Rose. Yes; and give it with an air too. Will your worship please to taste my snuff? [Offers the Box affectedly.
Bal. You are a very apt scholar, pretty maid! And pray, what did you give the captain for these fine things?
Rose. He's to have my brother for a soldier, and two or three sweethearts I have in the country; they shall all go with the captain. Oh! he's the finest man, and the humblest withal! Would you believe it, sir? he carried me up with him to his own chamber, with as much fam-mam-mil-yararality, as if I had been the best lady in the land.
Bal. Oh! he's a mighty familiar gentleman as can be.
Enter Plume, singing
Plume.
But it is not so
With those that go
Thro' frost and snow —
Most apropos,
My maid with the milking pail.
[Takes hold of Rose.
How, the justice! then I'm arraigned, condemned and executed.
Bal. Oh, my noble captain!
Rose. And my noble captain, too, sir.
Plume. 'Sdeath! child, are you mad? – Mr. Balance, I am so full of business about my recruits, that I ha'n't a moment's time to – I have just now three or four people to —
Bal. Nay, captain, I must speak to you —
Rose. And so must I too, captain.
Plume. Any other time, sir – I cannot, for my life, sir —
Bal. Pray, sir —
Plume. Twenty thousand things – I would – but – now, sir, pray – Devil take me – I cannot – I must – [Breaks away.
Bal. Nay, I'll follow you.
[Exit.
Rose. And I too.
[Exit.
SCENE II
The Walk by the Severn Side
Enter Melinda and her Maid Lucy
Mel. And pray was it a ring, or buckle, or pendants, or knots; or in what shape was the almighty gold transformed, that has bribed you so much in his favour?
Lucy. Indeed, madam, the last bribe I had from the captain, was only a small piece of Flanders' lace, for a cap.
Mel. Ay, Flanders' lace is a constant present from officers to their women. They every year bring over a cargo of lace, to cheat the king of his duty, and his subjects of their honesty.
Lucy. They only barter one sort of prohibited goods for another, madam.
Mel. Has any of them been bartering with you, Mrs. Pert, that you talk so like a trader?
Lucy. One would imagine, madam, by your concern for Worthy's absence, that you should use him better when he's with you.
Mel. Who told you, pray, that I was concerned for his absence? I'm only vexed that I have had nothing said to me these two days: as one may love the treason and hate the traitor. Oh! here comes another captain, and a rogue that has the confidence to make love to me; but indeed, I don't wonder at that, when he has the assurance to fancy himself a fine gentleman.
Lucy. If he should speak o' th' assignation I should be ruined! [Aside.
Enter Brazen
Brazen. True to the touch, 'faith! [Aside.] Madam, I am your humble servant, and all that, madam. A fine river, this same Severn – Do you love fishing, madam?
Mel. 'Tis a pretty melancholy amusement for lovers.
Brazen. I'll go and buy hooks and lines presently; for you must know, madam, that I have served in Flanders against the French, in Hungary against the Turks, and in Tangier against the Moors, and I was never so much in love before; and split me, madam, in all the campaigns I ever made, I have not seen so fine a woman as your ladyship.
Mel. And from all the men I ever saw, I never had so fine a compliment: but you soldiers are the best bred men, that we must allow.
Brazen. Some of us, madam; but there are brutes among us too, very sad brutes; for my own part, I have always had the good luck to prove agreeable. I have had very considerable offers, madam – I might have married a German princess, worth fifty thousand crowns a-year, but her stove disgusted me. The daughter of a Turkish bashaw fell in love with me, too, when I was a prisoner among the Infidels; she offered to rob her father of his treasure, and make her escape with me; but I don't know how, my time was not come: hanging and marriage, you know, go by destiny: Fate has reserved me for a Shropshire lady, worth twenty thousand pounds. Do you know any such person, madam?
Mel. Extravagant coxcomb! [Aside.] To be sure, a great many ladies of that fortune would be proud of the name of Mrs. Brazen.
Brazen. Nay, for that matter, madam, there are women of very good quality of the name of Brazen.
Enter Worthy
Mel. Oh, are you there, gentleman? – Come, captain, we'll walk this way. Give me your hand.
Brazen. My hand, heart's blood, and guts, are at your service. Mr. Worthy, your servant, my dear!
[Exit, leading Melinda.
Wor. Death and fire! this is not to be borne!
Enter Plume
Plume. No more it is, 'faith.
Wor. What?
Plume. The March beer at the Raven. I have been doubly serving the king, raising men, and raising the excise. Recruiting and elections are rare friends to the excise.
Wor. You a'n't drunk?
Plume. No, no, whimsical only; I could be mighty foolish, and fancy myself mighty witty. Reason still keeps its throne, but it nods a little, that's all.
Wor. Then you're just fit for a frolic.
Plume. Just so.
Wor. Then recover me that vessel, from that Tangerine.
Plume. She's well rigged, but how is she manned?
Wor. By Captain Brazen, that I told you of to-day; she is called the Melinda, a first rate I can assure you; she sheered off with him just now, on purpose to affront me; but according to your advice I would take no notice, because I would seem to be above a concern for her behaviour; but have a care of a quarrel.
Plume. No, no; I never quarrel with any thing in my cups, but an oyster-wench, or a cookmaid, and if they ben't civil, I knock them down. But hearkye, my friend, I'll make love, and I must make love – I tell you what, I'll make love like a platoon.
Wor. Platoon! how's that?
Plume. I'll kneel, stoop, and stand, 'faith: most ladies are gained by platooning.
Wor. Here they come; I must leave you.
[Exit.
Plume. So! now must I look as sober and demure as a whore at a christening.
Enter Brazen and Melinda
Brazen. Who's that, madam?
Mel. A brother officer of yours, I suppose, sir.
Brazen. Ay – my dear!
[To Plume.
Plume. My dear!
[Run and embrace.
Brazen. My dear boy! how is't? Your name, my dear! If I be not mistaken, I have seen your face.
Plume. I never saw yours in my life, my dear – but there's a face well known as the sun's, that shines on all, and is by all adored.
Brazen. Have you any pretensions, sir?
Plume. Pretensions!
Brazen. That is, sir, have you ever served abroad?
Plume. I have served at home, sir, for ages served this cruel fair, and that will serve the turn, sir.
Mel. So, between the fool and the rake, I shall bring a fine spot of work upon my hands!
Brazen. Will you fight for the lady, sir?
Plume. No, sir, but I'll have her notwithstanding.
Thou peerless princess of Salopian plains,
Envy'd by nymphs, and worshipp'd by the swains —
Brazen. Oons, sir! not fight for her?
Plume. Pr'ythee be quiet – I shall be out —
Behold, how humbly does the Severn glide,
To greet thee, princess of the Severn side.
Brazen. Don't mind him, madam – if he were not so well dressed, I should take him for a poet; but I'll show you the difference presently. Come, madam, we'll place you between us, and now the longest sword carries her.
[Draws.
Mel. [Shrieking.]
Enter Worthy
Oh, Mr. Worthy! save me from these madmen!
[Exit with Worthy.
Plume. Ha! ha! ha! why don't you follow, sir, and fight the bold ravisher?
Brazen. No, sir, you are my man.
Plume. I don't like the wages; I won't be your man.
Brazen. Then you're not worth my sword.
Plume. No; pray what did it cost?
Brazen. It cost me twenty pistoles in France, and my enemies thousands of lives in Flanders.
Plume. Then they had a dear bargain.
Enter Sylvia, in Man's Apparel
Syl. Save ye, save ye! gentlemen.
Brazen. My dear, I'm yours.
Plume. Do you know the gentleman?
Brazen. No, but I will presently – Your name, my dear?
Syl. Wilful, Jack Wilful, at your service.
Brazen. What, the Kentish Wilfuls, or those of Staffordshire?
Syl. Both, sir, both; I'm related to all the Wilfuls in Europe, and I'm head of the family at present.
Plume. Do you live in the country, sir?
Syl. Yes, sir, I live where I stand; I have neither home, house, or habitation, beyond this spot of ground.
Brazen. What are you, sir?
Syl. A rake.
Plume. In the army, I presume.
Syl. No, but I intend to list immediately. Lookye, gentlemen, he that bids the fairest, has me.
Brazen. Sir, I'll prefer you; I'll make you a corporal this minute.
Plume. Corporal! I'll make you my companion; you shall eat with me.
Brazen. You shall drink with me. Then you shall receive your pay, and do no duty.
Syl. Then you must make me a field-officer.
Plume. Pho, pho, pho! I'll do more than all this; I'll make you a corporal, and give you a brevet for serjeant.
Brazen. Can you read and write, sir?
Syl. Yes.
Brazen. Then your business is done – I'll make you chaplain to the regiment.
Syl. Your promises are so equal, that I'm at a loss to chuse. There is one Plume, that I hear much commended, in town; pray, which of you is Captain Plume?
Plume. I am Captain Plume.
Brazen. No, no, I am Captain Plume.
Syl. Heyday!
Plume. Captain Plume! I'm your servant, my dear!
Brazen. Captain Brazen! I'm yours – The fellow dares not fight. [Aside.
Enter Kite
Kite. Sir, if you please —
[Goes to whisper Plume.
Plume. No, no, there's your captain. Captain Plume, your serjeant has got so drunk, he mistakes me for you.
Brazen. He's an incorrigible sot. Here, my Hector of Holborn, here's forty shillings for you.
Plume. I forbid the bans. Lookye, friend, you shall list with Captain Brazen.
Syl. I will see Captain Brazen hanged first; I will list will Captain Plume: I am a free-born Englishman, and will be a slave my own way. Lookye, sir, will you stand by me?
[To Brazen.
Brazen. I warrant you, my lad.
Syl. Then I will tell you, Captain Brazen, [To Plume.] that you are an ignorant, pretending, impudent coxcomb.
Brazen. Ay, ay, a sad dog.
Syl. A very sad dog. Give me the money, noble Captain Plume.
Plume. Then you won't list with Captain Brazen?
Syl. I won't.
Brazen. Never mind him, child; I'll end the dispute presently. Harkye, my dear!
[Takes Plume to one Side of the Stage, and entertainshim in dumb Show.
Kite. Sir, he in the plain coat is Captain Plume; I am his serjeant, and will take my oath on't.
Syl. What! you are serjeant Kite?
Kite. At your service.
Syl. Then I would not take your oath for a farthing.
Kite. A very understanding youth of his age: but I see a storm coming.
Syl. Now, serjeant, I shall see who is your captain, by your knocking down the other.
Kite. My captain scorns assistance, sir.
Brazen. How dare you contend for any thing, and not dare to draw your sword? But you are a young fellow, and have not been much abroad; I excuse that; but pr'ythee, resign the man, pr'ythee do: you are a very honest fellow.
Plume. You lie; and you are a son of a whore.
[Draws, and makes up to Brazen.
Brazen. Hold, hold; did not you refuse to fight for the lady?
[Retiring.
Plume. I always do, but for a man I'll fight knee-deep; so you lie again.
[Plume and Brazen fight a traverse or two about the Stage, Sylvia draws, and is held by Kite, who sounds to Arms with his Mouth, takes Sylvia in his Arms, and carries her off the Stage.
Brazen. Hold! where's the man?
Plume. Gone.
Brazen. Then what do we fight for? [Puts up.] Now let's embrace, my dear!
Plume. With all my heart, my dear! [Putting up.] I suppose Kite has listed him by this time.
[Embraces.
Brazen. You are a brave fellow: I always fight with a man before I make him my friend; and if once I find he will fight, I never quarrel with him afterwards. And now I'll tell you a secret, my dear friend! that lady we frightened out of the walk just now, I found in bed this morning, so beautiful, so inviting; I presently locked the door – but I'm a man of honour – but I believe I shall marry her nevertheless – her twenty thousand pounds, you know, will be a pretty conveniency. I had an assignation with her here, but your coming spoiled my sport. Curse you, my dear, but don't do so again —
Plume. No, no, my dear! men are my business at present.
[Exeunt.
ACT THE FOURTH
SCENE I
The Walk
Enter Rose and Bullock, meeting
Rose. Where have you been, you great booby? you are always out of the way in the time of preferment.
Bul. Preferment! who should prefer me?
Rose. I would prefer you! who should prefer a man, but a woman? Come, throw away that great club, hold up your head, cock your hat, and look big.
Bul. Ah, Rouse, Rouse! I fear somebody will look big sooner than folk think of. Here has been Cartwheel, your sweetheart; what will become of him?
Rose. Lookye, I'm a great woman, and will provide for my relations: I told the captain how finely he played upon the tabor and pipe, so he sat him down for drum-major.
Bul. Nay, sister, why did not you keep that place for me? you know I have always loved to be a drumming, if it were but on a table, or on a quart pot.
Enter Sylvia
Syl. Had I but a commission in my pocket, I fancy my breeches would become me as well as any ranting fellow of them all; for I take a bold step, a rakish toss, and an impudent air, to be the principal ingredients in the composition of a captain. What's here? Rose, my nurse's daughter! I'll go and practise. Come, child, kiss me at once. [Kisses her.] And her brother too! Well, honest Dungfork, do you know the difference between a horse and a cart, and a cart-horse, eh?
Bul. I presume that your worship is a captain, by your clothes and your courage.
Syl. Suppose I were, would you be contented to list, friend?
Rose. No, no; though your worship be a handsome man, there be others as fine as you. My brother is engaged to Captain Plume.
Syl. Plume! do you know Captain Plume?
Rose. Yes, I do, and he knows me. He took the ribbands out of his shirt sleeves, and put them into my shoes: see there – I can assure you that I can do any thing with the captain.
Bul. That is, in a modest way, sir. Have a care what you say, Rouse; don't shame your parentage.
Rose. Nay, for that matter, I am not so simple as to say that I can do any thing with the captain but what I may do with any body else.
Syl. So! – And pray what do you expect from this captain, child?
Rose. I expect sir! – I expect – but he ordered me to tell nobody – but suppose he should propose to marry me?
Syl. You should have a care, my dear! men will promise any thing beforehand.
Rose. I know that; but he promised to marry me afterwards.
Bul. Wauns! Rouse, what have you said?
Syl. Afterwards! After what?
Rose. After I had sold my chickens – I hope there's no harm in that.
Enter Plume
Plume. What, Mr. Wilful so close with my market woman!
Syl. I'll try if he loves her. [Aside.] Close, sir, ay, and closer yet, sir. Come, my pretty maid, you and I will withdraw a little.
Plume. No, no, friend, I han't done with her yet.
Syl. Nor have I begun with her; so I have as good a right as you have.
Plume. Thou'rt a bloody impudent fellow!
Syl. Sir, I would qualify myself for the service.
Plume. Hast thou really a mind to the service?
Syl. Yes, sir, so let her go.
Rose. Pray, gentlemen, don't be so violent.
Plume. Come, leave it to the girl's own choice. Will you belong to me or to that gentleman?
Rose. Let me consider; you're both very handsome.
Plume. Now the natural inconstancy of her sex begins to work.
Rose. Pray, sir, what will you give me?
Bul. Dunna be angry, sir, that my sister should be mercenary, for she's but young.
Syl. Give thee, child! I'll set thee above scandal; you shall have a coach with six before and six behind; an equipage to make vice fashionable, and put virtue out of countenance.
Plume. Pho! that's easily done: I'll do more for thee, child, I'll buy you a furbelow-scarf, and give you a ticket to see a play.
Bul. A play! wauns! Rouse, take the ticket, and let's see the show.
Syl. Lookye, captain, if you won't resign, I'll go list with Captain Brazen this minute.
Plume. Will you list with me if I give up my title?
Syl. I will.
Plume. Take her; I'll change a woman for a man at any time.
Rose. I have heard before, indeed, that you captains used to sell your men.
Bul. Pray, captain, do not send Rouse to the Western Indies.
Plume. Ha! ha! ha! West Indies! No, no, my honest lad, give me thy hand; nor you nor she shall move a step farther than I do. This gentleman is one of us, and will be kind to you, Mrs. Rose.
Rose. But will you be so kind to me, sir, as the captain would?
Syl. I can't be altogether so kind to you; my circumstances are not so good as the captain's; but I'll take care of you, upon my word.
Plume. Ay, ay, we'll all take care of her; she shall live like a princess, and her brother here shall be – What would you be?
Bul. Oh, sir, if you had not promised the place of drum-major!
Plume. Ay, that is promised; but what think you of barrack-master? you are a person of understanding, and barrack-master you shall be – But what's become of this same Cartwheel you told me of, my dear?
Rose. We'll go fetch him – Come, brother barrack-master – We shall find you at home, noble captain?
[Exeunt Rose and Bullock.
Plume. Yes, yes; and now, sir, here are your forty shillings.
Syl. Captain Plume, I despise your listing money; if I do serve, 'tis purely for love – of that wench, I mean – now let me beg you to lay aside your recruiting airs, put on the man of honour, and tell me plainly what usage I must expect when I am under your command?
Plume. Your usage will chiefly depend upon your behaviour; only this you must expect, that if you commit a small fault I will excuse it; if a great one I'll discharge you; for something tells me I shall not be able to punish you.
Syl. And something tells me that if you do discharge me 'twill be the greatest punishment you can inflict; for were we this moment to go upon the greatest dangers in your profession, they would be less terrible to me than to stay behind you – And now, your hand, this lists me – and now you are my captain.
Plume. Your friend. 'Sdeath! there's something in this fellow that charms me.
Syl. One favour I must beg – this affair will make some noise, and I have some friends that would censure my conduct, if I threw myself into the circumstance of a private centinel of my own head – I must therefore take care to be impressed by the act of parliament; you shall leave that to me.
Plume. What you please as to that – Will you lodge at my quarters in the mean time?
Syl. No, no, captain; you forget Rose; she's to be my bedfellow, you know.
Plume. I had forgot: pray be kind to her.
[Exeunt severally.
Enter Melinda and Lucy
Lucy. You are thoughtful, madam, am not I worthy to know the cause?
Mel. Oh, Lucy! I can hold my secret no longer. You must know, that hearing of a famous fortune-teller in town, I went disguised to satisfy a curiosity which has cost me dear. The fellow is certainly the devil, or one of his bosom-favourites: he has told me the most surprising things of my past life.
Lucy. Things past, madam, can hardly be reckoned surprising, because we know them already. Did he tell you any thing surprising that was to come?
Mel. One thing very surprising; he said, I should die a maid!
Lucy. Die a maid! come into the world for nothing! – Dear madam! if you should believe him, it might come to pass; for the bare thought on't might kill one in four and twenty hours – And did you ask him any questions about me?
Mel. You! why I passed for you.
Lucy. So 'tis I that am to die a maid – But the devil was a liar from the beginning; he can't make me die a maid – I've put it out of his power already. [Aside.
Mel. I do but jest. I would have passed for you, and called myself Lucy; but he presently told me my name, my quality, my fortune, and gave me the whole history of my life. He told me of a lover I had in this country, and described Worthy exactly, but in nothing so well as in his present indifference – I fled to him for refuge here to-day; he never so much as encouraged me in my fright, but coldly told me that he was sorry for the accident, because it might give the town cause to censure my conduct; excused his not waiting on me home, made me a careless bow, and walked off – 'Sdeath! I could have stabbed him or myself, 'twas the same thing – Yonder he comes – I will so use him!
Lucy. Don't exasperate him; consider what the fortune-teller told you. Men are scarce, and as times go it is not impossible for a woman to die a maid.
Enter Worthy
Mel. No matter.
Wor. I find she's warned; I must strike while the iron is hot – You've a great deal of courage, madam, to venture into the walks where you were so lately frightened.
Mel. And you have a quantity of impudence, to appear before me, that you so lately have affronted.
Wor. I had no design to affront you, nor appear before you either, madam; I left you here because I had business in another place, and came hither thinking to meet another person.
Mel. Since you find yourself disappointed, I hope you'll withdraw to another part of the walk.