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1 Men: The Final Frontier

May you live in changing times. – Chinese curse

Imagine for a moment that you’ve been chosen to be part of an expedition to another planet. All that’s known about the planet is that it is inhabited by beings whose physical appearance is similar to yours. After a long journey through space, you arrive at this faraway world. You step out of your spaceship and are greeted by pleasant-looking creatures who do indeed closely resemble your own species. Much to your amazement, they even appear to be speaking English.

Over the next few hours, you attempt to talk and interact with these beings. At first, you seem to be getting along well. But as more time passes, the tension between you and them begins to mount. Even though these aliens seem to understand the English language, they constantly misunderstand your attempts to communicate with them – you say one thing, and they hear another; you try to express curiosity, for instance, and they interpret it as criticism. As you observe these beings interacting with one another, the differences between you and them become even more apparent. Your own species has been trained to value cooperation and emotional sensitivity – these beings seem always to be in competition with each other. You’ve been taught to share your feelings – they seem to work hard at hiding theirs. The more time you spend with these unusual creatures, the more frustrated you become.

Finally, you and your exploration team decide to depart from this strange and unsettling place. You’re certain that these beings will be happy to see you go, since they didn’t show much enthusiasm toward you during your visit. But to your great surprise, they become very sad when you announce that you are leaving, insist that they loved the time they spent with you, and beg you not to depart. In spite of their protests, you board your spaceship, more confused than ever. And as you settle back into your seat and feel the rocket engines lift the steel craft back into space, you think to yourself, That was the strangest group of people I’ve ever met. They said one thing and felt another. They acted like they didn’t care, but they did. They didn’t seem to enjoy having us around, but were unhappy when we left. Well, they were interesting to visit, but I sure wouldn’t want to live with them.

Starting Your Adventure into the World of Men

Well, in case you haven’t figured it out yet, the aliens have landed and are living among us – they’re called “men.” And when you consider the tremendous biological, psychological, and sociological differences between us, men might as well be from another planet. Stop and think for a minute about the odds of your getting along with someone who came from a very different background, was brought up with completely different values, and was taught to think, behave, and communicate in a totally different style from your own. Next to impossible, right? Yet every day of our lives, we attempt to challenge these odds by having relationships with men. The truth is, it’s a miracle that we get along at all!

The differences between men and women have existed throughout the ages, as I explain in the remainder of this chapter. For thousands of years, women accepted these differences, adapted to them, and took on certain roles that were expected of us. But sometime around the beginning of the twentieth century a revolution took place, a revolution in the way women saw themselves and insisted on being seen by men. For the first time, women were demanding equality in all aspects of life, and in the process, were breaking out of those culturally stereotyped roles they and their mothers and their grandmothers and their great-grandmothers had complacently accepted. The later introduction of effective birth control methods and the flow of women into the work force gave women reproductive and economic freedom from dependance on men.

And so, a crisis in male-female relationships was born. Men were used to being in control, and expected women to behave submissively. Now women were saying, “No, I don’t want to act that way anymore.” The truth was that we still weren’t sure of how we were supposed to act as “new women.” We were confused, and our confusion made the men in our lives even more perplexed. It’s as if we were still playing the same game, but all the old rules were thrown out, and we hadn’t finished making up the new ones yet. One minute we wanted to be liberated; the next, we wanted to be taken care of. We went to work and learned to support ourselves, but we still expected a man to hold the door for us on the way into our office. We begged men to open up and show us their vulnerabilities, but found ourselves getting turned off when they started sounding weak. And while our own double standards bothered us, they drove men crazy.

As modern women, we are on the way to mastering our professional and financial lives. But when it comes to our relationships with men, we’re more frustrated than ever, and sometimes it seems as if we haven’t made any progress at all. As one very successful female business executive said to me recently, “I can figure out how to make my company hundreds of thousands of dollars and how to buy my own condominium, but I still can’t figure out how to have a good relationship with a man!” For this woman, as well as for many of us, men are the “final frontier,” the one area that remains an untamed mystery in our lives.

Warning: This is not a “men are jerks” book! It isn’t about blaming men, or making them wrong for how they behave

INSTEAD, IT’S A COLLECTION OF VALUABLE INFORMATION THAT I’VE SHARED WITH THOUSANDS OF WOMEN, INFORMATION THAT HAS HELPED THEM UNDERSTAND WHY MEN ARE THE WAY THEY ARE, AND TAUGHT THEM NEW WAYS TO RELATE TO MEN.

Why Men Are the Way They Are

Have you ever wondered why men prefer to drive around lost for hours rather than stop and ask for directions?

Have you ever suspected that the men who try to control you are secretly afraid of the power you have over them?

Have you ever wondered why men have such a hard time letting you get really close to them?

Have you ever wondered why men get so upset when they are trying to concentrate on something and you try to get them to pay attention to you?

Have you ever asked yourself why a man will insist he isn’t worried or upset when you absolutely know he is?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you aren’t alone. Every woman knows the frustration of looking at the man she loves and feeling like she cannot understand why he is the way he is. The first thing you need to know is:

Men aren’t the way they are because they want to drive women crazy; they’ve been trained to be that way for thousands of years. And that training makes it very difficult for men to be intimate

Here, then, is some background information. Let’s look at:

1 Why I Call Men “The Solitary Hunter” and “The Displaced Warrior”

2 Why Men Have Always Dominated Women

3 How Men Are Trained to Be Unfit for Love

4 How TV Teaches Us Stereotyped Sex Roles

Man: The Solitary Hunter

The time is thousands of years ago. The earth is an often violent, changing planet complete with volcanos, ice storms, floods, and harsh extremes of climate. Wild animals roam freely, far outnumbering the still-meager population of human beings, who live in small groupings whenever they can find shelter. The world is a primitive place, where survival of the fittest is the only reality.

Huddled inside a cave on a hillside, a family eats their one meal of the day – the last few scraps of meat from a wild deer killed by the male two days before. The meat is all that is left from that hunt. The male has tried unsuccessfully to find more food, but hunting is difficult in this weather. It’s been snowing for a week, and most of the animals have left and gone south to warmer valleys. But as he watches his woman and their two small children greedily lick every morsel from their fingers, he knows what he must do – he must go out and hunt, and he must not come back until he has killed. If he fails, he and his family will die, and will be eaten themselves by the wolves he hears howling every night.

Suddenly, the male leaps toward the entrance to the cave, his body poised for attack – he thinks he hears a suspicious sound. Perhaps it is another, more powerful male, hoping to kill him and take his woman and the cave for his own. Or perhaps it is a wolf or a lion, ready to attack and satisfy its hunger. Or perhaps it is just the wind; he cannot be sure. He is never sure. That is why he will not sit with his back toward the cave opening, but always faces it so he can see an approaching threat. That is why, even when he sleeps, he does not rest totally – part of him is always listening for sounds of danger.

He squats near the fire again. His heart is pounding in his chest. He is afraid; he is always afraid. But as he looks at his woman and his children, he knows he must never show them his fear. Without his courage, they would lose all hope. Without him, they are as good as dead. No, he must be strong. He must remember who he is. He is a man. He is a hunter.

THE DISPLACED WARRIOR

The life of a man in modern society seems to bear no resemblance to the life lived by this primitive ancestor. And yet, up until not very long ago, man was still hunting and killing the food for his family; he had to be ready to defend them physically in times of war.

Twentieth-century man doesn’t need to hunt or fight. The skills for which he has been trained and bred for centuries are no longer necessary. There are no battles; there is no enemy; there is no challenge. He is the “displaced warrior.”

Is it any wonder, then, that women voice the following complaints about the men in their lives?

“He always seems so defensive – no matter what I say, he seems ready for a fight.”

“He has such a hard time opening up and showing me his feelings – it’s as if he always has to look so strong.”

“I wish my husband would reach out to other men for friendship, but he can’t seem to get close to men.”

“Bob takes his work so seriously that it drives me crazy. I try to get him to lighten up about it, but he acts like it’s a matter of life and death whether he gets a report done today or tomorrow.”

“My boyfriend gets so angry when he feels he’s being criticized or mistreated or challenged by someone – he interprets any kind of disagreement as an attack, and he attacks back with sarcasm and by acting like a bully.”

“When my husband is upset about something, he just bottles it up inside. He becomes cold and distant, and it takes me days of nagging before he’ll admit what’s bothering him.”

I’m sure you can see the remnants of the hunter-warrior mentality in the attitudes and behavior of these twentieth-century men. They are still being affected by forces within themselves that they may be totally unaware of. One theory is that human beings have a “genetic memory,” some kind of consciousness passed down through the centuries that links an accountant living a quiet life in the suburbs with every relative he’s ever had, all the way back to his primitive relatives of thousands of years ago.

It’s as if men “remember” those primitive impulses to defend, to never show weakness, to always stay in control, and unconsciously act these out in their everyday lives

Why Men Choose Certain Seats in Restaurants

Several years ago I had an experience that absolutely convinced me that genetic memory must exist. At the time I was in a relationship with a man who was a teacher and a writer. Every time we’d go out for dinner, I’d notice something strange. We’d enter the restaurant, the waiter would show us to our table, and I would sit down in whatever chair the waiter held out for me. If my chair had its back to most of the restaurant, my partner would take the other chair. But if my chair was the one that offered a better view of the entire restaurant, my partner would look very uncomfortable and ask if we could switch seats. The first few times this occurred I didn’t mind, and changed seats with him. But one night I was in kind of a stubborn mood, and when he asked if he could sit in the chair against the wall that looked out over the whole restaurant, I said, “No, I want this chair. You always get the nice views, and can watch everybody. This time I want to sit here.”

My partner reluctantly agreed, and sat down in the chair opposite me with his back to the restaurant. We ordered our meal and I began talking about my day, and other light topics of conversation, when I noticed how uncomfortable he looked. He was literally squirming in his seat. “What’s wrong?” I asked.

“I just don’t like sitting here, I can’t relax,” he replied.

“I don’t understand – what’s so terrible about sitting in that chair?”

“I can’t see anything,” he explained, “and I feel funny having my back to the room like this – it makes me nervous.”

For the next half hour we analyzed the funny feeling my partner had about sitting with his back toward the room, and what we discovered surprised us both. Although this man had never thought about it before, he always made a point of sitting so he could see whatever room he was in, whether in a restaurant or at a party. Although his rational mind knew there was no actual threat of danger in these situations, he still did not feel safe with his back turned – it went against something very deep inside him to even think about sitting that way. It was as if he could hear a voice in his head warning, Watch out! Stay alert!

Now, this guy was not what you might consider a typically “macho” man – he was a gentle, scholarly person. He insisted that he’d never been trained to “sit defensively” by his father or by the army, and that until I’d pointed it out he’d never even been aware of what he was doing. We couldn’t come up with any other explanation than the genetic memory theory – he knew he shouldn’t turn his back to the “opening of the cave.”

Since that time I’ve made a point of asking men about their seating choices in restaurants, and the majority of them agree that they do feel more comfortable sitting so they can have a clear view of the room, and do not like sitting with their backs to it. You might want to do your own research on this for fun. (Of course, if you ever want to make a man uncomfortable on purpose, insist that he take the seat with its back to the room, and watch him squirm!)

Why Men Have Always Dominated Women

Until the introduction of birth control, women’s and men’s roles were determined by the simple fact that women could get pregnant and bear children, and men could not. Let’s look in on Jack and Jill Flintstone as they hunt and work together. If Jill doesn’t want to be totally dominated by Jack, she’d better not have sex with him – because once she has sex, she’ll get pregnant, and her equal status will disappear. Soon she will become heavy and be unable to run. Then she will have a baby and will have to nurse it and care for it, preventing her from going out and gathering food with Jack. By the time she has three or four children, she will become dependent on Jack for everything, since all of her time will be taken up with child care.

Meanwhile, Jack and all of his male friends have the ultimate power over the women for one reason – they find, kill, and distribute the meat. And the hunter who kills the most meat becomes the chief. If you’re not nice to these guys, and you don’t follow their rules, they can decide not to give you any meat, and you die. It’s that simple. Perhaps this is why some men still become enraged at the thought of their wives going out to work; their ultimate form of control is threatened when she can bring home her own “bacon.” Of course, centuries after men stopped hunting for their food, women were still bound to their homes because of their maternal and nursing capacities. The men had the economic power in the relationship – therefore, they were in control.

THE PSYCHOLOGICAL EXPLANATION FOR WHY MEN DOMINATE WOMEN

Have you ever suspected that a man who was treating you badly and putting you down was secretly jealous of you, even threatened by you? Many theories suggest that men have been driven to dominate women because of a deep envy and awe of women’s creative power. Women’s bodies go through mysterious changes that men cannot understand; women seem to be endowed with certain intuitive and creative abilities men do not have; and most of all, women can conceive and give birth, certainly the most magical feat there is – all of these factors may contribute to the male need to dominate women.

More recent is the theory that male dominance grows out of a man’s need to avoid identifying with the feminine and reflects every man’s drive to break away from his mother. Because the mother is the primary model and relationship for a little boy, he will identify with her, with the feminine, unless he does something to separate himself from her. We’ve all seen this behavior in boys approaching puberty – they don’t want to be kissed or touched by their mothers; they even insist they hate their mothers in an attempt to define themselves as different, as men. Nancy Chodorow, author of The Reproduction of Mothering, explains.

Internally, the boy tries to reject his mother and deny his attachment to her and the strong dependency on her that he still feels … He does this by repressing whatever he takes to be feminine inside himself, and importantly, by denigrating whatever he considers to be feminine in the outside world.

The rebellious little boy in men, still seeking to prove he is not his mother, continues to attempt to dominate women and see them as inferior as a way of saying, “See, since I have control over you, I am better than you. I am not you!”

Later in this book, I’ll explain how the little boy’s desire for autonomy from Mommy still affects the behavior of the grown-up men we love.

How Men Are Trained to Be Unfit for Love

“It’s a boy!” the doctor announces, and from that moment on, this tiny male person is treated differently from the baby girl in the next delivery room. Consider these facts, compiled from a variety of research studies.

Parents of newborn male babies tend to describe their sons as firmer, larger, more alert, stronger, and hardier. Parents of newborn female babies describe their daughters as adorable, softer, smaller, prettier, and more delicate. The parents actually believe their child exhibits these characteristics, even though according to the hospital reports, there is usually little or no difference between the two groups of infants.

Parents tend to place more demands on little boys than on little girls, expecting them to be more responsible and take more risks.

Parents push boys rather than girls to be independent. They offer less comfort to sons than to daughters when the child is frightened or injured, and they give boys greater freedom at an earlier age than they do girls.

Parents encourage boys to control their emotions, and girls to express theirs. Boys are taught that it isn’t manly to feel strong emotions, not only those emotions considered “weak” such as fear or sadness, but even passion, need, and intense love. In his book Male Sexuality, Dr. Bernie Zilbergeld describes how boys are trained to view showing their feelings:

(They) learn early that only a narrow range of emotion is permitted … aggressiveness, competitiveness, anger, … and the feelings associated with being in control. As we grow older, sexual feelings are added to the list. weakness, confusion, fear, vulnerability, tenderness, compassion and sensuality are allowed only to girls and women. A boy who exhibits any such traits is likely to be made fun of and called a sissy or a girl (and what could be more devastating?).

These days many new parents attempt to avoid stereotyping their children based on gender. But most of the adult men you and I are having relationships with are victims of this early-childhood conditioning.

How TV Teaches Us Sex Roles

As young children, most of us learned how to view ourselves as males and females not only from our parents but from the thousands of hours we spent watching television. There have been some fascinating studies of how men and women are portrayed on TV, and the results are disturbing:

Male characters are generally shown in ambitious, adventuresome, strong, and dominant roles, while females are cast in dependent, submissive, and weak roles.

Males are engaged in exciting activities for which they receive great rewards, while females are involved in activities that support or are less important than the men’s, and for which they receive little reward.

Television commercials present women as worried, tense, and concerned about problems such as toilet bowl odor, migraine headaches, and ring around the collar, while men are shown as authoritative, knowledgeable, and macho.

The TV Western, a favorite with young boys in the 1950s and 60s, portrayed the all-American hero, the cowboy, as a loner, doing what needed to be done, riding off into the sunset alone, with no commitments, no ties – free.

Picture the man in your life during the years when he was a little boy, sprawled in front of the TV set watching program after program, and commercials in between, all depicting men as strong, cool, unemotional, always in control, afraid of nothing. Whether his hero was the Lone Ranger, Zorro, Batman, Maverick, the boys of Bonanza, Peter Gunn, or any larger-than-life cowboy, detective or tough guy, your man knew how he wanted to be when he grew up. By the way, these programs never showed Zorro’s wife, or the Lone Ranger’s girlfriend. No, for these TV role models, intimacy meant having a horse, or maybe a male sidekick, but never a woman.

In case the man in your life grew up with radio rather than TV, he isn’t off the hook – radio dramas contained the same kinds of stereotypes as TV programs, which grew out of the radio days.

The Challenge of Changing Times

By now you’re beginning to understand a lot more about why men are the way they are – why “to be a man” means to hide one’s emotions, to fight off the competition, to struggle against the harsh world and survive, to cling to one’s independence, to stay in control. Men are pulled by habits passed down from generation to generation, and are conditioned by their parents and society, which teach them values that close them off to intimacy.

By deciding to be the “real man” society has taught him he must be, a man chooses to embody the very qualities that make it impossible for him to open up and experience true intimacy with the woman he loves

This chart helps illustrate the tremendous emotional challenge men are facing today:

So here we are, modern women, telling the men in our lives that the characteristics they’ve worked so hard to cultivate are the very ones that drive us crazy and turn us off; and that the characteristics we really want to see them develop are the ones they have been taught to see as “weak” and “unmanly” and have fought so hard to avoid. When you think about it this way, it’s a lot easier to understand why men seem to resist changing, why they feel that we’re pressuring them unfairly, why they appear to be so bad at simple relationship skills that are so simple for us.

We expect men to be competent in skills for which they have absolutely no training – the very skills, it so happens, that women are best at – the ability to express emotion, to be intimate, to nurture, and to love

Over the past ten years I’ve worked with thousands of men, and I can assure you that men do want to open up, to learn to fell deeply and express those feelings to the women they love. But the process is a difficult, even frightening one for them, and I hope that, after reading this chapter, you can understand why. The men in your life need all of the compassion, patience, and support you can find in your heart, to help them open theirs.

The Chinese curse at the beginning of this chapter states: “May you live in changing times,” and these times are certainly changing. The old ways of living and loving don’t work anymore, and we still haven’t figured out the new ways. In the meantime we’re still trying to have relationships, and we’re experiencing a lot of disappointment and confusion in the process. But the challenge of change lies in the incredible opportunity it offers us for new levels of wisdom and new heights of personal growth. This book is dedicated to helping you turn your challenges with men into exciting new adventures in loving.

2 The Six Biggest Mistakes Women Make with Men

Do you ever suspect that everything you’ve been taught about how to behave with men is wrong?

Do you ever do something you are sure will please a man, and feel shocked when he reacts to it so negatively?

Do you ever feel that you must have received, a bad set of “instructions” for how to successfully relate to men, because nothing you try seems to work the way it’s supposed to?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you’re not alone. I’ve worked with thousands of women in my seminars and support groups, and most of them knew that there was something very wrong in the way they related to men but weren’t sure what was wrong or how to change it. Part of improving your relationship with a man, whether it’s your husband, your boss, your boyfriend, your father, or your coworker, is not just understanding his behavior but taking an honest look at your own behavior as well.

How Healthy Are Your Relationships with Men?

Here’s a quiz designed to reveal the strengths and weaknesses in your relationships with the men in your life. For each question, select one of the following responses:

1 Almost always

2 Frequently

3 Occasionally

4 Rarely

5 Almost never

Answer each question as honestly as you can, choosing the response that applies to you most of the time. That means, don’t answer based on how you know you should behave, but on how you usually behave.

1 When I’m around a man I really like or am attracted to, I lose part of myself by censoring my communications, seeking approval, sacrificing my needs, or becoming much more self-conscious.

2 I find myself feeling responsible for the men in my life, and making sure they get done what they need to.

3 I allow men to get away with treating me in ways I’d never tolerate being treated by a woman.

4 I use my sexuality to get my way with men by flirting, teasing, using body language, etc.

5 I allow my fear of how a man might react to prevent me from doing what I want to do or saying what I really feel around him.

6 I feel resentful toward men for things they’ve done to me in the past, or for how they treat me now.

7 I act helpless, overwhelmed, or confused around men to get love or attention or to avoid dealing with their anger toward me.

8 I feel I receive all the respect and appreciation I deserve from the men in my life.

9 I always ask for what I want and need from the men I care about.

10 When I’m around powerful men (boss, Dad, authority figures), I feel relaxed and confident in myself. I don’t alter my behavior so that I appear either unusually pushy and aggressive or unusually timid.

Now, add up your total score. For questions 1 through 7, give yourself the following points:

A: 2 points

B: 4 points

C: 6 points

D: 8 points

E: 10 points

For questions 8 through 10, give yourself the following points:

A: 10 points

B: 8 points

C: 6 points

D: 4 points

E: 2 points

80-100 points: CONGRATULATIONS! Your hard work on yourself and your relationships has paid off, and you’ve learned how to be a powerful yet loving woman with the men in your life. You maintain a strong sense of yourself even when you’re around men who are important to you, and you know that good communication is essential for creating healthy and lasting relationships. To avoid future problems, work on those areas in which you had a lower score.

60-79 points: YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH MEN AREN’T BAD, BUT THEY COULD BE A LOT BETTER. Most women fall into this category. There are some warning signs you need to pay attention to, so that in time bigger problems don’t erupt. Work on expressing yourself and your needs more completely, and avoid the six mistakes women make with men, discussed later in this chapter. You deserve much more love than you’ve been asking for.

40-59 points: YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH MEN ARE IN SERIOUS TROUBLE. You have some bad emotional habits that are keeping you from receiving the love and appreciation you deserve. You’ll never get the respect you want if you continue to give up your power around men, behave like a doormat and pretend everything is fine. It’s time to make a change. The first step is to be honest with yourself about how dissatisfied you really are. Practice everything you learn from this book, ask your friends for support, and make a commitment to start living as the powerful woman you are meant to be.

39 points or below: EMERGENCY! YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH MEN ARE UNHEALTHY. You’ve been in pain and felt unloved for so long that you’ve probably forgotten what it feels like to be yourself around a man you really care about. You may not even know what a healthy relationship with a man is. It’s time to take immediate action, and you can’t do it alone. Reach out to other women for help; find a loving and experienced therapist; join some support groups; use this book as much as possible, and do whatever you can to begin to love yourself again. Fight off that numbness, negativity, and resentment. Stop playing the victim! Only you can make the change. You deserve much more than this.

I suggest you take this quiz over again from time to time to measure your progress in becoming a more powerful woman. First put the principles in this book into practice, and then come back to the quiz several weeks later. You should notice some real improvement reflected in a higher score, and you’ll be well on your way to creating the loving relationships with men that you deserve.

DO YOU BRING OUT THE WORST IN THE MEN YOU LOVE?

Whether you’re aware of it or not, you may be bringing out the worst in the men you love by how you behave around them.

I am not saying that the problems in relationships are all the women’s fault, or that how we behave is “wrong” or “bad,” or that men don’t need to change and we do. I am saying that how women act around men is 50 percent of the problem.

Many of the behaviors we’ve adopted to try to be “loving women” are the very behaviors that are destructive to our relationships with men

Of course, we don’t make these mistakes on purpose. Most of us were taught these behavior patterns by our mothers, and their mothers before them, but when we act out these old roles and habits, they end up making us feel bad about ourselves as women, and actually encourage men to treat us badly.

THE 6 BIGGEST MISTAKES WOMEN MAKE WITH MEN

1 WOMEN ACT LIKE MOTHERS AND TREAT MEN LIKE CHILDREN

2 WOMEN SACRIFICE WHO THEY ARE AND PUT THEMSELVES SECOND IN IMPORTANCE TO THE MAN THEY LOVE

3 WOMEN FALL IN LOVE WITH A MAN’S POTENTIAL

4 WOMEN COVER UP THEIR EXCELLENCE AND COMPETENCE

5 WOMEN GIVE UP THEIR POWER

6 WOMEN ACT LIKE LITTLE GIRLS TO GET WHAT THEY WANT FROM MEN

MISTAKE 1
Women Act like Mothers and Treat Men like Children

Have you ever said any of the following things to a man?

“Honey, did you remember your wallet?”

“Don’t forget to pick up the dry cleaning on the way home.”

“Did you remember to pay that overdue electric bill?”

“Do you realize the petrol is almost on empty?”

“You didn’t remember to make reservations? Never mind, I’ll call for you.”

“How many times do I have to remind you not to leave those wet towels on the floor?”

“Don’t you think you’re going to be cold with that light jacket on?”

If you’re like me, you’re cringing with guilt after reading this list. Mistake #1 is one of the most common and destructive habits we have with men. We treat men like children; we assume they can’t take care of themselves; we act as if they are incompetent, and that they need us to run their lives for them.

Now, I know what you’re thinking - that in many cases, these assumptions are true! And you may be right. But that’s not the point. What’s important is this:

WHEN YOU TREAT A MAN LIKE A LITTLE BOY HE’S GOING TO ACT LIKE A LITTLE BOY. WHEN YOU EXPECT A MAN TO BE INCOMPETENT, HE REMAINS INCOMPETENT

WAYS WOMEN ACT LIKE MOTHERS AND TREAT MEN LIKE CHILDREN

1. Acting overly helpful by doing things for men that they should be doing for themselves. We look for his keys; pick up after him; go in the other room to get him something he can easily find himself; straighten his tie; comb his hair; choose his clothes for him in the morning and lay them out on the bed.

2. Playing verbal guessing games with men, trying to pull information out of them. We say, “Okay, you’re hungry … are you in the mood for cereal? No? What about some pretzels? Not pretzels? Okay, then what about some nice soup? Not appealing. Hmm, let me think … I know … what if I make you a grilled cheese sandwich? Wouldn’t you like that?”

3. Assuming men will be absentminded or forgetful, and reminding them of information they should remember by themselves

“Don’t forget to call me when you get there.”

“Don’t forget to pick up Susie at her dance class.”

“Don’t forget the rubbish needs to go out tonight.”

“Don’t forget your doctor’s appointment after work.”

4. Scolding them as if they were children

“Where do you think you’re going without a jacket? Don’t you know how cold it is outside?”

“How many times do I have to tell you to turn the lights off before coming to bed. Our electric bill is outrageously high.”

“You ate a whole pizza and had three beers at Eddie’s house while you watched the match? No wonder you have a stomach ache.”

5. Taking charge of activities that you assume they can’t do right

“If I let Fred make our dinner reservations, he somehow gets the time wrong, and forgets to request a good table, so I just do it myself.”

“The last time I sent Steven clothes shopping with the kids, it was a disaster - they came home with stuff they could never wear to school. Now I just take them myself. I couldn’t stand to go through that again.”

“I asked Jason to find us a nice hotel in Chicago months ago, and wouldn’t you know that it ‘slipped his mind.’ NOW our trip is three weeks away, and I’m the one who ends up making the phone calls anyway. I should have just done it myself in the first place.”

6. Correcting and directing them

“No, honey, the couple we met on vacation were from Virginia, not West Virginia.”

“The way you just used that word in a sentence was incorrect, dear.”

“I think you should take the Westway to avoid the traffic on the Parade. In fact I’d get into the left lane now if I were you.”

“Why don’t you just call your mother up, and first tell her that the kids aren’t feeling well, and then mention how busy you are this week at the office. After she starts to feel concerned, then let her know that we’ve decided not to come to visit next Sunday. But whatever you do, don’t tell her we saw my mother last weekend.”