Fairytale With The Single Dad

Paul nodded and touched the spot where his stitches had been. ‘Maybe I will. I know I’ve lost a baby, but I’m even more scared of losing my wife.’

Nathan just stared back at him.

Sydney felt odd. She had to call round to Nathan’s house in a minute, so she could take them to Wicklegate Farm and teach Anna how to ride the donkey. But for some reason she was standing in front of her wardrobe, wondering what to wear?

It shouldn’t matter!

Deliberately she grabbed at a pair of old jeans, an old rugby shirt that was slightly too big for her and thick woolly socks to wear inside her boots.

I have no reason to dress up for Dr Jones.

However, once dressed, she found herself staring at her reflection in the mirror, messing with her hair. Up? Down?

She decided to leave her hair down and then added a touch of make-up. A bit of blush. Some mascara.

Her reflection stared back at her in question.

What are you doing?

Her mirror image gave no response. Obviously. But that still didn’t stop her waiting for one, hoping she would see something in the mirror that would tell her the right thing to do.

She even looked at Magic. ‘Am I being stupid about this?’

Magic blinked slowly at her.

She liked Nathan, and that was the problem. She liked it that he was comfortable to be with. She liked it that he was great to talk to. That he was very easy on the eye.

There was some small security in the fact that his little girl would be there, so it was hardly going to be a seduction, but… But a part of her—a small part, admittedly—wondered what it would be like if something were to happen with them spending time together. What, though? A kiss? On the cheek? The lips? That small part of her wanted to know what it would feel like to close her eyes and feel his lips press against hers. To inhale his scent, to feel his hands upon her. To sink into his strong caress.

Alastair, in those last few months, made me feel like I had the plague. That I was disgusting to him. It would be nice to know that a man could still find me desirable.

She missed that physical connection with someone. She missed having someone in her bed in the morning. Someone to read the papers with. To talk to over a meal. She missed the comfort of sitting in the same room as another person and not even having to talk. Of sharing a good book recommendation, of watching a movie together snuggled under an old quilt and feeding each other popcorn. Coming home and not finding the house empty.

But so what? Just because she missed it, it didn’t mean she had to make it happen. No matter how much she fantasised about it. Nathan was a man. And in her experience men let you down. Especially when you needed them the most. She’d already been rejected once, when she was at her lowest, and she didn’t want to go through that again.

It was too hard.

So no matter how nice Nathan was—no matter how attractive, no matter how much she missed being held—nothing was going to happen. Today was about Anna. About donkeys and learning how to ride.

She remembered teaching Olivia. It had taken her ages to get her balance, and she’d needed a few goes at it before she’d felt confident. She hadn’t liked pulling at the reins, had been worried in case it hurt the donkey.

Thinking about the past made her think of the present. Her ex-husband, Alastair, had moved on. He’d found someone new. Was making a new family. How had he moved on so quickly? It was almost insulting. Had she meant nothing to him? Had the family they’d had meant less to him than she’d realised? Perhaps that was why he’d walked away so easily?

Everyone in the village had been shocked. Everyone. Well, she’d make sure that everyone knew she wasn’t moving on. Keeping Nathan and Anna at arm’s length was the right thing to do, despite what she was feeling inside.

She considered cancelling. Calling him and apologising. Telling him that an emergency had cropped up. But then she’d realised that if she did she would still have to meet him again at some point. It was best to get it over and done with straight away. Less dilly-dallying. Besides, she didn’t want to let Anna down. She was a good kid.

She held her house keys in her hand for a moment longer, debating with her inner conscience, and her gaze naturally strayed to a photograph of Olivia. She was standing with her head back, looking up to the sun, her eyes closed, smiling at the feel of warmth on her face. It was one of Sydney’s favourite pictures: Olivia embracing the warmth of the sun.

She always enjoyed life. Even the small things.

Sydney stepped outside and locked up the cottage. She needed to drive to Nathan’s house. The new estate and the road he lived on was about two miles away.

It was interesting to drive through the new builds. The houses were very modern, in bright brick, with cool grey slate tiles on their roofs and shiny white UPVC windows. They were uniformly identical, but she could see Nathan’s muddy jalopy parked on his driveway and she pulled in behind it, letting out a breath. Releasing her nerves.

I can do this!

She strode up to the front door, trying to look businesslike, hoping that no one could see how nervous she suddenly felt inside. She rang the bell and let out a huge breath, trying to calm her scattered nerves.

The door opened and Nathan stood there. Smiling. ‘Sydney—hi. Come on in.’ he stepped back.

Reluctant to enter his home, and therefore create feelings of intimacy, she stepped back. ‘Erm…shouldn’t we just be off? I told the owners we’d be there in about ten minutes.’

‘I’m just waiting for Anna to finish getting ready. You know what young girls are like.’

She watched his cheeks colour as he realised what he’d said, and to let him off the hook decided to step in, but keeping herself as far away from him physically as she could.

‘I do…yes. Anna?’ she called up the stairs.

Sydney heard some thumps and bumps and then Anna was at the top of the stairs. ‘Hi, Sydney! I can’t decide what to wear. Could you help me? Please?’

Anna wheedled out the last word, giving the cutest face that she could.

The look was so reminiscent of Olivia that Sydney had to catch her breath.

‘Erm…’ she glanced at Nathan, who shrugged.

‘By all means…’

‘Right.’

Sydney ascended the stairs, feeling sweat break out down her spine. She turned at the top and went into Anna’s room. Her breath was taken away by how girly it was. A palace of pink. A pink feather boa hung over the mirror on a dresser, there were fairy lights around the headboard, bubblegum-coloured beanbags, a blush-pink carpet and curtains, a hammock in the corner filled with all manner of soft, cuddly toys and a patchwork quilt upon the bed.

And in front of a large pink wardrobe that had a crenelated top, like a castle, Anna stood, one hand on one hip, the other tapping her finger against her lips.

‘I’ve never ridden a donkey. Or a horse! I don’t know what would be best.’

Sydney swallowed hard as she eyed the plethora of clothes in every colour under the sun. ‘Erm…something you don’t mind getting dirty. Trousers or jeans. And a tee shirt? Maybe a jumper?’

Anna pulled out a mulberry-coloured jumper that was quite a thick knit, with cabling down the front. ‘Like this?’

Syd nodded. ‘Perfect. Trousers?’

‘I have these.’ Anna pulled a pair of jeans from a pile. They had some diamanté sequins sewn around the pockets. ‘And this?’ She pointed at the tee shirt she was already wearing.

‘Those will be great. I’ll go downstairs whilst you’re getting dressed.’

‘Could you help me, Sydney? I can never do the buttons.’

Sydney stood awkwardly whilst Anna changed her clothes, and then knelt in front of the little girl to help her do up her clothes. It had been ages since she’d had to do this. Olivia had always struggled with buttons. These two girls might almost have been made out of the same mould. Of course there were so differences between the girls, but sometimes the similarities were disturbing. Painful.

She stood up again. ‘Ready?’

Anna nodded and dashed by her to run downstairs. ‘I’ll get my boots on!’

She sat at the bottom of the stairs and pulled on bright green wellington boots that had comical frog eyes poking out over the toes.

Sydney stood behind her, looking awkwardly at Nathan.

‘Will I need boots, too?’ he asked.

She nodded. ‘It’s a working farm…so, yes.’

She watched as they both got ready, and it was so reminiscent of standing waiting for Olivia and Alastair to get ready so they could go out that she physically felt an ache in her chest.

They had been good together. Once. When she and Alastair had married she’d truly believed they would be in each other’s arms until their last days. Shuffling along together. One of those old couples you could see in parks, still holding hands.

But then it had all gone wrong.

Alastair hadn’t been able to cope with losing his little girl and he’d blamed her. For not noticing that Olivia was truly ill. For not acting sooner. The way he’d blanked her, directed his anger towards her, had hurt incredibly. The one time she’d needed her husband the most had been the one time he’d failed her completely.

When Nathan and Anna were both ready she hurried them out of the door and got them into her car.

‘Can you do your seatbelt, Anna?’

‘Yes!’ the little girl answered, beaming. ‘I can’t wait to ride the donkey! Did Daddy tell you I’m going to be Mary? That’s the most important part in the play. Well…except for baby Jesus…but that’s just going to be a doll, so…’ She trailed off.

Sydney smiled into the rearview mirror. How many times had she driven her car with Olivia babbling away in the back seat? Too many times. So often, in fact, that she would usually be thinking about all the things she had to do, tuning her daughter out, saying hmm…or right…in all the right places, whenever her daughter paused for breath.

And now…? With Anna chatting away…? She wanted to listen. Wanted to show Nathan’s little girl that she heard her.

I can’t believe I ignored my daughter! Even for a second!

How many times had she not truly listened? How many times had she not paid attention? Thinking that she had all the time in the world to talk to her whenever she wanted? To chat about things that hadn’t meant much to her but had meant the world to her daughter?

‘All eyes will be on you, Anna. I’m sure you’ll do a great job.’

Nathan glanced over at her. ‘I appreciate you arranging this. I don’t suppose you’re a dab hand with a sewing machine, are you?’

She was, actually. ‘Why?’

‘The costume for Mary is looking a bit old. The last incumbent seems to have dragged it through a dump before storing it away and now it looks awful. Miriam has suggested that I make another one.’

She glanced over at him. ‘And you said…?’

‘I said yes! But that was when I thought a bedsheet and a blue teacloth over the head was all that was needed.’

‘You know… I might still have Olivia’s old outfit. She played Mary one year.’

‘She did?’ Nathan was looking at her closely.

‘I still have some of her stuff in boxes in the attic. Couldn’t bear to part with it. Give me a day or two and I’ll check.’

‘That’s very kind of you.’

She kept her eyes on the road, trying not to think too hard about going up into the attic to open those boxes. Would the clothes still have Olivia’s scent? Would seeing them, touching them, be too painful? There was a reason they were still in the attic. Unsorted.

She’d boxed everything up one day, after a therapist at one of her grief counselling sessions had told her it might be a good thing to do. That it might be cathartic, or something.

It hadn’t been.

She’d felt that in boxing up her daughter’s clothes and putting them somewhere they couldn’t be seen she was also been getting rid of all traces of her daughter. That she was hiding Olivia’s memory away. And she’d not been ready. She’d drunk an awful lot of wine that night, and had staggered up into the attic to drag all the boxes back downstairs, but Alastair had stopped her. Yelled at her that it was a good thing, and that if she touched those boxes one more time then he would walk out the door.

She’d sobered up and the next morning had left the boxes up there—even though she’d felt bereft and distraught. And dreadfully hungover.

Alastair had left eventually, of course. Just not then. It had taken a few more weeks. By then it had been too late to drag the boxes back down. Too scary.

‘What was she like?’

‘Hmm?’ She was pulled back to the present by his question. ‘What?’

‘What was Olivia like?’ he asked again.

She glanced over at him quickly. He sounded as if he really wanted to know, and no one had asked her that question for years. All this time she’d stayed away from people, not making connections or getting close because she hadn’t wanted to talk about Olivia. It had been too painful. But now she wanted to talk about her. Was thrilled that he’d asked, because she was ready to talk about her. He’d made it easy to do so.

‘She was…amazing.’

‘Who’s Olivia?’ asked Anna from the back seat.

Sydney glanced in the rearview mirror once again and smiled.

The donkey was called Bert and he had a beautiful dark brown coat. The farmer had already got him saddled before their arrival and he stood waiting patiently, nibbling at some hay, as Sydney gave Anna instructions.

‘Okay, it’s quite simple, Anna. You don’t need Bert to go fast, so you don’t need to nudge him with your feet or kick at his sides. A slow plod is what we want, and Bert here is an expert at the slow plod and the Christmas nativity.’

‘Will he bite me?’

She shook her head. ‘No. He’s very gentle and he is used to children riding him. Shall I lift you into the saddle?’

Anna nodded.

Sydney hefted Anna up. ‘Put your hands here, on the pommel. I’ll lead him with the reins—the way we’ll get the boy playing Joseph to do it.’

‘Okay.’

‘Verbal commands work best, and Bert responds to Go on when you want him to start walking and Stop when you want him to stand still. Got that?’

Anna nodded again.

‘Why don’t you give that a try?’

Anna smiled. ‘Go on, Bert!’

Bert started moving.

‘He’s doing it, Sydney! He’s doing it! Look, Daddy—I’m riding!’

‘That’s brilliant, sweetheart.’

Sydney led Bert down the short side of the field. She turned to check on Anna. ‘That’s it. Keep your back straight…don’t slouch.’

They walked up and down. Up and down. Until Sydney thought Anna was ready to try and do it on her own. She’d certainly picked it up a lot more quickly than Olivia had!

‘Okay, Anna. Try it on your own. Head to the end of the field and use the reins to turn him and make him come back. Talk to him. Encourage him. Okay?’

She knew Anna could do it. The little girl had connected with the donkey in a way no other had, and the animal responded brilliantly to her. Sydney really didn’t think Anna would have a problem on the night of the nativity. Bert was putty in her hands.

They both stood and watched as Anna led Bert confidently away from them and down the field. Sydney almost felt proud. In fact, she was proud.

She became aware that Nathan was staring at her, and then suddenly, almost in a blink, she felt his fingers sliding around hers.

‘Thank you, Sydney.’

She turned to him and looked into his eyes. The intensity of the moment grew. It felt as if her heart had sped up but her breathing had got really slow. Her fingers in his felt protected and safe, and he stroked the back of her hand with his thumb in slow, sweeping strokes that were doing strange, chaotic things to her insides, turning her legs to jelly.

‘What for?’ she managed to say.

‘For helping me when it’s difficult for you. I appreciate the time you’re giving me and my daughter. I…’

He stopped talking as he took a step closer to her, and as he drew near her breathing stopped completely and she looked up into his handsome blue eyes.

He’s going to kiss me!

Hadn’t she thought about this? Hadn’t she wondered what it might be like? Hadn’t she missed the physical contact that came with being in a relationship? And now here was this man—this incredibly attractive man—holding her hand and making her stomach do twirls and swirls as his lips neared hers, as he leaned in for a kiss…

Sydney closed her eyes, awaiting the press of his lips against hers.

Only there was no kiss.

She felt him pull his hand free from hers and heard him clearing his throat and apologising before he called out, ‘You’re doing brilliantly, Anna! Turn him round now—come on. We need to go home.’

Sydney blinked. What had happened? He’d been about to kiss her, hadn’t he? And she’d stood there, like an idiot, waiting for him to do it.

How embarrassing!

Anna brought Bert to a halt beside them, beaming widely.

‘I think that’s enough for today. You’ve done really well, Anna.’

Anna beamed as her father helped her off the donkey, and then she ran straight to Sydney and wrapped her arms around her. ‘Thanks, Sydney! You’re the best!’

Sydney froze at the unexpected hug, but then she relaxed and hugged the little girl back, swallowing back her surprise and…for some reason…her tears. ‘So are you.’

The farmer took Bert back to his field with the other donkeys, once he’d removed the saddle and tack, and Sydney and Anna said goodbye. Then they all got back into Sydney’s car and she started to drive them home.

‘Thank you for…er…what you’ve done for Anna today,’ said Nathan.

She took a breath and bit back the retort she wanted to give. ‘No problem.’

‘You know…taking time out of your weekend…’

‘Sydney could stay for dinner, couldn’t she Daddy? We’re having fajitas!’ Anna invited from the back.

She would have loved nothing more than to stay. Her time spent with Anna had been wonderful, and the times when she’d looked across at Nathan and caught him looking at her had been weirdly wonderful and exciting too.

But after what had just happened—the almost-kiss… He’d been going to do it. She knew it! But something had stopped him. Had got in the way.

Was it because he’d suddenly remembered Anna was there? Had he not wanted to risk his daughter seeing them kissing? Or was it something else?

She was afraid of getting carried away and reading too much into this situation. She’d helped out. That was all. She’d felt a connection that Nathan hadn’t. Getting too involved with this single dad was perhaps a step too far. Where would it end? If she spent too much time with them, where would she be?

She shivered, even though the car heater was pumping out plenty of hot air. ‘I’m sorry, I can’t. I’ve got a…a thing later.’

‘Maybe another time?’ Nathan suggested, looking embarrassed.

As well you might!

‘Sure.’

There can’t ever be another time, no.

She watched them clamber from her car when she dropped them off. Nathan lingered at the open window of the car, as if he had something else to say, but then he looked away and simply said goodbye, before following his daughter up the path.

Sydney drove off before he could turn around and say anything else.

I really like them. Both of them.

But was it what they represented that she liked? This dad. This little girl. They were a ready-made family. Being with them might give her back some of what she’d lost. They offered a chance of starting again. So was it the situation that she liked? Or them as individuals?

Nathan was great. Gorgeous, charming, someone she enjoyed being around. And Anna was cute as a button, with her sing-song voice and happy-go-lucky personality.

Was it wrong to envy them? To envy them because they still had each other?

Was it wrong to have wanted—to have craved—Nathan’s kiss?

Feeling guilty, she drove home, and she was just about to park up when she got a text. A cat was having difficulties giving birth and she needed to get to the surgery immediately to prep for a Caesarean section.

Suddenly all business—which was easy because she knew what she was doing—she turned the car around and drove to the surgery.

Nathan sent Anna upstairs to get changed into some clean clothes that didn’t smell of donkey and farm. Then he headed into the kitchen, switching on the kettle and sinking into a chair as he waited for it to boil.

What the hell had he done?

Something crazy—something not him—had somehow slipped through his defences and he’d found himself taking hold of Sydney’s hand, staring into her sad grey eyes. And he had been about to kiss her!

Okay, so he’d been fighting that urge for a while, and it was hardly a strange impulse, but he had thought that he’d got those impulses under control.

Standing there, looking down into her face, at her smooth skin, her slightly rosy cheeks, those soft, inviting lips, he’d wanted to so badly! And she’d wanted him to do it. He’d wanted to, but…

But Anna hadn’t been far away, and he’d suddenly heard that horrid voice in his head that still sounded remarkably like Gwyneth, telling him that no one, and especially not Sydney, would want him. Not with his faulty, failing body. Not with his bad genes. Not with a child who wasn’t hers…

How could he ask her to take on that burden—especially with the threat of his MS always present? He knew the chances of the MS killing him were practically zero. Okay, there would be difficulties, and there would be complications—there might even be comorbidities such as thyroid disease, autoimmune conditions or a meningioma. But the MS on its own…? It was unlikely.

But it had been enough to make him hesitate. To think twice. And once he’d paused too long he’d known it was too late to kiss her so he’d stepped away. Had called out to Anna…said they needed to go.

Sydney deserved a strong man. A man who would look out for her and care for her and protect her. What if he couldn’t do that?

Fear. That was what it had been. Fear of putting himself out there. Of getting involved. Of exposing himself to the hurt and pain that Gwyneth had caused once. How could he go through again? How could he expose Anna to that now that she was older? She would be aware now if she grew to love someone and then that someone decided it was all too much and wanted out.

Anna being a baby had protected her from the pain of losing her mother. And today he had saved himself from finding out if he could be enough for someone like Sydney. Gwyneth had made him doubt what he had to offer. She had probably been right in what she’d said. He didn’t know what his future would be like. He couldn’t be certain, despite trying his best to remain positive. But it was hard sometimes. Dealing with a chronic illness…sometimes it could get to you.

The kettle boiled and he slowly made himself a cup of tea. He heard Anna come trotting back down the stairs and she came into the kitchen.

‘Can I have a biscuit, Daddy?’

‘Just one.’

She reached into the biscuit barrel and took out a plain biscuit. ‘I loved riding Bert. He was so cute! I love donkeys. Do you love donkeys, Daddy?’

He thought for a moment. ‘I do. Especially Bert.’

She smiled at him, crumbs dropping onto the floor. ‘And do you love Sydney?’

His gaze swung straight round to his daughter’s face. ‘What?’

‘I think you like her.’

‘What makes you say that?’ he asked in a strangled voice.

‘Your eyes go all funny.’ She giggled. ‘Joshua in my class—he looks at Gemma like that and he loves her. They’re boyfriend and girlfriend.’

Nathan cleared his throat. ‘Aren’t they a little young to be boyfriend and girlfriend?’

Anna shrugged, and then skipped off into the other room. He heard the television go on.

She noticed quite a lot, did Anna.

Curious, he followed her through to the lounge and stood and watched her for a moment as she chose a channel to watch.

‘Anna?’

‘Yes?’

‘If I did like Sydney…how would you feel about that?’

Anna tilted her head to one side and smiled, before turning back to the television. ‘Fine. Then you wouldn’t be all alone.’

Nathan stared at his daughter. And smiled.