Les Bijoux Indiscrets, or, The Indiscreet Toys

CHAP. XLII.
Twenty-fourth and twenty-fifth trial of the ring.
Masquerade, and sequel of the masquerade

The most extravagant Toys of Banza did not fail flocking whither pleasure called them. Some came in city-coaches, some in public vehicles, and some few on foot. "I should never finish," says the African author, whose trainbearer I have the honour to be, "if I enter'd into a detail of the tricks which Mangogul play'd on them." He gave more exercise to his ring that night alone, than it ever had had, since the Genius presented him with it. He turn'd it sometimes on one, sometimes on another, and frequently on twenty together; and then it was, that the noise they made was ravishing; One cried out with a squeaking voice, "Violins, pray give us le Carillon de Dunkerque;" another in a hoarse voice, "I will have the Sautriots;" "and I the Tricotets," said a third: and a multitude at once call'd for old country-dances, such as la Bourée, les quatre faces, la Calotine, la Chaine, le Pistolet, la Mariée, le Pistolet, le Pistolet, le Pistolet. All these cries were interlarded with a million of extravagances. On one side was heard: Plague take the noodle, let him be sent to school. On another, Must I return then without my earnest? Here, who pays my coach? There, he has slipt away from me, but I'll hunt him till I find him. And again, till to-morrow; but twenty Louis's at least, or there's nothing to be done. And every where in short, speeches, which expressed desires or exploits.

In the crowd, a citizen's daughter, young and pretty, singled out Mangogul, pursued him, and provoked him so, that he turned his ring on her. Then was her Toy heard to cry out: "Why do you fly me? Stop, charming mask, be not insensible to the ardor of a Toy, which burns for you." The Sultan shock'd at this rash declaration, was determined to punish the forward creature. He disappear'd, and sought among his guards some one who was pretty much of his make, gave him his mask and Domino, and abandoned him to the pursuits of the little female cit; who being still deceived by appearances, continued to say a thousand ridiculous things to him, whom she took for Mangogul.

The sham Sultan was no fool, he was one of those who could talk by signs: he made one, which drew the Belle into a lonesome place, where, for above an hour, she imagined herself the favorite Sultana, and God knows what mighty projects were working in her brain. But the enchantment lasted not long. After she had surfeited the pretended Sultan with caresses, she pray'd him to unmask; which he did, and shewed a physiognomy armed with a large pair of whiskers, which did not belong to Mangogul. "Oh! fy," cried the little wench, "fie" – "Fell mine little Shoul," answered the Swiss, "fat you ail? Me tought mee done you kood services enof, dat you no be angry at nowing mee." But his goddess, without answering him, slipt nimbly thro' his hands, and was lost in the crowd.

But even such of the Toys as did not aspire to so great honours, did not fail of lighting on pleasure: and they all took the road back to Banza, thoroughly satisfied with their journey.

As the company was withdrawing, Mangogul overheard two of his principal officers at high words. "She is my mistress," says one, "I have kept her these twelve months, and you are the first who has taken it into his head to tread on my heels. Why do you make me uneasy? Nasses, my friend, apply elsewhere; you will find a hundred lovely women, who will think themselves too happy to possess you." "I love Amina," replied Nasses. "I see none but her, who takes my fancy. She has given me hopes, and you will give me leave to pursue them." "Hopes!" replied Alibeg – "Yes, hopes" – "Zounds, that is not" – "I tell you, Sir, that it is, and I expect satisfaction this moment for the lye you give me." Down they went immediately into the court yard; their scymeters were already drawn, and they were on the point of ending their dispute in a tragical manner, when the Sultan stop'd them, and forbid them to fight, before they had consulted their Helena.

They obeyed, and went to Amina's house, and Mangogul close after them. "The ball has quite spent me," said she: "my eyes are dropping out of my head. You are very cruel folks, to come the moment I was ready to get into bed: but both of ye look very oddly. May I be informed what brings ye hither?" – "A trifle," replied Alibeg. "This gentleman boasts, and even loftily," added he, shewing his friend, "that you give him hopes. Madam, how stands this matter?" – Amina was opening her mouth, but the Sultan turning his ring that very instant, she closed it, and her Toy answered for her – "In my opinion Nasses is mistaken: no, it is not he that madam chooses. Has he not a lusty footman who is a better man? Oh! how foolish these men are in imagining that dignities, honours, titles, names, words void of meaning, impose on Toys. Every one has his own philosophy, and ours consists in distinguishing personal merit, true merit, from that which is but imaginary. With Monsieur de Claville's leave, he knows less of that subject than we; which I will prove.

"You are both acquainted," continued the Toy, "with the marchioness Bibicosa. You know her amours with Cleandor, as also her disgrace, and the high devotion she professes at this day. Amina is a good friend; she has constantly kept up her former intimacy with Bibicosa, and has not ceased frequenting her house, where all sorts of Bramins are met with. On a certain day one of these pressed my mistress to speak to Bibicosa in his favor. 'Pray, what would you have me ask of her?' replied Amina. 'She is a drowned woman, who can do nothing for herself. To be sure, she will be much obliged to you for treating her still as a person of consequence. Believe me, my friend, prince Cleandor and Mangogul will never do any thing for her, and you may freeze in the anti-chambers.' – 'But, madam,' replied the Bramin, 'the affair is but a trifle, which entirely depends on the marchioness: and this it is. She has built a little chapel in her house, doubtless for the Sala, which supposes an Iman: and 'tis this place which I ask' – 'What say you?' says Amina. 'An Iman: you don't consider: the marchioness wants only a Marabou, whom she will call from time to time, when it rains, or when she chooses to have the Sala, before she goes to bed: but an Iman lodged, cloathed, dieted in her house, with a salary, does not suit Bibicosa. I know her affairs. The poor woman has not six thousand Zecchins a year, and you expert her to give two thousand of it to an Iman. Surely this is a strange fancy.' – 'By Brama,' replied the holy man, 'I am sorry for it: for if I had once got to be her Iman, I should soon become more necessary to her; and when one is got thus far, it rains gold and pensions. Howsoever I may appear to you, I am of Monomotapa, and do my duty extremely well.' – 'Upon second thoughts,' answered Amina, with panting interruptions, 'your affair is not perhaps impossible. Pity it is, that the merit you speak of is not known.' – 'One runs no risque in doing good offices to persons of my country,' replied the Monomotapan, 'pray behold.' – He forthwith gave Amina a complete proof of such surprising merit, that from that moment you lost in her eyes half the value she put on you. Well! long live the Monomotapans."

Alibeg and Nasses made long faces, and look'd on each other without uttering a word: but when they had recovered from their astonishment, they mutually embraced; and casting disdainful looks on Amina, they ran prostrate themselves at the Sultan's feet, and thank him for having undeceived them with regard to this woman, and preserved their lives and reciprocal friendship. They arrived just as Mangogul, return'd to the favorite, was relating Amina's history to her. It made Mirzoza laugh, but did not augment her esteem for the court ladies and the Bramins.

CHAP. XLIII.
Selim at Banza

From the masquerade Mangogul went immediately to take rest; but the favorite finding that she had no inclination to sleep, sent for Selim, and pressed him to continue the history of his amours. Selim obeyed, and resumed the discourse in these terms.

"Madam, galantry did not fill up all my time: I snatched some moments from pleasure, which I bestowed on serious occupations; and the intrigues in which I was embarked, did not prevent my learning fortification, riding, fencing, music and dancing; observing the customs and arts of the Europeans, and studying their politicks and military art. On my return to Congo, I was presented to the Emperor, grandfather to the Sultan, who granted me an honourable post in his troops; and I soon was made one of all the parties of the prince Erguebzed, and consequently concerned in the adventures of pretty women. I was acquainted with some of all nations, ages, and conditions, and found very few cruel; whether it was that my rank dazzled them, that my prattle pleased them, or my person struck them. At that time I had two qualities, with which a rapid progress is made in love-affairs; assurance and presumption.

"At first I dealt among the women of quality. I took them in the evening in the circle, or at play at the Manimonbanda's: I passed the night with them, and we hardly knew each other in the morning. One of the occupations of these ladies, is to procure lovers, nay, to decoy them away from their best female friends; and the other, to get rid of them. Thro' apprehensions of ever being unprovided, while they are enjoying the sweets of one intrigue, they squint at two or three others. They possess a number of little arts to attract the man they have in view, and a thousand tricks in reserve, to disengage themselves from their present spark. This has always been, and always will be. I shall name no body; but I knew every woman of Erguebzed's court, who had any reputation for youth and beauty; and all these engagements were formed, broken off, resumed, forgot, in less than six months.

"Disgusted with that world, I passed into its antipodes. I visited the citizen's wives, whom I found dissembling, vain of their beauty, perched on the pinacle of honour, and almost constantly beset with savage brutal husbands, or certain splaw-footed cousins, who acted the passionate lovers with their female cousins from morning till night, and were very disagreeable to me. It was impossible to be alone with these women one moment. Those animals broke in upon us perpetually, disconcerted a rendezvous; and thrust themselves into all our conversations. These obstacles notwithstanding, I brought five or six of these prattling creatures to my intended point, before I finished with any one of them. What diverted me much in their commerce, was, that they piqued themselves, on delicacy of sentiments, and I must value myself on the same; and they talk'd on that subject eno' to make one die with laughing. Besides, they required assiduity of attendance; and in their dialect I was continually deficient in this point. They preached such correct love, that there was a necessity of renouncing it. But the worst of all was, that they had your name eternally in their mouths, and that sometimes one was obliged to appear in public with them, and incur all the ridicule of a city adventure. Wherefore on a fine summer's day I bid adieu to their shops and the whole rue St. Denis for ever.

"People had then the madness of keeping private lodges. I hired one in the eastern suburb, and there successively had some of those girls who are seen and not seen; to whom one speaks, and says not a word; and whom we discard, when tired of them. I frequently mustered a set of friends and opera actresses together, and gave little suppers, which prince Erguebzed now and then honoured with his presence. Ah! madam, I had delicious wines, exquisite cordials, and the best cook in Congo.

"But nothing gave me so great amusement as an enterprize which I executed in a province remote from the capital, where my regiment was in quarters. I set out from Banza to review it; and as that was my only business, I should have been quickly back, were it not for the extravagant project to which I devoted myself. At Baruthi there was a monastery of very beautiful nuns. I was young and beardless; and I contrived how to get admission under the disguise of a widow, who sought an asylum against the dangers of the age. I ordered womens cloaths to be made for me, then dressed myself, and went to offer myself at the grate of those recluses. I met with a very tender reception: they comforted me for the loss of my husband; the price of my board was agreed on, and in I went.

"The appartment appointed me had a communication with the dormitory of the novices. They were very numerous, most of them young, and of a surprising bloom. I was extremely polite to them, and soon became their bosom friend. In less than eight days I was let into all the interests of the little republic, informed of the several characters, and instructed in their secret history; I received confidences of all colours, and found that detraction and calumny are not better managed by us profane mortals. I observed their rules with severity, catch'd the wheedling air and smooth canting tone: and they whispered to each other, that the community would be happy, if I took the habit.

"No sooner had I thought my reputation established in the house, but I fixed upon a young virgin, who had just taken the first veil. She was an adorable nut-brown girl: she called me her mamma, and I called her my little angel. She gave me innocent kisses, and I returned very tender ones. Youth is curious: Zirziphila put me daily on the subject of matrimony, and the pleasure of husbands, and desired me to inform her: I artfully whetted her curiosity; and from question to question I led her to the practice of the lessons which I gave her. She was not the only novice that I instructed; and some young nuns came likewise to be edified in my cell. I managed the hours and meetings so dexterously, that no one interfered with another. In fine, madam, what shall I tell you? The pious widow made a numerous progeny. But when the scandal, which caused many a secret sigh, broke out, and a council of discreet matrons met, and sent for the physician of the convent; I meditated my retreat. Wherefore in the dead of the night, when the whole house was asleep, I scaled the garden wall, and disappeared. I went to the waters of Piombino, whither the physician had sent half the convent; and there, in the habit of a cavalier, I finished the work, which I had begun under that of a widow. This, madam, is a fact which the whole empire remembers, and of which you alone know the author.

"The rest of my youth," added Selim, "was spent in the like amusements, always women, and of all sorts, seldom any mystery, a number of oaths, and no sincerity." "But at this rate," says the favorite, "you have never been in love?" "Psha!" replied Selim, "I thought much of love at that time; I aim'd at pleasure only, and at those women who were most likely to afford it me" – "But," interrupted the favorite, "is there any pleasure without loving? What can it be, when the heart says nothing?" "Alas! madam," rejoined Selim, "is it the heart that speaks at the age of eighteen or twenty?"

"But in fine, what is the result of all these experiments? What have you pronounced on women?"

"That most women have no character at all," says Selim. "That they are most powerfully influenced by three things, interest, pleasure and vanity; that perhaps there is not one of them who is not governed by one of these passions; and that those who join all the three together, are monsters."

"As for pleasure, that I can allow them," said Mangogul, who had just then joined the company: "though little dependance can be had on this sort of women, yet they are to be excused. When the constitution is wound up to a certain pitch, it is an unruly horse, which carries his rider over hedges and ditches; and most women are mounted astride on that beast." "'Tis probably for that reason," says Selim, "that the dutchess Menega calls the Chevalier Kaidar her master of the horse."

"But is it possible," says the Sultana to Selim, "that you have not had the least adventure, in which the heart was concerned. Will your sincerity tend only to dishonour a sex which constituted your pleasures, if you were their darling. What! in so great a number of women, not one that desired, and even deserved to be beloved; that is not to be conceived."

"Ah! madam," replied Selim, "I feel, by the readiness with which I obey you, that years have not weakened the empire of a lovely woman over my heart. Yes, madam, I have loved like other folks. You desire to know all; I am going to tell all, and you will judge if I have performed a lover's part in all the forms."

"Are there any travels in this part of your history?" says the Sultan. "No, prince," replied Selim. "So much the better," says Mangogul, "for I find no propensity to sleep."

"For my part," rejoined the favorite, "Selim will allow me to take a little rest."

"Let him go to bed likewise," says the Sultan; "and while ye both are reposing, I will interrogate Cypria."

"But, prince," answered Mirzoza, "your highness does not reflect, that that Toy will lead you into a string of voyages without end."

The African author informs us in this place, that the Sultan, struck with Mirzoza's observation, took care to provide a most powerful antihypnotic. He adds, that Mangogul's physician, being his intimate friend, had given him the prescription, and that he had put it in to the preface of his book: but of that preface there remains no more than; the three last lines, which are as follow.

Take of —

of —

of —

of Mariamne, and the Paysan Par, four pages.

of the Egaremens du Coeur, one sheet.

of the Confessions, twenty five lines and a half.

CHAP. XLIV.
Twenty-sixth trial of the Ring.
The rambling Toy

While the favorite and Selim were reposing after the fatigues of the preceding day, Mangogul was viewing with astonishment the magnificent appartments of Cypria. This woman had, by means of her Toy, made a fortune equal to that of a general farmer of the revenue. After having been through a long row of chambers, each surpassing the other in richness and elegance of furniture, he came to the great salon; where, in the midst of a numerous circle, he distinguished the mistress of the house by the enormous quantity of jewels, which disfigured her; and her husband, by the good-manship painted on his countenance. Two Abbés, a wit, and three academicians of Banza, were posted at the sides of Cypria's easy chair; and towards the end of the salon fluttered about two Petits-Maitres, and a young magistrate full of airs, blowing on his ruffles, incessantly adjusting his peruke, visiting his mouth, and complimenting himself in the glass that his paint held on so well. Except these three butterflies, all the company was in profound veneration for the honorable mummy, who was seated in an indecent posture, yawned, spoke while she yawned, judged of every thing, judged ill of every thing, and was never contradicted. "How," said Mangogul within himself, who had not talked alone of a long time, and was chagrined at it; "how came she to have it in her power to dishonor a man of a good family, with so wrong a turn of mind, and such a figure as she makes?" Cypria would fain pass for fair; tho' her skin, tawney striped with red, had a good resemblance with a variegated Tulip. With large eyes, she was short-sighted; she was of a squat shape, crowded features, with a long slender nose, a flat mouth, hollow cheeks, and a narrow forehead; no neck, a dry hand, and skinny arm. With those charms it was, that she inchanted her husband. The Sultan turn'd his ring on her, and instantly she began to open. The company were deceived, thinking that Cypria spoke from her mouth, and that she was going to pass judgment: whereas her Toy began in these words.

"The history of my travels. I was born in Morocco, in the year 17000000012; and I danced on the stage of the opera, when Mehemet Tripathoud, who kept me, was named ambassador extraordinary from our potent emperor to the monarch France. I followed him in this ambassy. The charms of the French women soon robbed me of my lover; and I speedily made reprisals. The courtiers greedy of novelty, would needs try Maroquine: for thus they nick-named my mistress. She treated them with great humanity; and her affability in six months brought her in twenty thousand crowns in jewels, as much more in cash, and a neat well furnished house. But the French are fickle, and I soon ceased to be in fashion. I did not mispend my time in galloping about the provinces: great talents require vast theatres. I suffered Tripathoud to return without me; and I devoted myself to the metropolis of another kingdom.

"Un my lord tres opulent, qui voyageoit en France, m'entraina a Londres. Oui, c'etoit la vraiment un homme. Il m'arrosoit six fois par jour, et six autres fois par nuit. Son v-t lancoit des dards de feu, comme la queue d'une Comete. Jamais n'ai-je ressenti des bottes si vives et si bien appliquées. Mais il n'etoit pas possible à la prouesse humaine de continuer ce train long tems: aussi se rallentit-il peu à peu, et je recus son ame distillée par son _Penis_. Il me fit present de cinquante mil guinées. A ce noble Seigneur succederent deux amateurs nouvellement revenus de course. Comme ils etoient amis intimes, ils me chevauchoient, comme ils avoient voyagés, en compagnie; chacun faisant tous ses efforts pour surpasser l'autre en vigeur et en feu. Pendant que l'un etoit a la rade, je remorqueois l'autre par son v-t, et je le preparois à une nouvelle attaque. Par un calcul tres moderé je contai cent quatre-vingt coups de balles, que je recus en huit jours. Mais je m'ennuiai bientot de tenir un compte si exacte: car leurs bordées ne finissoient pas. Ils me payerent douze mil guinées pour ma part des captures qu'ils avaient faites. Dés que l'hiver fut passé, ils furent contraints de mettre à la voile; et ils auroient bien voulu m'engager en qualité d'Allege: mais j'avois deja fait contract avec un Comte Allemand.

"Duxit me Viennam in Austria patriam suam, ubi venereâ voluptate, quantâ maximâ poteram, ingurgitatus sum, per menses tres integros ejus splendidè nimis epulatus hospes. Illi, rugosi et contracti Lotharingo more colei, et eo usque longa crassaque mentula, ut dimidiam nondum acciperem, quamvis iterato coitu fractus rictus mihi miserè pateret. Immanem ast usu frequenti vagina tandem admisit laxè gladium; novasque excogitavimus artes, quibus fututionum quotidianaram vinceremus fastidium. Modò me resupinum agitabat; modò ipsum, eques adhærescens inguinibus, motu quasi tolutario versabam. Sæpe turgentem spumantemque admovit ori priapum, simulque appressis ad labia labiis, fellatrice me linguâ perfricuit. Etsi veneri nunquam indulgebat posticæ, à tergo me tamen adorsus, cruribus altera sublato, altera depresso, inter femora subibat, voluptaria quærens per impedimenta transire. Amatoria Sanchesii præcepta calluit ad unguem, et festivas Aretini tabulas sic expressit, ut nemo melius. His a me laudibus acceptis, multis florenorum millibus mea solvit obsequia, et Romam secessi.

"Quella Citta è il tempio de Venere, ed il soggiorno delle delizie. Tuttavia mi dispiaceva, que le natiche leggiadre sossero là encora più festeggiate delle più belle potte; quello che provai il terno giorno del mio arrivo in quel paese. Una Cortigiana illustre si offerisce a farmi guadagnare mila scudi, s'io voleva passar la sera con esso lei in una vigna. Accettai l'invito; salimmo in una carozza, e giungemmo in un luogo da lei ben conosciuto, nel quale due cavaliere colle braghenesse rosse si fecero incontro à noi, e ci condussero in un boschetto spesso e solto, dove cavatosi subito le vesti, vedemmo i più furiosi cazzi che risaltero mai. Ogn'uno chiavò la sua. Il trastullo poi si prese à quadrille, dopo per farsi guattare in bocca, poscia nelle tette; alla perfine, uno de chiavatori impadronissi del mio rivale, mentro l'altro mi lavorava. L'istesso fu fatto alla conduttrice mia; e ciò tutto dolcemente condito di bacci alla fiorentina. E quando i campioni nostri ebbero posto fine alla battaglia, facemmo la fricardella per risvegliar il gusto a quei benedetti Signori, i quali ci pagarono con generosita. In più volte simili guadagnai con loro sessanta mila scudi; e due altre volte tanto, con colloro che mi proccurava la Cortigiana. Mi ricordo di uno che visitava mi spesso, e che sborrava sempre due volte senza cavarlo; e d'un altro il quale usciva da me pian piano, per entrare sotilmente nel mio vicino; e per questo bastava fare sù e giù le natiche. Ecco una uzanza curiosa che si prattica in Italia."

Cypria's Toy continued her history; in a strain half Congese and half Spanish. In all probability it was not a sufficient master of the latter language, to employ it alone. "A language is not learnt," says the African author, who would sooner hang himself, than miss a common observation, "without talking it much: " and Cypria's Toy had little or no time to talk at Madrid.

"I fled from Italy," said the Toy, "notwithstanding some secret desires that called me back, influxo malo del clima! y tuve luego la resolucion de ir me a una tierra donde pudiesse gozar mis fueros, sin partir los con un usurpador. I travelled into old Castille, where I was brought back to my simple functions: but this did not gratify my revenge. Le impuse la tarea de batter el compas en los bayles che celebrava de dia y de noche; and he performed so well, that we were reconciled. We appear'd at the court of Madrid as good friends. Al entrar de la ciudad, I link'd con un Pape venerable por sus canas: happily for me: for he had compassion for my youth, and gave me a secret, the fruit of sixty years experience, para guardar me del mal de que merecieron los Franceses ser padrinos, por haver sido sus primeros pregones. With this receipt, and a relish for cleanliness, which I vainly endeavoured to introduce in Spain, I preserved myself from all accidents at Madrid, where my vanity alone was mortified. My mistress, you know, has a very little foot. Esta prenda es el incentivo mas poderoso de una imaginacion Castellana. A little foot, serves for a pasport at Madrid to a girl, que tiene la mas dilatada fima entre las piernas. I resolved to quit a country, where I owed the greatest part of my triumphs to a foreign merit; y me arrime a un definidor muy virtuoso que passava a las Indias. Under the wings of his reverence I saw the land of promise, that country where the happy mortal without scandal carries gold in his purse, a ponyard under his girdle, and his mistress behind him. How delightful a life is spent there! What nights! Gods, what nights! Hay de mi! al recordarme de tantos gustos me méo – Algo mas – Ya, ya – Pierdo il sentido – Me muero —

"After spending a year at Madrid, and in America, I embarked for Constantinople. There I could not relish the customs of a people, by whom Toys are lock'd up; and I soon quitted a country, in which my liberty was in danger. However, I practised sufficiently with the Mussulmans, to perceive that they are much improved by their commerce with the Europeans: and I found in them the levity of the French, the ardor of the English, the strength of the Germans, the longanimity of the Spaniards, together with strong tinctures of the Italian refinements: in a word, a single Aga is worth a cardinal, four dukes, a lord, three grandees of Spain, and two German princes.

"From Constantinople I came, as you know, gentlemen, to the court of the great Erguebzed, where I formed the most amiable of our nobility: and when at length I became good for nought, I threw myself on that odd figure there," says the Toy, singling out Cypria's husband by a certain familiar gesture. "Gods, what a fall!"

The African author closes this chapter with an advertisement to the ladies, who might be tempted to order a translation of those parts of the the narrative, where Cypria's Toy expressed itself in foreign languages. "I should be wanting," says he, "to the duty of an historian, by suppressing them; and to the respect which I bear the sex, by preserving them in my work; without acquainting virtuous ladies, that Cypria's Toy had excessively spoil'd its speech in travelling, and that its narratives are infinitely more free than any of the clandestine lectures which it ever made."