The Day I Woke Up
(„The Rainbow Train“)
... a true story...
by Hugh and Renate Carter
This book is dedicated to our wonderful children and their partners.
"More often than we think we are given the gift of a new life, most of the time we are not aware of this! “
-- Erin Washington Carter
Farewell and a fresh start
Sometime in the spring of one particular year, it was still cold and winter was still in its last throes, Hugh needed minor surgery. Nothing major...a day or two in the hospital, then everyday life would go on as usual ... I, Renate happened to have an appointment for an exam with a professor I knew nearby on this particular day of the surgery, this too was to be pure routine.
We left home early so as not to have to hurry. The weekend before, we had been to a training course and had met colleagues. All of this was interesting.
Hugh had decided to have this surgery for quite some time. Everything seemed to be routine that day when we left.
We couldn't find a parking space at our destination. Well, that is quite normal in many cities. There was enough time. Keep calm! Finally, a parking space became available, maybe we had concentrated more on it ...
"Everything is going well," we were still thinking at the time, focused on being on site in time for the appointment.
Hugh had only a small travel bag with him, because he was due to come home the next day or the day after at the latest.
We had to wait for a long time at the reception. That was a bit unpleasant. Then we were sent to a ward. Hugh was assigned to a 4-bed room. Well, that would be fine for this short time!
When we got to the room, we couldn't believe our eyes – did something like this still exist? Four metal beds had been placed closely together, a tiny sink was in the room, shower and toilet in another room on the ward. The room did not look welcoming at all. A strange feeling took hold of us, as if we had been transported to another time. The whole thing reminded me of rooms in old hospitals of the 70s.
Everything felt wrong. Somehow oppressive.
Hugh finally said, breaking through this uneasiness, that he didn't want to stay in that room. Yes, that was the right decision - not to have to stay there! We expressed this at the nurses ‘station and were then directed to a secretary. Hugh was able to move to a 2-bed room on another ward with an additional payment. There was already a patient there and he had literally taken over the whole room and reacted quite reservedly to the newcomer.
The strange mood remained.
Neither of us was aware of it consciously. We noticed it briefly and forgot about it again. We were thinking about the immediate future; there was probably no time to be in the moment.
"Oh well, some things you just have to go through," Hugh said. I didn't understand that at the time.
Before I left the hospital to get to the parked car, a kind of heaviness and rigidity gripped me.
What had happened, what was holding me back? Was it the lack of words being welcomed on the wards, the hectic pace of the staff, their eyes drawn to computers and papers rather than to the patient, the uncertainty as to whether our concerns were being heard?
Then thoughts crossed my mind whether we had thought of everything. I had attached all of my husband's pre-existing conditions and medications to the documents on a separate sheet of paper, with the most important issues written in red, clear and concise.
There was obviously no reason to grasp the whole situation from point of feelings and wonder how this was affecting me. The next item of the day was also already on the schedule - I had to go to an outpatient examination very close by.
Nevertheless, I could hardly break free from my rigidity.
There was the car - so off to the appointment for the examination, at a distance of 20 km. "Tomorrow or the day after tomorrow I'll pick up Hugh again," I said to myself mentally.
When I arrived at the outpatient clinic, there was a long wait. "Renate, now don't be so tense and restless! Use the time for something meaningful! “
A book was supposed to steer my thoughts in a different direction, and that was successful. Books have been true companions to me many times in my life. A book has something very beautiful - like a loyal friend - it waits for you at the place where you left it, where you left off - that is exactly where it continues. It is patient - you can read it again and again until you understand it.
My thoughts were interrupted by the high-pitched ringtone of my cell phone.
I had not turned it off, quite unusual for me - when visiting a doctor or in hospital I always turn the thing off! At least at that time I did it that way, but not today ... "Okay, I'll answer it then." I moved a little away from the waiting room into a hallway and suddenly heard on the other end of the line, "... we have been resuscitating your husband for 30 minutes, it doesn`t look good at all!"
Absolutely unimaginable sensations flooded me. My heart seemed to stop and I could hardly breathe, my head was pounding and I seemed to freeze into a concrete pillar.
A great fear stood right in front of me, like a monster that wanted to eat me.
Finally, I was able to say something again.
Almost mechanically, I said, "I'm coming, immediately. “
But how I was to do just that seemed to be impossible at that moment.
"Renate, get a grip! You have to get to Hugh really fast!"
"Car keys?" - "Yes, here they are!"
"Where is the car?" - "I don't know, in the parking garage."
I found my car in the parking garage after I had looked for it on two floors. It's just good that there are these electronic car keys that make the car flash!
Abruptly, something flashed through my mind, "This can't be ... Hugh has had a pacemaker with a defibrillator for years."
The head was pounding, the fear turned into panic.
"I want to see Hugh, now, right now!"
Fortunately, the drive to the hospital was very quick. "Where is my husband? He would have to be in an ICU or still in surgery...I don't know, please help me." " Yes, ICU...."
How endlessly long the hallways in a hospital seem to be ...
At last, I was shown into Hugh's room, to his bedside.
"He's alive!!!"
I soon became fully aware of the difficult situation and it was also explained to me very much in detail.
Hugh was in a deep coma ... with multiple organ failure.
Words spoken: "Say goodbye to your husband, doctor."... "No, no!" said my head... and also my heart. This “no” was huge and very clear. It appeared as a matter of course, alternating with the feeling of the perceived harshness of those words that were said to me and a throat-clenching fear.
My mouth was dry, my tongue seemed stuck in it, not allowing words to the surroundings, only to Hugh.
Fortunately, I have the gift of appearing quite clear and strong in difficult situations, perhaps from my time as an internist and as an emergency physician.
But now this was so different from the emergency room!
My behaviour seemed to become instinctively perceptive, including clear logical thinking.
I was suddenly extremely strong!
My mind was working like the movement of a high-performance clock. But above all, it was all guided by something that came from my heart and the situation also seemed to be somehow sustained by whatever.
Henceforth, nothing was as important as the moment - the moment of perception, feeling, mindfulness, then logical thinking, not the other way around.
This led from uncertainty, doubt, polarity to clarity and unity.
And this feeling was much stronger than this diffuse fear that seemed to freeze me again and again in between. The other feeling gripped me and the room, did not let me doubt, but perceive and decide.
I thank you from the bottom of my heart for this feeling of not being left alone!
Hugh's kidneys were not working, he had been hooked up to many machines and was on a ventilator.
Hugh was deeply unconscious, experiencing multiple organ failure.
The body was in survival mode. He had evaded into this unconscious state during the induction of anaesthesia for the planned operation in order to relieve the brain and body. This is an attempt at regeneration. Whether this attempt could succeed remained uncertain for a long time.
Was Hugh in pain, was he afraid? I felt fear. Was it Hugh's fear or mine?
I felt the shock he had experienced. My medically trained mind told me Hugh was far, far away in a coma and it was completely unclear whether he would survive. But my perception also showed me very clearly how he reacted to all kinds of external stimuli in an extremely sensitive, restless and stressed way, as if he sensed them in all their clarity.
In any case, it was clear that Hugh was under great stress - he reacted strongly to any sound from the environment.
When the brain and body shut down in an attempt to survive, many parts of the brain are still accessible. This is more about feeling than thinking. The parts of the brain below the cerebral cortex have a lot to do with feeling.
It was as if an inner voice told me: "Renate, feel! Feel and be clear and unambiguous in your feelings, which you convey to Hugh. Think and feel, but don't let the thinking predominate. Be mindful, feel!"
The memory came back to me that before people pass from life, they continue to hear for a long, long time, even when they are otherwise no longer accessible.
I had often sat at the bedside of a dying person, in private life and also as a student at a university hospital. I am still grateful that on these wards, where as a student I often took on night duties to earn money, it was customary to put someone aside with a dying person for the last hours between here and there. Those were very personal hours - two people meeting, just as they are, without any lie, one soul touching the other.... and then one leaves, and the other stays a while.... No, Hugh was not there according to my feeling, not yet. Hope came up!
For the next two and a half weeks I was mostly next to Hugh in his room and did everything that was at all possible. I talked to him mentally and verbally, I was as emotionally clear as I could possibly be, trying to provide security, accompanied by love that would stand the test of time.
I informed him about everything that was happening and his physical condition, reported what I was doing and applied everything I had learned. These methods came from various fields of medicine, meridian theory, psychotherapeutic ways of thinking and especially with holistic approaches. I always informed him about his condition and .... when the days passed also about his progress.
Everything was and remained completely uncertain for a long time.
Hopes and fears alternated.
For a long time, experience consisted of an unspeakable number of moments. The world moved in these moments. They were moments of anxiety, but also of growth, togetherness, sincerity, love and also the experience of friendship and help, for which I am and will be unspeakably grateful throughout my life.
Without outside support, I might have been lost in a world of search or seclusion and silence.
Because of ourselves and all this support we could not possibly get lost, but literally awaken, we can now give back our experience to each and every person, including those who have questions or experiences in this direction.