returned from Pluto?
BDELYCLEON. By Zeus! But here is the Dardanian wench in person.153
PHILOCLEON. Nonsense. This is a torch that I have lit in the public square in honour of the gods.
BDELYCLEON. Is this a torch?
PHILOCLEON. A torch? Certainly. Do you not see it is of several different colours?
BDELYCLEON. And what is that black part in the middle?154
PHILOCLEON. 'Tis the pitch running out while it burns.
BDELYCLEON. And there, on the other side, surely that is a girl's bottom?
PHILOCLEON. No. 'Tis a small bit of the torch, that projects.
BDELYCLEON. What do you mean? what bit? Hi! you woman! come here!
PHILOCLEON. Ah! ah! What do you want to do?
BDELYCLEON. To take her from you and lead her away. You are too much worn out and can do nothing.
PHILOCLEON. Hear me! One day, at Olympia, I saw Euphudion boxing bravely against Ascondas;155 he was already aged, and yet with a blow from his fist he knocked down his young opponent. So beware lest I blacken your eyes.
BDELYCLEON. By Zeus! you have Olympia at your finger-ends!
A BAKER'S WIFE (to Bdelycleon). Come to my help, I beg you, in the name of the gods! This cursed man, when striking out right and left with his torch, knocked over ten loaves worth an obolus apiece, and then, to cap the deal, four others.
BDELYCLEON. Do you see what lawsuits you are drawing upon yourself with your drunkenness? You will have to plead.
PHILOCLEON. Oh, no, no! a little pretty talk and pleasant tales will soon settle the matter and reconcile her with me.
BAKER'S WIFE. Not so, by the goddesses twain! It shall not be said that you have with impunity spoilt the wares of Myrtia,156 the daughter of Ancylion and Sostraté.
PHILOCLEON. Listen, woman, I wish to tell you a lovely anecdote.
BAKER'S WIFE. Oh! friend, no anecdotes for me, thank you.
PHILOCLEON. One night Aesop was going out to supper. A drunken bitch had the impudence to bark near him. Aesop said to her, "Oh, bitch, bitch! you would do well to sell your wicked tongue and buy some wheat."
BAKER'S WIFE. You make a mock of me! Very well! Be you who you like, I shall summons you before the market inspectors157 for damage done to my business. Chaerephon158 here shall be my witness.
PHILOCLEON. But just listen, here's another will perhaps please you better. Lasus and Simonides159 were contesting against each other for the singing prize. Lasus said, "Damn me if I care."
BAKER'S WIFE. Ah! really, did he now!
PHILOCLEON. As for you, Chaerephon, can you be witness to this woman, who looks as pale and tragic as Ino when she throws herself from her rock160 … at the feet of Euripides?
BDELYCLEON. Here, methinks, comes another to summons you; he has his witness too. Ah! unhappy indeed we are!
ACCUSER. I summons you, old man, for outrage.
BDELYCLEON. For outrage? Oh! in the name of the gods, do not summons him! I will be answerable for him; name the penalty and I will be more grateful still.
PHILOCLEON. I ask for nothing better than to be reconciled with him; for I admit I struck him and threw stones at him. So, first come here. Will you leave it in my hands to name the indemnity I must pay, if I promise you my friendship as well, or will you fix it yourself?
ACCUSER. Fix it; I like neither lawsuits nor disputes.
PHILOCLEON. A man of Sybaris161 fell from his chariot and wounded his head most severely; he was a very poor driver. One of his friends came up to him and said, "Every man to his trade." Well then, go you to Pittalus162 to get mended.
BDELYCLEON. You are incorrigible.
ACCUSER (to his witness). At all events, make a note of his reply.
PHILOCLEON. Listen, instead of going off so abruptly. A woman at Sybaris broke a box.
ACCUSER (to his witness). I again ask you to witness this.
PHILOCLEON. The box therefore had the fact attested, but the woman said, "Never worry about witnessing the matter, but hurry off to buy a cord to tie it together with; 'twill be the more sensible course."
ACCUSER. Oh! go on with your ribaldry until the Archon calls the case.
BDELYCLEON (to Philocleon). No, by Demeter! you stay here no longer! I take you and carry you off.
PHILOCLEON. And what for?
BDELYCLEON. What for? I shall carry you to the house; else there would not be enough witnesses for the accusers.
PHILOCLEON. One day at Delphi, Aesop …
BDELYCLEON. I don't care a fig for that.
PHILOCLEON. … was accused of having stolen a sacred vase. But he replied, that the horn beetle … (Philocleon goes on with his fable while Bdelycleon is carrying him off the scene by main force.)
BDELYCLEON. Oh, dear, dear! You drive me crazy with your horn-beetle.
CHORUS. I envy you your happiness, old man. What a contrast to his former frugal habits and his very hard life! Taught now in quite another school, he will know nothing but the pleasures of ease. Perhaps he will jib at it, for indeed 'tis difficult to renounce what has become one's second nature. However, many have done it, and adopting the ideas of others, have changed their use and wont. As for Philocleon's son, I, like all wise and judicious men, cannot sufficiently praise his filial tenderness and his tact. Never have I met a more amiable nature, and I have conceived the greatest fondness for him. How he triumphed on every point in his discussion with his father, when he wanted to bring him back to more worthy and honourable tastes!
XANTHIAS. By Bacchus! 'Tis some Evil Genius has brought this unbearable disorder into our house. The old man, full up with wine and excited by the sound of the flute, is so delighted, so enraptured, that he spends the night executing the old dances that Thespis first produced on the stage,163 and just now he offered to prove to the modern tragedians, by disputing with them for the dancing prize, that they are nothing but a lot of old dotards.
PHILOCLEON. "Who loiters at the door of the vestibule?"164
XANTHIAS. Here comes our pest, our plague!
PHILOCLEON. Let down the barriers.165 The dance is now to begin.
XANTHIAS. Or rather the madness.
PHILOCLEON. Impetuous movement already twists and racks my sides. How my nostrils wheeze! how my back cracks!
XANTHIAS. Go and fill yourself with hellebore.166
PHILOCLEON. Phrynichus is as bold as a cock and terrifies his rivals.
XANTHIAS. Oh! oh! have a care he does not kick you.
PHILOCLEON. His leg kicks out sky-high, and his arse gapes open.167
XANTHIAS. Do have a care.
PHILOCLEON. Look how easily my leg-joints move.
BDELYCLEON. Great gods! What does all this mean? Is it actual, downright madness?
PHILOCLEON. And now I summon and challenge my rivals. If there be a tragic poet who pretends to be a skilful dancer, let him come and contest the matter with me. Is there one? Is there not one?
BDELYCLEON. Here comes one, and one only.
PHILOCLEON. Who is the wretch?
BDELYCLEON. 'Tis the younger son of Carcinus.168
PHILOCLEON. I will crush him to nothing; in point of keeping time, I will knock him out, for he knows nothing of rhythm.
BDELYCLEON. Ah! ah! here comes his brother too, another tragedian, and another son of Carcinus.
PHILOCLEON. Him I will devour for my dinner.
BDELYCLEON. Oh! ye gods! I see nothing but crabs.169 Here is yet another son of Carcinus.
PHILOCLEON. What is't comes here? A shrimp or a spider?170
BDELYCLEON. 'Tis a crab,171—a crabkin, the smallest of its kind; he writes tragedies.
PHILOCLEON. Oh! Carcinus, how proud you should be of your brood! What a crowd of kinglets have come swooping down here!
BDELYCLEON. Come, come, my poor father, you will have to measure yourself against them.
PHILOCLEON. Have pickle prepared for seasoning them, if I am bound to prove the victor.
CHORUS. Let us stand out of the way a little, so that they may twirl at their ease. Come, illustrious children of this inhabitant of the briny, brothers of the shrimps, skip on the sand and the shore of the barren sea; show us the lightning whirls and twirls of your nimble limbs. Glorious offspring of Phrynichus,172 let fly your kicks, so that the spectators may be overjoyed at seeing your legs so high in air. Twist, twirl, tap your bellies, kick your legs to the sky. Here comes your famous father, the ruler of the sea,173 delighted to see his three lecherous kinglets.174 Go on with your dancing, if it pleases you, but as for us, we shall not join you. Lead us promptly off the stage, for never a Comedy yet was seen where the Chorus finished off with a dance.