Все мы рано или поздно сталкиваемся с людьми, вызывающими недоумение, злость, боль, разочарование. И почему-то часто очень сильно к ним привязываемся. Вроде как и творит человек что-то странное, а все равно к нему тянет…

Эта книга для тех, кто часто оказывается в сложных, мучительных, тяжелых, скучных отношениях и не может найти ответ на вопрос: «Что делать?» В ней ты узнаешь своих близких, любимых, друзей и получишь долгожданную ясность, как жить дальше. Анализ реальных историй и пошаговые рекомендации, как поступать в той или иной ситуации.

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Постоянно влипаешь в токсичные отношения? Мучаешься от неуверенности в себе и считаешь себя хуже других? Чувствуешь, что с тобой часто поступают нечестно? Завидуешь более успешным знакомым? Таишь обиду на жестокий мир? Регулярно слышишь: «Отстань, я не понимаю, что тебе надо»?

Тогда эта книга для тебя! Все рассказанные истории произошли на самом деле, а описанные решения проблем проверены и точно работают.

Автор подробно анализирует людей-«мозгоедов» и делится действенными способами борьбы с ними. Но чтобы решить конкретную проблему, мало прочитать эту книгу. Надо следовать рекомендациям: действовать, менять установки и двигаться вперед вопреки всему! Тогда и только тогда появится шанс на счастливую жизнь.

После оформления покупки на ЛитРес книга станет доступна для скачивания и чтения онлайн.

Внимание! Содержит нецензурную лексику!

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Ника Набокова
Мозгоеды. Что в головах у тех, кто сводит нас с ума. Волшебный пинок к нормальной жизни

От автора

Привет, дорогой друг! Меня зовут Ника Набокова, и я специалист по мозгоебам. Тем самым людям, которые сводят тебя с ума, причиняют боль, вводят в недоумение и оставляют горевать в разочаровании. Да, я знаю, ты давно задаешься вопросами «почему», «зачем», «что же, в конце концов, этому загадочному человеку нужно». Сейчас ты держишь в руках все ответы.

Истории, рассказанные здесь, – реальные. Способы решения проблем – проверенные. Ты получишь детальный анализ таинственного поведения (своего в том числе) и понятные инструкции о том, как с этим всем справляться.

Тебе стоит купить эту книгу, если:

• ты часто влипаешь в болезненные отношения;

• ты сейчас находишься в некомфортных для тебя отношениях;

• ты страдаешь от неуверенности в себе;

• ты чувствуешь, что с тобой поступают несправедливо;

• ты завидуешь другим: у них есть, а у тебя нет;

• ты впадаешь в зависимость от любимых людей;

• ты в обиде на мир – он к тебе слишком жесток;

• ты считаешь себя хуже других;

• ты часто слышишь в свой адрес: «Не выноси мне мозг», «Я не понимаю, чего ты хочешь», «Ты невыносимый человек», «С тобой невозможно».

Благодарности

Спасибо людям, которые рядом, верят в меня, учат меня, вдохновляют меня.

Мое издательство: Женя, Михаил, Маша, Аня, Света, еще одна Аня. Спасибо за терпение, вы потрясающие ребята.

Моя семья: Рю и Саню, люблю вас сильно-пресильно.

Мои друзья: Катя, Костя, Пу, Аня Н., Маша Лопатова, Крис, Саня Киреев, Ксю. Спасибо за поддержку всегда и во всем, ни у кого больше таких друзей нет, только у меня ☺

Мои учителя: Женя Фарафонов, Лена Ершова. Спасибо за мой рост.

Мое вдохновение: Ира Дороган. Вы человек-свет, ходячая харизма, пример. Просто будьте!

Моя Дарина. Спасибо, что облегчаешь мне жизнь. И за киси ☺

Алена Минкина. Ты удивительная, и помни – все будет. Спасибо за мое тело ☺

Мои клиенты. Чудесные, умницы, гордость! Спасибо, что выбираете меня.

Мои читатели. С вами круто. Спасибо ☺

My love. My one and only. Thanks for all scratches ☺ And for our magic. Love you, more than you can imagine.

Отдельное спасибо людям, которые разрешили мне рассказать их истории в этой книге. Вы смельчаки!

Предисловие

Эта книга – о людях, о чувствах, о сценариях, о том, что многие из нас творят со своей и чужой жизнью. Тут тебе и разрушительные отношения, и мужское вероломство, и женское блядство, и повторяющиеся сценарии, и секс, и парализующая неуверенность в себе, и садизм по отношению к другим.

Все собранные в ней истории – реальные, хотя иногда тебе будет казаться, что такого просто не может быть в природе. Ох, поверь мне, это еще не самая лютая жесть, ибо ее я оставила на вторую часть «охуительных историй». Ну да не будем отвлекаться.

Девяносто девять процентов людей боятся умереть. А вот унылого существования, подчиненного разнообразным страхам, странным правилам, попыткам оградить себя от всего и вся они не страшатся. Почему-то нам кажется, что отказ от удовольствий, возможностей, свободы, мнения, желаний, чувств, впечатлений – это вполне терпимо. Принести себя в жертву обстоятельствам, играм разума, унылым отношениям, бесконечно идти на поводу у чужого мнения, стараясь удовлетворить всех на свете, выбрасывать свою бесценную свободу в унитаз в стремлении обязательно кому-то или чему-то принадлежать, выстраивать баррикады, защищающие нас от любых чувств, – это, типа, жизнь. Хотя на самом деле это и есть смерть. Просто растянутая во времени, в замедленной съемке. Она уже наступила, можно расслабиться, все самое страшное произошло. Но почему бы не попробовать воскресить себя?

В общем, не будем тянуть, приступай, пожалуй. Первый шаг на пути к новой жизни уже сделан. Давай руку, пойдем дальше.

P. S. Только напоминаю: для того чтобы твоя проблема сдвинулась с мертвой точки, мало просто прочитать книгу. Даже десять раз. Нужно поднять свою жопу с ментального или реального, уж не знаю, какая там у тебя стадия, дивана и начать следовать рекомендациям. Действовать, анализировать, менять установки, падать, подниматься, ползти дальше. Если ты будешь делать это – я гарантирую, что все вокруг изменится. Откуда знаю? Сама вылезла из такой ямы, что любо-дорого.

Екатерина Великая

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Нет на свете грустнее истории, чем сказ про бабу и ответственность. Вот, например, Катя. Очень-очень обстоятельная барышня. Бог не обделил ее ни внешностью, ни мозгами, ни такими важными чертами характера, как упорство, целеустремленность, умение не сдаваться, коммуникабельность. Все, казалось бы, при ней. Но вот не клеится, не складывается жизнь так, чтобы было круто, в удовольствие, в радость.

Виной тому – котомочка, что наша барышня за спиной таскает. В ней – вся бесхозная ответственность, которая только попадается на глаза. Бывает, идет и, вот же радость, валяется очередная, никому не нужная, пылью покрывается. Хвать, и давай утрамбовывать, хоть трещит уже по швам ее коробчонка. Ничего-ничего, впихнем! И потащим! На себе, в светлое будущее. Ведь кому как не ей справляться со всеми этими людскими переживаниями, странностями, закидонами.

Чего только не найдешь в Катином рюкзаке. На дне любовно сложены и вменены себе в мучительную вину родительские неоправданные ожидания. Мама, что спихнула пятилетнюю девочку на нерадивого папашу и его новую пассию, ибо сама хотела посвятить себя новым отношениям, все переживает, мол, недостаточно домовитой выросла Катька у нее. Она-то хотела, чтобы настоящая женщина получилась, а эта знай на своей работе пропадает. Стыдно, стыдно, не того ждала. Папочка – так тот просто никогда не скрывал, что девчонка для него лишняя обуза и вторая дочка от молодухи нравится гораздо больше. Эта какая-то несуразная, то ли дело сладкая булочка, вечно смеющаяся. Катя очень переживает и корит себя за то, что не смогла стать для своих родителей ребенком, которого можно любить.

Следом разместилась забота о работодателе. На первый-то взгляд в карьере у Кати все хорошо, даже прекрасно. Очень высокая должность в крупной фармацевтической компании, а они, как ты понимаешь, очень успешные, люди же вечно болеют. Вообще, отступая от темы, если хочешь замутить бизнес, то вот три кита, от которых человечество не отступит никогда: еда, страдания, болезни. Ну да ближе к делу. Катерина на полном серьезе считает, что отвечает за все: начиная от прямых обязанностей и заканчивая атмосферой в коллективе и настроением босса. Если, не дай бог, кто-то с кем-то конфликтует, значит – недосмотрела. Если шеф недостаточно доволен жизнью или просто задумчив, значит, что-то не так в ее работе, других вариантов нет. Поэтому она круглосуточно всех осчастливливает. Устраивает посиделки с подчиненными за свой счет, одаривает дорогими презентами и старается изо всех сил сделать офисные будни прекрасными.

Еще одна важная часть Катиной жизни – друзья – лежит вон в том шелковом пакетике, перевязанном красивой ленточкой. Особенно важна для нее подруга Света, ведь она без Кати жить не может. И очень переживает, если в жизни товарки появляется кто-то еще. Справедливости ради стоит отметить, что чувства у Светы не совсем дружеские и она даже пыталась романтически ухаживать за Катей много лет назад. Но не сложилось, Екатерина больше все же по членам. Поэтому теперь Света при любой непонятной или неудобной ей ситуации пускается в пространные обвинения, мол, жизнь ты мне, сука, своей нелюбовью сломала. Катя посыпает голову пеплом, кается за страшную ошибку и старается сделать все, чтобы ее ближайшей, как она сама считает, подруге было комфортно. Например, скрывает от нее своих мужчин, увлечения и даже долгое время старалась не афишировать рождение ребенка, дабы не задевать тонкие струны ранимой души. Терпеливо сносит истерики в любое время дня и ночи и старается всеми силами сделать свою подруженцию счастливой. Ведь это ее вина, ее ответственность.

Дошли мы до самого интересного, до контейнеров с ответственностью за мужиков. И тут у нас прямо форшмак, сельдь под шубой и черта в ступе. В наличии имеются муж и любовник. С первым поначалу отношения были весьма загадочны, чем, собственно, он Катьку и покорил. То появлялся, то пропадал, то приближался, то отдалялся. Барышня наша с энтузиазмом решала головоломку и всеми силами старалась заслужить расположение столь ценного объекта. В итоге чувак забросил все свои закидоны и пал в ее объятия. Но недолго музыка играла: убедившись в том, что вот он, завоеванный, понятный и доступный, Катя успокоилась, и страсть ее поутихла. Но жили они, в общем и целом, неплохо, она строила карьеру, он – дом.

Когда семейная гавань наскучила окончательно, Катя решила влюбиться. И быстренько нашла себе объект для воздыханий. Тот, кстати, долгое время не обращал на нее никакого внимания, так что на окучивание новой «дамы сердца» ушло аж два года. В конце концов усилия были вознаграждены, и начались отношения в стиле «никогда такого не было и вот опять». Любовничек начал вести себя еще более загадочно, чем муж на заре отношений. То признания, то холод, то поехали ко мне, то пошла вон. По Катиному мнению, единственная причина для такого поведения – ее неправильный подход. Нужно просто найти нужный, и сразу-сразу он изменится. Перестанет бухать и пропадать, хамить и брать деньги без возврата, прилюдно унижать и флиртовать на ее глазах с другими женщинами, открыто критиковать ее внешность. Ведь на самом деле он – хороший. Просто она что-то делает не так.

Теперь в своей личной жизни Катя кругом виновата. Перед мужем – за то, что заставила его жить в ситуации, когда жена не уделяет ему должного внимания и он, наверное, очень-очень от этого мучается. В отношениях с любовником – за то, что никак не может найти правильный способ повлиять на него, отчего тот страдает.

Анализ

Катина ответственность зовется синдромом богини. Он, кстати, является одной из самых частых причин женского несчастья.

Типичный и самый распространенный пример – жена алкаша. Страдает, хиреет, жалуется на беспросветный ад. На первый взгляд – жертва-жертвой, ни уважения к себе, ни заботы о собственной персоне. Но, если прислушаться, что барышня говорит дальше, картина в корне меняется. Он пьет, потому что я недостаточно хороша. Вот я буду его больше любить, лучше выглядеть, заботиться – и все сразу изменится. Под личиной бедной обиженной зайки скрывается вполне себе кровожадная особь.

Куда ни глянь – кругом верховные жрицы, богини, властительницы Вселенной. Изменяют им, потому что с НИМИ что-то не так, относятся плохо – потому что ОНИ недостаточно хорошо себя ведут, живут за их счет, деградируя на диване, – с функцией вдохновения ОНИ не справляются, не заботятся – из-за недостатка женственности у НИХ.

Откуда в девочках это? От тревоги. Когда нам очень страшно, мозг может начать использовать специфическую форму защиты – объективизацию, а следом за ней – контроль. Если живые люди кажутся мне непредсказуемыми, а следовательно, опасными объектами, то проще всего «превратить» их в управляемые марионетки, у которых нет своей воли, и все их действия, чувства, мысли – исключительно реакция на меня. При таком раскладе: чем больше я их контролирую с помощью хорошего, правильного поведения или специальных сценариев, тем выше шансы на то, что они дадут мне желаемое, не будут обижать и так далее. Один из самых ярких примеров подобного подхода – рассказы про изнасилование из-за короткой юбки. Мол, с тобой такое произошло только потому, что ты сама его (их) спровоцировала. И это не сексизм и не унижение женщин, это банальный страх, для преодоления которого люди выдвигают гипотезу, что есть некое «правильное» поведение, способное защитить их от нападения или несчастного случая.

В Катином случае над становлением синдрома богини поработали родители, все ее детство используя гениальную формулу: ты должна быть хорошей, и тогда мы будем тебя любить, а если мы ведем себя как свиньи по отношению к собственному ребенку, так то твоя вина. В такой ситуации формируется четкая установка: если я буду правильной и все сделаю как надо, меня полюбят, оценят, дадут то, что я хочу.

Еще подобные установки типичны для детей алкоголиков (мы с вами еще встретимся с ними на страницах этой книги в истории Оли и Димы), а также для отпрысков тревожных товарищей. Мамы и бабушки со сказками про великую женскую мудрость, с помощью которой можно гарантированно управлять «этими козлами», которые «все одинаковые», а если не будешь «пасти», то сбежит в другой огород и поминай как звали. А если так случится, значит ты – плохая, недостаточно достойная женщина, ибо «от хороших не уходят».

Сейчас, к сожалению, несмотря на то что давно мы уже живем не в послевоенное время, и вообще, права мужчин-женщин в цивилизованном обществе вполне себе уравнялись, идея про волшебную силу женственности переживает второе рождение. Очень странные и явно психически нестабильные люди рассказывают сказки про то, как с ее помощью можно получать от жизни всякие бонусы. Загоняя людей, склонных брать на себя ответственность за все и вся, еще глубже.

Беда псевдобогинь в том, что они пытаются контролировать все, кроме того, на что реально могут влиять. В итоге – ад, провал, печаль по всем фронтам. Мужик каким был, таким и остался, люди почему-то всех стараний должным образом не оценили и не изменились, сил вбухано немерено, ресурсы на нуле, время благополучно спущено в унитаз, сама – в хронической тоске.

Что делать

Если ты, дорогой читатель, узнал себя в Кате, то я тебе очень и очень сочувствую. Ибо, с одной стороны, ты вызываешь жуткое раздражение в этой своей непроходимой божественности, а с другой, тебя реально очень-очень жалко, потому что тащить на себе вину за чувства, поведение, будущее других людей – это невыносимо.

Итак, первое и самое главное, что тебе нужно сделать, – вытащить голову из жопы. Это вообще полезное действие для решения абсолютно любой проблемы. Доставай и оглядывайся по сторонам. В окружающей тебя реальности ты увидишь, что с хорошими людьми часто происходят плохие вещи, а еще – что, если даже очень правильно разговаривать с хомяком, он не начнет лаять. Не потому, что не хочет, не потому, что команды нечеткие, а потому что он – хомяк.

Далее, давай вернем людям взрослость. Те, за кого ты пытаешься тащить ответственность, вполне себе зрелые существа. И даже если они делают что-то кажущееся тебе недостаточно правильным для них или вообще по жизни, находятся в каких-то ситуациях, то сие – их выбор, самостоятельный. До встречи с тобой они как-то жили, да и продолжают делать это в минуты, когда ты не рядом. Нужно отметить, прекрасно справляются.

Понаблюдай, что они делают как взрослые, какие проблемы решают, какие решения принимают, как вообще функционируют.

Следом будет совсем не лишним поразмышлять, а что чувствует человек, когда ты пытаешься поменять его, сделать его поведение более удобным для себя. Полагаю, если кто-то попробует провернуть нечто подобное с тобой, ты ощутишь злость, раздражение, отторжение. Это те чувства, которые тебе хочется вызывать у других?

Теперь к тревоге. Как я уже сказала в анализе, беда сия с тобою приключилась от тревоги. Часто в случае божественного синдрома речь идет о страхе оставленности. Мол, если я буду неправильным или недостаточно хорошим, то люди от меня отвернутся, уйдут, заменят кем-то другим. О’кей. Какие именно люди от тебя отвернутся? Все? Вообще все в мире, и нельзя будет никем-никем заменить? А что произойдет, если вот эти, совершенно конкретные несколько человек так сделают? Как ты можешь с этим справиться?

Чтобы ответить на последний вопрос было попроще, давай вспомним и даже запишем ситуации, в которых тебе приходилось с кем-то расставаться. Да, безусловно, времена были не очень. Но удалось ведь справиться? И с самим процессом, и с последствиями. Пусть это будет твоей напоминалкой.

Второй распространенный вариант – страх агрессии, нападения. Дескать, стоит только мне чуть-чуть отпустить контроль, как эти непредсказуемые товарищи могут накинуться. Тогда тебе полезно подумать о том, как ты будешь себя защищать. Вот случилось оно, кто-то окрысился и лает, твои действия?

Неадекватное чувство вины – вечный спутник всех божественных людей. Ведь им мерещится, что другие из-за них страшно страдают. Так вот. Чувство вины адекватно лишь тогда, когда есть реальный ущерб. Например, когда я дала кому-то обещание и не сдержала его, то ущерб имеет место быть. А когда кто-то за меня, не согласовав при этом со мной, решил, что я что-то там должна определенным образом делать, особенно с собственной жизнью, это его проблема. Также ты не наносишь никакого урона людям, если просишь их, например, сделать свою работу. Они пришли на это место сами, своими ногами, приняв осознанное решение.

В случае возникновения неадекватного чувства вины ты можешь сделать вот что. Запиши, в чем, как тебе кажется, заключается твой проступок перед тем или иным человеком, и попробуй вслух попросить за него прощения. Чтобы со стороны услышать весь абсурд ситуации.

Порой мы сталкиваемся с тем, что за всей этой волшебной божественностью скрывается запрет на заботу о себе, мол, самой делать счастливой собственную персону нельзя. В таком случае единственный шанс устроить себе хорошую жизнь – наманипулировать другими так, чтобы они ее организовали. Если ты чувствуешь, что это – про тебя, попробуй составить список: каких благ ты ждешь от других, что именно они должны тебе дать. И давай посмотрим, что из этого ты можешь сделать самостоятельно.

Финальный, самый глубокий и принципиальный момент. Пока ты там усиленно заправляешь всеми и вся, какой-то очень важный, но очень болезненный для тебя сегмент твоей жизни остается без внимания. Проще говоря, у тебя получается закрывать на него глаза. Твоя задача – понять, что это за кусок твоей жизни, от которого тебе приходится отвлекать себя с помощью всех этих усилий «на благо общества».