Czytaj książkę: «Hot Mess»

1

“Are you going to be okay?”

His question gives me pause. Will I be okay? Was “okay” a hypothetical three exits ago?

All things considered, I’m hurtling through time and space with a guy whose recovery from a serious cocaine addiction matters as much as the rise of his chocolate soufflé tonight. So I answer honestly.

“I don’t know.” My voice sounds far away.

“Well, if you’re not sure, change. You’ll be walking at least five miles between ushering people to tables and the bathroom and running back and forth from the kitchen.”

“Oh, shoes. You’re asking if I’m going to be okay in these shoes.” I glance down at my black platform wedges.

“Yeah, babe. What the hell else would I be talking about?”

He grabs the bottom of my chin and plants a quick kiss on my lips before he rinses a whisk in the sink.

The shells of seventy-five hard-boiled eggs are in the trunk of a car I rented to shuttle all the shit required for tonight’s guests, I took an unpaid day off from work to be here to help and my parents are about an hour away from arriving to this special “comeback dinner,” which will be the first time they’ve seen Benji somewhere other than the headlines in the last thirty days.

And he’s worried about my shoes?

“I’ll be fine,” I say sweetly, knowing now is not the time for a true audit of my emotional well-being. Tonight is about Benji’s big return and my confidence that all—including my shoe choice—will go as smoothly as the house-made butter at room temp that he’s just whipped up.

I find my reflection in a nearby Cryovac machine and take out a tube of my go-to matte pale pink lipstick from my makeup bag. I sweep it across my bottom lip, then fill in just above my lip line on the top for the illusion of a slightly fuller mouth. After all, I know at least half the guest list is here to see what the woman behind the man looks like.

Speaking of lists, I can see Benji in the reflection as well, leaning over a stainless-steel counter consulting the prep list for tonight’s dinner service. He takes a black Sharpie from the pocket of his apron and puts a quick slash through each item as he recites them out loud to himself.

I come up behind him and cast my arms around him slowly; my touch puts him at ease. He curls his left arm up to hold my arms in place and continues to mouth ingredients one by one to make sure he hasn’t forgotten anything. It sounds like sweet nothings being whispered to me in a romance language I barely understand.

Benji crumples the list, a sign he’s successfully on track with everything from the dehydrated goat’s milk to emulsified caramel, and I snap out of my schoolgirl daydream. He turns to face me, shuffles a few steps back in his worn kitchen clogs and bends down to shake out his longish dark hair.

I know what he’s about to do. And for as ordinary as it is, especially to girls like me who routinely wear their hair like this, watching Benji shimmy a hair tie—my hair tie—off his right wrist to tie his mane into a disheveled topknot is like the start of an exotic dance. For anyone who says the man-bun trend isn’t their thing, they’re lying.

The hair tie snaps when Benji tries to take it for a third lap around his voluminous bun.

“Goddamn it!”

“Relax, babe,” I tell him as I zip open my makeup bag and pull out a spare. Crisis averted, I think to myself as I put another mental tally in the “Saves the Day” column.

He reties his white apron for the umpteenth time over a tight black T-shirt that shows off his tattooed-solid arms. I know for a fact he doesn’t work out (unless you consider lifting fifty-pound boxes of pork and beef off the back of a pickup truck getting your reps in) but somehow he’s been blessed with the body of a lumberjack. The only thing missing is the ax, which has been appropriately swapped out for an expensive Santoku knife custom-engraved with some filigree and his initials: BZ.

No doubt he’s got the “hot and up-and-coming chef” thing down: tattooed, confident, exhausted and exhilarated. Hard to believe this isn’t a casting event for Top Chef.

Harder to believe this is the man I get to take home every night.

“FUCK! Are you kidding me, Sebastian? Where the fuck is the lid to that thing?” Benji’s words effectively snap me out of the trance I was in danger of being lulled into. It takes me a minute to realize what happened: his sous chef, Sebastian, has pressed Start on a Vitamix full of would-be avocado aioli, except the lid to the blender is nowhere to be found. Green schmutz has gone flying, marking up Benji’s pristine apron like the start of a Jackson Pollock piece.

“Sorry, chef. I got it on now.” Tail between his legs, Sebastian gets back to work as Benji furiously wipes at the streak with his bare hand. He’s making it worse.

“Benji. Breathe.” I grab his half-drunk can of LaCroix and pour a little onto a clean kitchen rag. While tending to the stain in the hot kitchen, I look directly into those deep brown eyes and give him a reassuring smile. He smells of cigarettes and sweat, garlic and onions. It’s intoxicating.

“I know, Allie. This is just...huge for me. Huge for us. The press is going to be here tonight.” He wipes some sweat off his brow.

“And my parents,” I whisper.

“Oh god, them, too.” He releases the tension by cracking the bones in his neck. A poor substitute, I imagine, for his true preference: a shot of whiskey.

But even a slug of 120 proof wouldn’t take the edge off the fact that Benji’s pop-up dinners are the new It Thing. People salivate at their screens just waiting for him to tweet out the next time and place he’ll be cooking. Why? Because he’s the hottest chef in Chicago and you can’t taste his food at any restaurant. So when he announces a dinner, it’s a mad, server-crashing race to claim one of only twelve spots at the table. And when everyone wants to see how the reformed addict is faring, they’ll cancel all their plans for the day on the off chance they’ll be one of the first to submit a reservation request, followed by prompt prepayment—which all goes to me, the fan-favorite girlfriend of Benji Zane.

I can’t blame his followers for the obsession. Our flash-in-the-pan love story was covered by the most-read food blog earlier this spring, and since then, there have been myriad articles chronicling his love-hate relationship with hard drugs and high-end cooking. Between his unlikely relationship with me, his checkered past and his unmatched kitchen skills, Benji’s managed to divide people like we’re talking about health-care reform or immigration.

Half see him as a prodigy in the kitchen who was given a second chance when some no-name poster child of millennial living suddenly inspired him to get clean. The other half of Chicago views him as an all-hype hack who uses the media attention to rob his patrons of their hard-earned money so he can get his next score.

Fuck those people. Because the Benji that I know, that I live with...well, he’s a stand-up guy whose brunch—and bedroom—game happens to be on point.

“Listen, babe,” I say. “What did I tell you? I’m not going to let you down tonight, okay? I’ll pace the seating however you need me to. I’ll greet the press and spot the critics, too. We got this, okay? I believe in you.” And I do.

I don’t always agree to help Benji at his pop-ups—usually I just accept the reservation requests and keep the books straight. But tonight is different. Benji told me yesterday that he’s got an outstanding dealer debt to pay off and so he’s oversold the dining room by about twenty-five chairs to try to make a little extra cash. Without me here to help host a guest list of this size, this highly publicized dinner would look and feel more like a dysfunctional family reunion. Something I’m sure the piranha-like press would love to write about.

I wanted to be pissed about this little “oops” moment. How careless could he be? Now, by over-inviting a horde of geeked-out foodies, and in the past, by racking up a $2,000 coke bill. But he assured me it’s just one of those things that needs to be handled in order for him to move on with his sobriety. And that’s what I signed up for by being his girlfriend: unconditional support and a back that would never turn on him.

He’s even arranged for Sebastian to be the one to hand over the cash tonight after the last diner goes home. Consider it just another example of how hungry people are to work alongside Mr. Zane. The same set of hands is willing to debone fifty squab and pay off gangbanging drug dealers from the South Side, all in the same night.

I don’t blame Sebastian, though. There’s something about Benji that makes you want to strap in for the ride. It’s like rushing a sorority: you’ll do what you need to do to get in, because ultimately, you end up part of something bigger than yourself. I just don’t think any of us know what that something is yet.

At least that’s the way I see it from my vantage point, which is currently the groin area of a brand-new apron that was marked with an unsightly stain until I stepped in.

“See, babe?” I say. “All clean.”

Benji pulls me in for a kiss, his hand cupped around the back of my neck. With my French twist fragile in his palm, I feel the stress in the kitchen disintegrate. I’m no superhero, but if I were, my power would surely be managing to make it all okay for him, every time. It doesn’t even matter that there’s garlic burning in a sauté pan, my lipstick is now smeared, or that my work email is probably blowing up with a hundred notifications an hour.

“You’re my rock, babe,” he tells me, tucking a few strands of loose hair behind my ears. I love hearing that I’m doing a good job, because it’s not always easy.

“Okay, so here’s the final guest list,” he says, getting back to business. Benji hands me a piece of paper from the back pocket of his charcoal gray skinny jeans. At the top, Aug. 20 Pop-Up is underlined in black marker. I give the list a quick once-over.

“So seating begins at seven, tables are set as rounds and the largest group is a party of six. Simple enough,” I say.

“Well, it’s more than just ushering people to their chairs.” He tenses back up. “After everyone’s seated, I’ll need you to run food and bus tables if we get in the weeds.”

“Weeds?”

“Busy as shit.”

“Ah. Okay.”

“And water. Constantly. You should be carrying the pitcher and filling any glass that’s lower than two-thirds.”

“Got it.”

“Pay attention to what people are saying. Any issues, come find me immediately.”

“Obviously.”

“And as we’re wrapping, make sure you call a cab for anyone who’s too drunk to drive. The last thing I need is bad press about a deadly DUI from someone I fed.”

“Anything else, your highness?” I jest to lighten the mood. I get that he’s on edge, and rightfully so. So am I, to be frank. This mini-romper won’t be forgiving in the derriere area should anyone drop a fork while I’m rehydrating them. I also barely know the difference between kale and spinach, and am about to play hostess to a room full of people who are jonesing to fire off a photo or two of this year’s culinary celeb couple to their judgmental social sphere. It’s a lot.

“Very funny. And yes, there is one more thing. Mark and Rita just texted me. They can’t make it tonight. Couldn’t find a sitter for Maverick or something.”

While it would be great to finally meet Benji’s sponsor, Mark—and his wife, Rita—I’m okay with the last-minute cancellation. Two less comp seats means more profit and less work for Benji. It also means two less people who I need to impress on the spot. Especially people whose job it is to spot bullshit. They’ll be missed by Benji, I’m sure, since they’re basically the parents he never had from what I gather. But hopefully he’ll just shake it off.

“I’m sorry, that sucks. It’s tough with kids,” I say, like I know.

“Yeah, it’s whatever. I told them we’ll see them next weekend. Anyway, can you just promise me something?”

“Of course.”

He looks me dead in the eye and says: “Promise that you’ll fuck me after this is all done.”

Blood rushes to places it hasn’t since I lost my virginity on Valentine’s night my freshman year of college. I know, I know. That’s totally cliché. But what was your first time like? Okay then, let’s not judge.

Speaking of clichés, now would be a good time to mention that I fell for the bad boy. And being “that girl” doesn’t end there: just imagine a more basic version of Selena Gomez with a day-old blowout, tucking her leggings into Uggs when the temperature falls below seventy degrees. Give or take a Pumpkin Spiced Latte and a Real Housewives viewing party, and you’ve just about got me—Allie Simon—pegged. I’m the last person someone like Benji Zane would want to date and the first person the food blogosphere has been able to confirm he actually is dating. I give him a wink and turn toward the dining room. I’ve got a little time before our first guests are set to arrive and I need to get my game face on. I need to feel less like someone whose superhot boyfriend wants to ravish her across the very counter the amuse-bouches are being prepped on and more like someone who knows on what side of the plate the fork goes.

Tonight’s pop-up is in a small ballroom on the forty-fifth floor of a high-rise luxury apartment building way up on the North Side. For a Friday night, it’ll be a bit of a clusterfuck for anyone who lives in the heart of Chicago, the Loop, or out in the suburbs like my parents, to get up here, but the views of the boats on Lake Michigan and the sunset reflecting off the buildings in the skyline will be so worth it. This summer evening is the kind of night Instagram was made for.

How Benji secured the venue this time is a doozy. He put an ad on Craigslist: “Party Room Needed.” Said he couldn’t pay money for the space, but would leave all his leftovers behind and the secret to “a roasted chicken guaranteed to get you laid.” Thirty minutes later, some teenager whose parents live in the building dropped off the keys to the penthouse floor. It never ceases to amaze me the things people will do just to feel like they have a personal connection to the Steven Tyler of the food world. Alas, here we are.

I push on the balcony door handles fully expecting they’d be locked. But they pop down with ease and the warm summer wind hits me in the face. I grab the railing, close my eyes and suck in that city air.

I don’t breathe enough. Not like this, deep and alone. I have to admit that being Benji’s girlfriend sometimes feels like sitting in the passenger seat as he drives 110 miles per hour on the freeway in a jalopy with no seat belts. It’s easy to get overwhelmed, but I remind myself that Benji came into my life for a reason. Every douchey, going-nowhere guy I dated before him was worth it because they led me to him: a beautiful genius who knows exactly who he is and what he wants. A guy with talent, charisma and nothing but pure adoration for me. So what if he had a flawed start? All that matters is that I stopped the top from spinning out of control and now we’re good. We’re really fucking good.

Just then my phone, which I have stashed in my bra (hey, no pockets, okay?), buzzes with a text. I dig around in my cleavage and read the message from Benji.

2-top off elevator. It’s time, babe.

* * *

My feet are aching and I’m sweating, but as far as everyone can tell by the smile on my face, I’m having a grand old time filling water glasses. By now, we’re more than halfway through the service and so far, Benji’s only used the bottle of bourbon in the back for a caramel-y glaze on the dessert course, not to ease the kitchen chaos. In fact, in the ten or so times I’ve popped my head in to check on him, he appeared to be keeping his cool entirely.

“And how are you two enjoying your evening?” I say, hovering over a couple at a round-top table I haven’t checked on yet.

“There she is.” My dad wipes his mouth as he stands up to give me a hug. My god, he’s wearing a wool suit and a silk tie. Overdress much?

“What do you think of the food?” I ask.

“It’s outstanding, Allie. Say, can we get another one of those Sriracha Jell-O cubes?”

“Goodness, Bill, don’t embarrass me like that. Just ignore him, Allie. Although, yes, the Sriracha cube was...” My mom, Patty, closes her eyes, puckers her lips and explodes an air-kiss off the tips of her fingers. I think that’s mom code for amaze-balls.

“I’m really glad you guys could make it,” I say. And I mean that. It’s not easy to accept the fact that your daughter is dating the most talked-about, tattooed chef in the Midwest, let alone show your support by attending a BYOB makeshift dinner party on the far North Side.

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world. And hey, I couldn’t figure out how to get the flash on this dang iPhone to work, but I took a bunch of pictures,” my dad says. “You’ll have to explain later how I’m supposed to send them to you.”

I’m positive they will all be blurry, but it’s the thought that counts.

“Is Benji going to come out?” my mom asks, playing with the pearls on her necklace. Her question captures the attention of strangers sitting across the table and now everyone’s eyes are on me.

“We’ll see,” I say, knowing that answer isn’t good enough. Not for anyone in the room who paid to be here. “You’ll have to excuse me. I’ve got to keep checking on other tables. Love you guys.”

As I make my rounds, everyone seems to be gushing over the fifth and final course of the night: grilled fig panna cotta with a bourbon, honeycomb drizzle over vanilla bean gelato. I hear one person whisper it was better than Alinea’s dessert. Another says she just had a foodgasm. At that, I set down the water pitcher and offer to clear a few dirty plates back to the kitchen. When no one is looking, I dip my pinky into some melted gelato and run it through a glob of the bourbon honey before quickly licking it off my manicured finger.

Heaven. Pure heaven.

Even though there’s no negative feedback to report to the kitchen and everyone is stuffed, I can tell people are saving room for one more culinary delight.

They want to see Benji Zane.

Put it this way: sure, the tenderness on the squab was on point. And yes, the scoop of gelato was spherical as fuck. But as rock-star as his dishes may be, these people are here for something else entirely. They’ve ponied up to get up close and personal with Benji Zane and not just because he’s easy on the eyes. To them, this is the Reformed Addict Show. It’s their chance to witness firsthand if he’s turned over a real leaf this time, or if he’s just moments away from the downfall more than a few food bloggers think is coming.

My money is on the former.

Does that make me a naive idiot? Maybe. But these people don’t know Benji like I do. The one thing I’m sure of is that I am Benji’s number one supporter. If I waver from that, I know the chances of a slip are greater, so it’s not something I’m willing to do. Especially not since we live together. I mean, you try staying ahead of the curve when your roommate has a kinky past with cocaine.

“Benji?” I say, cracking the kitchen door open a few inches. “Can you come here a sec?”

He puts down his knife roll and heads to the doorway, tapping Sebastian on the way over and telling him to take five.

“What is it? Everything good?” I can see the anxiety in his eyes. Whether it’s an audience of one or a roomful of skeptical diners, Benji cuts zero corners when it comes to his cooking. He wants tonight to go seamlessly and if he’s not pulling a huge profit in the end because of some dealer drama, well, then, his reputation among these unsuspecting people needs to be the thing that comes out on top.

“Everything’s great,” I whisper. “But are you going to step out? I think people want to applaud you. They loved everything. Honestly, it was the perfect night.”

Benji’s not shy. Not by a long shot. But I can tell he’s delayed making his cameo until I offered up the reinforcement that people really are waiting in the wings like Bono’s groupies.

“Really?” he asks.

“Really. Look at table eight. Bunch of food bloggers who wet their panties when they ate the deconstructed squash blossoms. I’m pretty sure they’ll have a full-blown orgasm if you just come out and wave to them.”

He peers over me to check out the guests. Table eight is all attractive blondes with hot-pink cell phone cases who must have taken a thousand photos so far. I’d worry, but when your reckless love story has been chronicled on every social media platform since its hot and heavy start, that makes it pretty official: Benji Zane is off the market, folks. Has been since the middle of May.

“Alright, fine. Give me a sec.”

Benji ditches his apron and grabs my hand. Together, we walk into the dining room and all chairs turn toward us. I feel a bit like the First Lady, just with a trendier outfit and a more tattooed Mr. President by my side. I bite back the urge to wave to our adoring fans.

“I just want to thank everyone for coming out tonight. I hope you enjoyed the food. It was my pleasure feeding you. Feel free to stick around and enjoy the view or see Allie for a cab if you need one. Good night, everyone.” Benji holds our interlocked hands up and bows his head.

The crowd goes wild—well, as wild as forty diners who have all just slipped into a serious food coma can go. It’s a happy state, the place Benji’s food sends you. Kind of like how you feel after a long, passionate sex session. When done, you’ve got a slight smile and glow on your face, but just want to lie down for the foreseeable future and possibly smoke a cigarette.

I spot my father standing in the back, filming on his phone as my mother claps so hard, her Tiffany charm bracelet looks like it’s about to unhinge and fall into what’s left of her dessert. Seeing them both smile proudly across the room at who their daughter has wound up with warms my heart. It’s been an uphill battle, but I’m confident we’ve won them over.

Benji whisks me back to the kitchen and before I can congratulate him on a successful evening, he pushes me up against the walk-in fridge. His tongue teases my mouth open and I am putty in his hands. With his right hand, he pulls down the collar of my romper, exposing my black lace bra. He frees my breast and kisses my nipple. My neck turns to rubber and my eyes roll back.

“Benji,” I pathetically protest, very aware that all that separates us from a roomful of people who are currently picking a filter for a photo of the two of us holding hands is a swinging door that doesn’t lock.

He continues kissing my neck, my breast still exposed. “I couldn’t have done any of this without you, Allie.”

“Oh, really?” I say, recognizing that the natural high he’s on is most certainly fueling whatever is happening here. He slips a hand up my thigh.

“You made everyone out there have a good time tonight.”

“I know,” I playfully agree. He pulls my panties to the side. I know where this is going.

“And now it’s my turn to get in on it.”

Before I know it, he’s inside of me and we’re officially having sex against a cooler with forty people standing fifteen feet away, two of whom are my doting parents.

Sex between me and Benji has always been explosive. It’s like he knows exactly what I need and where to touch me without me having to give a lick of instruction. Sex has never been like this in my entire life. Granted, I’ve only got about five solid years of experience, but nothing rivals what Benji has introduced me to in the last three months. There’s virtually nothing I’ll say no to with him. Pornos, toys and now public places. Who am I?

I’ll figure it out after I get off. A few hushed moans later, and I’m there.

“You did so good tonight,” he whispers in my ear as he helps adjust my outfit. “Now I need you to go back out there and get everyone to leave so I can fuck you again over that balcony with the view of the lake in the background. Okay?”

I come back down to earth and reply, “Yes, sir.”

Back in the dining room, I brush shoulders with Benji’s sous chef, who’s on his way back to his station. I give Sebastian a nod and return to my post, trusty water pitcher in hand.