Verily, verily, if thou wilt but close thine eyes, thou canst not perceive from his words, neither from the cloves upon his breath, nor the ardor of his greeting, whether it be thy

first

or thy

second

husband, that kisseth thee.

For one man’s chin is as rough as another’s, and one man’s lies are as smooth as another’s.

One man’s razor is as sacred as another’s, and one man’s excuses are as old as another’s.

One man roareth, like unto another, when he is hungry.

One man growleth, like unto another, when he is fed.

One man groaneth, like unto another, when he hath over-eaten.

One man looketh as uncanny as another without a collar, and as weird as another without a shave.

One man streweth his cigar ashes upon the carpet, and leaveth his stubs in the pin-tray, even as another.

One man burieth himself in the pillows in the morning, and in the newspapers in the evening, and refuseth to be torn therefrom – even as another.

One man offereth up the morning and evening growl, and celebrateth the Sunday forenoon grouch as regularly as another.

Why, then, wilt thou continue to hearken unto their promises? For, before marriage,

all

men are

promising

; but matrimony is a chemical which transmuteth each and every one of them from a lover into a critic, from an admirer into a scoffer, from an adorer into a judge, and from a slave into a sultan.

Verily, verily, there is this difference only in husbands:

That the first maketh thee weep;

The second maketh thee wonder;

But the third maketh thee weary!

SELAH

BOOK OF FLIRTS

CHAPTER ONE

Lo! wondrous are the workings of a man’s heart, my Daughter.

His love is a thing which riseth and falleth as the stock market; yea, like a football that goeth up, it descendeth swiftly.

Behold, when a man first meeteth a damsel, she pleaseth his eyes. Moreover, she is different from the girl

before

and affordeth a pleasant change. He adoreth her from afar and indulgeth in foolish pipe-dreams. He investeth in new cravats and is particular concerning his collars.

He calleth at first, timidly; he getteth on the good side of the family. He bringeth burnt offerings of expensive flowers and sweets from Huyler’s. He readeth the Rubáiyát unto her and inviteth her to meet his

sister

And, behold, there cometh a day when he kisseth her suddenly and without warning.

And another when he kisseth her again – easily.

And another when he kisseth her much and often.

And another when he kisseth her more casually.

And another when he departeth early, and kisseth her but once – “Good night”.

And another when he

faileth

to call.

Then, peradventure, she writeth him a letter – which he putteth in his pocket and forgetteth to answer. She summoneth him over the telephone and he goeth into the booth wearily. She reproacheth and revileth him. He picketh a quarrel.

She sobbeth “All is over between us!” He answereth “Oh, very well! Even as thou sayest!”

And, in time, he meeteth another damsel and doeth it

all over again

. Yea, the selfsame programme he repeateth unto the letter; yet, he

never

tireth.

For lo! though a man hath eaten his fill at one meal, why shall he lack appetite for the next?

Then, I charge thee, my Daughter, when love beginneth, question not any man how it will end; for it is only in the

beginning

of things that a man is interested; even in the cream from off the jug, the bubble of the champagne, the meat on the peach, and – the

first kiss

of a woman.

Yet, what mattereth the end? Is not the end of the cream, skimmed milk; and the end of a cigar, a stub; and the end of a peach, a stone; and the end of champagne, dregs; and the end of love, a quarrel? And which of these would ye choose?

Verily, the flirtations of a man’s bachelor days are, in passing, as the courses of the love-feast; but a

wife

is the black coffee which

settleth

him.

CHAPTER TWO

Marvellous, oh, my Daughter, is the way of a man with women; for every man hath a

method

and each his favorite

stunt

. And the stunt that he hath found to work successfully with one damsel shall be practised upon each in turn, even unto the finest details thereof.

Behold, one man shall come unto thee saying:

“How foolish are the sentimentalists! But, as for

, my motives are altruistic and disinterested; and a woman’s

friendship

is what I most desire.” Yet, I charge thee, seek among his women “friends” and thou shalt not find an

homely

damsel in all their number.

For this is the

platonic

stunt.

Now, another shall try thee by a simpler method.

Lo, suddenly and without warning, he shall arise and catch thee in his arms. And when thou smitest him upon the cheek, he shall be overcome with humiliation, crying:

“I could not

help

it!”

Yet be not persuaded, but put him

down

without mercy, lest peradventure, he kiss thee again.

For this is the

impetuous

stunt.

Yet observe how still another seeketh to be more subtile.

Mark how he sitteth afar off and talketh of love in the

abstract

; how he calleth three times a week, yet remaineth always

impersonal

; how he praiseth the shape of thine hand and admireth thy rings, yet toucheth not so much as the

tips

of thy fingers.

“Lo,” he thinketh in his heart, “I shall keep her guessing. Yea, I shall wrack her soul with thoughts of how I may be brought to subjection. And when she can no longer contain her curiosity, then will she seek to

lure

me, and I shall gather her in mine arms.”

And this is the

elusive

stunt.

But, I say unto thee, my Daughter, each of these is but as a chainstitch unto a rose pattern, beside him that playeth the

frankly devoted

For all women are unto him as one woman – and that one

putty

Lo, the look of “adoration” in his eyes is like unto the curl in his hair,

always

there; and he weareth his “protecting manner” as naturally and as constantly as his linen collar.

He is

attentive and the

thoughtful thing

cometh unto him as second nature.

Yea, though there be twenty damsels in the room, yet shall each be made to think in her heart:

“Lo, I am

!”

Verily, verily, all the days of his life he shall be waited on and cooed over and coddled by women; and his way shall be as one continuous path of conquests and thornless roses.

For this is the Stunt of

Stunts

CHAPTER THREE

I charge thee, my Daughter, seek not to break a man’s heart; for it is like unto family pride, or a pin, which may be

bent

, but

cannot

be broken! Yea, it is as a ball of India rubber which reboundeth