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EXPLANATION

THE only excuse the author and publishers have to offer for the appearance of this book is that, so far as they know, there is no other like it.

THE PHILOSOPHY OF BREAKFAST

The breakfast habit is of antique origin. Presumably the primeval man arose from troubled dreams, in the first gray light of dawn, and set forth upon devious forest trails, seeking that which he might devour, while the primeval woman still slumbered in her cave. Nowadays, it is the lady herself who rises while the day is yet young, slips into a kimono, and patters out into the kitchen to light the gas flame under the breakfast food.

In this matter of breaking the fast, each house is law unto itself. There are some who demand a dinner at seven or eight in the morning, and others who consider breakfast utterly useless. The Englishman, who is still mighty on the face of the earth, eats a breakfast which would seriously tax the digestive apparatus of an ostrich or a goat, and goes on his way rejoicing.

In an English cook-book only seven years old, menus for “ideal” breakfasts are given, which run as follows:

“Devilled Drum-sticks and Eggs on the dish, Pigs Feet, Buttered Toast, Dry Toast, Brown and White Bread and Butter, Marmalade and Porridge.”

“Bloaters on Toast, Collared Tongue, Hot Buttered Toast, Dry Toast, Marmalade, Brown and White Bread and Butter, Bread and Milk.”

“Pigeon Pie, Stewed Kidney, Milk Rolls, Dry Toast, Brown and White Bread and Butter, Mustard and Cress, Milk Porridge.”

And for a “simple breakfast,” – in August, mind you! – this is especially recommended:

“Bloaters on Toast, Corned Beef, Muffins, Brown and White Bread and Butter, Marmalade, and Boiled Hominy.”

An American who ate a breakfast like that in August probably would not send his collars to the laundry more than once or twice more, but it takes all kinds of people to make up a world.

Across the Channel from the brawny Briton is the Frenchman, who, with infinitely more wisdom, begins his day with a cup of coffee and a roll. So far, so good, but his déjeuner à la fourchette at eleven or twelve is not always unobjectionable from a hygienic standpoint. The “uniform breakfast,” which is cheerfully advocated by some, may be hygienic but it is not exciting. Before the weary mental vision stretches an endless procession of breakfasts, all exactly alike, year in and year out. It is quite possible that the “no-breakfast” theory was first formulated by some one who had been, was, or was about to be a victim of this system.

The “no-breakfast” plan has much to recommend it, however. In the first place, it saves a deal of trouble. The family rises, bathes itself, puts on its spotless raiment in leisurely and untroubled fashion, and proceeds to the particular business of the day. There are no burnt toast, soggy waffles, muddy coffee, heavy muffins, or pasty breakfast food to be reckoned with. Theoretically, the energy supplied by last night’s dinner is “on tap,” waiting to be called upon. And, moreover, one is seldom hungry in the morning, and what is the use of feeding a person who is not hungry?

It has been often said, and justly, that Americans eat too much. Considering the English breakfast, however, we may metaphorically pat ourselves upon the back, for there is no one of us, surely, who taxes the Department of the Interior thus.

“What is one man’s meat is another man’s poison” has been held pointedly to refer to breakfast, for here, as nowhere else, is the individual a law unto himself. Fruit is the satisfaction of one and the distress of another; cereal is a life-giving food to one and a soggy mass of indigestibility to some one else; and coffee, which is really most innocent when properly made, has lately taken much blame for sins not its own.

Quite often the discomfort caused by the ill-advised combination of acid fruit with a starchy cereal has been attributed to the clear, amber beverage which probably was the much-vaunted “nectar of the gods.” Coffee with cream in it may be wrong for some people who could use boiling milk with impunity.

For a woman who spends the early part of the day at home, the omission of breakfast may be salutary. When hunger seizes her, she is within reach of her own kitchen, where proper foods may be properly cooked, but for a business woman or man the plan is little less than suicidal. Mr. Man may, indeed, go down town in comfort, with no thought of food, but, no later than noon, he is keenly desirous of interior decoration. Within his reach there is, usually, but the lunch counter, where, in company with other hapless humans, he sustains himself with leathery pie, coffee which never met the coffee bean, and the durable doughnut of commerce. The result is – to put it mildly – discontent, which seemingly has no adequate cause.

It is better, by far, for Mr. Man to eat a breakfast which shall contain the proteids, carbohydrates, phosphates, and starches that he will require during the day, and omit the noon luncheon entirely, except, perhaps, for a bit of fruit. Moreover, a dainty breakfast, daintily served, has a distinct æsthetic value. The temper of the individual escorted to the front door by a devoted spouse has more than a little to do with the temper of the selfsame individual who is let in at night by the aforesaid D. S.

Many a man is confronted in the morning by an untidy, ill-cooked breakfast, a frowsy woman and a still frowsier baby, and, too often, by querulous whinings and complaints.

The ancient Britons had a pleasing arrangement which they called “The Truce of God.” By this, there was no fighting whatever, no matter what the provocation, between sunset on Wednesday and sunrise on Monday. This gave time for other affairs, and for the exercise of patience, toleration, and other virtues of the same ilk.

Many a household might take a leaf from this book to good advantage. Settle all differences after dinner, since at no time of the day is man in more reasonable mood, and ordain a “Truce of God” from dawn until after dinner.

No dinner, however beautifully cooked and served, no fine raiment, however costly and becoming, can ever atone, in the memory of a man, for the wild and untamed morning which too often prevails in the American household. His mind, distraught with business cares, harks back to his home – with pleasure? None too often, more’s the pity.

Some one has said that, in order to make a gentleman, one must begin with the grandfather. It is equally true that a good and proper breakfast begins the night before – or, better yet, the morning before.

Careful, systematic planning in advance lightens immeasurably the burden of housekeeping, and, many a time, makes the actual work nothing but fun. Those who have tried the experiment of planning meals for the entire week are enthusiastic in praise of the system. It secures variety, simplifies marketing, arranges for left-overs, and gives many an hour of peace and comfort which could not be had otherwise.

Even if a woman be her own maid, as, according to statistics, eighty-five per cent. of us are, a dainty, hygienic, satisfying breakfast is hers and her lord’s for little more than the asking. By careful preparation in advance, the morning labor is reduced to a minimum; by the intelligent use of lists and memoranda, the weary and reluctant body is saved many an unnecessary step.

An alarm clock of the “intermittent” sort insures early rising, a dash of cold water on the face is a physical and mental tonic of the most agreeable kind, and one hour in the morning is worth two at night, as the grandmothers of all of us have often said.

Fruit, usually, may be prepared for serving the night before, and will be improved by a few hours in the refrigerator. Cereals should be soaked over night in the water in which they are to be cooked, and a few hours’ cooking in the afternoon will injure very few cereals destined for the breakfast table the next morning. Codfish balls and many other things will be none the worse for a night’s waiting; the table can be set, and everything made ready for a perfect breakfast, which half an hour of intelligent effort in the morning will readily evolve.

A plea is made for the use of the chafing-dish, which is fully as attractive at the breakfast table as in the “wee sma’ hours” in which it usually shines; for a white apron instead of a gingham one when “my lady” is also the cook; for a crisp, clean shirt-waist instead of an abominable dressing-sack; for smooth, tidy hair, instead of unkempt locks; for a collar and a belt, and a persistent, if determined, cheerfulness.

In the long run, these things pay, and with compound interest at that. They involve a certain amount of labor, a great deal of careful planning, eternal getting-up when it is far more pleasant to abide in dreamland, quite often a despairing weariness, if not a headache, and no small draft upon one’s power of self-denial and self-sacrifice.

But he who goes in the morning from a quiet, comfortable, well-ordered house, with a pleasant memory of the presiding genius of his hearthstone, is twice the man that his fellow may be, whose wife breakfasts at ten in her bed, or, frowsy and unkempt, whines at him from across a miserable breakfast – twice as well fitted for the ceaseless grind of an exhausting day in the business arena, whence he returns at night, footsore, weary, and depressed, to the four walls wherein he abides.

 
“How far that little candle throws its beams!
So shines a good deed in a naughty world.”
 

To some, this may seem an undue stress laid upon the material side of existence, but the human animal needs animal comforts even more than his brother of forest and field, and from such humble beginnings great things may come, not the least of which is the fine, spiritual essence of a happy home.

HOW TO SET THE TABLE

Having said so much, we proceed, not to our mutton, as the French have it, but to our breakfast, in which the table plays no small nor unimportant part.

There are rumors that the pretty and sensible fashion of doilies on the bare table is on the wane, but let us hope these are untrue, or, if not, that some of us may have the courage of our convictions and continue to adhere to a custom which has everything in its favor and nothing against it.

In the absence of handsome top of oak or mahogany, the breakfast cloths, fringed or not, as one likes, which are about a yard and a quarter square, are the next best thing. Asbestos mats, under the cloth, protect the table from the hot dishes. Failing these, fairly satisfactory substitutes are made from thin white oil-cloth, between two layers of canton flannel, “fur side outside,” and quilted on the machine. Grass table-mats are also used, but always under cloth or doily. Canton flannel, quilted, three layers to a mat, is easily washed, and furnishes a great deal of protection.

Breakfast, most assuredly, is not dinner, and there should be a distinct difference in the laying of the table. The small doilies are easily washed, and fresh ones are possible every morning – an assured gain in the way of daintiness.

Let us suppose that we have a handsome table-top, and an unlimited supply of doilies, tray-cloths and centrepieces. First the centrepiece goes on, exactly in the centre, by the way, and not with a prejudiced leaning to one side or the other. On this belongs the pot of growing fern, the low jar containing a few simple flowers, or a bowl of fruit, decorated with green leaves, if green leaves are to be had.

At each place the breakfast doily, nine or twelve inches square, a small doily for the coffee cup, and another for the glass of water. At the right of the plate, the small silver knife, sharp edge toward the plate, the spoons for fruit and cereal; at the left, one fork, or two, as needed, and the coffee spoon.

In front of the master of the house the small platter containing the pièce de résistance will eventually be placed; in front of the mistress of the mansion, the silver tray bearing the coffee service – coffee-pot, hot-water pitcher, cream jug, milk pitcher, and sugar bowl.

Breakfast napkins are smaller than dinner napkins, and the small fringed napkins are not out of place. “Costly thy habit as thy purse will buy” might well refer to linen, for it is the one thing in which price is a direct guarantee of quality.

Satisfactory breakfast cloths and napkins are made of linen sheeting, fringed, hemstitched, or carefully hemmed by hand, and in this way a pretty cloth can be had for less money than in any other. The linen wears well, washes beautifully, and acquires a finer sheen with every tubbing. Insertions and borders of torchon or other heavy lace make a breakfast cloth suitable for the most elaborate occasion, and separate doilies may easily be made to match. The heavy white embroidery which has recently come into favor is unusually attractive here.

Finger-bowls wait on the sideboard, to be placed after the fruit course, or after breakfast. The rose-water, slice of lemon, geranium leaves, and other finger-bowl refinements in favor for dinners are out of place at breakfast. Clear, cool water is in better taste.

The china used at the breakfast table should be different from that used at dinner. Heavier ware is permissible, and more latitude in the way of decoration is given. Much of the breakfast china one sees in the shops is distinctly cheerful in tone, and one must take care to select the more quiet patterns. It is not pleasant to go to breakfast with a fickle appetite, and be greeted by a trumpet-toned “Good Morning” from the china.

Endless difference is allowed, however, and all the quaint, pretty jugs, pitchers, and plates may properly be used at breakfast. One is wise, however, to have a particular color scheme in mind and to buy all china to blend with it. Blue and white is a good combination, and is, perhaps, more suitable for the morning meal than anything else. As a certain philosopher says: “The blue and white look so pretty with the eggs!”

The carafe, muffin plate, platter, and all other bowls, platters, plates, and pitchers not on the individual cover have each a separate doily, with the protecting mat always under hot dishes. A well-set table is governed by a simple law – that of precision. Dishes arranged in an order little less than military, all angles either right or acute, will, for some occult reason, always look well. Informality may be given by the arrangement of the flowers, or by a flower or two laid carelessly on the table. But one must be careful not to trifle too much with this law of precision. Knives, forks, and spoons must all be laid straight, but not near enough together to touch, and napkins and dishes must be precisely placed, else confusion and riot will result.

The breakfast selected as a type consists of fruit, a cereal, salt fish, or salt meat, or eggs, or omelets, hot bread of some kind, and pancakes or waffles, or coffee cake, one dish from each group, and coffee. Six dishes in all, which may be less if desired, but never more. All six form a breakfast sufficiently hearty for a stone mason or a piano mover; one or two give a breakfast light enough to tempt those who eat no breakfast at all. For serving it are required small and medium-sized plates, knives, forks, spoons, egg cups, platters, service plates, cups and saucers, glasses, coffee-pot, pitchers, sugar bowl, and cream jug, syrup pitcher, and fruit bowl.

Fruit is said to be “gold in the morning,” and it is a poor breakfast, indeed, from which it is omitted. Even in winter it is not hard to secure variety, if time and thought be taken, for the dried fruits are always in the market and by careful cooking may be made acceptable to the most uncertain appetite.

Medical authorities recommend a glass of water taken the first thing upon rising, either hot or cold as suits one best. A little lemon-juice takes the “flat” taste from plain hot water, and clear, cool water, not iced, needs nothing at all. This simple observance of a very obvious hygienic rule will temper the tempestuous morning for any one. One washes his face, his hands, his body – then why not his stomach, which has worked hard a large part of the night, and is earnestly desirous of the soothing refreshment of a bath?

To those carping critics who cavil at the appearance of the stomach in a chapter entitled “How to Set the Table,” we need only say that the table is set for the stomach, and the stomach should be set for the table, and anyway, it comes very near being a table of contents, n’est-ce pas?

THE KITCHEN RUBAIYAT

 
Wake, for the Alarm Clock scatters into Flight
The variegated Nightmares of the Night;
Allures the Gas into the Kitchen Range
And pleads for Rolls and Muffins that are Light.
 
 
Before the Splendor of the last Dream died
Methought a Voice from out my Doorway cried:
“When all the Breakfast is Prepared for him
Why doth my lord within his Crib abide?”
 
 
And, as the cat Purred, she who was Before
Within the Kitchen shouted: “Guard the Door!
Else this new Bridget will have Flown the Coop
And, once Departed, will Return no More!”
 
 
All maids in sight the Wise One gladly Hires
And one of them she Presently acquires,
Yet toward the Bureau does not fail to Look
Because all Maids, as well as Men, are liars.
 
 
For Mary Ann has gone, with all her Woes,
And Dinah, too, has fled – where, no one knows,
But still a Bridget from the Bureau comes
And many a Tekla of her Reference blows.
 
 
Come, fill the Cup, and let the Kettle Sing!
The Cream and Sugar and Hot Water bring!
Methinks this fragrant liquid amber here
Within the Pot, is pretty much the Thing.
 
 
Each Morn a thousand Cereals brings, you say?
Yes, but where leaves the Food of Yesterday?
And this same Grocer man that sells us Nerve
Shall take Pa’s Wheat and Mother’s Oats away.
 
 
For lo, my small Back Yard is thickly Strown
With Ki-Tee-Munch, Chew-Chew, and Postman’s Own
Where Apple-Nuts and Strength have been Forgot —
Ah, how these Papers by the Winds are Blown!
 
 
The tender Waffle hearts are Set upon
Is either Crisp or Soggy, and Anon
Like Maple Syrup made of corn and Cobs
Lasts but a scant Five Minutes, and is Gone.
 
 
I often think that never gets so Red
My flower-like Nose as when I’ve just been Fed
And after Breakfast, in the Glass I look,
And never Fail to Wish that I were dead.
 
 
And this faint Sallow Place upon my Mien —
How came it There? From that fair Coffee Bean?
Ah, take the Glass away! Make Haste unless
You want to see my Whole Complexion green.
 
 
When I was Younger, I did oft Frequent
The Married Bunch, and heard Great Argument
About the Fearful Price of Eggs, and How
To get a Dollar’s Work out of a Cent.
 
 
And when I asked them of their Recompense,
What did they Get for Keeping Down Expense —
Oh, many a cup of Coffee, Steaming Hot,
Must drown the Memory of their Insolence!
 
 
If I were Married ’t would be my Desire
To get up Every Morn and Build the Fire
For fear my Husband should use Kerosene,
And, without warning, be transported Higher.
 
 
Ah, with the Coffee all my Years provide!
Its chemicals may turn me green Inside,
But all my Fears are Scattered to the Winds
When o’er the fragrant Pot I can Preside.
 
 
I blame our Mother Eve, who did mistake
Her Job, and flirted Somewhat with the Snake,
For all the Errors of the Flaky Roll,
For all the Terrors of the Buckwheat Cake.
 
 
A glass of Creamy Milk just from the Cow,
Or Buttermilk, drawn from the Goat, I trow,
And thou across the Festal Board from Me,
A Six-Room Flat were Paradise enow!
 
 
Some for a Patent Bread that will not Crumb,
And nary Bite of Cereal for Some —
Ah, take the Coffee! Let all else go by
Nor heed the Thick White Fur upon the Tongue.
 
 
Look to the Human Wrecks about us: lo,
About their Indigestion how they Blow,
And lay the Blame on Coffee, crystal Clear,
Or say the Crisp Hot Muffin is their Foe!
 
 
And those who chew and chew upon the Grain,
Have got so used to Chewing, they are Fain
To Dwell upon their Health Food in their Talk
And presently their Neighbors go Insane.
 

FOOT-NOTES

1. The author began with the intention of adapting the entire Rubaiyat to kitchen purposes, but thought better of it just in time to head off the Lyric Muse, who was coming at full gallop, with her trunk.

2. Those who do not like The Kitchen Rubaiyat will doubtless be glad there is no more of it.

3. Those who do like it can begin at the beginning and read it again. The rest of it would be about like this installment, anyway.

P. S. If the demand is great enough, the rest of it may appear in another book.

P. S. 2. The publisher of this book has an unalterable prejudice against printing poetry, but he allowed The Kitchen Rubaiyat to slip by without question.

P. S. 3. ?