Czytaj książkę: «Final Score»
Final Score
MICHELLE BETHAM
A division of HarperCollinsPublishers
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HarperImpulse an imprint of
HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd
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First published in Great Britain by HarperImpulse 2014
Copyright © Michelle Betham 2014
Cover images © Shutterstock.com
Michelle Betham asserts the moral right
to be identified as the author of this work.
A catalogue record for this book is
available from the British Library
This novel is entirely a work of fiction.
The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are
the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to
actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is
entirely coincidental.
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and Pan-American Copyright Conventions.
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written permission of HarperCollins.
Ebook Edition © August 2014
ISBN: 9780007596553
Version 2014-09-18
Digital eFirst: Automatically produced by Atomik ePublisher from Easypress.
To my family and friends - thank you.
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter Twenty-Five
Chapter Twenty-Six
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Chapter Thirty
Chapter Thirty-One
Chapter Thirty-Two
Chapter Thirty-Three
Chapter Thirty-Four
Chapter Thirty-Five
Chapter Thirty-Six
Michelle Betham
About HarperImpulse
About the Publisher
Chapter One
‘You gonna let me in or what?’
Amber folded her arms and leaned back against the doorpost, her eyes fixed upon Ryan – Ryan Fisher, famous footballer, local north-east hero; a man who’d crashed into her life just a couple of years ago. Even though she’d done everything in her power, at the time, to stop that from happening.
She had a slight smile on her face. She couldn’t help it. Sometimes he just had the ability to make her smile, whether she felt like it or not.
‘You don’t have to bring him something every time you call round, you know.’ She stood aside to let him through into the hall.
‘I know. But I want to. Where is my beautiful boy anyway?’
‘He’s in the living room, and he’s asleep. Which is how I’d like him to stay for the time being. And I’m sure you’d like him to stay that way, too, seeing as you’re looking after him this afternoon.’
Ryan turned to look at her, his handsome face lit up by the widest smile, and Amber felt her heart dance around in her chest, followed by a succession of feelings she couldn’t explain, and didn’t really want. But sometimes, just the sound of his voice – that beautiful, soft Geordie accent of his – it could set off waves of confusion she didn’t always welcome.
For months, she’d tried so hard to fight against everything she was feeling for this man, because she’d never really been sure how much of it was real, and how much of it had to do with the fact she’d been pregnant, and therefore probably slightly more emotionally unstable than usual. But she’d given birth three months ago. And she still couldn’t shake those feelings Ryan Fisher could stir up inside her. He’d been there for her after her split from Jim – the love of her life. Her ex-husband, Ryan’s manager at top-flight football club Newcastle Red Star. He’d helped her deal with everything that came with that, in ways that probably hadn’t been the most sensible course of action. Sex never had been the best form of therapy as far as Amber was concerned. It only led to more trouble. So why did she seem to turn to it so readily these days? But just having him around, well, she’d needed that. She’d needed to have him with her, and not just because she’d been carrying his baby. She’d needed him. Simple as that.
‘You got a bit of time to spare?’ Ryan grinned, placing the tiny t-shirt emblazoned with the words ‘I Love my Daddy’ on the table behind him.
‘Seriously?’ Amber arched an eyebrow as Ryan pulled her towards him, circling her waist with his arm. ‘Do you know how much sleep I’ve had lately? Or how much sleep I haven’t had, that should be.’
‘Well,’ Ryan began, gently nuzzling her neck, his fingers playing with her long, dark-red hair, ‘if we moved in together then I could help you, couldn’t I? I could take some of the load off your shoulders.’
‘Don’t start, Ryan, please. We’ve been over this.’
‘I’m serious, Amber.’ He stroked a strand of hair from her pale-blue eyes, kissing her lightly on her slightly open mouth. ‘It seems crazy, you and the baby living here and me all on my own in that huge new house of mine. I mean, I’m over here most of the time anyway, when you’re not in London, that is, so surely it’d make more sense if we…’
Amber shook her head, but she still let him push her back against the wall. She didn’t put up much of a fight, despite the constant wave of tiredness that seemed to inhabit her body these days, as he sneakily ran a hand up her thigh before sliding it up and under her t-shirt.
‘Jesus, Ryan, do you ever stop?’
‘I’m dying here, babe. All I can think about is fucking you, which is hardly surprising, considering we haven’t done much of that lately.’
Amber looked at him, shaking her head again. ‘I don’t believe you…’
‘What?’ Ryan shrugged as she pushed past him and walked into the living room. ‘Come on! What have I done now?’
But she wasn’t listening any more. She was looking down at their beautiful baby boy. Rico Alejandro Fisher had been born three months ago, just two days before the start of the new football season back in August. With Ryan by her side – although, only just – and a labour so short she figured she must have done something really good in a past life to have deserved that – she’d given birth just after 11am and been home by tea-time, back to a house full of people and all the help she’d so desperately needed in those early days. Days when she’d missed her mum so much, with a pain so physical it almost wore her down. So she’d had no hesitation in giving her son a Spanish name, as a nod to her Mediterranean heritage – Rico, because she liked it, and Alejandro after her Spanish grandfather.
He was the most beautiful baby, and she was all too aware that everybody said that about their own children, but he really was. She could spend hours just looking at him, and there were times when she did just that. When her busy schedule allowed. Because every second she spent with her son was precious.
‘Amber?’
She turned around, folding her arms as she looked at Ryan. ‘You think I don’t want a little bit of relief, too, huh? A little bit of time to feel sexy again because, God knows, it’s the last thing I feel these days.’
She pushed a hand through her hair as Ryan came closer, reaching out to take her hand. ‘You’re always sexy to me. Even with baby sick down the front of your t-shirt and your hair all over the place.’
She couldn’t help laughing, looking down at the floor as he gave her hand a quick squeeze before bringing it up to his lips and kissing it gently. ‘Yeah. Thanks for that.’
‘And I still don’t understand why you haven’t taken up the option of maternity leave. Cloud Sports are quite willing to let you have the time off, aren’t they?’
‘Yes,’ Amber sighed, letting go of Ryan’s hand, folding her arms against her once more. ‘But it’s just not for me, Ryan. And we’ve already been over this. In fact, I’ve been over this countless times – with you, my dad, Ronnie… I’m tired of explaining it. It’s just the way I am, okay? Rico isn’t suffering; he comes with me whenever he can, and between you, my dad, and my wonderful family we’re managing just fine, aren’t we?’
‘Yeah. I suppose we are. But you’ve been working yourself into the ground for months now. I mean, come on, you were back at work two days after giving birth! Isn’t it about time you gave yourself a break?’
‘I don’t want a break. Breaks give you far too much time to think about things.’
She walked over to the dining table at the back of the room and started folding a pile of baby clothes that was lying on it.
‘Like what?’ Ryan asked, sitting down on the arm of the chair next to Rico’s carry-cot.
Amber said nothing for a few seconds. She wasn’t in the mood for some deep conversation; she was way too tired for that. ‘Nothing.’
‘I hate it when you say that,’ Ryan sighed, throwing himself down into the chair. ‘There’s quite obviously something wrong, I can tell. You’re in one of those moods.’
‘One of those…? Jesus, Ryan.’
‘Okay, okay. I’m sorry.’
She couldn’t help smiling, throwing a babygro at him.
He grinned, flinging his legs over the arm of the chair as he held the babygro up in the air. ‘I can’t believe how small he is.’
‘Yeah, well, one day he’ll be as big as his daddy. I’m just hoping that doesn’t apply to his head, too.’
Ryan looked at her, still grinning. ‘You got something to say there, Ms. Sullivan?’
She just smiled at him, nudging his legs down. ‘Right, I’ve got to be somewhere.’
‘What? Already?’
‘Yes, Ryan. Unlike you, my working day is only just starting. You gonna be okay looking after him for the afternoon?’
‘I’m his dad, Amber.’
She fixed him with a look. ‘Alright. I’ll be at Tynebridge if you need me.’
Ryan sat up straight. ‘You’re going to Tynebridge?’
She looked down into Rico’s carrycot, smiling at her son as his eyes flickered open. ‘Hey there, baby. You gonna be a good boy for daddy while I’m out earning us some pennies?’
‘Amber. Why are you going to Tynebridge?’
She reached into the cot and carefully picked up Rico, cuddling him to her, kissing the top of his head as she gently ruffled his mass of dark hair. ‘Because, unless it’s slipped your notice, it’s the derby weekend. And Cloud Sports are showing the game live, as you well know. Me and Ronnie are going over there to set things up. He’s one of the pundits, and I’m presenting… Ryan, you know all of this.’
‘Is Jim gonna be there?’
She nestled Rico in the crook of her arm as she fixed Ryan with another look. ‘I have absolutely no idea. Would it be a problem if he was?’
Ryan shrugged, his manner verging on the petulant. ‘I’ve got to be at the ground myself by six. The boss wants us ready to leave for the hotel by half past. You gonna be back by then?’
‘I’ll let you know. If I’m not gonna make it you can just bring Rico down there. He can stay with me. Ryan, will you quit acting like a sulky teenager? Please? Me and Jim, it’s over. You know that. But I can’t avoid him forever; it’s impossible. So just grow up and deal with it. You know, sometimes it’s like having two kids…’ She kissed Rico again, reluctant to let him go. He was so warm and soft, and he smelt of baby talc, and all of a sudden Amber had an overwhelming urge to just stay there and cuddle him all afternoon. Just one mention of Jim’s name had done what it usually did – change her mood entirely. ‘Okay, poppet. Daddy’s taking charge now, so, you keep an eye on him and make sure he behaves himself.’
‘Yeah, you’re funny,’ Ryan said, standing up and carefully taking Rico from Amber, holding him up in the air and bringing him back down for a huge kiss. ‘Hey there, little fella. We’re gonna have some fun, me and you.’
‘Wear him out, will you?’ Amber half-smiled, grabbing her jacket from the back of the sofa. ‘It’s a busy weekend this weekend and I could do with a few more hours’ sleep. I’ll call you later, but you know where I am if you need me.’
She was about to run out of the door when Ryan stopped her. ‘Amber?’
She turned around. ‘Yeah?’
‘Come here. Please.’
She walked back over to him, watching as he lay Rico back down in his cot. ‘What do you want, Ryan?’
He moved closer to her, resting his hand lightly against her cheek. ‘I want you, Amber. And you know that.’
‘Ryan…’ His mouth was on hers before she had a chance to say anything else, and she gave in to his kiss, she couldn’t help it. Despite everything they’d been through in the past; despite the kind of man he’d used to be, he was giving her a sense of calm she really needed right now.
She pulled him closer by his t-shirt, slipping a hand around the back of his neck, and for a few, beautiful seconds she lost herself in that kiss; lost herself in something she could have, if she wanted it. A wonderful life with a man who’d finally grown up, and he loved her. Ryan Fisher truly did love her. So she could have this, all of it. If she wanted it.
He pulled away slightly, running his thumb lightly over her parted lips. ‘Things are crazy right now, Amber, I know that, but…’
She backed away, grabbing her bag and jacket as she headed for the door. ‘I’m gonna be late. Call me if you need me, okay?’
‘Jesus… Amber!’
She turned around again, but she had no intention of going back this time. ‘I’ve really got to go.’
He looked at her, his hands in his pockets, his eyes locked onto hers. ‘Me and you… what’s really happening here?’
She stared back at him, not really knowing what to say. ‘You know what’s happening, Ryan.’
She knew as well as he did that that was no kind of answer. But it was the only one she had.
*
‘Well, if it isn’t Superwoman herself.’
‘Don’t you start,’ Amber sighed, throwing her bag down onto the couch in the Players’ Lounge before going over to quickly kiss Ronnie’s cheek.
‘Trouble in paradise?’ Ronnie grinned, leaning back against the wall and folding his arms.
Amber threw him a look out of the corner of her eye but said nothing in reply.
‘Everything’s okay, though, isn’t it?’ Ronnie asked, dropping the flippancy.
‘Everything’s fine, thank you. I’m just really busy.’
‘Yeah, I’m aware of that, Amber. I work with you.’
She sat down, pushing her hands through her long, tousled hair. ‘It’s been good, you know? Having him around. And since we found out I was having Rico he’s changed, he really has.’
‘I take it we’re talking about Ryan?’
She nodded, fiddling with the bracelet hanging on her left wrist.
‘Am I waiting for a “but” here?’ Ronnie asked, narrowing his eyes slightly.
Amber sat back, letting out a small sigh. ‘No. Things just feel a bit weird, that’s all.’
‘Weird?’ Ronnie frowned.
‘I’m still getting used to being a mum, Ronnie. Something I never thought I’d be. I’m a mum. And every day I worry about whether I’m doing it right and if Rico’s okay and… it’s hard, sometimes. Especially when Ryan’s going on at me constantly.’
‘About what?’
‘Sex.’
‘Okay.’
She looked up at him. ‘It’s not that I don’t want it, Ronnie… Are you uncomfortable talking about this?’
He shook his head. ‘Too tired, huh?’
‘You could say that.’
‘You sure that’s not just an excuse?’
It was her turn to narrow her eyes as she looked at her best friend. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
Ronnie looked down at the ground, his hands in his pockets. ‘I don’t know, Amber. It’s just that, sometimes, I wonder whether you going back to Ryan… I wonder whether it was the right thing to do.’
‘He’s Rico’s dad, Ronnie.’
‘That doesn’t mean you actually have to be with him. Not if you don’t want to be.’
‘Who said I don’t want to be with him?’
‘Well, that’s the impression you’re giving off here, kiddo.’
‘Is it?’
‘Yeah.’
Amber sat forward, pushing her hands through her hair again. ‘I never said we were love’s young dream or anything.’
‘No. I know you didn’t.’
‘But, I needed him, you know? I was pregnant, going through a divorce,’ She trailed off, absent-mindedly looking at her naked left hand. She still couldn’t get used to not wearing her rings. Even though they’d only really been there for the shortest of times.
‘And now Rico’s here?’
‘Hmm? Sorry?’ She looked back at Ronnie.
‘Now that Rico’s here, do you still need him? Ryan, I mean.’
‘Of course I do.’
‘You paused for a second there.’
‘I didn’t.’
‘You did.’
‘Jesus. I’d forgotten how irritating you could be.’
‘He’s here, you know.’
She sighed again, throwing herself back against the couch. ‘Who?’ As if she didn’t know.
‘Manager of the Month, two months running.’
She eyed Ronnie with a look of something verging on suspicion. ‘Shouldn’t we be doing something other than sitting here?’
‘Probably. But I quite like watching you squirm.’
‘You’re such a bastard.’
He smiled, walking over to her and holding out his hand, pulling her up off the couch. ‘You need to sort out what you really want, Amber.’
‘I just want to get on with my life, Ronnie. As simple as that.’
‘There’s nothing simple when it comes to you getting on with your life, kiddo.’
‘Yeah. Thanks for reminding me. What about you, anyway? Any sign of a new romance on the cards?’
‘You’ve got to be kidding me! No time for any of that.’
She couldn’t help smiling as she looked at him, cocking her head slightly. ‘Surely you’ve got women falling at your feet, Ronnie White. Good-looking bloke like you. You’ve still got it, even at your age.’
‘Yeah, okay, enough with the smart remarks. Come on. We’ve got work to do.’
Work. The only thing that was keeping Amber’s mind off the one thing she couldn’t stop thinking about.
*
Jim Allen sat back in his chair, his eyes scanning the computer screen, but he was taking nothing in. His mind was on way too many other things, and for a man who was usually so focused and in control it was a feeling that didn’t sit well with him. But these past few months had been nothing short of crazy. Unpredictable. Painful.
A knock on his office door broke into his thoughts and he looked up from his laptop. ‘Come in.’
‘Hey, Dad!’
Jim smiled at the sight of his son. Brandon Palmer. Twenty-one years old, tall and handsome, and a player with the region’s rival top-flight team, Wearside Spartans.
‘Hey back. What you doing here? Spartans sent you over enemy lines to spy on what we’re up to before the big game?’
‘Well, if I’d wanted to do that I could have sneaked over to the training ground this morning, couldn’t I? No, I just came over to see how you’re doing.’
Jim eyed Brandon warily, smiling slightly as his son perched himself on the edge of his desk. ‘I’m doing just fine. Why wouldn’t I be?’
Brandon shrugged. ‘Dunno. You just seem to have been throwing yourself into your work a lot lately, that’s all.’
‘I’m the manager of a top-flight football club, Brandon. It isn’t exactly a nine-to-five kinda thing.’
‘You don’t take any time off.’
‘I don’t want to take any time off. Manager of the Month awards aren’t given out to just anybody, you know. You’ve got to put the work in.’
‘Is that all that matters to you?’
Jim narrowed his eyes as he looked at his son. ‘Have you come here for any particular reason, Brandon? Apart from to give me a headache I don’t need.’
‘I worry about you.’
‘Why?’
‘I mean, Ellen and me, we asked you over for dinner the other night and you refused to come. You won’t even take a night off to spend a bit of quality time with your own son.’
‘I’m fine, okay? I’ve just got a lot on.’
‘Yeah. You seem to have had a lot on for a while now.’
Jim fixed Brandon with a hard stare, which Brandon returned.
‘Ever since Amber became pregnant. Ever since she took up with Ryan Fisher. Again.’
‘She hasn’t “taken up” with Ryan Fisher, as you put it.’ Jim got up and walked over to the sideboard, pouring himself a small measure of whiskey.
‘So, you’re not bothered, then?’
‘About what?’
‘About Amber and Ryan.’
‘There is no Amber and Ryan.’
‘Oh, really?’
Jim turned around, leaning back against the sideboard, his eyes once more locking with Brandon’s. ‘Really.’
Brandon gave another shrug, sliding down from the desk and heading back towards the door, his hands in his pockets. ‘Okay. Whatever. Anyway, I just thought I’d drop by and say hi, see how you were. But you still look like the same old Jim Allen to me.’
Jim said nothing to that, he just took a sip of his drink and remained silent.
‘Look, Dad…’ Brandon turned around and faced his father. ‘Have you thought about getting out more? Maybe meeting someone else, you know, to take your mind off…’
‘I’ll see you later, Brandon.’
Brandon held up his hands as he turned to go. ‘I’m outta here.’
Jim waited until he’d closed the door behind him before he took the letter from his inside jacket pocket, opening it up and reading it through. One more piece of proof. Another piece of a jigsaw he’d been trying to put together. But he had all he needed now. The ball was very much in his court. And it was up to him whether he chose to hit out or not.
Chapter Two
‘She’s left you in charge?’ Max asked, looking at Ryan with an element of surprise as he stood there in the doorway with Rico in one arm and a towel slung over his shoulder.
‘Y’know, anyone would think I was incapable of looking after my own child. And I thought you were in London. What you doing up here?’
‘It’s derby weekend.’
‘I’m really glad people keep reminding me of that because I’d almost forgotten.’
‘Fatherhood hasn’t dulled your wit, then. You going to let me in? It’s freezing out here.’
Ryan stood aside to let Max through, kicking the door shut behind him. ‘You need to see me about something?’ Ryan asked, following him into the kitchen.
Max leaned back against the counter, digging his hands deep into the pockets of his expensive dark-grey suit. As one of football’s most respected, not to mention most famous agents, he had a reputation to keep up, and, as far as Max Mandell was concerned, image was everything.
‘Not really. I just thought I’d come up north and visit some of my favourite clients.’
Ryan looked at him out the corner of his eye as he rocked Rico gently in his arms. ‘And that’s it?’
‘That’s it. You have a really suspicious mind at times, Ryan Fisher. Anyway, let me have a look at my little future client here.’ He walked over to Ryan, smiling down at Rico, whose eyes had begun to slowly close. ‘Let’s hope he’s inherited some of his father’s talent, huh? The on-the-pitch stuff, that is.’
Ryan held his son close, lowering his head to gently kiss his cheek.
‘You know, I really think he’s changed you,’ Max said, switching the kettle on.
‘It’s hard not to let something like this change you.’ Ryan smiled, stroking Rico’s hair as he slept in his arms. ‘I don’t want to let him down. Or Amber. I’ve let her down enough.’
‘So, how are things between you and my prettiest client?’
Ryan’s eyes stayed focused on his baby boy. ‘I wish I knew.’
‘Oh, Jesus, we’re not heading towards another relationship meltdown, are we?’ Max sighed, rolling his eyes.
Ryan looked up. ‘I’m not twelve.’
‘Yeah, okay. I guess I should give you the benefit of the doubt. It certainly seems as though the little fella over there has given you a good kick up the backside.’
Ryan looked back down at his sleeping son’s face. ‘He’s everything I needed, Max. He’s my reason for getting up in the morning. My reason for doing everything now.’
‘Christ, am I talking to the real Ryan Fisher here? Or has he been cloned and replaced with a grown-up version?’
Ryan couldn’t help smiling as he looked up at his agent. ‘The world is full of frigging comedians today. Is it so hard to believe that I might really have changed this time?’
‘Well,’ Max sighed, turning around to make himself a cup of tea. ‘It’s about time, that’s all I can say. And you certainly look as though you’ve settled into fatherhood.’
‘Things would be a hell of a lot better if Amber just realised how much more sensible it would be if we actually lived under the same roof.’
‘She not keen, then?’
‘She doesn’t even want to talk about it.’
‘But you really want to move things forward, I take it?’
‘Of course I do.’
‘You got any idea why Amber’s reluctant to make things more permanent?’
Ryan just threw Max a look, sending out a message Max received loud and clear. A look that said of course he knew why she was reluctant to make things more permanent. Jim Allen. What other reason was there?
‘Well, I’m not sure what I can do about that one, kiddo. Short of some miracle, you’re just going to have to learn to deal with it.’
Ryan continued to gently rock Rico. ‘I really thought this little guy would change things between me and Amber. I thought he’d bring us closer, make her need me more. Guess that just shows how naïve I still am.’
‘You don’t know she’s still hankering after Jim. You’re only assuming.’
Ryan’s eyes met Max’s. ‘She doesn’t want to have sex, she barely even comes near me now. What does that tell you, huh?’
‘She’s just had a baby, Ryan.’
‘Three months ago.’
‘Oh, so you think, what? A couple of weeks and she should have been dragging you back off to bed?’
‘I didn’t say that.’
‘You’re being paranoid.’
Ryan ignored that comment. ‘And couldn’t you try and get her to take more time off work?’
‘Have you tried getting Amber Sullivan to do anything she doesn’t want to?’
‘Frequently,’ Ryan sighed, absent-mindedly stroking Rico’s dark hair as he slept. ‘I just wish she’d take a step back sometimes. Look at the bigger picture.’
‘And what bigger picture would that be?’ Max asked, sipping his tea.
Ryan threw his head back, letting out another long sigh. ‘Jesus, I don’t know, do I?’
‘You might want to start getting your head straight, kiddo. Big match tomorrow, and Wearside Spartans are no pushover. They’ve had a cracking start to this season, and Brandon Palmer is proving to be a force to be reckoned with. Just like his father used to be in his playing days. That kid’s certainly inherited some of the Allen genes.’
Ryan threw Max another look.
‘Deal with it, Ryan.’ Max placed his half-drunk mug of tea down onto the counter. ‘I’m off to Tynebridge. Want me to pass a message on to Amber?’
Ryan shook his head. ‘Would there be any point?’
*
Amber walked briskly down the tunnel and up the stairs that led back into the ground itself. Her head was down as she reached the top, checking her emails on her phone, so she didn’t see him coming towards her. He was equally as engrossed in something on his own phone, his head also down, so the resulting, inevitable clash couldn’t really have been avoided.
‘Oh, I’m sorry, I…’ She stepped back slightly as her eyes met his, her heart immediately jarring, causing her to take a deep breath. ‘I wasn’t looking where I was going.’
‘No, well, neither was I.’ He smiled, just a small smile, but it reminded Amber of how devastating his smile could be – to her. How it always had been. How it probably always would be. ‘Are you okay? I mean, in general. I haven’t really spoken to you, properly, in a while, so… how are things, with the baby and… is Rico… is he alright?’
‘Rico’s doing just fine, thank you.’ She couldn’t help smiling herself, but this time it was because of the mention of her son’s name. Her perfect boy. ‘He… he’s beautiful. And, yeah, I know every mother probably says that about their baby, but…’
‘If he takes after you then I can only imagine how beautiful he really is.’ Jim’s eyes were still boring into hers, but then, almost as if someone had flicked a switch, he broke the stare and looked back down at his phone. ‘I’d better be going. Got a lot to catch up with before we leave for the hotel tonight. Good to see you, Amber.’
She stood rooted to the spot, watching him as he walked away, back towards his office, her stomach turning involuntary somersaults. Even after everything that had happened.
‘Shit!’ she muttered under her breath, finding Ryan’s number and pressing dial.
‘Hey, beautiful. What’s up?’
‘I’m gonna be tied up here for a bit longer. Can you bring Rico with you when you come down to the stadium?’
‘Yeah, okay. I’ll get him ready and we’ll be with you in about half an hour. Everything alright?’
‘Yeah. Fine. Just a little behind with a few things, that’s all. I’ll see you soon.’ She hung up before he could start anything resembling a conversation. She wasn’t really in the mood, not now.
‘You okay?’
‘I’m fine, Ronnie.’ Amber slid her phone back into her jeans pocket. ‘Where did you spring from, anyway? I thought you were up in the studio.’
‘I was. But they’ve sorted out that lighting problem now. You ready to get out of here?’
Amber fell into step beside him as they made their way through the ground and back up to the studio that had been set up for the live broadcast of tomorrow’s match.
‘Almost. I just want to check over a few things before I go.’
‘What things?’ Ronnie asked, frowning slightly. ‘You’re all but done; you should be heading home now.’
‘Ryan’s bringing Rico with him. He’s got to come here to join the rest of the team before they head off for the hotel, so…’
‘What’s going on, Amber?’ Ronnie stopped walking and leaned back against the wall, folding his arms, his eyes meeting hers, even though she was trying anything she could to avoid looking directly at him.
‘Nothing’s going on.’
‘Cut the crap and talk to me. Come on, I’m your best friend and I know when you’ve got something on your mind. Or should that be someone? Actually, come to think of it, maybe it should be Ryan you’re talking to. I’m no fan of his, as you well know, but that doesn’t mean I agree with you stringing the guy along.’
‘No one’s stringing anyone along.’
Ronnie just arched an eyebrow.
‘Jesus Christ…’ Amber sighed, pushing a hand through her hair. ‘I don’t know.’ She leaned back against the wall beside Ronnie. ‘I can’t stop thinking about him.’
‘Then you need to do something about that.’
‘Like what?’
‘How the hell should I know?’
Amber turned her head to look at Ronnie. ‘This is ridiculous. I’m a frigging mess.’
‘Your life is a mess.’
‘Thanks for that.’
‘Do you want me to lie to you?’
‘No.’
‘Then deal with the truth.’
‘I love you, too.’
He looked at her. ‘I’m not doing this to be cruel, Amber. But you really need to get this sorted. You’ve got a child now. You’ve got someone other than yourself to think about.’
‘I’m aware of that.’ Her eyes locked with his. ‘I thought I loved him, Ronnie. I really thought I did. Or that I could, again. I thought it would all come back, all those feelings, and I thought I’d just fall in love with him all over again.’
‘I don’t think you’ve ever loved Ryan Fisher. Not really.’
‘Hang on. You don’t know…’
‘Amber, I do. I do know. And I don’t think you ever really loved him.’
Amber looked down at the floor, scraping her heel against the skirting board. ‘He’s never going to go away, is he? Jim. He’s never going to go away.’
‘Not if you don’t want him to.’
She looked back up at Ronnie. ‘He doesn’t want me any more.’
‘And he’s told you that, has he?’
‘He divorced me, Ronnie. What more proof do I need?’
‘That means nothing where you two are concerned.’
‘He doesn’t want me any more,’ Amber repeated, staring back down at the floor. ‘The way he’s acting. I saw him just now and… He doesn’t want me, Ronnie. It’s over.’ She threw her head back and let out a heavy sigh, one that wracked her entire body. ‘Okay.’ She took a long, deep breath, shaking her hair out before pushing both hands through it. ‘It’s time to grow up and do the only thing I can do right now.’
Ronnie frowned slightly. ‘And what’s that, exactly?’
Her eyes met his again, and this time there was a look of determination that he hadn’t seen from her in a while. ‘I’m moving to London.’
Chapter Three
‘London.’ Ryan looked at her as though she’d suddenly started talking in a foreign language. ‘You’re moving to London? And you’re telling me this now? An hour before frigging kick-off?’
‘I don’t want to move to London…’
‘Then why the hell are you going? Jesus, Amber…’
‘Because I have to, Ryan. I have to.’
He stared at her, his dark eyes boring deep into hers. ‘You have to.’
‘I have to,’ she repeated, her voice quiet but steady. Surprisingly so. ‘I can’t stay here, Ryan. I can’t do it any more.’
Ryan took a couple of steps back, pushing a hand through his hair. ‘I fucking hate it when I’m right.’
Amber frowned, folding her arms against herself. ‘Sorry?’
His eyes were back on hers, wide and full of something Amber couldn’t quite read. ‘You and Jim. It isn’t ever gonna be over, is it?’
What could she say to that? ‘He doesn’t want me, Ryan.’
Ryan laughed, turning away from her for a brief second or two. ‘Jesus… you really believe that, do you? You really believe he doesn’t want you?’ He turned back to face her. ‘I want you, Amber. Me. I love you, do you know that? Do you know just how much I love you?’
‘Ryan…’
‘But it isn’t ever gonna be enough. Not while he’s still around. Nobody else stands a fucking chance.’
‘It doesn’t have to be this way, Ryan.’
‘Oh, really? It doesn’t, huh? You’ve just told me you’re taking my son to the other end of the country, Amber. He’s three months old and you’re taking him away from me.’
‘I’m not taking him away from you…’
‘Yes. You are. If you’re living down there I can’t see him every day. I can’t just pop round and hold him, or rock him to sleep or feed him. I can’t do that if you’re hundreds of miles away.’
‘And you know as well as I do, Ryan, that I will be up here almost as much as I am now.’
‘And that’s good for Rico, is it? Being dragged up and down the country just because you can’t get your fucking head straight.’
‘I’m not listening to this…’
He reached out and grabbed her arm, swinging her around to face him. ‘You won’t even give us a chance, Amber.’ His voice was softer now, almost pleading in tone. ‘If you really believe he doesn’t want you then why don’t you just move on and give us a chance?’
She looked at him, her eyes staring deep into his even though meeting his gaze was the last thing she really wanted to do.
‘We have a baby together, Amber. A baby. Our son. How incredible is that, huh?’
‘And what if that isn’t enough, Ryan?’ She wasn’t entirely sure she’d meant to say those words out loud, but they were out there now. She’d said them. She couldn’t take them back.
Ryan laughed, one of those laughs that carried no humour. No real feeling. ‘I can’t believe you’re laying this on me right before one of the biggest matches of the season.’ He let go of her arm, turning away from her for a second. ‘Jesus, Amber, your timing really sucks, sweetheart.’
‘I couldn’t agree more.’
Amber swung around, her heart shuddering to some kind of brief standstill in her chest as she saw Jim standing there, tall and handsome in a dark suit and white shirt, his face impassive as he stared at her.
‘You should know better than to distract my players so close to kick-off, Amber.’ He focused his attention on Ryan, who’d turned back around now, his eyes down on the ground. ‘Back to the dressing room, Ryan, come on. Get your head back in the game and keep your private life off the pitch. You got that?’
Ryan nodded, throwing Amber a brief look before walking away. Amber leaned back against the wall, closing her eyes for a second or two as she willed her heart to slow down, to stop beating so wildly because it hurt. Everything that was happening now – Jim being so close to her, what she was doing to Ryan; her ridiculously messed-up feelings. It all hurt.
‘We need to talk.’
She slowly opened her eyes, daring to meet his, this man who would never go away. She’d thought he had, once upon a time. She thought she’d safely put him and everything they’d shared to one side, learnt to live with the past and move on. But she hadn’t done any of that. She’d never put him to one side or learnt to live without him. She’d only kidded herself that she had.
‘Do we?’ She swallowed hard, her eyes still on his. They were locked there, refusing to leave, and it was doing nothing for that irrational heartbeat of hers. ‘Now? I mean, I’m supposed to be…’
‘We need to talk,’ he repeated. ‘So, yes. Now.’
She blinked a couple of times, trying to work out whether she was actually in the middle of some kind of weird dream that had made her mess this day up so spectacularly. What the hell had she been thinking? Telling Ryan she was moving away from the north-east on the day of the derby! One of the biggest, most important matches of the entire season, and she’d just distracted Red Star’s striker in the worst possible way. What was wrong with her? She would never have acted this way a couple of years ago, when her life was well-ordered and safe. When Jim had still been nothing but a distant memory and Ryan was just one of those names she talked about at work.
She watched as Jim walked away, in the direction of his office down the corridor, but it was as though her feet were glued to the spot. She couldn’t move, couldn’t follow him.
He turned around, digging his hands in his pockets. ‘Amber?’
She bit down on her lip, confusion washing over her. What was going on here? With her feet finally allowing her to move, she followed him to his office, walking inside as he closed the door behind them – a door that still had no lock on it. A door that, on a day such as this, could have more traffic coming through it than the busiest of motorways. So why didn’t she care when he reached out and took her hand, swinging her around and pushing her back against that door, his mouth hitting hers with a kiss so hard it literally took her breath away. Because she just hadn’t been expecting that. She hadn’t… had she?
It was crazy, the sudden rush of intense and painful feelings that engulfed her as she shrugged off her shirt, pulling at his jacket, almost ripping it away from him as fingers pulled at clothes and the inevitability of what was happening here became nothing but an action neither of them was willing to stop. Even though Amber didn’t understand it, or know what the implications of this would be. She just wanted him, pure and simple. She needed him. She always had, and she always would. No matter what.
She closed her eyes as he yanked down her jeans, and she stepped out of them, kicking them away, keeping her eyes closed as he did the same with her knickers, almost tearing them away from her body with an indecent haste, but she didn’t care. To be naked in his arms again was the only thing she’d wanted for so long, even if she hadn’t been grown-up enough to admit that.
She heard him unzip his pants before his hands slipped underneath her bottom, lifting her up, and she finally opened her eyes as he backed her up against the door, pushing into her so hard it took all the strength she had not to cry out loud. Her legs were wrapped around his hips, her fingers buried in his hair as he thrust into her with an almost violent force that was both painful and beautiful, every inch of her body tingling as the pressure built, getting ready to explode, and she clung on tighter, waiting for him to give her everything she’d needed, everything she’d craved from this man since she’d been sixteen years old. And when he came, just minutes after he’d pushed inside her, she couldn’t help but cry out his name, quickly burying her face in his hair to stifle the volume. And he held her as she shuddered in his arms, as those tingles and those shivers took over, making her feel more alive than she’d felt in months. He held her until it was over. And she didn’t want him to let her go.
He slowly put her down, his eyes scanning her nakedness as he did so, lingering on her breasts, his fingers lightly touching them, and she took a sharp intake of breath as his thumb scraped over her nipple.
‘Jim, I…’
He shook his head, tilting her chin up so her eyes met his. ‘You can’t come in here and distract my players, not on a day like today.’
She reached out and touched his face, letting her fingers trail lazily over his rough, stubbled chin. ‘What is this, Jim?’
He said nothing, he just continued to stare into her eyes as he slid a hand around the back of her neck, sliding his fingers into her hair, pulling her head back slightly before kissing her slowly. And every movement of his lips against hers made Amber feel more and more confused. The taste of him, the feel of him, it was all so familiar, something she craved like a drug she just couldn’t kick. But it was confusing.
‘I need to go,’ she whispered, running her thumb over his slightly open mouth. ‘I shouldn’t be here.’
He took a step back, tucking his shirt back into his pants as Amber quickly got dressed, her head spinning with a million and one things she didn’t really want to think about.
‘How did everything get so screwed up, Jim?’
He looked up, digging his hands back into his pockets as his eyes met hers. ‘That’s what we do, Amber. Me and you. We screw things up.’
She shook her head. ‘No. No, Jim, we don’t.’
‘We do. We’re no good together, baby. It just doesn’t work.’
‘Then what the hell was this?’
‘I look at you and I still want you, Amber. I always have, that’s just the way it is. I look at you and I fall in love all over again and I need you so much it hurts, so badly I can feel it, like the most cruel, physical pain imaginable. But we… we can’t do this.’
She stared at him, her stomach sinking so deep she almost felt sick. ‘This is why I can’t deal with you,’ she whispered, her voice quiet but surprisingly steady. ‘You come into my life, every time, and you do this. You fuck me up and I hate you for it, Jim. Because I just can’t deal with you; what you do to me, how you make me feel. I can’t deal with it.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘I love you. I never stopped loving you, I never did that, and I need you to know that and I need you to believe it. I never stopped loving you.’
‘I know.’
‘Then don’t do this. Don’t mess with my head, don’t fuck up my life all over again. Don’t make me want you and then walk away. Because I don’t think I can take that again. Not any more.’
‘I’m confused, Amber.’
‘And you think my head is straight? Huh? You think I’m dealing with all of this okay?’
‘You’re a mum now, Amber.’
‘And that means, what? That I can’t feel the things I used to feel? That I just instantly stop loving you; is that what you’re saying? Because, if anything, Jim, having Rico has only made me see more clearly what I really want.’
Her eyes locked with his again, nobody saying anything as they stared at each other.
‘I need you to go, Amber.’
It was a few seconds before she could tear her gaze away from his, but when it finally happened it was as if a curtain had come down on everything, cutting her off from this man in front of her. Closing down those feelings, blocking them out. Or trying to.
Walking calmly out of his office she closed the door behind her and leaned back against it, breathing in deeply as she tried to regain the composure she’d just lost in there.
‘Come on, Amber, you can do this,’ she whispered, inwardly berating herself for letting Jim get so close to her – too close – all over again. For repeating that age-old mistake, that continuous, heartbreaking mistake she’d been making for over two decades now.
Breathing out, she pushed her hair back off her face and strode down the corridor, knowing she had only seconds to pull herself together. She was at work, she was a professional – she was trying to be, anyway.
‘What’s up with you?’ Ronnie asked, joining Amber as she hovered around the entrance to the tunnel that led out onto the pitch.
‘Nothing’s up with me.’
‘Liar.’
Amber said nothing. She continued to stare out at the rapidly filling stadium as people made their way to their seats, the noise of an overexcited derby-day crowd echoing around the ground.
‘What have you done to piss Ryan off?’
Amber swung around to look at Ronnie. ‘Sorry?’
‘You’ve told him about London, then?’
‘Jesus Christ…’
‘Today, Amber? You told him today?’
‘Alright, I know. I know, okay? I know my timing was crap.’
‘Understatement. Although, come to think of it, if he’s pissed off enough he might have that fire underneath him that all players should have on a derby day.’
Amber just shook her head and turned to walk back up the tunnel. ‘I’d better get up to the studio. We’re on air in a few minutes.’
‘Yeah, I know the running schedule, thank you.’ Ronnie gently grabbed her wrist, stopping her from running ahead of him. ‘I thought Amber Sullivan was coming back.’
Amber looked at her best friend, taking in another deep, deep breath. ‘She’s trying, Ronnie. It just isn’t that fucking easy.’
His hand slipped into hers, squeezing it tightly while his smile calmed her slightly. She really had no idea what she would do without this man. He wasn’t just her best friend, he was her rock. That one person she could rely on when everything else was turning to crap. He was the one person she couldn’t afford to lose.
‘Maybe telling him – telling Ryan – maybe today wasn’t the best day to tell him I’m leaving. It wasn’t my finest moment, but… I need to do it, Ronnie. I need to move away, to get some space, because I’m going crazy here. I’m going fucking crazy.’
He leaned over to whisper in her ear, letting his lips brush gently and discreetly over her cheek as he edged closer to her. ‘I know, sweetheart. I know. Come on. Let’s get this over with, then we can get out of here.’
*
Ellen watched from one of the hospitality boxes as Brandon Palmer ran rings around the Newcastle Red Star defence, leaving Gary Blandford for lost and the goalkeeper no chance at all of saving a goal that thundered past him, rocketing into the back of the net, sending the Wearside Spartans fans wild. On derby days it wasn’t just points that were being played for – pride came into it, too. But with both teams so close together in the league, both of them fighting for a top-five position and one of those coveted European cup places, points were all of a sudden becoming more important to play for, which was why both teams were playing like their lives depended on it.
Ellen smiled to herself, letting her mind wander back to yesterday afternoon, when she’d successfully persuaded Brandon that sex the day before a big match could only be a good thing. All that rubbish about it draining players of all their energy; she’d just proved how wrong that theory was, because her boyfriend was on fire. And anyway, when she’d been with Ryan they’d never given that old theory much thought. But then, Ryan never had been one to play by the rules.
Thinking about Ryan was something Ellen never had been able to help. Ryan Fisher wasn’t a man you let into your life and then let go of easily. He made sure of that. But his one downfall, the one thing that made him such a frustrating man to be in love with was his obsession with Amber Sullivan. She was his Achilles heel; the one thing that stopped him from moving on. She was the one thing that had made sure Ellen’s relationship with Ryan had never stood a chance. And even though it was quite obvious to anyone but Ryan that she was still very much in love with his boss, still he couldn’t seem to let her go. But Ellen didn’t give up easily. She might be living with one of football’s newest and most talented stars, but he wasn’t Ryan Fisher. Brandon Palmer might be handsome and rich; he might be the son of one of football’s most respected and successful players and managers, and he might be quite a few women’s walking fantasy, and she loved him, she did. He was a good man, a kind man, and he cared about her. He just wasn’t Ryan. And Ellen wanted Ryan. She wanted him back, and when Ellen wanted something, she usually got it. In the end. Even if it meant undergoing one hell of a fight to get there.
*
Jim stood at the edge of the technical area, his hands deep in his pockets, his eyes covered by the aviator shades he always liked to wear as he watched the final few seconds of a tough match play out. The game was deadlocked at two goals apiece, which, under normal circumstances would be a welcome result for a derby game. But this one was different. This one needed to be won to make sure Newcastle Red Star climbed above Wearside Spartans in the league table, because ever since Brandon Palmer had joined Spartans he’d made sure they were no longer the region’s poor relation as far as football teams were concerned. How ironic that Jim’s own son should be the one to make sure Newcastle Red Star had stiff competition so close to home.
Keeping his composure, which was something Jim Allen was famous for, he shouted over to Ryan, issuing instructions for one final push forward. Ryan immediately retrieved the ball from a Spartans player and ran with it, at a blistering speed, and with a determination Jim was glad hadn’t been overshadowed by his earlier distraction.
Overcoming an attempted tackle from a Spartans defender on the edge of the penalty box, Ryan carried on towards the goal, the ball remaining at his feet as though it were glued there, and even Jim couldn’t help but be in awe of the talent Ryan possessed. When he was on his A-game, he was one of the greatest players of his generation; Jim couldn’t deny that.
Stepping back towards the dugout, Jim watched as Ryan cannoned what was probably the final kick of the match past the Wearside Spartans’ goalkeeper and into the back of the net. The ecstatic Red Star fans filled the stadium with a roar so loud it was deafening. And when the final whistle, just seconds later, sealed that late winner for Newcastle Red Star, that roar grew louder as both the points, and the pride, went to the team that played north of the Tyne.
After quickly shaking the hand of Billy Bishop, Wearside Spartans’ manager, Jim quickly headed off into the tunnel, almost running back up the stairs, making his escape into his office. He had just minutes before he had to be back out there, giving post-match interviews and press conferences, but he needed this few seconds alone, to think about everything. To think about his next move; to make sure he knew what he was doing. What had happened with Amber had thrown him slightly. It hadn’t been planned; he’d never intended to have sex with her or embark on any kind of conversation with a woman he loved beyond anything. He just couldn’t be with her. He couldn’t. Even though that was all he wanted. He wanted to be with her so much he felt that pain cut right across his chest again as he remembered how she felt, how she tasted. How he fitted her so perfectly it was almost as if they’d been created purely to be together.
Pouring himself a small shot of whiskey he knocked it back in one mouthful before throwing his head back and letting out a heavy, laboured sigh. His heart felt as though it was breaking, but that was a feeling he was used to now. Ever since he’d allowed himself to love her, he’d felt this pain, an intense, burning pain. And he’d thought he could handle it because he was Jim Allen. He could handle anything. Except this. This was killing him, and he couldn’t let that happen again. He couldn’t let it almost ruin him, like it had once tried to do before.
Resisting the urge to take another shot of whiskey, he put the glass down and looked in the mirror on the wall above the sideboard. Pushing a hand through his hair, he stared at his reflection, blinking slowly as he noticed eyes that were tired, a face that was still impassive but a little more worn than he felt comfortable with. He had to get himself back on track. What had happened this afternoon with Amber had been a lapse he couldn’t allow to be repeated. He couldn’t let this distract him from what really mattered – his career; making sure this club was more successful than it had ever been. He had his sights set high, and he couldn’t let anything detract from that.
Inhaling deeply he turned around and headed for the door, hesitating slightly as his hand reached out to open it. He could do this. Love not only broke your heart, it made you weak. And if there was one thing Jim Allen wasn’t, it was weak.
Chapter Four
‘Are you serious?’ Debbie asked, sipping demurely on a large gin and tonic as the post-match Players’ Lounge began filling up with girlfriends, wives, friends and family.
Amber leaned back against the wall, staring out ahead of her, smiling at people who waved hellos or smiled in her direction. ‘I don’t know, Debbie. I just know that I can’t stay here.’
‘And I thought things were okay with you and Ryan.’
‘They are… they were.’ She looked at her friend. Debbie Hogan – glamour model, gossip columnist, and wife of Ryan’s best friend, Newcastle Red Star defender Gary Blandford. ‘Things were fine. But fine isn’t enough, Debs. Fine isn’t how I want to live my life.’
‘And running away from things is?’
‘Oh, don’t you start. Just – don’t. Okay? I’ve had enough from him.’ She jerked her head towards Ronnie, who was standing over by the bar talking to one of his fellow pundits.
‘You don’t even like working in London, never mind living there.’
Amber threw her head back, sighing heavily, and probably rather more loudly than she’d intended. But sometimes frustration got the better of her. ‘It’s hardly like I’m upping sticks and emigrating, is it? I have a house down there anyway, and like I told Ryan, I’ll probably be up here just as much as I usually am. I’m just… I’m just swapping bases for a while, that’s all.’
Debbie took another sip of gin and tonic. ‘Sounds like a pointless waste of time, then, if you ask me.’
‘I’m not. You brought up the subject.’
‘Because I don’t understand, Amber. If things aren’t working out with Ryan, why not just tell him?’
‘I have just told him,’ Amber sighed, sliding her hands into the pockets of her jeans.
‘So what’s the prob… oh, hang on.’
Amber turned her head to look at Debbie, but she didn’t say anything.
‘You haven’t?’
‘I haven’t, what?’
‘You and Jim.’
‘There is no me and Jim. We’re divorced, remember?’
‘That means nothing where you two are concerned.’
‘Why do people keep saying that?’
Debbie narrowed her eyes as she continued to stare at her. ‘You’ve slept with him, haven’t you?’
‘No, I…’ Amber let out another sigh, this time one of resignation.
‘When?’
‘What is this? You’ll be reading me my rights next.’
‘When did you have sex with him, Amber?’
‘I’m not sure that’s any of your business.’
‘You’re my friend. It’s very much my business. When?’
‘Just before the game.’
‘Okay… and, what happened after that?’
‘Newcastle Red Star beat Wearside Spartans 3 – 2.’
‘Oh, Ronnie is so right about your tendency to be flippant when faced with something you don’t want to talk about. So, let me get this straight, you have sex with your ex-husband, and then you decide to move down to London to get away from him, is that right?’
Amber just stared at Debbie for a second or two. ‘No. That is not right. I’d already made the decision to base myself down south before all this shit happened…’
‘This shit? Oh, so, it wasn’t good, then? Sex with Jim.’
‘Now who’s being flippant? I’m being serious here, Debbie. Ronnie told me I needed to sort myself out, so, that’s what I’m trying to do.’
‘By moving away from everything you know?’
‘Jesus, Debbie, come on. I’ve been working down there for over a year now, it’s hardly the end of the earth. And I just need the space, alright? I need the space.’
‘Why?’
Amber stared at her again, knowing all too well she was trying to get her to admit to something she already knew. ‘I’m moving to London, end of subject.’
‘Okay. That’s me told,’ Debbie huffed, sucking up the last of her gin and tonic. ‘I’m off to get a refill.’
Amber watched her walk over to the bar, whispering something to Ronnie that caused him to look over, and Amber could only hope it wasn’t enough to make him come and talk to her. She really wasn’t in the mood to discuss this any more, not today.
‘So you’re moving to London?’
She felt her heart skip a ridiculous beat as the familiar American accent once more filled her head, but she didn’t look at him. She couldn’t. She didn’t think she was strong enough.
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘It wasn’t really the right time, was it? When you were fucking me up against your office door.’
‘I would have thought it was the perfect time.’
Still she said nothing. She just dug her hands into her pockets and stared down at the ground.
‘You thought it was the perfect time to tell Ryan, though. Didn’t you?’
She slowly looked up, raising her head so her eyes met his. ‘I wasn’t thinking straight, Jim. I haven’t been thinking straight for a while now. Ever since you walked back into my life my head’s been a fucking mess.’
It was Jim’s turn to look away. ‘I don’t want you to go.’
‘You have no say in the matter. And I don’t want to hear you say that, okay? I don’t want you to say something like that when you don’t really mean it.’
‘I mean it.’ His eyes were back on hers, staring at her with an intensity that was quite frightening. ‘I don’t want you to go. I don’t want you to be so far away I can’t see you or talk to you or…’
‘Hang on…’ That confusion that seemed to be omnipresent at the minute washed over Amber once again, but she couldn’t tear her eyes away from him. It was like some weird and invisible force was keeping them locked on his. ‘You have absolutely no right to stand there and say those things. None. You… you divorced me, Jim. You left me.’
‘Because you were sleeping with one of my players.’
Amber laughed, a small, cynical laugh. ‘This is crap. All of it, it’s crap.’ She pushed a hand through her hair and turned away, knowing that she needed to leave here. She needed to walk away and leave this crazy situation that she couldn’t understand. Before it killed her.
‘Amber, please…’ Jim reached out, his fingers gently circling her wrist, stopping her from going anywhere. ‘I’m sorry, okay?’
She looked at him again, her head telling her one thing, and her heart screaming something altogether different. ‘For what, Jim? For sleeping with me when I was just a teenager? For making me love you my entire life? For messing with my head every single, fucking day? What exactly are you sorry for?’
‘Letting you go. I’m sorry for letting you go, and there are reasons, believe me, Amber, there are reasons why I… why…’
She frowned slightly as she noticed emotion clouding his usually impassive and stoic expression. This was a side of him she’d very rarely seen, and it confused her even more. ‘Jim?’
He shook his head. ‘Not here.’
‘No. No, don’t ask me to go somewhere more private or make me listen to any more excuses or…’
‘I have to go.’
‘What the…? Jim!’
She watched as he just turned and walked away, pushing through the crowded Players’ Lounge until she couldn’t see him any more.
‘You alright?’
She turned to look at Brandon, who’d suddenly materialised beside her. Handsome, hot and talented – a frighteningly younger version of his father. A constant reminder of a man she would always love. A man who was destined to spend the rest of his life fucking up hers.
‘What the hell is wrong with him, Brandon?’
Brandon looked down at the bottle of lager he was holding, scuffing his heel against the wall behind him. ‘He’s got a lot on his mind.’
‘Haven’t we all?’ Amber sighed, her mood brightening slightly as she saw Ryan walk in carrying their baby boy. Her father had been looking after Rico but he’d obviously brought him to Tynebridge to see his mum and dad, and for that Amber could only be grateful. She badly needed the distraction.
‘Do you want me to talk to him?’ Brandon asked.
‘Do whatever you like.’ Amber’s attention was elsewhere now. ‘I’m past caring.’ Not entirely true. She turned to look at Brandon, suddenly realising that his father’s odd behaviour was nothing to do with him. ‘You were great out there this afternoon. Without you on their side, Red Star would have annihilated Spartans.’ She smiled, standing up on tiptoes to kiss his cheek. ‘See you later, okay?’
Brandon smiled back, but Amber was done there now. She didn’t want to talk about Jim or even have to think about him, not when she had way more important things to be concentrating on.
‘And what are you doing here, gorgeous?’ She had the biggest grin on her face as she reached out to take Rico from Ryan’s arms.
‘I’ve brought our son to see his mum.’ Ryan grinned back, and Amber couldn’t help but smile.
‘I was talking to Rico.’
‘I know. Your dad brought him in, thought you might want to see him seeing as you’ve been away from him all day.’
‘Well, Dad was right.’ Rico was her steadying influence, the one thing that could stop her from making any more crazy decisions that were nothing but a way of deflecting her real feelings. With him in her life, she had to make sure every decision she made was the right one. For both their sakes. ‘Hello, baby! Has Granddad got you all dressed up in your daddy’s team’s colours?’
Rico was dressed in the cutest of baby football strips, with the number nine on the back and the name Fisher above it. A tiny replica of his daddy’s strip.
‘Oh, you are too cute!’ Debbie cooed as she tottered over on her four-inch heels. ‘Amber, he gets more beautiful every day.’
‘Just like his mum,’ Ryan said, his eyes instantly meeting Amber’s.
‘Jesus, do you ever give that flannel a rest?’ Gary rolled his eyes, and Debbie nudged him hard in the ribs. ‘Ouch! What the fuck was that for?’
‘We need to get home to check on Jodi.’
‘Do we?’
It was Debbie’s turn to roll her eyes. ‘Just get your arse out of here, come on,’ she said, ushering him quickly away from Amber and Ryan.
‘That was subtle,’ Ryan sighed, leaning back against the wall, his hands in the pockets of his doubtless very expensive jeans.
‘You can talk.’
He looked at her. ‘I meant it. You do get more beautiful every day.’
‘I bet you say that to all the girls.’
He shrugged, a slight smirk on his handsome face. ‘Once upon a time I did, yeah.’
Amber couldn’t help smiling again. ‘And didn’t I know it.’
Neither of them said anything for a second, they just let the silence between them hang in the air as they both watched their son play with Amber’s hair, wrapping it around his tiny hand and pulling at it gently. This perfect little man had been created in the midst of a not-so-perfect relationship. And Amber doubted it could ever be anything but that. Too much had happened, too many things had been said. Too many truths had been told.
‘We had something, Amber. You and me. Remember? We had something.’
‘I know we did, Ryan. It’s just…’ She was distracted by Jim’s reappearance in the room, her grip on Rico tightening as her eyes followed him, watching the way he walked, the way he smiled at everyone who acknowledged him. She’d allowed this man to take over her life all those years ago, and now there was no way back.
‘I’m going to get a drink,’ Ryan sighed, pulling himself away from the wall.
‘Ryan…’
‘Later, Amber.’
She threw her head back, stroking her son’s soft, dark hair as he snuggled into her.
‘Do you want to get out of here?’
She opened her eyes to see Ronnie standing there. He was the only person who could bring some sanity and sense into this rapidly deteriorating situation.
She nodded, kissing the top of Rico’s head.
Ronnie smiled. ‘Okay, well, I’ve just got a couple of things to tie up here, but I’ll only be a couple of minutes.’
‘I’ll wait for you out in the main reception. I’d better let Ryan know I’m going.’
Ronnie leaned over to kiss her quickly before retreating back over to the bar, smiling at Freddie Sullivan as he approached Amber.
‘Everything alright, kiddo?’
‘I’m trying to make it that way, Dad.’
Freddie frowned at his daughter, taking Rico from her. ‘Something you want to tell me?’
She looked at him. ‘Like what?’
Freddie raised an eyebrow. ‘Like, London?’
All of a sudden that move to London wasn’t sounding like such a good idea. And a huge part of her wished she’d given it a lot more thought before mentioning anything to anyone. So much for leaving the days of rash decision-making behind.
‘Look, Dad, forget London, okay?’
‘So, you’re not moving down there, then?’
‘I don’t know…’
‘What’s happened?’
‘What do you mean, what’s happened?’
‘Something going on between you and Ryan?’
‘Nothing’s going on between me and Ryan.’ And that’s where the problem lay. ‘I just wish it was,’ she said quietly. ‘Then none of this crap would be happening.’
Freddie frowned again. ‘’I don’t understand, sweetheart.’
She leaned over to gently kiss Rico’s warm cheek, stroking his hair. ‘No. Neither do I.’
‘Do you want to talk about it? Whatever it is you’ve got on your mind? Would that help?’
Amber smiled at her dad. He was the best dad a girl could ask for, and she loved him beyond words. But she really didn’t want him getting mixed up in any more of her turbulent and complicated love life. He didn’t need that, and neither did she. ‘No, it’s okay. I’m gonna go with Ronnie, grab something to eat.’
‘Do you want me to take Rico?’
‘Oh, no, Dad, it’s alright. He can come with us.’
‘He doesn’t want to do that, do you, little fella? You’d rather spend some more time with your old granddad. He can stay the night, can’t you, kiddo? If your mum doesn’t mind.’
‘Dad, are you sure? You’ve had him all day, and I… I can’t just…’
‘Amber, it’s fine. I love having him, you know I do. You just go with Ronnie, okay?’
‘Okay.’ She smiled, kissing first Rico, then her dad. ‘I’ll call you later. You be a good boy now, baby, you hear me? No acting up for granddad.’
‘He’ll be fine. You go, go on.’
She made her way out of the Players’ Lounge, keeping her head down because she didn’t really want to stop for any small talk. She just wanted to leave Tynebridge and go somewhere away from it all. Just for a little while.
‘Hey, Amber, hang on!’
She’d put one foot outside of the door when he caught her, giving her no choice but to stop and face him. ‘What do you want, Ryan?’
‘I thought we were taking Rico home together?’
‘And when was that decided? I don’t remember making any plans. I didn’t even know Dad was bringing him in until ten minutes ago.’
‘You’re leaving him with Freddie, again?’
‘What do you mean, “again”? You make it sound as though Rico’s never with me. It’s one night, Ryan.’
‘Why?’
She narrowed her eyes as she stared at him. ‘Why, what?’
‘Why are you leaving him? Come on, Amber, you haven’t seen him all day…’
‘Can you just quit with the lectures and the guilt-tripping and anything else that has very little to do with you.’
‘He’s my son, too, Amber. So I think it has quite a bit to do with me. Jesus, I don’t even know how we got to this. To here. To the point where we can’t even have a frigging conversation without it ending in an argument. And it really doesn’t have to be this way, you know that, don’t you? It doesn’t have to be this way.’
She looked at him. A man she’d once thought she’d loved so much, but was Ronnie right? Had she ever really loved Ryan Fisher? Or had he always been nothing but a distraction. Something to hide behind because she was scared of giving in to someone she really should have left behind a long time ago.
‘Everything’s just so confusing, Ryan. And I’m sorry; sorry that it’s all turned to this so quickly, but… I don’t know. I just don’t know any more.’
He closed the door of the Players’ Lounge behind him, moving so he was standing in front of her, and she reluctantly leaned back against the wall.
‘Can’t we just talk, Amber?’
‘About what?’
‘About us. About how we can make this work – you, me and Rico. We’re a family now, babe. The three of us. We’re a family.’
She shook her head, looking down at her feet because meeting his eyes was painful. ‘It wouldn’t be fair, Ryan.’
‘Why not let me be the judge of what’s fair and what isn’t?’
‘Because that in itself isn’t fair, don’t you get it?’
‘What I get, Amber, is that you’re pushing me away because you can’t move on. You can’t fucking forget him, and I know that’s hard, because he’s here all the time…’
‘Which is why I need to get away, Ryan.’
‘You need to get over him. If he doesn’t want you, why are you wasting your time? Why are you even bothering to give him any thought at all. Amber, I love you. I love you, and I want this to work… I want us to work. I don’t want you to leave because you need to get away from him, I don’t want you to do that.’
‘Ryan…’ His mouth touching hers stopped her mid-sentence. Not that she’d had any idea what she’d been going to say anyway. And it felt nice, his kiss. His mouth was soft against hers, their lips moving together in a perfect rhythm, and for a few seconds Amber once more lost herself in that kiss. She allowed herself a few seconds to think about how it could be, if she was to just let it happen. The past few months had been good. Ryan had changed so much from that man she’d first encountered a couple of years ago. He was different now. He’d grown up, learnt to control himself; overcome his demons. And she was proud of him. He’d helped her through a crazy, unpredictable time in her life when, at times, she’d thought it was all crashing down around her. And she’d honestly thought she could love him again and that they finally stood a chance after everything that had managed to get in the way before. But now she wasn’t so sure. She just couldn’t be sure any more. And what he didn’t deserve was her making him think something could happen, if it really wasn’t going to.
‘I love you,’ he whispered, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.
‘I know, baby. I know you do.’ Why couldn’t she love him back? Why couldn’t she do that? It would make everything so much easier if she could just do that.
‘Then let’s go home and talk about this. Rico can stay with your dad and we can…’
She shook her head, pulling away from him. ‘No, Ryan. I’m sorry… Look, if you want to take Rico tonight, just talk to my dad. He’s got all the baby stuff, and if you want to take him…’
He grabbed her hand as she started to walk away, stopping her in her tracks. But she didn’t turn around when he spoke. She couldn’t. She wasn’t even sure she could look at him now without the guilt overwhelming her. ‘I love you, Amber. Just remember that.’
She gently pulled her hand away from his and almost ran down the corridor, pushing open the doors that led out into the main reception so hard she almost flung them off their hinges, so desperate was her need to get away from that situation.
Stepping out into the almost empty, and thankfully cool, reception area, she walked over to the huge floor-to-ceiling windows that looked out over the main entrance, watching as the last of the derby-day crowd hung around outside, waiting to see if they could catch a glimpse of any of the players leaving.
‘Did that kiss mean anything?’
She felt a shiver run up her spine as his hand lightly touched the small of her back, staying there for a brief second or two. But he stayed behind her; she could feel him standing there, even if he wasn’t touching her now.
‘He loves me, Jim.’
‘But you don’t love him back.’
She couldn’t argue with that. She couldn’t lie, what would be the point? ‘I do love him.’
‘But you’re not in love with him. Are you?’
She kept her gaze on the now-dwindling crowd outside. ‘Not here, Jim.’
‘Then come with me. Somewhere we can talk.’
‘You still think there’s something to talk about?’
She felt him lean in towards her again, his breath warm on her cheek as he whispered in her ear. ‘Yes. I do.’ His hand was resting in the small of her back again, and she felt that shiver return, her stomach diving down and flipping over. ‘I shouldn’t have touched you, Amber. Before. I shouldn’t have done that. Because now I need to do it all over again. I need to hold you, to feel you – to come inside you. All over again.’
She closed her eyes, hoping that when she opened them he’d be gone, that he’d never really been there because she didn’t need this. She didn’t. This wasn’t how things were supposed to have worked out. She was supposed to have stayed with Ryan, had his baby and tried to make a go of it. Tried to settle down. But she should have known, from the second Jim Allen had walked back into her life, that that was never going to happen. How could it? When he took over everything, invaded her every waking thought, whether she was aware of it or not. When he was always there. Always. And he’d been there for over twenty years now. How was she supposed to forget all of that?
‘Don’t do this, Jim. Please.’ She turned around, looking up into his eyes. ‘This has come out of nowhere…’
‘Has it?’ His eyes never left hers, his hand reaching out to gently touch her cheek. ‘You know where I am. If you need me.’
She felt that all-too-familiar wave of confusion wash over her once more as she watched him walk away, out of the ground. Her first love. Her ex-husband. Her obsession.
‘What did he want?’ Ronnie asked, sidling up beside her, his gaze following Amber’s.
‘Nothing.’
‘You use that word a lot, as far as answers to questions are concerned.’
She turned to face him. ‘Okay. Well, maybe I should expand on that answer, then. It’s got nothing to do with you.’
‘Nice.’
She threw herself down into one of the chairs that graced the huge entrance atrium, leaning her head right back and letting out a quiet but heavy sigh. ‘How the hell did I end up here?’
Ronnie sat down on the arm of the chair, clasping his hands together. ‘Because you never really were as strong as you thought you were.’
Amber glared at him.
‘As far as men are concerned. As far as one man is concerned.’
She sat up, dropping her head into her hands and burying her fingers in her hair, letting loose another frustrated groan. ‘Two years ago I was happy, Ronnie. I had a great job, independence, a life I could control… and now look at me. I’m nothing but an over-emotional wreck with a complicated, fucked-up life!’
‘You’ve got an incredible career, Amber. And you’ve got Rico. There’s nothing fucked-up or complicated about that.’
She looked at him again. ‘Rico is the best thing that ever happened to me, Ronnie. He’s the only thing I’ve got right in the past few months. But I’m not talking about my career, or my baby. They’re good, I know they are. It’s everything else that’s fucked-up.’
‘So, like I said, do something about it.’
‘Like what?’
‘Jesus, Amber, what are we on here? Some kind of loop? I don’t know, kiddo. Just… follow your heart, okay?’
‘Follow my heart…’ She trailed off, looking outside. Jim was standing at the bottom of the steps that led up to the entrance, talking to a small group of fans. He was laughing, and she felt her stomach twist and turn again as he threw his head back, laughing some more.
Ronnie’s eyes followed her gaze again. ‘Maybe following your heart isn’t such a good idea.’
‘I can’t leave him alone, Ronnie. I’m like a schoolgirl with this ridiculous, obsessive crush.’ She trailed off again as she realised just what it was she was saying. That was how it had all started in the first place, wasn’t it? Jim Allen, an American twenty-seven-year-old, hotshot football player who’d walked into her life when she’d been nothing but a teenager and rocked her entire world. Forever. That schoolgirl crush had never gone away. It had never really faded. And he knew that. So, was she doing the right thing by letting him think she was always going to be there? Even if she was. ‘I can’t let him go,’ she whispered.
‘You should try.’
‘You told me to follow my heart.’
‘I know.’ Ronnie sighed, standing up, his tone one of defeat now. ‘I know I did. I just thought you’d be more sensible than to head off in that direction, considering you know where it’s going to take you.’
She looked at him, something akin to guilt mixed with a hint of fear swamping her. She really didn’t have a clue what she was doing here. She only knew she was going to do it, and to hell with the consequences. ‘You think I’m making a mistake, don’t you?’
Ronnie held her gaze for a few, long seconds. ‘The biggest one of your life.’
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