The Remarkable History of Sir Thomas Upmore, bart., M.P., formerly known as «Tommy Upmore»

CHAPTER XXX.
PERFIDY

Anything of that kind makes me sad; because I am in such a struggle to believe, what everybody now has settled long ago – and the younger he is, the more he feels it – that all our forefathers, in comparison with us, were low savages, fools, and brute beasts of the earth. And doubtless, to this perception of the nature, from which we ourselves descend – or rather, by some gift (more marvellous a thousandfold than mine) ascend, tower above their wretched loins, and soar into the seventy-seventh heaven, or at least as much as we have left of it undemolished – to this pure disdain of the brutes who begot us, are due our strong yearning towards, and reverend faith in, the great father of us all, – a little snail, without a head.

But so long as my nature is so disloyal to that great All-father, as to want a hat; thoughts will come into that superfluous, and therefore universally weak, part of the present human being, which goes into the chimney-pot – evolved, alas! as a penalty for that disloyalty. Oh, that Father Mollusk could only have foreseen a tithe of the woes, which the evolution of a head would entail upon his headstrong descendants! Unwise was he in his generation; and some Satan must already have been in posse, or why did Mother Mollusk – But such questions are not Science; which allows no question of her bashful physiology.

Happier would have been my position now, if the survival of the fittest had omitted me, or at least had restored me to the patriarchal state of headless existence, at the bottom of the sea. All birds are now proved to have been evolved from lizards; which accounts for my complicity with the Saurian race, and their influence upon my destiny. And another piercing genius has certified us, that the canine race, being threatened with extinction, after milliards of years, by hydrophobia,² lay down, and eccn[=e]sted the protoplastic flea; who took to his labour of love, with congenital tripudiation, and rescued the author of his origin from impending annihilation thus.

Hydrophobia was the product of ennui, of lying chained up in the sun, and meditating too profoundly, as all dogs do. Thus, a dread of the depths of reflection was instituted in the mind of Towser, which developed, in the intellect of his descendants, into hydrophobia; and must have undone them to the ends of their tails, without the evolution of the genial flea. He, with an infusion of fresh blood, sprang forth, developed, his saltatory powers, by development of long legs – or vice versâ, for I am not sure which way that link goes, – and has ever since satisfied the exigency that developed him, by preserving every son of a dog thence generated, from the paraphrenitis of nothing to scratch.

 
"Acrior illum
Cura donat."
 

I thought of all this, (though without any room for the moral lesson it so well conveys) as I came upon old Grip, spread out largely in the sun, upon the pet flower-bed, upon the pet lawn, of that elegant Rus in urbe, as the house-agent called it – "Placid Bower." Grip had caught a lizard, which he did not care to eat, getting more in the trencher way, than he could away with, and finding his teeth more and more like a hay-rake, which has done its work upon a score of farms, by August. But it was against all the principles of his life, and the time-honoured policy of the nation he belonged to, to let go a hold he once had laid. And yet, as I could see by the twitching of his shoulder, and munch of his lip, he could scarcely tell how to defer the crisis, and climax, of a thoroughly exhaustive scratch. For no one durst wash him, except myself; and I had never been near him, for six hot weeks.

Poor old chap! It made all my low spirits go lower, to think that he could never more hear me, or see me, until I came as nigh him, as the length he once could jump. There was no need to chain him up any more, for fear of his flying at some visitor. He had lived in the world such a length of time now, that he cared not to strive any more against vice; unless it came meddling with his own dear belongings. All that old interest, of sticking up for honesty, he had long since resigned to his Oxford son, Grapple; whom he now approached with great consideration, through the loss of his teeth, and the stiffness of his loins. Grapple was bodily as good as Grip had been, in his fighting hey-day, neither was his pluck inferior; but the difference between them, in warmth of heart, and faith, and steadfast loyalty, was almost as great as that grown up, between our grandfathers and ourselves.

But I did not expect, well aware as I was of his staunch, and well-proven fidelity, such warmth, and I might say such wildness of welcome, as the ancient dog afforded me. When I called out "Grip," he pricked up his ears, as if he could never more believe them; and then he turned his poor eyes, spread with film; and looked at me, as if I were a memory. Beginning to get an idea of some bliss, he slowly arose, and shook himself; but still with his dull eyes set on me, and a tremulous inquiry of his worn-out tail.

"Grip," I said, "Grip, what an old stupe you are!" and the sudden joy made a young dog of him. With a mighty bark, such as he never expected to compass again, he leaped up at me, and put his great ossified paws on my breast, and offered me the delicate refreshment of his tongue. Then he capered about, and made such a proclamation, that the servants rushed out; and seeing me rushed back, to get things a little tidy, before they let me in.

I found that my mother was still from home, but expected to come back that night, and had written, to have the best bedroom prepared, for an invalid gentleman whom she would bring. This would, of course, be her brother William, of whom I had fully thought to hear as dead, and was greatly pleased to find it otherwise, having kind memories of him, and being uncommonly short of relatives.

As there was still a good piece of daylight, and it seemed dull to sit there by myself, I resolved to reward the faithful Grip, by taking him to see his native land, as he fairly might consider Maiden Lane. So we set forth together to call on Mr. Chumps, who still carried on his nutritious business, and wore the blue apron more stoutly than ever.

"Ha, my lad!" he cried, as I opened the shop-door, which rang a sharp tocsin against beef and mutton-reivers, "you are come just in time for a glass of the fizzing. Have you heard the good news? No, I s'pose not; you've been down among all them swells, so long. Wonder almost, you would deign to look us up. Go on into the parlour, with the missus, and our Linda. In ten minutes thirty seconds, I shall put the shutters up, and wouldn't take 'em down for the Dook, or his Royal Highness. Leastways, I might for H.R.H., if he were going to give a supper-party; but not for his Grace, – won't have shanks with his legs. Bill will be back in ten minutes; go in, lad."

In the parlour I found Mrs. Chumps, and her daughter Belinda, and some one else sitting in the corner, who seemed to be doubtful about turning round, at the sound of my voice, or whatever it might be. The room was rather gloomy, from a balcony over the windows, and the evening now set in; and I thought, what a very shy young lady they have got! Or perhaps, she has had too much tea and cake, and is gone fast asleep in the corner. Not to disturb her, I sat down far away.

"Poor dear!" said Mrs. Chumps, who was looking very well, and you might say ten years younger, with a new front to her hair, and a pink binding to her bosom, and a pair of long-skirted kid-gloves on her lap, and a juvenile jacket with Bohemian scollops, hung behind her, as if she had just pulled it off – which she never could have done, unless born in it. "Poor dear, she naturally feels it so deeply. Oh, Tommy Upmore, you men never feel!"

"Don't we?" I replied, while wondering who the poor dear was, and what her feelings were. "Mrs. Chumps, if you had only seen the stroke of our eight, that beat Cambridge three years running, when he was compelled to have his wise tooth out, and he had only cut it two years, I can assure you, and the dentist attributed its state entirely to the way the wind came over his left shoulder, and he begged me to support him with my moral presence, that was how he put it, from his demoralisation – "

"How exactly you do talk like your dear mother!" Mrs. Chumps answered, and rather shut me up; for a Bachelor of Arts ought to do more than that. "I dare say the young man felt that deep enough; and my very best sympathies would be with him, having had out, from first to last, five and forty of 'em."

"Ma!" cried Miss Belinda, "Now how can you be so wicked? Mr. Upmore knows better, when he sees them all there. And as for five and forty, and at fifty shillings each – oh, Mr. Upmore, how many have we got?"

"That depends upon circumstances," I replied, for fear of being wrong, having never been told at Oxford, nor yet by Mr. Cope, nor yet by Dr. Rumbelow, nor any of the Classics I had dealt with yet. "Some have got more, and some have less, no doubt."

"Never mind that;" Mrs. Chumps resumed, – "such subjects are meant for young people, or those who have never known what ill health means. But, my dear Tommy, the exact sum is twelve thousand, one hundred, and twenty-five pounds, deducting the duty of three per cent.; and hard it is to have to break the even money. But the poor dear does her best to feel resigned; and the other will have to pay six per cent.; that's one comfort, at any rate. And lucky she may count herself to get it at that reckoning, when the whole twenty-five should have come this way. But there, we must be easier to please, as I'm sure has always been my motto. It will fetch me back to the Church, it will; just when I was going to join the Congregation. They provides in the Church such a tenderness of feeling, as I first learned out of the Catechism. N. or M. it says, and he was both, for his name was 'Nathaniel Matthew,' and he sat at the receipt of Customs. And my Godfather, and Godmother, in my Baptism, wherein I was made an Inheritor. There is no such fine feeling among them Dissenters. Poor dear, it is a sad blow for her! There was tears in her eyes when she told us of it, and no Mammon of unrighteousness could stop them rolling. My son William, who was first of all the Colleges, is gone to the lawyer now, to give the proper orders, as a Barrister of Lincoln Inn is bound to do. She have just dropped in to talk about the mourning; her dear mamma says black; but her mind is too distressful, and not at all suitable to her bright complexion. Lavender, to my mind, is as deep as need be; and the poor dear never seen him till his funeral, that took place at Highgate yesterday. Give us your opinion, Mr. Upmore, if you please; after coming from all their Ladyships."

"But I don't understand, Mrs. Chumps," I answered, wondering at my own stupidity. "I have not the least idea, what the circumstances are."

"No more don't I, altogether. The whole have come such a sudden blow to us. Belinda, darling, run and fetch the papers. Oh, bless the girl, she's gone without the keys, I do believe!"

Mrs. Chumps laid down her gloves, and began hunting in her pockets; then hurried from the room upon her daughter's track, while I sat bewildered. Then a sad sigh issued from the gloomy corner, and a melancholy whisper followed it.

"Oh, Tommy, Tommy, will you ever forgive me? For years, you were the chosen of my heart. But – but you slighted me, you know you did; ever since you became so rich, and grand. Whatever has happened is all your own fault – and – and he is so many sizes bigger."

"Polly Windsor!" I exclaimed, going up to look at her. "Have you been there, all that time, and never spoke a word to me?"

"Oh, how could I do it in the presence of spectators? And I was so afraid, that you would make a dreadful scene, when you heard of all this money, and my perfidy. Oh no, you must never call it that, dear Tommy. You would break my poor heart. When I think of the many times, we have settled almost everything, sitting in the cleanest of the cinder-holes – my dress, and yours, and what the breakfast was to be, and where we would have our holidays – and now, oh now, you can be nothing more to me than the best man, if they even allow you to be that. But I shall insist upon it, and Bill, in return, may settle all about the bridesmaids. Oh, here they come again! For my sake, control your feelings."

I found no difficulty at all in doing this, and was heartily glad when I got at last to the kernel of the story, which was simply this. Mrs. Windsor, who had always spoken very highly of her grand connexions, had an uncle well posted in the Custom-House, and for many years enjoying fine opportunities – such as they seldom seem to get there now – of making due provision, for the benefit of himself. This thoroughly honest old gentleman contrived, by strict economy, and frugal speculations, to die of the value of more than half a plum; and having neither chick nor stick to care for, had left the sum of five and twenty thousand pounds, to be divided equally between his two God-daughters, Polly Windsor, and another yet more distantly related, whose name I have forgotten, but can find out if required. It must not be supposed for a moment, that these facts had any influence whatever on the heart of our Bill Chumps, which had found its purer half, and more exalted aim, in Polly, ever since he passed his little-go. Still, there were so many of the Windsor family, and soap had been so dull of late, and candles had looked down so much, that the paternal purveyor of meat, (more stubborn of fibre than a Clare-market steak), steeled his heart, and his block-knife, against an alliance, which would cost a fellowship of three hundred pounds a year.

Now this Custom-house money had redressed all that. Bill, who was sure to have his way in the end, as he always had done hitherto, was welcome to have it at once, with the blessing of the slaying and the boiling interest. I alone was to be left in the cold; and sympathy was felt for me, whenever I was present. But no sooner was I gone, than I found out once, by coming back sharply for my walking-stick, that everybody laughed, and made a good joke of it; as if I had been served quite right, and taught not to give myself airs – which I am sure I never did! And this imbued me with such a sense of wrong, that I declined to be the bride's best man at the wedding, any more than I would be Bill's bridesmaid; and instead of feeling any envy for him, I was sorry; being morally certain that he would pay out for it. For Polly Windsor's mother had a temper of her own; as my dear father (a very sound judge of women) had said in my presence, at least fifty times, when she had taken up her glass with her gloves on, a thing no right-minded woman ever thinks of doing. And such things can seldom, or I might say never, be thrown off in the female line.

However, it was no concern of mine, what sort of a handful Bill Chumps had got; and the public will perceive, that I should not have gone into this question at all, as I have been obliged to do, except for the stories put about, concerning my share in the matter – which, as you see, was none! But no sooner does a man become highly distinguished in politics – as I have been compelled to do – than everything he has handled (from the time he used his coral) is raked up, and ransacked, and rifled against him. Fifty times, have I been charged at elections, and five times in the House itself, by Irish members, with having jilted the daughter of a brother, and far superior, soap-maker to my father! It is below my dignity, to explain such matters, at the crisis of a very important debate, or even when they are throwing eggs at me. But I do hope, that now having set down the facts, with every word ready to be sworn to, I have heard the last of that vile calumny.

CHAPTER XXXI.
FREE TRADE

When one has been wronged by the outer world, the sooner he gets back to the bosom of his family, the likelier will he be to bear it well; and as soon as the Champagne was finished, I made off. It was useless to be in any hurry with old Grip, for he knew how undignified it is to pant, though the formal cause thereof be portliness; so that by the time we both got back to "Placid Bower," my mother had been at home more than an hour, and had packed Uncle William off to bed.

"Oh, darling Tommy, so weak he is," she told me, as soon as we had heard all about one another, and finished dinner; "I have only got to hold up my finger, and he does it. And I know the day when it was – 'Get away, Sophy;' or 'Do you think I'd put up with such – something – rubbish?' or 'Pack up my traps, if you want to try that game.' And he seems to have something on his mind, that he cannot quite bring himself to tell me, in the few times when he is at all fit to do it. You must understand, that he goes up and down pretty regular, according to the time of day, whenever the weather keeps side with it. Let him have his breakfast, and get up at his leisure, and have the barber in to shave him and the doctor to tell him that his pulse is better, and then let him sit, and see the sun come in, even through a shrubbery of chimney-pots, and tell him that he shall have one pipe, supposing he manages to eat his dinner well, and you should see how happy, and how smiling, he lies back. But, as soon as the dusk comes on, and the daylight goes, and we can find no star to show him, but only dull lamps in the narrowness of the streets, then he seems to lose all hope altogether, and turn over on his back, and put his hands together. And he says, 'Let me die, Sophy; I should like to die, if I thought there was any hope of going up to heaven.' And I say to him, 'William, don't think of such dreadful things; you are not an old man yet, you know.' And then he looks at me, more pitiful than you could endure, if you had known what a lively boy he was; and he doesn't say another word, as if it was all useless, but sighs till you can see his great ribs shake. Oh, Tommy, he brings me down so low sometimes, that I feel only fit to see a clergyman."

"Mother, you don't look at all like yourself," I answered, for she had always been so pleasant; "you never must give way to such melancholy thoughts. Uncle Bill will soon be better, in this fine air here; and we'll show him the sun through the trees, every morning, and the cock that flies up into the weeping-ash to crow, and the lambs on the hill, that have just been shorn, and play like a lot of white mice in the distance. And then in the evening, if he feels down-hearted, we'll shut out the darkness before it comes on, and light up the gas, and a dozen best candles, and play a game of cards to amuse him, or tell stories. I can tell stories now, like fun, of all the larks we had at Oxford; and sailors are like children, so easy to amuse."

"Well, my dear," said mother, "we will do the best we can; and your cheerful countenance is enough to scare the blues. But he is not long for this world, I am sure of that – poor William! But I do feel so thankful, that he will die among his friends."

"Nonsense!" I replied, for I had not seen him yet, as he had fallen into light sleep after painful journey, "you have caught the infection of his lowness, mother. 'However bad the case is, never pull long faces,' as you used to sing to me, when I got caned."

But when I went to look at Uncle Bill, that night, as he lay fast asleep upon his little narrow bed – for nothing would induce him to go into a four-poster – I felt very much afraid that dear mother was too right. I never should have guessed, that this could be my Uncle Bill, of whom I had such playful memories, and to whose buoyant spirits, and frolicsome nature, nothing had ever been known to come amiss. The great frame was there, and the big tarry hands, and the brown wrists tattoed with a true lover's knot, and a Union Jack, and blue anchors. And I still could descry the short stubby nose, which used to give such a merry lift to his mouth, and the scar on his cheek, that filled up when he laughed, as to my recollection he was generally doing. For if ever there had been a man who was fond of his joke, it was my Uncle William. But, alas! there were very few more for him now.

In the morning, I carried his bit of breakfast up, as my mother had arranged it on a little tea-tray; but he took a long time to make out who I was, though my mother, of course, had said a great deal about me.

"Tommy? What Tommy? I remember lots of Tommies;" he said, with a pleasant smile still on his face, although it was so gray and wasted; "there was Tommy, the cook's mate on board the Saucy Lass, and Tommy the cabin-boy, in the Erysipelas, and Tommy the cheating old nigger at Rio, and Tommy that had the dodge for catching flying fish, and Tommy – "

"No, sir, no; your own nephew Tommy. Tommy Upmore, that used to be a little boy at the soap-works, when you came back from sea, and you tossed him through the ceiling, and his head stuck fast. But you are not to talk; you must only think about it."

He obeyed me, like a child, looking at me now and then, as if to refresh his memory, while I held the tea-cup to his lips, and put some buttered toast into his mouth, between whiles. And the great jaws, that used to lift a kitchen-table, could scarcely crush the soft toast, without the tea to help them.

"Mother will come in, and sit with you now," I said, when he had eaten as much as he could manage; "and at eleven o'clock, you will have a bowl of soup, and a glass of port wine; and after that, you go to sleep. We are not going to bother you with any doctor, at least, until the afternoon. And then perhaps Dr. Flebotham, a very clever man, who almost saved my dear father's life, will look in, to have a little chat with you."

"No, Tommy, no," he answered, looking at me steadily, as if his breakfast had supported him; "'twould only be running up a bill for nothing, and your mother has paid a deal too much for me already. But she shall have it all back again, my boy, and a pretty penny on the top of it, if you can keep a secret. I can call you to mind, pretty clearly now; though not a bit like what you used to be, except for the swab on the top of your head. Can you keep a secret, Tommy boy?"

"Sir," I replied, with my eyes upon his, and my countenance full of decision; "it is the very thing that I have always been most famous for, of all the many things that I can do."

In spite of this very strong assurance, he seemed to be doubtful, as if I had said too much.

"How can you be famous for it," he asked, perhaps with some reason, "unless you are accustomed to brag about them? But 'tis Hobson's choice with me, Tommy, between you and your mother. And the youngest lad is safer than the very oldest woman. Get your dear mother to go upon an errand, – the longer the better, – when I am at my best, about noon of the day; and then get me a pipe, to improve my breath; and you shall know what there is, so far as I can fetch my wind to tell it. I remember all about you, my lad, now."

I put my fingers to my lips, to convince him what an enemy I was to excess of conversation; and I saw that he was pleased, and it helped to satisfy him, that there could be no mistake in trusting me. And the way in which I managed to get my mother off the premises, was enough to establish my repute in this way. For I told her what was true, that after all the many years Mrs. Windsor, and she, had been such hearty and warm friends, never falling out – except once for three years, upon the question whether when you sew a button on a shirt, the thread should be wound round the stitches that go through it, before fastening off, or whether (as my mother said) that does more harm than good – after all this staunch and uninterrupted love, it would seem a very heartless thing on her side, if she failed to set off, at the first hour allowed by good breeding for call (which in Maiden Lane was always eleven o'clock, except upon a washing-day), and congratulate her cordially, and find out everything about the engagement of Polly to Bill Chumps.

My dear mother was quite as eager to do this, as I to persuade her of the duty of it; supposing only that Uncle Bill could get on without her, for two hours and a half. Two hours and a half meant five, I knew; for two hours at least would be spent in cabs; inasmuch as my mother never got into a cab, without making the driver go all the way, according to her own directions. This being to him an increase of income, he was glad to navigate accordingly, and enjoyed a geographical lecture at the end of the journey, which was worth another shilling to him. For my dear mother felt a great truth, which has never been properly felt by our School-boards, so that the foundation of their scheme is rotten; viz., that people must be paid for learning; which is perhaps the saddest trial of the human life.

Uncle Bill should have been depressed, and frightened, by this first parting from his kindly watchful nurse; but he took quite a different view of the matter, and resolved to have all the pipes that he could get, and a glass of hot grog, with the window open.

"Surely it is bad for you, sir," I said.

But he answered, "My son, what do you know about it? I am making my accounts up for a better world; and what good-will can I hope for, if I cast them up all dry?"

As soon as he had made himself quite comfortable, with an ounce of best bird's-eye, and three clean pipes, and the appearance of more rum not far off, he said, "Tommy, lock the door, and put the key beneath the baccy-box, and let me know if your dear mother happens to turn back, for women are very liable to do that sort of thing. Very well; now come and sit close by me. I can't spin a long yarn, for want of wind, nor yet a very plain one; but you must help it out.

"About three years ago, after knocking about in a lot of little craft, in the Indian seas, sometimes up, and sometimes down, according to the fortunes of seafaring men, I was skipper of a schooner in the sponge and coral trade, or the Beachymess, or anything that might turn up, from a terrapin to a tarpaulin, as we say. We were trading with the natives, between whiles, every man on his own hook, with his own ventures, while we waited for the super-cargo's orders, according as he landed to get freight. And not being full, he took us to the – well, never mind, what islands, but a very savage part, where the people are idolaters, and cannibals. Here there was a settlement of white men, hailing from every land under the sun almost, where it doesn't turn them black, and make niggers of them. As lazy a lot as could be found pretty well, but they kept themselves with fire-arms against the natives, and collected goods for shipment, in a fort they had set up.

"We had orders from the factor, who was also part-owner of the craft, whose name was the Saucy Lass, to leave him at the fort, for a couple of days, while we made the opposite coast, about three leagues off; to traffic for ourselves, if we could, and to lay in provisions, and our stock of water. For the water at the fort, though very good while fresh, would not keep three days in cask, when out at sea. He showed us where beautiful water could be got, and plenty of cassavas, yams, and such like, and fruit none of us knew the names of. But he warned us to be on our guard, and stand off at night, and keep the brass guns loaded, for the natives of that island were much worse than this; and these were bad enough, in all conscience. There was no reef between the two islands, but one enormous reef round both of them, with water as clear as plate glass inside, and a light air, and sands that shone like snow.

"We found the pretty stream of good water, as he told us, and began to take in our supply with the boats, for we carried more hands than is usual aboard a schooner of three hundred tons, several having shipped without much wages, on the chance of doing something for themselves; and there was not a Lascar among them, but mostly British, and two or three Germans. So that we were not afraid of half a thousand savages, without treachery, or surprise, or some other dirty trick.

"But the part where we landed showed no sign, at first, of having any living creatures upon it bigger than wild pigs, and goats, and an animal something like a hare, that was very good eating; and the quantity of fruit upon the trees was such, that most of us found ourselves doubled up with colic. But I served out a good supply of cordials for that; and afterwards, the fine appearance of the place, and the softness of the air, and the colour of the ground (which was almost as good as a meadow to us) seemed to make us sleepy, and inclined to lie about.

"And it would not be true of me to tell you, Tommy, that I was the breadth of a rope's end better than the hands put under me. I never was very strong for discipline, from knowing that I should not like to have it done to me, and being more used to come under it than over it, according to the want of luck and money. But we happened to have a very good Scotch mate, whose name was Rob McAlister.

"'Captain,' he says to me, when I was lying easy, on a bank of some stuff that was as soft as feathers, and wishing I had somebody to fill my pipe, and light it; 'Captain, it mis-gi'es me much, but we be o'erfeckless.'

"'You go to Jericho, Rob,' I answered; 'or fill my pipe first; and strike me a light, and then go to the top of that rock, and look out.'

"Before I had finished my pipe, he came back, and told me that the woods were so thick inland, that they might hold a thousand people, without showing one. But he felt almost sure that he had heard a screech, not of a bird or wild beast, but a man; and this made me pay some attention, because I knew that his hearing was wonderfully sharp; for he had saved us once, by hearing breakers through a full gale of wind at night, when no other man could perceive the sound.