XXXII.
POLITENESS
I hav looked into the philosophy ov politeness, with grate fierceness, and see the thing in the followin light:
Ginowine politeness is a nice mixture ov vanity and good natur, invigerated bi virtue, and chastened bi policy.
It will take a man along slikly, whose money and impudence, and even religion, singly, would git stuck.
Nobody can stand, without quailing, before a broadside ov ginowine politeness; it will make even a Pawnee Injun grow limber.
It mite not save a man from gitting kicked bi a mule, but it would save him from gitting near enuff tew git kicked.
Thare is one other compound in ginowine perliteness, which gives it terrifick force, and that is deference.
Deference will win oftener than double sixes.
If you want tew beat a man out ov his opinyun, let him hav his own way till you cum tew the forks in the road, then you kan take him jist which road you please.
I am not prepared tew call deference always a virtue, bekause it may exist, and only be an art, or stratagem.
If it is natural, it quite often degenerates into servility, and if artifishall, it merges into fraud, or cunning. Love without deference, is nothing more than a raid.
The deference that exists between equals, (altho pleasant tew look upon,) is not alwus flatterin tew think about; lions are necessarily polite tew each other, but when lions bekum polite tew the lams, then will deference reveal its true sublimity.
Thare is 2 kinds of politeness, the ripe, and the too mutch ripe politeness; a goose has a grate deal ov this last kind ov politeness; i have seen them lower their heds while going into a barn door, that was 18 foot high.
Josh Billings.
XXXIII.
DREAMS
If yu are handsum, cultivate yure boots; if yu are hoamly, hoe yure branes.
"Shut Nu Ingland out in the cold!" – i should as soon think ov shutting the cold out ov Nu England.
I luv tu meet an old feller ov 70 on the rode, hanging on tu a pare ov trotters. Old fellers! don't give up yure pull, till yure obliged tew.
Thare ain't mutch virgin virtchew in this world; it is purty mutch aul Magdalen.
The trew province ov economy is tu see how mutch munny we kan liv the clussest on.
The sudden ritch quite often find themselfs in the same ficks that mullatters are – just above what they started from, and just belo what they started for.
He who draws his experience from the past iz alwus a man, and he who draws his experience from the futur iz always a child.
If yu kant git good clothes and eddicashun too, git the clothes.
Say "How are ye" tew everyboddy.
If yu argy, alwus git beet.
XXXIV.
JOSH CORRESPONDS
Jenkins– Yure letter is full ov very foolish questions, but sum ov them are worth answering.
I kant tell whether dogs are born with a bob-tail on them, or whether they ain't, but i am inclined tew think they am.
I think they am, bekause I never see enny dogs' tails laying around loose, without enny dog to them.
But thare is one thing that bothers me too, and that is, i kant see why it aint just as easy for a dog tew be born with a whole tail on him as with a bob piece, when he is about it; still, if the dog has got tew be skant sumwhare, perhaps it is good judgment tew take it oph on the longest end.
The more we sarch these things, Jenkins, the more curerisser they am.
Natur don't dew ennything without sum good reason of her own. If she raises a bob-tailed dog, she don't dew it for fun, but for the dog's welfair; perhaps the dog, if he had bin borned with a whole tail, might hav had it bit oph by a sheep or sumthing.
So yu see, Jenkins, thare is figureing in aul these things.
As i told yu in mi last letter, you must study natur and wisdum more, and then yu won't hav tew ask so menny phoolish questions.
A bob-tailed dog aint half so apt tew hav the tiphus fever as a long-tailed dog is – this stands tew reason.
A long-tailed dog kan wag more than a bob-tailed dog kan; but wagging ov aul kinds, is about played out.
If i should ever git able tew keep a dog, i should selekt a bob-tailed one, for two reasons. One is, yu git more dog and less tail; and the other is, thare aint no good place for the boys tew hitch a tin pail onto them behind.
I had rather have one bob-tailed dog, if he was ever so small, than tew hav six long-tailed ones, if they was ever so big. I might not be so ritch, but i could invest the other 5 dogs in bank stock, which would be better than nothing.
Thare is one thing, Jenkins, yu, nor no other man ever see, with the naked eye, and that is a long-tailed dog that didn't hav fleas on him.
If yu want to hang up a dog by the tail, I am reddy tew allow that the long-tailed ones are the handyest – but the best way, ennyhow, to hang a dog, is by the neck.
In my next letter tew yu I will tell yu sum more news about dogs, but in the mean time yu must prop yure eyes open, and keep up a devil ov a thinking, and wisdum, by-and-by, will cum and sit on yu, and tell yu awl about it, which ov the two is the most necessary, the bob, or the long-tailed dog.
That part ov yure letter, in which yu ask me about Herring, iz full ov very young and half-biled questions, sum ov which are tew easy tew spend enny time answering; but thare is sum ov them more tuff, which I may as well split up for yu now as enny time.
Herring is a small fish that lives in schools. They are used as vittles, and resemble, very mutch, when they are cooked, a paper ov stewed pins. They are cooked by being tanned in the smoke, and then are et raw. They are generally served up with crackers and water. Crackers and herring are as free from moisture as Daball's arithmetick, and will keep without spileing, as long as the rule ov 3.
They are handy tew eat; you kan eat them on a run, or not, just as yu hav a mind to.
Thare is one thing very awful about a herring; they hav got but one bowell, and that is about the sise ov a chalk line when it is stretched tight; this gives their stummuks a penurious look.
Bones is what a herring has the most ov; they are as full ov bone as a rat's tail.
Yu ask me, "if the herrin and sturgin are the same fish?" This question beats enny one i ever heard ov its sise; a child 2 hours old knows better than that.
Jenkins, yu will either hav tew be born agin, or else pull oph yure shoes and run out tew grass one summer, before yu will kno mutch.
Nimrod– I will write yu more at length after sheep-shearing, and will merely suggest now that yu hav got rong noshuns about mankind in general. Mankind in general is as oncertin as a wasp's nest, and wants as mutch cluss watching as a mule's hind legg.
I hav got so poor an opinion ov mankind in general (as far as i hav got) that if i was in a destitute condishun i would rather trust tew mi luck than tew my virtue for sunbeams.
In relation tew that chunk ov skripture which yu ask me about, "Be yee as wise as a sarpient, but harmless as a deer," don't mistake it for a dose of catnip tea or herb drink; it warn't meant for a weak prescription; it is a kind ov iron-klad missionary ship, and means sharp work, on the sly.
Yure idee about the friendship ov the world is 4 miles tew leeward ov the channel; friendship is like the magnetic needle, thare is certin causes that will make it vary sideways sumtimes, but when it settles down tew stiddy work it alwus pints tew the pole – and the fellow that owns the needle owns the pole.
And as for human happiness, Nimrod, don't hunt for it, and yu may acksidentally cum across sum ov it. Hunting happiness is a good deal like hunting crows; when yu haint got yure gun with yu, yu kan alwas git a grate deal nearer tew the crows.
XXXV.
NUZE CUTS FROM OUR EXCHANGES
The "Shanghi Dispatch" advertises for "a Devil, not over 14 years ov good moral karacter. – References exchanged. – The young Devil will be expekted tew board with his father, espeshily during the cold weather."
The "Nevada Brick" says, "thare will be a total eklips of the moon, next month, visibel with the naked eye, only tew the subskribers ov the "Brick." Send in your subskriptions for the year at onst."
The "Mock Turtle Bulletin" learns "that onions in his lokality won't be more than half a crop, owing tew the number ov akers sewed, and the small size of the seed," and advises hiz patrons "tew lay in their assyfedity now, for the winter, while it iz low."
The "Mohunk Ledger" "highsts the name ov John tyler, solitary and alone, for the next president, and gives hiz reasons." – (We doubt the polisy of this nominashun, for he haz bin run into the ground onse already.)
The "Mutton Hollow Day Book & People's Register" thus reports the acksident, ov a moral karacter, on the Peuterville railroad. "The konduktor ov the 10.15 train going east, when he got tew the end ov his route, had 19 dollars he couldn't account for. This iz the fust acksident ov the kind, ever diskovered on the road, and we kan assure the traveling publik, will probably be the last."
The "Reedsburgh Journal" "learns from good authority, that the wife ov a laborer, in that vicinity, gave birth tew six fine healthy children," and then adds, "but not awl tew onst."
The "Olive Branch" a black republikan sheet, sez, "the grasshoppers, having et up everything green thing in our naberhood, hav pitched onto things blue, sech az whetstones, and demokrats, and are dieing oph bi the thousands, in consequentz."
The "Oakville Banner" don't beleave in the above akount, and adds, "the fackt that the editor of the "Olive Branch" still lives, iz proof enuff that the green things aint all destroyed yet."
In the colums of the "Weekly Bred" of date Oct. 16, we see it announced, that "the sorrel Hen ov deakon Abijeir Phillips lade an egg which weighed, after it waz kold, 7 pounds with an affidavit tew it, before Square Sturgiss, justis of peace." And then the editor goes on to say, "the hen haz bin dewing better ever sinse." – (We should think it would be hard work for her tew do mutch better.)
The "Monthly Reckord" learns, thru her country correspondent, "that the maple sugar krop will be bigger next year, than for the last 90 years, and that we shall have a dreadful hard winter, for the geese are getting reddy; he never knu them so tuff tew bile, as they are this fall."
The "Perary Flower" cums tew us with a long and Abel artikle on punkin pize. The editor sez, "he waz early from konnekticut, and waz born on punkin pi, and would be willing tew die on them almost, with nutmeg in them. He remembers distinktly, how hiz grate grandmother used tew mix them up, and how he used tew dip into the mix, on the sli." He further winds up bi saying, "that it iz az natural for a yankee tew stand on a punkin pi, az it iz for a setter dorg tew sett on a woodcock, or a Frenchman tew point on a frog's hind legs." (I agree with this feller fully; i waz onse from Nu England myself, and punkin pize waz the fust real sass ov mi boyhood, and at this late time ov day, seems to be the principle swivel in the chain, that binds me tew the land whare basswood punkin seeds, and wooden nutmegs, are grown only for exportation.)
XXXVI.
DEAD BEATS
No man ever jumps az fur az he kan, but once.
If the wicked really stand on slippery places, the best thing the rightyus kan do is to keep oph from the ice.
Thare is no religion in simply travelling 4 miles an hour, nor enny actual sin in a 2.40 gate.
"Position is everything;" position of a comma, for instanse. "Thare is a divinity that shapes our ends rough, hew them as we will."
If I was called upon to say how I thought the Devil looked and ackted, i should kompare him to the man who sells rum by the glass, and never drinks enny himself.
Wits are like hornets, – they hav but few intimates.
Thiefs are remarkabel for their taking ways;
Ragmen for their light weighs;
Dairymaids for their sweet wheys;
Boston for her byways.
Courting, – home on a furlough.
I maid up mi mind, more than 6 months ago, that this world wa'n't made for phools; and when i see a man determined tew go to the devil, i generly let him went.
Crippels ar always cross; thay ar nature's libels. I konsider marrying for money no better than stealing it.
I hav seen sum awful bad throte disseases completely cured in 3 days by simply jineing a temprance sosiety.
A pun, tew be irresistable, don't ought to flavor ov malis aforethought; but wants tew cum sudden and apt, like a rat out ov his hole.
How menny men thare is who argy, just as a bull dus, chained tew a post; they beller and paw, but they kant git away from the post.
Monuments are poor investments – the bad don't deserve them, and the good don't need them.
Thare is a grate menny stricktly honnest folks in this world; they wouldn't take a cent from enny man that didn't belong tew them, nor giv enny man a cent that didn't belong to them.
I consider cerimony principally an effort ov vanity, or a kind ov fashionable golden rule, which stimulates folks to do unto others as they would hav others do unto them.
Criticks are generally self-made men, and often poor jobs at that.
Thare is one happiness in me that haint grone an hour older sinst it was born, and that is – the fun of the thing.
The heathens worship wood and stone; christians worship Nevada bricks.
It ain't no credit tew a cow to giv a pail full ov milk, and then kick it over – nor any other man.
XXXVII.
SPRING – MAY, 1868
Spring has cum.
She has bin on the road about a month.
I am glad she has cum, on account ov the grass.
The grass waz beginning tew get oneasy about it.
I hope the cows will eat sum grass forthwithly, so as tew lower down the price ov butter.
Butter has got tew be sassy. 55 cents a pound! Who in thunder ever seed butter so high before?
A feller has got tew go up garret now, tew spread his bread, and then stand on tip-tose tew eat it.
Evrything is hi now!
Dandelion greens has riz; i bought a bushel yesterday, and pade 4 dollars fur it. i wanted a mess, and mi wife sed it was jist like me, bought 6 times tew mutch. i told her tew dry what she didn't want tew bile: they would go good next winter on bukwheat slap-jacks.
She stuk up her nose and slammed the door; but she loves me for aul that, better than enny other woman dus.
As i sed before, spring has cum.
Mi hart begins tew kick up her heels, and i feel a limberness in my soul; i think i must be thawin out.
I hav a nateral gift for spring melankolly.
I luv tew hear a robin sing; it is as sweet as sadness.
I luv tew prokure a violet as soon as i can, each year; there is such a mild impediment in their butiful fases; thay put me in mind ov an orfan child, that has strayed oph into a dell and sot down tew cri.
As i sed before, i am glad spring has cum, on akount ov the new bunnets.
And altho butter and dandelion greens are condem hi, my wife ses spring bunnits is real cheep, (and she knos,) she can get a decent one fur 48 dollars, without enny trimmins.
I am real glad that one ov the necessaries ov life ain't onreasonable.
Potatose and korn beef and ri flour and other luxuries is hi, and i don't kno, fackt, but they ought tew be. If folks will hanker after sich things, let them pay for them.
I am satisfied – Spring has cum, and bunnits are dog reasonable.
Josh Billings.
XXXVIII.
HARTES
Sum hartes is trumps.
The little child's harte has a host ov shaddery things in it, fairy ghostesses, in the distanse, without mutch form, – in the fore-ground, tops, and marbles, rag dolls, and sweet whissels; christmas, with the little old esquire in his tights, and frisky span, loaded with wares for a baby market; dreams without enny meaning, little jelosys, little hopes and curious fears, – strange invoice, but life's capital, in which sleep giants and pigmys, happiness and misery.
Life's capital! which can't be increased, but which may aul be lost.
The little child's harte! look down into it, it is like the vault ov a wild-flower; apparently tenantless but full ov little sekrets, sekrets – unknown tew itself, – sekrets worth knowing, – life's capital.
Sweet little vault whare God has locked up creation's destiny.
XXXIX.
MONOGRAFFS
The happy man iz alwus marrid or expekts tew be.
He don't beleaf in ghosts or ghostesses, nor raleroad acksidence before they occur.
He lives upon milk, and pays az he goes.
He luvs evry boddy, and but fu luv him.
He laffs when he gits wet, and only takes pills tew pleaze other folks.
Like the birds, he waz born happy, and like them he seems tew enjoy it.
The world calls him almost a phool, but his happy ness iz worth more, and cost less than wisdum.
But i consider happiness the easiest tew manage when thare aint much ov it.
Our wretched wants, though they are what makes a man more than a brute, are just what reduces our happyness by expanding it.
Evryboddy kan tell his nabor tew be contented with what he haz got, (this is good news,) but noboddy but a phool can foller it.
Phools are alwus happy, but alas! they don't know it.
Still, thare aint no arithmetic for happiness – a man has to be measured for hiz happiness just az he duz for hiz boots, and then he aint sure but what they will pinch somewhare.
THE HANDSOME MAN AND PRETTY WOMAN
Buty iz one ov them kind ov conquests that don't last long.
It is a kind ov raid, which surprises, but kant hold the territory which it invades.
It is a kind ov meteorick rain, which people may set up a night or two to watch for, but failing tew see it a grate deal, may conclude that it aint much ov a shower after awl.
Handsum men are skase, and it is good that they are, for there is but very little power in man buty, and thare iz more vanity in one handsum man, than thare iz in two droves ov peacocks' tails.
Buty iz another name for effeminacy.
Pretty wimmin are plenty, and i am glad ov it, for wimmin hav a perfekt right tew be pretty; but very butiful wimmin are unplenty, and i am glad ov that ditto, for the chances is, they would use their buty to gain our adorashun rather than our esteem. After awl, grate buty iz a left-handed kompliment, for most ov the silly i have met with, are thoze who believed they was very butiful.
I think i had rather hav a noze 7 inches and a half long, (in the clear) than tew be the hansumest man in our county; for in the fust case, i should work hard tew shorten mi nose bi some other good qualitys, while in the other case, i probably should never be told by my looking-glass that i was a phool.
THE LIVE MAN
The Live Man iz like the little pig; he iz weaned young, and begins tew root arly.
He iz the pepper-sass ov creation – the all-spice ov the world.
One Live Man in a village is like a case ov itch at a distrikt skool – he sets evry boddy scratching a onst.
A man who kan draw New Orleans molasses in the month ov January, thru a half inch augur-hole, and sing "Home! sweet home!" while the molasis iz running, may be strictly honest, but he aint sudden enuff for this climate.
The Live Man iz az full ov bizness az the conducter ov a street kar – he iz often like a hornet, very bizzy, but about what, the Lord only knows.
He lights up like a cotton faktory, and haint got enny more time tew spare than a skool-boy has Saturday afternoons.
He is like a decoy duck, alwus above water, and lives at least 18 months each year.
He is like a runaway hoss; he gits the whole ov the road.
He trots when he walks, and lies down at night only bekauze everyboddy else duz.
The live man is not always a deep thinker; he jumps at conclusions, just as the frog duz, and don't alwus land at the spot he is looking at.
He is the Amerikan pet, a perfekt mystery tew foreigners; but he has done more (with charcoal) tew work out the greatness of this country than any other man in it.
He is jist as necessary as the grease on an axle-tree.
He don't alwus die ritch, but alwus dies bizzy, and meets death a good deal az an oyster duz, without making enny fuss.
THE NERVOUS MAN
The nervous man is the original harp ov one thousand strings.
He is a fiddle, past finding out.
The tread ov an elephant don't skare him, but he wilteth when the mouse nibbles in the wainscot.
He turneth pale at the coming ov the spider.
He laffeth when the whirlwind is on a bender, but shuddereth when the striped snaik walks out for an airing.
He gazeth at the red lightning with joy, when it gasheth the heavens; but the scales ov his back lift up in horrer when old Baxter files up his wood-saw.
The nervous man is a very singular critter – he might more properly be called a plural critter.
My advice tew the nervous man is tew drink milk for a living, and for excitement chaw spruce gum.