Motherhood Without Parole

“The kids will be home next Monday,” Paul said.

Kate nodded. Eight days. She could do this. Now was not the time to dwell on the fact that the only living things that had ever been in her care were some exotic fish that had added color to her condo. Until she’d accidentally knocked the heater into the aquarium and electrocuted them all in mere minutes.

“I don’t want them to visit me, Kate. I just can’t imagine them in these surroundings.” He ran his hands over his face. “Haven’t they been through enough in their young lives without seeing their old man—”

Startled by the raw vulnerability in his tone, she rushed to reassure her husband. “I understand. Maybe writing you letters would be less traumatic than visiting you here.”

Looking at the haunted eyes of the man she loved, Kate vowed to be the best stepmother possible. Realistically it was the only thing she could do to help Paul. For the next four to five months, she was all the parent those children had.

Thank God kids were more resilient than tropical fish.

Tanya Michaels

Tanya Michaels can’t remember a time when she didn’t want to be a writer. She finished her first illustrated “book” at the age of nine and is now the award-winning author of over a dozen romance and women’s fiction novels. Tanya has been nominated for numerous honors, including Romance Writers of America’s prestigious RITA^® Award and several Readers’ Choice and Reviewers’ Choice Awards. She currently resides in Georgia, where she’s living out her version of happily ever after with her husband and two children. Visit her home on the Web at www.tanyamichaels.com.

Motherhood Without Parole

Tanya Michaels

www.millsandboon.co.uk

MILLS & BOON

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From the Author

Dear Reader,

I have two jobs—writer and mother. Reference books have been published on both subjects. Support groups exist for both. But there’s really no substitute for hands-on experience! As difficult as parenting can sometimes be for any mom, no matter how prepared she is, I began to imagine a woman with zero prior experience who becomes a stepmother, joining a family “already in progress.”

What would that be like? And what if, soon after her becoming a stepmom, the children’s father was temporarily out of the picture, leaving her to learn the ropes on her own? (Suddenly the challenges I occasionally face in my own role as Mommy looked a lot simpler.)

Meet Kate St. James, the result of all my what-ifs. I hope you enjoy her story of becoming part of a family and her realization that there are all kinds of success in the world, some harder to measure than others but infinitely rewarding. Watch for her friend Delia’s story, Motherhood Without Warning, in 2007! More details about that book, as well as my other releases and reader giveaways, are available at www.tanyamichaels.com.

Happy reading!

Tanya

Thanks to all the readers and reviewers who

have let me know how much they enjoy my work.

You truly make the tough days worth it! And special

thanks to Anna DeStefano, who’s been there for every

career and motherhood challenge I’ve faced,

always willing to brainstorm, encourage and

discuss hilarious GFY and TWoP posts.

CONTENTS

PROLOGUE

CHAPTER 1

CHAPTER 2

CHAPTER 3

CHAPTER 4

CHAPTER 5

CHAPTER 6

CHAPTER 7

CHAPTER 8

CHAPTER 9

CHAPTER 10

CHAPTER 11

CHAPTER 12

CHAPTER 13

CHAPTER 14

CHAPTER 15

CHAPTER 16

CHAPTER 17

PROLOGUE

My first Valentine’s Day as a married woman. Forty-two-year-old Kate St. James stood barefoot in the modern kitchen, theoretically tackling an impromptu romantic breakfast while her husband, Paul, showered. In reality, Kate had barely glanced at the cookbook lying open on the kitchen island. Having not partaken in her morning caffeine rituals—the dark roast was still brewing—she’d been staring contentedly into space.

Mooning, her friend Delia would scoff. Fast-talking businesswoman Delia Carlisle was not prone to romantic sentiment. Then again, Kate hadn’t been either until a couple of years ago. Until Paul St. James.

A well-paid technical writer in Richmond, Virginia, Kate had always been analytical and goal-oriented: Escape the Dallas neighborhood on the wrong side of Harry Hines Boulevard and her cloying, opportunistic mother. Check. Get an MBA. Check. Climb the career ladder until she was comfortably secure and self-sufficient. Check. By forty, Kate had accomplished enough of her personal objectives to consider finally making more time for a personal life. Especially one that included Paul, a handsome widower and CEO.

When their paths had first crossed two years ago, she’d taken only passing notice of the soft-spoken man still mourning his late wife. He and Kate ran in similar circles with mutual acquaintances, though, and eventually formed an attraction neither could ignore. Paul told her once that he’d been drawn to her strength, a welcome change from those who first noticed Kate’s looks. On her part, she’d been impressed with Paul’s sense of balance. She’d always been something of a loner, whereas he seemed to have well-rounded relationships and a laudable ability to thrive in the business world without resorting to cutthroat tactics. They’d married a month and a half ago, ringing in the New Year with an elegant evening wedding before Paul’s children returned to their prestigious New England boarding school.

Children. Kate caught herself anxiously twisting the wedding band on her finger. Dropping her hands to her sides, she took deep breaths and conjured confidence. It was going to be fine.

She had endured a pressure-filled childhood and a mother most charitably described as “less than nurturing.”

She had persevered her third year of college after ugly rumors of her sleeping with a popular professor had led him to leave his position.

She was fluent in programming languages, dealt with tight deadlines with poise and excelled in a field dominated by men.

She could certainly handle two polite, if withdrawn, children whom she saw only several times a year. Just because Kate hadn’t had a stellar maternal role model didn’t mean she was doomed to emotionally scar Neve and Paul Jr. Preteen Neve had asked to join one of her friend’s families for their upcoming spring break, and eight-year-old PJ was surprisingly quiet and well-behaved for a little boy. How much trouble could he possibly be for a week?

This summer both kids would be home for almost two months, but Kate had time to prepare. She would ask her girlfriend Patti for advice. Then there was Lily, Paul’s former sister-in-law, who dispensed parenting advice whether it was solicited or not. Between Kate’s determination to overcome the challenges of motherhood and Paul’s guidance on how to cope with his kids, they would navigate any family situations that arose. Piece of cake.

Not that she, personally, had ever baked one.

Domestic skills had never been high on Kate’s list of driven priorities…which should make cooking for her new husband even more special. He deserved thoughtful gestures and extra effort. Granted, in the weeks before the wedding Paul had grown uncharacteristically distant, but she’d given him space to work through any unresolved guilt toward his late wife, Heather, who had survived barely a month after the nasty shock of her stage-four cancer diagnosis.

Kate had been right to trust her instincts when it came to letting Paul sort out his feelings. During the short time they’d been married Paul had been attentive and affectionate. Delia joked that the newlywed phase wouldn’t last forever—just one of many reasons she planned never to marry—but Kate was blissfully happy. A decade ago, watching her colleagues divorce and remembering her mother’s unstable relationships with men, she couldn’t have imagined herself married and trying to plan a homemade Valentine’s breakfast. Yet here she stood, chenille bathrobe belted over a turquoise nightie Paul said matched her eyes, humming under her breath.

Kate returned her attention to the book on the countertop; Delia had given her Six-Course Seduction, a cookbook for lovers, as a wedding gift. A feisty, independent woman who lived with a man six years her junior, Delia had expressed surprise that Kate or any bride would “give up” her surname. Well, not even Delia knows everything. Kate had been nearly giddy to say goodbye once and for all to Katherine Brewster of Dallas, Texas.

Pushing thoughts of the past away, Kate reminded herself that the future was bright. The coffee had just stopped percolating when she heard knocking. Several raps at the front door, almost louder than they needed to be, with a borderline impatient cadence.

Frowning, she glanced at the digital clock on the microwave. All the appliances and counters in Paul’s kitchen were the same immaculate white, and Kate loved the bright, spacious feel, even though Patti joked the room would make her feel as if she lived in a bleach commercial. Nine o’clock. While not obscenely early for Saturday, few of their acquaintances would disturb a recently married couple on Valentine’s morning. Could it be someone ignoring the cul-de-sac’s no-soliciting policy?

“Honey? Do we know who that is?” Paul’s voice came from a couple of yards behind her, in the hall that led from their bedroom through the den and into the kitchen. He was barefoot and bare-chested, wearing only expensive jeans and wire-rim glasses as he absently rubbed a towel over his thick salt-and-pepper hair. Patti’s opinion of Paul was a lot more favorable than the one of Paul’s kitchen—she thought he could pass for Richard Gere’s more attractive younger brother. High praise, considering how many times Patti had watched Shall We Dance? and Pretty Woman.

Kate smiled at her husband. “I was planning to ignore them until they go away.”

Another series of staccato raps filled the house.

“Maybe we should check.” He turned toward the front of the house with a sigh. “I’ll get it. Whatever you’re doing in here smells delicious.”

Since all she’d managed so far was their normal coffee and melting some margarine in a pan with vague omelet notions, she laughed. His not being hard to please boded well for their marriage.

Through the cutout in the kitchen wall she watched him cross the living room. Paul had such a gorgeous house there’d been no question of which one of them should move after the wedding. Because of the angle, she couldn’t see the front door, but she heard it open, heard low voices. A swirl of cold air found her, along with the words federal agents and economic crimes unit.

Head-to-toe goose bumps broke out beneath the chenille. Agents?

She took a cleansing breath, unconsciously falling back on relaxation techniques taught by a series of drama coaches. Paul was an important man, the CEO of an up-and-coming communications company. He’d left a more established corporation shortly before learning Heather was sick because he’d believed in this one so strongly. His move had paid off in spades…and stock options. Maybe agents needed to question him about one of the businesses he dealt with regularly? Or they could even want someone of Paul’s expertise to consult on some kind of investigation.

That would be an exciting topic for the next country club event, but the clipped voices she heard and the agitation in Paul’s tone spoiled the fantasy.

With barely a thought to her bathrobe or disheveled dark hair, she rushed to his side, attempting a smile. “Sorry to interrupt, but—”

“Kate.” Paul’s green eyes were wide, glinting with tension and alarm. Something in his trapped expression made her think of a hurt animal who might bite and claw anyone who tried to help. “Call my lawyer.”

She glanced from her husband to the two granite-jawed men in the foyer. One wore sunglasses; the other stared back with an expression so contemptuous she wished he would put on a pair. “I don’t understand. What—”

“Now.” Paul looked briefly like himself again when he added, “Please.”

Dozens of questions collided inside her, but one thing felt certain. The honeymoon was definitely over.

CHAPTER 1

Six months later

“Are you sure you don’t want us to come get you?” Delia asked over the phone. “We’re good listeners. Well, Patti is. But I can get you drunk.”

In the background, Patti Jordan huffed that booze was not a long-term solution.

Delia, who enjoyed riling the housewife with outrageous statements, retorted in a stage whisper that two of the best short-term ways for a woman to forget her troubles were getting nailed or getting hammered.

Actually, the promise of premium Grey Goose was tempting right now, especially since Kate’s financial situation had changed in the past few months. Any liquor purchases she made in the near future would be limited to the affordably generic. Joe’s Vodka? Yikes. But tomorrow would be difficult enough without being hungover.

“I’m sure.” Kate tucked her legs beneath her on the bed, wondering if she’d ever get used to sleeping alone on the king-size mattress. Her old queen was upstairs, but sleeping in the guest room would only make living in Paul’s home without him more surreal. Adjust already. It had been five weeks since the sentencing. “Thanks for the offer, though.”

“In some ways, Katie, I envy you having the place to yourself. There have been one or two occasions I wanted to smother Ringo with his own pillow.” Delia’s live-in lover, Alexander, had been dubbed Ringo to go with Kate’s and Patti’s husbands—Paul and George. No John. But, like Lennon, Paul now had his own FBI file.

Kate fought the mad impulse to get roaring drunk and belt out “I Am The Walrus.”

On the other end of the phone there was a muttered “ouch.” Patti had probably thumped Delia on the shoulder for insensitivity, much the same way that she did whenever Delia tried to light a cigarette in Patti’s home.

“So. Tomorrow.” Delia cleared her throat. “Conjugal visit? Très kinky.”

Federal prisons didn’t allow that kind of visitation, but Kate didn’t comment since Patti was now demanding, “What is wrong with you? Her husband has been sent to prison, you idiot. It’s not a joking matter.”

“You think making everything deadly serious is going to cheer her up?” Delia rejoined.

While Kate’s two incongruous best friends quibbled as if Kate weren’t even on the other end, she stared at her reflection in the vanity against the bedroom wall. Long dark hair, seriously needing a trim and deep conditioning, hung around delicate features pinched with tension. How did I become this woman?

She’d busted her ass to get a degree, leave Texas and start fresh. She’d wanted to become a respected businesswoman with all the trappings of success. Now she was someone who created hushed silences at the club, snickers in her own office and awkward arguments over how to “handle” her during phone calls from friends. Dammit, Paul.

Rage flared, followed immediately by guilt. Was it petty of her to resent a man already suffering the loss of basic rights and privacies?

Though she worked hard to present a composed demeanor to others, she fluctuated wildly between anger over her husband’s screwup and renewed vows to be a more supportive wife. It had been two weeks since the end of his initial no-visitors-allowed period, and she’d yet to see him. The minimum security “camp” in West Virginia might not be Alcatraz, but it was enough to separate Kate from the man she loved. Enough to interrupt not only the life they’d shared but their very lifestyle.

She made a perfectly nice salary, but she wouldn’t have attempted mortgage payments on a house in this neighborhood by herself. The cushion of their savings account had been deflated by a luxurious tropical honeymoon that seemed a lifetime ago and mounting legal fees. In addition to being forced to step down as CEO, Paul had forfeited his stock in the company. Their finances had been so altered that the expensive tuition for his children’s prestigious boarding school was no longer feasible. Kate had a week before the kids returned from a visit with their grandparents in Florida. It will be fine, she assured herself, even though she didn’t have the energy left to dwell on that tonight.

“Dee? Delia! Hey, remember me? The person you called?”

It took a moment to get the woman’s attention. Patti, the homemaker, and Delia, self-described ball breaker, had met through Kate. She was the linchpin of the threesome, but not even her presence kept the other two from occasional spirited bickering. At times it was entertaining, but right now Kate just wanted to go to bed.

“Sorry.” Delia’s tone was sheepish, Patti echoing the apology in the background.

“I think I’m going to turn in, but thanks for checking on me.”

“That’s what we’re here for.” In that, Delia and Patti were united.

Even though Kate hadn’t felt social enough to join them at Delia’s town house tonight, she appreciated their loyalty. Since federal agents had visited on that fateful Valentine’s Day, members of Kate’s social circle had distanced themselves from her and Paul. Not completely, in case he was acquitted, but enough that none of his taint could spill over to them. The same taint Kate had been trying to escape when she’d left for college—the neighborhood she’d lived in, her mom’s disreputable boyfriends, Lorna’s shrill insistence that Kate could better both their lives if she would only try harder.

Finally Kate had earned a better life for herself through positive visualization and years of hard work. But she’d never envisioned a husband in the pokey. What was the current slang for that, anyway? Big house? Joint? Hoosegow seemed outdated.

“You sure you want to make the trip alone?” Delia asked. “I know neither of us is an approved visitor, but maybe Lily… Then again, maybe not.”

Heavy on the not, Kate agreed silently.

More than once, Kate had wished Lily lived farther away. Kate understood that Heather’s parents, who lived in Florida, and younger sister, much closer in Richmond, wanted to stay involved with Heather’s children and that the family had been a big part of Paul’s life. But it was awkward to step into the new wife role and feel as if the first wife’s sister was constantly judging you. Unfavorably. Lily made attempts to be personable, especially if the children were around, but she couldn’t quite mask the disdain in her brown eyes, the conviction that Kate was a sorry replacement for the mother Neve and PJ had lost.

“I’ll be fine by myself.”

“Well, call one of us tomorrow if you need to talk. I’ll be home with my laptop, getting some work done during Ringo’s tennis tournament. Then he’s off to New York on Sunday, so I’ll be free all week if you want company. Patti says drive safe.”

Kate smiled, suspecting Patti dispensed that advice on an hourly basis now that her sixteen-year-old only child had his license. “I will. Good night.”

“’Night.” Delia hesitated only for a moment before adding in an uncharacteristically emotional tone, “This whole thing sucks. Paul deserved better—damn witch hunt in a post-Enron climate, if you ask me.”

Too bad the courts had taken a different view. As she hung up the phone, Kate wondered idly if persecution of a man should more appropriately be called a warlock hunt.

The most genuine, decent man she’d ever known…and a judge wearing a black robe and a sanctimonious expression had pronounced him a criminal. Ironic, considering how many of her mom’s lovers Kate had suspected were prison-bound. Lorna had a penchant for codependent relationships with destructive men.

This is different. Paul was a good guy who’d made a dumb hiring mistake.

During the wedding planning, when Paul had been understandably distracted, he’d given someone who had previous dealings with the company a finance position. Some of the man’s freelance work the year prior, thanks to a 2002 legislative act, made the employment a criminal conflict of interest. A simple oversight. Then again, CEOs were responsible for the financial welfare of a lot of people and couldn’t afford stupid oversights. Though she wanted to be outraged on her husband’s behalf, the businesswoman in her knew it had been Paul’s responsibility to double-check issues like this one. It’s why he was paid the big bucks. Unfortunately, in his preoccupation, he’d made one or two other minor errors that the prosecution had painted as signs of impending corruption.

It had all come to light because of a quiet federal investigation of the company Paul had left before Kate met him. Apparently his previous employer had been releasing exaggerated financial reports, inflating their worth and cheating stockholders. Reasoning that Paul likely knew about this fraud before quitting, investigators had widened the scope of their inquiry to Paul himself.

No one cared that he’d walked away from a high-paying job because he’d started to have unproven suspicions about executive ethics. No one cared that, after losing his first wife when he’d expected their marriage to last another thirty or forty years, remarrying had given him a lot to think about besides dotting every i according to increasingly complicated corporate regulations. When you were a chief executive officer, “oops” was not a satisfactory defense.

Kate sighed, and when the sound fell too heavily in the empty room, she reached for the silver remote in the top drawer of her nightstand. With a press of her finger, a black-and-white movie came to life on the television. How was it she so desperately needed background voices when she’d had her own place most of her adult life? It was as illogical as her constantly craving sleep, then being unable to rest once her head hit the pillow. Last night she’d tossed and turned until after two in the morning.

Whereas Paul probably couldn’t wait for each day to end—bringing him closer to the completion of his six-month sentence and a normal life again—Kate was unsettled by the recent passage of days. They’ll be home soon.

For the past couple of years PJ and Neve had stayed for a few weeks of the summer with their maternal grandparents in Tampa. This year’s “few weeks” had stretched into two months. Kate and Paul felt the kids would have a better time at the beach and visiting Epcot than sticking around for their father’s trial. Still, with the new school year starting the last week of August, Neve and PJ would be returning a week from Monday. Was she ready for them? For their questions? Their wariness?

Neither of the kids had ever been overtly hostile to Kate, but she didn’t get hugs and Mother’s Day cards from them, either. She’d always expected Paul to be the glue that held them together as a family unit. And she’d anticipated half of that unit would keep attending school up the coast.

What if they hate me? What if I suck at this?

No. Swinging her feet to the carpet, Kate gave herself a mental pinch. She rarely allowed herself to suck at anything. And negativity was a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The kids weren’t troublemakers and they’d be in school most of the time, leaving her free to do her job as long as she found reliable help for a few hours each afternoon. She didn’t expect mothering to be easy, but millions of women worldwide managed it, and she’d always been very capable. Plus, she still had a week to prepare. Seeing Paul tomorrow should go a long way toward reassuring her—they already had one month of his sentence behind him. Less than five to go. She could definitely handle single-parenting for under five months.

She padded to the bathroom to brush her teeth, her confidence restored. Kate St. James was a survivor. Nothing life or SEC regulations threw at her could reduce her to being Katherine Brewster again.

Ash, beech and poplar trees wouldn’t change colors and hit their peak foliage until mid-October, but beneath the eighty-degree sunshine in the parking lot blew an incongruent breeze that predicted fall’s arrival next month. Kate smoothed her hair and held her head high, this short walk suddenly more daunting than the entire drive over state lines.

At the sentencing Paul had squeezed her hand and tried to joke there were worse things that could happen over the summer than being sent to camp. Thank God no one on the prosecuting side had heard the remark. Public opinion already held that big-business crooks showed a distinct lack of remorse—hence increasingly stiff penalties for comparatively small infractions. But Paul had never set out to be a crook. His flippant remark had been only an attempt to reassure his new wife.

He wouldn’t quite make it home for their first anniversary, but he would be back by Valentine’s Day. Frankly she’d be willing to skip that holiday for the rest of their lives. Her bigger concern was Christmas. As much as she’d disliked Lorna growing up, Kate would have been startled to lose her. And everyone had adored the much-missed Heather. Had Neve and PJ acclimated yet to holidays without their mother? This year they wouldn’t have their father either.

Only me.

A cheery thought to take with her as she walked from her locked car to the interior gated perimeter. She’d already passed through one arm of security to drive onto the grounds. She’d also had to fill out legal paperwork weeks ago simply to apply for the chance to spend a few minutes with her husband. The list of rules and regulations, including clothing restrictions, had made her laugh drily. Did they think she wanted to come in here flashing midriff and extreme cleavage? Classy.

Khaki was also forbidden. Anything that looked too similar to what the prisoners themselves wore was forbidden. But if prison administrators were worried about her blending in, shouldn’t her being female help them pick her out of a crowd?

The internal sarcasm threatened to erupt into actual dialogue when a guard patted her down before allowing her to enter. Adolescent modeling auditions that had bordered on exploitative and a few grope-happy dates in her twenties had left her with a distaste for strange men touching her. Even knowing that the young man with the carefully blank expression was just doing his job, Kate flinched, hating him a little for that.

Realizing Paul must suffer the same indignities and worse, she forced a smile for her husband’s benefit. In a moment he would be joining her, and she didn’t want him to see her discomfort. She stood in the lounge area where they would spend their visit and shifted her weight from one foot to the other. Lounge seemed a glorified term for the collection of tables and padded chairs. It somehow resembled a library with no books and a grim color scheme.

“Kate!” Escorted by a guard, Paul crossed through the security doorway, beaming and still handsome despite the circles under his familiar eyes.

Her own smile wobbled before blossoming into something more genuine. Lord, she’d missed him. The brutal realization of how much was actually a relief. Her emotions had been on mute since the trial, as if the feelings were there somewhere in closed-captioning, but she’d been too numb to truly experience them.

When Paul’s arms went around her, she hugged him tightly, trying to ignore the unpleasant sensation of being watched. The guard sitting in the corner made no effort to downplay his scrutiny of the mostly empty room. Visible security cameras recorded every action.

Paul let go but held her gaze as he said a gruff hello.

They sat a few tables from another inmate and, judging by the two men’s similar facial features, his brother. Both men sent Kate appreciative glances. Her stomach flipped queasily, but she squared her shoulders, lifting her chin a notch.

“I can’t believe you’re finally here.” Paul’s words drew both her attention and guilt.

Finally here. She should have come sooner. “I’m sorry. Things at work… I need to make sure that my job continues to—not that it’s more important than you.”

“Katie.” Despite the lackluster uniform and worry lines that had deepened since she’d seen him last, his patient green eyes twinkled. “You don’t owe me apologies. You aren’t the one who did anything wrong.”

Should she tell him he hadn’t either? They both knew it wasn’t true. He’d made mistakes, and sometimes carelessness was criminal. Pretending otherwise would be a lie. Their young marriage wasn’t cut out for the strain of dishonesty on top of everything else.

“I’ve missed you,” she told him.

“Same goes.” He was quiet for a moment. “I’ve been looking forward to this visit, but there’s something I need to discuss with you.” Despite the resigned declaration, he hesitated.

“Whatever it is, we’ll deal with it.” She hadn’t run screaming for the hills thus far.

“The kids will be getting back next Monday.”

She nodded. Eight days. She reminded herself that she could absolutely do this. Now was not the time to dwell on the fact that the only living things that had ever been in her care were some exotic fish that had added color to her condo. Until she’d accidentally knocked the heater into the aquarium and electrocuted them all in mere seconds.