XVII.
BILLINGS ON PILLS
P'okeepsie, Jan. 1st, 1867.
Dear Dokter Bonesett:
Thru the politeness ov Mr. John Smith, i cum in possession ov yure valuabel letter, at about 9 o'clock night before last, in which yu offer me 10 dollars for a poultiss.
I hay had a fair chance to use yure pills upon several important occasions, and can sware posatively that they kan beat enny pills ov their size i ever contended with.
Underneath this letter yu will find a poultiss which i think will draw.
If yu see fit to use it, yu kan emit the 10 dollars by mail, at our risk.
In the mean time, bet freely than i am yure humble servant,
Josh Billings.
POULTISS
Barnabass Bonesett, M.D., (mutch dokter,) chuck full ov faith, bloze his horn, and bi these presents duz blo hiz horn about hiz "Lightning Express and Serio-Sensation pills" a cumfert and a joy to man.
Theze pills are of rutes – rutey, and kost the Author 4 years in the wilderness, besides sleepless nights, and anxious days, tew git them down to a spot, without blemish and filled with fun.
These pills will kure deffness, dipthery and dandruff – are good for baldness, bronkreeters and baksliding – are sertin tew heal hedake, hifalutin, and hangnails – will remove warts, windgauls and wens – destroy awl longings, lassitudes, laziness – will soothe the sorrowful, cam the crazy, and kure a common sized fit in 2 minnits.
They are closs packed in little round boxes, and each little box kontains 2 dozen and 2, or no sail.
Each box iz dun up in a trakt, which sez that they are az sure to cure, az lightning iz tew strike what it starts for.
On the top ov the box iz a full sized painting ov the Author, with a grub hoe in one hand, and a whole parsell ov roots in the other – with a napsack on hiz back, and mountains in the distance, tew which he iz pinting with the grub hoe – them iz the mountains whare he gits the rutes.
On the top ov each little round box, iz these words, in a forrin tung, "Hocus pocus, quod constallus," which being biled down means, "purely vegetabels."
For sum more partikulars, cummune with the author.
(Signed) Barnabass Bonesett, M.D.
XVIII.
JOSH IN SARATOGA
Saratoga, Sept. 8, 1867.
Dear Weekly: – Don't think I am going to ruin, don't think i am totaly spilte, bekauze yu happen to hear from me at this grate drinking place. I am here on urgent and melankolly bizzness, looking for mi Newfoundland pup, not quite 5 months old yet, that I lost lately.
Saratogy never appeared tew me so free from white swellings az it duz now. I haint seen a dozen people ov the ballon purswashion, but almost evry one i meets ackts just az tho they had sum good common sense, and had brought enuff along with them to last while they staid.
Shoddy & Petroleus hav gone tew Europe, to astonish Paris with their paste diamonds and fire gilt familys.
Thare is about 4 thousand strangers here just now, and the liberal way that they invest in the katharticks ov the situation iz suggestive.
Yesterday i saw a bride and her new feller at Congress Spring. She waz a rosy and a roomy bride. He waz bilt to run in shallow water, rather a light draft chap, i thought; but he took 9 consekutiff glasses without flinching, and, i think, would have held one more.
He looked a hundred pounds bigger. I waz filled with horror at the sight, but soon had aul mi fears soothed, when i saw almost everybody present wash themsels internally with five or six tumblers full ov this liquid salts and perilash.
Congress Hall iz being rebuilt with bricks on the old ground, and iz at least 15 rods front on Broadway, with 2 wings az menny rods deep, and will cost 400 thousand dollars, and will feed, sleep, and physick one thousand festive sons and daughters at onst.
Evry house here, except the churches, iz a boarding house; aul the femail seminiaries, and akademys of the arts and sciences, fill up their summer vakations with spring-water pupils.
The great tiger ov the place iz the hi rock spring; this now flows over its conical summit, something that it haz not done before for 300 years, and besides being a good artickle ov physick, is probably the greatest natral curiousness this side ov the temple of Solomon, his 500 wives and 300 good-looking collaterals inkluded.
Take the kathartics out ov Saratogy, and thare wouldn't be ennything left ov deep interest, but a pale yeller, sandy sile, that haint got moral strength enuff in it tew hold a fense-post up straight, unless the hole waz well manured first.
But, with some 10 or 15 ov theze mineral springs that will kure ennything, from a broken heart tew the spring halt – water the most sparkling – water that biles and bubbles, without money, and without even stamps, and has biled ever since Cain waz a babe – I say, with such a legacy, Saratogy iz today the surest place on the breast ov the earth to git a good loose drink.
My stay here will necessarily be small; i kant git no track ov mi Newfoundland pup, with one white foot and a star in his forehead; and bizzness before drinking being one ov mi best holts, i shall leave here before long for Montreal or Saint Lewis, in search ov the dogg.
The annual races passed oph with the usual amount ov burglarys, and pocket-book thieveries, but I was told yesterday, by one ov the first citizens, that yu kan leave a roll ov bank bills (since the races) lying on the sidewalk, and noboddy would pick it up for the fust two days.
I haven't tried this myself, nor don't intend to, for fear thare might be just one slippery cuss left in the place, and one man could raize up a rowl ov bills for me, just as eazy az 40 could.
I havn't got munny, nor grit enuff, to indulge in sich moral experiments.
The ground, whare the old United States Hotel stood, remains kivered with the debris ov that melankolly and hot fire, which reduced tew ashes and old bricks, the most popular and fashionable dry goods emporium in the universe ov America.
I have it from Jenkins, (who is here now gitting himself pliable,) that az soon az one or two objectionable partners can be smoked out ov the ring, then the balance ov them will build on the grounds a hotel that will make – Rome howl.
The Union and the Clarendon are the two champions now, and both ov them hav a full stummuk ov clean looking, and very decent ackting passengers.
Thare iz sum very elaborate rigs here; one that I saw yesterday waz quite "uneak." (I don't know whether this word iz just the thing tew use in this spot, but it sounds big, and strange, and that iz awl that I care for.)
The rig consisted ov a yello buggy, with a black bugger driving, clothed in drab broadcloth, with bras buttons, and cockade on a plug hat with a velvet belly band around it, and salmon colored gloves, and a 10 foot whip-stork, with a spotted dogg under the front axletree, and 3 hosses in injun file, two blacks, and the one on the lead the color ov cream.
Jenkins told me, that they were the only shoddy team here, and belonged tew a young fellow from Melankton 4 corners, in the state ov Conneckticut, whose father has raked in 2 millions, by making beeswax out ov a very little mutton tallow, and a good deal ov injun meal.
But it won't do to believe awl that Jenkins sez; he has lied so consekutive for the last 15 years, that hiz front teeth hav awl decayed out.
One ov the perennial feeters ov Sarotogy, iz a drove ov tame injuns, with their squaws, and young porpoises, who cum here each drinking season, from the outlines ov Kanada, laiden with braided baskets, bags ov beads, and harmless bows and arrows.
Theze people might hav bin good injuns onst, but each successive porpoise grows paler, and meaner, and if it want for their nastyness, there aint 3 boarding-school misses in the whole land, with poetry enuff in their bild tew call them "the noble red men ov the forest."
The fact ov it iz, thare iz more truth than poetry in injuns, and the truth iz, that keyenne whiskey, and other kinds ov civilization, has outflanked them.
It requires a grate deal ov good sense tew stand whiskey and civilization.
A wild injun iz a most magnificent cuss without doubt, but a tame injun, one with more milk than molasses in hiz face, iz almost az near good for nothing, az a counterfit bill, on the bank ov Newfoundland.
Injuns, tew be good and profitable, must live at least 2 thousand miles from ennyboddy else, and always stay at home, and never see a missionary.
P.S. – I hav just this minnit received a dispatch that thare iz one more nufoundland pupp in Freehold, New Jersey, this morning than thare waz yesterday at this time, with a fu white hairs on the end ov his tail.
I shall start immegiately, and if i kan only rescue mi pup before he gits contaminated, I shall be az proud az a rooster. In haste, good bye.
Josh Billings.
XIX.
SUM VEGETABEL HISTORY
The strawberry is one ov natur's sweet pets.
She makes them worth fifty cents, the fust she makes, and never allows them tew be sold at a mean price.
The culler ov the strawberry iz like the setting sun under a thin cloud, with a delicate dash of the rain bo in it; its fragrance iz like the breath ov a baby, when it fust begins tew eat wintergreen lossingers; its flavor is like the nektar which an old-fashioned goddess used tew leave in the bottom ov her tumbler, when Jupiter stood treat on Mount Ida.
There iz menny breeds ov this delightful vegetable, but not a mean one in the whole lot.
I think i have stole them, laying around loose, without enny pedigree, in sumboddy's tall grass, when I waz a lazy schoolboy, that eat dredful easy, without enny white sugar on them, and even a bug occasionally mixed with them in the hurry of the moment. Cherrys are good, but they are too mutch like sucking a marble, with a handle tew it. Peaches are good, if yu don't git enny ov the pin-feathers into yure lips. Watermelons will suit ennyboddy who iz satisfied with half-sweetened drink; but the man who can eat strawberrys, besprinkled with crushed shuggar, and besmattered with sweet cream (at sumboddy else's expense), and not lay hiz hand on hiz stummuk, and thank the author ov strawberrys and stummuks, and the phellow who pays for the strawberrys, iz a man with a worn-out conscience – a man whose mouth tastes like a hole in the ground, that don't care what goes down it.
Kokernuts grow up in the air, in a hot climate way over the ocean, about 80 feet from the ground – on the top ov a tree.
They are generally picked bi the monkeys in that naborhood, who throw them at the natives, in exchange for the stones that the natives heave at the monkeys.
They grow az a negro's head duz, with a good deal ov skull tew them.
A kokernut, after it haz bin scalpt, resembles an old ten pin ball, only a little more round one way than tuther.
On the end ov the nut toward you iz 2 eyes, fast asleep. The kokernut iz opened bi breaking the skull and this brings them tew their milk.
The milk in the kokernut haz never bin explained yet, and the reazon iz, becauze noboddy has ever asked me tew do it.
Whenever the philosophers "giv it up," i shall reply tew the konundrum.
Az an artikle ov diet, the koker iz about on a level with the french raw turnip, and iz az hard tew digest az one ov Secretary Seward's letters ov State.
Biled koker might possibly be good, if it warnt a grate deal better when it waz raw; and raw kokernuts iz only good for children and young greyhounds tew eat, whose stummuks are like a nutmeg grater.
The only real good thing about this forrin nut iz its skull; they kan be cut into 2, and made into drinking kups, and i must konfess, they do look kind, when laid on a clean flatt stun in the side ov a meadow spring; but i kant drink out ov them myself, without thinking that if they hadn't been cut in 2, what a kapital thing they would be tew bild a young darkey to.
But this iz only a phoolish noshun ov mine, and probably it couldn't be did enny how.
It iz now about 8 or eleven years, since folks begun tew hanker after the Tomater. About that time, sum doktor ov pills, dissekted one ov theze vagrant vegetabels, and diskovered sum doktor stuff in them.
Az soon az folks found out they waz fisick, they begun tew be verry sweet on the tomater.
At that time they waz in the habit ov growing in sly places, whare they want afraid, over behind stone walls, amung broken jugs, ded kats, and old injun-rubber boots, for peopel wouldn't let them grow in gardins enny more than they would a kanaday thissell.
They were vagabond weeds, and even a woods hogg wouldn't eat one ov the berrys that grew on them, enny quicker than he would a bawl ov red stocking yarn.
But it waz decided that there waz sum pills in them, and they were putt tu nuss, in pots, and vases, and lived on the phatt ov the land, in hott houses, along side ov tiger lilys, and rozes ov Sharon.
It took most folks about 18 months ov perseverance and sea sickness, tew git the tomater to go quietly down, and now, from a vile weed, more smelly than a deseased klam, the tomatow haz actually got to be more honorabel than a bukwheat slapjack, or even a punkin pie.
This shows what love and affekshun will do.
I haven't enny doubt that if Professor Ratsbane would say profeshionally, that wasps nests waz good to make a mustash grow black, half the men in the kuntry would git a wasp and go into the nest bizzness.
I don't beleave a tomater will keep a man enny more helthy than red clover will, but i am just like evry body else, i wanted tew git sum better than i waz, and i went to skool to the tomato, and have got learnt how tew eat them, if they are filled with salt and pepper, and soaked well in good sider vinegar.
I hav seen folks pick them oph from the vines in the gardin, and eat them right down alive; i would az soon undertake tew eat a handful ov putty.
But tomatoze hav worked themselfs up to a necessary, and i am the last man to injure their reputashun, for i beleave an innocent humbugg iz just az mutch right tew win, (if they kan) az any other man.
There iz one thing I do hope, and that iz that nobody will undertake tew make kastor ile one ov the luxurys until after i am dead, for kastor ile and bed buggs iz 2 things that i solemly sware i won't hav, if they git to be ever so fashinable.
XX.
JOSH REPLIZE TEW CORRESPONDENTS
Mastiff.– I kant tell yu the best kind ov a dogg tew buy; but for a man of limited means, i think the wodden dogg iz the most cheapest. They are the less liabel tew git out ov repare, and ain't awl the time following folks oph. They kant wag their tales, but that kan be remydied by having them made without enny. They are not apt tew be noizy in the night; but if yu want one tew frighten away the robbers, awl yu hav got tew dew iz tew hav one made with the bark on.
Walton.– Yu are right about it; the bull-head aint a game fish, although they die hard. I kant giv yu enny posatiff rule to be a game fisher. Pashunce iz a good thing tew hav. I would advise yu to practiss, for the fust year, in a tan vat, with a leather line, and a skillet handle for a fish hook; yu may not ketch mutch fish, but yu will learn how tew twitch butifully.
Davenport.– I beleave in the doktrin ov spiritualism – that iz, i beleave it iz a smart doktrin. A man haz tew hav a United States juggler's license now before he kan beleave in the doktrin. I beleave in raps on the table, but when i hear them cum pretty loud and fast i make up mi mind that sumboddy iz gitting badly eukered. I don't rekolekt ov but one communikashun between spirits that iz menshuned in the Bible, and that took place between Lazarus and another gentleman. It iz pleasant to know that one ov these spirits waz a pure one, and that he had awl the advantage (ov the other gentleman) in the argument, and in the posishun.
Eazell.– I kant tell yu who painted the Greek Slave; she aint on exhibishun. They are gitting the fine arts almost perfeck now-a-days. One feller in Pittsburg haz painted a sorrell hors so perfekly that the hair awl cum oph from the hors. And another fellar haz just finished a Durham cow that he had salted down last fall for family use. And another artiss haz got a Nufoundland pupp in hiz studio reddy – that he haz bin offered 10 dollars for bi the owner, and no questions asked.
Parent.– I kant tell yu the best way tew bring up a boy; but, if i had one that didn't lie well enuff tew suit me, i think now i would set him tew tending a dri goods store. Probably, one ov the best ways to bring up a boy in the way he should go, iz tew travel that woy ourselfs, once in a while. Still thare aint no sure thing; I have seen them brought up az kerful az a lappdog, and then go tew the devil jist az soon az they could strike the right track. And then agin, i hav saw them cum out ov sumboddy's gutter and wash up like a dimond. Raising boys iz a good deal like raising colts; if yu don't git more than one out ov ten that iz a fast one, yu are dewing fust rate. A grate menny men hanker for a boy tew transmit their reputashun to! i konsider this about az risky az the hen's egg bizzness; thare iz always sum chances agin it – one iz, that the eggs may be spilte before they start for market, and another iz, they may git busted in carrying.
XXI.
LIST OF HOUSEN TEW LET
FURNISHED AND UNFURNISHED
BI * * * * *
Real Estate Agent and Property Broker
Number One– Gothick cottage, (with chimbleys, and windo blinds attached,) and water, (in the suller,) lokated for the present on the south-east angle ov Soap and Myrtle streets; house kontains a bay windo; would suit a lawyer or a blacksmith. Rent, for the summer months, (including the good will ov the naberhood,) $4,500. No children and doggs aloud on the premises. Cards, tew view the hous, kan be obtained ov the agent (admitting a gentleman and 2 ladys) for the trifling sum ov 5 dollars. N.B. – This hous waz taken yesterday, and customers are forbid tew bother the agent bi inquiring about it.
Number Two– Will be tew rent in a fu daze; the hous iz being put in perfeck order bi being whitewashed, and the floor sprinkled with sum sand. This hous is a cross ov the Ionian & Dorick style, waz built when lumber waz skarse, and iz almitey hard finished throughout, rat-holes awl plugged up, and a bottle ov bed bugg pizen, neatly labeled, and hung up in each room. To a tenant who kan bring testimony, and a good pedigree, this hous would be leased for a term ov 30 or 40 years, for about 2,500 hundred dollars a year, the tenant tew pay the taxes, and remove the mortgages now on the premises, and put in the gass, and git the hous insured for 6,000 dollars, and assign the polisy tew the agent az collatteral security for the faithful performanse ov the kontrakt. N.B. – If thare iz enny things else that i hav forgot tew menshun about the terms, the tenant kan hav them inserted, when the papers are drawed up, without extra charge.
Number Three– Iz kompletely furnished with gass fixtures and meether, and ile cloth in the front hall, and pegs in the closets, and back verandy. This delightful property iz now occupied bi a phisician, ("whose sands ov life hav about run out,") and sum ov the rent would be took in boarding the phisician ("whose sand iz about run thru,") and hiz wife, and wife's oldest sister, and her unkle, and the 9 children, who are awl lite eaters, havin bin kept for the laste 6 months on sperm kandle soup. Tew a tenant who could loan the phisician $1,500 or two thousand dollars, and take a first mortgage on the furniture in the hous, a liberal rent would be named, payable quarterly in advanse. P.S. – fust cum, fust git.
Number Four– Iz the property ov a two-millionaire, who iz about going tew Urope with hiz entire family, tew spend sum munny. This hous haz one ov Chickering's 10 oktave, iron-frame, overstrung bass, rosewood, round kornered, pearl keyed, pianners, built expressly for the owner bi Mr. Chickering himself, after the design ov the pantheon in Rome, (Italy,) and also haz a hole cut thru the roof, from which the North star kan be distinktly seen with the naked eye. Rent iz no objeck – tew a small family ov one or two persons, this hous could be had, if applied for within 2 daze, at the nominal prise ov 20,000 dollars a month, reckoning 26 working days tew the month.
Also– A superb hoss ov a black culler, warranted 16 hands hi, ov grate enduranse, tew stand without tieing, and kan trot in 2:53; would make a good card for a hearse hoss.