The Great Village Show

‘Ha-ha, very funny,’ I smirk. ‘And just look at how he’s sitting.’ I tap the laptop screen where the film is paused, showing Dan on the TV sofa with his legs wide open.

‘Sitting?’ Lawrence laughs harder. ‘What does that have to do with anything?’

‘Everything! He’s a spreader. And spreaders are inconsiderate, with no respect for personal space,’ I inform him, sounding far haughtier than I actually intended to. I cringe inwardly.

‘Ha! Well yes, I can see what you mean. But honestly, I’ve not seen him sitting like that at the breakfast table – in fact I think he had his legs firmly crossed, and on the few occasions when we’ve chatted, he actually seemed quite nice. Plus, you have to agree, you aren’t exactly spoilt for choice when it comes to meeting a new man here in Tindledale.’

‘Hmm, this is very true,’ I say, loath to agree, but Lawrence has a very valid point. I grew up with most of the Tindledale men – went to school with them – so any charm or sexual attraction they might have had got lost somewhere along the way, likely when they were busy picking their noses in class or attempting a snog at the end-of-year disco, having scoffed all the prawn cocktail crisps from the finger buffet only moments earlier. Eugh. No, the mystique and magic just isn’t happening. ‘Anyway, like I say, I really can’t be bothered with all that.’

‘Truly? Isn’t it what we all want? To love and be loved! Oh come on, Meg, wouldn’t it be brilliant for you to be wined and dined? A gorgeous creature like you with your peaches-and-cream complexion and curves in all the right places …’ He grins, sounding very corny indeed.

‘Oh stop it, you old smoothy,’ I laugh, giving his arm an affectionate bat.

‘Weell, it’s true, and how marvellous would it be … swept off your feet and whisked away to his restaurant in Mayfair? Very romantic! And he has three Michelin stars, so you’d know you’d be in for a gourmet treat,’ Lawrence adds, brightly, for good measure.

‘Maybe, but what’s he even doing here in Tindledale?’

‘Good point …’ Lawrence pauses. ‘I actually don’t know …’ He looks thoughtful.

‘Ooh, you’re slipping, Lawrence,’ I tut, pretending to admonish him. ‘I’d have thought you would have found out by now – you usually know everything that’s going on in the village.’

‘Are you implying that I’m a gossip?’ He feigns hurt.

‘Of course not, but it’s true, you do often seem to know stuff.’

‘That’s because people confide in me – I can’t help that,’ he smiles, pausing to contemplate, and then adds, ‘There is a rumour going around that Dan is here scouting out the village with a view to opening a new restaurant.’

‘Really? And do you think that might be the case? Has he said anything about it? But where?’ I ask, racking my brains to think of a suitable spot for a high-end restaurant somewhere in the village. There are a couple of empty places – the one next to the fruit & veg shop is probably too small, and there’s definitely a rodent problem in there – I saw the pest control man’s van outside there just last week. But then it’s inevitable in the countryside with all the fields around us; I often have to put the mice powder down to stop them overtaking my cottage.

‘The shop at the end overlooking the village green is reasonably sized,’ Lawrence suggests.

‘Oooh, yes. And it’s double fronted, with lots of space to sit outside, which would be nice in this gorgeous warm weather, and very cosmopolitan, I imagine – sitting underneath a parasol enjoying an expensive bottle of wine with a ten-course tasting meal – that’s what they have in London …’

‘Hmm, but Tindledale is hardly Mayfair.’ Lawrence pulls a face.

‘True. And my fizzy elderflower wine is definitely not a fine Sancerre.’ We both sit silently for a few seconds, pondering the possibilities. ‘But, we have the village green right opposite – perfect for when the movie stars and celebrities helicopter in for their fine dining experience. And I’m sure your actor friends will come. You could call Dame Judi – or what about Helen? You said that she’s a great dinner companion.’

‘Ha!’ Lawrence laughs. ‘But we mustn’t get ahead of ourselves,’ he adds, always the voice of caution. ‘Dan Wright hasn’t actually said anything to me about a new restaurant. We are just speculating. But if he is planning on opening one here, then even better – he can appoint a manager, a head chef or whatever, at The Fatted Calf in London, and then move here. Then you can both live happily ever after together in Tindledale,’ Lawrence finishes with a flourish, ever the romantic, having seemingly worked it all out.

‘Hold on, slow down a minute. It’s nice of you to be so concerned about my love life … or rather lack of,’ I smile wryly. ‘But honestly, I’m fine as I am. I love my friends, my home and my life. And anyway, neither of us will have any time for distractions for the foreseeable future. We have a village show to organise.’

‘That’s true,’ Lawrence says thoughtfully, then suddenly leaps in the air, terrifying Blue, who scampers under the table. ‘I have a plan!’ Lawrence is now channelling John Gielgud – or is it Brian Blessed?

‘You do?’ I ask, eagerly.

‘I most certainly do. Listen Meg.’

‘I’m listening,’ I say, rescuing Blue and stroking his velvety soft ear.

‘Good. Here goes,’ he pauses for impact, ‘we make sure that Tindledale puts on the greatest show of its life!’ Lawrence is pacing around the kitchen now.

‘But what difference will that make to the school?’ I ask, standing up too.

‘Meeeeeg, don’t you see?’ He stops pacing, enthusiasm flooding his voice now.

‘See what?’ I ask, reaching for the wine to top us both up.

‘This is the perfect opportunity.’

‘What is?’

‘Weeeell,’ he starts elaborating slowly, as if formulating the plan in his head as he goes. ‘If this year’s village show is great, we’ll make it into the top ten list in the national newspaper and the whole country will see how wonderful Tindledale is – the perfect place to live! Then everyone will be looking at your school on the Internet … you do have a website, I take it?’ He looks panic-stricken for a brief moment. I nod. The council organised it years ago and it’s very basic, but I reckon I could get it updated. ‘Good, because, let’s face it, every parent wants the best school for their child, sooooo everyone will then want to live here – FAMILIES, with LOTS OF CHILDREN to fill your school. Yes, it’s the perfect solution.’

We stare at each other.

‘And if there’s a Michelin-starred restaurant here too … all the better!’ I jump in, ‘because everyone loves good food – and you could do gourmet weekend breaks, maybe culinary courses too; you could ask Dan to help out – use his restaurant kitchen, perhaps. And soon your B&B will be booked up indefinitely, and with a very long waiting list to boot.’

‘And Kitty and all the other businesses in the village will be thrilled too,’ Lawrence nods, enthusiastically.

‘Yes! Outstanding school. Outstanding food. Outstanding pub, tearoom, butcher’s, baker’s, and all the other stuff the great village of Tindledale has to show for itself … We have the lot,’ I say, my voice brimming with excitement now, helped along by the fizz we’ve been consuming. ‘They’ll be beating a path here to Tindledale in no time, and the Great Village Show will save my great village school – you just wait and see!’

As I duck down under the beam above the Duck & Puddle’s gnarled old oak entrance door, I can see that there’s quite a crowd gathered already – by the looks of it, most of the villagers are crammed into the compact but cosy space. Some are even hovering by the hatch in the snug at the end of the bar that doubles as the pub shop, selling essentials such as sweets, crisps, cigarettes, milk, magazines, eggs, bread, firelighters, logs, lighter fuel, that kind of thing.

‘All right, Miss?’ one of the farmer boys grins, giving me a big wink as I walk past, while his two mates snigger and nudge each other in the background. I try not to smile at their juvenility, and keep my scary teacher face firmly in place as I overhear them pondering the merits of adding TILF to their list of acronyms.

Cher, the landlady, repatriates a stray tendril of hair back into her treacle-coloured beehive before clapping her hands together and hollering from behind the bar in her Cockney accent.

‘Ladies and gents, children and dogs.’ Molly coughs from over by the inglenook fireplace where she’s standing with her pet ferret in her arms – it’s wearing a little leather harness and looks unfazed as it nestles into the crook of her elbow. Cooper, her husband, who owns the village butcher’s, glances sideways at her before shaking his head with an exasperated look on his face, which we all know is just for effect as he absolutely adores his wife and would never begrudge her a pet ferret. ‘Ooops, sorry … and ferrets!’ Cher continues, and we all laugh before doing lots of ‘shushes’ and whispered nods of ‘hi’ and ‘hello’ as more people arrive. ‘Welcome to the first Great Village Show meeting …’ Cher twiddles a sparkly red-varnished fingertip around the inside of her huge gold hoop earring. ‘There’s plenty of space in our new beer garden … so if you’d like to go through,’ Cher motions to a door with GARDEN written on it in swirly writing on a little wooden plaque, ‘and Clive has laid on some nibbles which we’ll bring out to you with our compliments.’

‘Round of applause for Sonny!’ one of the farmer boys shouts from over by the darts board – clearly Cher’s boyfriend’s nickname is here to stay. I remember when Cher first arrived in Tindledale, not very long ago, to take over the running of the Duck & Puddle pub – of course the whole village was curious to see who she was (the older men of the village wanting to know if she was actually up to the job, what with her being a woman and all – they were used to Ray, an ex-policeman, running the pub for thirty years before he died). And they promptly renamed Cher’s boyfriend Sonny, thinking it hilarious to sing ‘I Got You Babe’ at any given opportunity. So Clive, also known as Sonny, answers to both names now. Being the pub chef, he is probably one of the most popular people in the village, especially on a Sunday when the bowls of salted pork crackling and goose-fat roast potatoes appear on the bar for people to pick at over their pints.

‘Now, what can I get you all to drink?’ Cher shouts, and there’s practically a stampede as the entire pub crowd surges forward to buy big jugs of Pimm’s garnished with cucumber and strawberries and flagons of frothy ice-cold cider – it’s such a lovely early summer evening, so it would be a shame not to make the most of it.

Twenty minutes later, and we’re all milling around in the beer garden, the warm evening air full with the scent of citronella from the candles dotted around to keep the mosquitoes at bay. A variety of dogs are scooting about, and what seems like all of my schoolchildren are bouncing up and down on the inflatable castle that Cher has kindly supplied to keep them occupied while the adults get on with the meeting.

‘Hi Miss Singer,’ several of the children chorus, as I walk past looking for a space at one of the wooden bench tables.

‘Hello, are you all having a fun time?’ I smile, lifting my glass of Pimm’s out of the way to give Lily a big hug as she jumps off the bouncy castle and practically launches herself into my body; her skinny arms curled tight around me, clinging on to my sundress, seeking out affection. Waist height, I rest my free hand on her blonde, curly hair before gently unfurling her arms and crouching down to look her in the eye. ‘Is your daddy here with you this evening?’ I ask tentatively, wondering how Mark, our village policeman, is bearing up – it’s only six months since his wife, Polly, passed away after losing her battle with breast cancer. Lily nods and points to the far side of the beer garden where a gaunt-looking Mark is standing with his hands in his jeans pockets and a lonesome look in his eyes. ‘That’s nice, isn’t it?’ I say brightly, pleased for Lily that she hasn’t had to come along with one of her friends’ mums again, because Mark wasn’t up to socialising. Lily nods enthusiastically, giving me a big gappy grin.

‘Daddy said Mummy is going to send the tooth fairy to collect my teeth tonight and take them up to her in heaven so she can look after them.’

‘Oh,’ I gulp, and then quickly add, ‘well that’s very kind,’ followed by a big smile, not wanting the brave little girl in front of me to see my anguish for her. It’s been a tough time for her at school, with many occasions spent crying in my office or with her class teacher asking my advice on whether or not to reprimand Lily for lashing out at another child – there was an incident shortly after Mother’s Day, but the softly-softly, lots-of-love approach seems to be working fine: Lily is a lot less angry than she was, not so very long ago.

‘Yes,’ she nods some more. ‘My mummy is the best one in the whole world and the good thing about her being in heaven is that she gets to see me all the time.’ And with that, Lily squeezes my hand, turns on her heels and does a running body-slam back on to the bouncy castle, leaving me reflecting that children are often so much more resilient than we sometimes give them credit for.

Taking a sip of my Pimm’s, I head over to Mark, who looks as though he has the weight of the world on his shoulders. He lifts his head when I reach him.

‘Hi Meg, how are things at the school?’ he asks in a monotone voice, as if on autopilot and reading from a script he prepared earlier.

‘Fine,’ I hesitate momentarily, ‘yes, all good, thanks for asking,’ I reply, figuring a little white lie won’t hurt; I imagine he has enough worries without me adding to them. ‘Um, I just bumped into Lily, she seems to be having a lovely time on the bouncy castle with her school friends,’ I add, gesturing over my shoulder, feeling unsure, really, of what else to say. I take another mouthful of my drink.

‘Yes, it’s nice to see. And how is she getting on at school these days?’ He turns his head sideways towards me before lifting a hand from his pocket to sweep over his bald head. He looks tired, his eyes lacking lustre – rather like a neglected Labrador; in need of comfort and affection, just like his daughter. I resist the urge to put my arms around him and pat his head.

‘Good, she’s been much …’ I pause to choose the right word, ‘calmer,’ I settle on, feeling relieved when Mark exhales and his shoulders visibly relax.

‘Pleased to hear it. Pol and I—’ He stops talking abruptly and lifts an empty pint glass from a nearby table. ‘Sorry, force of habit,’ he shrugs and stares into the glass.

‘Hey, no need to apologise.’ An ominous silence follows. ‘I miss her too,’ I manage, softly, remembering my friend with a deep fondness. We grew up together. Her dad was the pharmacist in the village chemist’s until he retired and moved with her mum to a house by the sea.

‘Sure, and I forget that sometimes,’ Mark says quietly. ‘You know, that other people loved her too.’

‘We all did. And still do, very much.’ I touch his arm. ‘And how are things for you?’

‘Getting better, thanks. I’m back at work now, which makes a big difference, occupies the mind. My mum is helping out with childcare and the job are being very accommodating – letting me take Lily to school and stuff,’ he explains. But how will he manage if school is suddenly seven miles away? I wonder. Or will Lily be expected to travel on the bus by herself? ‘And I’m glad Lily is OK at school – it’s made the last year or so slightly easier to bear, knowing that she’s just down the hill with people, friends of Pol’s, who care about her, look out for her.’ A short silence follows. ‘It was Pol’s wish for things to stay as “normal” for Lily as possible,’ he says, smiling wryly.

‘Of course,’ I say, averting my gaze, desperately wishing the ones in charge of the purse strings at the council could take into account just how important our little school is to the community. It’s so much more than just educating the children, my school is like a pot of glue, keeping the community intact – or helping to stick it back together again. ‘Can I get you a drink?’ I say, motioning with my head towards his glass.

‘No, just the one for me, I’m on duty tomorrow.’ He leans in to give me a polite kiss on the cheek. ‘Better find Lily before the meeting gets under way.’ And he goes to leave.

‘Sure. And Mark,’ I add. He turns back. ‘If you ever want to chat … about how Lily is getting on, or Polly, or just, well, anything at all … you know where I am.’ Mark nods before going to round up Lily.

Dr Ben steps into the patch of grass at the centre of the tables and coughs to get everyone’s attention. The crowd immediately stops talking and turns their attention to the esteemed village GP.

‘Firstly, I’d like to say thank you to you all for giving up your evening to come along—’

‘Least we can do, doc,’ someone interrupts, followed by lots of ‘hear hears’, which makes Dr Ben’s cheeks flush slightly as he pushes his glasses further up his nose. He clears his throat before continuing. ‘You’re all very kind,’ he says graciously, in his lovely lilting Irish accent. ‘And this is the first time I’ve been fully involved in anything like this, so I’m really looking forward to seeing how it’s done,’ he says tactfully, pausing to glance reverently at the table where six or so stalwarts of the Women’s Institute are seated, each wearing the obligatory uniform of pastel-coloured cardy twin-set teamed with easy-fit jeans. They each nod and give him knowing looks, as if confirming their allegiance, but most importantly, their solid experience in matters such as village fetes, fairs, shows and such-like – a nationally judged show clearly being like water off a duck’s back for them, thank you very much – and they’re only here to ensure proceedings are conducted in an efficient manner. I smile and look over at another table to see Mrs Pocket and the parish council contingency bristling when Dr Ben fails to glance at them as well, and groan inwardly. Ahh, so the battle has already commenced! WI versus parish council – each of them already assumes that they should head up the Great Village Show committee. Talking of committees, Dr Ben continues:

‘I’m wondering if we should start off by selecting a committee panel to oversee each of the show’s elements.’ Sybs rummages through a folder in front of her before handing Dr Ben a sheet of paper. ‘Thank you.’ He winks at Sybs and I’m sure I spot a couple of my school mums bristling – they’d clearly been quite smitten when Dr Ben first arrived in Tindledale to take over the surgery from Dr Donnelly, and were then most put out when it became apparent that newcomer, Sybs, had ‘snared’ him, as I overheard them describe it, having only been here ‘for like five minutes’. Oh well. I was delighted for Sybs: she deserves to find her happy-ever-after as much as the next person. ‘I took the liberty of downloading all of the criteria from the National Village Show Committee website, and it seems that there are three main areas we need to focus on …’

‘The three Cs,’ someone shouts out. Followed by, ‘That’s right, I remember from last time – they stand for community, creativity, and, err, um … Oh, I can’t remember the other one,’ bellowed by Lucy, who owns the florist’s in the High Street.

‘That’s right. The third C is civic duty,’ Dr Ben says, reading it from the paperwork.

‘We’ll be in charge of that one,’ harrumphs a pompous-looking man with a long nose and flared nostrils. He leans back from the parish council table to adjust his braces. I’ve never seen him before. But it’s no surprise, as villagers old and new always come out of the woodwork whenever there’s a big event like this to be organised.

‘Hang on a minute. Wouldn’t it be better to vote on it, get an idea of who wants to be involved in what?’ Molly says, after glaring at the pompous guy. ‘Take Sybs, for example: she should be in charge of the creative element … seeing as she runs the haberdashery shop and is good at knitting and quilting and making stuff look pretty … The High Street would look beautiful with some of her floral bunting buffeting in the breeze between the lampposts,’ she adds brightly.

‘What’s that got to do with it?’ the pompous guy pipes up again. ‘Does she know how to thatch a roof? That’s what I want to know. Nope! Now that’s a proper creative master skill, not fiddling around with bits of bunting.’ He flares his nostrils out a little further and some of the others seated at his table begin to bristle. ‘The judges aren’t going to be bothered by all those gimmicky things,’ he ploughs on. ‘What we need is to tidy up the verges. Have you seen the state of them? Tyre marks all over the grass outside my cottage! It’s a disgrace.’

‘Well, I agree with Molly,’ Ruby from the vintage dress shop interjects, smoothing her scarlet, shoulder-length Dita Von Teese-style hair into place while treating the pompous guy to a very disdainful glower, her cherry-red lips poised for a comeback if he so much as dares to heckle further. I resist the urge to smirk by stirring my Pimm’s and then drinking a big mouthful as I take in what’s going on around me. The remonstrating and arguing about trivial details goes on until someone brings up the marrow incident, which doesn’t help, and then Pete jumps in and it really kicks off.

‘Those tyre marks will be from my tractor!’ he states to nobody in particular, as if deliberately, and quite mischievously, meaning to escalate the matter, before draining the last of his cider. He wipes his mouth with the shoulder part of his shirt and then pulls open a bag of cheese & onion crisps, as if he hasn’t a care in the world, which rankles the pompous guy further. He’s up on his feet now, with the sides of his jacket pushed back so he can plant his hands firmly on his hips, showing us he’s ready for action.

‘Ahh, so you’re the culprit. Well it won’t do – I’ve a good mind to place some boulders around my borders,’ the pompous guy retaliates. ‘That’ll stop you in your tracks.’

Cue a collective snigger from the farmers’ table, followed by: ‘I could supply you with a sack of coal if you like – you could paint all the lumps white and then pop them around your borders,’ from John, who owns the hardware store on the Stoneley Road – and always has a mountain of logs and sacks of coal in the open lock-up adjacent to his place.

‘Good idea, that should do the trick,’ the pompous guy puffs, and I figure that he must be a newcomer as he’s utterly unaware that they’re pulling his leg now by goading him with their ‘coal-painter’ jibes, a local euphemism for the ‘townies’ who keep a country cottage in Tindledale for the weekends, but haven’t a clue when it comes to rural life. Tractors mounting verges is just the way it is here; the lanes are just so narrow and winding in parts of the village that it’d be impossible for Pete, or any of the other farmers for that matter, to transport their cattle or crates of apples around the place.

‘Or what about some nice painted pebbles?’ Molly pipes up again, making the farmers chortle some more. But one of the WI ladies has had enough and butts in with:

‘Never mind securing your borders, what the community would like to know is: when are you going to trim your bush!’ And she extends a very accusatory index finger in Molly’s direction.

A flabbergasted silence ensues. Even Pete stops crunching his crisps and stares open-mouthed.

‘Um, I, err … beg your pardon,’ Molly eventually manages to splutter, as Cooper shoves a fist into his mouth and silently laughs himself into a hernia, making his shoulders jig up and down uncontrollably.

‘That bush of yours really needs attention.’ Oh dear, Lawrence catches my eye and pulls an exaggerated aghast face. I have to look away before I burst into laughter too, and that would never do – I’m conscious that a reporter from the Tindledale Herald is sitting a few feet away from me, and the last thing I’d want is him reporting on the first committee meeting with tales of how ‘even the headmistress laughed along to the juvenile, school-playground-style jokes’. The WI woman ploughs on, seemingly oblivious to the mirth she’s causing.

‘Yes, it’s so unruly, the path outside your house is practically impassable – my husband had to steer his motorised scooter right out into the road, just to get past. It’s a wonder he wasn’t mown down by one of Pete’s verge-mounting tractors. No, your bush is a disgrace and must go before the judges arrive on show day!’

‘Well, there’s no need to be quite so “personal” about it,’ Molly manages to squeak, barely able to speak properly for trying not to howl with laughter. But it’s no use, and she caves in. And then Sybs joins in, and soon everyone is screaming, tears of laughter rolling down their cheeks as the WI woman stalks off inside, muttering something about needing a double whisky, for medicinal purposes. I take a deep breath and keep on observing – it was inevitable, I guess – thirty minutes in, and the villagers are already like squabbling ducks; they just can’t help themselves from falling out, or making mischief. They’re still laughing and the pompous man, it turns out, is a pensioned general, ex-army, and moved here last month for some ‘much-needed R&R’, according to Marigold, who’s sitting opposite me.

Lawrence looks over and motions with his head for me to rescue Dr Ben, who is now hijacked in a debate about the therapeutic powers of wild honey and whether it might be a good idea to have a stall set up on the day with a working hive on display for the judges to try some out for themselves. The health-and-safety implications are being mulled over, with somebody actually suggesting the parish council would need to stump up a budget for ‘protective clothing’, which doesn’t go down very well at all. Especially as Mrs Gibbs is still waiting for a decision about her request for a rubbish bin to be placed in the layby outside her house – it drives her mad when louts hurl their empty lager cans from car windows when passing through our lovely little village.

Unable to sit and watch the fiasco unfolding before me for any longer, I stand up and walk over to the crowd that’s formed around Dr Ben, lift my elbows, and muscle my way in, before surreptitiously leaning into his left shoulder.

‘Do you mind if I step in?’ I ask discreetly.

‘Be my guest,’ Dr Ben says, giving me a very grateful grin as he hands the paperwork over to me. ‘I’m so glad you’re here; we really need someone used to taking charge,’ he adds, wasting no time in joining Sybs back on the bench.

‘OK, if I can have everyone’s attention please,’ I say in my best school assembly voice, and then count to five in my head. It works: the children on the castle stop bouncing right away, of course. Even the dogs seem to settle down, and eventually the adults stop bickering amongst themselves, the crowd dissipates back to the benches to finish the last of the cheesy chips and everyone turns their attention to me. ‘Wonderful. And thank you. Now, as Dr Ben said, it’s great to see everyone here and I can see how enthusiastic you all are, but we really have no time to spare if we’re to stand a chance of Tindledale putting on a really great show this year! On …’ I pause to scan the papers and see which date we’ve been allocated, and then I spot it. My pulse speeds up. Oh dear. ‘July 11th!’ Right before the end of the school term, but Jack will be home then for the gloriously long summer holidays. And my heart lifts at the prospect of having him around for a couple of months.

The crowd falls silent. Nobody moves.

‘But that’s only,’ Lawrence pulls out his pocket diary, ‘six weeks away!’ he says after thumbing through the pages to check. There’s a collective inward gasp.

‘Um, yes, err, I’m very sorry, it’s my fault,’ Dr Ben raises his hand in the air. ‘I sent off the application form quite some time ago and, well, I—’

‘Don’t you worry, doc,’ Tommy Prendergast, who runs the village store, quickly pitches in, pulling himself upright with a very staunch look on his face. ‘We won’t let you down.’ He’s busy retucking his shirt back in around his rotund waist when everyone joins him in supporting the revered village GP.

‘Hear hear! Can’t blame the doc. He’s a busy man. We’d be lost without him …’ As ever, Dr Ben can do no wrong as far as all the villagers are concerned, and they certainly all seem committed to putting on a great show in record time. And what perfect timing, as now the school inspectors can really get to see what the village is all about. In fact, I’m going to invite them along to our Great Village Show – maybe we could get one of those boards with circle cut-outs for them to put their faces through while the villagers throw wet sponges, like they do at the seaside. I bet that would raise a few laughs amongst the community. JOKE.

‘OK, everyone,’ I say, refocusing us all. ‘So I reckon we should just get on with it.’ I glance around, and great, they’re all listening. ‘Let’s have three committees working in tandem, with weekly meetings. Then we can convene a meeting for the whole village at regular intervals. I’m happy to put together and communicate a set of dates and times, locations, etc. I could pin a list on the notice board in the village square.’ I quickly pause and look at Sybs for confirmation, not wanting to step on her toes, but by the look of the big grin on her face, she seems perfectly happy for me to take charge, so I carry on. ‘Yes, and Tindledale needs to look its very best before show day, just in case the judges arrive a few days earlier, as they’ve been known to in the past.’